I didn't write this (although I wish I had)and I don't know who did originally. It was sent to me by a great friend, Suzie Q, also known as "Cheese" way back in May, 2006. I posted it then on my MySpace blog (remember MySpace - don't worry - no one else seems to either) - and decided to post it here as well. It's funny and that's really all that matters. Enjoy.
An original true story, written by a Battalion Fire Chief in a Mississippi town ......
EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH
It was my day off and I'm just a quiet single guy in no meaningful relationship, so I'm doing what I enjoy the most. Riding my motorcycle.
I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really wasn't going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact.
Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!"
or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity.
As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home.
No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.
This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
TORQUE.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it.
The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement.
The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.
I screamed in, well, I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.
The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.
This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle...my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity.
It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand...I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked...sort of.
Spectacularly sort of...so to speak.
Picture a new scene.
You are a cop.
You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.
Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams.
They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street.
I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I really would have.
Really.
Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it."
Anyway.
That was one thing.
The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.
That is one dangerous squirrel.
And now he has a patrol car.
A somewhat shredded patrol car but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
I drove straight home and did what lonely, single guys do. Sat on the sofa, watched sports, got drunk and pondered the reason for my lack of "couple" status ...... and the existence of squirrels. I'll let you know should I figure out either.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Jack & Jill (A Remake Of A Classic Tale)
Jack picked up the phone and dialed a number.
"Jill, this is Jack. Are you ready yet?"
"For what", Jill asked.
"To go climb the hill and fetch the pail of water", Jack replied.
"I'm so tired of that", Jill answered. "Every day, it's the same thing. We climb the hill to get the water. You fall down and break that stupid crown you wear and then I stumble and fall down too, tumbling after."
"I know it gets a little old sometimes", Jack replied. "But it's our job. It's what we have to do. That's what it says in the story."
"I know the story. I've lived the story for my entire life. But I'm tired of it", Jill complained. "Why can't we just get water pipes installed like everyone else? Or buy the stuff in a bottle? Why do we have to climb that hill every day with that rusty old pail to that well when you and I both know we aren't getting any water. You'll fall down and spill it everywhere and then I'll slip on the mud and fall too."
"What else can we do?", Jack asked. "That's how the story was written."
"And why do you wear that stupid crown on your head anyhow?", Jill continued. "It's not like you're a Prince or anything. You look like Jughead from the Archies."
"I wear the crown because I like it. I think it's cool", Jack said, trying to defend himself.
"Someone lied to you", Jill rebutted.
"Listen, are you coming up the hill with me to fetch that pail of water or not?", Jack asked. "I want to hurry up and get this over with so I can come home and play on my X-Box for a few hours."
"Forget about the hill and the pail of water", Jill told her friend. "Let's just go to Wal-Mart and pick up a case of the bottled stuff."
"But what about the story?", Jack asked. "It says in the story that..."
"I know what it says in the story", Jill interrupted. "But that's history. It's time to write our own story. Do you like falling down that hill?"
"No", Jack said quietly.
"Do you like breaking that stupid crown of yours?", Jill continued.
"No", Jack answered back.
"Then why the hell are we still doing it?", Jill asked.
"The story says". Jack tried to say, but Jill cut him off.
"I'll be there in five minutes", she said. "I'm borrowing Riding Hood's car and we're going to Wal-Mart. We're not going up that hill today."
"But", Jack started to say, but Jill cut him off once more.
"I"m on my way. Five minutes. Be ready!", she said and there was silence as she hung up her phone.
"Jill, wait...", Jack tried to say, but it was too late. Jill was on her way over and they were going to Wal-Mart.
Three hours later, Jack and Jill were sitting on Jack's couch, drinking bottled water and eating cheezy-poofs, playing X-Box.
"Now see", Jill said to her friend. "Wasn't that so much better than climbing that stupid hill with that stupid pail and going to the well?"
"Yeah", Jack agreed. "And I didn't even fall down or break my crown. That was great!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door.
"I wonder who that is?", Jack said as he got up to go answer the door.
"Probably Riding Hood and the Three Pigs", Jill said. "I told them to come by if they wanted to hang out."
Jack opened the door and standing there was a small blonde haired boy with a bow tie.
"Yeah, can I help you?", Jack asked.
"Da", the boy said. "My name is Hansel and I am with FTIS."
"FTIS?", Jack asked.
"Fairy Tale Investigative Services", Hansel replied.
"Aren't you my home-girl, Gretel's, big brother?", Jill asked as she walked to the doorway to find out what was going on.
"Da", Hansel replied. "She is my sister."
"So what can we do for you, Hansel?", Jack asked.
"Please answer this question truthfully. Did the two of you go to the well today?", Hansel said.
"No, we didn't", Jill answered. "We're tired of that stupid well and falling down the hill. We went to Wal-Mart instead."
"Hmmmm", Hansel said, rubbing his chin.
"Why do you ask? What happened at the well?", Jack asked, getting worried.
"You have greatly upset the entire continuity of Fairy Tale Land", Hansel said after a few moments. "Why didn't you go to the well?"
"We told you why", Jill shouted. "We're tired of doing that same thing every day. And we never, ever even get any water. Jack spills it all when he falls."
"Well, then I'm afraid I have no choice", Hansel said.
"No choice for what?", Jack asked. "What's wrong? What did we do?"
Hansel pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and hit a button.
"Please send him over immediately", Hansel spoke into the phone before clicking it off.
"Send who over?", Jack asked. "What's going on?"
"What are you talking about?", Jill asked. "You're upset just because we didn't go to the well?"
And then, a long black limousine pulled up. The door opened and out stepped WWE Owner and Chairman Vincent K. McMahon.
"Are these the perpetrators?", Vince asked.
Hansel just nodded and Vince turned to Jack and Jill, still standing in the doorway with confused looks on their faces. Vince stood up straight and glared at the two youngsters.
"YOU'RE FIRED!!!", he shouted in classic Vince fashion.
And then, without another word, he turned to Hansel and shook his hand.
"Thanks, Vince", Hansel said. "I'll be in touch."
And Hansel, Jack and Jill watched as Vince got back into his limo, which quickly sped off down the road.
Hansel turned back to Jack and Jill.
"You have twenty four hours to pack your things and vacate the premises", he told the two open-mouthed youngsters.
"What?", Jack said, tears forming in his eyes. "We're fired?"
"This is crazy", Jill said. "Fired for what? Not going to that stupid well?"
"But what will we do?", Jack asked.
"This is crazy", Jill repeated. "I can't believe this is happening!"
"Sorry kids, but them's the breaks", Hansel said. "Why don't you go apply for jobs at Wal-Mart since you like it so much?"
"Is there anything we can do? Can we appeal this?", Jill asked.
"Please", Jack said.
"I wish I could help", Hansel replied. "but it's a tough economy out there and you didn't do your jobs. Them's the breaks!"
"Can we talk to anyone?", Jill asked.
"Hey, you're getting off lucky", Hansel replied. "Goldilocks tried to lay out of work one day and guess what happened to her?"
"What happened?", Jack asked.
"She was beaten up and forced to clean Shrek's bathroom for a month", Hansel answered.
"Uuuggghh", both Jack and Jill shivered.
"And then it got worse", Hansel said.
"What?", Jill asked.
"She was made to star in a movie", Hansel said.
"That doesn't sound so bad", Jack remarked.
"Her co-stars were Lindsay Lohen, Paris Hilton, Gary Busey and Carrot Top", Hansel finished.
"Uuuuugh!", Jill shivered once more.
"Maybe getting fired isn't so bad after all", Jack said.
"Maybe not", Jill agreed.
"So do you know who will be replacing us?", Jack asked Hansel.
"Actually, I do", Hansel said, looking at a clipboard that had magically appeared in his hands.
"Who?", Jill asked.
"I can't tell you", Hansel said. "That's classified."
"Why is it classified?", Jack said. "It's just a fairy tale?"
"I don't ask why. I just work here", Hansel replied. "Now be out of here in twenty-four hours. Good luck.
And with that, Hansel turned and walked off.
"So what do we do?", Jack asked Jill as they stood there, still stunned at the turn of events.
"Well, I'm calling my lawyer", Jill remarked. "And then I'm going to go call up Red Riding Hood and Snow White and see if they want to go get plastered."
Jill turned around and walked back into the house.
"You coming?", she asked Jack.
"Might as well", he sighed. "Sounds like a plan to me!"
So Jack and Jill called their lawyers and filed a lawsuit for wrongful dismissal and termination, as well as physical and emotional stress and ended up, winning a huge cash settlement. And they went out with their friends and got plastered.
As for the fairy tale and the monotonous jobs of going up the hill to fetch a pail of water, the roles of Jack and Jill were filled by Danny Bonaduce and Snooki. And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END!!!
"Jill, this is Jack. Are you ready yet?"
"For what", Jill asked.
"To go climb the hill and fetch the pail of water", Jack replied.
"I'm so tired of that", Jill answered. "Every day, it's the same thing. We climb the hill to get the water. You fall down and break that stupid crown you wear and then I stumble and fall down too, tumbling after."
"I know it gets a little old sometimes", Jack replied. "But it's our job. It's what we have to do. That's what it says in the story."
"I know the story. I've lived the story for my entire life. But I'm tired of it", Jill complained. "Why can't we just get water pipes installed like everyone else? Or buy the stuff in a bottle? Why do we have to climb that hill every day with that rusty old pail to that well when you and I both know we aren't getting any water. You'll fall down and spill it everywhere and then I'll slip on the mud and fall too."
"What else can we do?", Jack asked. "That's how the story was written."
"And why do you wear that stupid crown on your head anyhow?", Jill continued. "It's not like you're a Prince or anything. You look like Jughead from the Archies."
"I wear the crown because I like it. I think it's cool", Jack said, trying to defend himself.
"Someone lied to you", Jill rebutted.
"Listen, are you coming up the hill with me to fetch that pail of water or not?", Jack asked. "I want to hurry up and get this over with so I can come home and play on my X-Box for a few hours."
"Forget about the hill and the pail of water", Jill told her friend. "Let's just go to Wal-Mart and pick up a case of the bottled stuff."
"But what about the story?", Jack asked. "It says in the story that..."
"I know what it says in the story", Jill interrupted. "But that's history. It's time to write our own story. Do you like falling down that hill?"
"No", Jack said quietly.
"Do you like breaking that stupid crown of yours?", Jill continued.
"No", Jack answered back.
"Then why the hell are we still doing it?", Jill asked.
"The story says". Jack tried to say, but Jill cut him off.
"I'll be there in five minutes", she said. "I'm borrowing Riding Hood's car and we're going to Wal-Mart. We're not going up that hill today."
"But", Jack started to say, but Jill cut him off once more.
"I"m on my way. Five minutes. Be ready!", she said and there was silence as she hung up her phone.
"Jill, wait...", Jack tried to say, but it was too late. Jill was on her way over and they were going to Wal-Mart.
Three hours later, Jack and Jill were sitting on Jack's couch, drinking bottled water and eating cheezy-poofs, playing X-Box.
"Now see", Jill said to her friend. "Wasn't that so much better than climbing that stupid hill with that stupid pail and going to the well?"
"Yeah", Jack agreed. "And I didn't even fall down or break my crown. That was great!"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door.
"I wonder who that is?", Jack said as he got up to go answer the door.
"Probably Riding Hood and the Three Pigs", Jill said. "I told them to come by if they wanted to hang out."
Jack opened the door and standing there was a small blonde haired boy with a bow tie.
"Yeah, can I help you?", Jack asked.
"Da", the boy said. "My name is Hansel and I am with FTIS."
"FTIS?", Jack asked.
"Fairy Tale Investigative Services", Hansel replied.
"Aren't you my home-girl, Gretel's, big brother?", Jill asked as she walked to the doorway to find out what was going on.
"Da", Hansel replied. "She is my sister."
"So what can we do for you, Hansel?", Jack asked.
"Please answer this question truthfully. Did the two of you go to the well today?", Hansel said.
"No, we didn't", Jill answered. "We're tired of that stupid well and falling down the hill. We went to Wal-Mart instead."
"Hmmmm", Hansel said, rubbing his chin.
"Why do you ask? What happened at the well?", Jack asked, getting worried.
"You have greatly upset the entire continuity of Fairy Tale Land", Hansel said after a few moments. "Why didn't you go to the well?"
"We told you why", Jill shouted. "We're tired of doing that same thing every day. And we never, ever even get any water. Jack spills it all when he falls."
"Well, then I'm afraid I have no choice", Hansel said.
"No choice for what?", Jack asked. "What's wrong? What did we do?"
Hansel pulled a cell phone out of his pocket and hit a button.
"Please send him over immediately", Hansel spoke into the phone before clicking it off.
"Send who over?", Jack asked. "What's going on?"
"What are you talking about?", Jill asked. "You're upset just because we didn't go to the well?"
And then, a long black limousine pulled up. The door opened and out stepped WWE Owner and Chairman Vincent K. McMahon.
"Are these the perpetrators?", Vince asked.
Hansel just nodded and Vince turned to Jack and Jill, still standing in the doorway with confused looks on their faces. Vince stood up straight and glared at the two youngsters.
"YOU'RE FIRED!!!", he shouted in classic Vince fashion.
And then, without another word, he turned to Hansel and shook his hand.
"Thanks, Vince", Hansel said. "I'll be in touch."
And Hansel, Jack and Jill watched as Vince got back into his limo, which quickly sped off down the road.
Hansel turned back to Jack and Jill.
"You have twenty four hours to pack your things and vacate the premises", he told the two open-mouthed youngsters.
"What?", Jack said, tears forming in his eyes. "We're fired?"
"This is crazy", Jill said. "Fired for what? Not going to that stupid well?"
"But what will we do?", Jack asked.
"This is crazy", Jill repeated. "I can't believe this is happening!"
"Sorry kids, but them's the breaks", Hansel said. "Why don't you go apply for jobs at Wal-Mart since you like it so much?"
"Is there anything we can do? Can we appeal this?", Jill asked.
"Please", Jack said.
"I wish I could help", Hansel replied. "but it's a tough economy out there and you didn't do your jobs. Them's the breaks!"
"Can we talk to anyone?", Jill asked.
"Hey, you're getting off lucky", Hansel replied. "Goldilocks tried to lay out of work one day and guess what happened to her?"
"What happened?", Jack asked.
"She was beaten up and forced to clean Shrek's bathroom for a month", Hansel answered.
