Tossing Salt Is Impact Wrestling: July 14, 2011

Tossing Salt Is Impact Wrestling!
July 14, 2011
Doug Maynard

Last week was so much fun, I just had to do it again. Nope, we're not talking about the WWE. This is Total Non-Stop Action Impact Wrestling and even though I doubt that we'll have as much great action and excitement as last week, I expect this might actually be a pretty good show. At least I hope so. It's the "Mid-Summer Nightmare". This is "Tossing Salt Is Impact Wrestling!" It's live (on tape) from the Impact Zone in Orlando, FL. "The Professor" Mike Tenay and Taz are calling the action. On the card for tonight are (at least) two big main events. It's The British Invasion taking on Mexican American (are we ready for Chavo yet?) and in the main event, TNA World Champion Mr. Anderson... Anderson takes on Joker 2011, also known as Sting. It's showtime folks!

By the way, just to let you know, I'm not a regular viewer of TNA Impact Wrestling. Yeah, I know! It's shocking, isn't it? I know most of the players and most of the storylines, but if I refer to someone by the wrong name (like Brian Kendricks, who I still prefer to call Spanky or Hulk Hogan, who I prefer to call all sorts of nasty names), don't stress it. That's just how I roll. And there are some folks (The British Invasion, Mexican American, some of the Knockouts) that I'm not a hundred percent sure of yet either, due to lack of familiarity. At least I'm admitting it. But I'll do the best I can with the recap. Just saying. So since all of that is out of the way, let's get on with it. I'm Doug and let's do this...

We open up with a video highlighting that Sting is a crazy-ass and he's facing the newest member of Immortal, who just happens to be the TNA World Champion, Mr. Anderson, later tonight. After a look at the recent craziness, here comes Immortal to the ring and it's promo time. Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Abyss, Scott Steiner, Bully Ray and Gunner, plus a lot of leggy chick women, are coming on down to the ring. What a way to start the show. Can I go home now? Looks like Eric is talking first. He sends the girls to the back. Eric is happy. They have a card table in the ring. The table is there because they're going to gamble with some careers. He talks about the party that Mr. Anderson had a few weeks ago that no one came to. It's was premature partylation. They're going to throw Ken Anderson a party because he's part of their family. He's their World Champion and will leave tonight as the World Champion. Eric introduces Mr. Anderson.

Here comes Ken Anderson... Anderson. What a tux! Wish I had one of those back in my prom days. I didn't even know they made tuxedos in camaflouge. Hogan has the mic now. He loves the look. Hogan and Anderson haven't always seen eye to eye, but they share a common bond to be the best. Hogan welcomes Anderson into the family with a hug. Anderson says thank you. It's a gamble with him joining Immortal, but so long as he remains the top card, it's a gamble he's willing to take.

Lights go out and Joker-Sting is there sitting at the poker table. He talks about gambling. Eric wants to know what Sting is up to. He's always respected Sting as a stand-up guy. Eric calls Sting "the cancer" and says Anderson will take out the cancer once and for all. Sting wants to know if Eric wants to bet on that. Sting see's himself becoming the World Champion once again and he wants to take the company back to Dixie Carter. Hogan tells Sting not to push it and makes some threats. Hogan says Sting is going down and going out on a stretcher tonight, brutha! Sting says "NO!". Sting says that Hulk is wrong and he's got plenty of Aces. He has the "Network" Ace in his book because Hogan and Eric are on thin ice. Sting is going to be the new World Champion. And contrary to what Hogan says, Sting has lots of aces. He tosses cards at Immortal . He points to the rafters adn we see lots of clown-faced guys in masks and carrying bats. Eric calls Sting a freak and Sting says his friends are going to watch his back. Sting flips the poker table and the lights go out. They come back on and Sting is gone as Immortal is standing in the ring, clueless as ever and trying to figure out what's up.

So tonight is "Revenge of the Doinks!". So far, so good. Eric is looking old these days. And Hogan looks like he's shrunk about five inches or so. But I like the new crazy, "Shades of Heath Ledger" Sting. He's a damn trip. Talk about reinventing himself into a relevent character. Sting has done a great job so far and I'm actually looking forward to seeing more. Too bad "Big Poppa Pump" didn't get to shout out to his freaks tonight. I feel neglected. So sad!

