MUSIC SURVEY (Thanks Pearl)
**Use your music player and put it on shuffle to get your answers. Press forward each time*
EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING? "Fly Like An Eagle" - The Steve Miller Band
LONGEST RELATIONSHIP? "My Michelle" - Guns & Roses
LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED? "Star Wars Gangsta Rap" - Weird Al Yankovic
EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE? "Whip It" - Divo
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? "Unchained" by Van Halen
THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON? "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart
LAST FOOD YOU ATE? "The Fine Line" by Montgomery Gentry
FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? "Kool Aid Man" by Dane Cook
ONE FAVORITE SONG? "Santa Fe" from the "Rent" Soundtrack
WHERE DO YOU LIVE? "Serious" - Alice Cooper
HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED? "Patches" by Clarence Carter
CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER? "Exactly Like You" - Regis Philbin
FAVORITE MALL STORE? "Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo" - Bloodhound Gang
LONGEST JOB YOU HAD? "The Righteous & The Wicked" - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE? "Epiphany" - Staind
DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE? "There's No Me Without You" - The Manhattans
LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED? "Love's A Loaded Gun" - Alice Cooper
FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY? "One Boy, One Girl" - Colin Raye
LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND? "Dream On" - Aerosmith
]
FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? "That's How We Do It In Dixie" - Hank Jr.
BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD? "Back At One" - Brian McKnight
WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS? "Sandy" - John Travolta
CAN YOU COOK? "Wobble Wobble" - 504 Boys
LAST TIME YOU CRIED? "Get Ready" - Sublime
MOST DISLIKED FOODS? '\"Junkie" - Poe
THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? "Ain't Going Down Until The Sun Comes Up" - Garth Brooks (LMFAO!)
THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF? "Three Times A Lady" - Commadores
FAVORITE MOVIE? "The Greeting Song" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
CAN YOU SING? "I Can't Stand The Rain" - Tina Turner
LAST CONCERT ATTENDED? "Human Beings" - Van Halen
LAST MOVIE RENTED? "Rock Steady" - Bad Company
ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT? "Bennie and The Jets" - Elton John
FAVORITE VACATION SPOT? "Billy" - Waylon Jennings
LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER? "Desire" - U2
SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES? "Tweeter & The Monkey Man" - Traveling Wilburys
WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT? "Don't Cry Joni" - Conway Twitty
DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK? "Walking To New Orleans" - Fats Domino
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE? "Take Him Back" - Monica
PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST? "Blood Sugar Sex Magik" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
DO YOU LIKE COFFEE? "Push It" - Salt n' Pepa
LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? "The Lady Is A Tramp" Sinatra
LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST? "Hard Luck Woman" - Garth Brooks
WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED? "Are The Good Times Really Over" - Merle Haggard
NUMBER OF PILLOWS? "I'm Always Thinking About You" - Teddy Pendergrass
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? "Poison" - Alice Cooper
CAN YOU SWIM? "I Just Wanna Be God" - Alice Cooper
FAVORITE ICE CREAM? "Hard To Handle" - Black Crowes
DO YOU LIKE MAPS? "Give My Love To Rose" - Johnny Cash
TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF? "I'm An Ugly Girl (Anti-Barbie Song)" - Aqua
EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY? "What Do You Want From Me" - Alice Cooper
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? "Shining Star" - Manhattans
LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID? "Get Out!" - Sublime
WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING? "Kiss Me Deadly" - Lita Ford
BEST THING ABOUT WINTER? "Uncle Fuker" - South Park Movie Soundtrack
LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET? "One I Love, The" - REM
WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND? "Meet Virginia" - Train
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? "Is Anyone Home" - Alice Cooper
ARE YOU SMILING? "Unanswered Prayers" - Garth Brooks
DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? "The Beautiful Ones" - Prince
IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO? "I Will Follow" - U2
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT? "One Way Or Another" - The Pretenders
DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH? "Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone" -- Cinderella
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE? "Creep" - Rockstar Supernova
DO YOU HAVE A SISTER? "7HP" - soce the elemental wizard
ARE YOU UPSTAIRS? "Lady" - Styx
ARE YOU IN LOVE? "Somebody" - Bryan Adams
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL? "The Heart of Rock & Roll" - Huey Lewis
DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW? "It's So Easy" - Buddy Holly
WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING? "The Last Chance Texaco" - Rickie Lee Jones
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY? "Old Habits" - Hank Jr.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News (Part 3 of 5): October 1, 2011
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series - Part 3
October 1, 2011
Doug Maynard
Guess who's back? Back again? No fair, you peeked. I'm Doug and this is the 3rd part of my "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" series. What I'm doing is taking a look at the entire WWE roster, from A to Z, and analyzing every single superstar to decide, in my humble opinion, who I would keep and who I would future-endeavor, if I was the one making the decisons, to help freshen up the WWE and make things strong and fresh again.
Over the past two columns, I've taken a look at all of the Superstars of the RAW brand. And after much analysis, soul searching and a few flips of a coin, the following changes to the RAW roster would be made, if I was the man with the plan.
Safe and Sound: The Miz, R-Truth, Alberto Del Rio, Beth Phoenix, CM Punk, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Eve, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Jim Ross, John Cena, Justin Roberts, Kharma, Kofi Kingston, Mason Ryan, Michael Cole, Michael McGillicutty, Mr. McMahon, Primo, Ricardo Rodriguez, Skip Shefield, Santino, Triple H, Vickie Guerrero and Zack Ryder.
Hit the road, Jack: Kevin Nash, Alex Riley, The Big Show, Brie Bella, Curt Hawkins, David Otunga, Gail Kim, Jerry Lawler, John Laurinaitis, John Morrison, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Maryse, Niki Bella, Rey Mysterio and Scott Stanford.
And with that completed, now let's move a few channels down the TV dial and over to SyFy and the faces of WWE Friday Night Smackdown.
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series (Part 3 of 5) - WWE Smackdown
There's no time for love, Mr. Jones. Let's get right to it.
A.J.: She just doesn't do anything for me. It's that simple. I understand that she's relatively new to the WWE and still learning, but that should have been taken care of before she was brought up to the main roster. Once she's on the big stage, it's sink or swim and I think she's sinking fast. She's gone.
Askana: It's only been a few weeks and so far, she's shown me absolutely nothing. I'm not even sure what exactly her role is supposed to be and after a month, that's just not a good sign. She's gone!
Alicia Fox: I like Alicia. She's got a unique look and is okay in the ring. She needs to work on her in-ring technique a bit, but she's passable. I think she has a strong upside to her and could be a major player in rebuilding the Divas division. She's safe.
Booker T: Booker is NOT a good announcer at all, but he is entertaining and still has a strong presence. Let him work as an interviewer and wrestle more often instead of attempting to do the commentary bit. Plus, use him for another season of Tough Enough. He still has a lot to offer the WWE and it's been a while since he's been a major player so he would have a freshness about him. Keep him.
Brodus Clay: He's a modern day monster. Keep him and use him in a hired-muscle type of role. Brodus stays!
Christian: No need to explain this one. I'm a Peep for life. Christian stays!
Cody Rhodes: His promos are great and this character he's developed over the past year has all sorts of potential. He's so twisted and demented with this role as the "disfigured victim" that he reminds me of an updated version of Jake Roberts. It's exactly what you would expect from a guy with Cody's upbringing and family history. He's a big star now and he's only going to get bigger. He's safe.
Daniel Bryan: Despite bad booking, Bryan is still over with the crowd. There is so much that can be done with this guy. He's great in the ring, a fair talker, and just a major player waiting to happen. Use him as benefits a man who headlined cards in Ring of Honor and Japan, under the name "The American Dragon". He's a diamond in the rough and I'd keep him around, polish him up and push him hard, fast and strong.
Ezekiel Jackson: Big Zeke has so much potential and the WWE is just wasting it and him in my eyes. His wrestling skills are not the best and he's not a great talker, but he has a presence that is hard to match. Even among the muscleheads that frequent the WWE locker rooms, he stands out. He's another example of a guy that needs a manager to be his mouthpiece. He's a future star if used right and I'd like to see the WWE do it. Keep him.
Heath Slater: The "One Man Southern Band" is okay in the ring and fair on the mic, but he just doesn't do much for me. He's got potential, but he's not really what you would call a "big time player". He needs to go out and learn, develop his character, improve his skills and step up his game. Sometime in the future, he might be ready to be a WWE Superstar. But he's not ready for it yet. He's gone.
Hornswoggle: Goodbye!
Jack Korpela: Who? Isn't he an announcer? Don't know for sure because I never see him anywhere. He's gone.
Jey Uso: I like the look and they (he and his brother, Jimmy, have potential to be a top tag team for the WWE. They've got skills. They're safe.
Jimmy Uso: Read what I wrote about Jey. Ditto! Safe!
Jinder Mahal: A great look, but he's fizzled awfully quickly since his debut on Smackdown. The in-ring work is a bit sloppy though and he needs to work on that before bring part of the big show. He's getting the boot!
Johnny Curtis: He looked good on NXT, but he's been barely an afterthought since his debut on Smackdown. And I'm not sure if it's just bad booking on the part of the WWE Creative Teams or just that Curtis really doesn't have anything to offer the WWE? It's hard to say. I'm going to give the guy a chance though and assume it's the usual poor decision making that is so strong in the WWE over the past few years. If booked right, he might be someone to look at in the future and build on. He's safe.
Josh Matthews: He's probably the best announcer in the WWE right now who's not from Oklahoma and named Jim Ross. Josh is a talented guy and he's definitely safe.
Justin Gabriel: I like this guy. He's got some good moves and a good look. And he's a sexy beast! He's sticking around for a while.
Kaitlyn: Time for some great poetry. Beth is good and Melina was a whore - I'm keeping Eve, but showing Kaitlyn the door. Hey Snitsky, eat your heart out!
And that's only the beginning. Tomorrow, we get to butcher, I mean "analyze and review" the rest of the Superstars of the Smackdown brand. It should be fun.
And now, before I close for the day, I've got a few more ideas for some shows to help fill up some airtime on the upcoming WWE Network that is due to be up and running by the end of next year. And here they are...
"The Odd Couple": This remake of the classic TV series has CM Punk and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin forced to share an apartment in New York City. With William Regal guest starring as their landlord. Let the laughs begin.
"Tales of the Crypt": Another remake of a classic series, with Paul Bearer as the host, introducing films and making cryptic comments. Kane, The Undertaker. The ECW Zombie and the Boogeyman can also make appearances.
"Conspiracy Theory": R-Truth can host this show which looks into famous scandals and legends, which will give Truth the chance to explain how it's all the fault of Little Jimmy and why he hates spiders. Co-hosted by The Miz & Chris Jericho.
"Masterpiece Theatre": Classic movies, such as "The Chaperone", "See No Evil", "The Marine", and "The Marine II", hosted by "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Why not? They're going to be showing those movies quite often anyhow and Chris needs a job.
I need to go work for WWE Creative. Hey Vince, call me! That's all for me now. I'll be back tomorow and we'll finish putting the boots to Smackdown. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook, come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug. See you tomorrow - same Bat time, same Bat station. Have a good one.
Ubuntu!
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series - Part 3
October 1, 2011
Doug Maynard
Guess who's back? Back again? No fair, you peeked. I'm Doug and this is the 3rd part of my "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" series. What I'm doing is taking a look at the entire WWE roster, from A to Z, and analyzing every single superstar to decide, in my humble opinion, who I would keep and who I would future-endeavor, if I was the one making the decisons, to help freshen up the WWE and make things strong and fresh again.
Over the past two columns, I've taken a look at all of the Superstars of the RAW brand. And after much analysis, soul searching and a few flips of a coin, the following changes to the RAW roster would be made, if I was the man with the plan.
Safe and Sound: The Miz, R-Truth, Alberto Del Rio, Beth Phoenix, CM Punk, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Eve, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Jim Ross, John Cena, Justin Roberts, Kharma, Kofi Kingston, Mason Ryan, Michael Cole, Michael McGillicutty, Mr. McMahon, Primo, Ricardo Rodriguez, Skip Shefield, Santino, Triple H, Vickie Guerrero and Zack Ryder.
Hit the road, Jack: Kevin Nash, Alex Riley, The Big Show, Brie Bella, Curt Hawkins, David Otunga, Gail Kim, Jerry Lawler, John Laurinaitis, John Morrison, JTG, Kelly Kelly, Maryse, Niki Bella, Rey Mysterio and Scott Stanford.
And with that completed, now let's move a few channels down the TV dial and over to SyFy and the faces of WWE Friday Night Smackdown.
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series (Part 3 of 5) - WWE Smackdown
There's no time for love, Mr. Jones. Let's get right to it.
A.J.: She just doesn't do anything for me. It's that simple. I understand that she's relatively new to the WWE and still learning, but that should have been taken care of before she was brought up to the main roster. Once she's on the big stage, it's sink or swim and I think she's sinking fast. She's gone.
Askana: It's only been a few weeks and so far, she's shown me absolutely nothing. I'm not even sure what exactly her role is supposed to be and after a month, that's just not a good sign. She's gone!
Alicia Fox: I like Alicia. She's got a unique look and is okay in the ring. She needs to work on her in-ring technique a bit, but she's passable. I think she has a strong upside to her and could be a major player in rebuilding the Divas division. She's safe.
Booker T: Booker is NOT a good announcer at all, but he is entertaining and still has a strong presence. Let him work as an interviewer and wrestle more often instead of attempting to do the commentary bit. Plus, use him for another season of Tough Enough. He still has a lot to offer the WWE and it's been a while since he's been a major player so he would have a freshness about him. Keep him.
Brodus Clay: He's a modern day monster. Keep him and use him in a hired-muscle type of role. Brodus stays!
Christian: No need to explain this one. I'm a Peep for life. Christian stays!
Cody Rhodes: His promos are great and this character he's developed over the past year has all sorts of potential. He's so twisted and demented with this role as the "disfigured victim" that he reminds me of an updated version of Jake Roberts. It's exactly what you would expect from a guy with Cody's upbringing and family history. He's a big star now and he's only going to get bigger. He's safe.
Daniel Bryan: Despite bad booking, Bryan is still over with the crowd. There is so much that can be done with this guy. He's great in the ring, a fair talker, and just a major player waiting to happen. Use him as benefits a man who headlined cards in Ring of Honor and Japan, under the name "The American Dragon". He's a diamond in the rough and I'd keep him around, polish him up and push him hard, fast and strong.
Ezekiel Jackson: Big Zeke has so much potential and the WWE is just wasting it and him in my eyes. His wrestling skills are not the best and he's not a great talker, but he has a presence that is hard to match. Even among the muscleheads that frequent the WWE locker rooms, he stands out. He's another example of a guy that needs a manager to be his mouthpiece. He's a future star if used right and I'd like to see the WWE do it. Keep him.
Heath Slater: The "One Man Southern Band" is okay in the ring and fair on the mic, but he just doesn't do much for me. He's got potential, but he's not really what you would call a "big time player". He needs to go out and learn, develop his character, improve his skills and step up his game. Sometime in the future, he might be ready to be a WWE Superstar. But he's not ready for it yet. He's gone.
Hornswoggle: Goodbye!
Jack Korpela: Who? Isn't he an announcer? Don't know for sure because I never see him anywhere. He's gone.
Jey Uso: I like the look and they (he and his brother, Jimmy, have potential to be a top tag team for the WWE. They've got skills. They're safe.
Jimmy Uso: Read what I wrote about Jey. Ditto! Safe!
Jinder Mahal: A great look, but he's fizzled awfully quickly since his debut on Smackdown. The in-ring work is a bit sloppy though and he needs to work on that before bring part of the big show. He's getting the boot!
Johnny Curtis: He looked good on NXT, but he's been barely an afterthought since his debut on Smackdown. And I'm not sure if it's just bad booking on the part of the WWE Creative Teams or just that Curtis really doesn't have anything to offer the WWE? It's hard to say. I'm going to give the guy a chance though and assume it's the usual poor decision making that is so strong in the WWE over the past few years. If booked right, he might be someone to look at in the future and build on. He's safe.
Josh Matthews: He's probably the best announcer in the WWE right now who's not from Oklahoma and named Jim Ross. Josh is a talented guy and he's definitely safe.
Justin Gabriel: I like this guy. He's got some good moves and a good look. And he's a sexy beast! He's sticking around for a while.
Kaitlyn: Time for some great poetry. Beth is good and Melina was a whore - I'm keeping Eve, but showing Kaitlyn the door. Hey Snitsky, eat your heart out!
And that's only the beginning. Tomorrow, we get to butcher, I mean "analyze and review" the rest of the Superstars of the Smackdown brand. It should be fun.
And now, before I close for the day, I've got a few more ideas for some shows to help fill up some airtime on the upcoming WWE Network that is due to be up and running by the end of next year. And here they are...
"The Odd Couple": This remake of the classic TV series has CM Punk and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin forced to share an apartment in New York City. With William Regal guest starring as their landlord. Let the laughs begin.
"Tales of the Crypt": Another remake of a classic series, with Paul Bearer as the host, introducing films and making cryptic comments. Kane, The Undertaker. The ECW Zombie and the Boogeyman can also make appearances.
"Conspiracy Theory": R-Truth can host this show which looks into famous scandals and legends, which will give Truth the chance to explain how it's all the fault of Little Jimmy and why he hates spiders. Co-hosted by The Miz & Chris Jericho.
"Masterpiece Theatre": Classic movies, such as "The Chaperone", "See No Evil", "The Marine", and "The Marine II", hosted by "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Why not? They're going to be showing those movies quite often anyhow and Chris needs a job.
I need to go work for WWE Creative. Hey Vince, call me! That's all for me now. I'll be back tomorow and we'll finish putting the boots to Smackdown. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook, come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug. See you tomorrow - same Bat time, same Bat station. Have a good one.
Ubuntu!
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News (Part 2 of 5) - September 30, 2011
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series - Part 2
September 30, 2011
Doug Maynard
And here we are, back again. It's Part 2 of my series of columns, trimming up the roster in the WWE. So what I'm going to do is go over the entire WWE roster, from RAW and from Smackdown, and simply give my opinion, if I was in charge, who I would fire and who I would keep around and what exactly I would do with each character, if they're safe and don't get pink-slipped, to make them be more productive and helpful to attract fans and increase the marketability of the WWE to the masses.
I'll look at the second part of the RAW roster in this column and then tomorrow, I'll begin to tackle the stars of Smackdown. And in the final and fifth column of this series, I'll name some names that I would try, again if I was in charge and had the option, to bring in to fill the voids my mass firings would create and give the WWE a whole new direction and freshness.
Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Yesterday, I took a look at three "Alumni" members of the WWE roster, who were recently "fired", but we all know better, as well as the first twenty names of WWE RAW as listed on WWE.com. And here's what we came up with.
Safe on RAW and sticking around for the forseeable future are the following: The Miz, R-Truth. Alberto Del Rio, Beth Phoenix, CM Punk, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Eve, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Jim Ross and John Cena.