"Uuuggghh", both Jack and Jill shivered.
"And then it got worse", Hansel said.
"What?", Jill asked.
"She was made to star in a movie", Hansel said.
"That doesn't sound so bad", Jack remarked.
"Her co-stars were Lindsay Lohen, Paris Hilton, Gary Busey and Carrot Top", Hansel finished.
"Uuuuugh!", Jill shivered once more.
"Maybe getting fired isn't so bad after all", Jack said.
"Maybe not", Jill agreed.
"So do you know who will be replacing us?", Jack asked Hansel.
"Actually, I do", Hansel said, looking at a clipboard that had magically appeared in his hands.
"Who?", Jill asked.
"I can't tell you", Hansel said. "That's classified."
"Why is it classified?", Jack said. "It's just a fairy tale?"
"I don't ask why. I just work here", Hansel replied. "Now be out of here in twenty-four hours. Good luck.
And with that, Hansel turned and walked off.
"So what do we do?", Jack asked Jill as they stood there, still stunned at the turn of events.
"Well, I'm calling my lawyer", Jill remarked. "And then I'm going to go call up Red Riding Hood and Snow White and see if they want to go get plastered."
Jill turned around and walked back into the house.
"You coming?", she asked Jack.
"Might as well", he sighed. "Sounds like a plan to me!"
So Jack and Jill called their lawyers and filed a lawsuit for wrongful dismissal and termination, as well as physical and emotional stress and ended up, winning a huge cash settlement. And they went out with their friends and got plastered.
As for the fairy tale and the monotonous jobs of going up the hill to fetch a pail of water, the roles of Jack and Jill were filled by Danny Bonaduce and Snooki. And everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END!!!
Friday, June 10, 2011
A Very Special Oprah Interview...
A/N: I was watching the Oprah Network (yeah, I'm bored) and started wondering why she never had the kind of guests on that I like. And an idea popped into my head. And here is the result...
************************************
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show. And now, here's Oprah...
Oprah: Thank you and welcome to my show. As everyone knows, this is the final season of the Oprah Winfrey Show and I want to go out on a high note with only the biggest and best guests. So I was talking to my B.F.F. Gayle...
Gayle (from off-stage): Love you, O...
Oprah: Love you too, G... I was talking to Gayle about who would be a great guest for the final season. We went through all the usual names... Tom Cruise, Cher, Elton John, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Pauly Shore, President Obama...
(Large Chicago crowd cheers)
Oprah (mouthing to the crowd): I got him his job, you know...
(Crowd cheers some more)
Oprah: You all are such sheep... and I love it...
(Crowd screams and cheers even more)
Oprah: But I'm not giving away any cars today...
Crowd quickly goes silent. The sound of crickets from the back of the studio can be heard.
Oprah: I found a world famous celebrity that has been around for over ffifty years, but to the best of my knowledge... and I know everything because I'm Oprah... he has never sat down and given an interview. Well, today he does. He's an actor. A stuntman. A movie icon and legend. Please welcome... Godzilla.
Godzilla walks in and waves to the crowd before sitting down on the couch.
Oprah: Thank you Godzilla for sitting down and agreeing to this interview.
Godzilla: Not a problem. But I want to make it clear from the start that I can not say for sure if that is my crotch or not in that Twitter shot. I believe my account was hacked.
Oprah: What are you talking about?
Godzilla: Isn't this about that picture of my crotch that I tweeted to several women in the Washington D.C. area?
Oprah: No. This is your very first interview ever so that fans around the world can learn about the King of the Monsters.
Godzilla: Oops! Forget I said anything. Can we start over?
Oprah: We'll fix that in editing. So how does it feel to be sitting down for your very first interview ever?
Godzilla: This isn't my first interview. Barbara Walters interviewed me for Saturday Night Live in the late 70's.
Oprah: No, she didn't. That was Gilda Radner, dressed as Barbara Walters. So it doesn't count.
Godzilla: Are you sure? She said she was Barbara Walters.
Oprah: I'm sure. I had my producers look it up and research it.
Godzilla: I think you're wrong.
Oprah: I am Oprah! I am NEVER wrong. And you'd do well to remember that, Lizard Boy... if you don't want to end up as a pair of shoes for Stedman.
Godzilla: Okay, if you say so. Don't get all hostile.
Oprah: I AM not hostile. I am Oprah! So, tell me Godzilla, what is a typical day in the life of Godzilla?
Godzilla: It's nothing too fancy. Just sitting around on Monster Island, playing shuffle-board with Rodan or listening to Mothra sing Lady GaGa songs.
Oprah: Mothra likes Lady GaGa?
Godzilla: Yes, he's a big fan of hers. He also likes Jay Z, Tim McGraw and Merle Haggard.
Oprah: That sounds fascinating. What else do you do on Monster Island?
Godzilla: Well, Kong likes to throw feces at the natives. He's a real animal.
Oprah: Speaking of Kong... or as we know him better, King Kong, who actually won the fight between you two? I know that in the classic film, Godzilla versus King Kong, there were two endings filmed with you winning one and Kong winning the other. So who would win in a real fight between you two?
Godzilla: Me, of course. Kong is just a big monkey. I can throw things too, plus I've got this cool radioactive breath that I can blow things up with.
Oprah: So why two endings?
Godzilla: Merchandising. Kong was the bigger star at the time here in the States. I was (and still am) more popular in the rest of the world. So we filmed two endings and all the fans were happy. And we made a killing with t-shirts and foam fingers.
Oprah: Amazing. We have to take a commerical break now, but when we come back, we'll talk to Godzilla about the new movie monsters and rumors about a future in politics. We'll be right back.
(Cut to commercial)
Oprah: Well, we're back and talking to the King of the Monsters, Godzilla. You were telling me during the break that you are actually the father of lady wrestler and WWE superstar Kharma's unborn child.
Godzilla: I never said that. I just said that I was a fan of the WWE and met Kharma when the WWE was touring Japan a few months ago.
Oprah: And you had an illicit affair with her and are now wanting a paternity test to determine if that baby is really yours?
Godzilla: What are you talking about?
Oprah: We don't do that here. We're a respectable show. We'll call the Maury people for you if you'd like. Or you can talk to Dr. Phil.
Godzilla: I don't know what you're talking about.
Oprah: It doesn't matter... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla just stares at her.
Oprah: So I understand you're interested in politics? Are you running for the Republican nomination for President of the United States?
Godzilla: I never said anything about politics.
Oprah: Can you even run for office here in the United States? Are you a citizen?
Godzilla: I am not running for office. I am not a citizen of the United States. I have dual citizenship in Monster Island and Japan. And unlike some I could mention, I actually have a birth certificate.
Oprah: So if you get the Republican nomination, what will be your message to the American people?
Godzilla: Have you heard a word that I've said?
Oprah: And we'll be back...
(Commercial break)
Oprah: We're back and talking to Godzilla. It's been quite a while since you've made any new movies. Why the long break?
Godzilla: Well, it's not me. I'm in great shape and ready to make some movies. But all the rage now is vampires and werewolves.
Oprah: Like the Twilight series. What do you think about the new monsters that are dominating the movie screens?
Godzilla: Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Make Me Want To Barf?
Oprah: So you're not a fan?
Godzilla: I'd like to see those two girly-man monster wanna-be's take on Monster Zero and see how long they last.
Oprah: Are there any new monsters that you do like?
Godzilla: I like Donald Trump.
Oprah: I know Donald and he's not a monster.
Godzilla: Are you sure? Because there is definitely something scary about that hair.
Oprah: The hair might be, but Donald himself isn't. Anyone else?
Godzilla: I also like Snooki. Or are you going to try and tell me that she's not a real monster either.
Oprah: No, she is. As evil as they come too.
Godzilla: With a name like Snooki, what do you expect?
Oprah: She even scares me and that's hard to do... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla: You like to say your name a lot, don't you?
Oprah: I just don't want anyone to forget who the boss is.
Godzilla: I hear you!
Oprah: So what plans do you have for the future? What can we expect to hear or see from Godzilla in the months or years to come?
Godzilla: I have a book coming out next year. And I've been invited to appear on Dancing With The Stars next season. And I've got an album coming out too.
Oprah: Really?
Godzilla: Of course not, you idiot. I'm freakin' Godzilla. I'm a monster. I fight other monsters. I destroy the Japanese countryside.
Oprah: So what will your book be about?
Godzilla: There is no book! Are you paying any attention to any of my answers? Are you even listening to anything I say?
Oprah: Maybe you can write about your campaign for President.
Godzilla: I give up!
Oprah: We're nearly out of time...
Godzilla: Thank goodness!
Oprah: I do want to address one more thing before we go. In your movies, you are a giant, eighty-foot tall monster who weighs at least a ton. But you're sitting here across from me on the couch and you're not really that big.
Godzilla: It's the camera.
Oprah: The camera?
Godzilla; Yeah. Haven't you ever heard that the camera adds about thirty pounds.
Oprah: I've heard that.
Godzilla: Well, the cameras we used for those movies added about sixty-five hundred pounds.
Oprah: Ouch!
Godzilla: I think you used the same cameras here, judging by your appearance in those early shows.
Oprah: That's not funny!
Godzilla: I thought it was.
Oprah: Well, we've got to go. My thanks to Godzilla for being my guest. Remember to watch the Oprah Winfrey Network on your cable TV and don't forget to read Oprah Magazine.
Godzilla; Is that it?
Oprah: That's it! Good bye!
************************************
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show. And now, here's Oprah...
Oprah: Thank you and welcome to my show. As everyone knows, this is the final season of the Oprah Winfrey Show and I want to go out on a high note with only the biggest and best guests. So I was talking to my B.F.F. Gayle...
Gayle (from off-stage): Love you, O...
Oprah: Love you too, G... I was talking to Gayle about who would be a great guest for the final season. We went through all the usual names... Tom Cruise, Cher, Elton John, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Pauly Shore, President Obama...
(Large Chicago crowd cheers)
Oprah (mouthing to the crowd): I got him his job, you know...
(Crowd cheers some more)
Oprah: You all are such sheep... and I love it...
(Crowd screams and cheers even more)
Oprah: But I'm not giving away any cars today...
Crowd quickly goes silent. The sound of crickets from the back of the studio can be heard.
Oprah: I found a world famous celebrity that has been around for over ffifty years, but to the best of my knowledge... and I know everything because I'm Oprah... he has never sat down and given an interview. Well, today he does. He's an actor. A stuntman. A movie icon and legend. Please welcome... Godzilla.
Godzilla walks in and waves to the crowd before sitting down on the couch.
Oprah: Thank you Godzilla for sitting down and agreeing to this interview.
Godzilla: Not a problem. But I want to make it clear from the start that I can not say for sure if that is my crotch or not in that Twitter shot. I believe my account was hacked.
Oprah: What are you talking about?
Godzilla: Isn't this about that picture of my crotch that I tweeted to several women in the Washington D.C. area?
Oprah: No. This is your very first interview ever so that fans around the world can learn about the King of the Monsters.
Godzilla: Oops! Forget I said anything. Can we start over?
Oprah: We'll fix that in editing. So how does it feel to be sitting down for your very first interview ever?
Godzilla: This isn't my first interview. Barbara Walters interviewed me for Saturday Night Live in the late 70's.
Oprah: No, she didn't. That was Gilda Radner, dressed as Barbara Walters. So it doesn't count.
Godzilla: Are you sure? She said she was Barbara Walters.
Oprah: I'm sure. I had my producers look it up and research it.
Godzilla: I think you're wrong.
Oprah: I am Oprah! I am NEVER wrong. And you'd do well to remember that, Lizard Boy... if you don't want to end up as a pair of shoes for Stedman.
Godzilla: Okay, if you say so. Don't get all hostile.
Oprah: I AM not hostile. I am Oprah! So, tell me Godzilla, what is a typical day in the life of Godzilla?
Godzilla: It's nothing too fancy. Just sitting around on Monster Island, playing shuffle-board with Rodan or listening to Mothra sing Lady GaGa songs.
Oprah: Mothra likes Lady GaGa?
Godzilla: Yes, he's a big fan of hers. He also likes Jay Z, Tim McGraw and Merle Haggard.
Oprah: That sounds fascinating. What else do you do on Monster Island?
Godzilla: Well, Kong likes to throw feces at the natives. He's a real animal.
Oprah: Speaking of Kong... or as we know him better, King Kong, who actually won the fight between you two? I know that in the classic film, Godzilla versus King Kong, there were two endings filmed with you winning one and Kong winning the other. So who would win in a real fight between you two?
Godzilla: Me, of course. Kong is just a big monkey. I can throw things too, plus I've got this cool radioactive breath that I can blow things up with.
Oprah: So why two endings?
Godzilla: Merchandising. Kong was the bigger star at the time here in the States. I was (and still am) more popular in the rest of the world. So we filmed two endings and all the fans were happy. And we made a killing with t-shirts and foam fingers.
Oprah: Amazing. We have to take a commerical break now, but when we come back, we'll talk to Godzilla about the new movie monsters and rumors about a future in politics. We'll be right back.
(Cut to commercial)
Oprah: Well, we're back and talking to the King of the Monsters, Godzilla. You were telling me during the break that you are actually the father of lady wrestler and WWE superstar Kharma's unborn child.
Godzilla: I never said that. I just said that I was a fan of the WWE and met Kharma when the WWE was touring Japan a few months ago.
Oprah: And you had an illicit affair with her and are now wanting a paternity test to determine if that baby is really yours?
Godzilla: What are you talking about?
Oprah: We don't do that here. We're a respectable show. We'll call the Maury people for you if you'd like. Or you can talk to Dr. Phil.
Godzilla: I don't know what you're talking about.
Oprah: It doesn't matter... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla just stares at her.
Oprah: So I understand you're interested in politics? Are you running for the Republican nomination for President of the United States?
Godzilla: I never said anything about politics.
Oprah: Can you even run for office here in the United States? Are you a citizen?
Godzilla: I am not running for office. I am not a citizen of the United States. I have dual citizenship in Monster Island and Japan. And unlike some I could mention, I actually have a birth certificate.
Oprah: So if you get the Republican nomination, what will be your message to the American people?
Godzilla: Have you heard a word that I've said?
Oprah: And we'll be back...
(Commercial break)
Oprah: We're back and talking to Godzilla. It's been quite a while since you've made any new movies. Why the long break?
