President Obama steps up to the podium in the West Wing of the White House.
"Thank you, everyone, for coming. I have some major announcements to make and then, after I've finished, I'll take some questions from the press. As well all know, our country has gone through some extremely tough times, none of which are my fault of course. The previous administration destroyed the ecomony and drove the car straight into a ditch... into a ditch and because of the greed of Wall Street, the big corporations with their private jets and big tax breaks, and the determination of those members of Congress, who put party and politics before trying to help the common man, who want to campaign instead of legislate, something that I'd never do. because of these people, we've got a big mess. And despite every effort by my administration to make things right, to get the public back to work, to negotiate with these so called Tea Party members, things are getting worse and worse. But it's not my fault. It's the Tea Party's fault. It's George Bush and his policies of protecting the rich and punishing the common man's fault. It's Congress's fault... the Republican's in Congress don't have a plan to help you. I have a plan to help and make our economy grow. And to put American's back to work. And I'll you that plan in a few months after I've figured out exactly what that plan is."
But since it's nearly election time and I don't want to take a shalacking, like the Democrats in the House and Senate did last year, and may I clarify that it was absolutely their fault and not mine. It was also George Bush's fault as well. If they had just stayed the course, and did what the American people want, by spending more tax money and passing my Health Care plan, the Democrats in the House would still be in power. I know what you're saying. They did pass my Health Care plan, but it wasn't unanimous and the Republicans, especially the Tea Party, told the truth and demonized our plans. And the Democrats in the house paid the price. It was a terrible day for America and our goal to be part of the world community and a totally giving, caring, and looking out for each other nation, just like the nations in Europe. We need to tax the rich more. It's that simple. And have another stimulus plan. And socialize medicine so everyone can see a doctor and have health care. Not that I'm a socialist or anything like that. I'm not. Not at all. I just want to redistribute the wealth so that those who have more have less and those who don't have much get more. Nothing socialistic about that at all.
I know we live in tough times. High unemployment. A bad economy. High gas prices. Out of control illegal immigration. Two wars. And I have a plan to fix all of that. I just don't know what it is yet. But I'll announce it in a few months. In the meantime, I want to make sure that my administration has the chance to keep this country headed in the same direction that we're already on. To take us further down the road of greatness. Therefore, I have made a decision. Two decisions actually. The first is that from now on, instead of continuing to accept the blame for excessive spending and poor policies that are not my fault, I will place the blame squarely where it belongs, with the biased reporting at Fox News. It's their fault. Not mine. Not mine.
As for my other decision, I've decided that change is in order. And I know I've promised change before, but this time, I really mean it. It's changes that will affect our country and keep us headed down the path for years to come. After much hand-wrangling and thought during my vacation in Martha's Vineyard, in between rounds of golf and vacationing with my family, I have decided to replace my Cabinet. And no, I am not, as some might suggest, throwing them under the bus. I wouldn't do that. Instead, I am only allowing them to take the blame for the failures of this administration, which were caused, of course, by the previous administration, Fox News and the Tea Party. I have asked for and accepted the resignations of several key members of my cabinet and I will be replacing them with muppets. Everyone likes Muppets. And therefore, everyone will like me because I'm putting these muppets to work to change our world and our nation and get us on the right path.
So let me now announce who will be replacing who in my administration. And no, it's not the entire administration. Only the high profile posts so I can take credit for shaking things up amd making the necessary changes to help me in my bid for re-election. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who has done a fine job, will be replaced by The Swedish Chef. After all, he's from Sweden and knows lots of foreign dishes to entertain world leaders. Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner... well, he's being replaced by Fozzy Bear. As for Homeland Security, I have decided to replace Janet Napolitano with Oscar The Grouch. My new Secretary of Defense, taking the place of Leon Panetta, I have decided, will be Super Grover.
And that's not all. I have decided to make several more changes in my administration... and my personal life as well. My new Chief of Staff, taking over from William Daley, will be Ernie. He will, of course, be assisted in all of his duties by Burt. And finally, I have decided that I will, for the duration of my time in office, replace my loving wife, the First Lady, Michelle Obama, with a lovely beauty who is far more photogenic and far more liked by the press, Miss Piggy. I love my wife and she's the mother of my children, but that gap between her front teeth just creeps me out. And I like to eat junk food. Who doesn't? But Michelle won't let me so she's out. And Miss Piggy is in as the new First Lady for our country.
And that's it. With these changes in my administration, I feel that there is no limit to what we might be able to accomplish. And I know that the press, especially Fox News, is going to attempt to rip apart my selections and their qualifications for the offices that they now will be holding, but I've taken care of that. Have no fear about that. I've arranged with our new Press Secretary, Kermit the Frog, for all of my Cabinet members to be given brand new teleprompters. And even though the tax dollars are paying for these machines, our new Attorney General Elmo assures me that it's totally legal and Budget Director Ralf The Dog has guarenteed me that only the tax dollars from the rich will be used.
And there you have it. These are the changes that I have made and feel are necessary for the well being and continued path of prosperity for our country, as well as to help me get re-elected in 2012 because otherwise, I don't stand a chance and will be sent back to Chicago with my tail tucked between my legs. Any questions from the press will be answered by Cookie Monster. Thank you for your time and God bless America."
The President waves at the reporters and walks from the room.
THE END!
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