Vickie-Locks & The Three Bears (A WWE Fantasy Fic)

A WWE Version of Goldilocks and The Three Bears...

Once upon a time, there was this young girl named Vickie-Locks and she was walking through the woods.

"Excuse me", she shouted at the forest animals as she skipped by. "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

And she came upon a small cottage and knocked on the door.

"Excuse me... is anyone home", she shouted. "What a dump! Looks like somewhere that Edge would stay. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!"

She didn't get an answer when she knocked so Vickie reached into her pocket and brought out a small pin and easily picked the lock on the door.

"Good thing Eddie taught me how to lie, cheat and steal", she thought to herself.

Vickie went into the house and, feeling a bit tired from her hard work breaking into the house, decided to sit down. She looked at the three chairs in the living room.

"The first one is too tacky and probably hard as a rock", she said to herself. "And the second one, with that floral pattern is ugly as sin. But that smallest one looks like it might be comfortable."

Vickie went over and plopped down into the smal chair, which immediately broke into several pieces and sent Vickie crashing to the floor.

"Oops!", Vickie laughed to herself as she stood up. "That chair must have been made in China by little Hornswoggles."

Looking around, Vickie could smell food. She looked over at the kitchen table and there were three bowls of food sat out.

"I'm hungry", Vickie said. "That Happy Meal I had for lunch just isn't cutting it."

She went over and looked in the bowls.

"The big bowl has chili beans in it. That'll give me gas", Vickie said to herself. "And the medium sized bowl has some of J.R.'s BBQ in it. That'll give me heartburn."

And then she looked in the smallest bowl.

"Fruity Pebbles", she smiled. "They're yabba-dabba delicious.!"

After eating the small bowl of cereal, Vickie-Locks let out a big burp!

"Buuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrpppppppp!", she belched out. "Excuse me!"

And then that was followed by a yawn.

"I"m tired", she said. "I think I'll go upstairs and take a nap. I'm sure that the owners of this house won't mind."

Vickie-Locks walked up the stairs and found three beds.

"Too hard, too soft", she said about the first two beds, but when she spotted the smallest bed, a smile formed on her face.

"A water bed", she laughed. "I like it!"

And Vickie-Locks crawled upon the smallest bed and pulled a blanket over her body. Within a matter of seconds, she was snoring loudly and was fast asleep.

Meanwhile, the family who owned the house, the Three Bears, were coming home. It was Stone Cold Papa Bear, Mamasantino Bearella, and Baby Cena Thuggy-Bear.

"Looks like some sorry-ass bastard done broke into the house again", Stone Cold Papa Bear said as they approached the house.

"The door is open and why am I playing the role of the Mamacita Bear", Mamasantino Bearella compliained. "I am all man!"

"Yo! Word Life", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted out. "Poopy in the pants!"

The Three Bears entered the house and looked at their chairs.

"Someone sat in my chair and moved my damn TV Guide", Stone Cold Papa Bear said. "Someone needs an ass kicking!"

"This is some ugly furniture", Mamasantino Bearella proclaimed. "Is it time for Oprah yet?"

"Getting jiggy with it", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted. "They don't know nothing about hustle, loyalty and respect. They broke my chair!"

"Let's go check out the food... and they had better not have touched my beer", Stone Cold Papa Bear said as the Three Bears walked over to the table.

"Some stupid S.O.B. ate my chili", Stone Cold Papa Bear said.

"And someone bit a chunk of my Bar-BQ from Good Old J.R.", Mamasantino Bearella said. "It is disgusting!"

"Yo", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said loudly. "Someone ate my yabba-dabba delicious Fruity Pebbles. Foul! That's just foul! You can't see me!"

"I can see you fine and if you don't shut the hell up, I'm gonna open up a major league can of whoop ass on you!", Stone Cold Papa Bear grouched.

"Let us head upstairs to the bedrooms", Mamasantino Bearella said, "And see what we find up there."

The Three Bears went upstairs and to the bedroom.

"Someone's been messing around in my bed and they've messed up my Bert & Ernie sheets", Stone Cold Papa Bear bellowed.

"My Martha Stewart collection sheets have been ruffled too", Mamasantino Bearella cried out.

"There's a hideous beast in my bed", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear shouted out. "It looks like a Snitsky!"

The noise from the Bear family woke Vickie-Locks up and she jumped up at the sight of the Three Bears.

"Excuse me! I said excuse me! Trying to sleep here!", she shouted.