And getting the proverbial boot in the butt out the door are these folks: Kevin Nash, Alex Riley, The Big Show, Brie Bella, Curt Hawkins, David Otunga, Gail Kim, Jerry Lawler, John Laurinaitis and John Morrison.
And now, let's move on and finish up with the Rawbies. Let the massacre continue
.
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor (Part 2 of 5) - WWE RAW
JTG: Is he even still around? Ever since Cryme Tyme broke up and Shad left the WWE to go to Hollywood, JTG has just been drifting around with no career direction. Well, I'm here to give him a career direction - out the door. Of the two members of Cryme Tyme, Shad had the bigger upside. JTG was along for the ride. The ride is over. He goes.
Justin Roberts: He's a ring announcer and a damn good one at that. He's safe.
Kelly Kelly: I hate to see her come up on my TV screen on Monday's and I think she's a female version of John Cena, but with far less talent. He has "five moves" while she has only about "three moves" in her arsenal. But people like her. Well, some do anyhow. And she is better than she was a few years ago. Hell, I don't know. I'm trying to be fair, but having Kelly Kelly there is an insult to the Divas of the past like Lita, Trish, Ivory, etc., who could look good AND wrestle. To hell with her. She's gone!
Kharma: Keep her. Build her when she comes back. And match her against Beth Phoenix in a kick-ass feud. 'Nuff said!
Kofi Kingston: Again, he's not one of my favorites, but he's got a strong appeal and upside to him. He's likable and sells merchandise and the kids love him. He's a good worker with a unique set of moves. He's safe.
Maryse: She's been out of action for a while with an injury and no one has really noticed. That says it all right there. She's gone.
Mason Ryan: He's got a great look and presence, but aside from that, he's still a relatively unknown factor for the majority of the WWE Universe. If he has the talk to go along with that body, he's a superstar in the making. Let's keep him around and see what he can do. He's safe.
Michael Cole: This is a tough call. He's annoying as heck in the announce position, but he knows how to work a crowd and draw heat like few others. And when he's not playing the obnoxious character, he's actually a very good announcer. I think the positives outweigh the negatives where Cole is concerned. I'd keep him, but I'd give him a change in his role with the company. I'd make him a manager / mentor with a stable of wrestlers who aren't especially gifted in the art of speaking. That way, Cole could get them over as their mouth-piece instead of just annoying everyone at the announce table. He's safe.
Michael McGillicutty: Drop the stupid name, let the man use his real last name and do what we all know he's capable of in the ring. The man is a third generation superstar with a "perfect" pedigree. Use him as such and push him to the moon. I would. He's safe.
Mr. McMahon: He's the boss and unfortunately, we're stuck with him. So Vince gets to stay, but he can spend all of his time helping Linda with her Senate campaign and signing the checks. But so far as the rest of the product goes, he needs to just keep the hands off.
Niki Bella: She looks good and she's a twin, but aside from that, there really isn't much there. She's gone.
Primo: Does anyone remember how popular Carlito was when he first started with the WWE? Primo is capable of being that and so much more, but he needs to be majorly repackaged into the guy he was in Puerto Rico before coming to the WWE. He was way over with the crowds. He could wrestle. He could talk. He could brawl. He had that "it" factor. Then he came to the WWE, got repackaged as "Primo" and lost him way. But he has the skills and tools to be big. It's just a matter of bringing them back to the forefront. He stays.
Ricardo Rodriguez: I like what he adds to the Del Rio character. And reports from Florida and the developmental area say he's a good wrestler. I think he's got a future here. Keep him.
Skip Shefield: He's been out for a while with injuries, but I think he's got the potential to be someone that needs watching. He has a unique look about him and stands out from the crowd. That's a big plus! With someone like Michael Cole or Vickie as his manager, he could really make an impact in the WWE (if he ever heals up, that is). I'd keep him around for a while and see what develops. He's safe.
Rey Mysterio: As talented as Rey is, he's injury prone and his best days are behind him. With Sin Cara on the roster, he's not even the only masked guy anymore. Rey was special and unique. That's no longer true. So give him a nice severence package, sign him to a Legends deal for special occasions, and show him the door. He's gone!
Santino Marella: It's Santino! He's funny! He stays!
Scott Stanford: Who? Can him!
Triple H: He's married to the boss's daughter. We can't get rid of him. So we just have to use him better or else keep him hidden behind the curtain. But either way, we're stuck with him.
Tyler Reks: Who? He's gone too.
Vickie Guerrero: She knows how to get heat and she's a Guerrero. With just two words from her mouth, she can ignite an entire arena in seconds. That is talent. That is Vickie. She's definitely safe.
Zack Ryder: He's over with the fans. He's exciting and fresh! He's the Internet Champion. He's safe! Woo Woo Woo - you know it!
And there you go. That concludes the RAW part of this series, but have no fear because the cast and crew of Friday Night Smackdown will be getting the smackdown on their rooty-poo candy asses tomorrow. 'Nuff said!
Where are you going? We're not done yet. Just like yesterday, I've got a few more ideas for television shows for the upcoming WWE Network, to help fill some of the airtime between all of the promos and piledrivers. So here you go...
"The Dukes of Stamford": A remake of the old show "Dukes of Hazzard", but this time, based in Stamford, CT, the home of the WWE. With Dolph Ziggler and Ted DiBiase as "Bo & Luke Duke". Kelly Kelly as "Daisy". Jim Ross as "Boss Ross". Hillbilly Jim as "Uncle Jesse". And Husky Harris as "Cooter". It'd be a hit for sure.
"Smurfs Of New York": Just paint Rey Mysterio and Hornswoggle blue and send them out wandering the streets of New York City. Hillarity ensues.
"Ron.O": Former WWE Superstar Ron Simmons watches videos from the internet and comments on each one as only he can do. "DAMN!"
That's just a few ideas. Don't worry. I have more (Lord help us all!). And that's it for me today. Comments and questions can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook (and who isn't, then come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and just like the Anonymous Raw General Manager ever since Triple H came back to TV, I am gone and outta here! See you tomorrow.
Ubuntu!
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor Series - Part 2
September 30, 2011
Doug Maynard
And here we are, back again. It's Part 2 of my series of columns, trimming up the roster in the WWE. So what I'm going to do is go over the entire WWE roster, from RAW and from Smackdown, and simply give my opinion, if I was in charge, who I would fire and who I would keep around and what exactly I would do with each character, if they're safe and don't get pink-slipped, to make them be more productive and helpful to attract fans and increase the marketability of the WWE to the masses.
I'll look at the second part of the RAW roster in this column and then tomorrow, I'll begin to tackle the stars of Smackdown. And in the final and fifth column of this series, I'll name some names that I would try, again if I was in charge and had the option, to bring in to fill the voids my mass firings would create and give the WWE a whole new direction and freshness.
Sounds easy enough, doesn't it?
Yesterday, I took a look at three "Alumni" members of the WWE roster, who were recently "fired", but we all know better, as well as the first twenty names of WWE RAW as listed on WWE.com. And here's what we came up with.
Safe on RAW and sticking around for the forseeable future are the following: The Miz, R-Truth. Alberto Del Rio, Beth Phoenix, CM Punk, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne, Eve, Goldust, Jack Swagger, Jim Ross and John Cena.
And getting the proverbial boot in the butt out the door are these folks: Kevin Nash, Alex Riley, The Big Show, Brie Bella, Curt Hawkins, David Otunga, Gail Kim, Jerry Lawler, John Laurinaitis and John Morrison.
And now, let's move on and finish up with the Rawbies. Let the massacre continue
.
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor (Part 2 of 5) - WWE RAW
JTG: Is he even still around? Ever since Cryme Tyme broke up and Shad left the WWE to go to Hollywood, JTG has just been drifting around with no career direction. Well, I'm here to give him a career direction - out the door. Of the two members of Cryme Tyme, Shad had the bigger upside. JTG was along for the ride. The ride is over. He goes.
Justin Roberts: He's a ring announcer and a damn good one at that. He's safe.
Kelly Kelly: I hate to see her come up on my TV screen on Monday's and I think she's a female version of John Cena, but with far less talent. He has "five moves" while she has only about "three moves" in her arsenal. But people like her. Well, some do anyhow. And she is better than she was a few years ago. Hell, I don't know. I'm trying to be fair, but having Kelly Kelly there is an insult to the Divas of the past like Lita, Trish, Ivory, etc., who could look good AND wrestle. To hell with her. She's gone!
Kharma: Keep her. Build her when she comes back. And match her against Beth Phoenix in a kick-ass feud. 'Nuff said!
Kofi Kingston: Again, he's not one of my favorites, but he's got a strong appeal and upside to him. He's likable and sells merchandise and the kids love him. He's a good worker with a unique set of moves. He's safe.
Maryse: She's been out of action for a while with an injury and no one has really noticed. That says it all right there. She's gone.
Mason Ryan: He's got a great look and presence, but aside from that, he's still a relatively unknown factor for the majority of the WWE Universe. If he has the talk to go along with that body, he's a superstar in the making. Let's keep him around and see what he can do. He's safe.
Michael Cole: This is a tough call. He's annoying as heck in the announce position, but he knows how to work a crowd and draw heat like few others. And when he's not playing the obnoxious character, he's actually a very good announcer. I think the positives outweigh the negatives where Cole is concerned. I'd keep him, but I'd give him a change in his role with the company. I'd make him a manager / mentor with a stable of wrestlers who aren't especially gifted in the art of speaking. That way, Cole could get them over as their mouth-piece instead of just annoying everyone at the announce table. He's safe.
Michael McGillicutty: Drop the stupid name, let the man use his real last name and do what we all know he's capable of in the ring. The man is a third generation superstar with a "perfect" pedigree. Use him as such and push him to the moon. I would. He's safe.
Mr. McMahon: He's the boss and unfortunately, we're stuck with him. So Vince gets to stay, but he can spend all of his time helping Linda with her Senate campaign and signing the checks. But so far as the rest of the product goes, he needs to just keep the hands off.
Niki Bella: She looks good and she's a twin, but aside from that, there really isn't much there. She's gone.
Primo: Does anyone remember how popular Carlito was when he first started with the WWE? Primo is capable of being that and so much more, but he needs to be majorly repackaged into the guy he was in Puerto Rico before coming to the WWE. He was way over with the crowds. He could wrestle. He could talk. He could brawl. He had that "it" factor. Then he came to the WWE, got repackaged as "Primo" and lost him way. But he has the skills and tools to be big. It's just a matter of bringing them back to the forefront. He stays.
Ricardo Rodriguez: I like what he adds to the Del Rio character. And reports from Florida and the developmental area say he's a good wrestler. I think he's got a future here. Keep him.
Skip Shefield: He's been out for a while with injuries, but I think he's got the potential to be someone that needs watching. He has a unique look about him and stands out from the crowd. That's a big plus! With someone like Michael Cole or Vickie as his manager, he could really make an impact in the WWE (if he ever heals up, that is). I'd keep him around for a while and see what develops. He's safe.
Rey Mysterio: As talented as Rey is, he's injury prone and his best days are behind him. With Sin Cara on the roster, he's not even the only masked guy anymore. Rey was special and unique. That's no longer true. So give him a nice severence package, sign him to a Legends deal for special occasions, and show him the door. He's gone!
Santino Marella: It's Santino! He's funny! He stays!
Scott Stanford: Who? Can him!
Triple H: He's married to the boss's daughter. We can't get rid of him. So we just have to use him better or else keep him hidden behind the curtain. But either way, we're stuck with him.
Tyler Reks: Who? He's gone too.
Vickie Guerrero: She knows how to get heat and she's a Guerrero. With just two words from her mouth, she can ignite an entire arena in seconds. That is talent. That is Vickie. She's definitely safe.
Zack Ryder: He's over with the fans. He's exciting and fresh! He's the Internet Champion. He's safe! Woo Woo Woo - you know it!
And there you go. That concludes the RAW part of this series, but have no fear because the cast and crew of Friday Night Smackdown will be getting the smackdown on their rooty-poo candy asses tomorrow. 'Nuff said!
Where are you going? We're not done yet. Just like yesterday, I've got a few more ideas for television shows for the upcoming WWE Network, to help fill some of the airtime between all of the promos and piledrivers. So here you go...
"The Dukes of Stamford": A remake of the old show "Dukes of Hazzard", but this time, based in Stamford, CT, the home of the WWE. With Dolph Ziggler and Ted DiBiase as "Bo & Luke Duke". Kelly Kelly as "Daisy". Jim Ross as "Boss Ross". Hillbilly Jim as "Uncle Jesse". And Husky Harris as "Cooter". It'd be a hit for sure.
"Smurfs Of New York": Just paint Rey Mysterio and Hornswoggle blue and send them out wandering the streets of New York City. Hillarity ensues.
"Ron.O": Former WWE Superstar Ron Simmons watches videos from the internet and comments on each one as only he can do. "DAMN!"
That's just a few ideas. Don't worry. I have more (Lord help us all!). And that's it for me today. Comments and questions can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook (and who isn't, then come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and just like the Anonymous Raw General Manager ever since Triple H came back to TV, I am gone and outta here! See you tomorrow.
Ubuntu!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News (Part 1 of 5) - September 29, 2011
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor - Part 1
September 29, 2011
Doug Maynard
Greetings, salutations and how the heck are you? No, this is not a dream. I'm not Alice Cooper welcoming you to my nightmare (although if you are out and looking for some awesome sounds, Alice's new CD, "Welcome 2 My Nightmare", came out last week. It's good! It's damn good! Get it if you can. You will not be disappointed. Now what was I saying?
Oh yeah, this is Doug and I'm back to rant and rave for a little while. For the next five days actually because this is a series of columns. It's hard to get motivated these days to write, but when the fire is there, I may as well be like the brushfires in Texas and do all the damage I can, right? Right! And right now, I've got more fire going on than Melina's crotch when visiting her old friend, Dave Batista. Yeah, that was a cheap shot. Bear with me here. It's been a while. The jokes will get better (I hope!). And maybe the rest of the column will too. Stick around and we'll find out together.
Maybe it's just me, but the WWE has, for the most part lately, gotten a bit stale. Okay, it's been stale for a long, long time. We'll get the occasional bit of freshness with someone like CM Punk or Zack Ryder (Woo Woo Woo - You Know It!), but for the most part, it seems to be John Cena this and Randy Orton that and Triple H in the library with the candlestick (or sledgehammer as the case may be.) The WWE needs to make some changes. And I'm not talking about the occasional tweaking to get excite the fans, like they did with Punk, before pulling the rug out from under everyone's legs. I'm talking about real, major changes of direction.
But let's be honest. To do that, they would need to replace the creative direction of the WWE and that would mean replacing Stephanie McMahon and the so-called creative teams. And we all know that isnt going to happen. But, on the small chance it does happen and WWE cleans house of their "writers" and needs to find some new blood, I am available. Hey Vince, call me!
And since the "writers" and "creative geniuses" are pretty much off limits, unless Stephanie decides she needs a scapegoat for bad storylines and doesn't want to take responsibility, the other place to make changes and freshen things up are with the WWE Superstars. Yeppers my friends, it's time to cut the fat from the sacred cow. So what I'm going to do, for the next five days, is go over the entire WWE roster, from RAW and from Smackdown, and simply give my opinion, if I was in charge, who I would fire and who I would keep around and what exactly I would do with each character, if they're safe and don't get pink-slipped, to make them be more productive and helpful to attract fans and increase the marketability of the WWE to the masses.
I'll look at the RAW roster in this column and the one for tomorrow. And then I'll tackle the stars of Smackdown. And in the final and fifth column of this series, I'll name some names that I would try, again if I was in charge and had the option, to bring in to fill the voids my mass firings would create and give the WWE a whole new direction and freshness.
Five columns in five days. Does this sound like a plan or what?
And I'll probably throw in a few more things along the way as well. After all, the WWE has plans for an entire network sometime next year, right? Well, with an entire network, they're going to be looking for shows to fill up some of the airtime in between classic and current wrestling matches. I've got some ideas and I'll be including them as well over the next few days. Yeah, this is going to be fun.
So let's get this party started and take it down to the dance floor. Are you ready? I said, "Are you ready?". I really need to quit doing this bit. It doesn't work in the written format very well. Let's get ready to "SALT IT!"...
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor (Part 1 of 5) - WWE RAW
Let's jump right into it and start off with the superstars of WWE Monday Night RAW. Well, before I get to the actual RAW stars, let's go ahead and take care of three "Alumni" of the WWE who are all "fired" (wink wink), but are still a big part of the current and future storylines.
The Miz: Miz is exactly what he say's he is - the most "must see" WWE Superstar ever. It's hard to believe he was so annoying and hard to watch when he first came on the scene in the WWE, but he learned and grew and he's definitely the future of the company and the WWE for many years to come. Miz not only keeps his job, but he deserves a raise and a bonus as well, just for being so "Awesome!"
R Truth: I've never been a big fan of R-Truth, especially when he was kissing up to everyone in sight and doing that stupid, "What's Up?" rap is crap song. BUT, ever since he declared war on the "Little Jimmy's" and started having thoughts of a conspiracy, he's really grown, in my eyes, as an entertianer. His in-ring work isn't anything special, but the promos are pure gold. He's safe.
Kevin Nash: I actually like Kevin Nash, for the most part, and was excited to see him brought into the WWE as part of the mix in the CM Punk / HHH angle. Until I actually saw him in the angle. And he sucked! Maybe if this had led to a series of matches with CM Punk thoroughly kicking Nash's ass, it might have worked, but as it is now, Nash is more of a headache than an asset at this point and they need to go ahead and cut the losses and let him go. Nash gets the boot - repeatedly!
And now on to the first twenty names from the RAW roster...
Alberto Del Rio: He's good in the ring, gets good heat from the fans and although his star has faded slightly in the past few weeks, he's a man the WWE can build around and draw in fans, espcecially in the Latino audience. He's safe.
Alex Riley: Talk about falling from grace. Alex was shining brightly as the side-kick to The Miz, but the team was broken up and while Miz coasted along on the main event ride, RIley shined brightly for a few weeks and then seems to have burnt out. His matches have gotten sloppier and sloppier and the cheers have gotten quieter and quieter. He's got a ton of potential and upside, but as a solo act, he's not ready for prime time. Either repackage him, put him back with the Miz, or else kiss him good-bye. He's outta here!
Big Show: The Big Show used to be a big deal, but more often than not these days, he's just a big joke. Keep him under a Legends Deal and use him occasionally for special events, much like Andre the Giant was in his early days. He wasn't around very often, but when he was there, it was a big deal. Let Big Show go to Hollywood and try his hand in movies and TV. As for being a full time wrestler in the WWE, he's gone!
Beth Phoenix: Keep her! Use her! Push her to the moon as the dominating figure for the WWE Diva's division. The Glamazon has an amazing upside that has yet to even be touched and with the proper storylines and push by management, she could be a big breakout star for the WWE, aka Trish Stratus. Beth has all the tools. She just needs the opportunity. She's safe.
