Tossing Salt Is American Idol
May 11, 2011
It's the Final Four on American Idol. It's a double dose one more time as each Idolette will perform two songs. The first will be one that "inspires" them and in the second half of the show, the fantastic foursome perform the songs from the music catalogue of Jerry Leiber & Mike Stoller. Lady Gaga is in the house and doing the mentoring thing, along with Jimmy Iovine. The judges are Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson and Jennifer Lopez. And Ryan Seacrest as The Beaver. I'm Doug and I'm ready to get my Idol on. It's James, Lauren, Haley and Scottie. Let's do this...
James Durbin opens the show with a rocking rendition of "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. I did not know that Randy was a part of that band until tonight and it was cool the way James called him out in the beginning of the song. Some tough notes in this song, but James was feeling it and looked really comfortable on that stage and he aced it. Steven called it an indication of what is yet to come with James. J-Lo thought it was amazing and Randy just loved the whole performance and how James paid homage to the band with the t-shirt, the coat-tails and the great performance. A great way to start the show.
Next up came Haley who sung Michael Jackson's "Earth Song". It was okay to me, but not especially memorable or exciting. She got better as the song went along and has a wonderful voice, but I'm not sure if this song was the right one to be singing. Randy and Jennifer make note of the song choice and are a bit on the critical side talking about her performance and the notes that she didn't go for. Steven said that both Jennifer and Randy were wrong and he loved her performance.
Here comes Scotty, who chose for his inspirational song, "Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning" by Alan Jackson. What can I say, but the dude aced it. It was a touching and well done version of a truly inspirational song, and seemed kind of appropiate given that it was less than two weeks ago that the Navy Seals finally got Bin Laden. J-Lo said that Scotty showed that he was someone who was meant to this. Randy said that Scotty is ready for super-stardom. And Steven just said it was beautiful.
Look! There's Paul and Casey. We miss you guys!!
And finally, we got Lauren doing her cover of Martina McBride's "Do It Anyway". It's a beautiful song with a great message and Lauren did a great job with it. It seemed to me that she was reaching for a few of the notes towards the middle, but she kept it together and did a great job. Jennifer said that Lauren did exactly what she needed to do and it was very good. Steven said that Lauren did it again and broke his heart. And Randy topped it off by saying that he had been worried about Lauren last week, but this week, she proved that she was in it to win it and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that song.
And now it's time for Round 2, with some mentoring by Lady Gaga as the Four Horsemen of the Idolocoplypse do songs from the music catalogues of Leiber and Stoller.
Haley opens this part of the show with a great version of "I (Who Have Nothing)". She really turns up the energy and puts out a great effort and puts that voice in the spotlight with a great performance. GaGa told her to put a little more emphasis on the drama in her performance and Haley listened as she really showed more life and energy up there on that stage. J-Lo called it the best performance of the year, while Randy calls it "Haley's Moment!". Steven calls it a classic moment with classic Haley and beautiful.
Scotty is out next to do the song "Youngblood", as made famous by the Coasters. GaGa made him a bit nervous, it seems when instructing him how to better hold his mic during a performance. But he listened and it really helped. Scotty sounded great. He had some amazing and hilarious facial expressions. He was just having a good time up there and did a great job. J-Lo said that Scotty was great and is really hitting his stride, but she wants to see another side of him next week. Randy talked about how we've seen both sides of a Scotty concert tonight and he's truly a seasoned performer. And Steven talked about how Scotty made GaGa go LaLa about his YaYa. Steven loved the humor.
Lauren comes out to do the song "Trouble", as made famous by Elvis Presely, among others. I seem to remember this song from a commerical on TV in the late 70's / early 80's. She's all dressed up and sings her heart out. It was okay, but not really great in my eyes. I had the feeling I was watching "High School Musical" when she was singing and that's probably not a good thing. J-LO said that she was showing maturity and it was really good. Randy said it was nice work and Steven said well done.
And to close the night out, we get James Durbin back once more to do "Love Potion Number 9". And what can I say? He rocked it and did an awesome job. GaGa talked about how James should move the hips and be sexy when performing and he learned his lessons well with a riveting performance. J-Lo said that this proved that James can do anything and is really great. Randy said that James has a moment every single week. And Steven closed by calling James' performance an "incredible, beautiful thing".
And that was the show. Some great performances by some very talented and amazing young people. So let's get to what everyone is wondering. Who will be the bottom three and who is going home?
The Bottom Three is easy, especially with only four people left. James is the front-runner in my eyes, so the others will round out the bottom. But as to who goes home, here is where it gets more complicated.
I think Scotty is safe. Both performances were solid and well done and he's got such a following, I can't picture him leaving yet. So it comes down to the two ladies, Haley and Lauren. Lauren did great with her first song and so-so with her second. Haley bombed on the first song, but tore the house down with her second performance. I personally feel that Haley was the better performer of the two tonight and has more range and dimensions to her than Lauren does. I might be wrong, but that's what my gut tells me. And I think that when push comes to shove, most of America will agree. Both are fantastic singers with amazing voices and tons of talent, but when the votes are counted, I think Lauren is going home.
So there you go. We'll find out tomorrow night as the Final Four gets narrowed down to the Final Three. My nerves are killing me in anticipation. I think Lauren is leaving. Am I right? Who knows? It's that close and these kids are that good.
I"m Doug and on that note, I'm out of here. See you tomorrow night. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Fifteen Books...
I was tagged over at Facebook (thanks Cheese) - and here is my response...
The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me.
Notes to Myself - Hugh Prather: a very special and wonderful friend introduced me to "Hugh Baby" a long, long time ago and since then, I've often turned to his books for insight, inspiration, and just a great way to relax and pass the day. This isn't my actual favorite of his books (I Touch The Earth - The Earth Touches Me holds that honor), but all of his books are extremely deep in their simplicity. Just awesome stuff. Thank you T...
Interview With A Vampire - Anne Rice: Who has not enjoyed the tales of Louis and Lestat and their associates? This wasn't my first "vampire story", but it was one of the first to really move me and sweep me into it's world. The movies based on these books, known as "The Vampire Chronicles" are good, but the books are so much better.
Barnabas, Quentin and The Vampire Beauty - Marilyn Ross: One of a long series of paperback books put out in the early seventies to cash in on the success of the show "Dark Shadows". There is no continuity and the stories were often cheesy, but even now, they're still entertaining. I own sixteen of the novels - I hope to one day own the entire collection. Just good, fun reads.
Outsiders - S.E. Hinton: We've all seen the movie, but I remember reading the book when I was fourteen. And the book is so much better. Actually haven't read this book in quite a while. Might be a good thing to look at later tonight.
"Flowers In The Attic" - V.C. Andews: The start of a great series of book that essentially always followed the same formula, but always kept me excited and intrigued, wondering what twists and turns would happen next. V.C. Andrews had so much talent and knew how to tell a story. It's a shame that the last few series of books, published after her death (using her name, but written by others "inspired" by Andrews) became so lame and monotonous. It's hurt her legacy to be sure. But the first books, this one and the ones that followed, that were actually written by Andrews herself, were and are great reads.
Hamilton Mythology: I can't remember for sure the lady's name who wrote this book, but I remember reading it back in Elementary school - and falling in love with the stories of Ancient Greece and greek mythology in general. It's a love that continues to this day - and this book started it for me.
"Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses? and Other Imponderables" - David Feldman: Why do dogs have wet noses? Why do fly swatters have holes? Why don't woodpeckers get headaches? The answers to all of these questions that we may have or may not have wondered about. One of my best friends gave me this book on my birthday waaaaayyy back in 1991 (thank you, T) and I've still got it - still read it - still love it!
"Standing Firm" - Dan Quayle: Dan Quayle was so unappreciated as the Vice President and even as a person - a walking punchline for all the comics. But the man was a two term Congressman, a two-term U.S. Senator and deserves much more credit and respect than most people seem willing to give. That's a shame.
This book gives a great look at the Bush/Quayle White House from 1988 - 1992 and should be a must read for every Quayle credit. It'll change a lot of mind and opinions. I don't agree with the man on many issues, but I have a great deal of respect for the man and this book, reading his side of things as they happened, makes me undestand why George Bush picked Quayle as his running mate. He was and is the real deal and this is a great book.
"Have A Nice Day: A Tale Of Blood and Sweatsocks" - Mick Foley: I've probably read a hundred or more wrestling autobiographies - some are very good (Bret Hart's book, Ole Anderson's book, Chris Jericho's book, Harley Race's book) and some kind of sucked - but none can compare to the one that really started it all - the incomparable Mick Foley. He was the man who brought wrestling autobiographies into the mainstream media and he's still the one who has done it the best...
Golf Monster: Alice Cooper: It's Alice Cooper talking about his career and playing golf - a mixture of great stories and help in over-coming addictions (or replacing them with more positive addictions). It's just a great book. It's Alice. 'Nuff said!
"No One Here Gets Out Alive" - Jerry Hopkins & Danny Sugarman: It's a great biography of the great Jim Morrison, lead singer of "The Doors". And it's a great book. I've read it several times and still enjoy reading it. Jim Morrison was a extremely fascinating person and this book really explores the man and the myth, the legacy.
I remember having to do a report back in high school about a historical person - I did it on Jim Morrison and used this book as my main reference source. A must read for any Doors fan or any rock fan.
"Cash" - Johnny Cash / "Waylon" - Waylon Jennings : Two books about two true legends of country music. I put them together because they're both awesome, were great friends of each others and their lives almost constantly intertwined for over forty years. I love autobiographies and I love me some Cash and love me some Waylon. They were the best and their legacies, like their music, will live forever. And both of these books - they are great reads of amazing stories by some amazing guys.
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams: The Life, Times and Legend of James Dean" - Paul Alexander: There are a ton of books and biographies out there on James Dean. This is one of the best with amazing stories, great pictures and an in-depth look at the Hollywood Icon that really allows you to feel as if you know and understand what Dean was all about and how his mind worked. A great book and a compelling, fascinating read.
The Bible: A guide for life... 'Nuff said!
The rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. List the first fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. Tag fifteen friends, including me.
Notes to Myself - Hugh Prather: a very special and wonderful friend introduced me to "Hugh Baby" a long, long time ago and since then, I've often turned to his books for insight, inspiration, and just a great way to relax and pass the day. This isn't my actual favorite of his books (I Touch The Earth - The Earth Touches Me holds that honor), but all of his books are extremely deep in their simplicity. Just awesome stuff. Thank you T...
Interview With A Vampire - Anne Rice: Who has not enjoyed the tales of Louis and Lestat and their associates? This wasn't my first "vampire story", but it was one of the first to really move me and sweep me into it's world. The movies based on these books, known as "The Vampire Chronicles" are good, but the books are so much better.
Barnabas, Quentin and The Vampire Beauty - Marilyn Ross: One of a long series of paperback books put out in the early seventies to cash in on the success of the show "Dark Shadows". There is no continuity and the stories were often cheesy, but even now, they're still entertaining. I own sixteen of the novels - I hope to one day own the entire collection. Just good, fun reads.
Outsiders - S.E. Hinton: We've all seen the movie, but I remember reading the book when I was fourteen. And the book is so much better. Actually haven't read this book in quite a while. Might be a good thing to look at later tonight.
"Flowers In The Attic" - V.C. Andews: The start of a great series of book that essentially always followed the same formula, but always kept me excited and intrigued, wondering what twists and turns would happen next. V.C. Andrews had so much talent and knew how to tell a story. It's a shame that the last few series of books, published after her death (using her name, but written by others "inspired" by Andrews) became so lame and monotonous. It's hurt her legacy to be sure. But the first books, this one and the ones that followed, that were actually written by Andrews herself, were and are great reads.
Hamilton Mythology: I can't remember for sure the lady's name who wrote this book, but I remember reading it back in Elementary school - and falling in love with the stories of Ancient Greece and greek mythology in general. It's a love that continues to this day - and this book started it for me.
"Why Do Dogs Have Wet Noses? and Other Imponderables" - David Feldman: Why do dogs have wet noses? Why do fly swatters have holes? Why don't woodpeckers get headaches? The answers to all of these questions that we may have or may not have wondered about. One of my best friends gave me this book on my birthday waaaaayyy back in 1991 (thank you, T) and I've still got it - still read it - still love it!
"Standing Firm" - Dan Quayle: Dan Quayle was so unappreciated as the Vice President and even as a person - a walking punchline for all the comics. But the man was a two term Congressman, a two-term U.S. Senator and deserves much more credit and respect than most people seem willing to give. That's a shame.
This book gives a great look at the Bush/Quayle White House from 1988 - 1992 and should be a must read for every Quayle credit. It'll change a lot of mind and opinions. I don't agree with the man on many issues, but I have a great deal of respect for the man and this book, reading his side of things as they happened, makes me undestand why George Bush picked Quayle as his running mate. He was and is the real deal and this is a great book.
"Have A Nice Day: A Tale Of Blood and Sweatsocks" - Mick Foley: I've probably read a hundred or more wrestling autobiographies - some are very good (Bret Hart's book, Ole Anderson's book, Chris Jericho's book, Harley Race's book) and some kind of sucked - but none can compare to the one that really started it all - the incomparable Mick Foley. He was the man who brought wrestling autobiographies into the mainstream media and he's still the one who has done it the best...
Golf Monster: Alice Cooper: It's Alice Cooper talking about his career and playing golf - a mixture of great stories and help in over-coming addictions (or replacing them with more positive addictions). It's just a great book. It's Alice. 'Nuff said!
"No One Here Gets Out Alive" - Jerry Hopkins & Danny Sugarman: It's a great biography of the great Jim Morrison, lead singer of "The Doors". And it's a great book. I've read it several times and still enjoy reading it. Jim Morrison was a extremely fascinating person and this book really explores the man and the myth, the legacy.
I remember having to do a report back in high school about a historical person - I did it on Jim Morrison and used this book as my main reference source. A must read for any Doors fan or any rock fan.