We get a "Bound For Glory" series update with standings, highlights, and all of that jazz. Taz and Tenay do the voiceover. Lots of wrestlers talk. Tonight, Bobby Roode, Samoa Joe and The Pope fight in a three-way match to get some points and head for a World Title Match at Bound For Glory.

Bound For Glory Series Match - Three Way Dance
Samoa Joe vs Bobby Roode vs The Pope

Joe throws Pope to the floor and squashes Roode. Joe just domiates on Roode and locks in the Code Red armbreaker. Pope breaks it up and flees to the floor. Joe continues to dominate with a spinebuster. Pope breaks it up again and Joe goes to the floor. Pope works on the arm of Roode. Roode fights back, but Pope gets a kick for two. Pope kicks Joe to the floor and DDT's Roode for a two. Pope goes up and hits the flying fist for two. A blow to Joe to keep him on the floor and here comes Bobby Roode with clotheslines on Pope. Roode is fighting back. Joe knocked to the floor again. Roode snaps the neck of the Pope for two. Roode in control over the Pope. Pope fights back, but Roode catches him. Joe back up with headbutt for Roode. He sets up Pope for Muscle Buster, but Roode breaks it up. Pope and Roode fight. Joe locks in choke from behind on Roode. They fall back and Joe had the hold locked in, but his shoulders are down and Roode gets the pin as referee Earl Hebner, who screwed Bret (remember that?) counts the three count..

Winner: Bobby Roode

Joe is mad and argues with the referee. Lots of other referees come into the ring and get referee Earl Hebner out of there as Joe continues to complain. We see Jeff Jarrett and Karen Jarrett coming into the arena. They're back from Mexico. Looks like it's time for a Siesta! Choke on that, slapnuts!

Hogan is in the office and he wants Sting eliminated. Eric tells Immortal to be professional and ethical. Accidents happen. Hogan says make sure Sting doesn't make it to the ring and it doesn't come back to them. Abyss offers to make it happen, but Eric talks junk about how Abyss had the chance to end the X-Division and couldn't get it done at the pay-per-view. He tells Abyss to follow the leaders and tells Immortal to get it done. Jeff and Karen Jarrett enter the room. Jeff is Mr.Motivational Speaker Man and they have presents for everyone. Jeff went to Mexico and he's brought back some gold. He's the Mexican Champion.

Pope is in the back talking to his friends and they support him. It's Devon's sons. Here is Devon. He tells Pope to stay away from his sons and his sons to stay away from the Pope. Devon says those are his boys and they are nothing to the Pope. Pope says they look up to him. Devon talks trash and says that Pope needs to stay away from his boys. Devon doesn't trust Pope. Devon calls Pope stupid for giving him points last week. Pope warns Devon that if his boys turn on Devon for how he treats the Pope, it may or may not come back. Devon tells Pope to get the hell out of here.

We see some highlights from the pay per view last Sunday night that showcased the X-Division. One helluva wrestling card to be sure. "Get your hands up!" I can see why they call themselves "Impact" wrestling. These damn guys are bump-city central. Ouch!!

Shannon Moore versus Austin Aries

This should be a helluva good match. Aries has signed a contract and is now an official part of TNA. Shannon with armdrags by the Punkster, Shannon. Austin wants a handshake. Shannon slaps the hand away. Austin mocks Shannon and Shannon takes offense. Austin with headlock, but Shannon trips him up with inverted drop and kick for two. Shannon with kick and a roll for two. Moonsault by Shannon for two. Austin clubs Shannon and hits with a low dropkick. Shannon flies with a flip to the floor and Austin is down. Shannon up with a backsault kick, but Austin kicks out at two and goes outside. Austin gets Shannon's book. Shannon rips book away. Referee is distracted and Austin uses Shannon's chain and plants Shannon on the head. Austin gets the pin.

Winner: Austin Aries

Alex Shelley is out and he gets in Austin's face. He complains that Austin used the chain, but Austin doesn't care what Shelley thinks or saw. He won. Aries walks to the back as Shelley complains to the fans about the chain. We see Abyss is in the back and he cuts a promo. He's mad at Spanky and he's getting his X-Division title back tonight. He's not waiting for a rematch. Blah Blah Blah! Whatever. Typical monster seeks revenge promo. It's "Revenge of the Doinks" as a masked, clown-face nails him from behind with a bat and lays out the monster. Abyss is down and the clown-face walks off.