The Bears all looked at each other and then looked at Vickie-Locks. Stone Cold Papa Bear raised a paw and from out of nowhere came a couple of cans of Bearweiser Light.
He took one in his paw and handed the other to Vickie-Locks who slowly accepted.

"I hope you're not mad that I made myself at home", she said quietly to the Three Bears.

"Shut the hell up and drink a beer", Stone Cold Papa Bear said to Vickie-Locks.

Vickie-Locks started to drink the beer when Stone Cold Papa Bear let out a big growl and kicked her in the stomach before giving her a stunner to the floor.

"Pick the trash up", Stone Cold Papa Bear told his family.

As Baby Cena Thuggy Bear helped Vickie-Locks to her feet, Mamasantino Bearella yelled out the words "Cobra" and delivered a striking "cobra blow" to the throat of Vickie-Locks.

Vickie-Locks went down again, but was caught by Baby Cena Thuggy Bear before she could hit the floor. He picked up the limp body of Vickie-Locks and was prepared to give her a big Attitude Adjustment when the sounds of a very familiar music filled the house.

"Can you smell..... what the Rock is cooking!"

And busting through the walls is none other than "The Rock!"

At the sight of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in their home, the Three Bears did what all wrestling bears would do. Mamasantino Bearella let out a loud shriek and ran away. Stone Cold Papa Bear drank five more beers and then went off in search of Vince McMahon so he could whip MaMahon's ass. And that left Baby Cena Thuggy Bear, along with the unconcious body of Vickie-Locks alone with The Rock.

"Yo! Word life", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear yelled out. "What are you doing here in our story?"

"The Rock does not condone violence against women... even if it is Vickie-Locks", the Rock said as he arched an eyebrow.

"Well, I think", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear started to say, but The Rock cut him off.

"It doesn't matter what you think", he shouted.

"Now Rock, we can do this the hard way or the easy way", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said, backing away.

"The Rock says he's going to take your easy way, polish it up nice and shiney, rub it across the scrotum of a large nippled walrus, turn that sonvabitch sideways, and shove it straight up your candy ass!"

"Oh poop", Baby Cena Thuggy Bear said as The Rock grabbed him and quickly planted him to the floor with a Rock-Bottom!

The Rock looked down at Baby Cena Thuggy Bear and the still unconcious Vickie-Locks, both laying on the floor.

"Now, can you smell what the Rock is cooking", he said quietly before walking out of the room.

As Rock exited, Mamasantino Bearella poked his head back into the room.

"Yoo hoo... Mr. Rock, are you still here?", he asked quietly.

Realizing that The Rock had left, Mamasantino Bearella came into room. He looked at Baby Cena Thuggy Bear, laid out on the floor.

"That is what you deserve for being so stoopid", he said to the unconcious body.

Then Mamasantino looked at Vickie.

"Even dressed like a Mamacita Bear, I still end up with the ladies", he said to himself as he pulled out a little comb to brush his unibrow.

As Mamasantino was primping in the mirror, Vickie-Locks was starting to wake up.

"Excuse me? Excuse me?", she said quietly as she got to her feet.

"So are you ready to make out and be my main squeeze", Mamasantino said to her from across the room where he was still sitting and primping.

"Excuse me?", Vickie-Locks asked.

"I am Italian and you are a cougar", Mamasantino said. "Let's get crazy with the romance!"

"You... you're dressed in a bear suit... a female bear suit and you want to be with me?", she asked.

"Don't I look extremely sexy", Mamasantino said with a big smile.

"Excuse me!", Vickie said. "Aaaauuuuuugggghhhhhh!":

Vickie went running from the room screaming at the top of her lungs as she fled the small cottage.

"Oh well, she was ugly anyhow", Mamasantino said to himself as he walked downstairs to the living room Picking up the TV remote, he clicked on the television.

"I wonder if Animal Planet is on?"

THE END...

WWE Dating Game 2011 (I Miss WCW Edition)

A/N: Got bored and this idea was in my head so I went for it. Only took about thirty-five minutes so if it's lacking, in the words of Snitsky, "it's not my fault!" Hope you enjoy...

-Doug



WWE Dating Game Special - Atlanta, GA Edition...

As part of the Wrestlemania 27 activities in Hot-Lanta, GA, the WWE and Vince McMahon have decided to resurrect an old staple of 1970's television, The Dating Game. Please welcome your announcer for this special show, "Mean" Gene Okerlund.