"Cash" - Johnny Cash / "Waylon" - Waylon Jennings : Two books about two true legends of country music. I put them together because they're both awesome, were great friends of each others and their lives almost constantly intertwined for over forty years. I love autobiographies and I love me some Cash and love me some Waylon. They were the best and their legacies, like their music, will live forever. And both of these books - they are great reads of amazing stories by some amazing guys.
"Boulevard of Broken Dreams: The Life, Times and Legend of James Dean" - Paul Alexander: There are a ton of books and biographies out there on James Dean. This is one of the best with amazing stories, great pictures and an in-depth look at the Hollywood Icon that really allows you to feel as if you know and understand what Dean was all about and how his mind worked. A great book and a compelling, fascinating read.
The Bible: A guide for life... 'Nuff said!
Vinnie Mac & The Donald
Billionaire Donald J. Trump is sitting in his office at the Trump Towers, looking over some paper-work when there is a buzz from his secretary.
"Yes Cindy, what is it?", Donald asked.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr. Trump", the secretary responded, "but there's a gentleman here to see you."
"Who is it?", Trump asked. "I don't have any appointments scheduled for today until 5:30 when I'm meeting Kathie Lee and Frank for dinner and a movie. I hope Kathie doesn't decide to sing again. I hate it when she sings."
"It's Vince McMahon, sir...", the secretary said.
"Vince?", Donald sighed. "He must need some more help with his show and the ratings. Tell him I'm in a meeting and I'll call him tomorrow."
Donald clicked off the speaker and listened carefully for Vince's response. It was only a matter of seconds before he heard Vince's voice getting louder outside his door.
"Who the hell does he think he is?", Vince was screaming. "I'm Vince McMahon, damn it! I am the WWE! I destroyed WCW! I destroyed ECW! And I am a damn billionaire! No one gives me the brush off and tells me that they'll call me tomorrow. Get Donald out here... NOW! Or else!"
"Or else what?", the secretary asked innocently with a sweet voice.
"Or else I'll put you in the ring with Kane! I'll crush you like a bug! Or else... YOU'RE FIRED!"
Donald Trump smiled as he heard that and decided it was time to intervene. He opened the door and stepped out of his office.
"Vince, she doesn't work for you. She works for me. You can't fire her. Only I can do that!", Donald smiled.
Vince turned around. His eyes were bulging and his face was red, the adams apple bobbing up and down...
"She tried to tell me to that you were in a meeting and to wait for you to call me back tomorrow", Vince scowled.
"She told you what I told her to tell you", Donald smiled. "Consider it payback for making me have to talk to Stephanie last time I came to Titan Towers in Stamford."
Vince chuckled at the memory.
"Yes, she sang to you and everything, if I recall correctly", he laughed.
"She did and it was horrible", Trump sighed, shivering at the memory.
"Well, now that we've gotten the fun and games out of the way, I'd like to speak to you", Vince told The Donald.
"Do I have a choice?", Donald asked with a long sigh. "Come into my office."
Vince and Donald went into the office and each took a seat.
"So what do you want, Vince?", Donald asked as they sat down. "If it's a contribution for one of your charities, I'll just tell Cindy to give you a check. Which one is it? Make-A-Wish? Wounded Warrior? The new anti-bullying campaign?"
"No", Vince said. "It's not that, although if you'd like to make a contribution to any or all of those charities, it would be greatly welcome."
"If not that, then what, Vince? Is Linda running for the Senate again? If so, you can count on my support, provided she does one thing."
"What's that?", Vince asked wearily.
"Make sure she shows her birth certificate first", Donald smiled.
"No Donald, that's not it", Vince said. "I'm here to make an offer and to help you!"
"Help me?", Donald asked. "What kind of offer? What are you talking about, Vince?"
"Well, as we both know, you're considering running for President of the United States", Vince started.
"I have not decided for sure yet", Donald said quickly. "But it is in consideration. And no, I don't want you running with me as my vice-presidential candidiate."
"No, that's not... ", Vince started to say, but then caught himself. "Why not? Putting Vince McMahon on the ticket would be a one way ticket to the White House. Think about it. Vince and The Donald!"
"The Donald and Vince", Trump quickly interjected.
"Yeah, whatever", Vince said. "But two successful, charming, businessmen like you and I, as a team. People love us!"
"People love me", Donald said. "At least the ones that matter. No one loves you!"
"That's not true", Vince said. "My family loves me. My wife, Linda. My daughter, Stephanie. My son..."
"Shane", Donald said for him.
"No... Hunter", Vince said. "Shane is still kind of mad at me for making him work as Steph's assistant".
"So it's not about the Vice President's job and it's not about charity", Donald said to Vince. "So what exactly do you want, Vince?"
"It's about your TV show", Vince said.
"The Apprentice", Donald asked. "What about it? You don't mean that you want to come on the show and work for me, do you?"
"No... not exactly", Vince said. "Me working for you would make for some great TV though."
"Yes, it would", Donald said. "What about the Apprentice?"
"Well, if you do decide to run for the Presidency, you'll have to give up the show, right?", Vince said.
"Most likely", Donald said.
"And that would be a shame, especially after eleven years", Vince said.
"It would", Donald agreed, "but if I run for President, I won't have time for the show anymore. Sacrifices would have to be made for the better of our country."
"What if I told you that the show could continue and keep going, even if you ran for and became President", Vince said.
"What are you smoking, Vince?", Donald asked. "I couldn't do both jobs at once."
"No, but how about this", Vince smiled. "The Celebrity Apprentice... starring Vincent Kennedy McMahon."
"You want to take over my show, Vince?", Donald said. "What about the WWE? What about WWE Pictures and your dreams for your own network?"
"My company is set up with the right people in positions of power that I could make the time to do more. And who better to look America in the eye, raise money for charity and getting to fire people on national television than me, Vince McMahon?"
"It wouldn't work, Vince", Donald said. "You're ovebearing, obnoxious, loud, agressive, pompous and you have bad hair. Who would want to watch someone like that on their television?"
"Donald, you just described yourself", Vince said.
"Right", Donald said. "And there is only room for one of me on network televison."
"What's the matter, Donald? Afraid of a little competition?", Vince smiled.
"Not at all", Donald smiled back. "I'm just saying that IF... and that's a mighty big IF, I do decide to run for President, then the Celebrity Apprentice show ends. End of discussion. "
"Is that your final answer?", Vince asked.
"It is", Donald said. "There can be no Apprentice without Donald Trump... just as there can be no WWE without Vince McMahon."
"Then I guess you don't want to see this?", Vince said, holding up a DVD disc.
"What is that, Vince?", Donald asked.
"Well, since you've already decided that there is no chance in hell of Vince McMahon taking over your spot on Celebrity Apprentice, if you should happen to decide to run for President... and taking it to more ratings success and new heights never before dreamed of because of me, Vince McMahon... then this is just a waste of both of our times."
"What's on the disc, Vince?", Donald asked.
"I had my people get in touch with a few celebrities and we put together a sample episode of what Celebrity Apprentice, starring Vince McMahon would be like in the first season."
"You had your people do a pilot episode of my show?", Donald asked with an amused look on his face.
"Well, my version of your show", Vince said. "And all of the celebrities who appeared in the pilot would also be in the first season, should Celebrity Apprentice starring Vince McMahon ever some to pass."
"Put on the DVD, Vince", Donald said. "This, I have to see!"
Vince slipped the disc into the DVD player and hit the play button. A video started to play. We see Vincent K. McMahon power-walking, as only Vince can do. And we see brief clips of different celebritities, who had agreed to work with Vince start popping up. Academy Award winning actress and singer Jennifer Hudson. Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. Lemmy, from the band Motorhead. TV Personality Mary Hart. TV Icon Florence Henderson. "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash. Kevin "K-Fed" Federline. MIss USA Rima Fakih. Game Show Host and Icon Bob Barker. Baseball legend Pete Rose. Former WWE Diva and actress, Rena "Sable" Mero, Pee Wee Herman, and actor David Arquette. And we close with an image of Vince McMahon looking directly into the camera and sneering, "YOU'RE FIRED!"
Vince looked at Donald as the video ended. Donald looked back at Vince.
"Really, Vince? I mean, really?", Donald smiled. "I mean, you have an interesting mix of people there, but no really big names."
"I have Jennifer Hudson and she's an Academy Award winner", Vince said.
"Who's married to one of your wrestlers", Donald remarked. "Still, it is an interesting idea. I like the group dynamics! How did you manage to get Lemmy?"
"He's friends with my son-in-law, Triple H", Vince noted.
"I'll tell you what, Vince. I'll think about it!", Donald said. "And if I do choose to run for President of the United States and we need a new person to take over Apprentice, I'll recommend you to the NBC people."
"Strongly recommend me, you mean", Vince said.
"But of course", Donald said. "Now, I've got work to do. Go back to Stamford and run the WWE. Fire someone or something like that."
"Very well, Donald", Vince said. "I'll be in touch."
Vince got up and headed towards the door.
"By the way", Vince said. "About those charitable donations you mentioned earlier...?"
"Cindy is already waiting with checks", Donald said.
"Excellent", Vince said. "But before I leave, I want to hear you say it one time."
"Say what?", Donald asked.
"You know", Vince laughed. "Those two words that both you and I are so famous for."
"Do I have to?", Donald sighed.
"Come on", Vince laughed.
"Vince... You're Fired!", Trump said.
"I still do it better", Vince laughed. "I'll call you."
"Give Linda my love", Donald said as Vince left the room.
After giving Vince time to leave, Donald Trump went back to his desk, hitting the speaker to buzz his secretary.
"Yes, Mr. Trump?", the secretary answered.
"Get me the President of NBC on the phone. I want to talk about renewal options for Apprentice."
"Right away, Mr. Trump". Cindy replied.
Donald sat back in his chair and sighed.
"Now that I know Vince wants my job, I'll be there forever. No one can replace 'The Donald'."
THE END....????
"Yes Cindy, what is it?", Donald asked.
"I'm sorry to disturb you, Mr. Trump", the secretary responded, "but there's a gentleman here to see you."
"Who is it?", Trump asked. "I don't have any appointments scheduled for today until 5:30 when I'm meeting Kathie Lee and Frank for dinner and a movie. I hope Kathie doesn't decide to sing again. I hate it when she sings."
"It's Vince McMahon, sir...", the secretary said.
"Vince?", Donald sighed. "He must need some more help with his show and the ratings. Tell him I'm in a meeting and I'll call him tomorrow."
Donald clicked off the speaker and listened carefully for Vince's response. It was only a matter of seconds before he heard Vince's voice getting louder outside his door.
"Who the hell does he think he is?", Vince was screaming. "I'm Vince McMahon, damn it! I am the WWE! I destroyed WCW! I destroyed ECW! And I am a damn billionaire! No one gives me the brush off and tells me that they'll call me tomorrow. Get Donald out here... NOW! Or else!"
"Or else what?", the secretary asked innocently with a sweet voice.
"Or else I'll put you in the ring with Kane! I'll crush you like a bug! Or else... YOU'RE FIRED!"
Donald Trump smiled as he heard that and decided it was time to intervene. He opened the door and stepped out of his office.
"Vince, she doesn't work for you. She works for me. You can't fire her. Only I can do that!", Donald smiled.
Vince turned around. His eyes were bulging and his face was red, the adams apple bobbing up and down...
"She tried to tell me to that you were in a meeting and to wait for you to call me back tomorrow", Vince scowled.
"She told you what I told her to tell you", Donald smiled. "Consider it payback for making me have to talk to Stephanie last time I came to Titan Towers in Stamford."
Vince chuckled at the memory.
"Yes, she sang to you and everything, if I recall correctly", he laughed.
"She did and it was horrible", Trump sighed, shivering at the memory.
"Well, now that we've gotten the fun and games out of the way, I'd like to speak to you", Vince told The Donald.
"Do I have a choice?", Donald asked with a long sigh. "Come into my office."
Vince and Donald went into the office and each took a seat.
"So what do you want, Vince?", Donald asked as they sat down. "If it's a contribution for one of your charities, I'll just tell Cindy to give you a check. Which one is it? Make-A-Wish? Wounded Warrior? The new anti-bullying campaign?"
"No", Vince said. "It's not that, although if you'd like to make a contribution to any or all of those charities, it would be greatly welcome."
"If not that, then what, Vince? Is Linda running for the Senate again? If so, you can count on my support, provided she does one thing."
"What's that?", Vince asked wearily.
"Make sure she shows her birth certificate first", Donald smiled.
"No Donald, that's not it", Vince said. "I'm here to make an offer and to help you!"
"Help me?", Donald asked. "What kind of offer? What are you talking about, Vince?"
"Well, as we both know, you're considering running for President of the United States", Vince started.
"I have not decided for sure yet", Donald said quickly. "But it is in consideration. And no, I don't want you running with me as my vice-presidential candidiate."
"No, that's not... ", Vince started to say, but then caught himself. "Why not? Putting Vince McMahon on the ticket would be a one way ticket to the White House. Think about it. Vince and The Donald!"
"The Donald and Vince", Trump quickly interjected.
"Yeah, whatever", Vince said. "But two successful, charming, businessmen like you and I, as a team. People love us!"
"People love me", Donald said. "At least the ones that matter. No one loves you!"
"That's not true", Vince said. "My family loves me. My wife, Linda. My daughter, Stephanie. My son..."
"Shane", Donald said for him.
"No... Hunter", Vince said. "Shane is still kind of mad at me for making him work as Steph's assistant".
"So it's not about the Vice President's job and it's not about charity", Donald said to Vince. "So what exactly do you want, Vince?"
"It's about your TV show", Vince said.
"The Apprentice", Donald asked. "What about it? You don't mean that you want to come on the show and work for me, do you?"
"No... not exactly", Vince said. "Me working for you would make for some great TV though."
"Yes, it would", Donald said. "What about the Apprentice?"
"Well, if you do decide to run for the Presidency, you'll have to give up the show, right?", Vince said.
"Most likely", Donald said.
"And that would be a shame, especially after eleven years", Vince said.
"It would", Donald agreed, "but if I run for President, I won't have time for the show anymore. Sacrifices would have to be made for the better of our country."
"What if I told you that the show could continue and keep going, even if you ran for and became President", Vince said.
"What are you smoking, Vince?", Donald asked. "I couldn't do both jobs at once."