Brie Bella: Well, she's a twin. And she's hot. But hot chicks are a dime a dozen. And well, she's a twin. So unless she's there for the sole purpose to take part in one of John Laurinatis' playboy fantasies, I can't see any real reason she has a job. Aloha!
CM Punk: Let Punk be what he was a few weeks ago and do what he was doing a few weeks ago. He's hot and the WWE should be pushing him to the moon right now. He's the man to build around for the next several years, much as John Cena has been for the past few years. Punk is the future and he's absolutely safe!
Curt Hawkins: I remember when Hawkins was one of the Edge-heads, but what has he done since then? I can't really think of anything either. He's gone!
David Otunga: He's a lousy wrestler and a lousy promo guy. But he's married to an Academy Award winning actress and singer, Jennifer Hudson. That's a big plus and probably the only reason he's kept a job this long. Is it enough? Nope, I don't think so. He's gone!
Drew McIntyre: I remember when Drew was supposed to be Vince's personal "chosen one". And then he got moved to RAW and married a Diva, who quickly pulled a "Melina" and got herself fired. And he's been merely an after-thought ever since. But Drew has a good presence and a strong upside that makes him stand out. He's a good wrestler and with the right support and push, can be a strong upper mid-card talent for the WWE. He's safe.
Dolph Ziggler: Looking at Dolph, I am hard pressed to find any strong negatives. He's a good worker, a good talker and has a unique presence. He's definitely a keeper for the WWE.
Evan Bourne: I don't really much care for Evan and I think he's too small to be a legitimate force in the ring. But he does perform some amazing moves and has a good presence. He has charisma and makes the matches exciting, even if you don't think he has a legitimate chance to win. If the WWE was to ever re-establish the Cruiserweight Championship, Bourne would be the guy to build the division around. He's not a personal favorite, but I can see his appeal. He's safe.
Eve: She's fair in the ring and she's a nice looking woman, but she doesn't really have a personality that shines through. She's a take it or leave it type of Diva and if I'm the one cutting the checks, I'll keep her... for now. She's an unknown factor to me. I can't remember ever hearing her talk, but she is okay in the ring, so I've have her work with the agents on developing a memorable character & gimmick and tightening up on the wrestling skills. And so long as she keeps improving, she keeps her job. It's simple as that.
Gail Kim: I'm not even sure why her name is still listed on the WWE Raw roster on WWE.com since she quit a few months ago, but since she's listed as part of the roster, she gets to be given the stay or go treatment. And she can go. She doens't want to be there and there is no reason to keep someone there who has made it clear she's not happy. So for Gail Kim, we wish her well in her future endeavors. 'Nuff said!
Goldust: Dustin is still listed on the roster, but his active days are over and he's primarily working as an agent for the WWE these days. So I guess that means we might see the occasional appearance by Goldy, but those blessed moments will be few and far between. Dustin is a strong character and a locker room leader and having him as part of the WWE, in any role, is a plus. He's safe.
Jack Swagger: A strong performer and a good character with a tremendous upside. I would not only keep Jack, but insist that the so-called creative forces work and push his character to be a modern version of Kurt Angle for the WWE. He has all the tools, but just needs to find his niche and get the right push. The "All American American" is safe.
Jerry Lawler: Sign him to a Legend's deal. Remove him from the announce table and send him on his way. He's extremely stale and just going through the motions. He can do that in Memphis. The King is dead!
Jim Ross: When he's left to do his job, Jim Ross is one of the best wrestling announcers ever. When he has to argue with Michael Cole for the entire show, he's not so good. So let Jim Ross stay at the announce table. Give him a new announce partner to work with and help develop and grow. And enjoy some BBQ. That's the way it should be. Jim Ross stays as long as he wants to.
John Cena: He annoys the hell out of me personally, but John Cena is the biggest name currently in the WWE. And he sells merchandise like no other. Despite all of his flaws, and there are many, he's the ultimate WWE Superstar and representative. I'd keep him away from the WWE or World titles for a long, long time (he doesn't need them), but I'd also definitely keep him happy.
John Laurinaitis: One of the problems with WWE talent is lack of good leadership from the top. And a big part of that is the former Johnny Ace. His views and opinions of what makes a strong WWE superstar are old and stale. We need a new person in this role who can think outside the box and maybe open the WWE to wrestlers and Diva's who are not quite so cookie-cutter as the current batch. Mike Bucci (Simon Dean) would be great for this job. So would Tommy Dreamer. But as for John Laurinaitis, aka Johnny Ace, someone needs to make a phone call, as Ace has done himself so many times before, and wish him well in his future endeavors.
John Morrison: He's got a good look and good skills, but John Morrison has one major piece of baggage. Her name is Melina. I think the former WWE Diva has poisoned the waters for Morrison and ruined any chances he'll ever have of getting a major push. He needs a change of enviroment and a chance to rebuild his image and career. Maybe Japan? Maybe TNA? But not the WWE. Not right now anyhow. He's gone!
And there you go, the first twenty-three WWE Superstars to go under the knife and be evaluated. So what do you think? Am I on track so far or teetering on the edge of total insanity? Let me know what you think. The rest of the RAW roster gets the microscope treatment tomorrow.
And now, before I close, I want to throw a couple of ideas out there for some possible show ideas for the WWE and their upcoming new network. We've already heard talk about a cooking show starring The Big Show and his wife. That might be fun because you know that Big Show loves to eat. And to keep that big guy fed, his wife has to be amazing in the kitchen. (or else have the number for Domino's Pizza on her speed-dial.). So if cooking shows are an option, why not a few other shows like...
"Wake Up WIth Trish": An early morning work-out show with WWE Diva Trish Stratus demonstrating and leading a group of volunteers as she teaches Yoga.
"The B-Team": WWE Superstar Zack Ryder and his team of "Browski's", (R-Truth, Hornswoggle, Great Khali and Mae Young), travel the world, fighting evil and attempting to make the world a better place, all while filming themselves on YouTube.
"Excuse Me, Sucka!": A talk show, in the style of Live With Regis & Kelly, where WWE Superstars Vickie Guerrero and Booker T interview guests and attempt to see who can be more annoying.
"And I Quote": Short pieces to be placed in between shows with Michael Cole attempting to discuss famous quotes and catch-phrases from wrestling history, but usually just ending up talking about himself instead.
That's just a few ideas to help fill the time on the new WWE Network. Don't worry, I have more.
And on that, I am out of here. I'll be back tomorow with more nips and tucks for the WWE Superstars. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook (and who isn't, despite all the very annoying and stupid changes they've made there as of late), then come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and dat' is all de' people need to know. See you tomorrow.
Ubuntu!
Let The Bodies Hit The Floor - Part 1
September 29, 2011
Doug Maynard
Greetings, salutations and how the heck are you? No, this is not a dream. I'm not Alice Cooper welcoming you to my nightmare (although if you are out and looking for some awesome sounds, Alice's new CD, "Welcome 2 My Nightmare", came out last week. It's good! It's damn good! Get it if you can. You will not be disappointed. Now what was I saying?
Oh yeah, this is Doug and I'm back to rant and rave for a little while. For the next five days actually because this is a series of columns. It's hard to get motivated these days to write, but when the fire is there, I may as well be like the brushfires in Texas and do all the damage I can, right? Right! And right now, I've got more fire going on than Melina's crotch when visiting her old friend, Dave Batista. Yeah, that was a cheap shot. Bear with me here. It's been a while. The jokes will get better (I hope!). And maybe the rest of the column will too. Stick around and we'll find out together.
Maybe it's just me, but the WWE has, for the most part lately, gotten a bit stale. Okay, it's been stale for a long, long time. We'll get the occasional bit of freshness with someone like CM Punk or Zack Ryder (Woo Woo Woo - You Know It!), but for the most part, it seems to be John Cena this and Randy Orton that and Triple H in the library with the candlestick (or sledgehammer as the case may be.) The WWE needs to make some changes. And I'm not talking about the occasional tweaking to get excite the fans, like they did with Punk, before pulling the rug out from under everyone's legs. I'm talking about real, major changes of direction.
But let's be honest. To do that, they would need to replace the creative direction of the WWE and that would mean replacing Stephanie McMahon and the so-called creative teams. And we all know that isnt going to happen. But, on the small chance it does happen and WWE cleans house of their "writers" and needs to find some new blood, I am available. Hey Vince, call me!
And since the "writers" and "creative geniuses" are pretty much off limits, unless Stephanie decides she needs a scapegoat for bad storylines and doesn't want to take responsibility, the other place to make changes and freshen things up are with the WWE Superstars. Yeppers my friends, it's time to cut the fat from the sacred cow. So what I'm going to do, for the next five days, is go over the entire WWE roster, from RAW and from Smackdown, and simply give my opinion, if I was in charge, who I would fire and who I would keep around and what exactly I would do with each character, if they're safe and don't get pink-slipped, to make them be more productive and helpful to attract fans and increase the marketability of the WWE to the masses.
I'll look at the RAW roster in this column and the one for tomorrow. And then I'll tackle the stars of Smackdown. And in the final and fifth column of this series, I'll name some names that I would try, again if I was in charge and had the option, to bring in to fill the voids my mass firings would create and give the WWE a whole new direction and freshness.
Five columns in five days. Does this sound like a plan or what?
And I'll probably throw in a few more things along the way as well. After all, the WWE has plans for an entire network sometime next year, right? Well, with an entire network, they're going to be looking for shows to fill up some of the airtime in between classic and current wrestling matches. I've got some ideas and I'll be including them as well over the next few days. Yeah, this is going to be fun.
So let's get this party started and take it down to the dance floor. Are you ready? I said, "Are you ready?". I really need to quit doing this bit. It doesn't work in the written format very well. Let's get ready to "SALT IT!"...
Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: Let The Bodies Hit The Floor (Part 1 of 5) - WWE RAW
Let's jump right into it and start off with the superstars of WWE Monday Night RAW. Well, before I get to the actual RAW stars, let's go ahead and take care of three "Alumni" of the WWE who are all "fired" (wink wink), but are still a big part of the current and future storylines.
The Miz: Miz is exactly what he say's he is - the most "must see" WWE Superstar ever. It's hard to believe he was so annoying and hard to watch when he first came on the scene in the WWE, but he learned and grew and he's definitely the future of the company and the WWE for many years to come. Miz not only keeps his job, but he deserves a raise and a bonus as well, just for being so "Awesome!"
R Truth: I've never been a big fan of R-Truth, especially when he was kissing up to everyone in sight and doing that stupid, "What's Up?" rap is crap song. BUT, ever since he declared war on the "Little Jimmy's" and started having thoughts of a conspiracy, he's really grown, in my eyes, as an entertianer. His in-ring work isn't anything special, but the promos are pure gold. He's safe.
Kevin Nash: I actually like Kevin Nash, for the most part, and was excited to see him brought into the WWE as part of the mix in the CM Punk / HHH angle. Until I actually saw him in the angle. And he sucked! Maybe if this had led to a series of matches with CM Punk thoroughly kicking Nash's ass, it might have worked, but as it is now, Nash is more of a headache than an asset at this point and they need to go ahead and cut the losses and let him go. Nash gets the boot - repeatedly!
And now on to the first twenty names from the RAW roster...
Alberto Del Rio: He's good in the ring, gets good heat from the fans and although his star has faded slightly in the past few weeks, he's a man the WWE can build around and draw in fans, espcecially in the Latino audience. He's safe.
Alex Riley: Talk about falling from grace. Alex was shining brightly as the side-kick to The Miz, but the team was broken up and while Miz coasted along on the main event ride, RIley shined brightly for a few weeks and then seems to have burnt out. His matches have gotten sloppier and sloppier and the cheers have gotten quieter and quieter. He's got a ton of potential and upside, but as a solo act, he's not ready for prime time. Either repackage him, put him back with the Miz, or else kiss him good-bye. He's outta here!
Big Show: The Big Show used to be a big deal, but more often than not these days, he's just a big joke. Keep him under a Legends Deal and use him occasionally for special events, much like Andre the Giant was in his early days. He wasn't around very often, but when he was there, it was a big deal. Let Big Show go to Hollywood and try his hand in movies and TV. As for being a full time wrestler in the WWE, he's gone!
Beth Phoenix: Keep her! Use her! Push her to the moon as the dominating figure for the WWE Diva's division. The Glamazon has an amazing upside that has yet to even be touched and with the proper storylines and push by management, she could be a big breakout star for the WWE, aka Trish Stratus. Beth has all the tools. She just needs the opportunity. She's safe.
Brie Bella: Well, she's a twin. And she's hot. But hot chicks are a dime a dozen. And well, she's a twin. So unless she's there for the sole purpose to take part in one of John Laurinatis' playboy fantasies, I can't see any real reason she has a job. Aloha!
CM Punk: Let Punk be what he was a few weeks ago and do what he was doing a few weeks ago. He's hot and the WWE should be pushing him to the moon right now. He's the man to build around for the next several years, much as John Cena has been for the past few years. Punk is the future and he's absolutely safe!
Curt Hawkins: I remember when Hawkins was one of the Edge-heads, but what has he done since then? I can't really think of anything either. He's gone!
David Otunga: He's a lousy wrestler and a lousy promo guy. But he's married to an Academy Award winning actress and singer, Jennifer Hudson. That's a big plus and probably the only reason he's kept a job this long. Is it enough? Nope, I don't think so. He's gone!
Drew McIntyre: I remember when Drew was supposed to be Vince's personal "chosen one". And then he got moved to RAW and married a Diva, who quickly pulled a "Melina" and got herself fired. And he's been merely an after-thought ever since. But Drew has a good presence and a strong upside that makes him stand out. He's a good wrestler and with the right support and push, can be a strong upper mid-card talent for the WWE. He's safe.
Dolph Ziggler: Looking at Dolph, I am hard pressed to find any strong negatives. He's a good worker, a good talker and has a unique presence. He's definitely a keeper for the WWE.
Evan Bourne: I don't really much care for Evan and I think he's too small to be a legitimate force in the ring. But he does perform some amazing moves and has a good presence. He has charisma and makes the matches exciting, even if you don't think he has a legitimate chance to win. If the WWE was to ever re-establish the Cruiserweight Championship, Bourne would be the guy to build the division around. He's not a personal favorite, but I can see his appeal. He's safe.
Eve: She's fair in the ring and she's a nice looking woman, but she doesn't really have a personality that shines through. She's a take it or leave it type of Diva and if I'm the one cutting the checks, I'll keep her... for now. She's an unknown factor to me. I can't remember ever hearing her talk, but she is okay in the ring, so I've have her work with the agents on developing a memorable character & gimmick and tightening up on the wrestling skills. And so long as she keeps improving, she keeps her job. It's simple as that.
Gail Kim: I'm not even sure why her name is still listed on the WWE Raw roster on WWE.com since she quit a few months ago, but since she's listed as part of the roster, she gets to be given the stay or go treatment. And she can go. She doens't want to be there and there is no reason to keep someone there who has made it clear she's not happy. So for Gail Kim, we wish her well in her future endeavors. 'Nuff said!
Goldust: Dustin is still listed on the roster, but his active days are over and he's primarily working as an agent for the WWE these days. So I guess that means we might see the occasional appearance by Goldy, but those blessed moments will be few and far between. Dustin is a strong character and a locker room leader and having him as part of the WWE, in any role, is a plus. He's safe.
Jack Swagger: A strong performer and a good character with a tremendous upside. I would not only keep Jack, but insist that the so-called creative forces work and push his character to be a modern version of Kurt Angle for the WWE. He has all the tools, but just needs to find his niche and get the right push. The "All American American" is safe.
Jerry Lawler: Sign him to a Legend's deal. Remove him from the announce table and send him on his way. He's extremely stale and just going through the motions. He can do that in Memphis. The King is dead!
Jim Ross: When he's left to do his job, Jim Ross is one of the best wrestling announcers ever. When he has to argue with Michael Cole for the entire show, he's not so good. So let Jim Ross stay at the announce table. Give him a new announce partner to work with and help develop and grow. And enjoy some BBQ. That's the way it should be. Jim Ross stays as long as he wants to.
John Cena: He annoys the hell out of me personally, but John Cena is the biggest name currently in the WWE. And he sells merchandise like no other. Despite all of his flaws, and there are many, he's the ultimate WWE Superstar and representative. I'd keep him away from the WWE or World titles for a long, long time (he doesn't need them), but I'd also definitely keep him happy.
John Laurinaitis: One of the problems with WWE talent is lack of good leadership from the top. And a big part of that is the former Johnny Ace. His views and opinions of what makes a strong WWE superstar are old and stale. We need a new person in this role who can think outside the box and maybe open the WWE to wrestlers and Diva's who are not quite so cookie-cutter as the current batch. Mike Bucci (Simon Dean) would be great for this job. So would Tommy Dreamer. But as for John Laurinaitis, aka Johnny Ace, someone needs to make a phone call, as Ace has done himself so many times before, and wish him well in his future endeavors.
John Morrison: He's got a good look and good skills, but John Morrison has one major piece of baggage. Her name is Melina. I think the former WWE Diva has poisoned the waters for Morrison and ruined any chances he'll ever have of getting a major push. He needs a change of enviroment and a chance to rebuild his image and career. Maybe Japan? Maybe TNA? But not the WWE. Not right now anyhow. He's gone!
And there you go, the first twenty-three WWE Superstars to go under the knife and be evaluated. So what do you think? Am I on track so far or teetering on the edge of total insanity? Let me know what you think. The rest of the RAW roster gets the microscope treatment tomorrow.
And now, before I close, I want to throw a couple of ideas out there for some possible show ideas for the WWE and their upcoming new network. We've already heard talk about a cooking show starring The Big Show and his wife. That might be fun because you know that Big Show loves to eat. And to keep that big guy fed, his wife has to be amazing in the kitchen. (or else have the number for Domino's Pizza on her speed-dial.). So if cooking shows are an option, why not a few other shows like...
"Wake Up WIth Trish": An early morning work-out show with WWE Diva Trish Stratus demonstrating and leading a group of volunteers as she teaches Yoga.
"The B-Team": WWE Superstar Zack Ryder and his team of "Browski's", (R-Truth, Hornswoggle, Great Khali and Mae Young), travel the world, fighting evil and attempting to make the world a better place, all while filming themselves on YouTube.
"Excuse Me, Sucka!": A talk show, in the style of Live With Regis & Kelly, where WWE Superstars Vickie Guerrero and Booker T interview guests and attempt to see who can be more annoying.
"And I Quote": Short pieces to be placed in between shows with Michael Cole attempting to discuss famous quotes and catch-phrases from wrestling history, but usually just ending up talking about himself instead.
That's just a few ideas to help fill the time on the new WWE Network. Don't worry, I have more.
And on that, I am out of here. I'll be back tomorow with more nips and tucks for the WWE Superstars. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. And if you're a user of Facebook (and who isn't, despite all the very annoying and stupid changes they've made there as of late), then come see me at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and dat' is all de' people need to know. See you tomorrow.
Ubuntu!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
(Retro) Six Minutes - December 16, 2008
Six Minutes
December 16, 2008
Doug Maynard
I had a few minutes to kill in between doing laundry, finishing up the Christmas cards and trying to decide if my Bud Light just tastes great or is less filling, and decided this would be a good time to throw together a brief column.