Shannon is in the back and complaining about Aries using the chain and cheating. Shelley says Aries can't be much if he has to cheat. Aries says he's the best. We see Tara and she's looking forward to beating up "The Queen", Madison Rayne, later in the night. Or is she?. Lots of clips for the match tonight with Tara versus Madison Rayne. Madison says Tara is ungrateful and owes her. She brings up Tara's first match and a match later on where Madison beat Tara and retired her. And then we have Tara says that she wants to bury the past and be friends again. She has a present for Madison, but Madison can't get it until after the match. Tara is excited. Later tonight, Tara versus Madison Rayne and Sting taking on Mr. Kennedy for the TNA World Championship.

We have Kurt Angle, Bully Ray and some others talking about Philadelphia and the "Bound For Glory" series. They will show the world how much wrestling matters because it's "my time" and they talk about being the greatest wrestler. On October 16th, it's Bound For Glory and Wrestling Matters. We see Scott Steiner talking to a freak. It's "Attack of The Doinks" again as a clown face attack and lays out Scotty Steiner with a bat. We go to the ring.

Knockouts Match
Madison Rayne versus Tara

Tara has a package for Madison and brings it to the ring. Madison likes gifts. Tara won't give it to her until after the match. Madison wants Tara to lay down for her and give her the win. Tara slaps Madison and levels her with a clothesline. Slam by Tara and a backflip. Tara slams Madison's head into the mat. Madison with a knee, but Tara with the clothesline. Sideslam by Tara and she's in total control. Madison with a backdrop and a kick as she slams Tara to the mat. Tara with a slap, but Madison knocks her to the floor. Madison follows and slams Tara into the ring and then the steps. Madison is in contol now. Madison is going after the package that Tara brought. Madison opens it up and it's Tara's tarantula. Madison is freaking and Tara grabs her up and plants her with the Widows Peak.

Winner: Tara

Tara picks up her spider "Poison" and pulls it out of the cage. She threatens Madison with the spider and Madison screams and flees the ring as Tara chases after her with the spider in her hand. Tara and "Poison" celebrate their win. Tara (Victoria) still looks hot! WWE was stupid to let her leave when they did. Later tonight is Sting versus Mr. Anderson. We see Kurt Angle and he's walking, headed towards the ring.

We see The British Invasion backstage. They're talking about what is relevant and irrelevant. It's all about wresting winning the tag team titles. That's what matters. Here comes Kurt Angle to the ring. He's the number one contender and he gets his shot at Hardcore Justice. But will it be Sting or Mr. Anderson and that depends on what happens tonight. He picks Mr. Anderson because they have a history. Kurt brings up their match at last year's Lockdown. And last week too when Anderson left Kurt laid out and joined Immortal. Kurt is coming after Ken and is going to hurt him. As for Sting, they have a history. Remember "Main Event Maffia" and the "Empty Arena Match"? Kurt has never beaten Sting and that's tough. It pisses him off and makes him want to beat Sting's ass. Kurt is going to watch tonight's match and Hardcore Justice, he will be walking out as the Impact World Champion. It's real! It's damn real!

We see Jeff Jarrett and Karen in the back. It looks like they're leaving. Karen is struggling with the bags as Jeff says that Bubba and the others can take care of things there. They're leaving. "Revenge of the Doinks" time again as it's clown-face time as Karen opens the back of the car and sees a painted, smiley clown face staring back at her. She's freaking and screaming. He attacks Jarrett, placing the bat to his throat and drags him off behind a wall as Karen flees. I think we just saw some foreshadowing here. Hmmmm! I'm hungry. I want an eggroll. Only thirty-seven more minutes to go and it's munch time!

Number One Contenders Match
Mexican America versus The British Invasion (Doug Williams & Magnus)

Mexican America talk and I don't understand any of it. Oh well. Here comes the British Invasion and they storm the ring and it's on. I'm not sure about any of these guys and who they are and what they can do except for Hernandez so no match recap. I'll just sit back, enjoy the match and that's the bottom line because I just said so. This is a pretty decent match. Lots of Mexi-doubleteaming. Makes me wish I knew more about these guys. Don't worry though. I will soon enough. Williams is busted open. Wicked! A knee and elbow double-team by the Brits and they get a two. Rosita is out and distracts the ref. Hernandez with the illegal elbow and he puts his partner on Williams. The referee counts the three.