"No, but how about this", Vince smiled. "The Celebrity Apprentice... starring Vincent Kennedy McMahon."
"You want to take over my show, Vince?", Donald said. "What about the WWE? What about WWE Pictures and your dreams for your own network?"
"My company is set up with the right people in positions of power that I could make the time to do more. And who better to look America in the eye, raise money for charity and getting to fire people on national television than me, Vince McMahon?"
"It wouldn't work, Vince", Donald said. "You're ovebearing, obnoxious, loud, agressive, pompous and you have bad hair. Who would want to watch someone like that on their television?"
"Donald, you just described yourself", Vince said.
"Right", Donald said. "And there is only room for one of me on network televison."
"What's the matter, Donald? Afraid of a little competition?", Vince smiled.
"Not at all", Donald smiled back. "I'm just saying that IF... and that's a mighty big IF, I do decide to run for President, then the Celebrity Apprentice show ends. End of discussion. "
"Is that your final answer?", Vince asked.
"It is", Donald said. "There can be no Apprentice without Donald Trump... just as there can be no WWE without Vince McMahon."
"Then I guess you don't want to see this?", Vince said, holding up a DVD disc.
"What is that, Vince?", Donald asked.
"Well, since you've already decided that there is no chance in hell of Vince McMahon taking over your spot on Celebrity Apprentice, if you should happen to decide to run for President... and taking it to more ratings success and new heights never before dreamed of because of me, Vince McMahon... then this is just a waste of both of our times."
"What's on the disc, Vince?", Donald asked.
"I had my people get in touch with a few celebrities and we put together a sample episode of what Celebrity Apprentice, starring Vince McMahon would be like in the first season."
"You had your people do a pilot episode of my show?", Donald asked with an amused look on his face.
"Well, my version of your show", Vince said. "And all of the celebrities who appeared in the pilot would also be in the first season, should Celebrity Apprentice starring Vince McMahon ever some to pass."
"Put on the DVD, Vince", Donald said. "This, I have to see!"
Vince slipped the disc into the DVD player and hit the play button. A video started to play. We see Vincent K. McMahon power-walking, as only Vince can do. And we see brief clips of different celebritities, who had agreed to work with Vince start popping up. Academy Award winning actress and singer Jennifer Hudson. Jackass star Johnny Knoxville. Lemmy, from the band Motorhead. TV Personality Mary Hart. TV Icon Florence Henderson. "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash. Kevin "K-Fed" Federline. MIss USA Rima Fakih. Game Show Host and Icon Bob Barker. Baseball legend Pete Rose. Former WWE Diva and actress, Rena "Sable" Mero, Pee Wee Herman, and actor David Arquette. And we close with an image of Vince McMahon looking directly into the camera and sneering, "YOU'RE FIRED!"
Vince looked at Donald as the video ended. Donald looked back at Vince.
"Really, Vince? I mean, really?", Donald smiled. "I mean, you have an interesting mix of people there, but no really big names."
"I have Jennifer Hudson and she's an Academy Award winner", Vince said.
"Who's married to one of your wrestlers", Donald remarked. "Still, it is an interesting idea. I like the group dynamics! How did you manage to get Lemmy?"
"He's friends with my son-in-law, Triple H", Vince noted.
"I'll tell you what, Vince. I'll think about it!", Donald said. "And if I do choose to run for President of the United States and we need a new person to take over Apprentice, I'll recommend you to the NBC people."
"Strongly recommend me, you mean", Vince said.
"But of course", Donald said. "Now, I've got work to do. Go back to Stamford and run the WWE. Fire someone or something like that."
"Very well, Donald", Vince said. "I'll be in touch."
Vince got up and headed towards the door.
"By the way", Vince said. "About those charitable donations you mentioned earlier...?"
"Cindy is already waiting with checks", Donald said.
"Excellent", Vince said. "But before I leave, I want to hear you say it one time."
"Say what?", Donald asked.
"You know", Vince laughed. "Those two words that both you and I are so famous for."
"Do I have to?", Donald sighed.
"Come on", Vince laughed.
"Vince... You're Fired!", Trump said.
"I still do it better", Vince laughed. "I'll call you."
"Give Linda my love", Donald said as Vince left the room.
After giving Vince time to leave, Donald Trump went back to his desk, hitting the speaker to buzz his secretary.
"Yes, Mr. Trump?", the secretary answered.
"Get me the President of NBC on the phone. I want to talk about renewal options for Apprentice."
"Right away, Mr. Trump". Cindy replied.
Donald sat back in his chair and sighed.
"Now that I know Vince wants my job, I'll be there forever. No one can replace 'The Donald'."
THE END....????
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tossing Salt Is American Idol - May 5, 2011 - Results Show
Tossing Salt Is American Idol
The Results Show - Five Becomes Four
May 5, 2011
Doug Maynard
Well, it's time to find out what happens and who is going home as the elite final five American Idol contestants for this season get cut down to a fantastic foursome. Just a few weeks left to go. We had over sixty million votes last night and it's going to be very, very close. Let's get right to it.
We start off with the Fab Five doing a slightly corny, but still entertaining group rendition of "So Happy Together", by The Turtles, I believe. The girls seem to be slightly drowning out the guys in the group parts, but it's all good. They're having fun and sound great and it's a fun way to start the show.
Next up is the Ford Music Video as the Idol Five show off magical skills and acting skills to the sounds of "Just Be Yourself".
And then it's off to Hell's Kitchen where the Idol gang is instructed to make an omlet. We learn that Lauren and Jacob know their way around a kitchen, while Scotty, Haley and James show that they should stick to eating instead of cooking. Lauren's omlet is considered the best of the final two.
Lady Antebellum is up next and do a great performance of their song "Just A Kiss". It's a good song. It's not "Need You Now", but I still liked it.
And then we see a video clip where the Idolettes talk about the process of making decisions, be it song choices, wardrobes, and so many other factors. I love Scotty's way to decide upon what song to sing...lol.
And now, Ryan starts to build the tensions and pressure as he has the lights dimmed. He calls out James first and we hear from Jimmy Iovine, who calls James' performances from last night "really great", but says that James "must control his emotions" and that he was only an "8" last night, as compared to his usual "9" or "10" performances. Ryan sends James over to the far end of the stage.
And he calls out Lauren. Jimmy Iovine chimes in and says that Lauren did great, but pulled back on the high note in Unchained Melody and will probably be in the Bottom 3. He also commented on that she needs to work on her fears and not let them overcome her performances. Ryan sends Lauren to the other side of the stage to stand and wait.
And then we get Jennifer Lopez with a live performance of her song, "On The Floor". I'll give J-Lo credit in that she's a great entertainer and really works that stage hard. And she has some extremely sexy and hot back-up singers. Yum! The song is okay. It sounds kind of generic and blah to me, but admittingly, I'm not a big fan of J-Lo's style of music anyhow. The song was okay, but J-Lo definitely knows how to work that stage and put on a great performance.
We go back to the Hell's Kitchen and since Jacob and Lauren were the top 2 cooks earlier, they get to compete in a blind taste test. First up, they're fed beef, which Jacob easily recognizes. I keep expecting to see a Clara Beller look-a-like come in and scream out "Where's The Beef" right now. Up next is Tofu, which both do not like at all. Jacob compares it to lard, but Lauren gets the points for correctly identifying it, even as she spit it out. And finally, it was a hot dog that Lauren correctly identified (and Jacob called a sausage) that gave Lauren the win over Jacob two to one. Lauren wins the American Idol Blind Taste Test.
We come back and get a sneak peek of J-Lo's upcoming new video, "I'm Into You". It's hot and sexy. J-Lo has another hit on her hands.
And then Ryan says to dim the lights once more. It's elimination time.
Ryan calls over Jacob. We see the comments from Jimmy Iovine who says that Jacob had a rough night and both songs were a little bit off. Ryan sends Jacob over to stand next to Lauren.
Haley is next. Jimmy Iovine takes a bit of offense at J-Lo's comments from last night that doing an unreleased track was a good idea. He felt that Haley needed to take a big risk and he's proud how she stood her ground from criticism. Jimmy says that Haley gets a "10" for her cover of "The House of The Rising Sun" and won the night. Ryan sends Haley over to stand next to James.
And then it's Scotty's turn. Jimmy remarked that Scotty had an incredible, stellar performance and is just a great natural talent. Ryan tells Scotty that he is SAFE! And then, just to put the Garner, NC native on the spot, Ryan tells Scotty that he should go stand with the two that he feels are also safe. Scotty doesn't want to do this, but eventually moves over next to James and Haley.
And Ryan says that Scotty is right. James and Haley are safe. James falls to his knees in relief. So the Bottom Two are Jacob and Lauren. Ryan brings the two close to him and announces, that after sixty million votes being cast, Lauren is safe and Jacob Lusk is going home.
YES! I predicted it right. Major kudos to me!
Jacob isn't happy, but he puts on a smile and is thankful for the opportunities and having made it that far. Jacob gets the mic and sings the song "A House Is Not A Home", by Luther Vandross, to close the show. And there you go..
America FINALLY got it right. In my opinion, Jacob should have been eliminated many weeks ago. He's got a great voice, but he's one dimensional and a one-trick pony. Maybe he'll one day find his true niche, as the judges talked about last night, and go on to major success. I hope he does. But compared to the others in this elite grouping, he was definitely the odd man out and it was his time to go.
And that's the show. Jacob is gone. That leaves four. Who is next? We'll find out next week. It's getting tighter and tighter and the pressure on these kids has got to be phenomenal. And the songs are getting harder and harder. These final few weeks are going to be amazing.
On that, I'm out of here. Idol was great. The right person got sent home this week. And dat' is all de' people need to know. I'm Doug and I am out of here. Ubuntu!
The Results Show - Five Becomes Four
May 5, 2011
Doug Maynard
Well, it's time to find out what happens and who is going home as the elite final five American Idol contestants for this season get cut down to a fantastic foursome. Just a few weeks left to go. We had over sixty million votes last night and it's going to be very, very close. Let's get right to it.
We start off with the Fab Five doing a slightly corny, but still entertaining group rendition of "So Happy Together", by The Turtles, I believe. The girls seem to be slightly drowning out the guys in the group parts, but it's all good. They're having fun and sound great and it's a fun way to start the show.
Next up is the Ford Music Video as the Idol Five show off magical skills and acting skills to the sounds of "Just Be Yourself".
And then it's off to Hell's Kitchen where the Idol gang is instructed to make an omlet. We learn that Lauren and Jacob know their way around a kitchen, while Scotty, Haley and James show that they should stick to eating instead of cooking. Lauren's omlet is considered the best of the final two.
Lady Antebellum is up next and do a great performance of their song "Just A Kiss". It's a good song. It's not "Need You Now", but I still liked it.
And then we see a video clip where the Idolettes talk about the process of making decisions, be it song choices, wardrobes, and so many other factors. I love Scotty's way to decide upon what song to sing...lol.
And now, Ryan starts to build the tensions and pressure as he has the lights dimmed. He calls out James first and we hear from Jimmy Iovine, who calls James' performances from last night "really great", but says that James "must control his emotions" and that he was only an "8" last night, as compared to his usual "9" or "10" performances. Ryan sends James over to the far end of the stage.
And he calls out Lauren. Jimmy Iovine chimes in and says that Lauren did great, but pulled back on the high note in Unchained Melody and will probably be in the Bottom 3. He also commented on that she needs to work on her fears and not let them overcome her performances. Ryan sends Lauren to the other side of the stage to stand and wait.
And then we get Jennifer Lopez with a live performance of her song, "On The Floor". I'll give J-Lo credit in that she's a great entertainer and really works that stage hard. And she has some extremely sexy and hot back-up singers. Yum! The song is okay. It sounds kind of generic and blah to me, but admittingly, I'm not a big fan of J-Lo's style of music anyhow. The song was okay, but J-Lo definitely knows how to work that stage and put on a great performance.
We go back to the Hell's Kitchen and since Jacob and Lauren were the top 2 cooks earlier, they get to compete in a blind taste test. First up, they're fed beef, which Jacob easily recognizes. I keep expecting to see a Clara Beller look-a-like come in and scream out "Where's The Beef" right now. Up next is Tofu, which both do not like at all. Jacob compares it to lard, but Lauren gets the points for correctly identifying it, even as she spit it out. And finally, it was a hot dog that Lauren correctly identified (and Jacob called a sausage) that gave Lauren the win over Jacob two to one. Lauren wins the American Idol Blind Taste Test.
We come back and get a sneak peek of J-Lo's upcoming new video, "I'm Into You". It's hot and sexy. J-Lo has another hit on her hands.
And then Ryan says to dim the lights once more. It's elimination time.
Ryan calls over Jacob. We see the comments from Jimmy Iovine who says that Jacob had a rough night and both songs were a little bit off. Ryan sends Jacob over to stand next to Lauren.
Haley is next. Jimmy Iovine takes a bit of offense at J-Lo's comments from last night that doing an unreleased track was a good idea. He felt that Haley needed to take a big risk and he's proud how she stood her ground from criticism. Jimmy says that Haley gets a "10" for her cover of "The House of The Rising Sun" and won the night. Ryan sends Haley over to stand next to James.
And then it's Scotty's turn. Jimmy remarked that Scotty had an incredible, stellar performance and is just a great natural talent. Ryan tells Scotty that he is SAFE! And then, just to put the Garner, NC native on the spot, Ryan tells Scotty that he should go stand with the two that he feels are also safe. Scotty doesn't want to do this, but eventually moves over next to James and Haley.
And Ryan says that Scotty is right. James and Haley are safe. James falls to his knees in relief. So the Bottom Two are Jacob and Lauren. Ryan brings the two close to him and announces, that after sixty million votes being cast, Lauren is safe and Jacob Lusk is going home.
YES! I predicted it right. Major kudos to me!
Jacob isn't happy, but he puts on a smile and is thankful for the opportunities and having made it that far. Jacob gets the mic and sings the song "A House Is Not A Home", by Luther Vandross, to close the show. And there you go..