Yeah, I know. Me? Write something brief? Ha! Save the comments. I know that I tend to ramble a bit at times and generally live by the rule, "Why say in three words what you can say in thirty". But I'll try to keep it somewhat short anyhow. How short? How about "Six Minutes" short, hence the name.
So let's get the ball rolling. Hit my intro, please.
"Six minutes, six minutes, six minutes Dougie Fresh and you're on... on!
The original Doug E. Fresh must be spinning in his grave right about now. Oh wait, he's not dead. That's just his career. Ooh! Sick burn and rim-shot! I'm a bad panda...lol.
So what to speak of? I have a couple of hypothetical questions (always my favorite kind) to answer and a "Top 14" list of characters that Charlie Haas should portray in the future. And I want to speak of Jeff Hardy for a moment too. And if anything else comes to mind while I'm pounding away at this keyboard, so be it. So there you go.
First off, congratulations to Jeff Hardy for being the NEW WWE Champion, as of this past Sunday night at WWE Armageddon. Jeff has been absolutely on fire the past few months and as I said in my "TS" column a few days ago, if the WWE was ever going to pull the plug and give Jeff a title run, now would be the time.
It's a big show of faith by the WWE to give Jeff Hardy, a man with admitted substance abuse problems, who has failed their "Wellness Program" twice and has only one chance left before forced termination from the company, a man who was removed from a flight just a few months ago.... to give a guy with this background, a chance to be the "figurehead" and "top dog" for their company.
But Jeff's work in the ring and his promos have been as good as at any time in his career. He seems to have his head on straight professionally and to achieved that "happy balance" between work and play. So maybe it'll work. Who am I to say any different. I hope so, for Jeff's sake more than anything else.
And on a purely historical note, congratulations to both Jeff and Matt Hardy to be the first set of (legitimate) brothers to both be recognized as "World Champions" at the same time in wrestling history, that I can think of anyhow.
And only the third set of (legitimate) brothers in U.S. wrestling history to both be World Champions - the other two parings being Terry Funk and Dory Funk, both of who held the NWA World Heavyweight Championship back in the 70's... and Jack & Gerald Brisco. Jack was the NWA World Champion for two reigns in the early 70's, while Gerald was the NWA World Junior Heavyweight Champion in the late 70's for a time. That puts Matt & Jeff in some mighty elite company with four of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
Just thinking... when Jeff and Matt started out all those years ago in Cameron, NC, just a few miles away from where I'm sitting right now, who would have thought that we'd ever have both men as singles World Champions? They've done all of us "NC Guys" and all their fellow members of "The Fraternity" proud.
And now, let's move from Jeff and his WWE Championship to a man who I really seriously doubt will ever have the honor of being the WWE Champion, although he has all the talent, the charisma, the skills and the "it" factor. He's viewed by the WWE these days as mainly a comedy act. But to give him credit, he's embraced the role and taken it much farther already than anyone at WWE probably ever predicted and taken himself from the role of an "after-thought jobber" to at least a mid-card role, where he's allowed to get some wins and plenty of TV time.
Of course, I'm talking about Charlie Haas. I was at work the other night and as is usually the case, since I work a monkey-job that doesn't require much thinking, my mind was wandering all over the place. It went to wrestling and Charlie Haas and some of the characters he's portrayed thus far (Beth Phoenix, CHL, Jim Ross, "The Hitman", Mr. Perfect, etc) and I started thinking of characters I'd like to see him imitate eventually. I came up with a list of twelve possibilities. So bear with me as we do a listing of....
The Top 14 Characters Charlie Haas Should Imitate...
14. The Iron Haas: Charlie Haas in curved boots, the whole head-gear thing and waving a flag while cutting a promo in terrible, stilted English and bordering on extreme goofiness. The Iron Sheik probably wouldn't like it and would probably want to "humble" Haas for the parody attempt, but it would be funny to see.
And to really make it perfect, have Nikolai Volkoff come to the ring with "The Iron Haas" (or someone imitating him) threatening to sing the "Soviet National Anthem". It would be funny. And although I hate to put ideas in the WWE's head, this would be a great spot for Valdimir Kozlov to come down and really get over as a bad-ass heel as he would be "insulted" by the Sheik / Volkoff imitations and just destroy both of them. Think about it. It would work as great WWE TV.
13. The Haasman: Picture this in Philadelphia or New York. The crowd is pumped and loud. A wrestler is waiting in the ring. And the sounds of "Enter Sandman" fill the arena. Think of the reaction. Think of the pop. And then Charlie Haas, aks "The Haasman" comes through the crowd, kendo stick in hand and drinking beers, wearing a pair of star-spangled sweat pants and a wife-beater t-shirt. It would be surreal to say the least and extremely entertaining for anyone watching. And it would definitely be an "extreme" moment.
12. Baron Van Haas: Just picture Charlie in a skin-cap and robe, wearing a monocle and threatening to "put the claw" on everyone. Talk in the exaggerated German accent that the legendary Baron Von Raschke was so famous for and just ham it up to the extreme. It would be a big treat to all of us old-school fans who remember the antics of the legendary Baron and would give Jerry Lawler a chance to talk about the Baron (who he wrestled several times in the late 80's as the AWA World Champion).
And for a extra kick, if the WWE happens to be in Minnesota, where the Baron still lives and is doing very well in retirement, have the Baron pop up in one of those great "Legends" cameos that the WWE loves so much and either put the claw on Haas.. or better yet, have "Baron Von Haas" face a heel while the real Baron is in the audience. Haas is winning and the heel has a friend interfere and cost Haas the match. They double-team Charlie and the Baron (with a chair) comes from the audience and makes the save for his "twin". And then we get "two claws for the price of one" as "Baron Von Haas" and Baron Von Raschke both claw their opponents and the bad guys end up fleeing the ring. A true "feel good" moment for the old-school fans and I'm sure both the real Baron and Haas would get a kick out of doing something like that.
11. Charlie "The Macho Man" Haasage: We all know that Vince McMahon hates Randy Savage for some reason. We can all speculate on why, but no one knows for sure except for Vince, Savage and possibly Stephanie... it's irrelevant anyhow.
But just picture Charlie coming out in the fringed jackets, the cowboy hats, the shades, and talking like he's been constipated for several years. Think of the pop it would get. "The Macho Man" is just one of those characters that begs to be mocked and imitated. Jay Lethal has done a fair job of it in TNA, but let the WWE have their shot and let Charlie do it. It would be a definite "over the top" moment to enjoy.
10. Koko B. Haas: Charlie has already shown he has no shame or pride and will do anything. So give him loud suit, the glasses, a stuffed bird to wear on his arm and let him come out to the sounds of Koko's music and "do the bird". It would pop the crowd and just be fun. Maybe the real Koko could do a cameo to with this one as well. It would just be fun to see.
9. Junkyard Haas: This one might be considered disrespectful to some, but Charlie doing the mannerisms and antics of the legendary Junkyard Dog, complete with wearing the collar and chain, would be hilarious to me. He could even come out to the Dog's old song from the Wrestling Album called "Grab Them Cakes". If Charlie can do "Mr. Perfect", he can do "JYD".
8. Ivan "The Russian Haas" Koloff: Another "old school" character that today's fans might not get or appreciate, but it would be fun to see. Another "skin-cap" night for Haas as he would imitate the mannerisms and promo-style of the former WWWF Champion. Give him a "Russian Chain" to carry and just let Charlie play it up to the max. I'd love to see it.
7. "Superfly" Charlie Haas: Jimmy Snuka is another character that was so unique and over the top at times, he just begs to be parodied and mocked. Picture Charlie in a pair of leopard-skin tights, a shaggy wig and doing the facial expressions and mannerisms of Snuka. And winning his match with a "SuperHaas" splash. They really need to do it.
Or if they are serious about getting Snuka's son over as a "second generation heel" as they seem to be, they can have Charlie do the "Snuka" parody and Deuce come out and just beat his ass in a totally serious and no-nonsense manner. That would work better for building Deuce and establishing him as a bad-ass than a hundred backstage interviews or promos would.
6. The Managers (Captain Lou Haasbano / "Classy" Freddie Haasy / The Grand Haaszard / Mr. Haasji / Bobby "The Haas" Heenan): I had these listed separately at first, but decided to combine them as one listing. Just picture Charlie annoying one of his fellow wrestlers and telling them they "need a manager". I'd use Shelton Benjamin since his friendship and history with Haas is common knowledge, but someone like MVP would work well for this too.
Charlie tells them that they need a manager and for several weeks, keeps coming out as different "legendary managers", using their gimmicks and mannerisms to "help" his friend. As Captain Lou Albano, Haas would dress like a slob, maybe have a fake gut and do the whole "rubber bands in the face" gimmick and over the top antics. As Blassie, he would wear the flashy outfits and use the cane frequently. As the Grand Wizard, he could do the whole "turban and glasses" thing. As Mr. Fuji, the "bowler hat" and cane and using the tossed salt to "help" his wrestler. And as "The Brain" a blonde wig, a neck brace, and some over- the-top comments towards everyone.
We're talking about a whole series of promos and matches here as Haas "helps" his friend (usually hurting more than helping) and it would give the announcers a chance to put over some of the characters that Haas is pretending to be and give a history lesson in "Wrestling 101". I'd love to see it.
5. Haaskaw Jim Duggan: No more needs to be said. Duggan is a part of RAW and so is Haas. I'm surprised this hasn't already been done yet. Duggan is a character just begging to be mocked and parodied.
4. CHD: Picture Charlie in the unitard doing the mannerisms and imitating the character of RVD. Give him a pony-tail and a few thumbs to point at himself as Lillian announces his name. It would be over-the-top, hilarious and dynamic to see.
3. "The Nature Haas": If they can do Hogan and Bret, they can do Ric Flair. A fake nose, a glamorous robe, some strutting and maybe some elbow drops on an invisible opponent. And lots of chops followed by the "figure four" for the win. This is how we can tell that HBK, HHH and Batista are still close to Ric and that Vince still has some love for the "Nature Boy", despite Ric leaving the company earlier this year. If they didn't love "Naitch", we would have already seen Charlie in this role. Although I'm probably still one of the biggest Flair fans out there, his character is one that just begs to be mocked and imitated.
Maybe they're holding off for a while until Reid Flair gets better and makes his debut. Coming out of the crowd to defend his father's "honor" against a parody would be an effective way to introduce Reid to the national audience. There are worse ways to make a debut. But I'm thinking that HHH, HBK and Batista are the reason we haven't seen this one yet. Too bad.
2. Haastino Marella: Santino is always great comedy and fun to see. And could you imagine the over-the-top reactions and antics by Santino if he was to come out to the ring to face... himself (or a reasonable likeness)? We've already seen Charlie mock Santino's "girlfriend", Beth Phoenix. And that was hilarious. So the groundwork and history between the two men is already there. This one will happen. It's just a matter of when.
1. C-Fed: The ship may have already sailed on this one since Kevin Federline is no longer "big news" and has actually turned out to be the "good parent" and more likable and stable in his relationship with ex-wife Britney Spears. But during his brief time with the WWE a few years ago, K-Fed was awesome as a heel and from all reports, was extremely well-liked by and very respectful to everyone backstage and would be welcome back at any time.
So if K-Fed ever decides to make a new CD (his last one bombed, but the music wasn't bad and I liked most of it... and I don't even like rap all that much) - another brief run with the WWE might be good. And just to see Charlie in his wife-beater and out there, just being "Federline style white trash" would be fun to watch and see. It'd make for great TV and get plenty of publicity on TMZ and in the national media.. and that would be great as well. I'd love to see it.
So there you go. Fourteen (actually 18, but who's counting) characters that I'd love to see Charlie Haas do an imitation of. Some are too old-school and over the top, even for WWE, but with some of the others, the possibilities are there.
And there are so many great characters in the history that is professional wrestling, this is a gimmick that Charlie could keep doing for years and never run out of fresh material. I named some of the people I'd like to see Charlie Haas imitate. Who would you like to see Charlie attempt to parody? Any suggestions? I'd love to hear them.
And now, moving on...
Here's a question that my good friend, Sakee Wildman, asked her group at Yahoo roughly a year or so ago.. and I answered it then, but I'll do it again because I like the question.
What dream match would you love to see at WrestleMania?
There aren't many dream matches left these days due to age, injuries, different companies, etc... but what I would like to see at Wrestlemania is simply this. Vince McMahon in the middle of the ring addressing the 80,000 fans in attendance and the millions watching at home... and just as he really gets going on a roll about how big Wrestlemania is and all of that...music hits. And Vince is interrupted by..
The Disco Inferno...
Just imagine the look on Vince's face as Disco crashes the party and gets on the mic.. claiming that everyone just tuned into Wrestlemania just to watch the Disco Inferno dance. Vince could get mad and play the big blowhard who so frustrated, he doesn't know what to do. Disco could play the buffoon and just be oblivious to Vince's anger. And it'd make a great Wrestlemania moment that no one would ever, ever forget.
Or if that doesn't work for ya, I'll settle for Shawn Michaels vs. Hulk Hogan one more time in a "Career Match" where the loser must retire from the ring forever.... with Hogan doing the J.O.B. in about three minutes...
And the other I want to get to is one that I asked the members of the Yahoo groups of which I'm a member a few days ago. The question was:
If Vince McMahon gave you total autonomy and complete access to the entire WWE video library and told you that you could produce any five DVD sets you want - on anything or anyone wrestling related for future release by the WWE, what DVD's would you make and why?
I've heard many great suggestions for different topics and DVD ideas from the groups and it made me realize just how much, despite all the numerous DVD's flooding the marketplace, is left yet to be done and how many DVD sets are left to be made. I thought about it for a few days and after a lot of adding ideas and then removing them and back and forth internal debate, these are the five DVD sets that I'd most like to put together and see if given total access to the WWE's video libraries and production teams.
Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling: This would be the first set of what I would hope would turn into a series of DVD's highlighting the various territories of the seventies and nineties. I picked the Carolina's first because obviously, I'm from the Carolinas and this is what I grew up on. I figure a three DVD set highlighting the Jim Crockett Promotions from the mid-seventies until Ted Turner bought out the company and formed WCW. Bob Caudle and David Crockett, the long time voices of the Mid-Atlantic era are both still around and could provide analysis and commentary on the stories behind the matches featured and also, several former Crockett stars such as Greg Valentine, Sgt. Slaughter, Ric Flair, Rick Steamboat, Dusty Rhodes, Jimmy Valiant, Blackjack Mulligan, etc. There are so many stars from this era still out there and available to use.
And think of the matches. Just off the top of my head, we'd have Flair - Steamboat, Steamboat & Youngblood versus The Briscos, Dusty versus Tully, Valentine & Flair versus The Andersons, Steamboat & Youngblood versus Snuka & Ray Stevens, Slaughter versus Windham, Mulligan versus Masked Superstar, Flair versus Mulligan in the battle known as "The Hat versus The Robe", Ric Flair versus Buddy Rogers in a "Battle of the Nature Boys", Mighty Igor versus Crusher Blackwell, Nikita Koloff vs. Magnum TA.. and so many more. For a period of about fifteen years, the Mid-Atlantic was the hottest region in the country and for good measure. The stars that passed through were phenomenal. The matches were great. And the booking and story lines made sense.
And if this DVD sold as well as I'd expect it to, I'd move on to DVD sets based on all of the assorted territories. Florida Championship Wrestling, Georgia Championship Wrestling, The Mid-South. Memphis, Stampede Wrestling, etc. Maybe they'd be considered "niche" products, but the appeal and audience is there and DVD's highlighting the different territories would work and sell very well in my opinion.
The Rise And Fall of World Championship Wrestling: This is a no-brainer and needs to done. Eric Bischoff and the WCW powers-that-be need to be given the chance to tell their side of the story and I'd work this from a WCW viewpoint with Tony Schiavone, Eric, Dusty Rhodes and as many NWA / WCW guys providing commentary as possible. I'd be sure to let Vince and the WWE guys get their say in too, but this would be for the WCW fans.
Think about all the great matches and events in WCW over the years. Goldberg versus Hogan. The rise of the nWo. Flair versus Sting. Flair versus Funk. The Arn Anderson retirement speech. Flair returning to wrestling. The cruiserweight matches and cross-promotions with New Japan. The WCW Hall of Fame Ceremonies and the "Legends" matches from Slamboree. There is so much ground to cover that just two or three discs wouldn't be nearly enough, but it'd be a good start.
Fallen Angels: This would be a series of DVD's based on profiling some of the superstars of the past who might be be quite big enough to warrant a full set of DVD's to themselves, but have a story that's worth telling. They had all the tools and skills and were headed towards the top of their professions, but for whatever the reason, they didn't quite make it and had their "wings" clipped far too early.
Do these as a "Behind The Music" style documentary and be sure to provide at least between five to ten matches for each person as well as the documentary part, which could run between an hour to ninety minutes. I would make these into three disc sets as to cover three stars at a time and make it into an ongoing series to allow as many wrestlers to be profiled over time as possible - with maybe one release every couple of months. And for the first DVD, the debut episode of this DVD series, I'd pick as my wrestlers to profile Magnum TA, "Flying" Brian Pillman and "The Handsome Half-Breed" Gino Hernandez.
This may not be quick to sell out, but it would pay off in the end for the WWE and allow wrestlers who otherwise might never be able to get more than a footnote mention a chance to be profiled. And it would be programming for WWE to use for their 24/ 7 Network or sell to other networks as original programming to make addition revenue for the company.
The Rock & Wrestling Era: A look at the entire "Rock & Wrestling" phenomena that occurred in the mid-eighties with Hogan, Richter, Cyndi Lauper, the MTV connection, etc. Show the matches that took place on MTV (Richter beating Moolah), throw in the Cyndi Lauper videos that featured wrestlers, maybe do some interviews with Captain Lou Albano, Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. Throw in the video of "Land of 1000 Dances" by the WWF Superstars. And look at the other attempts to incorporate rock & roll into wrestling with the Freebirds down in Texas doing the whole "Badstreet" angle with the Von Erich's, the AWA's attempt at WrestleRock, etc. This one could be a lot of fun to make and watch.
And finally...
Shake Your Booty: The Greatest Hits of the Disco Inferno: Think about it. Three discs and over ten hours of nothing but promos and dancing by Disco Inferno. After all, Disco told us for years that the only reason we were wrestling fans and watched wrestling was just to see the Disco Inferno dance. Maybe he's right? Heh! Heh! Maybe not! I'm joking, OK. Much as I loved to watch Disco dance and cut his promos (and wrestle - he was / is greatly under-rated as an in-ring performer), I think a whole DVD might be a little much. So we'll tweak this just a little bit and change it to...
What The... A Look At Wrestling's Strangest Characters And Moments: A three disc DVD set with looks at characters such as Disco Inferno, The ECW Zombie, The Boogeyman, The ShockMaster, Evad Sullivan, Norman the Lunatic, Eugene, Santino, etc. who were primarily comedy characters. And looking at different events like the "Billionaire Ted" skits, the Chucky promos on WCW Nitro, The Yeti, Sting teaming with Robocop, etc.. pretty much if it was dumb, made no sense, and made you scratch your head and go "What the....??", it belongs on this skit.