Winners: Mexican America

Eric Bischoff, Gunner and Bully Ray are in the back. Eric tells them that they're his last line of defense and to not let him down. Gunner tells Bully that they need to go find the punks. Gunner leaves. Ray acts like he's all for it, but backs off and decides to stay in the office. No eggrolls here. Looks like I'll have to settle for fixing a hamburger or something. Oh well. That'll work. I like this Mexican American team. Not as good as when Hernandez was teamed with Homicide, but still pretty impressive. The British Invasion are pretty awesome too. But Brutus looks smaller than I remember him. He was a lot bigger when he first debuted.

We see Brian Kendricks (Spanky). He's happy and he's the new X-Division Champion. He talks about Alex Shelley. We see Alex Shelley. They'll be wrestling for the X-Division title next week. Plus RVD versus Scott Steiner, a four-way ladder match and a Knockout's Championship Match as well. We take a look back at all the evil clown attacks that have taken place during the night

We see Gunner and he's outside calling out the clowns. He's ready to fight. We see several of the clowns come out. The have bats. He has a steel pipe. They attack and we see a "Revenge of the Doinks" clown beatdown as they take Gunner down and out. They unmask - it's AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Kazarian and James Storm. They leave Gunner laying and walk off. Sory about his damn luck! One of them asks about Bully Ray, but we find out he's already been taken care of. Does anyone remember a morning show called "Captain Kangaroo" that was on for almost twenty-five years back in the sixties and seventies? They had a character on that show, played by Bob Keeshan (Captain Kangaroo) called "The Town Clown". This just reminded me of that. I don't know why. Keeshan also played a character in the 50's called "Clarabelle The Clown", which was the predecessor to "Town Clown". A big part of my early childhood. I remember it well.

Impact World Heavyweight Championship Match
Mr. Kennedy (champion) versus Sting

Kennedy swats the mic away and doesn't do his usual self-introduction. Anderson appears reluctant to enter the ring. Jeremy Borasch is doing the "official" introductions. Damn, Sting looks like he's getting a fat ass. Men over fifty shouldn't wear stretchy pants. Just saying. I like the TNA World Title belt. Sure looks a lot nicer than that ugly ass spinner belt the WWE has for their title.

Kennedy with fists. Sting no-sells and looks crazy as Anderson bails. Sting with kicks and fists. Kennedy down in the corner. Sting with inverted drop and dropkick. Anderson to the floor again. Anderson with shoulder, but fails at the sunset flip. Sting with more chops and Anderson rolls away. Stinger-splash by Sting and Anderson nails him with a dropkick on the second attempt. Anderson to the leg as he drops elbows and works over the leg. Knees by Anderson, followed by some fists. Anderson goes for the scorpion and locks it in. "Shades of Bret Hart!". Sting struggles and makes it to the ropes. Anderson breaks the hold. Anderson back to the leg and slams down the knees of Sting. It's all Ken Anderson. Anderson covers for a two. Anderson locks in a half-crab. Sting rolls out and kicks away. Sting with the fists and chops. A clothesline and it's vintage Sting. A sloppy hotshot by Sting and he gets a two.

Anderson hits a knee to the gut. Sting shoves Anderson and the ref gets knocked to the floor. Sting locks in the Scorpion and Anderson taps The ref isn't there. Here comes Bully Ray and he attacks Sting. Ray has a chain and he's talking trash, taking his time ready to attack Sting. Anderson holds Sting. Ray has the chain. The lights go out and we have a clown in the ring. Another blackout and Anderson is alone in the ring. Sting hits the Scorpion Deathdrop on Anderson. The ref is in and counts to three. We have a new World Champion.

Winner and NEW TNA Impact Wrestling World Champion: STING

The clown who saved Sting from Bully Ray is on the ramp and he unmasks. It's Kurt Angle. Angle smiles as the show goes off the air. And you know what? With the exception of the main event, which was sloppy and a major blah of a match in my opinion, this was not a bad show at all. It wasn't as good as last week (not even close) but when it comes to in-ring action, TNA seems to be trying to do something here. I personally prefer a mixture of characters AND wrestling and WWE definitely has better characters (and a much better production value for their shows), but Impact (TNA) is trying and they're getting there. Good for them.

And I guess that's it for me. Time to watch "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" and go fix a hamburger. It's dinner time. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Also, check out my fic site at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. And I'll see you again real soon, but for now, "Dat is all de' people need to know!". I'm Doug. I'm down and I'm gone. Ubuntu!