America FINALLY got it right. In my opinion, Jacob should have been eliminated many weeks ago. He's got a great voice, but he's one dimensional and a one-trick pony. Maybe he'll one day find his true niche, as the judges talked about last night, and go on to major success. I hope he does. But compared to the others in this elite grouping, he was definitely the odd man out and it was his time to go.
And that's the show. Jacob is gone. That leaves four. Who is next? We'll find out next week. It's getting tighter and tighter and the pressure on these kids has got to be phenomenal. And the songs are getting harder and harder. These final few weeks are going to be amazing.
On that, I'm out of here. Idol was great. The right person got sent home this week. And dat' is all de' people need to know. I'm Doug and I am out of here. Ubuntu!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tossing Salt Is American Idol - May 4, 2011
Tossing Salt Is American Idol
May 4, 2011
Doug Maynard
Back again and the competition is just getting tighter and tighter on American Idol. There are five contestants remaining and after the results show tomorrow night, there will only be four. We are three weeks away from the Season Finale and the crowning of the 2011 American Idol. This should be one heck of a show. They're changing things up a little bit tonight. Each of the "Fab 5" will do two songs, as tonight's theme is "Now and Then". One will be a current hit while the other will be a classic from the sixties and seventies. So we're getting double our pleasure and double our fun. Why do I have the urge for a stick of gum right now?
Jimmy Iovine is still working with the contestants behind the scenes and this week, lending a hand, is the always beautiful and very talented Sheryl Crow. And as you already know, the Judges are Randy Jackson, Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler and the "Most Beautiful Woman In The World" (according to People Magazine), Jennifer Lopez. And Ryan Seacrest as the Beaver. Let's get right to the music because that's what really matters.
James Durbin starts off the show by doing a cover of "Closer To The Edge" by 30 Seconds To Mars. It wasn't, in my opinion, his best perfomance ever. He sounded a little flat in a few spots and really didn't seem, to me, to be able to get into the song. He got better as the song went along, but I just don't feel that this was really the best song choice or performance that James is capable of. Maybe because he's done so well so far with some outstanding performances where he's stolen the show, I look at him and expect more than I do from the others. Who knows?
The judges liked it though. Steven said that James "kicked the songs ass", while Jennifer and Randy both said that James "wants it" and is "in it to win it!". So obviously, they were impressed. Glad to see it because I do think that this competition belongs to James and is his to win or lose. But he'll have to do better than this particular song and performance to keep that spot at the top of the food chain.
Next up came Jacob Lusk, who decided to do the song "No Air", which was originally a duet by Jordon Sparks and Chris Brown. I had to laugh a bit during Jacob's comments when he said that he's trying to bring something different and new to every performance each week. Yeah, right. Thus far, he's been the most one-dimensional performer left on Idol. But he thinks that he's being different and new every week and I guess that's what matters. Surprisingly, I liked the performance and song. I can't stand to watch Jacob as he sings, but closing my eyes and listening, it wasn't half bad. He still over-exaggerated some of the high spots, but it was a decent performance.
So far as the judges go, Steven said it was a great job, but they're waiting to see Jacob find his niche. J-Lo liked it, but said that Jacob needs to find songs that represent who he is. Randy didn't think that this kind of song was right for Jacob and says that doing both parts of a duet song is kind of corny. So it wasn't a big favorite among the judges, but I didn't think it was half bad.
Lauren came up next to do "Flat On The Floor" by Carrie Underwood. It was very country and not surprisingly, she aced it. It was quick paced and fun and is the kind of song Lauren is made to sing. A great job.
The judges weighed in and Randy said that that's the direction she needs to go and called her amazing. J-Lo said that Lauren is showing everyone that "she wants it!" And Steven said that she was "as good as it gets" and that "the sky's the limit!". Overall, a very good showing by Lauren after a few rough weeks.
Scotty McCreery is the next to perform and he's doing a cover of the song "Gone" by Montgomery Gentry. Scotty turned in another great performance and really rocked it up there. He just looks so natural and comfortable up there on that stage. And the crowd, as you might expect, went totally nuts for the Garner, NC native.
Over at the judges table, the praise continued. Steven said that Scotty was "dancing with the devil and that's a good thing." J-Lo said that Scotty owned that stage and proved once again that he is American Idol material. And Randy remarked that it felt like he was sitting in the audience of a concert. Lots of love for the country crooner.
And finishing up the contemporary half of the show was Haley Reinhart who pulled a very bold and risky move by performing an unreleased track called "You And I" by Lady Gaga. It was funny to hear how she wouldn't do it until she had GaGa's blessing. In the beginning, her voice wasn't quite there with the song and it seemed a little off, but as the song went on, Haley seemed to relax a bit more and really get into it. No one knew about the song before the show tonight, but I promise you that there will be thousands of people looking it up on I-Tunes and YouTube now. All in all, Haley made a bold move and I think it turned out pretty well.
The judges though, did not agree. J-Lo loved the way she sounded, but didn't feel it was a great idea to do an unreleased song and wishes she had chosen a different song to cover. Randy called Haley a great singer, but said her choice of songs was risky. And Steven said she took the song and made it work. Steven says that Haley is just one perfect song away from being an American Idol.
And then it was time to go back in time and crank up some classics as part two of the show began and the Idol contestants sang their second songs of the evening. That was now and this is then...
James Durbin started things off once again and in the practice sessions with Jimmy and Sheryl, he was already very emotional as he talked about his family and the sacrifices he was being forced to make and how this song brought everything up to the forefront for him. And when he sang it, it wasn't a great vocal performance, but damn, could you feel the pure emotion just pouring out of James. It was incredible. His voice was flat in some spots and kind of quirky in others, but he gave it everything and even shed a few tears. It wasn't great vocally, but it was perfect in every other way.
The judges weighed in and J-Lo called him a "true artist" and amazing. Steven said the song was a little pitchy at times, but the emotion was beautiful. And Randy talked about how you could just feel the emotion pouring out of James and even though the song wasn't perfect, the competition is James' to lose. Well said, Mr. Jackson.
And now I cringe. Jacob Lusk is doing a cover of the Nazareth song, "Love Hurts", which has long been one of my absolute favorite songs. It's a beautiful song, but in my opinion, this song needs a rougher, more manly voice to hit the notes and make it work. I'd love to hear Steven Tyler cover it. Or James, for that matter. But I listened to Jacob and well, it didn't suck too badly, but it just wasn't right. There are some songs that when you polish them up too much, you take away the splendor and magic. Jacob has a good voice and hit some amazing notes, but killed the song for me. Jacob is not a rock singer and Nazareth was the master of the power ballads. Jacob has power in his voice, but him singing that particular song is like trying to power up an eighteen wheeler with a 9-volt battery. It just isn't happening.
And of course, the judges did not agree. Randy talked about how Jacob redeemed himself and hit probably the highest note ever sung on an Idol stage. Jennifer remarked how there was a rough spot in the middle, but Jacob brought out the tricks at the end and took the song to another place. I agree with that comment, but I don't think that J-Lo and I are talking about the same place. And Steven said that Jacob had "great delivery". So do my friends at Domino's, but they shouldn't sing that song either. Just saying.
Lauren was the next up and she did her version of "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers. Lauren has an amazing voice and although it kind of wavered a bit here and there, she did a fairly good job. She kind of chickened out on the highest parts of the song, choosing to kind of drop off with her notes instead of reaching for the stars, but it still sounded pretty decent.
And the judges agreed. Randy said that Lauren can sing like a bird and it was nicely done. And both Jennifer and Steven called the song "beautiful".
Scotty was back next and his song was a cover of "Always On My Mind" by Elvis Presley. OK, I'm going to complain a minute here. I wasn't even aware that Elvis recorded this song. The man who I, and probably 99% of music fans identify with this song is the man who wrote it, and topped both the country and pop charts with this song and that's Willie Nelson. I'm as big an Elvis fan as anyone, but give credit where it's due. This is and will always be Willie Nelson's song. Period!
As far as Scotty's performance of WILLIE's song went, he aced it. There were a couple of spots where his voice seemed to falter off a little bit, but it didn't distract from the performance and Scotty did a really good job. The judges chimed in with Jennifer saying that Scotty showed just how well-rounded he truly is and can mix it up. He's an amazing and true performer. Steven loved it and said it was a beautiful rendition of that song. And Randy closed by saying that Scotty is the "youngest veteran" in how he acts and behaves on stage because he's so comfortable and natural and that if it's not broke, don't fix it.
And finally, for the last performance of the evening, we get Haley doing a cover of "The House Of The Rising Sun" by The Animals. I love this song and as they announced it, I'm cringing. But I'll give her credit. She did an amazing job and her voice really goes well with this song. It just got better and better as she went along and when it ended, and the audience and judges gave her a standing ovation, I was just sitting there wishing we could hear more. Just incredible.
And the judges agreed as Randy said that Haley had blossomed and just delivered the performance of the night. J-Lo said it was a great job and Steven talked about how he can relate to her performance and that tonight, she sold everyone with a fantastic job.
So there are the song and performance reviews. Now we move on to the fun part. Who will be in the Bottom Three on Thursday night. And more importantly, who will have their dream ended and their hopes shattered by being sent home?
It's a tough call this week because for the most part, the ones who did bad with one performance pretty much aced their other song so the pros and cons of each contestant's night are pretty much coming out equal. I guess I'll just go with my gut here.
The Bottom Three tomorrow night, in my opinion, will be Jacob, Haley and Scotty.
I'm picking these three because Jacob ruined a great Nazareth song and wasn't all that on the first song either. Haley blew them away with her closing song, but the Lady GaGa song, which I liked, might be too unfamiliar for a lot of voters, and Scotty because he may have PO'ed some Willie Nelson fans by not giving Willie the proper credit for his song (and Willie fans are extremely loyal. My Mom is one, so I know from experience.) Scotty sang great, but will that be enough?
As for the biggest question, and once more, this is just my opinion, I think that Jacob Lusk will be going home.
And there you go.
That's it for me. I hope you liked the recap. Questions and comments are welcome and appreciated. And I'll catch you later on the flip side. I'm Doug and I am out of here.
Ubuntu!
May 4, 2011
Doug Maynard
Back again and the competition is just getting tighter and tighter on American Idol. There are five contestants remaining and after the results show tomorrow night, there will only be four. We are three weeks away from the Season Finale and the crowning of the 2011 American Idol. This should be one heck of a show. They're changing things up a little bit tonight. Each of the "Fab 5" will do two songs, as tonight's theme is "Now and Then". One will be a current hit while the other will be a classic from the sixties and seventies. So we're getting double our pleasure and double our fun. Why do I have the urge for a stick of gum right now?
Jimmy Iovine is still working with the contestants behind the scenes and this week, lending a hand, is the always beautiful and very talented Sheryl Crow. And as you already know, the Judges are Randy Jackson, Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler and the "Most Beautiful Woman In The World" (according to People Magazine), Jennifer Lopez. And Ryan Seacrest as the Beaver. Let's get right to the music because that's what really matters.
James Durbin starts off the show by doing a cover of "Closer To The Edge" by 30 Seconds To Mars. It wasn't, in my opinion, his best perfomance ever. He sounded a little flat in a few spots and really didn't seem, to me, to be able to get into the song. He got better as the song went along, but I just don't feel that this was really the best song choice or performance that James is capable of. Maybe because he's done so well so far with some outstanding performances where he's stolen the show, I look at him and expect more than I do from the others. Who knows?
The judges liked it though. Steven said that James "kicked the songs ass", while Jennifer and Randy both said that James "wants it" and is "in it to win it!". So obviously, they were impressed. Glad to see it because I do think that this competition belongs to James and is his to win or lose. But he'll have to do better than this particular song and performance to keep that spot at the top of the food chain.
Next up came Jacob Lusk, who decided to do the song "No Air", which was originally a duet by Jordon Sparks and Chris Brown. I had to laugh a bit during Jacob's comments when he said that he's trying to bring something different and new to every performance each week. Yeah, right. Thus far, he's been the most one-dimensional performer left on Idol. But he thinks that he's being different and new every week and I guess that's what matters. Surprisingly, I liked the performance and song. I can't stand to watch Jacob as he sings, but closing my eyes and listening, it wasn't half bad. He still over-exaggerated some of the high spots, but it was a decent performance.
So far as the judges go, Steven said it was a great job, but they're waiting to see Jacob find his niche. J-Lo liked it, but said that Jacob needs to find songs that represent who he is. Randy didn't think that this kind of song was right for Jacob and says that doing both parts of a duet song is kind of corny. So it wasn't a big favorite among the judges, but I didn't think it was half bad.
Lauren came up next to do "Flat On The Floor" by Carrie Underwood. It was very country and not surprisingly, she aced it. It was quick paced and fun and is the kind of song Lauren is made to sing. A great job.
The judges weighed in and Randy said that that's the direction she needs to go and called her amazing. J-Lo said that Lauren is showing everyone that "she wants it!" And Steven said that she was "as good as it gets" and that "the sky's the limit!". Overall, a very good showing by Lauren after a few rough weeks.
Scotty McCreery is the next to perform and he's doing a cover of the song "Gone" by Montgomery Gentry. Scotty turned in another great performance and really rocked it up there. He just looks so natural and comfortable up there on that stage. And the crowd, as you might expect, went totally nuts for the Garner, NC native.
Over at the judges table, the praise continued. Steven said that Scotty was "dancing with the devil and that's a good thing." J-Lo said that Scotty owned that stage and proved once again that he is American Idol material. And Randy remarked that it felt like he was sitting in the audience of a concert. Lots of love for the country crooner.
And finishing up the contemporary half of the show was Haley Reinhart who pulled a very bold and risky move by performing an unreleased track called "You And I" by Lady Gaga. It was funny to hear how she wouldn't do it until she had GaGa's blessing. In the beginning, her voice wasn't quite there with the song and it seemed a little off, but as the song went on, Haley seemed to relax a bit more and really get into it. No one knew about the song before the show tonight, but I promise you that there will be thousands of people looking it up on I-Tunes and YouTube now. All in all, Haley made a bold move and I think it turned out pretty well.