We could have one entire disc of nothing but wrestling personalities telling stories of the most stupid gimmicks they've ever seen. And think about some of the situations we could talk about - Judy Bagwell as half of the WCW Tag Team Champions, Al Snow wrestling the Big Bossman in the "Kennel From Hell" match, Brisco and Patterson in their drag queen hardcore match, David Arquette as the WCW World Champion, Tank Sinatra, the whole "fingerpoke of doom" with Hogan and Nash, etc.
Stupidity has always played a major role in wrestling and for every great match or great angle, there is always two to three times as many OK angles and a good number of totally whacked angles as well. Let's give the morons and the head-scratching moments their due and a DVD set to watch just for giggle purposes.
And there you go. My answers. Maybe I kind of pushed it a little bit with the answers since at least two of my picks were the starts of entire series of DVD sets, but I think that all of these I mentioned would sell well, make money and have an audience out there just waiting for a chance to see them.
And I guess that's enough from me today. A new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" will be up this weekend. And I might be back tomorrow with another column. Or I might not. Guess we'll have to wait and see on that. But that's enough of me for now anyhow.
Comments and questions can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Come visit me on MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me as a friend too. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and now, my "six minutes" are up. I'll see you next time. Have a great week and please, always be a fan.
Ubuntu!
December 16, 2008
Doug Maynard
I had a few minutes to kill in between doing laundry, finishing up the Christmas cards and trying to decide if my Bud Light just tastes great or is less filling, and decided this would be a good time to throw together a brief column.
Yeah, I know. Me? Write something brief? Ha! Save the comments. I know that I tend to ramble a bit at times and generally live by the rule, "Why say in three words what you can say in thirty". But I'll try to keep it somewhat short anyhow. How short? How about "Six Minutes" short, hence the name.
So let's get the ball rolling. Hit my intro, please.
"Six minutes, six minutes, six minutes Dougie Fresh and you're on... on!
The original Doug E. Fresh must be spinning in his grave right about now. Oh wait, he's not dead. That's just his career. Ooh! Sick burn and rim-shot! I'm a bad panda...lol.
So what to speak of? I have a couple of hypothetical questions (always my favorite kind) to answer and a "Top 14" list of characters that Charlie Haas should portray in the future. And I want to speak of Jeff Hardy for a moment too. And if anything else comes to mind while I'm pounding away at this keyboard, so be it. So there you go.
First off, congratulations to Jeff Hardy for being the NEW WWE Champion, as of this past Sunday night at WWE Armageddon. Jeff has been absolutely on fire the past few months and as I said in my "TS" column a few days ago, if the WWE was ever going to pull the plug and give Jeff a title run, now would be the time.
It's a big show of faith by the WWE to give Jeff Hardy, a man with admitted substance abuse problems, who has failed their "Wellness Program" twice and has only one chance left before forced termination from the company, a man who was removed from a flight just a few months ago.... to give a guy with this background, a chance to be the "figurehead" and "top dog" for their company.
But Jeff's work in the ring and his promos have been as good as at any time in his career. He seems to have his head on straight professionally and to achieved that "happy balance" between work and play. So maybe it'll work. Who am I to say any different. I hope so, for Jeff's sake more than anything else.
And on a purely historical note, congratulations to both Jeff and Matt Hardy to be the first set of (legitimate) brothers to both be recognized as "World Champions" at the same time in wrestling history, that I can think of anyhow.
And only the third set of (legitimate) brothers in U.S. wrestling history to both be World Champions - the other two parings being Terry Funk and Dory Funk, both of who held the NWA World Heavyweight Championship back in the 70's... and Jack & Gerald Brisco. Jack was the NWA World Champion for two reigns in the early 70's, while Gerald was the NWA World Junior Heavyweight Champion in the late 70's for a time. That puts Matt & Jeff in some mighty elite company with four of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
Just thinking... when Jeff and Matt started out all those years ago in Cameron, NC, just a few miles away from where I'm sitting right now, who would have thought that we'd ever have both men as singles World Champions? They've done all of us "NC Guys" and all their fellow members of "The Fraternity" proud.
And now, let's move from Jeff and his WWE Championship to a man who I really seriously doubt will ever have the honor of being the WWE Champion, although he has all the talent, the charisma, the skills and the "it" factor. He's viewed by the WWE these days as mainly a comedy act. But to give him credit, he's embraced the role and taken it much farther already than anyone at WWE probably ever predicted and taken himself from the role of an "after-thought jobber" to at least a mid-card role, where he's allowed to get some wins and plenty of TV time.
Of course, I'm talking about Charlie Haas. I was at work the other night and as is usually the case, since I work a monkey-job that doesn't require much thinking, my mind was wandering all over the place. It went to wrestling and Charlie Haas and some of the characters he's portrayed thus far (Beth Phoenix, CHL, Jim Ross, "The Hitman", Mr. Perfect, etc) and I started thinking of characters I'd like to see him imitate eventually. I came up with a list of twelve possibilities. So bear with me as we do a listing of....
The Top 14 Characters Charlie Haas Should Imitate...
14. The Iron Haas: Charlie Haas in curved boots, the whole head-gear thing and waving a flag while cutting a promo in terrible, stilted English and bordering on extreme goofiness. The Iron Sheik probably wouldn't like it and would probably want to "humble" Haas for the parody attempt, but it would be funny to see.
And to really make it perfect, have Nikolai Volkoff come to the ring with "The Iron Haas" (or someone imitating him) threatening to sing the "Soviet National Anthem". It would be funny. And although I hate to put ideas in the WWE's head, this would be a great spot for Valdimir Kozlov to come down and really get over as a bad-ass heel as he would be "insulted" by the Sheik / Volkoff imitations and just destroy both of them. Think about it. It would work as great WWE TV.
13. The Haasman: Picture this in Philadelphia or New York. The crowd is pumped and loud. A wrestler is waiting in the ring. And the sounds of "Enter Sandman" fill the arena. Think of the reaction. Think of the pop. And then Charlie Haas, aks "The Haasman" comes through the crowd, kendo stick in hand and drinking beers, wearing a pair of star-spangled sweat pants and a wife-beater t-shirt. It would be surreal to say the least and extremely entertaining for anyone watching. And it would definitely be an "extreme" moment.
12. Baron Van Haas: Just picture Charlie in a skin-cap and robe, wearing a monocle and threatening to "put the claw" on everyone. Talk in the exaggerated German accent that the legendary Baron Von Raschke was so famous for and just ham it up to the extreme. It would be a big treat to all of us old-school fans who remember the antics of the legendary Baron and would give Jerry Lawler a chance to talk about the Baron (who he wrestled several times in the late 80's as the AWA World Champion).
And for a extra kick, if the WWE happens to be in Minnesota, where the Baron still lives and is doing very well in retirement, have the Baron pop up in one of those great "Legends" cameos that the WWE loves so much and either put the claw on Haas.. or better yet, have "Baron Von Haas" face a heel while the real Baron is in the audience. Haas is winning and the heel has a friend interfere and cost Haas the match. They double-team Charlie and the Baron (with a chair) comes from the audience and makes the save for his "twin". And then we get "two claws for the price of one" as "Baron Von Haas" and Baron Von Raschke both claw their opponents and the bad guys end up fleeing the ring. A true "feel good" moment for the old-school fans and I'm sure both the real Baron and Haas would get a kick out of doing something like that.
11. Charlie "The Macho Man" Haasage: We all know that Vince McMahon hates Randy Savage for some reason. We can all speculate on why, but no one knows for sure except for Vince, Savage and possibly Stephanie... it's irrelevant anyhow.
But just picture Charlie coming out in the fringed jackets, the cowboy hats, the shades, and talking like he's been constipated for several years. Think of the pop it would get. "The Macho Man" is just one of those characters that begs to be mocked and imitated. Jay Lethal has done a fair job of it in TNA, but let the WWE have their shot and let Charlie do it. It would be a definite "over the top" moment to enjoy.
10. Koko B. Haas: Charlie has already shown he has no shame or pride and will do anything. So give him loud suit, the glasses, a stuffed bird to wear on his arm and let him come out to the sounds of Koko's music and "do the bird". It would pop the crowd and just be fun. Maybe the real Koko could do a cameo to with this one as well. It would just be fun to see.
9. Junkyard Haas: This one might be considered disrespectful to some, but Charlie doing the mannerisms and antics of the legendary Junkyard Dog, complete with wearing the collar and chain, would be hilarious to me. He could even come out to the Dog's old song from the Wrestling Album called "Grab Them Cakes". If Charlie can do "Mr. Perfect", he can do "JYD".
8. Ivan "The Russian Haas" Koloff: Another "old school" character that today's fans might not get or appreciate, but it would be fun to see. Another "skin-cap" night for Haas as he would imitate the mannerisms and promo-style of the former WWWF Champion. Give him a "Russian Chain" to carry and just let Charlie play it up to the max. I'd love to see it.
7. "Superfly" Charlie Haas: Jimmy Snuka is another character that was so unique and over the top at times, he just begs to be parodied and mocked. Picture Charlie in a pair of leopard-skin tights, a shaggy wig and doing the facial expressions and mannerisms of Snuka. And winning his match with a "SuperHaas" splash. They really need to do it.
Or if they are serious about getting Snuka's son over as a "second generation heel" as they seem to be, they can have Charlie do the "Snuka" parody and Deuce come out and just beat his ass in a totally serious and no-nonsense manner. That would work better for building Deuce and establishing him as a bad-ass than a hundred backstage interviews or promos would.
6. The Managers (Captain Lou Haasbano / "Classy" Freddie Haasy / The Grand Haaszard / Mr. Haasji / Bobby "The Haas" Heenan): I had these listed separately at first, but decided to combine them as one listing. Just picture Charlie annoying one of his fellow wrestlers and telling them they "need a manager". I'd use Shelton Benjamin since his friendship and history with Haas is common knowledge, but someone like MVP would work well for this too.
Charlie tells them that they need a manager and for several weeks, keeps coming out as different "legendary managers", using their gimmicks and mannerisms to "help" his friend. As Captain Lou Albano, Haas would dress like a slob, maybe have a fake gut and do the whole "rubber bands in the face" gimmick and over the top antics. As Blassie, he would wear the flashy outfits and use the cane frequently. As the Grand Wizard, he could do the whole "turban and glasses" thing. As Mr. Fuji, the "bowler hat" and cane and using the tossed salt to "help" his wrestler. And as "The Brain" a blonde wig, a neck brace, and some over- the-top comments towards everyone.
We're talking about a whole series of promos and matches here as Haas "helps" his friend (usually hurting more than helping) and it would give the announcers a chance to put over some of the characters that Haas is pretending to be and give a history lesson in "Wrestling 101". I'd love to see it.
5. Haaskaw Jim Duggan: No more needs to be said. Duggan is a part of RAW and so is Haas. I'm surprised this hasn't already been done yet. Duggan is a character just begging to be mocked and parodied.
4. CHD: Picture Charlie in the unitard doing the mannerisms and imitating the character of RVD. Give him a pony-tail and a few thumbs to point at himself as Lillian announces his name. It would be over-the-top, hilarious and dynamic to see.
3. "The Nature Haas": If they can do Hogan and Bret, they can do Ric Flair. A fake nose, a glamorous robe, some strutting and maybe some elbow drops on an invisible opponent. And lots of chops followed by the "figure four" for the win. This is how we can tell that HBK, HHH and Batista are still close to Ric and that Vince still has some love for the "Nature Boy", despite Ric leaving the company earlier this year. If they didn't love "Naitch", we would have already seen Charlie in this role. Although I'm probably still one of the biggest Flair fans out there, his character is one that just begs to be mocked and imitated.
Maybe they're holding off for a while until Reid Flair gets better and makes his debut. Coming out of the crowd to defend his father's "honor" against a parody would be an effective way to introduce Reid to the national audience. There are worse ways to make a debut. But I'm thinking that HHH, HBK and Batista are the reason we haven't seen this one yet. Too bad.
2. Haastino Marella: Santino is always great comedy and fun to see. And could you imagine the over-the-top reactions and antics by Santino if he was to come out to the ring to face... himself (or a reasonable likeness)? We've already seen Charlie mock Santino's "girlfriend", Beth Phoenix. And that was hilarious. So the groundwork and history between the two men is already there. This one will happen. It's just a matter of when.
1. C-Fed: The ship may have already sailed on this one since Kevin Federline is no longer "big news" and has actually turned out to be the "good parent" and more likable and stable in his relationship with ex-wife Britney Spears. But during his brief time with the WWE a few years ago, K-Fed was awesome as a heel and from all reports, was extremely well-liked by and very respectful to everyone backstage and would be welcome back at any time.
So if K-Fed ever decides to make a new CD (his last one bombed, but the music wasn't bad and I liked most of it... and I don't even like rap all that much) - another brief run with the WWE might be good. And just to see Charlie in his wife-beater and out there, just being "Federline style white trash" would be fun to watch and see. It'd make for great TV and get plenty of publicity on TMZ and in the national media.. and that would be great as well. I'd love to see it.
So there you go. Fourteen (actually 18, but who's counting) characters that I'd love to see Charlie Haas do an imitation of. Some are too old-school and over the top, even for WWE, but with some of the others, the possibilities are there.
And there are so many great characters in the history that is professional wrestling, this is a gimmick that Charlie could keep doing for years and never run out of fresh material. I named some of the people I'd like to see Charlie Haas imitate. Who would you like to see Charlie attempt to parody? Any suggestions? I'd love to hear them.
And now, moving on...
Here's a question that my good friend, Sakee Wildman, asked her group at Yahoo roughly a year or so ago.. and I answered it then, but I'll do it again because I like the question.
What dream match would you love to see at WrestleMania?
There aren't many dream matches left these days due to age, injuries, different companies, etc... but what I would like to see at Wrestlemania is simply this. Vince McMahon in the middle of the ring addressing the 80,000 fans in attendance and the millions watching at home... and just as he really gets going on a roll about how big Wrestlemania is and all of that...music hits. And Vince is interrupted by..
The Disco Inferno...
Just imagine the look on Vince's face as Disco crashes the party and gets on the mic.. claiming that everyone just tuned into Wrestlemania just to watch the Disco Inferno dance. Vince could get mad and play the big blowhard who so frustrated, he doesn't know what to do. Disco could play the buffoon and just be oblivious to Vince's anger. And it'd make a great Wrestlemania moment that no one would ever, ever forget.
Or if that doesn't work for ya, I'll settle for Shawn Michaels vs. Hulk Hogan one more time in a "Career Match" where the loser must retire from the ring forever.... with Hogan doing the J.O.B. in about three minutes...
And the other I want to get to is one that I asked the members of the Yahoo groups of which I'm a member a few days ago. The question was:
If Vince McMahon gave you total autonomy and complete access to the entire WWE video library and told you that you could produce any five DVD sets you want - on anything or anyone wrestling related for future release by the WWE, what DVD's would you make and why?
I've heard many great suggestions for different topics and DVD ideas from the groups and it made me realize just how much, despite all the numerous DVD's flooding the marketplace, is left yet to be done and how many DVD sets are left to be made. I thought about it for a few days and after a lot of adding ideas and then removing them and back and forth internal debate, these are the five DVD sets that I'd most like to put together and see if given total access to the WWE's video libraries and production teams.
Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling: This would be the first set of what I would hope would turn into a series of DVD's highlighting the various territories of the seventies and nineties. I picked the Carolina's first because obviously, I'm from the Carolinas and this is what I grew up on. I figure a three DVD set highlighting the Jim Crockett Promotions from the mid-seventies until Ted Turner bought out the company and formed WCW. Bob Caudle and David Crockett, the long time voices of the Mid-Atlantic era are both still around and could provide analysis and commentary on the stories behind the matches featured and also, several former Crockett stars such as Greg Valentine, Sgt. Slaughter, Ric Flair, Rick Steamboat, Dusty Rhodes, Jimmy Valiant, Blackjack Mulligan, etc. There are so many stars from this era still out there and available to use.
And think of the matches. Just off the top of my head, we'd have Flair - Steamboat, Steamboat & Youngblood versus The Briscos, Dusty versus Tully, Valentine & Flair versus The Andersons, Steamboat & Youngblood versus Snuka & Ray Stevens, Slaughter versus Windham, Mulligan versus Masked Superstar, Flair versus Mulligan in the battle known as "The Hat versus The Robe", Ric Flair versus Buddy Rogers in a "Battle of the Nature Boys", Mighty Igor versus Crusher Blackwell, Nikita Koloff vs. Magnum TA.. and so many more. For a period of about fifteen years, the Mid-Atlantic was the hottest region in the country and for good measure. The stars that passed through were phenomenal. The matches were great. And the booking and story lines made sense.
And if this DVD sold as well as I'd expect it to, I'd move on to DVD sets based on all of the assorted territories. Florida Championship Wrestling, Georgia Championship Wrestling, The Mid-South. Memphis, Stampede Wrestling, etc. Maybe they'd be considered "niche" products, but the appeal and audience is there and DVD's highlighting the different territories would work and sell very well in my opinion.
The Rise And Fall of World Championship Wrestling: This is a no-brainer and needs to done. Eric Bischoff and the WCW powers-that-be need to be given the chance to tell their side of the story and I'd work this from a WCW viewpoint with Tony Schiavone, Eric, Dusty Rhodes and as many NWA / WCW guys providing commentary as possible. I'd be sure to let Vince and the WWE guys get their say in too, but this would be for the WCW fans.
Think about all the great matches and events in WCW over the years. Goldberg versus Hogan. The rise of the nWo. Flair versus Sting. Flair versus Funk. The Arn Anderson retirement speech. Flair returning to wrestling. The cruiserweight matches and cross-promotions with New Japan. The WCW Hall of Fame Ceremonies and the "Legends" matches from Slamboree. There is so much ground to cover that just two or three discs wouldn't be nearly enough, but it'd be a good start.
Fallen Angels: This would be a series of DVD's based on profiling some of the superstars of the past who might be be quite big enough to warrant a full set of DVD's to themselves, but have a story that's worth telling. They had all the tools and skills and were headed towards the top of their professions, but for whatever the reason, they didn't quite make it and had their "wings" clipped far too early.
Do these as a "Behind The Music" style documentary and be sure to provide at least between five to ten matches for each person as well as the documentary part, which could run between an hour to ninety minutes. I would make these into three disc sets as to cover three stars at a time and make it into an ongoing series to allow as many wrestlers to be profiled over time as possible - with maybe one release every couple of months. And for the first DVD, the debut episode of this DVD series, I'd pick as my wrestlers to profile Magnum TA, "Flying" Brian Pillman and "The Handsome Half-Breed" Gino Hernandez.
This may not be quick to sell out, but it would pay off in the end for the WWE and allow wrestlers who otherwise might never be able to get more than a footnote mention a chance to be profiled. And it would be programming for WWE to use for their 24/ 7 Network or sell to other networks as original programming to make addition revenue for the company.