Godzilla: Well, it's not me. I'm in great shape and ready to make some movies. But all the rage now is vampires and werewolves.
Oprah: Like the Twilight series. What do you think about the new monsters that are dominating the movie screens?
Godzilla: Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Make Me Want To Barf?
Oprah: So you're not a fan?
Godzilla: I'd like to see those two girly-man monster wanna-be's take on Monster Zero and see how long they last.
Oprah: Are there any new monsters that you do like?
Godzilla: I like Donald Trump.
Oprah: I know Donald and he's not a monster.
Godzilla: Are you sure? Because there is definitely something scary about that hair.
Oprah: The hair might be, but Donald himself isn't. Anyone else?
Godzilla: I also like Snooki. Or are you going to try and tell me that she's not a real monster either.
Oprah: No, she is. As evil as they come too.
Godzilla: With a name like Snooki, what do you expect?
Oprah: She even scares me and that's hard to do... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla: You like to say your name a lot, don't you?
Oprah: I just don't want anyone to forget who the boss is.
Godzilla: I hear you!
Oprah: So what plans do you have for the future? What can we expect to hear or see from Godzilla in the months or years to come?
Godzilla: I have a book coming out next year. And I've been invited to appear on Dancing With The Stars next season. And I've got an album coming out too.
Oprah: Really?
Godzilla: Of course not, you idiot. I'm freakin' Godzilla. I'm a monster. I fight other monsters. I destroy the Japanese countryside.
Oprah: So what will your book be about?
Godzilla: There is no book! Are you paying any attention to any of my answers? Are you even listening to anything I say?
Oprah: Maybe you can write about your campaign for President.
Godzilla: I give up!
Oprah: We're nearly out of time...
Godzilla: Thank goodness!
Oprah: I do want to address one more thing before we go. In your movies, you are a giant, eighty-foot tall monster who weighs at least a ton. But you're sitting here across from me on the couch and you're not really that big.
Godzilla: It's the camera.
Oprah: The camera?
Godzilla; Yeah. Haven't you ever heard that the camera adds about thirty pounds.
Oprah: I've heard that.
Godzilla: Well, the cameras we used for those movies added about sixty-five hundred pounds.
Oprah: Ouch!
Godzilla: I think you used the same cameras here, judging by your appearance in those early shows.
Oprah: That's not funny!
Godzilla: I thought it was.
Oprah: Well, we've got to go. My thanks to Godzilla for being my guest. Remember to watch the Oprah Winfrey Network on your cable TV and don't forget to read Oprah Magazine.
Godzilla; Is that it?
Oprah: That's it! Good bye!
Monday, June 6, 2011
Tossing Salt Is RAW: June 6, 2011
Tossing Salt Is RAW
June 6, 2011
Doug Maynard
Guess what? As a bonus, before we do the RAW stuff, we get to start off about twenty minutes early as we go live to Richmond, VA for the finals of WWE Tough Enough. We're going to get an anouncement by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin for the winner of WWE Tough Enough. Is it Luke? Is it Andy? My money is on "Silent Rage" aka Andy, but who knows what the WWE and Stone Cold will pick? Let's join the action in progress. It's "Tough Enough Is RAW".
Trish Stratus, Booker T and Bill DeMott come out to Booker T's music. Booker is in a suit. DeMott looks like he just woke up. And Trish forgot to dress up too. DeMott gets to talk. Tonight's the night and they crown a champion, live tonight. DeMott introduces all the eliminated contestants. Jeremiah gets a big pop. Trish introduces Luke and Andy. Andy reminds me a great deal of Test. Luke reminds me of The Miz, which probably hurts him as much as helps. After all, WWE already has one Miz - they don't need two. Booker talks next and says congrats to Luke and Andy. Booker introduces "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...
Austin gets a beer before he even starts to talk. He plays to the crowd a bit and it's good to be back in Richmond. He tells the crowd to give the kids a "hell yeah" for a job well done. Steve thanks the trainers. Austin takes the job very serious and he asks for the opinions of the trainers. Bill says both have guts, but if he had to pick one, it'd be Andy. Trish talks about how both grew, but if she had to choose, she'd pick Andy. Booker T speaks up - Luke is a pretty boy and has a helluva future, but tonight, he looks at Andy and says he has the "It factor".
Austin weighs the comments by the trainers and talks about paying dues. He talks trash to Luke for a bit and wants Luke to comment on Andy. Luke cuts a promo and says he's the next WWE Superstar. Andy gets to talk about Luke and says that he has no business in that ring because he's not a real athlete and only real athletes belong in the WWE. Somehow, I sense that both men will end up with contracts and we've just seen the seeds planted for a major feud down the road. We cut to the back and see a limo pulling up. Vince McMahon is here. Steve tells Vince to bring his ass to the ring and calls him a S.O.B. We go to commercial.
Vince struts to the ring as only Vince can do. Vince tries to hug Steve, but Steve offers Vince a stunner instead. Vince cuts a promo and wants to know what makes Luke and Andy believe that they should be allowed to stand in this ring. Vince takes offense at Andy saying "guaren-damn-teed". Luke says we'll never forget him. Andy says he's not nervous. It's past 9:00 and we're on RAW. Vince says he's made up his mind. His opinion is... he wants to know why Austin is looking at him. Austin says it's his decision and Tough Enough is his show. Steve cuts a promo on Vince. Vince says go ahead and let's Steve make the decision.
Vince demands a drum roll and Steve agrees. Steve eyes the two finalists. And the winner of Tough Enough, because he said so, is Andy!!! Luke hugs Steve and isn't happy, but leaves the ring. Andy is a happy camper. Steve tells Vince to offer words of congrats to Andy. Vince welcomes Andy to the WWE and slaps him to the mat. Steve shakes Andy's hand. Stone Cold gives Andy a stunner and tells him welcome to the WWE. Steve gets some beer and celebrates in the ring. Vince misses catching the beer and here comes R-Truth to the ring. Let's get to the RAW part of things.
And now, on to our regularly scheduled column...
It's Monday night and that means it's time for the flagship program of the WWE... it's WWE Monday Night RAW, live from Richmond, VA. Jerry "X-Man First Class" Lawler and Michael "The Dork Knight" Cole are the hosts and calling the action. I can't think of any witty comments to add here so let's get right to the nitty gritty. It's time for "Tossing Salt Is RAW".
What's on the agenda for tonight? R-Truth has to apologize to "Big Jimmy" and "Little Jimmy" and all the "Jimmy's" out there in the WWE Universe or else he won't get his title match against John Cena at the per-per-view. Also, Kharma will announce that she's been bumping uglies with Santino Marella and he's the father of her unborn baby. Okay, maybe not that last part, but wouldn't that make a great storyline? I'd better shut up before Vince gets wind of it and puts it into motion. Actually, make Hornswoggle the father of Kharma's unborn child. Now THAT sounds more like a WWE storyline. Do we know who the Anonymous Raw General Manager is yet? Nope, not yet. Let's move on and get to the show.
Here comes R-Truth to the ring while Austin and Vince are still in the ring. He's dressed like a confederate soldier and is singing "Little Jimmy comes marching home again." He says that the GM says that he has to apologize. Vince shows why Truth has to apologize. R-Truth apologizes and says that he's sorry to all the "Jimmy's". Austin says that Truth should be sorry for dressing up like a jackass. Truth says that he did his homework and this is Richmond, the home of the Confederacy and talks about rednecks. Austin says that it was 150 years ago. Truth said that the Confederate States seceding from the U.S. was a good idea and tonight, R-Truth is seceding from the WWE Universe. They won't have R-Truth to push around anymore. He's a victim of a company wide conspiracy. Right, Vince?
Vince mocks "R's", first name and tells him to visit his office if he wants to discuss it. If Truth wants answers, he should get them. Truth can't spell conspiracy. Here comes The Miz. He "really's" about a dozen times. He deals in reality and blames Alex Riley for not being the WWE Champion. Riley has been taking cheap shots and Miz brags on himself. He deserves another championship match.
Here comes Alex Riley and he gets a good pop from the crowd. Riley says that all Miz deserves is another week of beatdowns. And music hits and it's Super Cena to the ring. Cena gets the mic. A lot has happened. He recaps the situation. Miz lost and said "I Quit". No rematch for him. Alex Riley - Cena doesn't like or trust him, but he's been showing he has a set and Cena commends him. R-Truth? He really has his head together and has no mental issues... lol. Truth has his match at Capital Punishment. And here comes the RAW GM chiming in. Vince tells Cole to shut up! Vince makes a main event. R-Truth and Miz versus Alex Riley and John Cena. The guest referee is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Lots of trash talking as we go to commercial. We see Austin mock Cena with the "you can't see me" hand motion.
Thoughts here: That was a long ways to go to get to the main event match announcement. I was hoping Vince would have taken a stunner or three. And someone needs to teach Andy how to sell the stunner. He was up and moving around way too fast after eating one from Austin. Just saying. Truth is a nut-case and I'm loving it. So does "Little Jimmy". And I hope that Cena takes a stunner tonight.
Santino Marella w/ Vladmir Kozlov vs. Michael McGillicutty w/ David Otunga
Santino takes early control as he takes Michael on a tour of the corners and sends McGillicutty to the floor. Santino celebrates and stays in control. Michael with fists and he takes control, working over Santino in the corner. Santino threatens with the Cobra. Hip toss and arm-drag by Santino. Dropkick by Michael for a two. Fists and stomps by McGillicutty for two. Santino with a roll for two. McGillicutty with a "perfect" chinlock. Santino escapes. McGillicutty misses a charge. Santino in control again and Otunga pulls Michael to the floor. Kozlov runs over Otunga on the outside. Santino goes for the Cobra. He hits it and scores the pin.
Winner: Santino Marella
Andy won the Tough Enough and is the newest WWE Superstar. Later tonight, John Cena and Alex Riley versus R-Truth and Miz with guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin. We hear music and here comes the WWE Divas. We've got Diva tag team action right after the commercial break.
WWE Slam of the Week: Kharma announces she's pregnant. The Bella Twins come out and talk trash.
Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly versus The Bella Twins (Brie & Nikki)
Kelly starts off with Brie. Brie to the arm, but Kelly with a flip to escape for a two count. Brie with kicks and a tag to Nikki. Double team by the Twins in the corner with frequent tags. Brie with a surfboard. Kelly escapes and tags to Beth Phoenix. Beth dominates and we get a "Shades of Tully Blancard" suplex. Kelly plants one of the twins with a bulldog while Beth scores with a facebuster on the other Bella for the pin.
Winners: Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix
Still to come is Rey Mysterio versus CM Punk, plus Cena & Riley take on R-Truth and Miz with Steve Austin as the referee. And Larry Zbyszko makes a special guest appearance to explain "the game of human chess". Okay, maybe not. But if they can give Bill DeMott and Booker T television time, why not "The Living Legend"? Just saying...
WWE has a lot of Facebook fans. Booker T is in the back talking to Trish. He wants to teach Trish how to do the Trisheroonie. And here is Jack Swagger talking trash. If he had been a trainer, all of the contestants would be winners. Swagger makes a challenge to Booker T. Booker breaks out the old promos and I guess we've got a match for later on.
Punk talks a bit. He always beats Mysterio and he's going to beat him again. He's there to prove that the power of the new Nexus is unyeilding and talks about his faith. Punk says that he's going to beat Mysterio and the WWE Universe can join him in his efforts. But first, we have a commercial.
WWE Rewind: From last week, Punk manages to capitalize on a Ryan distraction to get a win over Rey Mysterio.
CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) versus Rey Mysterio
I just noticed that Rey doesn't do the little jumping thing for his entrance anymore. Wonder why? Probably too hard on the knees. Punk starts off by talking trash. Punk misses a kick to start. Punk with headlock, but Rey to the arm. Punk goes after the arm. Rey with kicks and a roll for two. Punk with shoulders for two. Punk rolls to the floor. Rey follows with a hurracurrana on the floor. Back to the ring and a legdrop by Rey for two. Rey goes back to the arm. Punk fights back with kicks. Rey on top, but Punk with a kick and Rey sings soprano. Punk with kicks and a cover for two.
Punk gives Rey a hug from behind. Rey with elbows, but Punk scores with a suplex for two. Body-scissors by Punk as he continues to talk trash. Rey with elbows to escape. Punk slides Rey into the ringpost and gets another two count. Rey with fists and chops. Punk drops Rey across the top rope and puts him in the corner. Punk goes for superplex, but Rey fights him off and flies with a flying shoulder. Both men are down. Rey with kicks and a crossbody for two. Punk with powerslam for two. Rey with the boot and a dropkick. Mason with the distraction, but it doesn't work as Rey kicks him to the floor. Rey with the splash for the pin.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
We get to see the dream sequence again for Capital Punishment and the whole bit with President Obama. This time, R-Truth is asking the questions. Pretty funny actually. We see Cena and Alex Riley in the back talking and Cena warns Riley that he'd better not leave him out to dry. The Very Best of WCW Monday Nitro DVD is out tomorrow. "Shades of Tony Schiavone" - it's definitely the single biggest DVD in WCW history... lol. Diamond Dallas Page is the host for the DVD. Now can you feel the "BANG!!".
The Doritos commercial with the Pug busting through the door is on. I love this commercial. It's funny. What's up Miss Sue?
Next week is a three hour RAW. It's WWE All Star Night. And here comes Alberto Del Rio. No introduction tonight. Where is Ricardo? He tells us who he is, but we already know that. He talks about being "slandered". He's been called a coward. But the incident with Big Show was an accident. We see the video of Show getting ran down by Del Rio's car (and personal announcer, Ricardo). Del Rio is all smiles. It was just an accident. He's calling out the Big Show so he can apologize to him. He says that the Show is afraid of him. He wants Show to come out. And here comes Big Show.
Okay, it's not the Big Show. It's Ricardo in a skin cap, a fake gut, crutches and eating a sammich. This is funny. Del Rio gives mock apology and says it was an accident. "Ricardo Show" mocks Big Show's choke-slam move and says "aaaauuughhh" a few times. They make fun of Show for a while. Del Rio tells Show to go home and never disrespect him again. Del Rio warms that Big Show should not make an enemy of Del Rio or else he'll get hurt. Bad things happen to bad people. Ricardo yells Del Rio's name a few times. After that, we get to see a video highlight reel for Kofi Kingston.