The judges though, did not agree. J-Lo loved the way she sounded, but didn't feel it was a great idea to do an unreleased song and wishes she had chosen a different song to cover. Randy called Haley a great singer, but said her choice of songs was risky. And Steven said she took the song and made it work. Steven says that Haley is just one perfect song away from being an American Idol.
And then it was time to go back in time and crank up some classics as part two of the show began and the Idol contestants sang their second songs of the evening. That was now and this is then...
James Durbin started things off once again and in the practice sessions with Jimmy and Sheryl, he was already very emotional as he talked about his family and the sacrifices he was being forced to make and how this song brought everything up to the forefront for him. And when he sang it, it wasn't a great vocal performance, but damn, could you feel the pure emotion just pouring out of James. It was incredible. His voice was flat in some spots and kind of quirky in others, but he gave it everything and even shed a few tears. It wasn't great vocally, but it was perfect in every other way.
The judges weighed in and J-Lo called him a "true artist" and amazing. Steven said the song was a little pitchy at times, but the emotion was beautiful. And Randy talked about how you could just feel the emotion pouring out of James and even though the song wasn't perfect, the competition is James' to lose. Well said, Mr. Jackson.
And now I cringe. Jacob Lusk is doing a cover of the Nazareth song, "Love Hurts", which has long been one of my absolute favorite songs. It's a beautiful song, but in my opinion, this song needs a rougher, more manly voice to hit the notes and make it work. I'd love to hear Steven Tyler cover it. Or James, for that matter. But I listened to Jacob and well, it didn't suck too badly, but it just wasn't right. There are some songs that when you polish them up too much, you take away the splendor and magic. Jacob has a good voice and hit some amazing notes, but killed the song for me. Jacob is not a rock singer and Nazareth was the master of the power ballads. Jacob has power in his voice, but him singing that particular song is like trying to power up an eighteen wheeler with a 9-volt battery. It just isn't happening.
And of course, the judges did not agree. Randy talked about how Jacob redeemed himself and hit probably the highest note ever sung on an Idol stage. Jennifer remarked how there was a rough spot in the middle, but Jacob brought out the tricks at the end and took the song to another place. I agree with that comment, but I don't think that J-Lo and I are talking about the same place. And Steven said that Jacob had "great delivery". So do my friends at Domino's, but they shouldn't sing that song either. Just saying.
Lauren was the next up and she did her version of "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers. Lauren has an amazing voice and although it kind of wavered a bit here and there, she did a fairly good job. She kind of chickened out on the highest parts of the song, choosing to kind of drop off with her notes instead of reaching for the stars, but it still sounded pretty decent.
And the judges agreed. Randy said that Lauren can sing like a bird and it was nicely done. And both Jennifer and Steven called the song "beautiful".
Scotty was back next and his song was a cover of "Always On My Mind" by Elvis Presley. OK, I'm going to complain a minute here. I wasn't even aware that Elvis recorded this song. The man who I, and probably 99% of music fans identify with this song is the man who wrote it, and topped both the country and pop charts with this song and that's Willie Nelson. I'm as big an Elvis fan as anyone, but give credit where it's due. This is and will always be Willie Nelson's song. Period!
As far as Scotty's performance of WILLIE's song went, he aced it. There were a couple of spots where his voice seemed to falter off a little bit, but it didn't distract from the performance and Scotty did a really good job. The judges chimed in with Jennifer saying that Scotty showed just how well-rounded he truly is and can mix it up. He's an amazing and true performer. Steven loved it and said it was a beautiful rendition of that song. And Randy closed by saying that Scotty is the "youngest veteran" in how he acts and behaves on stage because he's so comfortable and natural and that if it's not broke, don't fix it.
And finally, for the last performance of the evening, we get Haley doing a cover of "The House Of The Rising Sun" by The Animals. I love this song and as they announced it, I'm cringing. But I'll give her credit. She did an amazing job and her voice really goes well with this song. It just got better and better as she went along and when it ended, and the audience and judges gave her a standing ovation, I was just sitting there wishing we could hear more. Just incredible.
And the judges agreed as Randy said that Haley had blossomed and just delivered the performance of the night. J-Lo said it was a great job and Steven talked about how he can relate to her performance and that tonight, she sold everyone with a fantastic job.
So there are the song and performance reviews. Now we move on to the fun part. Who will be in the Bottom Three on Thursday night. And more importantly, who will have their dream ended and their hopes shattered by being sent home?
It's a tough call this week because for the most part, the ones who did bad with one performance pretty much aced their other song so the pros and cons of each contestant's night are pretty much coming out equal. I guess I'll just go with my gut here.
The Bottom Three tomorrow night, in my opinion, will be Jacob, Haley and Scotty.
I'm picking these three because Jacob ruined a great Nazareth song and wasn't all that on the first song either. Haley blew them away with her closing song, but the Lady GaGa song, which I liked, might be too unfamiliar for a lot of voters, and Scotty because he may have PO'ed some Willie Nelson fans by not giving Willie the proper credit for his song (and Willie fans are extremely loyal. My Mom is one, so I know from experience.) Scotty sang great, but will that be enough?
As for the biggest question, and once more, this is just my opinion, I think that Jacob Lusk will be going home.
And there you go.
That's it for me. I hope you liked the recap. Questions and comments are welcome and appreciated. And I'll catch you later on the flip side. I'm Doug and I am out of here.
Ubuntu!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Tossing Salt Is RAW: May 2, 2011
Tossing Salt Is WWE RAW
May 2, 2011
Doug Maynard
It's been a weekend of big events all across the globe. We had the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. We had President Obama finally come up with his birth certificate after being pressured and ridiculed by "The Donald", aka Mr. Trump. We finally had the murderer and terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, meet his maker at the hands of a unit of Navy Seals, we crowned both new WWE and World Champions last night at Extreme Rules.
By the way, did you hear the news? Donald Trump is demanding to see the death certificate for Bin Laden. Just kidding (or am I?)
And tonight, it's the birthday of the most electrifying man in sports-entertainment, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Matter of fact, the whole focus of RAW tonight will be to celebrate The Rock's birthday.
Happy Birthday to the Great One!
And now, let's get this party started. Crank up the music! I'm Doug and this is the most eclectic, electrifying, kick-butt RAW recap of all time (or at least for tonight)...
Tossing Salt Is RAW...
The guys at ringside are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews and Jerry "The King" Lawler. It's live from Miami, FL. Let's do this...
Later tonight, the main event is set as John Cena defends his newly won WWE Championship against the former champ, The Miz.
We start off with a video talking about 9/11 and the attack on the World Trade Centers with former President Bush from the day of that tragic event. And then we see some clips from Smackdown live on September 13, 2001 from Houston, TX.
We start with the singing of the National Anthem and Lilian Garcia is there to sing it... LIVE! Awesome! That is one beautilful woman. And she's a great singer too. I hope she handles the ring announcing tonight too. That'd be great. Lilian gets a big USA chant going in the crowd as we go to the RAW opening video montage. The new draftees are already there. Lots of pyro too.
Tonight, it's celebrating the birthday of The Rock. Plus John Cena defends against the Miz for the WWE Championship. And here comes The Rock! And the place explodes!
Rock comes to the ring and he has a mic. Justin is doing the announcing! Damn it! The Rock is going to speak. Finally... the crowd shuts up and the Rock gets to throw out some catch phrases. He's back in Miami and has come home. "Rocky" chant by the fans. One thing to say... "We got him!". USA chant starts. Rock thanks the men and women who fight for our country every day and night. He's proud of the military, his family and to be an American. Tonight, the Rock will lead everyone in the Pledge of Allegiance. Rock says it's good to be home. We get some "johnson" puns. Rock makes fun of himself and his high school looks, but he loved to eat the pie. We get a King Kong Bundy reference. The Rock talks about his college and football days, and then came to the WWE where he became the icon known as the Rock. He's ready to party. And the anonymous GM chimes in.
Michael Cole speaks. The Rock cuts off Michael Cole and tells him that he can't hear him. Rock tells Cole to come up to the ring and to read the message in the Rock's face. Rock says no. Rock accuses Cole of being scared, but plays on Cole winning his matches at Wrestlemania and Extreme Rules. He mocks Cole, calls him a bitch and dares him to come to the ring and read the message to his face. Cole says he's not scared of anything. Cole is a man now and is a winner. Cole takes off the jacket and his shirt to reveal a Boston Celtic's jersey. Much boos for that. Cole rags on the Miami crowd. Cole says that he will come to the ring and calls The Rock "Dwayne".
Cole says that The RAW GM demands an apology from the Rock. Cole says he wants an apology too and wants "Dwayne" to say he's sorry. Rock thinks about it. He tells Cole that he's right. He did disrespect the GM and Cole. And the Rock has just one thing to say. He's sorry and Rock offers a handshake. Cole hesitates to shake the Rock's hand. Rock offers his hand. He's being a man. Cole accepts, but Rock doesn't let go. Rock-Bottom for Cole and the People's Elbow! AWESOME!!!
Rock stops the music. This is Miami and the biggest birthday celebration in TV history. Rock brings out someone called "Pitbull" and the crowd loves him. Happy Birthday to the Rock and the guy starts to perform and sing on the stage. Who is this guy? He looks like a mini-me Vin Deisel. Or maybe Mini-Me from Austin Powers pumped up on steroids. Catchy song though. Not quite as good as James or Scotty on American Idol, but he's got some good sounds. He's better than Jacob anyhow. Damn, we get Miami Heat cheerleaders out there too. The Rock definitely knows how to throw a party.
And the opening segment ran 28 minutes. Yeah, the Rock is back. Lebron James and one of his Miami Heat comrades, also named Dwyane, wish the Rock a Happy Birthday!
We come back and see clips from the R-Truth / John Morrison brawl from last week. Jim Ross has joined Lawler and Matthews at ringside.
John Morrison is on his way to the ring and here comes R-Truth with a sneak attack ambush from behind. Truth dominates and lays out Morrison with a high-impact splat on the mat by the ring. Morrison appears to be injured as the refs check him out. His neck is hurting. Truth has been sent to the back. The refs help Morrison up the ramp. Truth is back and he plants Morrison again, face first, on the steel at the top of the ramp. The refs send Truth to the back whle we go to commercial.
More messages from Jimmy Kimmell wishing Rock a Happy Birthday.
Diva's Match
Maryse versus Kelly Kelly
Maryse with attitude. Kelly with kicks. And music hits. Here comes Kharma to the ring. Kelly has just frozen up in the ring. Kharma climbs into the ring and eyes both Kelly and Maryse. She goes after Maryse and delivers an Implant-Buster on the snooty french Diva. And then Kharma eyes Kelly for a moment, but leaves the ring. leaving Kelly in peace.
No Contest
We see Miz in the back and he's reflecting. Alex Riley is there and Miz isn't happy. Where has he been? Miz wants to know where Alex was last night. Alex explains he was drafted to Smackdown. Miz doesn't want excuses. Riley works for him as his personal assistant and he wants Riley at ringside for his match against Cena. Miz says he's going to get his title back and when the night is over, no one will care about the Rock or his birthday. Great intensity from Miz.
Another video as actor Paul Walker (Rock's co-star from FF5) wishes Rock a Happy Bithday and also gets some shots in at "Fruity Pebbles". I wonder who he's talking about?
Another Happy Birthday message from Samuel L. Jackson. He's got the Rock's back.
Rock is talking backstage to the Diva's and talking about singing to Michelle Obama and giving her the eyebrow. Teddy Long is there. And Kozlov is there too and has Santino with him, dressed up as Rock's character from Fast 5. Hornswoggle is out dressed as the Scorpion King. And The Great Khali is dressed as the Tooth Fairy. Rock is impressed by the WWE impressions of his characters, but doesn't really have the words to describe it all, so Rock hands it over to Ron Simmons, who says what we're all thinking with one magic word... "DAMN!" Kind of dumb, but kind of fun little segment.
Happy Birthday message for The Rock from Steve Carrell.
WWE Championship Match
The Miz w/ Alex Riley versus WWE Champion John Cena
Cena is a ten-time Champion now. That just doesn't sound right, does it? Bleh! We get big time match introductions after the guys are in the ring. Very classy and cool. Miz takes control early, but Cena scores with a dropkick for a two. Cena in control now, but Miz with kick and fists. Cena with punches for Miz and Riley. Miz takes advantage with fists and Cena goes to floor. Riley with the cheap shot. Miz follows and Cena eats the steps. Miz throws Cena in ring and gets two. Miz with clothesline in corner and a "Shades of Macho Man Randy Savage" axe-handle off the top for a two count. And we go to commercial.
Miz with the "Shades of Wrestling II" kneelift for a two count. Kicks and fists by the Miz. It's a big time beatdown in the corner. Miz misses the clothesline and Cena comes back with the Super-Cena routine. We can't see him. It's five knuckle time. Miz with a kick to Cena's head, but Cena goes for the STFU. Miz makes the ropes to escape. Miz with a kick and a DT for two. Miz undoes the pad in the corner. He grabs Cena, but Cena blocks. Miz gets a reverse DDT / neckbreaker for another two count. It's back and forth now. Ref is bumped.
Cena locks in the STF. Miz taps, but there is no ref. Riley is and Cena grabs him. Miz hits Cena with Riley's briefcase and nails Cena. Miz with skull-crushing finale. Riley puts ref in ring who counts two as Cena taps out. Cena with A.A. for a two count as Miz kicks out. Both down as the ref counts. Riley distracts the ref and the Miz hits Cena wth the belt to get the pin.
NEW WWE Champion: THE MIZ w/ Alex Riley
The ref reverses the decision and the Miz is disqualified. John Cena is the winner and still champion.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
Miz and Riley are exchanging words and here is Cena with the Attitude Adjustment for both men. Cena is still the champ. DAMN!!
Another message for the Rock - Ellen Degeneres wishes Rock a happy birthday. She wants a catch-phrase. The new DX DVD - DX: One Last Stand is available at all fine stores and at WWEshop.com. After the commerical, Tyler Perry wishes Rock a Happy Birthday too.