The Rock & Wrestling Era: A look at the entire "Rock & Wrestling" phenomena that occurred in the mid-eighties with Hogan, Richter, Cyndi Lauper, the MTV connection, etc. Show the matches that took place on MTV (Richter beating Moolah), throw in the Cyndi Lauper videos that featured wrestlers, maybe do some interviews with Captain Lou Albano, Wendi Richter and Cyndi Lauper. Throw in the video of "Land of 1000 Dances" by the WWF Superstars. And look at the other attempts to incorporate rock & roll into wrestling with the Freebirds down in Texas doing the whole "Badstreet" angle with the Von Erich's, the AWA's attempt at WrestleRock, etc. This one could be a lot of fun to make and watch.
And finally...
Shake Your Booty: The Greatest Hits of the Disco Inferno: Think about it. Three discs and over ten hours of nothing but promos and dancing by Disco Inferno. After all, Disco told us for years that the only reason we were wrestling fans and watched wrestling was just to see the Disco Inferno dance. Maybe he's right? Heh! Heh! Maybe not! I'm joking, OK. Much as I loved to watch Disco dance and cut his promos (and wrestle - he was / is greatly under-rated as an in-ring performer), I think a whole DVD might be a little much. So we'll tweak this just a little bit and change it to...
What The... A Look At Wrestling's Strangest Characters And Moments: A three disc DVD set with looks at characters such as Disco Inferno, The ECW Zombie, The Boogeyman, The ShockMaster, Evad Sullivan, Norman the Lunatic, Eugene, Santino, etc. who were primarily comedy characters. And looking at different events like the "Billionaire Ted" skits, the Chucky promos on WCW Nitro, The Yeti, Sting teaming with Robocop, etc.. pretty much if it was dumb, made no sense, and made you scratch your head and go "What the....??", it belongs on this skit.
We could have one entire disc of nothing but wrestling personalities telling stories of the most stupid gimmicks they've ever seen. And think about some of the situations we could talk about - Judy Bagwell as half of the WCW Tag Team Champions, Al Snow wrestling the Big Bossman in the "Kennel From Hell" match, Brisco and Patterson in their drag queen hardcore match, David Arquette as the WCW World Champion, Tank Sinatra, the whole "fingerpoke of doom" with Hogan and Nash, etc.
Stupidity has always played a major role in wrestling and for every great match or great angle, there is always two to three times as many OK angles and a good number of totally whacked angles as well. Let's give the morons and the head-scratching moments their due and a DVD set to watch just for giggle purposes.
And there you go. My answers. Maybe I kind of pushed it a little bit with the answers since at least two of my picks were the starts of entire series of DVD sets, but I think that all of these I mentioned would sell well, make money and have an audience out there just waiting for a chance to see them.
And I guess that's enough from me today. A new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" will be up this weekend. And I might be back tomorrow with another column. Or I might not. Guess we'll have to wait and see on that. But that's enough of me for now anyhow.
Comments and questions can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Come visit me on MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me as a friend too. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and now, my "six minutes" are up. I'll see you next time. Have a great week and please, always be a fan.
Ubuntu!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Six Minutes: Going Extreme - December 10, 2008
Six Minutes: Going Extreme!
December 10, 2008
Doug Maynard
The best columns often come from the simpliest of questions and ideas, or so I'm hoping anyhow. A dear and wonderful friend, the esteemed Sakee Wildman, asked a question in her Yahoo group that involved two of my favorite things - fantasy booking and getting extreme. The question read as follows:
"You and Paul Heyman are in charge of holding this year's ECW One Night Stand. What would your eight matches be? Who would win? What would happen?"
And the ideas just started to roll around in my head. Putting myself and Paul Heyman in charge of "WWE One Night Stand 2008" would be... interesting, to say the least. I've decided to see what I can come up with, but first, to make it more realistic and a challenge, I'll say that since "ONS" is now promoted as a tri-brand PPV by the WWE, it has to prominently feature current WWE superstars in most of the matches. Vince would make sure of that.
And just to make it even more realistic, no wrestlers currently working for TNA (The Dudleys, Al Snow, Rhino, Mick Foley) or currently on bad terms with the WWE (Shane Douglas, Raven) would be usable either. And Vince would insist on some WWE-style hoopla, so there will be a little bit, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum.
I thought about going through the whole process of deciding who we would contact and use for the matches and laying out the card piece by piece, but then I remembered the very best "ONS" was the first one... and no one knew what to expect from opening bell to closing credits. And this show would be booked by Heyman and myself in much the same fashion. No scripting for the promos - just bullet points. No pre-advertised listing of matches. Just wait and see what transpires and get ready for a bumpy ride.
So there you go. So we cut immediately to the "One Night Stand 2008" Pay-Per-View broadcast. Joey Styles is handling the "play-by-play" , but Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are at the announce table as well, so we're getting a three man announce team. And now..
"One Night Stand 2008" (as presented by... me and the way I'd book it).
The lights flicker as we start and Paul Heyman comes to the ring. He cuts an emotional and often-times borderline shoot-promo about the return, once again, of "ONS" and how tonight, we're going to take it to the "freakin' extreme".
And here comes World Champion Edge and Vickie Guerrero to the ring, along with the recently returned Christian Cage. They run down Heyman and talk crap for a bit and that brings out current ECW World Champion Matt Hardy, along with brother Jeff. Words are exchanged and it almost comes to blows, but Heyman retores order and says if they want to battle it out, how about a "TLC" match in the main event with Edge & Christian taking on The Hardys.
Both teams agree, but here comes John Morrison & The Miz to the ring. "This is the new ECW", Morrison proclaims. And instead of having to watch the "same old crap" with the Hardys versus Edge & Christian, how about tonight's match is a "Triple Threat TLC" match. Everyone agrees and we get a brief bit of action as Miz shoves Jeff into Edge, Matt hits Christian, Morrison hits Edge and we have a quick brawl until Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison are all deposited to the floor by Jeff & Matt Hardy.
We go to Joel Gertner, with a mic who approaches Tommy Dreamer backstage. Dreamer has Beaulah with him and also Terry Funk. They're there tonight to take people back to the days when "extreme" meant more than an energy drink or the lastest "catch-phrase" . And they're headed towards the ring.
We go to the ring and Justin Roberts makes the announcements for the opening match. It's Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah in an "ECW Rules" match against the team of Mikey Whipwreck & Yoshihiro Tajiri w/ The Sinister Minister.
We get about ten minutes of great tag action as everyone gets to hit their spots and just beat the holy hell out of each other. In the final moments, Minister tries to hit Dreamer with his cane, but gets kicked low by Beaulah at ringside. Dreamer plants Whipwreck with a DDT and Funk comes off the top with a moonsault (that brings the crowd to their feet) and covers Whipwreck to get the pin.
Match 1: Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah defeated Mikey Whipwreck & Yashihiro Taijari w/ The Sinister Minister
As Funk and Dreamer celebrate in the ring, we go to the back where Joel Gertner is walking around the back with the camera and a mic looking for someone. He comes across JBL who is verbally abusing a young lady. Gertner tries to slip away unnoticed, but JBL sees him and starts yelling and screaming at Gertner as well and tries to bully Gertner.
A voice comes from off camera and tells JBL to "pick on someone his own size".. and it's Blue Meanie, Stevie Richards & Nova.. the "bWo". Words are exchanged and we end up with Meanie telling JBL to "get some partners and come to the ring"... JBL sneers and says "you're on" and walks away. Another match for later tonight.
Back to the ring and here comes Tammy Sytch to the ring. Tammy looks fantastic and is definitely having a "sunny day". She talks for a moment about how much ECW means to her and of course, here comes Dawn Marie, along with Lance Storm, Justin Credible & Jason.. "The Impact Players".
Dawn calls Tammy a "drug addict" and a "whore" who sold out and the only reason she came to ECW in the first place was because the WWE didn't want her "worn out, trashy ass" any more. Tammy attacks Dawn and Joey Styles gets to scream "Cat Fight" from ringside.
Storm, Credible and Jason quickly break it up and are holding Tammy while Dawn screams at her and slaps her a few times. The lights go out and the arena turns dark. They come back on and here is Sabu in the ring. Sabu goes all Sabullistic on everyone while Bill Alfonso blows his whistle at ringside.
Justin, Lance and Jason are circling the ring and Sabu is surrounded when music hits and "Enter Sandman" fills the arena. And here comes the Sandman through the crowd, drinking beer as he comes to the ring. Sandman and Sabu battle Storm, Credible & Jason while Tammy & Dawn are rolling around in a classic ECW "catfight". Security comes out and breaks it all up as the fans boo.
Here is Heyman with a mic. If they want to fight, let them fight. It's Intergender Tag Action as it's going to be Sabu, The Sandman and Tammy Sytch versus Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason and Dawn Marie.. And it starts right now.
Match 2: "Intergender Handicap Tag Match" - Sabu, The Sandman & Tammy Sytch w/ Bill Alfonso take on The Impact Players (Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason & Dawn Marie). It's chaos from start to finish and the match ends when Jason manages to steal a pin on Tammy Sytch after Credible nails Tammy with a kendo stick to the head. Winners: The Impact Players.
We go backstage and see JBL approaching Balls Mahoney about being his partner. Balls looks at JBL and tells him that he hopes the bWo beats the holy hell out of JBL's "wall street cowboy ass" and walks off. JBL is then approached by Mike Knox. Knox tells JBL that if he needs a partner, he's got one right there. And they shake hands as we go back to the ring.
In the ring is World Champion John Cena. Cena cuts his usual promo and half the audience is cheering while the other half is ready to riot.
And here comes Chris Jericho, to a great amount of cheers. Jericho talks about his early days in ECW and how much crap they were, turning the audience against him quickly as the cheers turn to boos. Jericho says that ECW is dead and should stay dead. The only thing that matters now is Chris Jericho and his quest to reclaim the World Championship.
Jericho goes on a rant about how he hates dead things, like ECW and the whole idea of "extreme" and how if he was able, he'd kick the ass of each and every dead concept in existence. Cena is just standing there in the ring listening. And the lights go out. Which marks the appearance of....
The Undertaker.
The lights come on and it's Undertaker standing in the ring with Cena and Jericho. Undertaker just glares at both Cena & Jericho and grabs Jericho by the throat. He lifts him up and it's chokeslam time. Cena is watching and laughs at Jericho. Taker turns to Cena and grabs him by the throat too. A chokeslam for Cena. Taker walks from the ring as both Cena and Jericho are left lying there.
We go backstage again and JBL and Knox approach Super Crazy. They are going to let him be their partner, but Crazy acts like he doesn't understand English and plays dumb. JBL and Knox are ready to beat the crap out of Crazy, but he points to a figure standing behind them. It's Kane. JBL and Knox let Super Crazy go and he quickly flees the area. JBL, Knox and Kane all stare at each other. Kane starts to smile and laugh. A smile forms on JBL's face too and then Knox starts to smile.
We go back to the ring and it's Nunzio (Little Guido) versus Spike Dudley in a short, but fast paced match that really showcases both men.
Match 3: Spike Dudley pinned Little Guido with a school-boy rollup.
Both mens shake hands afterwards. And then the lights go out for a moment and it's Abdullah the Butcher making his WWE debut as he quickly lays out and butchers both Guido and Spike with karate thrusts to the throats and elbow smashes. Then Abby pulls out a fork and just starts ripping at the head of Spike as security storms the ring and drags the crazed "Madman from the Sudan" from the ring.
We go to Styles, Grisham and Striker who comment on the chaos we just witnessed, plus comfirm that there will be a triple-threat match later with John Cena versus Chris Jericho versus The Undertaker. And also, that JBL has picked Kane & Mike Knox as his partners and will be facing the Blue World Order later as well. They also plug the main event of the "Tables, Ladders and Chairs" match with The Hardys taking on Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison.
And to the ring again as Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne take on Chavo Guerrero & "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas in a battle of the WWECW alumni. A good match with Rey & Bourne getting to show off all of their moves and Chavo playing the punching bag for their efforts. But in the end, it's Henry with "The World's Strongest Slam" on Bourne to pick up the victory for his team.
Match 4: Chavo Guerrero & Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas defeated Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne.
We're backstage again and see CM Punk in the back stretching and warming up. Paul Heyman walks into the room and tells Punk that he thought about what Punk had asked him about a match against an ECW legend on tonight's show and Heyman has decided to do it. Punk asks who he'll be wrestling and Heyman just smiles, telling Punk that his match will be coming up after the next match so just be ready to go the ring. Heyman walks out of the room as Punk watches.
We go back to the ring as Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix have come to the ring and have the mic. Santino declares himself more "extreme than anyone in ECW history, including 'the Doodly-Do-Rights, Mick Fooly or even the king of extreme, Gary Coleman. Santino continues to rant. And from the back comes ECW Original Jerry Lynn. Lynn gets in Santino's face. Lynn tells Santino and the world about the history, the pride, the magic of ECW and being "extreme". Santino scoffs and swings at Lynn, who blocks it and nails Santino, who drops to the floor. He tries to head to the back but as he approaches the stage, smome starts to appear and fill the arena.
And look. It's the Boogeyman. He does his little shake and dance bit and Santino flees back towards the ring, but seeing Lynn there waiting for hm, starts to head towards the back through an alternate exit. But alas, it's not to be as Santino and Beth run into The ECW Zombie. Santino and Beth are trapped between the Zombie, The Boogeyman and Lynn. Santino acts terrified. Beth is ready to kick everyone's asses, but seeing an opening, Santino grabs Beth by the arm and they flee to the back.
Zombie and Boogeyman continue to dance in the ring while Lynn motions for Santino to come back and fight. This crew is quickly joined by Hornswoggle as well. We have Jerry Lynn, Hornswoggle, The ECW Zombie and The Boogeyman all in the ring. Ron Simmons walks out on the stage with a mic in hand. He looks at everyone standing in the ring and says, as only he can...
"Damn!"
We move on to a video tribute to the stars of the WWE, WCW and ECW who are no longer with us.
And it's back to the ring for the next match. It's six man tag as JBL and friends take on the bWo. On his way to the ring, JBL stops off at the announce table and berates the announcers and pushes Joey Styles in the chest a few times before getting in the ring. The match is as chaotic as one might expect, with JBL and friends controlling most of the action with their power advantage.
At the announce table, Styles is shooting about what happened between himself and JBL in Iraq and how he's just wanting to let it go, but JBL is an arrogant bully and an asshole at times. JBL and his team are holding their advantage and JBL makes a point to point at and motion towards Styles at every available opportunity. Finally, Kane is working over Nova in the ring. JBL drops to the floor and comes over to the announce table and slaps Styles across the face, knocking hm to the floor.
JBL laughs and gets back on the apron, tagging himself into the match. It all breaks loose as Meanie and Knox battle to the floor and Stevie has eliminated Kane to the floor as well. JBL gets stunned by a knee by Nova and goes to the ropes to pull himself together. Styles, picking himself up from the floor and clearly pissed off, goes to the ring and just plants a fist into JBL's head. JBL reels and spins right into a Stevie-kick by Richards. Nova pins JBL and the bWo wins.
Match 5: The Blue World Order (Stevie Richards, Blue Meanie and Super Nova) defeated JBL, Mike Knox and Kane
JBL is livid and tries to go after Styles, but Matt Striker and security keep JBL away from Joey, who goes into the ring to celebrate with Stevie, Meanie and Nova and cuts loose with a huge and emotional "Oh my God!" for the fans.
We go back to the back where ECW World Champion Matt Hardy and his brother Jeff are warming up for their "TLC" match later in the night. Tazz approaches them and tells them how much he likes their work and how glad he is to see that "the aura of extreme" is still alive and well with both Matt & Jeff. He wishes them well in their match tonight and then says that he has some people he'd like them to meet, two truly "extreme legend".
In walks in "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka and "Magnificent" Don Muraco - two WWE Hall of Famers, who incidentially were also the first and third ECW World Champions. Muraco puts over how much he likes to watch Matt wrestle and he does the ECW Championship proud while Snuka & Jeff just sort of stare at each other. Muraco, Snuka & Tazz walk out while Jeff just stares after Snuka. Matt just looks at Jeff and shakes his head, walking away.
We go back to the ring where CM Punk is standing in the ring and awaiting his opponent for his match. Heyman comes out and tells Punk that "I promised you a legend... I promised you extreme.. and now, I deliver"... Music hits and here comes, accompanied by Bill Alfonso, RVD.
Punk smiles as RVD gets into the ring. Handshake and then it's on to action as both men go all out, trading moves, kicks, chops, more kicks, battling on the floor, more kicks, and hitting each other with everything but the kitchen sink. In the end, RVD wins after countering the "GTS" with a DDT and then hitting the five-star frogsplash from the top to get the pin.
Match 6: RVD (with Bill Alfonso) defeated CM Punk
We now go to the back where Paul Heyman is talking to ECW General Manager Teddy Long. Long compliments Heyman on how great the show has been and says that if Heyman ever decides to come back to the WWE full time, he's always welcome at ECW. Heyman thanks Teddy, but says that this was just for one night. There are people in the WWE who don't like Paul and think he's too controversial and out there sometimes. Teddy and Heyman shake hands as we go back to the ring for the next match.
Triple Threat Extreme Rules as World Champion John Cena takes on Chris Jericho and The Undertaker. It's non-title, but anything goes. Craziness and choas are the rule of the day and this match is no exception Jericho manages to steal a win when Big Show comes out and punches out Undertaker. Cena gets distracted and Jericho pulls some brass knucks from out of his tights to lay out Cena and pick up a win.
Match 7: Chris Jericho defeated World Champion John Cena and The Undertaker in a Non-Title Triple Threat Match.
We go back to the back where Edge & Christian are with Vickie Guerrero and getting ready to head towards the ring. Edge is telling Vickie not to worry and that they've beaten The Hardys so many times in these kind of matches, they can do it in their sleep. And also, they have their "Problem Solver" if things get out of hand. We see Tyson Tomko standing there.
We see two figures come in and it's Miz and John Morrison. They tell Edge and Christian to "not worry about the Hardys because the next feature on the 'Dirt Sheet' will be about Miz & Morrison taking everyone out. Miz tells Tomko that if he gets involved in the match, he can be taken out too. Miz & Morrison tell Edge & Christian that they'll "see them in the ring" and walk out. Christian tells Edge that they have to go and "the peeps will be dancing in the streets" as Edge & Christian dominate and destroy both the Hardys and the "pretty boys". And as they're walking out of the room, Christian suggests to Edge that maybe they give the fans a real treat tonight... how about a "five second pose"? Edge says, "We'll see!".
We go to the ring and Joey Styles is standing in the ring. He gets on the mic to introduce the "special guest ring announcer" that "we had to sneak into the building". Joey introduces "The Franchise" Shane Douglas. Douglas comes to the ring and talks for a moment about how much ECW means to him. The tears are running down his face and the emotion is extreme, to say the least. Douglas gets to work and introduces the three teams for the next match. It's Tables, Ladders and Chairs" - which means anything goes.