Dolph Ziggler, Zack Ryder and Vickie Guerrero are in the ring together. Dolph and Vickie are joining Cole and Lawler at ringside. We see video from last week as Dolph beat Kofi Kingston.
Kofi Kingston versus "Long Island Ice Tea" Zack Ryder
Kofi with elbows and a dropkick for two. Zack with slaps. Dolph and Cole put over Ryder's YouTube video show, which is hilarious. Ryder is definitely missing a few cards in his deck. Check it out if you get the chance. Kofi charges into the corner and misses. Zac with a slam for two. Zack with fists and a big kick to the face. Zack with the chinlock of doom. Zack misses a charge and Kofi hits the dropkick and it's controlled frenzy time. Boom drop by Kofi. It's "Trouble in Paradise" and Kofi gets the pin.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Miz and R-Truth are in the back comparing notes and talking over strategy for their match later on against Cena and Riley.. We see Booker T and he's wrapping his wrists and headed towards the ring. Now can you dig that... SUCKA!! After the commerical, Cole and Lawler talk about our new Tough Enough winner, Andy. Plus at the PPV, its The Miz versus Alex Riley.
"The All American American" Jack Swagger versus Booker T
This is Booker's first RAW match in four years. We're seeing history here. Booker to the arm, but Jack takes him down and throws some punches. Booker with a back kick and some chops. Swagger sends Booker to the floor. Swagger with shoulders on the flor and puts Booker back in the ring for two. Swagger locks up the arm. Swagger with fists. Booker with the spinkick and some fists. A knee and the heel kick to the face. Swagger to the floor. Swagger talks trash and starts to walk off. Swagger is counted out.
Winner by Count Out: Booker T
Evan Bourne is out and he gets Swagger to chase him back into the ring. Booker with a kick to the gut and then hits the scissors kick on Swagger. Bourne goes "Air Bourne" on Swagger and the big man rolls to the floor to escape. We see Booker T and Evan Bourne do a double-spineroonie and the fans scream in joy. We see "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in the back and he's walking to the ring. The main event is next, after the commercial of course.
Special Guest Referee: Steve Austin
John Cena & Alex Riley versus The Miz & R-Truth
Cena starts off with Miz. Cena to arm and tags Alex in. Miz flees to the floor and Truth tags in. Truth to the arm of Riley and a hiptoss for two. Truth stays in control, but Riley fights back and tags in Cena. Miz tags in and Cena throws the fists. Riley tags in and Miz flees to the floor. Truth with the cheap shot to take the advantage and he pounds away at Riley as we go to commercial.
We're back and Miz has Riley in a chinlock. Riley with fists. Miz gets a long two count. Miz with kicks on Riley as he stomps a mudhole on Riley in the corner. Austin breaks it up and Miz argues with Steve. Truth tags in and prevents the tag of Riley to Cena. Truth with knees and a chinlock. Truth argues with Austin. Kicks by Truth and a big slam on Riley. Truth goes upstairs,but eats theboot. Riley tags in Cena. Miz in too. Cena with the standard Super-Cena moves. Truth breaks it up. Cena locks in the STFU on Miz, who makes the ropes. Truth in with a chair,but it goes flying. Riley with the briefcase shot on Miz. It's OINGO BOINGO time as chaos ensues. Stone Cold and Miz have some words. Austin nails Miz and Cena moves in with the "AA" to get the pin.
Winners: John Cena & Alex Riley
The RAW GM blinks in. The referee blatantly overstepped his authority and therefore, Cena & Riley are DQ'ed.
Winners by DQ (as demanded by Anonymous General Manager) - The Miz & R-Truth
Next week on RAW, Stone Cold is the official "Guest General Manager". Stone Cold asks the fans for their opinion about being the GM next week. Stone Cold nails Michael Cole and places him in the ring, pouring beer over him and giving him a stunner. John Cena joins in the fun and gives Cole an "AA". Stone Cold pitches beer to John Cena and tells Cole that he'll see him next week. And we end the show as Cena and Austin drink and toast beers in the ring.
And there you go with another edition of WWE Monday Night RAW in the books. We saw the return of Vince McMahon. The return of Booker T to the ring. A new Tough Enough champion was crowned. And lots and lots of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Not bad for one night's work. All in all, it was a pretty good show.
And I'm out of here on that note. Hope you liked the show. Hell, I hope you like the recap. Forget about the actual show. It's all about my recap that matters. Just kidding! Ya'll have a great week and I'll see you on the flip side. I'm Doug and I'm like R-Truth's sanity - I'm outta here. Ubuntu!
June 6, 2011
Doug Maynard
Guess what? As a bonus, before we do the RAW stuff, we get to start off about twenty minutes early as we go live to Richmond, VA for the finals of WWE Tough Enough. We're going to get an anouncement by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin for the winner of WWE Tough Enough. Is it Luke? Is it Andy? My money is on "Silent Rage" aka Andy, but who knows what the WWE and Stone Cold will pick? Let's join the action in progress. It's "Tough Enough Is RAW".
Trish Stratus, Booker T and Bill DeMott come out to Booker T's music. Booker is in a suit. DeMott looks like he just woke up. And Trish forgot to dress up too. DeMott gets to talk. Tonight's the night and they crown a champion, live tonight. DeMott introduces all the eliminated contestants. Jeremiah gets a big pop. Trish introduces Luke and Andy. Andy reminds me a great deal of Test. Luke reminds me of The Miz, which probably hurts him as much as helps. After all, WWE already has one Miz - they don't need two. Booker talks next and says congrats to Luke and Andy. Booker introduces "Stone Cold" Steve Austin...
Austin gets a beer before he even starts to talk. He plays to the crowd a bit and it's good to be back in Richmond. He tells the crowd to give the kids a "hell yeah" for a job well done. Steve thanks the trainers. Austin takes the job very serious and he asks for the opinions of the trainers. Bill says both have guts, but if he had to pick one, it'd be Andy. Trish talks about how both grew, but if she had to choose, she'd pick Andy. Booker T speaks up - Luke is a pretty boy and has a helluva future, but tonight, he looks at Andy and says he has the "It factor".
Austin weighs the comments by the trainers and talks about paying dues. He talks trash to Luke for a bit and wants Luke to comment on Andy. Luke cuts a promo and says he's the next WWE Superstar. Andy gets to talk about Luke and says that he has no business in that ring because he's not a real athlete and only real athletes belong in the WWE. Somehow, I sense that both men will end up with contracts and we've just seen the seeds planted for a major feud down the road. We cut to the back and see a limo pulling up. Vince McMahon is here. Steve tells Vince to bring his ass to the ring and calls him a S.O.B. We go to commercial.
Vince struts to the ring as only Vince can do. Vince tries to hug Steve, but Steve offers Vince a stunner instead. Vince cuts a promo and wants to know what makes Luke and Andy believe that they should be allowed to stand in this ring. Vince takes offense at Andy saying "guaren-damn-teed". Luke says we'll never forget him. Andy says he's not nervous. It's past 9:00 and we're on RAW. Vince says he's made up his mind. His opinion is... he wants to know why Austin is looking at him. Austin says it's his decision and Tough Enough is his show. Steve cuts a promo on Vince. Vince says go ahead and let's Steve make the decision.
Vince demands a drum roll and Steve agrees. Steve eyes the two finalists. And the winner of Tough Enough, because he said so, is Andy!!! Luke hugs Steve and isn't happy, but leaves the ring. Andy is a happy camper. Steve tells Vince to offer words of congrats to Andy. Vince welcomes Andy to the WWE and slaps him to the mat. Steve shakes Andy's hand. Stone Cold gives Andy a stunner and tells him welcome to the WWE. Steve gets some beer and celebrates in the ring. Vince misses catching the beer and here comes R-Truth to the ring. Let's get to the RAW part of things.
And now, on to our regularly scheduled column...
It's Monday night and that means it's time for the flagship program of the WWE... it's WWE Monday Night RAW, live from Richmond, VA. Jerry "X-Man First Class" Lawler and Michael "The Dork Knight" Cole are the hosts and calling the action. I can't think of any witty comments to add here so let's get right to the nitty gritty. It's time for "Tossing Salt Is RAW".
What's on the agenda for tonight? R-Truth has to apologize to "Big Jimmy" and "Little Jimmy" and all the "Jimmy's" out there in the WWE Universe or else he won't get his title match against John Cena at the per-per-view. Also, Kharma will announce that she's been bumping uglies with Santino Marella and he's the father of her unborn baby. Okay, maybe not that last part, but wouldn't that make a great storyline? I'd better shut up before Vince gets wind of it and puts it into motion. Actually, make Hornswoggle the father of Kharma's unborn child. Now THAT sounds more like a WWE storyline. Do we know who the Anonymous Raw General Manager is yet? Nope, not yet. Let's move on and get to the show.
Here comes R-Truth to the ring while Austin and Vince are still in the ring. He's dressed like a confederate soldier and is singing "Little Jimmy comes marching home again." He says that the GM says that he has to apologize. Vince shows why Truth has to apologize. R-Truth apologizes and says that he's sorry to all the "Jimmy's". Austin says that Truth should be sorry for dressing up like a jackass. Truth says that he did his homework and this is Richmond, the home of the Confederacy and talks about rednecks. Austin says that it was 150 years ago. Truth said that the Confederate States seceding from the U.S. was a good idea and tonight, R-Truth is seceding from the WWE Universe. They won't have R-Truth to push around anymore. He's a victim of a company wide conspiracy. Right, Vince?
Vince mocks "R's", first name and tells him to visit his office if he wants to discuss it. If Truth wants answers, he should get them. Truth can't spell conspiracy. Here comes The Miz. He "really's" about a dozen times. He deals in reality and blames Alex Riley for not being the WWE Champion. Riley has been taking cheap shots and Miz brags on himself. He deserves another championship match.
Here comes Alex Riley and he gets a good pop from the crowd. Riley says that all Miz deserves is another week of beatdowns. And music hits and it's Super Cena to the ring. Cena gets the mic. A lot has happened. He recaps the situation. Miz lost and said "I Quit". No rematch for him. Alex Riley - Cena doesn't like or trust him, but he's been showing he has a set and Cena commends him. R-Truth? He really has his head together and has no mental issues... lol. Truth has his match at Capital Punishment. And here comes the RAW GM chiming in. Vince tells Cole to shut up! Vince makes a main event. R-Truth and Miz versus Alex Riley and John Cena. The guest referee is "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Lots of trash talking as we go to commercial. We see Austin mock Cena with the "you can't see me" hand motion.
Thoughts here: That was a long ways to go to get to the main event match announcement. I was hoping Vince would have taken a stunner or three. And someone needs to teach Andy how to sell the stunner. He was up and moving around way too fast after eating one from Austin. Just saying. Truth is a nut-case and I'm loving it. So does "Little Jimmy". And I hope that Cena takes a stunner tonight.
Santino Marella w/ Vladmir Kozlov vs. Michael McGillicutty w/ David Otunga
Santino takes early control as he takes Michael on a tour of the corners and sends McGillicutty to the floor. Santino celebrates and stays in control. Michael with fists and he takes control, working over Santino in the corner. Santino threatens with the Cobra. Hip toss and arm-drag by Santino. Dropkick by Michael for a two. Fists and stomps by McGillicutty for two. Santino with a roll for two. McGillicutty with a "perfect" chinlock. Santino escapes. McGillicutty misses a charge. Santino in control again and Otunga pulls Michael to the floor. Kozlov runs over Otunga on the outside. Santino goes for the Cobra. He hits it and scores the pin.
Winner: Santino Marella
Andy won the Tough Enough and is the newest WWE Superstar. Later tonight, John Cena and Alex Riley versus R-Truth and Miz with guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin. We hear music and here comes the WWE Divas. We've got Diva tag team action right after the commercial break.
WWE Slam of the Week: Kharma announces she's pregnant. The Bella Twins come out and talk trash.
Beth Phoenix & Kelly Kelly versus The Bella Twins (Brie & Nikki)
Kelly starts off with Brie. Brie to the arm, but Kelly with a flip to escape for a two count. Brie with kicks and a tag to Nikki. Double team by the Twins in the corner with frequent tags. Brie with a surfboard. Kelly escapes and tags to Beth Phoenix. Beth dominates and we get a "Shades of Tully Blancard" suplex. Kelly plants one of the twins with a bulldog while Beth scores with a facebuster on the other Bella for the pin.
Winners: Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix
Still to come is Rey Mysterio versus CM Punk, plus Cena & Riley take on R-Truth and Miz with Steve Austin as the referee. And Larry Zbyszko makes a special guest appearance to explain "the game of human chess". Okay, maybe not. But if they can give Bill DeMott and Booker T television time, why not "The Living Legend"? Just saying...
WWE has a lot of Facebook fans. Booker T is in the back talking to Trish. He wants to teach Trish how to do the Trisheroonie. And here is Jack Swagger talking trash. If he had been a trainer, all of the contestants would be winners. Swagger makes a challenge to Booker T. Booker breaks out the old promos and I guess we've got a match for later on.
Punk talks a bit. He always beats Mysterio and he's going to beat him again. He's there to prove that the power of the new Nexus is unyeilding and talks about his faith. Punk says that he's going to beat Mysterio and the WWE Universe can join him in his efforts. But first, we have a commercial.
WWE Rewind: From last week, Punk manages to capitalize on a Ryan distraction to get a win over Rey Mysterio.
CM Punk (w/ Mason Ryan) versus Rey Mysterio
I just noticed that Rey doesn't do the little jumping thing for his entrance anymore. Wonder why? Probably too hard on the knees. Punk starts off by talking trash. Punk misses a kick to start. Punk with headlock, but Rey to the arm. Punk goes after the arm. Rey with kicks and a roll for two. Punk with shoulders for two. Punk rolls to the floor. Rey follows with a hurracurrana on the floor. Back to the ring and a legdrop by Rey for two. Rey goes back to the arm. Punk fights back with kicks. Rey on top, but Punk with a kick and Rey sings soprano. Punk with kicks and a cover for two.
Punk gives Rey a hug from behind. Rey with elbows, but Punk scores with a suplex for two. Body-scissors by Punk as he continues to talk trash. Rey with elbows to escape. Punk slides Rey into the ringpost and gets another two count. Rey with fists and chops. Punk drops Rey across the top rope and puts him in the corner. Punk goes for superplex, but Rey fights him off and flies with a flying shoulder. Both men are down. Rey with kicks and a crossbody for two. Punk with powerslam for two. Rey with the boot and a dropkick. Mason with the distraction, but it doesn't work as Rey kicks him to the floor. Rey with the splash for the pin.