We see Matthews, Ross and Lawler who talk about Extreme Rules. We go back to last night when John Cena announced to the live audience that Osama Bin Laden is dead (compromised to a permanent end). USA Chant from the live Tampa crowd. A big moment for all of us. Cena is proud to be an American.
Here comes Ricardo Rodregiuez so guess who's up next. Del Rio is here, but he's not dressed to wrestle.
Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston versus Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre
Kofi is the new U.S. Champion. Congrats to him. Swagger & McIntyre look confident. All four men are recent draftees from the Smackdown brand. Swagger starts off with Rey, working him over with some amatuer style wrestling moves. Rey with a kick. Kofi is in and we see a double-team and fists. Kofi with kicks, but Swagger with the clothesline and a tag to Drew as we go to commercial.
Back and Swagger is working over Kofi. Kofi with fists and Drew tags in. Drew with the fists and some clubbering and stomping. Del Rio is talking crap about Rey at the announce table. Drew covers Kofi for two. Kofi fights back as Swagger tags in. Jack clubs away at Kofi, pounding away at the smaller man. Front facelock by Swagger. Swagger nails Rey on the outside and tags in Drew.
Drew all cocky, but Kofi is kicking and throwing elbows. Kofi with hot tag to Rey who flies and cleans house on Drew for a two count. Swagger makes the save. Kofi cuts off Drew and Rey nails the 619 to the top. Rey with a splash for the pin.
Winners: Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston
Rey nails Del Rio with a baseball slide kick to send a message to the "Destined One". We learn about "STAR" and that the WWE does not like bullies or bullying. Show tolerance and respect - Be a star.
Another message for Rock as Ludacris wishes the great one a Happy Birthday. Dueces. And Dan Marino gets in his Happy Birthday wishes as well.
The Rock is talking to Christian. He's proud of him for his victory and winning the World Championship last night. "Excuse me!" And here comes Vickie. Her birthday was last month. Dolph Ziggler and Vickie got Rock a present. They know he loves "Pie". We get a big cake and Mae Young comes out of the cake. The Rock isn't upset or embarassed. He's happy to see Mae Young. Rock cuts loose with some catchphrases on Vickie and Dolph and gives Mae a big kiss. And here is John Cena. Cena brought a gift. The WWE Championship. He'll keep it until Wrestlemania 28 and the biggest match in WWE history will be even bigger. Cena tells Rock to just bring it. Rock is speechless. We see Kane and he's headed towards the ring for a match against Mason Ryan. And that's next.
Another message for the Rock as George Lopez wishes him a Happy Birthday. It's match time.
Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk versus Kane
Ryan powers Kane to the mat and then shoves him to the floor. Kane fights back, but Ryan with a clothesline for the advantage. Ryan with a big slam and several hard whips to the corner. Kane with the boot and some fists. Punk interferes and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by DQ: Kane
Here comes the new Nexus and they attack Kane. He fights them off and goes to chokeslam Ryan, but Ryan breaks the grip and powers down Kane. It's a Nexus beatdown and here comes the Big Show for the save. Show fights off Nexus, but Ryan spears Big Show and the big man is down. Ryan walks to the top of the ramp as Nexus just watches.
Regis and Kelly Ripa wish The Rock a very happy birthday. We see a brief video talking about how Christian's dream became a reality at Extreme Rules. See more of this on Smackdown. Craig Ferguson wishes Rock a Happy Birthday too.
And back on RAW, the Rock comes back to the ring one more time. He wants to make sure that everyone had a good time and had fun. He thanks the fans for making it a great night. He thanks his family and the WWE. And he gives us his word that next year's Wrestlemania will be the greatest of all time. And here comes Vince McMahon on to the ramp.
Vince wishes Rock a Happy Birthday and thanks him. He talks about how Rock asked him for opportunity when he was younger and thanks Rock for that. He thanks Rock for his respect, passion, humanity, giving audience chance to say 'What', Love of life and devotion, but most importantly for being The Rock. They put together a birthday present for The Rock. Vince thanks Rock for "coming home".
We close the show with a fantastic video by the WWE in honor of the Rock - very well done and a great video tribute to a truly electrifying performer and superstar. The Rock seems to like the video as we go back live to Miami. And here comes singer Mayah, to sing "Happy Birthday" to the Rock and leads the crowd in song. Half the crowd are wearing party hats. Wow!
Rock tells everyone "thank you" if you smell what the Rock is cooking! We get streamers dropping from the ceiling and balloons. You can barely see the ring for the confetti as pyro goes off and the show finally ends.
And that was a helluva way to celebrate a birthday party. But it shows just how much respect and love the WWE has for The Rock. Also, the Rock means more people watching and more money for the WWE with higher ratings, but I really don't think that part of it mattered. You can tell by that look tonight as he spoke that Vince really does like and respect Dwayne Johnson. And that's a good thing to see.
It was a pretty good show. It kind of dragged in the middle and the matches, with the exception of the Miz - Cena match, were a bit forgettable and boring. We got to see Ron Simmons and Mae Young make cameos, plus the debut of Kharma, so there were definitely some big moments. I'm glad Mae didn't try to wrestle though. That would have been nasty. All and all, a fun and decent show.
And I guess that's it for me tonight. I'll be back on Wednesday night with my weekly American Idol review and recap at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. And most likely, later in the week, I should be back with a new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" column detailing who I feel are the "Fifty Greatest Wrestlers of All-Time". If the WWE can do a DVD about that, then I can do a column or two, right? So look for that. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com.
And with that, I'm out of here for now. I'm Doug and just like Miss USA on Tough Enough (and Skid-Marks earlier tonight), I'm history. Until the next time...
Ubuntu!
May 2, 2011
Doug Maynard
It's been a weekend of big events all across the globe. We had the Royal Wedding of William and Kate. We had President Obama finally come up with his birth certificate after being pressured and ridiculed by "The Donald", aka Mr. Trump. We finally had the murderer and terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, meet his maker at the hands of a unit of Navy Seals, we crowned both new WWE and World Champions last night at Extreme Rules.
By the way, did you hear the news? Donald Trump is demanding to see the death certificate for Bin Laden. Just kidding (or am I?)
And tonight, it's the birthday of the most electrifying man in sports-entertainment, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Matter of fact, the whole focus of RAW tonight will be to celebrate The Rock's birthday.
Happy Birthday to the Great One!
And now, let's get this party started. Crank up the music! I'm Doug and this is the most eclectic, electrifying, kick-butt RAW recap of all time (or at least for tonight)...
Tossing Salt Is RAW...
The guys at ringside are Michael Cole, Josh Matthews and Jerry "The King" Lawler. It's live from Miami, FL. Let's do this...
Later tonight, the main event is set as John Cena defends his newly won WWE Championship against the former champ, The Miz.
We start off with a video talking about 9/11 and the attack on the World Trade Centers with former President Bush from the day of that tragic event. And then we see some clips from Smackdown live on September 13, 2001 from Houston, TX.
We start with the singing of the National Anthem and Lilian Garcia is there to sing it... LIVE! Awesome! That is one beautilful woman. And she's a great singer too. I hope she handles the ring announcing tonight too. That'd be great. Lilian gets a big USA chant going in the crowd as we go to the RAW opening video montage. The new draftees are already there. Lots of pyro too.
Tonight, it's celebrating the birthday of The Rock. Plus John Cena defends against the Miz for the WWE Championship. And here comes The Rock! And the place explodes!
Rock comes to the ring and he has a mic. Justin is doing the announcing! Damn it! The Rock is going to speak. Finally... the crowd shuts up and the Rock gets to throw out some catch phrases. He's back in Miami and has come home. "Rocky" chant by the fans. One thing to say... "We got him!". USA chant starts. Rock thanks the men and women who fight for our country every day and night. He's proud of the military, his family and to be an American. Tonight, the Rock will lead everyone in the Pledge of Allegiance. Rock says it's good to be home. We get some "johnson" puns. Rock makes fun of himself and his high school looks, but he loved to eat the pie. We get a King Kong Bundy reference. The Rock talks about his college and football days, and then came to the WWE where he became the icon known as the Rock. He's ready to party. And the anonymous GM chimes in.
Michael Cole speaks. The Rock cuts off Michael Cole and tells him that he can't hear him. Rock tells Cole to come up to the ring and to read the message in the Rock's face. Rock says no. Rock accuses Cole of being scared, but plays on Cole winning his matches at Wrestlemania and Extreme Rules. He mocks Cole, calls him a bitch and dares him to come to the ring and read the message to his face. Cole says he's not scared of anything. Cole is a man now and is a winner. Cole takes off the jacket and his shirt to reveal a Boston Celtic's jersey. Much boos for that. Cole rags on the Miami crowd. Cole says that he will come to the ring and calls The Rock "Dwayne".
Cole says that The RAW GM demands an apology from the Rock. Cole says he wants an apology too and wants "Dwayne" to say he's sorry. Rock thinks about it. He tells Cole that he's right. He did disrespect the GM and Cole. And the Rock has just one thing to say. He's sorry and Rock offers a handshake. Cole hesitates to shake the Rock's hand. Rock offers his hand. He's being a man. Cole accepts, but Rock doesn't let go. Rock-Bottom for Cole and the People's Elbow! AWESOME!!!
Rock stops the music. This is Miami and the biggest birthday celebration in TV history. Rock brings out someone called "Pitbull" and the crowd loves him. Happy Birthday to the Rock and the guy starts to perform and sing on the stage. Who is this guy? He looks like a mini-me Vin Deisel. Or maybe Mini-Me from Austin Powers pumped up on steroids. Catchy song though. Not quite as good as James or Scotty on American Idol, but he's got some good sounds. He's better than Jacob anyhow. Damn, we get Miami Heat cheerleaders out there too. The Rock definitely knows how to throw a party.
And the opening segment ran 28 minutes. Yeah, the Rock is back. Lebron James and one of his Miami Heat comrades, also named Dwyane, wish the Rock a Happy Birthday!
We come back and see clips from the R-Truth / John Morrison brawl from last week. Jim Ross has joined Lawler and Matthews at ringside.
John Morrison is on his way to the ring and here comes R-Truth with a sneak attack ambush from behind. Truth dominates and lays out Morrison with a high-impact splat on the mat by the ring. Morrison appears to be injured as the refs check him out. His neck is hurting. Truth has been sent to the back. The refs help Morrison up the ramp. Truth is back and he plants Morrison again, face first, on the steel at the top of the ramp. The refs send Truth to the back whle we go to commercial.
More messages from Jimmy Kimmell wishing Rock a Happy Birthday.
Diva's Match
Maryse versus Kelly Kelly
Maryse with attitude. Kelly with kicks. And music hits. Here comes Kharma to the ring. Kelly has just frozen up in the ring. Kharma climbs into the ring and eyes both Kelly and Maryse. She goes after Maryse and delivers an Implant-Buster on the snooty french Diva. And then Kharma eyes Kelly for a moment, but leaves the ring. leaving Kelly in peace.
No Contest
We see Miz in the back and he's reflecting. Alex Riley is there and Miz isn't happy. Where has he been? Miz wants to know where Alex was last night. Alex explains he was drafted to Smackdown. Miz doesn't want excuses. Riley works for him as his personal assistant and he wants Riley at ringside for his match against Cena. Miz says he's going to get his title back and when the night is over, no one will care about the Rock or his birthday. Great intensity from Miz.
Another video as actor Paul Walker (Rock's co-star from FF5) wishes Rock a Happy Bithday and also gets some shots in at "Fruity Pebbles". I wonder who he's talking about?
Another Happy Birthday message from Samuel L. Jackson. He's got the Rock's back.
Rock is talking backstage to the Diva's and talking about singing to Michelle Obama and giving her the eyebrow. Teddy Long is there. And Kozlov is there too and has Santino with him, dressed up as Rock's character from Fast 5. Hornswoggle is out dressed as the Scorpion King. And The Great Khali is dressed as the Tooth Fairy. Rock is impressed by the WWE impressions of his characters, but doesn't really have the words to describe it all, so Rock hands it over to Ron Simmons, who says what we're all thinking with one magic word... "DAMN!" Kind of dumb, but kind of fun little segment.
Happy Birthday message for The Rock from Steve Carrell.
WWE Championship Match
The Miz w/ Alex Riley versus WWE Champion John Cena
Cena is a ten-time Champion now. That just doesn't sound right, does it? Bleh! We get big time match introductions after the guys are in the ring. Very classy and cool. Miz takes control early, but Cena scores with a dropkick for a two. Cena in control now, but Miz with kick and fists. Cena with punches for Miz and Riley. Miz takes advantage with fists and Cena goes to floor. Riley with the cheap shot. Miz follows and Cena eats the steps. Miz throws Cena in ring and gets two. Miz with clothesline in corner and a "Shades of Macho Man Randy Savage" axe-handle off the top for a two count. And we go to commercial.
Miz with the "Shades of Wrestling II" kneelift for a two count. Kicks and fists by the Miz. It's a big time beatdown in the corner. Miz misses the clothesline and Cena comes back with the Super-Cena routine. We can't see him. It's five knuckle time. Miz with a kick to Cena's head, but Cena goes for the STFU. Miz makes the ropes to escape. Miz with a kick and a DT for two. Miz undoes the pad in the corner. He grabs Cena, but Cena blocks. Miz gets a reverse DDT / neckbreaker for another two count. It's back and forth now. Ref is bumped.
Cena locks in the STF. Miz taps, but there is no ref. Riley is and Cena grabs him. Miz hits Cena with Riley's briefcase and nails Cena. Miz with skull-crushing finale. Riley puts ref in ring who counts two as Cena taps out. Cena with A.A. for a two count as Miz kicks out. Both down as the ref counts. Riley distracts the ref and the Miz hits Cena wth the belt to get the pin.
NEW WWE Champion: THE MIZ w/ Alex Riley
The ref reverses the decision and the Miz is disqualified. John Cena is the winner and still champion.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
Miz and Riley are exchanging words and here is Cena with the Attitude Adjustment for both men. Cena is still the champ. DAMN!!
Another message for the Rock - Ellen Degeneres wishes Rock a happy birthday. She wants a catch-phrase. The new DX DVD - DX: One Last Stand is available at all fine stores and at WWEshop.com. After the commerical, Tyler Perry wishes Rock a Happy Birthday too.