Edge and Christian are the first team out w/ Tyson Tomko in tow and cut a promo on the fans, ripping apart ECW and it's legacy and get in a few shots at Shane Douglas as well. They they do a "Five Second Pose" for the fans.
Next comes out Miz & John Morrison who stop about half-way to the ring. If Edge and Christian want to have their "problem solver" at ringside, then so can Miz & Morrison and their's is more "extreme" than Tomko could ever hope to be. And out comes Melina, complete with her red carpet and photographers.
And finally, ECW World Champion Matt & brother Jeff Hardy come to the ring to a huge pop that nearly blows the roof off the place.
The match is brutal, chaotic,dangerous and bloody. Jeff is the first to bleed and Miz, Christian and Edge quickly follow suit. Both Tomko and Melina are interfering on a regular basis and the referees have no control at all. Finally, Matt manages to nail Morrison with a "Twist Of Fate" and Jeff Hardy goes to the top for the Swanton. Melina is up and grabs Jeff's foot, causing him to tumble to the mat. A figure comes from the audience and comes over the barrier.. it's a young woman and the flaming red hair quickly gives it away as Lita has made her return.
Lita pulls down Melina and levels her with a big left on the floor.
Christian hits the Unprettier on Matt and is going for the pin, but Miz breaks it up. Tomko is in the ring and nails Miz from behind before tossing him to the floor. Edge is going for the spear on Jeff, but Jeff moves and Edge accidentially spears Tomko instead. Morrison is nailed by flying bodies of Edge and Tomko and is stunned. Matt with a side-effect on Morrison. Christian has a chair and nails Matt. Jeff with a spin-kick that puts the chair back in Christian's face, leaving him stunned. Tomko is back up and goes after Jeff with a clothesline.
Edge is bringing a table in and Tomko starts putting Jeff on the table. Miz tries to interfere, but Tomko kicks him in the face and tries to put him on the table as well next to Jeff. Morrison is back up and has a chair, swinging it wildly to clear the ring of Edge, Christian and Tomko.
Morrison helps Miz up and they punch at Jeff for a moment before leaving him still on the table. Miz sets up a ladder and starts to climb as Matt is back up and plants Morrison with a twist of fate. Matt helps up Jeff who quickly scales the ladder from the other side and unloads on Miz, causing him to fall from the ladder to the mat. Matt has placed Morrison on the table and Jeff quickly climbs to the top of the ladder. It's Jeff with a swanton from the top of the ladder across Morrison. It's one-two..
And Edge, Christian and Tomko break it up before the three count. Spear by Edge on Matt as Tomko powerbombs Jeff to the mat. Christian covers and the ref counts three.
Match 8: Edge & Christian w/ Tyson Tomko defeated The Hardys w/ Lita and The Miz & John Morrison w/ Melina in a "TLC" Match.
The match is over, but Edge and Christian aren't finished. They're setting up a table in the ring and Tomko has grabbed Lita, who came into the ring to check on Matt and Jeff. They're going to put Lita through the table.
And here comes from the back ECW Legends Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and "Magnificent" Don Muraco, leading a whole mob of ECW Superstars, including the bWo, RVD, CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, Super Crazy, Balls Mahoney, Terry Funk, The Sandman, Jerry Lynn, Evan Bourne, Rey Mysterio and a few others as well.
The group storms the ring and Edge and Christian quickly bail to the floor to escape. Tyson tries, but just isn't quick enough as Punk and Dreamer catch him and pull him back into the center of the ring. Tomko gets quickly peppered by a series of punches and moves by the ECW Alumni Past and Present - a Stevie-Kick by Richards, a DDT by Dreamer, A cane-shot by Sandman, a "619" by Mysterio and a "GTS" by CM Punk.
Tyson is sprawled out in the center of the ring. Jeff Hardy and Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka are staring at each other again. They look at RVD as well and al three men nod. All three men go to different corners and climb up. It's Jeff high in the air with a Swanton on Tomko. RVD follows seconds later with a bone-crushing "Five Star" splash. And then the gand finale as Snuka flies with the "Superfly Splash" on Tomko.
Super Crazy and Balls Mahoney toss Tomko to the floor, where Edge & Christian quickly grab their beaten partner and head towards the back. Paul Heyman comes out and joins the crowd in the ring and Styles, Grisham and Striker join the crowd in the ring as well. It's time for beers and celebration as the show comes to an end.
The End.
And there you go. I hope this has sufficentially answered your question Sakee. Eight matches, who would win and what would happen. I believe I managed to cover it all.
And that's it for me. I'll be back on the weekend with a new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News", but as for now, I think my "six minutes" are up. Questions and comments are extremely welcome so tell me what you think about my "booking skills" and if you'd like to see a card like the one I came up with above. And if you have any ideas for future "Six Minutes" columns, no matter how crazy or obscure they might seem, toss 'em my way and let me see what I can do with them.
Quick note here: Happy Birthday to a super-cool dude that I've known for many years, Mr. Christopher Alan Boone. Love ya, guy! I hope it's a totally funtastic and great one for ya! Remember, you're not getting older, just better! Have fun and stay good.
Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo. com. Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace. com/salt_ palace.
I'm Doug and I am gone. See you the next time.
Ubuntu!
December 10, 2008
Doug Maynard
The best columns often come from the simpliest of questions and ideas, or so I'm hoping anyhow. A dear and wonderful friend, the esteemed Sakee Wildman, asked a question in her Yahoo group that involved two of my favorite things - fantasy booking and getting extreme. The question read as follows:
"You and Paul Heyman are in charge of holding this year's ECW One Night Stand. What would your eight matches be? Who would win? What would happen?"
And the ideas just started to roll around in my head. Putting myself and Paul Heyman in charge of "WWE One Night Stand 2008" would be... interesting, to say the least. I've decided to see what I can come up with, but first, to make it more realistic and a challenge, I'll say that since "ONS" is now promoted as a tri-brand PPV by the WWE, it has to prominently feature current WWE superstars in most of the matches. Vince would make sure of that.
And just to make it even more realistic, no wrestlers currently working for TNA (The Dudleys, Al Snow, Rhino, Mick Foley) or currently on bad terms with the WWE (Shane Douglas, Raven) would be usable either. And Vince would insist on some WWE-style hoopla, so there will be a little bit, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum.
I thought about going through the whole process of deciding who we would contact and use for the matches and laying out the card piece by piece, but then I remembered the very best "ONS" was the first one... and no one knew what to expect from opening bell to closing credits. And this show would be booked by Heyman and myself in much the same fashion. No scripting for the promos - just bullet points. No pre-advertised listing of matches. Just wait and see what transpires and get ready for a bumpy ride.
So there you go. So we cut immediately to the "One Night Stand 2008" Pay-Per-View broadcast. Joey Styles is handling the "play-by-play" , but Todd Grisham and Matt Striker are at the announce table as well, so we're getting a three man announce team. And now..
"One Night Stand 2008" (as presented by... me and the way I'd book it).
The lights flicker as we start and Paul Heyman comes to the ring. He cuts an emotional and often-times borderline shoot-promo about the return, once again, of "ONS" and how tonight, we're going to take it to the "freakin' extreme".
And here comes World Champion Edge and Vickie Guerrero to the ring, along with the recently returned Christian Cage. They run down Heyman and talk crap for a bit and that brings out current ECW World Champion Matt Hardy, along with brother Jeff. Words are exchanged and it almost comes to blows, but Heyman retores order and says if they want to battle it out, how about a "TLC" match in the main event with Edge & Christian taking on The Hardys.
Both teams agree, but here comes John Morrison & The Miz to the ring. "This is the new ECW", Morrison proclaims. And instead of having to watch the "same old crap" with the Hardys versus Edge & Christian, how about tonight's match is a "Triple Threat TLC" match. Everyone agrees and we get a brief bit of action as Miz shoves Jeff into Edge, Matt hits Christian, Morrison hits Edge and we have a quick brawl until Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison are all deposited to the floor by Jeff & Matt Hardy.
We go to Joel Gertner, with a mic who approaches Tommy Dreamer backstage. Dreamer has Beaulah with him and also Terry Funk. They're there tonight to take people back to the days when "extreme" meant more than an energy drink or the lastest "catch-phrase" . And they're headed towards the ring.
We go to the ring and Justin Roberts makes the announcements for the opening match. It's Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah in an "ECW Rules" match against the team of Mikey Whipwreck & Yoshihiro Tajiri w/ The Sinister Minister.
We get about ten minutes of great tag action as everyone gets to hit their spots and just beat the holy hell out of each other. In the final moments, Minister tries to hit Dreamer with his cane, but gets kicked low by Beaulah at ringside. Dreamer plants Whipwreck with a DDT and Funk comes off the top with a moonsault (that brings the crowd to their feet) and covers Whipwreck to get the pin.
Match 1: Tommy Dreamer & Terry Funk w/ Beaulah defeated Mikey Whipwreck & Yashihiro Taijari w/ The Sinister Minister
As Funk and Dreamer celebrate in the ring, we go to the back where Joel Gertner is walking around the back with the camera and a mic looking for someone. He comes across JBL who is verbally abusing a young lady. Gertner tries to slip away unnoticed, but JBL sees him and starts yelling and screaming at Gertner as well and tries to bully Gertner.
A voice comes from off camera and tells JBL to "pick on someone his own size".. and it's Blue Meanie, Stevie Richards & Nova.. the "bWo". Words are exchanged and we end up with Meanie telling JBL to "get some partners and come to the ring"... JBL sneers and says "you're on" and walks away. Another match for later tonight.
Back to the ring and here comes Tammy Sytch to the ring. Tammy looks fantastic and is definitely having a "sunny day". She talks for a moment about how much ECW means to her and of course, here comes Dawn Marie, along with Lance Storm, Justin Credible & Jason.. "The Impact Players".
Dawn calls Tammy a "drug addict" and a "whore" who sold out and the only reason she came to ECW in the first place was because the WWE didn't want her "worn out, trashy ass" any more. Tammy attacks Dawn and Joey Styles gets to scream "Cat Fight" from ringside.
Storm, Credible and Jason quickly break it up and are holding Tammy while Dawn screams at her and slaps her a few times. The lights go out and the arena turns dark. They come back on and here is Sabu in the ring. Sabu goes all Sabullistic on everyone while Bill Alfonso blows his whistle at ringside.
Justin, Lance and Jason are circling the ring and Sabu is surrounded when music hits and "Enter Sandman" fills the arena. And here comes the Sandman through the crowd, drinking beer as he comes to the ring. Sandman and Sabu battle Storm, Credible & Jason while Tammy & Dawn are rolling around in a classic ECW "catfight". Security comes out and breaks it all up as the fans boo.
Here is Heyman with a mic. If they want to fight, let them fight. It's Intergender Tag Action as it's going to be Sabu, The Sandman and Tammy Sytch versus Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason and Dawn Marie.. And it starts right now.
Match 2: "Intergender Handicap Tag Match" - Sabu, The Sandman & Tammy Sytch w/ Bill Alfonso take on The Impact Players (Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jason & Dawn Marie). It's chaos from start to finish and the match ends when Jason manages to steal a pin on Tammy Sytch after Credible nails Tammy with a kendo stick to the head. Winners: The Impact Players.
We go backstage and see JBL approaching Balls Mahoney about being his partner. Balls looks at JBL and tells him that he hopes the bWo beats the holy hell out of JBL's "wall street cowboy ass" and walks off. JBL is then approached by Mike Knox. Knox tells JBL that if he needs a partner, he's got one right there. And they shake hands as we go back to the ring.
In the ring is World Champion John Cena. Cena cuts his usual promo and half the audience is cheering while the other half is ready to riot.
And here comes Chris Jericho, to a great amount of cheers. Jericho talks about his early days in ECW and how much crap they were, turning the audience against him quickly as the cheers turn to boos. Jericho says that ECW is dead and should stay dead. The only thing that matters now is Chris Jericho and his quest to reclaim the World Championship.
Jericho goes on a rant about how he hates dead things, like ECW and the whole idea of "extreme" and how if he was able, he'd kick the ass of each and every dead concept in existence. Cena is just standing there in the ring listening. And the lights go out. Which marks the appearance of....
The Undertaker.
The lights come on and it's Undertaker standing in the ring with Cena and Jericho. Undertaker just glares at both Cena & Jericho and grabs Jericho by the throat. He lifts him up and it's chokeslam time. Cena is watching and laughs at Jericho. Taker turns to Cena and grabs him by the throat too. A chokeslam for Cena. Taker walks from the ring as both Cena and Jericho are left lying there.
We go backstage again and JBL and Knox approach Super Crazy. They are going to let him be their partner, but Crazy acts like he doesn't understand English and plays dumb. JBL and Knox are ready to beat the crap out of Crazy, but he points to a figure standing behind them. It's Kane. JBL and Knox let Super Crazy go and he quickly flees the area. JBL, Knox and Kane all stare at each other. Kane starts to smile and laugh. A smile forms on JBL's face too and then Knox starts to smile.
We go back to the ring and it's Nunzio (Little Guido) versus Spike Dudley in a short, but fast paced match that really showcases both men.
Match 3: Spike Dudley pinned Little Guido with a school-boy rollup.
Both mens shake hands afterwards. And then the lights go out for a moment and it's Abdullah the Butcher making his WWE debut as he quickly lays out and butchers both Guido and Spike with karate thrusts to the throats and elbow smashes. Then Abby pulls out a fork and just starts ripping at the head of Spike as security storms the ring and drags the crazed "Madman from the Sudan" from the ring.
We go to Styles, Grisham and Striker who comment on the chaos we just witnessed, plus comfirm that there will be a triple-threat match later with John Cena versus Chris Jericho versus The Undertaker. And also, that JBL has picked Kane & Mike Knox as his partners and will be facing the Blue World Order later as well. They also plug the main event of the "Tables, Ladders and Chairs" match with The Hardys taking on Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison.
And to the ring again as Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne take on Chavo Guerrero & "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas in a battle of the WWECW alumni. A good match with Rey & Bourne getting to show off all of their moves and Chavo playing the punching bag for their efforts. But in the end, it's Henry with "The World's Strongest Slam" on Bourne to pick up the victory for his team.
Match 4: Chavo Guerrero & Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas defeated Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne.
We're backstage again and see CM Punk in the back stretching and warming up. Paul Heyman walks into the room and tells Punk that he thought about what Punk had asked him about a match against an ECW legend on tonight's show and Heyman has decided to do it. Punk asks who he'll be wrestling and Heyman just smiles, telling Punk that his match will be coming up after the next match so just be ready to go the ring. Heyman walks out of the room as Punk watches.
We go back to the ring as Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix have come to the ring and have the mic. Santino declares himself more "extreme than anyone in ECW history, including 'the Doodly-Do-Rights, Mick Fooly or even the king of extreme, Gary Coleman. Santino continues to rant. And from the back comes ECW Original Jerry Lynn. Lynn gets in Santino's face. Lynn tells Santino and the world about the history, the pride, the magic of ECW and being "extreme". Santino scoffs and swings at Lynn, who blocks it and nails Santino, who drops to the floor. He tries to head to the back but as he approaches the stage, smome starts to appear and fill the arena.
And look. It's the Boogeyman. He does his little shake and dance bit and Santino flees back towards the ring, but seeing Lynn there waiting for hm, starts to head towards the back through an alternate exit. But alas, it's not to be as Santino and Beth run into The ECW Zombie. Santino and Beth are trapped between the Zombie, The Boogeyman and Lynn. Santino acts terrified. Beth is ready to kick everyone's asses, but seeing an opening, Santino grabs Beth by the arm and they flee to the back.
Zombie and Boogeyman continue to dance in the ring while Lynn motions for Santino to come back and fight. This crew is quickly joined by Hornswoggle as well. We have Jerry Lynn, Hornswoggle, The ECW Zombie and The Boogeyman all in the ring. Ron Simmons walks out on the stage with a mic in hand. He looks at everyone standing in the ring and says, as only he can...
"Damn!"
We move on to a video tribute to the stars of the WWE, WCW and ECW who are no longer with us.
And it's back to the ring for the next match. It's six man tag as JBL and friends take on the bWo. On his way to the ring, JBL stops off at the announce table and berates the announcers and pushes Joey Styles in the chest a few times before getting in the ring. The match is as chaotic as one might expect, with JBL and friends controlling most of the action with their power advantage.
At the announce table, Styles is shooting about what happened between himself and JBL in Iraq and how he's just wanting to let it go, but JBL is an arrogant bully and an asshole at times. JBL and his team are holding their advantage and JBL makes a point to point at and motion towards Styles at every available opportunity. Finally, Kane is working over Nova in the ring. JBL drops to the floor and comes over to the announce table and slaps Styles across the face, knocking hm to the floor.
JBL laughs and gets back on the apron, tagging himself into the match. It all breaks loose as Meanie and Knox battle to the floor and Stevie has eliminated Kane to the floor as well. JBL gets stunned by a knee by Nova and goes to the ropes to pull himself together. Styles, picking himself up from the floor and clearly pissed off, goes to the ring and just plants a fist into JBL's head. JBL reels and spins right into a Stevie-kick by Richards. Nova pins JBL and the bWo wins.
Match 5: The Blue World Order (Stevie Richards, Blue Meanie and Super Nova) defeated JBL, Mike Knox and Kane
JBL is livid and tries to go after Styles, but Matt Striker and security keep JBL away from Joey, who goes into the ring to celebrate with Stevie, Meanie and Nova and cuts loose with a huge and emotional "Oh my God!" for the fans.
We go back to the back where ECW World Champion Matt Hardy and his brother Jeff are warming up for their "TLC" match later in the night. Tazz approaches them and tells them how much he likes their work and how glad he is to see that "the aura of extreme" is still alive and well with both Matt & Jeff. He wishes them well in their match tonight and then says that he has some people he'd like them to meet, two truly "extreme legend".
In walks in "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka and "Magnificent" Don Muraco - two WWE Hall of Famers, who incidentially were also the first and third ECW World Champions. Muraco puts over how much he likes to watch Matt wrestle and he does the ECW Championship proud while Snuka & Jeff just sort of stare at each other. Muraco, Snuka & Tazz walk out while Jeff just stares after Snuka. Matt just looks at Jeff and shakes his head, walking away.
We go back to the ring where CM Punk is standing in the ring and awaiting his opponent for his match. Heyman comes out and tells Punk that "I promised you a legend... I promised you extreme.. and now, I deliver"... Music hits and here comes, accompanied by Bill Alfonso, RVD.
Punk smiles as RVD gets into the ring. Handshake and then it's on to action as both men go all out, trading moves, kicks, chops, more kicks, battling on the floor, more kicks, and hitting each other with everything but the kitchen sink. In the end, RVD wins after countering the "GTS" with a DDT and then hitting the five-star frogsplash from the top to get the pin.
Match 6: RVD (with Bill Alfonso) defeated CM Punk
We now go to the back where Paul Heyman is talking to ECW General Manager Teddy Long. Long compliments Heyman on how great the show has been and says that if Heyman ever decides to come back to the WWE full time, he's always welcome at ECW. Heyman thanks Teddy, but says that this was just for one night. There are people in the WWE who don't like Paul and think he's too controversial and out there sometimes. Teddy and Heyman shake hands as we go back to the ring for the next match.
