Hunter's Excellent Adventure - September 5, 2003
In a small dark room, two movie execs are talking. They are holding open auditions and are prepared to see the next person ready to audition for a part in their movie..
Exec # 1 (Paul) Are you ready, Eric?
Exce #2 (Eric) OK, I'm ready. Send in the next person.
Into the room walks Triple H, the World Heavyweight Champion..
Triple H: Is this where I'm supposed to be?
Eric: And you are?
Paul: It's the wrestler we talked about.
HHH: I'm Triple H, the World Heavyweight Champion.
Paul: The World Heavyweight Champion. Right! How are you doing, Triple H is it?
HHH: Yeah, but you can call me Hunter, or champ!
Eric: Sure! Whatever? Tell us, Hunger
HHH: Hunter
Eric: Whatever! Why do you want to be in our movie? Why are you better than any of the others who have auditioned for us today?
HHH: Why? Why? I'll tell you why! Because I'm Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I'm the World Heavyweight Champion of RAW. I am the Game and I am that damn good!
Paul: (yawns) So, you're a wrestler. Do you know the Rock?
HHH: I know Rocky! I beat his ass and ran him out of the WWE.
Eric: He's one of my favorite wrestlers.
HHH: Like I said, we're great friends and I encouraged him to come to Hollywood.
Eric: Have you ever met Hulk Hogan?
HHH: Do you like him?
Eric: I used to, until I saw Mr. Nanny.. Terrible movie.
Paul: Hey, I was the executive producer on that one.
Eric: Sorry!
HHH: But what about me? I'm here to audition!
Eric: Who were you again?
HHH: I'm Triple H. I work for the WWE. Don't you watch TV?
Eric: The WWE. Is that the animal rights group with little pandas on their logo?
Paul: No, that's the WWF.
Eric: I thought they were a wrestling group.
Paul: I think they are.
HHH: (heavy sigh!) The WWF was a wrestling group, but they changed their name to WWE because of a lawsuit by the World Wildlife Foundation, the other WWF - the one with the pandas. I'm the World Champion of the WWE.
Paul: Oh!
Eric: And you are....
HHH: I'm the Game, dammit! I'm the World Heavyweight Champion. Am I going to get a chance to audition or what?
Eric: Don't get all hostile with me, son! You're here to audition for us - so lose the attitude.
HHH: Sorry, but all these questions. I'm not used to not being recognized.
Paul: Why? Are you famous or something?
HHH: I'm a WWE Superstar. I'm the World ......Never mind..
Eric: I've got to go take a call. Paul, do you want to handle Mr. Hummer.
HHH: That's Hunter Hunter Hearst Helmsley..
Eric: Whatever. Paul, do you have it.
Paul: I've got it..
(Eric leaves the room)
Paul:So, Hunter is it. Are you ready to audition?
HHH: Finally! Yes. What do you want me to do?
Paul: Just stand there and let me look at you. Yes, I think I know a perfect role for you.
HHH: Really.
Paul: Really. It's a major role in a major picture. Do you want the job?
HHH: I don't job. I always win my matches,
Paul : I don't mean like that. Do you want the role?
HHH: Just like that? What's the catch?
Paul: No catch. Why do you ask?
HHH: It's too easy. I haven't read any lines - I haven't any acting.
Paul: You've done enough, but there is one small thing.
HHH: What?
Paul: Nothing much, but .... have you ever heard of the casting couch?
HHH: Casting couch. You mean like Bradshaw used on Spanky?
Paul: I don't know about that. But it kind of goes, you do me a favor and I'll do you a favor.
HHH: What kind of favor?
Paul: Do you want this movie role?
HHH: I don't know! Depends on what I have to......HEY!
(HHH jumps back as Paul grabs at his crotch)
HHH: I'm not like that - I don't do that stuff.
Paul: I'm sorry - please don't hurt me. I just thought...
HHH: You thought wrong. I'm the Game! I'm the best wrestler alive today. I don't have to play sexual games to get respect and power.
(Beeeppp! Triple H's pager goes off)
HHH: Damn! It's my fiance, Stephanie. She's a horny little nympho and needs some more of the Game. Are we done here?
Paul: Obviously. Our secretary will show you out!
HHH: Do I get the part - the job I mean?
Paul: We'll let you know.
HHH: Don't mess with me because I will crush you like a little cockroach..
Paul: Don't worry about it, Huckster... Would I lie to you?
HHH: That's Hunter..
Paul: Yeah, sure sure! Whatever. We'll call you. Have your girl call our girl. We'll do lunch. Who loves you, baby.
HHH: Whatever! I got to go. Call me or else!
Paul: Tell what what babe. You're a star in the rough. Call these friends of mine for a little touching up and I'll see what I can do for you.
(Paul hands Triple H a business card)
HHH" Who are these guys?
Paul: Just five fabulous friends of mine. They do makeovers all the time. They'll love you! They work for Bravo.
HHH: And then I get a starring movie role?
Paul: You know it.
HHH: OK, I'll call them when I get back to New York. Are you gonna call me about casting and my part in the movie.
Paul: Sure. Absolutely! Love you - mean it.
HHH: OK, I got to go. Bye.
Paul: Bye
(Hunter leaves and Eric walks back in)
Eric: So what about that guy? Any talent or potential?
Paul: None! He's just another wanna-be from the East Coast.
Eric: He had a good "look" about him.
Paul: But a bad attitude, and no talent. He could never put butts in the seats.
Eric: Too bad! Who's next on our audition list?
Paul: Some guy who calls himself Rico and his girlfriend, Miss Jackie.
Eric: Rico and Miss Jackie?
Paul: You've heard of them?
Eric: No, but they sound absolutely fabulous. Send them in.
Will Hunter ever get that big role? What did Stephanie want? Will Hunter ever be a big Hollywood star? Will Rico and Jackie be lured to the casting couch. And what will Rico do? Redecorate it? Who are these five guys that will give Hunter a makeover? Will it help their ratings? Does Hunter have a bad attitude. All these questions answered and more in the next edition of 'Hunter's Excellent Adventure".. not coming soon unless ya'll really want it..
-Doug
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