Winner: Rey Mysterio
We get to see the dream sequence again for Capital Punishment and the whole bit with President Obama. This time, R-Truth is asking the questions. Pretty funny actually. We see Cena and Alex Riley in the back talking and Cena warns Riley that he'd better not leave him out to dry. The Very Best of WCW Monday Nitro DVD is out tomorrow. "Shades of Tony Schiavone" - it's definitely the single biggest DVD in WCW history... lol. Diamond Dallas Page is the host for the DVD. Now can you feel the "BANG!!".
The Doritos commercial with the Pug busting through the door is on. I love this commercial. It's funny. What's up Miss Sue?
Next week is a three hour RAW. It's WWE All Star Night. And here comes Alberto Del Rio. No introduction tonight. Where is Ricardo? He tells us who he is, but we already know that. He talks about being "slandered". He's been called a coward. But the incident with Big Show was an accident. We see the video of Show getting ran down by Del Rio's car (and personal announcer, Ricardo). Del Rio is all smiles. It was just an accident. He's calling out the Big Show so he can apologize to him. He says that the Show is afraid of him. He wants Show to come out. And here comes Big Show.
Okay, it's not the Big Show. It's Ricardo in a skin cap, a fake gut, crutches and eating a sammich. This is funny. Del Rio gives mock apology and says it was an accident. "Ricardo Show" mocks Big Show's choke-slam move and says "aaaauuughhh" a few times. They make fun of Show for a while. Del Rio tells Show to go home and never disrespect him again. Del Rio warms that Big Show should not make an enemy of Del Rio or else he'll get hurt. Bad things happen to bad people. Ricardo yells Del Rio's name a few times. After that, we get to see a video highlight reel for Kofi Kingston.
Dolph Ziggler, Zack Ryder and Vickie Guerrero are in the ring together. Dolph and Vickie are joining Cole and Lawler at ringside. We see video from last week as Dolph beat Kofi Kingston.
Kofi Kingston versus "Long Island Ice Tea" Zack Ryder
Kofi with elbows and a dropkick for two. Zack with slaps. Dolph and Cole put over Ryder's YouTube video show, which is hilarious. Ryder is definitely missing a few cards in his deck. Check it out if you get the chance. Kofi charges into the corner and misses. Zac with a slam for two. Zack with fists and a big kick to the face. Zack with the chinlock of doom. Zack misses a charge and Kofi hits the dropkick and it's controlled frenzy time. Boom drop by Kofi. It's "Trouble in Paradise" and Kofi gets the pin.
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Miz and R-Truth are in the back comparing notes and talking over strategy for their match later on against Cena and Riley.. We see Booker T and he's wrapping his wrists and headed towards the ring. Now can you dig that... SUCKA!! After the commerical, Cole and Lawler talk about our new Tough Enough winner, Andy. Plus at the PPV, its The Miz versus Alex Riley.
"The All American American" Jack Swagger versus Booker T
This is Booker's first RAW match in four years. We're seeing history here. Booker to the arm, but Jack takes him down and throws some punches. Booker with a back kick and some chops. Swagger sends Booker to the floor. Swagger with shoulders on the flor and puts Booker back in the ring for two. Swagger locks up the arm. Swagger with fists. Booker with the spinkick and some fists. A knee and the heel kick to the face. Swagger to the floor. Swagger talks trash and starts to walk off. Swagger is counted out.
Winner by Count Out: Booker T
Evan Bourne is out and he gets Swagger to chase him back into the ring. Booker with a kick to the gut and then hits the scissors kick on Swagger. Bourne goes "Air Bourne" on Swagger and the big man rolls to the floor to escape. We see Booker T and Evan Bourne do a double-spineroonie and the fans scream in joy. We see "Stone Cold" Steve Austin in the back and he's walking to the ring. The main event is next, after the commercial of course.
Special Guest Referee: Steve Austin
John Cena & Alex Riley versus The Miz & R-Truth
Cena starts off with Miz. Cena to arm and tags Alex in. Miz flees to the floor and Truth tags in. Truth to the arm of Riley and a hiptoss for two. Truth stays in control, but Riley fights back and tags in Cena. Miz tags in and Cena throws the fists. Riley tags in and Miz flees to the floor. Truth with the cheap shot to take the advantage and he pounds away at Riley as we go to commercial.
We're back and Miz has Riley in a chinlock. Riley with fists. Miz gets a long two count. Miz with kicks on Riley as he stomps a mudhole on Riley in the corner. Austin breaks it up and Miz argues with Steve. Truth tags in and prevents the tag of Riley to Cena. Truth with knees and a chinlock. Truth argues with Austin. Kicks by Truth and a big slam on Riley. Truth goes upstairs,but eats theboot. Riley tags in Cena. Miz in too. Cena with the standard Super-Cena moves. Truth breaks it up. Cena locks in the STFU on Miz, who makes the ropes. Truth in with a chair,but it goes flying. Riley with the briefcase shot on Miz. It's OINGO BOINGO time as chaos ensues. Stone Cold and Miz have some words. Austin nails Miz and Cena moves in with the "AA" to get the pin.
Winners: John Cena & Alex Riley
The RAW GM blinks in. The referee blatantly overstepped his authority and therefore, Cena & Riley are DQ'ed.
Winners by DQ (as demanded by Anonymous General Manager) - The Miz & R-Truth
Next week on RAW, Stone Cold is the official "Guest General Manager". Stone Cold asks the fans for their opinion about being the GM next week. Stone Cold nails Michael Cole and places him in the ring, pouring beer over him and giving him a stunner. John Cena joins in the fun and gives Cole an "AA". Stone Cold pitches beer to John Cena and tells Cole that he'll see him next week. And we end the show as Cena and Austin drink and toast beers in the ring.
And there you go with another edition of WWE Monday Night RAW in the books. We saw the return of Vince McMahon. The return of Booker T to the ring. A new Tough Enough champion was crowned. And lots and lots of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Not bad for one night's work. All in all, it was a pretty good show.
And I'm out of here on that note. Hope you liked the show. Hell, I hope you like the recap. Forget about the actual show. It's all about my recap that matters. Just kidding! Ya'll have a great week and I'll see you on the flip side. I'm Doug and I'm like R-Truth's sanity - I'm outta here. Ubuntu!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Tossing Salt Is Smackdown: June 3, 2011
Tossing Salt Is Smackdown
June 3, 2011
Doug Maynard
And just when you thought it was safe to come back to the computer, here we go again. It's the WWE and it's Friday Night Smackdown on the SyFy Network. Summer is here and things are getting hot, hot, hot and I'm not just talking about in the world of professional wrestling and WWE. Friday nights used to mean drinking with the friends, fishing all night long and partying like it was 1999 (even when it was really 1999). But now, Friday night means Randy Orton, Christian, Sheamus, Cody Rhodes and the rest of the WWE Superstars. I really need to get a life again. Let's get right to it and it's time to take that trip to the pay window, to the land of Pier Six Brawls, Crimson Masks and getting funky like a monkey. Wait, that was WCW Saturday Night. I miss that show. Gordon Solie was the master and Ole Anderson was pure evil at it's best. And now, we get Josh Matthews, Michael Cole and Booker T. Oh vey!
This is the WWE. This is Friday night. It's taped from Des Moines, Iowa and airing on SyFy. I am Doug and this is "Tossing Salt Is Smackdown!" Let's do it!
Tonight on Smackdown,Randy Orton defends the World Championship against The Celtic Warrior, Sheamus. And Wade Barrett defends the Intercontinental Championship. We start off with action.
Christian versus Mark Henry
Christian has a new t-shirt. Finally! Let the Peeps rejoice. We finally get to change our clothes. Mark uses the power for the early advantage,but Christian throws the fists. Mark to the arms and with some kicks. Christian dives to the outside and Henry catches him on the outside before tossing him back in the ring. Wow! Shades of the original "World's Strongest Man, Ken Patera". He's strong. It's all Mark Henry in control and just kicks away at the Peeple's Champ. Henry clamps in a "Shades of Muta" nervelock on the nech before missing a splash. Christian fights back with kicks and elbows. Henry uses a clothesline to send Christian to the floor. Christian moves and Henry hits the announce table. Christian with a splash, but Henry catches him and goes for slam. Christian escapes and hits Unprettier for the pin.
Winner: Christian
Later tonight, Big Zeke takes on Wade Barrett to go after the Intercontinental title. Christian has a microphone and he'll talk after the commercial break.
Christian has the mic. He just beat Mark Henry and that's not easy. He wanted a different victory tonight. Sheamus is facing Orton and he feels it should be him. We see footage from last week. Ref was distracted when Christian had Shemaus pinned. Video doesn't lie. He had Sheamus beat. Christian isn't blaming anyone. He wants one more chance to become the champ. And here is Teddy Long.
Teddy saw the footage. He agrees that Christian was a victim of circumstance. Christian wants to be Number One Contender. The fans agree. The don't particularly care for Sheamus. Teddy feels the pain, but he can't change things. Christian suggests a triple threat match. Teddy has been deliberating this situation. Sheamus won and gets to face Orton. But to make sure that there are no circumstances tonight, Christian is the special guest referee. Holla Holla Holla! Christian doesn't seem very happy about that. We cut to the anouncers who talk about Sheamus and we get a video highlight reel of the pale man known as the Celtic Warrior. Later tonight, it's Orton versus Sheamus and Christian is the special guest referee.
Last time we had a guest referee in the WWE, it was Bret Hart on RAW a few weeks ago. Bret cheated to help Cena and Rey beat Punk and Truth. Will Christian cheat? And if so, who will he cheat for? I guess we'll find out later. Why doesn't Teddy be the guest referee? He's got plenty of experience in that role. Holla Holla Holla! Can you hear me, playa?
Alicia Fox & Tamina (w/ Rosa Mendez) versus Kaitlyn & A.J. (w/ Natayla)
Tamina is a bully with shoves and kicks, but misses a splash. Alicia tags in and she fights A.J. Alicia with a knee and Tamina tags back in with kicks and a slam. She knocks Kaitlyn to the floor and Tamina plants A.J. for the win.
Winners: Tamina & Alicia Fox w/Rosa Mendez
Randy Orton is in the back looking all serious and wicked. No one in the WWE likes a bully, unless it's for a good storyline... or a good laugh. They make sure we know that and can learn more at WWE.com or by checking out their "Be A Star" site. I remember when Heidenreich bullied Michael Cole. That was a great WWE moment, although Cole might not agree. The Rock was a bully too, but he was electrifying, so that was cool too. The Horsemen were bullies and proud of it. But they weren't WWE. They were just the very best in the business. And that's all that really mattered.
A Sin Cara video airs. And no one cares. Just another short guy in a mask. Here comes Cody Rhodes and his "bag men". We see video from last week where Daniel Bryan made Cody tap out, but got "bagged" for his trouble. Cody says that winning isn't everything. Losers say that. Stats may say that Bryan won that match, but they're wrong. Bryan was humiliated and lost. Bryan is so dull, he looks like a member of the audience, he's a loser. He tells the baggers to get busy and distribute the bags to the fans. He continues to trash Daniel Bryan with his monologue. Up later, Ted DiBiase takes on Daniel Bryan.
Great Khali is in the back. We see film from last week as Kane beats Khali. Jinder Mahal comes out and beats on Khali's brother. Khali puts his little brother in the vice and lays him out. Matt Striker asks Khali what made him so abusive to his brother last week. Jinder is here and takes over the interview. He's taking his first step towards immortality. Jinder and Khali leave.
This Monday, it's the live season finale of Tough Enough, hosted by Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's "Cool Hand" Luke versus "Silent Rage". And all the other Tough Enough contestants are back as well. Should be good. Watch it. I wonder if any former TE folks will be there? How about Nidia? How about Daniel Puder? I want to see Linda Miles and see if she's still nuts.
Did you know that a lot of people watch Smackdown on the SyFy network.
Jinder Mahal w/ The Great Khali versus Yoshi Tatsu
Yoshi gets a good pop coming out. Jinder with kicks and punches. It's fist city as he just dominates Yoshi. Neckbreaker by Jinder for a two count. It's clubbering time. And a cover for three after a full nelson suplex slam. Total squash. Poor Yoshi. We barely knew you...
Winner: Jinder Mahal
Khali puts Tatsu in the vice grip and puts him out on the mat after the match as Jinder gives orders. Khali raises Jinder's hand in victory. Coming up next, Wade Barrett defends the IC title against Ezekiel Jackson. We see a commerical for "That's What I Am", starring "The Viper" Randy Orton. It's on DVD and BluRay at the Wal-Mart. And incidentially, finally did break down and see it a few days ago. It's actually a really good and entertaining movie. Check it out.
Josh and the others plus Capital Punishment and we get the stupid dream sequence plugging the pay per view. It's not funny anymore. Give it up already! The PPV is on June 19th. Get it over with already. Let's go to the ring.
Intercontinental Championship
Wade Barrett (c) versus Ezekial Jackson
Wade is alone tonight with no Corre members at ringside. Wade with kicks and punches in the corner. Zeke reverses and does the beatdown on Wade. Zeke with the elbow for two. It's all Zeke, but Wade with a knee to the face. Wade with a side-slam for a two count. Wade locks in a reverse chinlock. "Shades of Bob Backlund" atomic drop by Wade. Zeke fights back and takes over with clotheslines. A big splash in the corner and Zeke starts with the multi-slams. Zeke with the torture rack, but Wade goes to the eyes and ropes to escape. Wade goes to the floor. Here comes Gabriel and Slater to the ring and they surround the ring. The ref counts Wade out.
Winner by Count Out: "Big Zeke" Jackson (Barrett retains the IC title!)
Justin and Heath charge the ring and attack Big Zeke. Wade just walks away to the back while Zeke cleans house and sends the Corre guys back up the ramp. Matt Striker asks Sheamus about having Christian as the special referee. Christian walks by and Sheamus chases him down to talk to him. Sheamus tells Christian that he was robbed and that Sheamus would have had a triple threat match. Christian calls Sheamus a liar. Sheamus threatens Christian. Christian tells Sheamus that he'll be calling the match down the middle and tells Sheamus to quit worrying about him as the referee and to start worrying about Randy Orton instead.