Okerlund: "Welcome to the WWE Wrestlemania 27 special attraction Dating Game. What we're going to be doing is having three wrestling superstars, who are very familiar to the fans here in Atlanta, GA... three wrestling icons who competed for World Championship Wrestling, take the stage and compete for the hand of and a very special date with one of the WWE's hottest Divas. But first, here is your host for this amazing event... this is the General Manager of Smackdown, Atlanta's own Theodore Long."

Teddy: "What's up, playa? Now, I don't know what posessed Vince and the WWE to do this bit... probably just another attempt to make WCW look bad, but I'm telling all of ya'll that it ain't gonna happen. Not with Teddy Long in the house. We've got three of WCW's biggest stars and we've got a hot Diva from the WWE. We gonna blow the roof off this place. Ya here me!"

Okerlund: "We hear you, Teddy!"

Teddy: "Now, Mean Gene, let's introduce the bachelors!"

Okerlund: "Oh no, give me a break! Bachelor Number One is from the Jersey Shore. He's a multiple time World Champion and the Master of the Diamond Cutter. Can you feel the bang? It's Diamond Dallas Page!"

Cheers fill the studio as Page stands up and gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter to the audience.

Okerlund: "Bachelor Number Two is from Atlanta, GA. He's lost in the seventies and believes that polyester and spandex are fashionable. It's the one and only (and thank goodness for that), Disco Inferno."

Disco stands up and does a quick dance routine. The cheers die quickly and Disco looks like an idiot dancing up on the stage to complete silence.

Okerlund: "And Bachelor Number Three is from Detroit, Michigan. He's a genetic freak. Let's hear it for 'Big Poppa Pump' Scott Steiner."

A few cheers from the crowd as Steiner stands up and poses a few times for the crowd.

Teddy: "Thank you, Gene Okerlund. Now, I've just gotta talk to the three bachelors. Gentlemen, welcome to the Dating Game, playas... I would ask you what you've been up to for the past few years, but we don't have the time and nobody really cares, can you dig that? Let's keep it moving. Hey Gene, bring out the WWE Diva."

Okerlund: "And now, if all three men are ready to compete for a hot date with this Diva, let's bring her own. She's a WWE Superstar and the resident cougar of the WWE roster. She's the former Interim-General Manager for WWE Smackdown. Here is Vickie Guerrero."

Boos fill the arena as Vickie comes out and takes a seat. She glares at the audience and then at Teddy Long.

Vickie: "Excuse me! I said EXCUSE ME!"

Teddy: "Vickie, there ain't no excuse for the likes of you, playa!"

Vickie: "Excuse me?"

Teddy: "Let's get on the with game. You know how to play so shut your mouth up before I fire you again and get ready to ask your question."

Vickie is just glaring at Teddy, when one of the bachelors speak up.

Steiner: "Hey Teddy. I like my freaks and all of that, but why are we competing for Vickie? I thought we'd at least be getting someone hot like Melina maybe..."

DDP: "Everyone's already had Melina. She loves to feel the BANG!"

Disco: "Don't be talking about Vickie. I think she's hot!"

DDP and Steiner turn and stare at Disco with amazed looks on their faces.

Disco: "I like older women... what?"

Teddy: "Don't be hating, playas. Let's get this game started. Vickie, ask your question for the bachelors."

Vickie (throwing Teddy another nasty look): Ok, so here we go. I like romantic evenings. What would you do, bachelors, to make our date extra special?"

Teddy: "You heard the questions. Now let's hear some answers! Who do you want to answer first?"

Vickie: "Bachelor Number One."

DDP: "To make our date extra special? I'd cook some steaks on the grill and get some wine and flowers for you. And we could put on a video of Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man to relax to while we do yoga exercises. And then, when we're all relaxed and happy, you would feel the BANG!"

Vickie: "Ummmmm... ok!"

DDP: "And then I'd give myself a self-high five!"

Disco: "From what I used to hear in the locker room, you do a lot of that anyway."

Steiner: "Kimberly... now that was a freak!"

DDP: "That was my wife!"

Steiner: "Yeah, I know..."

Teddy: "Keep it down, playas. And yeah, that Diamond Doll was a freak. Holla Holla Holla! Ask the next bachelor, Vickie!"

Vickie: "Okay, Number Two... the same question for you."