Triple Threat Extreme Rules as World Champion John Cena takes on Chris Jericho and The Undertaker. It's non-title, but anything goes. Craziness and choas are the rule of the day and this match is no exception Jericho manages to steal a win when Big Show comes out and punches out Undertaker. Cena gets distracted and Jericho pulls some brass knucks from out of his tights to lay out Cena and pick up a win.
Match 7: Chris Jericho defeated World Champion John Cena and The Undertaker in a Non-Title Triple Threat Match.
We go back to the back where Edge & Christian are with Vickie Guerrero and getting ready to head towards the ring. Edge is telling Vickie not to worry and that they've beaten The Hardys so many times in these kind of matches, they can do it in their sleep. And also, they have their "Problem Solver" if things get out of hand. We see Tyson Tomko standing there.
We see two figures come in and it's Miz and John Morrison. They tell Edge and Christian to "not worry about the Hardys because the next feature on the 'Dirt Sheet' will be about Miz & Morrison taking everyone out. Miz tells Tomko that if he gets involved in the match, he can be taken out too. Miz & Morrison tell Edge & Christian that they'll "see them in the ring" and walk out. Christian tells Edge that they have to go and "the peeps will be dancing in the streets" as Edge & Christian dominate and destroy both the Hardys and the "pretty boys". And as they're walking out of the room, Christian suggests to Edge that maybe they give the fans a real treat tonight... how about a "five second pose"? Edge says, "We'll see!".
We go to the ring and Joey Styles is standing in the ring. He gets on the mic to introduce the "special guest ring announcer" that "we had to sneak into the building". Joey introduces "The Franchise" Shane Douglas. Douglas comes to the ring and talks for a moment about how much ECW means to him. The tears are running down his face and the emotion is extreme, to say the least. Douglas gets to work and introduces the three teams for the next match. It's Tables, Ladders and Chairs" - which means anything goes.
Edge and Christian are the first team out w/ Tyson Tomko in tow and cut a promo on the fans, ripping apart ECW and it's legacy and get in a few shots at Shane Douglas as well. They they do a "Five Second Pose" for the fans.
Next comes out Miz & John Morrison who stop about half-way to the ring. If Edge and Christian want to have their "problem solver" at ringside, then so can Miz & Morrison and their's is more "extreme" than Tomko could ever hope to be. And out comes Melina, complete with her red carpet and photographers.
And finally, ECW World Champion Matt & brother Jeff Hardy come to the ring to a huge pop that nearly blows the roof off the place.
The match is brutal, chaotic,dangerous and bloody. Jeff is the first to bleed and Miz, Christian and Edge quickly follow suit. Both Tomko and Melina are interfering on a regular basis and the referees have no control at all. Finally, Matt manages to nail Morrison with a "Twist Of Fate" and Jeff Hardy goes to the top for the Swanton. Melina is up and grabs Jeff's foot, causing him to tumble to the mat. A figure comes from the audience and comes over the barrier.. it's a young woman and the flaming red hair quickly gives it away as Lita has made her return.
Lita pulls down Melina and levels her with a big left on the floor.
Christian hits the Unprettier on Matt and is going for the pin, but Miz breaks it up. Tomko is in the ring and nails Miz from behind before tossing him to the floor. Edge is going for the spear on Jeff, but Jeff moves and Edge accidentially spears Tomko instead. Morrison is nailed by flying bodies of Edge and Tomko and is stunned. Matt with a side-effect on Morrison. Christian has a chair and nails Matt. Jeff with a spin-kick that puts the chair back in Christian's face, leaving him stunned. Tomko is back up and goes after Jeff with a clothesline.
Edge is bringing a table in and Tomko starts putting Jeff on the table. Miz tries to interfere, but Tomko kicks him in the face and tries to put him on the table as well next to Jeff. Morrison is back up and has a chair, swinging it wildly to clear the ring of Edge, Christian and Tomko.
Morrison helps Miz up and they punch at Jeff for a moment before leaving him still on the table. Miz sets up a ladder and starts to climb as Matt is back up and plants Morrison with a twist of fate. Matt helps up Jeff who quickly scales the ladder from the other side and unloads on Miz, causing him to fall from the ladder to the mat. Matt has placed Morrison on the table and Jeff quickly climbs to the top of the ladder. It's Jeff with a swanton from the top of the ladder across Morrison. It's one-two..
And Edge, Christian and Tomko break it up before the three count. Spear by Edge on Matt as Tomko powerbombs Jeff to the mat. Christian covers and the ref counts three.
Match 8: Edge & Christian w/ Tyson Tomko defeated The Hardys w/ Lita and The Miz & John Morrison w/ Melina in a "TLC" Match.
The match is over, but Edge and Christian aren't finished. They're setting up a table in the ring and Tomko has grabbed Lita, who came into the ring to check on Matt and Jeff. They're going to put Lita through the table.
And here comes from the back ECW Legends Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and "Magnificent" Don Muraco, leading a whole mob of ECW Superstars, including the bWo, RVD, CM Punk, Tommy Dreamer, Super Crazy, Balls Mahoney, Terry Funk, The Sandman, Jerry Lynn, Evan Bourne, Rey Mysterio and a few others as well.
The group storms the ring and Edge and Christian quickly bail to the floor to escape. Tyson tries, but just isn't quick enough as Punk and Dreamer catch him and pull him back into the center of the ring. Tomko gets quickly peppered by a series of punches and moves by the ECW Alumni Past and Present - a Stevie-Kick by Richards, a DDT by Dreamer, A cane-shot by Sandman, a "619" by Mysterio and a "GTS" by CM Punk.
Tyson is sprawled out in the center of the ring. Jeff Hardy and Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka are staring at each other again. They look at RVD as well and al three men nod. All three men go to different corners and climb up. It's Jeff high in the air with a Swanton on Tomko. RVD follows seconds later with a bone-crushing "Five Star" splash. And then the gand finale as Snuka flies with the "Superfly Splash" on Tomko.
Super Crazy and Balls Mahoney toss Tomko to the floor, where Edge & Christian quickly grab their beaten partner and head towards the back. Paul Heyman comes out and joins the crowd in the ring and Styles, Grisham and Striker join the crowd in the ring as well. It's time for beers and celebration as the show comes to an end.
The End.
And there you go. I hope this has sufficentially answered your question Sakee. Eight matches, who would win and what would happen. I believe I managed to cover it all.
And that's it for me. I'll be back on the weekend with a new "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News", but as for now, I think my "six minutes" are up. Questions and comments are extremely welcome so tell me what you think about my "booking skills" and if you'd like to see a card like the one I came up with above. And if you have any ideas for future "Six Minutes" columns, no matter how crazy or obscure they might seem, toss 'em my way and let me see what I can do with them.
Quick note here: Happy Birthday to a super-cool dude that I've known for many years, Mr. Christopher Alan Boone. Love ya, guy! I hope it's a totally funtastic and great one for ya! Remember, you're not getting older, just better! Have fun and stay good.
Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo. com. Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace. com/salt_ palace.
I'm Doug and I am gone. See you the next time.
Ubuntu!
Just Another Day At The Office (A Vince McMahon / WWE Fic) - December 21, 2008
Just Another Day At The Office...
December 21, 2008
Stamford, CT
WWE Headquarters
(Vince McMahon is on the phone with WWE Executive Johnny Ace)
Vince: So what's the hold up with Rey Mysterio's contract? Has he signed the extension yet? What? He wants what? A Red Ryder BB Gun? Absolutely not! He'll put his eye out... Just get to it and get Rey to sign that contract. I'll see you tomorrow at RAW.
Vince hung up the phone and sat back in his chair.
"I guess I should go over my Christmas list and make sure all of my shopping is finished", he thought.
Vince put on his glasses and turned to the computer on his desk. A few buttons are pushed and a list pops up on the screen.
"Twenty-five cases of beer to Austin? Check! The customized Harley Davidson to Undertaker? Check! The trip to Vegas for Linda? Check! The fishing boat for Stephanie and Hunter? Check! The 'Rock 'Em - Sock 'Em Robots' for Shane? Check! 'The Best of Dr. Hiney DVD' for Ross? Check! The subscription to 'Girls Gone Wild' for Lawler? Check! A box of steaks for JBL? Check! A case of Jack Daniels for Hayes? Check! And copies of the new 'Raw versus Smackdown 2008' game for the rest of the WWE superstars."
Vince checked his list off and then checked it twice to make sure he hadn't missed anyone. There was a knock at his office door.
"Come in!", Vince said.
And in came Stephanie McMahon.
"Daddy, are you busy?", Stephanie asked?
"Never too busy for my Princess", Vince said as he stood up and gave his daughter a quick peck on the cheek.
"OK, I had this great idea and I wanted to run it by you", Stephanie said.
"This isn't the one about the WWE Superstars filming a remake of 'Rent', is it?", Vince asked?
"No Daddy, although I'm still waiting for Kevin Dunn to get back to me about that.", said Steph.
"So what's your idea, sweet-pea?", Vince asked?
"I think the WWE should have a special Christmas show.", Steph said.
"We already do. It's the 'Tribute To The Troops' show from Iraq that we aired last Saturday night on NBC."
"No, not that show", Stephanie said. "I mean a real Christmas show, complete with trees and ribbons and songs and dance."
"Like a variety show?", Vince asked.
"Exactly", Steph said happily. "We could have skits where the WWE Superstars portray different characters like Jesus and the Three Wise Little Pigs..."
"That's 'Wise Men'", Vince said.
"What?", Steph said. "It's Jesus and the Three Wise Men."
"Oh", said Steph. "But Aurora and Murphy like the three little pigs better."
"Of course", Vince said.
"So as I was saying, we can have them do skits. Like Santa Claus and the Seven Dwarfs"
"That's Snow White and the ...??", Vince started to say.
"What?", Steph said.
"Never mind", said Vince. "Continue please."
"Just imagine the ratings. We could have all of the Cruiserweights dress up like elves and Hornswoggle could be the head elf. And then Kane could come in and choke-slam them all and set them on fire."
"Kane... setting elves on fire?", Vince said slowly.
"And Melina could dress up like a snow-woman.. she really has a big ass... and Beth Phoenix could challenge her to a snow-bunny, Santa on a pole match."
"A.... snow... bunny... Santa...on a pole... match?", Vince said.
"And we could put tuxedos and those cute little reindeer antlers on all of the WWE superstars.... Randy would look so cute with little antlers and a red nose like Rupert.."
"That's Rudolph", said Vince.
"Who, daddy?", Steph said?
"Rudolph. He's the reindeer with the red nose", said Vince.
"No, I meant Rupert. He's the drunk guy who lives in the alley near my condo. He's got the reddest little nose.."
"Ummm... OK", said Vince.
"And we could have the WWE Superstars singing Christmas carols. Just picture Santino and Jillian singing a duet of 'Merry Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)' and Jamie Noble doing 'The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas'. We're talking about major ratings here, Daddy."
"We're talking about major headaches here, I believe", Vince said.
"What, Daddy? You don't like my ideas?", said Stephanie, putting on a pouty face and sticking out her lips.
"I like them. I just think they're a little... too...."
Vince closed his eyes as he struggled to find the right word.
"Advanced", Vince said. "Yes, that's it. They're a bit too advanced for the average WWE fan. All the fans expect from our wrestlers are athletics and great stories.."
"And we give them that, don't we Daddy?", Steph inquired.
"Of course we do, Princess!", Vince said. "But the idea of a variety show might be a bit too extreme for the average wrestling fan to accept. We know that our Superstars are extremely capable of doing variety, but will the fans accept them doing it? That remains to be seen."
"So what should I do about my idea?", Stephanie asked.
"Write it all down and send it to Kevin Dunn. See what he thinks of the whole idea. And I'll give it some thought as well and we can discuss it at the next staff meeting."
"Thanks Daddy, you're the greatest", said Steph as she reached over and kissed her father on the cheek.
"Now get out of here, Princess. I have a billion dollar corporation to run.", said Vince.
"OK, Daddy. I'll see you at RAW tomorrow night", said Steph as she stood up and walked from the room.
Vince watched her leave and turned back to his desk. On a small post-it-note, he quickly wrote a note to himself.
"Skip next staff meeting!"
And then he opened back up his Christmas list on the computer and quickly scrolled up to the name of his daughter, Stephanie McMahon.
"A nice, long vacation... somewhere far, far away. And a good therapist", he quickly added to her name.
"Singing and dancing WWE Superstars doing Christmas skits? What in the hell is that girl thinking?", he thought to himself as he closed the page on his computer.
And then he opened another window. It was a list of future story-line ideas he had for the different WWE Superstars.
"Time for some serious work", Vince thought as he began to type.
"Have Charlie Haas wear a skull-cap and cape and be a goose-stepping Nazi aka Baron Von Haaske... Kane can stalk Kelly some more and beat up Kofi Kingston for having a bad hair day. And have Santino dress "ghetto" and try to join Cryme Tyme."
"Steph and her crazy ideas", Vince thought to himself as he continued to type. "She must get it from her mother. She sure as hell didn't get it from me."
THE END
December 21, 2008
Stamford, CT
WWE Headquarters
(Vince McMahon is on the phone with WWE Executive Johnny Ace)
Vince: So what's the hold up with Rey Mysterio's contract? Has he signed the extension yet? What? He wants what? A Red Ryder BB Gun? Absolutely not! He'll put his eye out... Just get to it and get Rey to sign that contract. I'll see you tomorrow at RAW.
Vince hung up the phone and sat back in his chair.
"I guess I should go over my Christmas list and make sure all of my shopping is finished", he thought.
Vince put on his glasses and turned to the computer on his desk. A few buttons are pushed and a list pops up on the screen.
"Twenty-five cases of beer to Austin? Check! The customized Harley Davidson to Undertaker? Check! The trip to Vegas for Linda? Check! The fishing boat for Stephanie and Hunter? Check! The 'Rock 'Em - Sock 'Em Robots' for Shane? Check! 'The Best of Dr. Hiney DVD' for Ross? Check! The subscription to 'Girls Gone Wild' for Lawler? Check! A box of steaks for JBL? Check! A case of Jack Daniels for Hayes? Check! And copies of the new 'Raw versus Smackdown 2008' game for the rest of the WWE superstars."
Vince checked his list off and then checked it twice to make sure he hadn't missed anyone. There was a knock at his office door.
"Come in!", Vince said.
And in came Stephanie McMahon.
"Daddy, are you busy?", Stephanie asked?
"Never too busy for my Princess", Vince said as he stood up and gave his daughter a quick peck on the cheek.
"OK, I had this great idea and I wanted to run it by you", Stephanie said.
"This isn't the one about the WWE Superstars filming a remake of 'Rent', is it?", Vince asked?
"No Daddy, although I'm still waiting for Kevin Dunn to get back to me about that.", said Steph.
"So what's your idea, sweet-pea?", Vince asked?
"I think the WWE should have a special Christmas show.", Steph said.
"We already do. It's the 'Tribute To The Troops' show from Iraq that we aired last Saturday night on NBC."
"No, not that show", Stephanie said. "I mean a real Christmas show, complete with trees and ribbons and songs and dance."
"Like a variety show?", Vince asked.
"Exactly", Steph said happily. "We could have skits where the WWE Superstars portray different characters like Jesus and the Three Wise Little Pigs..."
"That's 'Wise Men'", Vince said.
"What?", Steph said. "It's Jesus and the Three Wise Men."
"Oh", said Steph. "But Aurora and Murphy like the three little pigs better."
"Of course", Vince said.
"So as I was saying, we can have them do skits. Like Santa Claus and the Seven Dwarfs"
"That's Snow White and the ...??", Vince started to say.
"What?", Steph said.
"Never mind", said Vince. "Continue please."
"Just imagine the ratings. We could have all of the Cruiserweights dress up like elves and Hornswoggle could be the head elf. And then Kane could come in and choke-slam them all and set them on fire."
"Kane... setting elves on fire?", Vince said slowly.
"And Melina could dress up like a snow-woman.. she really has a big ass... and Beth Phoenix could challenge her to a snow-bunny, Santa on a pole match."
"A.... snow... bunny... Santa...on a pole... match?", Vince said.
"And we could put tuxedos and those cute little reindeer antlers on all of the WWE superstars.... Randy would look so cute with little antlers and a red nose like Rupert.."
"That's Rudolph", said Vince.
"Who, daddy?", Steph said?
"Rudolph. He's the reindeer with the red nose", said Vince.
"No, I meant Rupert. He's the drunk guy who lives in the alley near my condo. He's got the reddest little nose.."
"Ummm... OK", said Vince.
"And we could have the WWE Superstars singing Christmas carols. Just picture Santino and Jillian singing a duet of 'Merry Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)' and Jamie Noble doing 'The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas'. We're talking about major ratings here, Daddy."
"We're talking about major headaches here, I believe", Vince said.
"What, Daddy? You don't like my ideas?", said Stephanie, putting on a pouty face and sticking out her lips.
"I like them. I just think they're a little... too...."
Vince closed his eyes as he struggled to find the right word.
"Advanced", Vince said. "Yes, that's it. They're a bit too advanced for the average WWE fan. All the fans expect from our wrestlers are athletics and great stories.."
"And we give them that, don't we Daddy?", Steph inquired.
"Of course we do, Princess!", Vince said. "But the idea of a variety show might be a bit too extreme for the average wrestling fan to accept. We know that our Superstars are extremely capable of doing variety, but will the fans accept them doing it? That remains to be seen."
"So what should I do about my idea?", Stephanie asked.
"Write it all down and send it to Kevin Dunn. See what he thinks of the whole idea. And I'll give it some thought as well and we can discuss it at the next staff meeting."
"Thanks Daddy, you're the greatest", said Steph as she reached over and kissed her father on the cheek.
"Now get out of here, Princess. I have a billion dollar corporation to run.", said Vince.
"OK, Daddy. I'll see you at RAW tomorrow night", said Steph as she stood up and walked from the room.
Vince watched her leave and turned back to his desk. On a small post-it-note, he quickly wrote a note to himself.
"Skip next staff meeting!"
And then he opened back up his Christmas list on the computer and quickly scrolled up to the name of his daughter, Stephanie McMahon.
"A nice, long vacation... somewhere far, far away. And a good therapist", he quickly added to her name.
"Singing and dancing WWE Superstars doing Christmas skits? What in the hell is that girl thinking?", he thought to himself as he closed the page on his computer.
And then he opened another window. It was a list of future story-line ideas he had for the different WWE Superstars.
"Time for some serious work", Vince thought as he began to type.
"Have Charlie Haas wear a skull-cap and cape and be a goose-stepping Nazi aka Baron Von Haaske... Kane can stalk Kelly some more and beat up Kofi Kingston for having a bad hair day. And have Santino dress "ghetto" and try to join Cryme Tyme."
"Steph and her crazy ideas", Vince thought to himself as he continued to type. "She must get it from her mother. She sure as hell didn't get it from me."
THE END
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