There's an interview with Eve at WWE.com. Here comes Daniel Bryan as we go to a match.
Daniel Bryan versus Ted DiBiase
It looks like Teddy is alone. I was expecting to see Cody out with him. Some amateur back and forth and Daniel scores with a dropkick for two. Lots of great wrestling and Ted gets a two count. Ted with the fists and some "Shades of Wahoo" chops. Ted with a kick, but misses a dropkick. Daniel with a kick to the chest for two. And here comes Cody Rhodes and the "Baggers". And we go to a commercial.
Ted with a surfboard on Bryan. We see a replay and during the break, Teddy hit a "Shades of Double A" spinebuster to take the advantage. Teddy takes Bryan and wraps him around the steel ringpost. Fist city and it's all DiBiase with the hard whip to the corner. Ted with the shoulders in the corner. Daniel with a backflip off the top and a clothesline to take the advantage. Daniel with kicksand a hurracurrana. But Teddy holds on and gets two. Teddy comes back for another two count. Ted DiBiase gets knocked to the floor and Bryan scores with a suicide dive which connects. Daniel and Cody eyeball each other. Bryan to the top and Cody catches him with a dropkick for a two count. Ted goes for the Million Dollar Dream, but Bryan escapes and locks in the LaBelle lock for the submission.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Cody goes into the room and does the beatdown on Daniel Bryan. Teddy joins in the fun. And here comes Sin Cara and he clears the ring for the save. Bryan and Sin Cara stand tall in the ring and challenge Ted DiBiase and Cody to return to the ring. Why does Sin Cara's music have to hit before he comes out to make the save? I hate that when it happens. It almost makes it seem like it was pre-planned or something. Sin Cara is a high flying little guy, but I've got news for him. He's no Super Crazy. He's not super... or crazy. Just saying. Too bad that he (legit) hurt Chavo because I was looking forward to seeing that feud continue. Chavito is de' man!
Did you know that the WWE has a lot of friends on Facebook. So do I and I want more. It's www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me. Be happy!
WWE Raw Rebound: R-Truth talks trash and destroys some John Cena merchandise. Truth doesn't like John Cena or "Little Jimmy". Truth beats Cena by a count-out and gives "The Jimmy's" a drink bath. I love it! And that's the truth.
Johnny Curtis is in the back and he talks about winning NXT Season 4. He's upset because he's not getting to wrestle his mentor, R-Truth, so Curtis does what anyone would do. He pours some milk in a pan and pours it over himself. I guess he's "crying over spilled milk". Lame ass way to get the point across. Michael Cole spills the news that because of his victory over Cena on RAW, Truth will face Cena at the PPV in two weeks for the WWE Championship, but only if R-Truth apologizes for his behavior in soaking the "Jimmy's". And it's time for the main event.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Special Referee: Christian
Randy Orton (c) versus Sheamus
Long lock up and Sheamus takes control with the headlock. Sheamus with the knee and shoulders. Forearms by Randy. Randy with the clothesline and some fists. Stomps by Randy and Sheamus to the floor. Randy follows for some brawling on the outside. Randy gets a two. Sheamus with fists and an elbow for two. Back to the outside and Sheamus rams Orton into the ringpost. Sheamus gets a two count. And we go to a commercial.
We come back and Sheamus is working over Orton's neck. Big knee by Sheamus for a two count. Sheamus does some clubbering and pounds on Orton's chest for two. Front facelock by the Celtic Warrior. Randy with a suplex to come back. Orton with a kick to the face and a clothesline. Vintage Orton for a two count. Sheamus with a kick to the leg and up to the top. Orton with fists and a "Shades of the Super Destroyer" superplex for a two count. Orton goes for a DDT, but Sheamus hits a shoulder for a two count. Running power slam by Sheamus for two. Orton grabs the legs and gets a two. Backbreaker by Sheamus for another two. Sheamus misses the kick and Randy hits a DDT. He's ready for it. Randy misses the RKO and Sheamus takes control. Sheamus hits Christian with a shoulder by accident. Christian teases a DQ, but tells Sheamus to continue. Boot by Sheamus and he covers. Christian counts two and stops. He's "injured". Sheamus argues with Christian because he had Randy covered for at least a five or six count. Christian still plays off that he is "injured" from the earlier collision. Randy is up and coming back and hits the RKO for the pin.
Winner and STILL Champion: Randy Orton
And here it comes as Christian lays out Randy Orton with the World Title belt. Christian stands over Randy and raises the title in the air, telling Randy that "I can beat you, Randy. I can beat you!". And Christian walks from the ring with the World Championship Belt on his shoulder. Christian holds up the title as the show ends. Finally,it's the return of the "Age of Awesomeness" as "Captain Charisma" is back.
And that's it. The end of another great show by the WWE. The Diva match sucked and made no sense, but the rest of the show was rather good, with no wasted motion. Every match and every interview and every action had a purpose in either continuing a storyline or else building to the PPV. Well, everything but that Johnny Curtis moment. That was just dumb.
And that's it for my recap as well. I hope you enjoyed. I'm Doug and I am out of here, my friends. Until the next time, take it easy and always be a fan. Ubuntu!
June 3, 2011
Doug Maynard
And just when you thought it was safe to come back to the computer, here we go again. It's the WWE and it's Friday Night Smackdown on the SyFy Network. Summer is here and things are getting hot, hot, hot and I'm not just talking about in the world of professional wrestling and WWE. Friday nights used to mean drinking with the friends, fishing all night long and partying like it was 1999 (even when it was really 1999). But now, Friday night means Randy Orton, Christian, Sheamus, Cody Rhodes and the rest of the WWE Superstars. I really need to get a life again. Let's get right to it and it's time to take that trip to the pay window, to the land of Pier Six Brawls, Crimson Masks and getting funky like a monkey. Wait, that was WCW Saturday Night. I miss that show. Gordon Solie was the master and Ole Anderson was pure evil at it's best. And now, we get Josh Matthews, Michael Cole and Booker T. Oh vey!
This is the WWE. This is Friday night. It's taped from Des Moines, Iowa and airing on SyFy. I am Doug and this is "Tossing Salt Is Smackdown!" Let's do it!
Tonight on Smackdown,Randy Orton defends the World Championship against The Celtic Warrior, Sheamus. And Wade Barrett defends the Intercontinental Championship. We start off with action.
Christian versus Mark Henry
Christian has a new t-shirt. Finally! Let the Peeps rejoice. We finally get to change our clothes. Mark uses the power for the early advantage,but Christian throws the fists. Mark to the arms and with some kicks. Christian dives to the outside and Henry catches him on the outside before tossing him back in the ring. Wow! Shades of the original "World's Strongest Man, Ken Patera". He's strong. It's all Mark Henry in control and just kicks away at the Peeple's Champ. Henry clamps in a "Shades of Muta" nervelock on the nech before missing a splash. Christian fights back with kicks and elbows. Henry uses a clothesline to send Christian to the floor. Christian moves and Henry hits the announce table. Christian with a splash, but Henry catches him and goes for slam. Christian escapes and hits Unprettier for the pin.
Winner: Christian
Later tonight, Big Zeke takes on Wade Barrett to go after the Intercontinental title. Christian has a microphone and he'll talk after the commercial break.
Christian has the mic. He just beat Mark Henry and that's not easy. He wanted a different victory tonight. Sheamus is facing Orton and he feels it should be him. We see footage from last week. Ref was distracted when Christian had Shemaus pinned. Video doesn't lie. He had Sheamus beat. Christian isn't blaming anyone. He wants one more chance to become the champ. And here is Teddy Long.
Teddy saw the footage. He agrees that Christian was a victim of circumstance. Christian wants to be Number One Contender. The fans agree. The don't particularly care for Sheamus. Teddy feels the pain, but he can't change things. Christian suggests a triple threat match. Teddy has been deliberating this situation. Sheamus won and gets to face Orton. But to make sure that there are no circumstances tonight, Christian is the special guest referee. Holla Holla Holla! Christian doesn't seem very happy about that. We cut to the anouncers who talk about Sheamus and we get a video highlight reel of the pale man known as the Celtic Warrior. Later tonight, it's Orton versus Sheamus and Christian is the special guest referee.
Last time we had a guest referee in the WWE, it was Bret Hart on RAW a few weeks ago. Bret cheated to help Cena and Rey beat Punk and Truth. Will Christian cheat? And if so, who will he cheat for? I guess we'll find out later. Why doesn't Teddy be the guest referee? He's got plenty of experience in that role. Holla Holla Holla! Can you hear me, playa?
Alicia Fox & Tamina (w/ Rosa Mendez) versus Kaitlyn & A.J. (w/ Natayla)
Tamina is a bully with shoves and kicks, but misses a splash. Alicia tags in and she fights A.J. Alicia with a knee and Tamina tags back in with kicks and a slam. She knocks Kaitlyn to the floor and Tamina plants A.J. for the win.
Winners: Tamina & Alicia Fox w/Rosa Mendez
Randy Orton is in the back looking all serious and wicked. No one in the WWE likes a bully, unless it's for a good storyline... or a good laugh. They make sure we know that and can learn more at WWE.com or by checking out their "Be A Star" site. I remember when Heidenreich bullied Michael Cole. That was a great WWE moment, although Cole might not agree. The Rock was a bully too, but he was electrifying, so that was cool too. The Horsemen were bullies and proud of it. But they weren't WWE. They were just the very best in the business. And that's all that really mattered.
A Sin Cara video airs. And no one cares. Just another short guy in a mask. Here comes Cody Rhodes and his "bag men". We see video from last week where Daniel Bryan made Cody tap out, but got "bagged" for his trouble. Cody says that winning isn't everything. Losers say that. Stats may say that Bryan won that match, but they're wrong. Bryan was humiliated and lost. Bryan is so dull, he looks like a member of the audience, he's a loser. He tells the baggers to get busy and distribute the bags to the fans. He continues to trash Daniel Bryan with his monologue. Up later, Ted DiBiase takes on Daniel Bryan.
Great Khali is in the back. We see film from last week as Kane beats Khali. Jinder Mahal comes out and beats on Khali's brother. Khali puts his little brother in the vice and lays him out. Matt Striker asks Khali what made him so abusive to his brother last week. Jinder is here and takes over the interview. He's taking his first step towards immortality. Jinder and Khali leave.
This Monday, it's the live season finale of Tough Enough, hosted by Stone Cold Steve Austin. It's "Cool Hand" Luke versus "Silent Rage". And all the other Tough Enough contestants are back as well. Should be good. Watch it. I wonder if any former TE folks will be there? How about Nidia? How about Daniel Puder? I want to see Linda Miles and see if she's still nuts.
Did you know that a lot of people watch Smackdown on the SyFy network.
Jinder Mahal w/ The Great Khali versus Yoshi Tatsu
Yoshi gets a good pop coming out. Jinder with kicks and punches. It's fist city as he just dominates Yoshi. Neckbreaker by Jinder for a two count. It's clubbering time. And a cover for three after a full nelson suplex slam. Total squash. Poor Yoshi. We barely knew you...
Winner: Jinder Mahal
Khali puts Tatsu in the vice grip and puts him out on the mat after the match as Jinder gives orders. Khali raises Jinder's hand in victory. Coming up next, Wade Barrett defends the IC title against Ezekiel Jackson. We see a commerical for "That's What I Am", starring "The Viper" Randy Orton. It's on DVD and BluRay at the Wal-Mart. And incidentially, finally did break down and see it a few days ago. It's actually a really good and entertaining movie. Check it out.
Josh and the others plus Capital Punishment and we get the stupid dream sequence plugging the pay per view. It's not funny anymore. Give it up already! The PPV is on June 19th. Get it over with already. Let's go to the ring.
Intercontinental Championship
Wade Barrett (c) versus Ezekial Jackson
Wade is alone tonight with no Corre members at ringside. Wade with kicks and punches in the corner. Zeke reverses and does the beatdown on Wade. Zeke with the elbow for two. It's all Zeke, but Wade with a knee to the face. Wade with a side-slam for a two count. Wade locks in a reverse chinlock. "Shades of Bob Backlund" atomic drop by Wade. Zeke fights back and takes over with clotheslines. A big splash in the corner and Zeke starts with the multi-slams. Zeke with the torture rack, but Wade goes to the eyes and ropes to escape. Wade goes to the floor. Here comes Gabriel and Slater to the ring and they surround the ring. The ref counts Wade out.
Winner by Count Out: "Big Zeke" Jackson (Barrett retains the IC title!)
Justin and Heath charge the ring and attack Big Zeke. Wade just walks away to the back while Zeke cleans house and sends the Corre guys back up the ramp. Matt Striker asks Sheamus about having Christian as the special referee. Christian walks by and Sheamus chases him down to talk to him. Sheamus tells Christian that he was robbed and that Sheamus would have had a triple threat match. Christian calls Sheamus a liar. Sheamus threatens Christian. Christian tells Sheamus that he'll be calling the match down the middle and tells Sheamus to quit worrying about him as the referee and to start worrying about Randy Orton instead.
There's an interview with Eve at WWE.com. Here comes Daniel Bryan as we go to a match.
Daniel Bryan versus Ted DiBiase
It looks like Teddy is alone. I was expecting to see Cody out with him. Some amateur back and forth and Daniel scores with a dropkick for two. Lots of great wrestling and Ted gets a two count. Ted with the fists and some "Shades of Wahoo" chops. Ted with a kick, but misses a dropkick. Daniel with a kick to the chest for two. And here comes Cody Rhodes and the "Baggers". And we go to a commercial.
Ted with a surfboard on Bryan. We see a replay and during the break, Teddy hit a "Shades of Double A" spinebuster to take the advantage. Teddy takes Bryan and wraps him around the steel ringpost. Fist city and it's all DiBiase with the hard whip to the corner. Ted with the shoulders in the corner. Daniel with a backflip off the top and a clothesline to take the advantage. Daniel with kicksand a hurracurrana. But Teddy holds on and gets two. Teddy comes back for another two count. Ted DiBiase gets knocked to the floor and Bryan scores with a suicide dive which connects. Daniel and Cody eyeball each other. Bryan to the top and Cody catches him with a dropkick for a two count. Ted goes for the Million Dollar Dream, but Bryan escapes and locks in the LaBelle lock for the submission.