Disco: "How would I make our date extra special? Well, I'd bring out some good, romantic music. Maybe Donna Summer. Maybe even the Village People. And we could dance and shake our bootys all night long. We could put in a romantic movie. I've got Saturday Night Fever on dvd now. And some wine. Not just any wine either, but some Boone's Farm just for you. Strawberry Hill. "

Vickie: "That's enough!"

Disco: "Break out the glass balls and have strobe lights all over the house. And I'd even put on my orange spandex dancing suit, just for you."

Vickie: "I think I'm going to be sick! No wonder Eddie always warned me to stay away from you when he was part of WCW."

Disco: "Never forget that it's your duty to shake that booty. And from what I've seen of Vickie, that's a whole lot of booty to be shaking!"

Teddy: "Vickie, we've got one more bachelor up there. Ask your question for him."

Vickie: "Do I have to?"

Teddy: "If you want to keep this job, you'd better get to moving. Now holla, holla holla!"

Vickie: "Bachelor Number Three, what is your idea of a romantic evening?"

Steiner: "Candlelight. A long, sensous massage with classical jazz playing in the background. Some fine wine."

Vickie: "Sounds nice!"

Steiner: "Yeah, I love to let my freaks massage me and oil me down while I get plastered. And then the hoochie can rub my pecs and shoulders and tell me just how much I rock her world."

Vickie: "Excuse me?"

Steiner: "For all my freaks out there, Big Poppa Pump is your hook up! Holla if you hear me!"

Teddy: "And there you go, Vickie. We're almost out of time, so you can make your pick. Which one will it be... Bachelor One, Bachelor Two or Bachelor Three?"

Vickie: "Ummmm... I pick Bachelor Number.... Two?"

Disco (seen closing his cell phone): "Sorry babe, no can do. I just spoke to Alex Wright and there's a new club in town. We're going out dancing all night long."

Vickie: "Excuse me? Excuse me?"

Disco Inferno gets up and the camera follows him to the side of the set where "Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright is waiting, along with Niki and Brie Bella, the Bella Twins. We see the four wrestlers walk out the door.

Teddy: "Looks like that's a bust, Vickie, but you can still pick one of the two remaining bachelors."

Vickie: "Well, how about Number Three?"

Steiner: "Forget it, hoochie! I want a hot-ass Diva and a real freak to satisfy me! And I've already spotted one!"

WWE Hall of Famer Mae Young comes running out on the set and jumps on Scotty Steiner, grabbing his ass.

Steiner: "Now this is my kind of freak!"

Mae Young: "Puppies!"

Steiner leaned over and gave Mae a big kiss on the mouth.

Teddy: "That is sickening, playa! That's a crazy ass white boy!"

Steiner and Mae walk off the set together, arm in arm.

Teddy: "I think I just threw up in my mouth, playa! Vickie, I guess you're stuck with Bachelor Number One. Come on out, DDP!"

Dallas Page gets up and comes out to hug Vickie.

Vickie: "Excuse me? I said excuse me! Even I'm not this desperate. I have a boyfriend named Dolph Ziggler. And this... aauuughh!"

Vickie screamed as DDP reached over and gave her a picture perfect Diamond Cutter on the studio floor.

DDP: "I told you that she'd feel the BANG!"

Teddy: "Well, everyone else has left and I don't think Vickie will be wanting to do the date."

Teddy and DDP both looked down at Vickie who was laying out cold on the floor.

Teddy: "So, Diamond Dallas Page, you're the winner. You get a certificate for a week long stay at the Panama City, Florida resort and spa. Are you going alone or would you like us to arrange for a substitute Diva to accompany you?"

DDP: "I've got all the Diva I need right here!"

And here comes Kimberly Page walking into the studio and up to Page, taking his arm in hers.

Teddy: "So Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly win the Dating Game and are taking our prize trip. Someone come and get Vickie out of here. This is Teddy Long hollering at ya playaz... Thanks for watching the Dating Game. Holla Holla Holla! For everybody here in the WWE, good night!"

The End...

Goldilocks and The Three Bears

The Three Bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear and Baby Bear, returned to their little cottage after taking a leisurely stroll through the woods. As they approached their home, they noticed that the front door was standing open.

"Not again", Mama Bear cried as they saw the open door.

"I am so tired of this", Papa Bear growled.

"I want a hula hoop", Baby Bear squealed.

They went into their home and saw that someone had been sitting in their chairs.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair", Papa Bear growled.

"Someone's been sitting in my chair", Mama Bear cried.