We see Matthews, Ross and Lawler who talk about Extreme Rules. We go back to last night when John Cena announced to the live audience that Osama Bin Laden is dead (compromised to a permanent end). USA Chant from the live Tampa crowd. A big moment for all of us. Cena is proud to be an American.
Here comes Ricardo Rodregiuez so guess who's up next. Del Rio is here, but he's not dressed to wrestle.
Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston versus Jack Swagger & Drew McIntyre
Kofi is the new U.S. Champion. Congrats to him. Swagger & McIntyre look confident. All four men are recent draftees from the Smackdown brand. Swagger starts off with Rey, working him over with some amatuer style wrestling moves. Rey with a kick. Kofi is in and we see a double-team and fists. Kofi with kicks, but Swagger with the clothesline and a tag to Drew as we go to commercial.
Back and Swagger is working over Kofi. Kofi with fists and Drew tags in. Drew with the fists and some clubbering and stomping. Del Rio is talking crap about Rey at the announce table. Drew covers Kofi for two. Kofi fights back as Swagger tags in. Jack clubs away at Kofi, pounding away at the smaller man. Front facelock by Swagger. Swagger nails Rey on the outside and tags in Drew.
Drew all cocky, but Kofi is kicking and throwing elbows. Kofi with hot tag to Rey who flies and cleans house on Drew for a two count. Swagger makes the save. Kofi cuts off Drew and Rey nails the 619 to the top. Rey with a splash for the pin.
Winners: Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston
Rey nails Del Rio with a baseball slide kick to send a message to the "Destined One". We learn about "STAR" and that the WWE does not like bullies or bullying. Show tolerance and respect - Be a star.
Another message for Rock as Ludacris wishes the great one a Happy Birthday. Dueces. And Dan Marino gets in his Happy Birthday wishes as well.
The Rock is talking to Christian. He's proud of him for his victory and winning the World Championship last night. "Excuse me!" And here comes Vickie. Her birthday was last month. Dolph Ziggler and Vickie got Rock a present. They know he loves "Pie". We get a big cake and Mae Young comes out of the cake. The Rock isn't upset or embarassed. He's happy to see Mae Young. Rock cuts loose with some catchphrases on Vickie and Dolph and gives Mae a big kiss. And here is John Cena. Cena brought a gift. The WWE Championship. He'll keep it until Wrestlemania 28 and the biggest match in WWE history will be even bigger. Cena tells Rock to just bring it. Rock is speechless. We see Kane and he's headed towards the ring for a match against Mason Ryan. And that's next.
Another message for the Rock as George Lopez wishes him a Happy Birthday. It's match time.
Mason Ryan w/ CM Punk versus Kane
Ryan powers Kane to the mat and then shoves him to the floor. Kane fights back, but Ryan with a clothesline for the advantage. Ryan with a big slam and several hard whips to the corner. Kane with the boot and some fists. Punk interferes and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by DQ: Kane
Here comes the new Nexus and they attack Kane. He fights them off and goes to chokeslam Ryan, but Ryan breaks the grip and powers down Kane. It's a Nexus beatdown and here comes the Big Show for the save. Show fights off Nexus, but Ryan spears Big Show and the big man is down. Ryan walks to the top of the ramp as Nexus just watches.
Regis and Kelly Ripa wish The Rock a very happy birthday. We see a brief video talking about how Christian's dream became a reality at Extreme Rules. See more of this on Smackdown. Craig Ferguson wishes Rock a Happy Birthday too.
And back on RAW, the Rock comes back to the ring one more time. He wants to make sure that everyone had a good time and had fun. He thanks the fans for making it a great night. He thanks his family and the WWE. And he gives us his word that next year's Wrestlemania will be the greatest of all time. And here comes Vince McMahon on to the ramp.
Vince wishes Rock a Happy Birthday and thanks him. He talks about how Rock asked him for opportunity when he was younger and thanks Rock for that. He thanks Rock for his respect, passion, humanity, giving audience chance to say 'What', Love of life and devotion, but most importantly for being The Rock. They put together a birthday present for The Rock. Vince thanks Rock for "coming home".
We close the show with a fantastic video by the WWE in honor of the Rock - very well done and a great video tribute to a truly electrifying performer and superstar. The Rock seems to like the video as we go back live to Miami. And here comes singer Mayah, to sing "Happy Birthday" to the Rock and leads the crowd in song. Half the crowd are wearing party hats. Wow!
Rock tells everyone "thank you" if you smell what the Rock is cooking! We get streamers dropping from the ceiling and balloons. You can barely see the ring for the confetti as pyro goes off and the show finally ends.
And that was a helluva way to celebrate a birthday party. But it shows just how much respect and love the WWE has for The Rock. Also, the Rock means more people watching and more money for the WWE with higher ratings, but I really don't think that part of it mattered. You can tell by that look tonight as he spoke that Vince really does like and respect Dwayne Johnson. And that's a good thing to see.
It was a pretty good show. It kind of dragged in the middle and the matches, with the exception of the Miz - Cena match, were a bit forgettable and boring. We got to see Ron Simmons and Mae Young make cameos, plus the debut of Kharma, so there were definitely some big moments. I'm glad Mae didn't try to wrestle though. That would have been nasty. All and all, a fun and decent show.
And I guess that's it for me tonight. I'll be back on Wednesday night with my weekly American Idol review and recap at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. And most likely, later in the week, I should be back with a new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" column detailing who I feel are the "Fifty Greatest Wrestlers of All-Time". If the WWE can do a DVD about that, then I can do a column or two, right? So look for that. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com.
And with that, I'm out of here for now. I'm Doug and just like Miss USA on Tough Enough (and Skid-Marks earlier tonight), I'm history. Until the next time...
Ubuntu!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
The Great Debate (A Fic)
"This is a Fox News special report", Shepard Smith said as he read the teleprompter. "Tonight is the first of what will be many, many debates for the Republican Party nonimation to run for President in 2012 against President Barack Obama. Ummmm... since so many of the prospective Republican candidiates are not willing to make any kind of committment or announcement regarding whether they are or are not running for the Republican Presidential nomination, we were only able to get a very few of the actual politicians here. And since Fox News had already regulated this time to the debate, we were forced to make a decision. I told our producers that we should just run footage of bears for ninety minutes. Everybody loves bears. But they wanted a full fledged polititcal debate. So the prospective candidiates that are going to run, but have not actually announced that they are running were allowed to send representatives to participate in this debate on their behalf. Are you following all of this?"
Shepard paused for a dramatic moment and to take a breath.
"I would have rather seen the bears! So anyhow, here are the participants for what will the the first of thousands of Presidential debates over the next two years as they fight tooth and nail, just like the bears, for the Republican Presidential Nomination and a chance to face President Obama in 2012. From left to right, please welcome, representing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, is professional wrestler "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Next to him, representing former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is comedian Joan Rivers. Moving on, we have former Alaska Governor and Fox News contributer, Sarah Palin. Next to the Governor is billionaire entrepreneur and television Icon Donald Trump. And finally, we have from Texas, Republican Congressman Ron Paul."
Shepard pauses once more so the televison camera can scan the six figures standing at their podiums. Then he continues...
"And please allow me to introduce the moderator of this debate, proving once again that at Fox News, we are always fair and balanced, the star of Fox TV's Family Guy, this is Peter Griffin."
Peter Griffin walked out to his position and waved to the crowd and the politicians.
"Thank you Shep", he said. "And... oh crap, I just pooped myself!"
And with a big blush, Peter Griffin quickly hurried off the stage and vanished into the backstage area.
"Okay, are we still on?", Shepard Smith asked his producers. "I guess Peter won't be doing the moderating, so what do we do now? Find a substitute? We're on live televison. Sure we can't just run the video of the bear on the trampoline?"
The television screen goes black and we see a video of a bear falling out of a tree and on to a trampoline, where he bounced high into the air before hitting the ground.
We came back to live TV and Shepard Smith is back on the screen.
"Don't you just love the bears?", he asked with a smile. "We found someone else to moderate the debate. He was in the hallway and we just snatched him in here. We get some of our best reporters that way. Please allow me to introduce the mediator for this first of what will be billions of political debates, this is... oh wow, this is a shocker. Is this for real?"
After receiving assurances from his producers that it was indeed, for real, Sheppard continued.
"Okay, I've received confirmation and this is not a joke. Dear Lord, this is real. Live tv at it's best, folks. Our mediator for tonight's debate is... Kermit the Frog.
"Hi Ho", Kermit said as he took his place at the podium. "Kermit the Frog here. Now, what am I supposed to do?"
"Just ask the questions on the cards, Kermit", Shepard Smith answered. "And give each participant a chance to reply."
"Okay, so here's the first question and it goes to Ric Flair first, representing Governor Huckabee", Kermit said.
"Wooooo! I'm ready to style and profile, Froggy", Ric said. "Lay it on me! Woooooooooo!"
"Governor Huckabee has proposed replacing our current tax system with what is known as The Fair Tax. Why is this a better tax system than our current method?"
"Wooooo!", Ric shouted. "No one knows the tax man and the IRS better than the Nature Boy! The Fair Tax means that everyone pays on items purchased, like a sales tax instead of having money taken from the paychecks. No more IRS to style and profile like The Nature Boy! Wooooooo!"
"Thank you, Mr. Flair", Kermit said. "And I have no idea what you just said. Anyone else want to respond to that question?"
"I can see Russia from my house", Governor Palin answered.
"I dated a Russian once", Joan Rivers said. "Or maybe it was a German? Who knows and who cares? At my age, so long as they're alive and breathing, they're a catch. What? They're dead! Bring 'em anyways. We'll just prop them up."
"The whole tax system that the United States currently operates under is a fiasco and a joke", Ron Paul interjected. "Our whole economic system needs to be rebuilt from the ground up if it's to survive the future."
"I think we should just fire the IRS", Donald Trump said.
"Excuse me", Kermit said. "We need to quiet down with only one person talking at a time."
"One person? Heidi Abromiwitz averaged one person a minute. That girl was such a tramp", Joan Rivers said. "She had a baby and named it after the father. Trick!"
"Can we get to the next question please?", Kermit said.
"Go ahead", Governor Palin answered.
"This is so confusing", Kermit muttered to himself. "The next question here on this card is talking about Libya and American foreign policy in Iraq and Afghanistain. What do you think of the current Administration's foreign policy and if elected President, what would you do different? Congressman Paul, you start."
"Well, we need to bring our troops home", Ron Paul began. "We went into Afghanistain and Iraq both without a formal declaration of war by Congress. The President can't do that. Only Congress can. So if we could just march our troops in there, we can just march them out. As for Libya, let the United Nations handle that situation. But Quadafi is a crazy man. That's for sure."
"Speaking of crazy men", Governor Palin interjected, "I met Charlie Sheen last night. He's a great guy, but he kept asking me for Bristol's phone number and claiming to be winning."
"I've never won anything in my life", Joan Rivers remarked. "I entered a beauty contest and came in third. The only other entrant was a Russian girl with a full beard. Her name was Boris."
"Did I tell you that I can see Russia from my house?", Governor Palin interjected.
"We're getting off the subject", Kernit said. "Mr. Trump, what do you think about our current foreign policy?"
"I think we should take all of our current leaders and fire them", Trump said. "They're obviously incompetent and not getting the job done. And I have a question for you, Kernit?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump?", Kernit asked.
"What qualifies you to sit there and moderate our debate. How qualified are you for this role?", Trump asked.
"As qualified as you are to be President, Mr. Trump", Kermit responded. "Hi yo!"
"Very well", Trump said. "You're fired!"
"You can't fire me", Kermit said. "This is a Fox News sponsered debate."
"Well, if we have a Celebrity Apprentice next year, come on the show and I'll fire you then", Trump said.
"Have your people call my agent", Kermit replied. "Mr. Flair, you're wanting to get in on this?"
"I've been to Libya. I"ve been to Japan. I've been to Iraq. I've been to Canada and Mexico. I've been to Charlotte, NC and Chicago, IL and Los Angeles and Vegas..."
"So, Mr. Flair, is there a point to all of this? You've traveled around the world. We know that", Kernit said.
"Hell, I've even been to Governor Palin's house in Alaska. Did you know you can see Russia from there?", Flair continued.
"It's true. You can!", Sarah Palin remarked, nodding her head.
"And the thing that all of these places have in common is that when the Nature Boy came to town... Wooooooooo! The women lined up for blocks and we partied all night long! Woooooooo!"
"I was in a line once to meet Flair", Joan Rivers remarked. "At least I thought it was a line to meet RIc Flair. Turns out it was a line for a soup kitchen instead. Great beef bistro."
"Baby, you can come visit Space Mountain anytime", Flair said as he strutted around his podium. "Whooooooooo!"
"Can we please get back to the debate", Kermit said. "You people are a bunch of animals and considering the crowd I work with, that's saying something."
"I love the Muppets", Trump said. "Miss Piggy reminds me of my second wife."
"I think Miss Piggy was your second wife", Joan Rivers remarked.
"I think you're right. I'll have to check with my accountant and see who gets the checks each month", Trump said.
"No, Miss Piggy was not your second wife", Kermit said. "She's my.... never mind. Can we get back to the questions?"
"Are you sure it wasn't Miss Piggy?", Trump said.
"Maybe it was Kirstie Alley?, Ron Paul suggested.
"Or Boy George?", Joan Rivers added.
"Doesn't matter", Trump said. "She was fired anyhow."
"Please... the debate!", Kermit said, trying to regain control.
"Stylin and profilin', bleeding, sweating and paying the price... diamonds are forever and so is Ric Flair. Woooooooo!", Ric Flair shouted.
"Please... we have one more question. Can I at least ask this last question?", Kernit said.
"Of course, Frog", Trump said. "What is your last question before I fire you?"
"Right now, I wish someone would fire me", Kermit sighed. "Geez!"
"We're sorry, Kermit", Governor Palin said. "We just got a little carried away trying to explain to the world why Barack Obama is a tax-spending liberal who's running this country into the ground and destroying our economy. Drill baby drill!"