Winner: Daniel Bryan
Cody goes into the room and does the beatdown on Daniel Bryan. Teddy joins in the fun. And here comes Sin Cara and he clears the ring for the save. Bryan and Sin Cara stand tall in the ring and challenge Ted DiBiase and Cody to return to the ring. Why does Sin Cara's music have to hit before he comes out to make the save? I hate that when it happens. It almost makes it seem like it was pre-planned or something. Sin Cara is a high flying little guy, but I've got news for him. He's no Super Crazy. He's not super... or crazy. Just saying. Too bad that he (legit) hurt Chavo because I was looking forward to seeing that feud continue. Chavito is de' man!
Did you know that the WWE has a lot of friends on Facebook. So do I and I want more. It's www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me. Be happy!
WWE Raw Rebound: R-Truth talks trash and destroys some John Cena merchandise. Truth doesn't like John Cena or "Little Jimmy". Truth beats Cena by a count-out and gives "The Jimmy's" a drink bath. I love it! And that's the truth.
Johnny Curtis is in the back and he talks about winning NXT Season 4. He's upset because he's not getting to wrestle his mentor, R-Truth, so Curtis does what anyone would do. He pours some milk in a pan and pours it over himself. I guess he's "crying over spilled milk". Lame ass way to get the point across. Michael Cole spills the news that because of his victory over Cena on RAW, Truth will face Cena at the PPV in two weeks for the WWE Championship, but only if R-Truth apologizes for his behavior in soaking the "Jimmy's". And it's time for the main event.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Special Referee: Christian
Randy Orton (c) versus Sheamus
Long lock up and Sheamus takes control with the headlock. Sheamus with the knee and shoulders. Forearms by Randy. Randy with the clothesline and some fists. Stomps by Randy and Sheamus to the floor. Randy follows for some brawling on the outside. Randy gets a two. Sheamus with fists and an elbow for two. Back to the outside and Sheamus rams Orton into the ringpost. Sheamus gets a two count. And we go to a commercial.
We come back and Sheamus is working over Orton's neck. Big knee by Sheamus for a two count. Sheamus does some clubbering and pounds on Orton's chest for two. Front facelock by the Celtic Warrior. Randy with a suplex to come back. Orton with a kick to the face and a clothesline. Vintage Orton for a two count. Sheamus with a kick to the leg and up to the top. Orton with fists and a "Shades of the Super Destroyer" superplex for a two count. Orton goes for a DDT, but Sheamus hits a shoulder for a two count. Running power slam by Sheamus for two. Orton grabs the legs and gets a two. Backbreaker by Sheamus for another two. Sheamus misses the kick and Randy hits a DDT. He's ready for it. Randy misses the RKO and Sheamus takes control. Sheamus hits Christian with a shoulder by accident. Christian teases a DQ, but tells Sheamus to continue. Boot by Sheamus and he covers. Christian counts two and stops. He's "injured". Sheamus argues with Christian because he had Randy covered for at least a five or six count. Christian still plays off that he is "injured" from the earlier collision. Randy is up and coming back and hits the RKO for the pin.
Winner and STILL Champion: Randy Orton
And here it comes as Christian lays out Randy Orton with the World Title belt. Christian stands over Randy and raises the title in the air, telling Randy that "I can beat you, Randy. I can beat you!". And Christian walks from the ring with the World Championship Belt on his shoulder. Christian holds up the title as the show ends. Finally,it's the return of the "Age of Awesomeness" as "Captain Charisma" is back.
And that's it. The end of another great show by the WWE. The Diva match sucked and made no sense, but the rest of the show was rather good, with no wasted motion. Every match and every interview and every action had a purpose in either continuing a storyline or else building to the PPV. Well, everything but that Johnny Curtis moment. That was just dumb.
And that's it for my recap as well. I hope you enjoyed. I'm Doug and I am out of here, my friends. Until the next time, take it easy and always be a fan. Ubuntu!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Spillin' My Guts Survey...
Spillin' My Guts Survey...
Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?
Well, there were two people there with me and it's not that big a car, so I expect that there was some eyeballin' going on.
When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
Nah - I can walk and drink at the same time (usually)...
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
If you're willing to work hard and sacrifice enough, you'll probably win in the end - and then realize that it was a waste of time and effort because it's never quite what was expected in the end (I'm feeling cynical tonight).
Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
I already answered that in the first question. Yeppers!
Ever snuck out of your house?
Back when I was much younger, I did it quite frequently. Not so much anymore - I just make sure I leave a note... lol.
Kill or Be killed?
I'm not letting anybody kill me if that's what you're asking... that would be stoopid!
Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken?
Depends on the person and the circumstances. I know I can handle pain and heartache - not always sure if the other person can.
What did you do today?
Picked up for Food Bank, visited friends, rediscovered a part of me that I haven't seen in twenty-plus years, wrote, tried to fix my car window (no luck), slept, washed clothes, and tried to stay out of the heat (no luck there either)
Do you like someone right this second?
I'm IN LOVE with someone right this second : ) - and I have a slight lusting for a couple of others (but they don't have a clue - damn it!)
Would you ever get a tattoo?
I've already got three - what's one more?
What was the last thing you ate?
Ham sandwich
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Definitely a night person - I don't do "daylight"..
Do you snore?
Not sure - come sleep with me and then you can let me know... : D
Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
I know many people who have gone that route..
What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body?
Tell it that we gave at the office and to have a nice day. And then close the door and go back to bed...
Do you like to spend time with people?
Yes and no - I like my friends and enjoy their company, BUT I'm extremely happy and content when I'm alone and can relax without having to put on my "happy" mask I so frequently hide behind. I'm definitely a loner type.
Are you hungry?
Nah - that sammich earlier filled me up.
Are you a forgiving person?
I forgive easily - but I NEVER forget.
When was the last time you did the dishes?
About an hour ago - I wash my dishes as I dirty them - I can't stand to see then pile up....
Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Nope
Do you want a relationship right now?
I would love a "normal" relationship right now - where I can actually be with the guy I love and spend time with him and show my feelings and affection. But I guess that's asking too much.
What are you about to do?
Not sure really. Go put clothes in the dryer and maybe work on my "Never Land" fic for a while.
Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Yep - and then I got a phone call from out of the blue after twenty five years. It was a very pleasant shock.
If you could be a superhero what would you want to do?
So far as powers go, I'd like the abilities of telepathy and mind control. But I wouldn't make it as a super-hero. I'd probably end up as a misguided vigilante on the wrong side of the (corrupt) law, using my powers behind the scenes to right what I percieve as injustices (regardless of the legalities involved).
Your name plus "ness"?
Dougness!!
Three feelings at the moment?
Frustration, boredom and anxiety.
Done anything you regret so far in life?
I have made many mistakes over the years and have many regrets. Too bad we can't rewind and do a play over.
Are you listening to anything?
Just the sounds of the fan.
Where are you right now?
In the front living room of the house, which I consider my "sanctuary" and computer room now.
What are you scared of?
The future, spider-crickets, being alone as I get older, reality... take your pick..
Last movie you watched?
I watched "Tinkerbell: The Great Fairy Rescue" last night on Disney channel..
Last song you sang out loud?
She Talks To Angels - Black Crowes
Are you thinking of someone right now?
Cal stays on my mind and in my heart - also thinking about my one-time roomie, Jack - need to give him a call. He's an awesome guy and I'm so damn glad he's alive...
Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
That would be Brian (he was supposed to call me back tonight - nothing yet though..)
Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
Probably some videos from YouTube.
Have you changed much this year?
I'm constantly changing and evolving (or devolving) depending upon who you ask and what day of the week it is.
Where was the last place you went besides where you are?
Brian's house..
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
I AM a celebrity - I write pro wrestling's most eclectic column (since 2003) and am an "internet wrestling journalist" (whatever the hell that is) I don't "look like celebrities" - they wish they could look like me... lol.
Do you speak any other language?
Bits and pieces of spanish and latin (took them in high school - can't remember much though), sarcasm, profanity, kitty cat meow talk, ebonics, Robeson county speak & redneck..
Do you dress for style or comfort?
I've been dressing the same way for thirty plus years - definitely comfort.
Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
No, but I've had a drunken night in a Mexican club with a group of Mexicans - I was the token gringo (for the whole club) and didn't have a clue as to what anyone was saying, but damn it - I had a great time and major fun..
What's the craziest thing you've done?
I can't put that on here - I have (some) self respect... lol. I'll play it safe and say it was the trip to Washington D.C. with Wakana and Alex Debnam - that was a great adventure that belongs in a movie script (but no one would believe most of the stuff... lol)
Favorite color(s)?
Purple, black and hot pink..
What is your favorite Nickelback song?
I can't even think of any Nickelback songs right now so I'll just list my favorite Human League song instead. "Keep Feeling (Fascination)"... lol.
What are you looking forward to this summer?
For it to be over - I don't do HEAT!
Last time you smiled?
I'm smiling right now (or maybe that's just gas?) Hmmmmm...
If you could choose any fate what would you choose?
I'd start making money with this writing stuff, become more focused and disciplined and end up a wealthy semi-recluse, living in a condo in Wilmington, NC with the man I love by my side and two cats. And I'd finally be content and happy.
If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?
To be able to hold Cal in my arms right here and now. I miss him!
Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone?
Well, there were two people there with me and it's not that big a car, so I expect that there was some eyeballin' going on.
When you're walking, do you stop to drink?
Nah - I can walk and drink at the same time (usually)...
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?
If you're willing to work hard and sacrifice enough, you'll probably win in the end - and then realize that it was a waste of time and effort because it's never quite what was expected in the end (I'm feeling cynical tonight).
Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
I already answered that in the first question. Yeppers!
Ever snuck out of your house?
Back when I was much younger, I did it quite frequently. Not so much anymore - I just make sure I leave a note... lol.
Kill or Be killed?
I'm not letting anybody kill me if that's what you're asking... that would be stoopid!
Break someone’s heart or have your heart broken?
Depends on the person and the circumstances. I know I can handle pain and heartache - not always sure if the other person can.
What did you do today?
Picked up for Food Bank, visited friends, rediscovered a part of me that I haven't seen in twenty-plus years, wrote, tried to fix my car window (no luck), slept, washed clothes, and tried to stay out of the heat (no luck there either)
Do you like someone right this second?
I'm IN LOVE with someone right this second : ) - and I have a slight lusting for a couple of others (but they don't have a clue - damn it!)
Would you ever get a tattoo?
I've already got three - what's one more?
What was the last thing you ate?
Ham sandwich
Are you a morning person or a night person?
Definitely a night person - I don't do "daylight"..
Do you snore?
Not sure - come sleep with me and then you can let me know... : D
Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion?
I know many people who have gone that route..
What would you do if you opened up your front door to a dead body?
Tell it that we gave at the office and to have a nice day. And then close the door and go back to bed...
Do you like to spend time with people?
Yes and no - I like my friends and enjoy their company, BUT I'm extremely happy and content when I'm alone and can relax without having to put on my "happy" mask I so frequently hide behind. I'm definitely a loner type.
Are you hungry?
Nah - that sammich earlier filled me up.
Are you a forgiving person?
I forgive easily - but I NEVER forget.
When was the last time you did the dishes?
About an hour ago - I wash my dishes as I dirty them - I can't stand to see then pile up....
Are you talking to anyone while doing this?
Nope
Do you want a relationship right now?
I would love a "normal" relationship right now - where I can actually be with the guy I love and spend time with him and show my feelings and affection. But I guess that's asking too much.
What are you about to do?
Not sure really. Go put clothes in the dryer and maybe work on my "Never Land" fic for a while.
Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn't?
Yep - and then I got a phone call from out of the blue after twenty five years. It was a very pleasant shock.
If you could be a superhero what would you want to do?
So far as powers go, I'd like the abilities of telepathy and mind control. But I wouldn't make it as a super-hero. I'd probably end up as a misguided vigilante on the wrong side of the (corrupt) law, using my powers behind the scenes to right what I percieve as injustices (regardless of the legalities involved).
Your name plus "ness"?
Dougness!!
Three feelings at the moment?
Frustration, boredom and anxiety.
Done anything you regret so far in life?
I have made many mistakes over the years and have many regrets. Too bad we can't rewind and do a play over.
Are you listening to anything?
Just the sounds of the fan.
Where are you right now?
In the front living room of the house, which I consider my "sanctuary" and computer room now.
What are you scared of?
The future, spider-crickets, being alone as I get older, reality... take your pick..
Last movie you watched?
I watched "Tinkerbell: The Great Fairy Rescue" last night on Disney channel..
Last song you sang out loud?
She Talks To Angels - Black Crowes
Are you thinking of someone right now?
Cal stays on my mind and in my heart - also thinking about my one-time roomie, Jack - need to give him a call. He's an awesome guy and I'm so damn glad he's alive...
Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?
That would be Brian (he was supposed to call me back tonight - nothing yet though..)
Last thing you downloaded on your computer?
Probably some videos from YouTube.
Have you changed much this year?
I'm constantly changing and evolving (or devolving) depending upon who you ask and what day of the week it is.
Where was the last place you went besides where you are?
Brian's house..
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
I AM a celebrity - I write pro wrestling's most eclectic column (since 2003) and am an "internet wrestling journalist" (whatever the hell that is) I don't "look like celebrities" - they wish they could look like me... lol.
Do you speak any other language?
Bits and pieces of spanish and latin (took them in high school - can't remember much though), sarcasm, profanity, kitty cat meow talk, ebonics, Robeson county speak & redneck..
Do you dress for style or comfort?
I've been dressing the same way for thirty plus years - definitely comfort.
Ever had a drunken night in Mexico?
No, but I've had a drunken night in a Mexican club with a group of Mexicans - I was the token gringo (for the whole club) and didn't have a clue as to what anyone was saying, but damn it - I had a great time and major fun..
What's the craziest thing you've done?
I can't put that on here - I have (some) self respect... lol. I'll play it safe and say it was the trip to Washington D.C. with Wakana and Alex Debnam - that was a great adventure that belongs in a movie script (but no one would believe most of the stuff... lol)
Favorite color(s)?
Purple, black and hot pink..
What is your favorite Nickelback song?
I can't even think of any Nickelback songs right now so I'll just list my favorite Human League song instead. "Keep Feeling (Fascination)"... lol.
What are you looking forward to this summer?
For it to be over - I don't do HEAT!
Last time you smiled?
I'm smiling right now (or maybe that's just gas?) Hmmmmm...
If you could choose any fate what would you choose?