"This is just like an episode of the Twilight Zone", Baby Bear remarked. And then, noticing the looks his parents were giving him, recited his lines. "Someone's been sitting in my chair too and they my broke my booster seat!"

Then the bears moved over to the kitchen and looked at the table where they had left three bowls of porridge to cool off as they took their walk.

"Someone's been eating my porridge", Papa Bear growled.

"Someone's been eating my porridge", Mama Bear cried.

"Why don't we just call Domino's", Baby Bear remarked. "Or maybe some chinese. I could really go for some Sweet & Sour Chicken right now." And then, feeling the gaze of his parent's eyes on him, Baby Bear added, "Someone's been eating my porridge too... and they ate it all up!"

Then, the Three Bears decided to go to bed. They went to the bedroom.

"Someone's been sleeping in my bed", Papa Bear growled.

Someone's been sleeping in my bed", Mama Bear cried.

"Do we really have to do this?", Baby Bear asked. "We all know that Goldilocks sat in the chairs, ate our food and is sleeping in the beds. She's still there in my bed and I'm getting pretty sick of it."

"We have to follow the storyline, dear", Mama Bear told her son.

"Why?", Baby Bear asked. "It's always the same thing. That girl breaks in our house, vandalizes the furniture, eats our food and passes out in my bed and all we do is chase her off until the next time."

"It is kind of annoying", Papa Bear agreed, "but what can we do?"'

The Three Bears stood there and stared at the still sleeping and unsuspecting Goldilocks. Finally, Mama Bear spoke up.

"I have an idea", she said.

"Let's eat her", Papa Bear growled. "After all, we're bears!"

"That is so tacky", Mama Bear said, giving her husband bear a nasty look.

"Let's put her in red leather and have her do a pole dance in a giant pool of grape jelly", Baby Bear said.

Both Mama Bear and Papa Bear turned to stare at their child.

"What?", Baby Bear asked.

"What do you think we should do, Mama Bear?", Papa Bear asked his wife. "I think we should just eat her."

"No", Mama Bear said. "We're taxpayers, so let's call the police and have her arrested."

"Can we put her in leather first?", Baby Bear asked.

"NO!", both Mama and Papa Bear yelled.

"That's a great idea, Mama", Papa Bear said. "Maybe if we have her locked up, she won't be able to break into our home anymore."

"I'll call the police right now", Mama Bear said as she pulled out her cell phone.

Minutes later, the police were there and the officer's woke Goldilocks up from her sleep, tapping her on the shoulder.

"What... oh no, it's bears", she started to say, but then realized it wasn't the usual scenario with the Bear family waking her... it was the police instead.

What's going on?", Goldilocks asked as she rubbed her eyes. "Why are the police here?"

"We're tired of you breaking into our house, eating our food and getting away with it. We decided to have you arrested", Mama Bear said.

"Do you like pudding?", Baby Bear asked Goldilocks.

"That's not how the story goes", Goldilocks said. "You're supposed to let me go. And no, I don't like pudding."

"We're changing the story, girlie", Papa Bear laughed.

"How about salmon patties and cheesecake?", Baby Bear asked.

"We'll see you in court", Mama Bear smiled. "Have fun in jail, dear!"

"You can't do this!", Goldilocks screamed. "It's not fair!"

"Settle down", the cop said.

"Go to hell", Goldilocks said as she attempted to kick the cop.

The officer stepped back and shot Goldilocks with a taser. Goldilocks shook and quivers, convulsing violently on the floor.

"I told her to settle down", the officer said.

"Can I play with that?", Baby Bear asked the officer as he stared at the taser.

"Sure", the officer said, handing Baby Bear the taser.

Baby Bear aimed it at the still-convulsing Goldilocks and shot her again. Goldilocks screamed in pain and began to quiver and shake and convulse even more.

"That was fun", Baby Bear said.

"Yeah, it is", the officer agreed. "Now, I'll take this habitual criminal to jail. Have a nice day!"

The officer picked up the semi-conscious Goldilocks by the arm, slapped the handcuffs on her, and took her away.

"Thank you for coming", Mama Bear told the cop as he was leaving.

"Appreciate it", Papa Bear said.

"We never did find out if she likes salmon and cheesecake", Baby Bear complained.

"Now, let's go watch Family Guy?", Papa Bear said as they settled down in their house.

"Papa, who's Charlie Sheen?", Baby Bear asked.

"Shut up, kid", Papa Bear scowled.

"He's your real father", Mama Bear answered.

"What?", Papa Bear bellowed.