"That almost made sense", Kermit admitted.
"What almost made sense?", Governor Palin asked. "Did you know you can see Russia..."
"From your house", everyone on the panel finished the sentence for her.
"We get it, Governor", Ron Paul said. "And you're right, as scary as that is, we need to get in there and overhaul our ecomony and get rid of the current President and help make this country strong again as it should be."
"Speaking of strong, I tried on a new perfume yesterday", Joan Rivers interjected. "It was supposed to draw the men like flies. Instead, it only drew flies. I smelled like Latoya Jackson."
"Please, let me give the last question", Kermit sighed loudly.
"Go ahead", Joan said. "We're not stopping you."
"Okay, this question came from the moderator, Peter Griffin. I'd like each of you to answer.", Kermit said. "What is the word! Governor Palin, you start!"
"For me, the word is energy, because we can't rebuild to be the nuimber one nation in the world until we solve our energy problems and get the gas prices back where they need to be and we can only do that by drilling", Governor Palin answered.
"Mr. Flair?", Kermit said.
"The word is stylin and profilin all night long with the Nature Boy. Woooooooooooo!", Flair said.
"Of course", Kermit replied. "Mr. Trump?"
"Jobs!", Trump said.
"Care to elaborate?", Kermit asked.
Trump just stared straight ahead.
"Okay, Congressman Paul, you're next", Kermit continued.
"The world is the economy", Paul said. "Until we get this economy fixed, nothing else can be fixed."
"Sounds good", Kermit said. "And Joan Rivers?"
"Kermit, I've been around for a long time", Joan said. "And the only words that matter are sex appeal. If you have it, you've got it made. Don't believe me? Look at Britney Spears. An okay singer and not too bright, but she flashes that trick pelvis and the men go crazy. She's hot! It's true!"
"Joanie, you've always been a hot and sexy Mama to me", Ric Flair interjected. "Woooooooooo!"
"Yeah, but who are you?", Joan said to Flair. "I saw you backstage trying to hook up with Ariana Huffington, for goodness sakes."
"I didn't think anyone saw that", Flair sighed. "Woooooo!"
"And true, she's a billionaire, but wow, what a dog. Her face looks like an ad for adopt-a-pet", Joan said.
"She's a billionaire?", Trump asked. "Maybe she's one of my ex-wives?"
"We're getting out of control again", Kermit said. "How much time do we have left?"
After getting a reply from producers, Kermit spoke once more.
"FIrst off, I'm required to tell you that the word is bird", Kermit said. "Yes, bird is the word!"
At that moment, a group of muppets, led by Family Guy's Peter Griffin, came dancing across the stage.
"Bird, bird bird... bird is the word", they sang.
Everyone just sat in stunned silence as they moved quickly and danced to the cameras and back off the stage again, with the muppet, Animal, closing up the dance routine by yelling "Birdie" and chasing a chicken across the stage, feathers flying everywhere.
Peter Griffin looked at the group and into the camera.
"Bird is the word!", he said before following the rest of his entourage off the stage.
The cameras turned back to Kermit who had the most exasperated look on his face.
"And we're out of time", Kermit said. "And thank goodness for that. My thanks to everyone for participating in the first of what will be a very long and insane political season, leading up to the elections of 2012. Pray for us! We're going to need it!"
THE END!!!!!
Shepard paused for a dramatic moment and to take a breath.
"I would have rather seen the bears! So anyhow, here are the participants for what will the the first of thousands of Presidential debates over the next two years as they fight tooth and nail, just like the bears, for the Republican Presidential Nomination and a chance to face President Obama in 2012. From left to right, please welcome, representing former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, is professional wrestler "Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Next to him, representing former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is comedian Joan Rivers. Moving on, we have former Alaska Governor and Fox News contributer, Sarah Palin. Next to the Governor is billionaire entrepreneur and television Icon Donald Trump. And finally, we have from Texas, Republican Congressman Ron Paul."
Shepard pauses once more so the televison camera can scan the six figures standing at their podiums. Then he continues...
"And please allow me to introduce the moderator of this debate, proving once again that at Fox News, we are always fair and balanced, the star of Fox TV's Family Guy, this is Peter Griffin."
Peter Griffin walked out to his position and waved to the crowd and the politicians.
"Thank you Shep", he said. "And... oh crap, I just pooped myself!"
And with a big blush, Peter Griffin quickly hurried off the stage and vanished into the backstage area.
"Okay, are we still on?", Shepard Smith asked his producers. "I guess Peter won't be doing the moderating, so what do we do now? Find a substitute? We're on live televison. Sure we can't just run the video of the bear on the trampoline?"
The television screen goes black and we see a video of a bear falling out of a tree and on to a trampoline, where he bounced high into the air before hitting the ground.
We came back to live TV and Shepard Smith is back on the screen.
"Don't you just love the bears?", he asked with a smile. "We found someone else to moderate the debate. He was in the hallway and we just snatched him in here. We get some of our best reporters that way. Please allow me to introduce the mediator for this first of what will be billions of political debates, this is... oh wow, this is a shocker. Is this for real?"
After receiving assurances from his producers that it was indeed, for real, Sheppard continued.
"Okay, I've received confirmation and this is not a joke. Dear Lord, this is real. Live tv at it's best, folks. Our mediator for tonight's debate is... Kermit the Frog.
"Hi Ho", Kermit said as he took his place at the podium. "Kermit the Frog here. Now, what am I supposed to do?"
"Just ask the questions on the cards, Kermit", Shepard Smith answered. "And give each participant a chance to reply."
"Okay, so here's the first question and it goes to Ric Flair first, representing Governor Huckabee", Kermit said.
"Wooooo! I'm ready to style and profile, Froggy", Ric said. "Lay it on me! Woooooooooo!"
"Governor Huckabee has proposed replacing our current tax system with what is known as The Fair Tax. Why is this a better tax system than our current method?"
"Wooooo!", Ric shouted. "No one knows the tax man and the IRS better than the Nature Boy! The Fair Tax means that everyone pays on items purchased, like a sales tax instead of having money taken from the paychecks. No more IRS to style and profile like The Nature Boy! Wooooooo!"
"Thank you, Mr. Flair", Kermit said. "And I have no idea what you just said. Anyone else want to respond to that question?"
"I can see Russia from my house", Governor Palin answered.
"I dated a Russian once", Joan Rivers said. "Or maybe it was a German? Who knows and who cares? At my age, so long as they're alive and breathing, they're a catch. What? They're dead! Bring 'em anyways. We'll just prop them up."
"The whole tax system that the United States currently operates under is a fiasco and a joke", Ron Paul interjected. "Our whole economic system needs to be rebuilt from the ground up if it's to survive the future."
"I think we should just fire the IRS", Donald Trump said.
"Excuse me", Kermit said. "We need to quiet down with only one person talking at a time."
"One person? Heidi Abromiwitz averaged one person a minute. That girl was such a tramp", Joan Rivers said. "She had a baby and named it after the father. Trick!"
"Can we get to the next question please?", Kermit said.
"Go ahead", Governor Palin answered.
"This is so confusing", Kermit muttered to himself. "The next question here on this card is talking about Libya and American foreign policy in Iraq and Afghanistain. What do you think of the current Administration's foreign policy and if elected President, what would you do different? Congressman Paul, you start."
"Well, we need to bring our troops home", Ron Paul began. "We went into Afghanistain and Iraq both without a formal declaration of war by Congress. The President can't do that. Only Congress can. So if we could just march our troops in there, we can just march them out. As for Libya, let the United Nations handle that situation. But Quadafi is a crazy man. That's for sure."
"Speaking of crazy men", Governor Palin interjected, "I met Charlie Sheen last night. He's a great guy, but he kept asking me for Bristol's phone number and claiming to be winning."
"I've never won anything in my life", Joan Rivers remarked. "I entered a beauty contest and came in third. The only other entrant was a Russian girl with a full beard. Her name was Boris."
"Did I tell you that I can see Russia from my house?", Governor Palin interjected.
"We're getting off the subject", Kernit said. "Mr. Trump, what do you think about our current foreign policy?"
"I think we should take all of our current leaders and fire them", Trump said. "They're obviously incompetent and not getting the job done. And I have a question for you, Kernit?"
"Yes, Mr. Trump?", Kernit asked.
"What qualifies you to sit there and moderate our debate. How qualified are you for this role?", Trump asked.
"As qualified as you are to be President, Mr. Trump", Kermit responded. "Hi yo!"
"Very well", Trump said. "You're fired!"
"You can't fire me", Kermit said. "This is a Fox News sponsered debate."
"Well, if we have a Celebrity Apprentice next year, come on the show and I'll fire you then", Trump said.
"Have your people call my agent", Kermit replied. "Mr. Flair, you're wanting to get in on this?"
"I've been to Libya. I"ve been to Japan. I've been to Iraq. I've been to Canada and Mexico. I've been to Charlotte, NC and Chicago, IL and Los Angeles and Vegas..."
"So, Mr. Flair, is there a point to all of this? You've traveled around the world. We know that", Kernit said.
"Hell, I've even been to Governor Palin's house in Alaska. Did you know you can see Russia from there?", Flair continued.
"It's true. You can!", Sarah Palin remarked, nodding her head.
"And the thing that all of these places have in common is that when the Nature Boy came to town... Wooooooooo! The women lined up for blocks and we partied all night long! Woooooooo!"
"I was in a line once to meet Flair", Joan Rivers remarked. "At least I thought it was a line to meet RIc Flair. Turns out it was a line for a soup kitchen instead. Great beef bistro."
"Baby, you can come visit Space Mountain anytime", Flair said as he strutted around his podium. "Whooooooooo!"
"Can we please get back to the debate", Kermit said. "You people are a bunch of animals and considering the crowd I work with, that's saying something."
"I love the Muppets", Trump said. "Miss Piggy reminds me of my second wife."
"I think Miss Piggy was your second wife", Joan Rivers remarked.
"I think you're right. I'll have to check with my accountant and see who gets the checks each month", Trump said.
"No, Miss Piggy was not your second wife", Kermit said. "She's my.... never mind. Can we get back to the questions?"
"Are you sure it wasn't Miss Piggy?", Trump said.
"Maybe it was Kirstie Alley?, Ron Paul suggested.
"Or Boy George?", Joan Rivers added.
"Doesn't matter", Trump said. "She was fired anyhow."
"Please... the debate!", Kermit said, trying to regain control.
"Stylin and profilin', bleeding, sweating and paying the price... diamonds are forever and so is Ric Flair. Woooooooo!", Ric Flair shouted.
"Please... we have one more question. Can I at least ask this last question?", Kernit said.
"Of course, Frog", Trump said. "What is your last question before I fire you?"
"Right now, I wish someone would fire me", Kermit sighed. "Geez!"
"We're sorry, Kermit", Governor Palin said. "We just got a little carried away trying to explain to the world why Barack Obama is a tax-spending liberal who's running this country into the ground and destroying our economy. Drill baby drill!"
"That almost made sense", Kermit admitted.
"What almost made sense?", Governor Palin asked. "Did you know you can see Russia..."
"From your house", everyone on the panel finished the sentence for her.
"We get it, Governor", Ron Paul said. "And you're right, as scary as that is, we need to get in there and overhaul our ecomony and get rid of the current President and help make this country strong again as it should be."
"Speaking of strong, I tried on a new perfume yesterday", Joan Rivers interjected. "It was supposed to draw the men like flies. Instead, it only drew flies. I smelled like Latoya Jackson."
"Please, let me give the last question", Kermit sighed loudly.
"Go ahead", Joan said. "We're not stopping you."
"Okay, this question came from the moderator, Peter Griffin. I'd like each of you to answer.", Kermit said. "What is the word! Governor Palin, you start!"
"For me, the word is energy, because we can't rebuild to be the nuimber one nation in the world until we solve our energy problems and get the gas prices back where they need to be and we can only do that by drilling", Governor Palin answered.
"Mr. Flair?", Kermit said.
"The word is stylin and profilin all night long with the Nature Boy. Woooooooooooo!", Flair said.
"Of course", Kermit replied. "Mr. Trump?"
"Jobs!", Trump said.
"Care to elaborate?", Kermit asked.
Trump just stared straight ahead.
"Okay, Congressman Paul, you're next", Kermit continued.
"The world is the economy", Paul said. "Until we get this economy fixed, nothing else can be fixed."
"Sounds good", Kermit said. "And Joan Rivers?"
"Kermit, I've been around for a long time", Joan said. "And the only words that matter are sex appeal. If you have it, you've got it made. Don't believe me? Look at Britney Spears. An okay singer and not too bright, but she flashes that trick pelvis and the men go crazy. She's hot! It's true!"
"Joanie, you've always been a hot and sexy Mama to me", Ric Flair interjected. "Woooooooooo!"
"Yeah, but who are you?", Joan said to Flair. "I saw you backstage trying to hook up with Ariana Huffington, for goodness sakes."
"I didn't think anyone saw that", Flair sighed. "Woooooo!"
"And true, she's a billionaire, but wow, what a dog. Her face looks like an ad for adopt-a-pet", Joan said.
"She's a billionaire?", Trump asked. "Maybe she's one of my ex-wives?"
"We're getting out of control again", Kermit said. "How much time do we have left?"
After getting a reply from producers, Kermit spoke once more.
"FIrst off, I'm required to tell you that the word is bird", Kermit said. "Yes, bird is the word!"
At that moment, a group of muppets, led by Family Guy's Peter Griffin, came dancing across the stage.
"Bird, bird bird... bird is the word", they sang.
Everyone just sat in stunned silence as they moved quickly and danced to the cameras and back off the stage again, with the muppet, Animal, closing up the dance routine by yelling "Birdie" and chasing a chicken across the stage, feathers flying everywhere.
Peter Griffin looked at the group and into the camera.
"Bird is the word!", he said before following the rest of his entourage off the stage.
The cameras turned back to Kermit who had the most exasperated look on his face.
"And we're out of time", Kermit said. "And thank goodness for that. My thanks to everyone for participating in the first of what will be a very long and insane political season, leading up to the elections of 2012. Pray for us! We're going to need it!"
THE END!!!!!
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