I'd start making money with this writing stuff, become more focused and disciplined and end up a wealthy semi-recluse, living in a condo in Wilmington, NC with the man I love by my side and two cats. And I'd finally be content and happy.
If you could have anything in the world, what would you want?
To be able to hold Cal in my arms right here and now. I miss him!
The Adventures of Ozzy and Sharon... (Fiction)
A/N: Had an idea for a long fic about a super-concert event with all of my favorite singers, etc. The idea has been nagging at me for a few days. So I decided to see what I could come up with. And it's not quite was I was expecting. These things pretty much write themselves anyhow and I'm just along for the ride. But what the heck. It's all good. Enjoy!
***
"Blast, spit and hades", Sharon Osbourne cursed into the phone. "Well, to hell with you!"
"Sharon, what's wrong?", Ozzy Osbourne asked as he walked into the room.
"I was just on the phone with an idiot record executive", Sharon screeched. "And he had the nerve to say that no one gives a rats ass about your music anymore. You're too freakin' old!"
"I'm not too old", Ozzy protested. "Our last tour sold out all over the world."
"I know that and you know that, but you know how these idiots are. It's nearly impossible to get any radio play and everything is geared towards those young kids like Justin Beiber and Bruno Mars.
"I like Justin", Ozzy said with a smile. "He's a smart young lad!"
"I like him too", Sharon said with a sigh. "But what pisses me off is that his generation is all the radio and music execs care about. They keep telling me that you're too old!"
"So why don't we prove them wrong?", Ozzy asked.
"Easier said than done", Sharon remarked. "Unless we can come up with a single and sell ten million copies so we can tell those bastards what to do with their old age remarks."
"Why don't we do that then?", Ozzy asked.
"What? Sell ten million singles?", Sharon asked.
"Probably not", Ozzy said, "but we can get about twenty or twenty-five million viewers."
"What are you thinking about?", Sharon asked her husband.
"Well, I was watching VH1 last night and they were replaying those Diva concerts."
"I remember those things", Sharon said. "They did really well in the ratings and showcased a lot of great talent."
"So why don't we do one of those concerts, but instead of Divas, we use old rockers? I'm sure that we could get up a pretty fair group of guys and girls who can't get any radio airplay or promotion by the record companies for being too old. We could get together, throw one helluva concert live on the TV, get some great ratings and tell everyone to kiss our ass!"
Sharon thought about it for a few minutes.
"That's a bloody smashing idea. You really want to do it?"
"Hell yes", Ozzy shouted.
"I really do like this idea", Sharon smiled. "And we can make it a charity event too so all the money goes to the charities instead of the record companies."
"Good!", Ozzy grinned. "Don't give those cheeky bastards anything!"
"Let me go make some phone calls and see what I can work out", Sharon said.
"Call MTV", Ozzy said. "I want it on MTV. They haven't played any music in twenty years. It's all reality shows and sixteen year old baby-mama's. I want to bring the music back to MTV!"
"I'm on it", Sharon said.
**
A few weeks later at the Osbourne home...
"Sharon", Ozzy yelled. "The dogs have pooed in the kitchen floor."
"Well, clean it up!", Sharon said as she walked into the room. "My little darlings don't know any better!"
"I wish I was still crazy and on drugs", Ozzy muttered. "I'd bite their yappy little heads off"
"What was that?", Sharon asked.
"Nothing dear", Ozzy muttered. "Did you check into that idea about the big concert on TV for charity for all of us old timers?"
"I did", Sharon said. "And MTV liked the idea, but wants instead to have you do a guest spot on Jersey Shore."
"Jersey Shore?", Ozzy screamed. "Me doing a cameo with Snooki? I won't freakin' do it! Bloody hell!"
"That's what I said too", Sharon said calmly. "So then I called around to a few other people. And finally got the go ahead. Three hours live on prime-time TV with an all-star concert for charity."
"That's great! Which network wants to air it?", Ozzy asked.
"Oprah", Sharon said quietly.
"What the ...", Ozzy swore. "Did you just say bloody freakin' Oprah?"
"She wants to do it on her network", Sharon said.
"I hope you told her to piss off", Ozzy said. "There's no freakin' way I'm doing a concert on Oprah!"
"Well, she's the only one who wants to air it. And she is the most powerful woman in television", Sharon said.
"But she's loud and bossy and you know I can't stand women like that", Ozzy said.
Sharon just glared at him with a cold, hard, cutting glare of a stare.
"Okay, call the bleedin' cow", Ozzy said. "Have we decided who we can get for the show?"
"I'll get all the information together with the dates and the logistics. Meanwhile, you get on the telly and see if you can round up some bodies."
"Who the hell am I supposed to call?", Ozzy asked.
"I don't care", Sharon said. "Look in your old address book. Find some rockers, some rappers... anyone who used to be big time and can't get a call back from the record company these days. Get a good mix. Use your imagination!"
"I hate freakin' rappers", Ozzy shouted.
"Well, I don't care what you hate", Sharon said. "I'll take of that then. You find some rockers and pop stars. Maybe even a country artist or two as well."
"I hate freakin' country music", Ozzy shouted.
"And again, I don't care!", Sharon shouted back. "You find me about five or six big names to perform and I'll find a couple of country and rap guys to round out the mix."
"Who the heck should I call?", Ozzy asked.
"Look in your address book", Sharon said as she laid Ozzy's battered old address book down in front of him. "I'll be on my cell working on the logistics for the show."
Sharon opened her cell phone as she walked into the other room.
"Logistics my rosy red ass", Ozzy muttered to himself.
Ozzy sat there for a few moments and stared at the phone and his address book."
"I wonder who would want to do this show with us?", he asked himself. "I know Alice is touring. So are Poison and Motley Crue. So who the hell should I call?"
Ozzy picked up his address book and flipped it open, staring at the page and the numbers on it.
"May as well start big", Ozzy muttered as he dialed a number.
He let it ring for a few moments and then heard someone pick up on the other end of the line.
"Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne! Do you want to do a show?", he said to the other person. "Well, listen to what I'm proposing!"
**
And so it happened. A big event. A live four hour concert on the Oprah Winfrey Network with all proceeds going to charity. And what an all-star lineup. Ozzy and Sharon worked their contacts and before all was said and done, a mega-concert event was born. It's "Ozzypalooza"... starring Ozzy Osbourne. With very special guests: Sebastian Bach, Iggy Pop, Judas Priest, Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Betty Wright, Bette Midler, Billy Idol, Biz Marke, Doug E. Fresh, Meatloaf, Cher, Donny and Marie Osmond, Peter Frampton, Charlie Daniels, David Allen Coe, Hank Williams Jr., The B-52's, Hall & Oates, The Manhattan Transfer, Janet Jackson, Diana Ross, Tom Petty, Tone Loc, Aerosmith, Kid & Play, Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney...
The show went off without a hitch. Everyone performed a melody of their greatest hits and we saw some great duets and pairings. The ratings were great and the show was viewed by over twenty-five million viewers and raised millions of dollars for charity.
**
Cut to Ozzy Osbourne laying his bed and just waking up.
"My bloody head hurts", he muttered. " I knew I shouldn't have had that fourth helping of Sharon's meatloaf"
Ozzy stirred around for a bit and tried to clear the cobwebs from his head.
"And what a dream that was?", he sighed. "All those musicians! The greatest show on earth, bar none!"
Ozzy sat up in his bed.
"But it doesn't have to be a dream", he said to himself. "Maybe we can make it happen."
Ozzy sat there for a few minutes. And then he muttered again to himself. "Why not?"
Taking a deep breath, Ozzy yelled across the house...
"Sharon"...
THE END (?)
***
"Blast, spit and hades", Sharon Osbourne cursed into the phone. "Well, to hell with you!"
"Sharon, what's wrong?", Ozzy Osbourne asked as he walked into the room.
"I was just on the phone with an idiot record executive", Sharon screeched. "And he had the nerve to say that no one gives a rats ass about your music anymore. You're too freakin' old!"
"I'm not too old", Ozzy protested. "Our last tour sold out all over the world."
"I know that and you know that, but you know how these idiots are. It's nearly impossible to get any radio play and everything is geared towards those young kids like Justin Beiber and Bruno Mars.
"I like Justin", Ozzy said with a smile. "He's a smart young lad!"
"I like him too", Sharon said with a sigh. "But what pisses me off is that his generation is all the radio and music execs care about. They keep telling me that you're too old!"
"So why don't we prove them wrong?", Ozzy asked.
"Easier said than done", Sharon remarked. "Unless we can come up with a single and sell ten million copies so we can tell those bastards what to do with their old age remarks."
"Why don't we do that then?", Ozzy asked.
"What? Sell ten million singles?", Sharon asked.
"Probably not", Ozzy said, "but we can get about twenty or twenty-five million viewers."
"What are you thinking about?", Sharon asked her husband.
"Well, I was watching VH1 last night and they were replaying those Diva concerts."
"I remember those things", Sharon said. "They did really well in the ratings and showcased a lot of great talent."
"So why don't we do one of those concerts, but instead of Divas, we use old rockers? I'm sure that we could get up a pretty fair group of guys and girls who can't get any radio airplay or promotion by the record companies for being too old. We could get together, throw one helluva concert live on the TV, get some great ratings and tell everyone to kiss our ass!"
Sharon thought about it for a few minutes.
"That's a bloody smashing idea. You really want to do it?"
"Hell yes", Ozzy shouted.
"I really do like this idea", Sharon smiled. "And we can make it a charity event too so all the money goes to the charities instead of the record companies."
"Good!", Ozzy grinned. "Don't give those cheeky bastards anything!"
"Let me go make some phone calls and see what I can work out", Sharon said.
"Call MTV", Ozzy said. "I want it on MTV. They haven't played any music in twenty years. It's all reality shows and sixteen year old baby-mama's. I want to bring the music back to MTV!"
"I'm on it", Sharon said.
**
A few weeks later at the Osbourne home...
"Sharon", Ozzy yelled. "The dogs have pooed in the kitchen floor."
"Well, clean it up!", Sharon said as she walked into the room. "My little darlings don't know any better!"
"I wish I was still crazy and on drugs", Ozzy muttered. "I'd bite their yappy little heads off"
"What was that?", Sharon asked.
"Nothing dear", Ozzy muttered. "Did you check into that idea about the big concert on TV for charity for all of us old timers?"
"I did", Sharon said. "And MTV liked the idea, but wants instead to have you do a guest spot on Jersey Shore."
"Jersey Shore?", Ozzy screamed. "Me doing a cameo with Snooki? I won't freakin' do it! Bloody hell!"
"That's what I said too", Sharon said calmly. "So then I called around to a few other people. And finally got the go ahead. Three hours live on prime-time TV with an all-star concert for charity."
"That's great! Which network wants to air it?", Ozzy asked.
"Oprah", Sharon said quietly.
"What the ...", Ozzy swore. "Did you just say bloody freakin' Oprah?"
"She wants to do it on her network", Sharon said.
"I hope you told her to piss off", Ozzy said. "There's no freakin' way I'm doing a concert on Oprah!"
"Well, she's the only one who wants to air it. And she is the most powerful woman in television", Sharon said.
"But she's loud and bossy and you know I can't stand women like that", Ozzy said.
Sharon just glared at him with a cold, hard, cutting glare of a stare.
"Okay, call the bleedin' cow", Ozzy said. "Have we decided who we can get for the show?"
"I'll get all the information together with the dates and the logistics. Meanwhile, you get on the telly and see if you can round up some bodies."
"Who the hell am I supposed to call?", Ozzy asked.
"I don't care", Sharon said. "Look in your old address book. Find some rockers, some rappers... anyone who used to be big time and can't get a call back from the record company these days. Get a good mix. Use your imagination!"
"I hate freakin' rappers", Ozzy shouted.
"Well, I don't care what you hate", Sharon said. "I'll take of that then. You find some rockers and pop stars. Maybe even a country artist or two as well."
"I hate freakin' country music", Ozzy shouted.
"And again, I don't care!", Sharon shouted back. "You find me about five or six big names to perform and I'll find a couple of country and rap guys to round out the mix."
"Who the heck should I call?", Ozzy asked.
"Look in your address book", Sharon said as she laid Ozzy's battered old address book down in front of him. "I'll be on my cell working on the logistics for the show."
Sharon opened her cell phone as she walked into the other room.
"Logistics my rosy red ass", Ozzy muttered to himself.
Ozzy sat there for a few moments and stared at the phone and his address book."
"I wonder who would want to do this show with us?", he asked himself. "I know Alice is touring. So are Poison and Motley Crue. So who the hell should I call?"
Ozzy picked up his address book and flipped it open, staring at the page and the numbers on it.
"May as well start big", Ozzy muttered as he dialed a number.
He let it ring for a few moments and then heard someone pick up on the other end of the line.
"Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne! Do you want to do a show?", he said to the other person. "Well, listen to what I'm proposing!"
**
And so it happened. A big event. A live four hour concert on the Oprah Winfrey Network with all proceeds going to charity. And what an all-star lineup. Ozzy and Sharon worked their contacts and before all was said and done, a mega-concert event was born. It's "Ozzypalooza"... starring Ozzy Osbourne. With very special guests: Sebastian Bach, Iggy Pop, Judas Priest, Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Betty Wright, Bette Midler, Billy Idol, Biz Marke, Doug E. Fresh, Meatloaf, Cher, Donny and Marie Osmond, Peter Frampton, Charlie Daniels, David Allen Coe, Hank Williams Jr., The B-52's, Hall & Oates, The Manhattan Transfer, Janet Jackson, Diana Ross, Tom Petty, Tone Loc, Aerosmith, Kid & Play, Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney...
The show went off without a hitch. Everyone performed a melody of their greatest hits and we saw some great duets and pairings. The ratings were great and the show was viewed by over twenty-five million viewers and raised millions of dollars for charity.
**
Cut to Ozzy Osbourne laying his bed and just waking up.
"My bloody head hurts", he muttered. " I knew I shouldn't have had that fourth helping of Sharon's meatloaf"
Ozzy stirred around for a bit and tried to clear the cobwebs from his head.
"And what a dream that was?", he sighed. "All those musicians! The greatest show on earth, bar none!"
Ozzy sat up in his bed.
"But it doesn't have to be a dream", he said to himself. "Maybe we can make it happen."
Ozzy sat there for a few minutes. And then he muttered again to himself. "Why not?"
Taking a deep breath, Ozzy yelled across the house...
"Sharon"...
THE END (?)
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