"Be quiet dear, Stewie is on", Mama Bear said.

"I like Stewie", Baby Bear said. "He's cool!"

"What about Charlie Sheen?", Papa Bear asked.

"I'm kidding dear. I'm kidding", Mama Bear sighed. "Don't I wish it was Charlie Sheen?"

"Oh", Papa Bear said as the family settled down to watch Family Guy. "What?"

**

Time passed quickly and several weeks later, it was time for Goldilocks to go to trial. She was charged with breaking & entering, vandalism, and larceny. The case caught the attention of the media when it was revealed that Goldilocks was actually the granddaughter of a rich hotel tycoon.

"That explains why she dresses so badly", Papa Bear said.

"It takes a lot of money to look that cheap", Mama Bear replied.

"She's a slut", said Baby Bear.

At the trial, the District Attorney took the Bears aside and assured them that they have nothing to worry about. It seems that Goldilocks was a habitual offender and had a long history of criminal acts against members of the Bear community, many of who had agreed to testify against her to establish her lack of remorse and prejidice against bears.

So the testimony began as Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear testified and told the judge and jury about how many times that Goldilocks had broken into their home, destroyed chairs, eaten their food and then passed out in Baby's bed.

"And she wouldn't even wear the fuzzy handcuffs", Baby said angrily.

And then the D.A. brought in his expert witnesses who testified about their own encounters with Goldilocks.

"I caught her with her hand in my honey pot", said Winnie the Pooh. "And she frightened Piglet... although that's not really hard to do. Luckily, Tigger bounced by and chased her away... or was he chasing his tail? I don't remember, but he was really chasing it. Oh bother..."

"I went to the Comedy Club and she had stolen all of my jokes", Fozzy Bear complained. "Like this one... A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, 'why the long face?'... Get it? Long face? Waka waka waka."

"I've seen her playing with matches and starting forest fires", Smokey Bear testified. "I went up to her and told her that 'only you can prevent forest fires!' She gave me the middle finger. She's dangerous!"

"She hides the pic-a-nic baskets in Jellystone Park before I can sample the goodies", Yogi Bear said. "And she took Boo Boo to a strip club. He was traumitized, right Boo Boo?"

"Yeah", Boo Boo Bear answered with a dreamy look and huge smile on his face.

"She doesn't like soft and cuddly", the Snuggles Bear complained.

"She mimics everything I say in a mocking fashion", Teddy Ruxpin testified.

The testimony against Goldilocks continued and such witnesses as The Gummy Bears, Baloo, Br'er Bear, and Paddington all gave their statements and it was indeed looking mighty bleak for the young, fair haired lass.

Finally the prosecution called their last witness, who flew in from South Park, Colorado. Sexual Harassment Panda took the stand and testified that Goldilocks did indeed, "makes me a sad panda".

And with that, the prosecution rested their case.

Goldilocks spoke briefly with her attorney, who then addressed the court. Goldilocks would not take the stand because she was not the guilty one. Instead, they had two expert witnesses, who would testify on behalf of Goldilocks. The defense first called Dr. Phil to the stand.

Dr. Phil took the stand and testified that after interviewing Goldilocks, he discovered that she had childhood trauma after one day at lunch, her Alphabet Soup spelled out the word (expletive deleted). The jury and courtroom observers gasped in horror. Dr. Phil also went on to explain how Goldilocks had once watched the entire movie, "Freddy Gets Fingered", starring Tom Green. Therefore, none of her actions, nor the consequences of said actions, were her fault and not only should she be found not guilty, but the jury should award her damages from the stress and trauma brought forth by the Bear's actions against her.

And then the defense attorney called a surprise witness, cartoon icon Daffy Duck. Daffy took the stand.

"I've only one question for you, Mister Duck", the attorney said to Daffy. "What season is it?"

"Oh, you're not getting me", Daffy said. "It's basketball season, still technically winter and Nascar season as well."

"But is it not also duck season?", the attorney asked.

"No, it is not that season", Daffy said.

"What season?", the attorney asked.

"Duck season", Daffy replied.

The Judge, the D.A., the defense attorney and the bailiffs all pulled out rifles and shot Daffy.

"Mother.....!", Daffy said before dropping to the ground and running like a lunatic from the room.

"I've always wanted to do that", the attorney said. "No more witnesses, your honor!"

The Judge concluded the trial and sent the jury back to make a decision as to the fate of Goldilocks for her repeated crimes against not only The Three Bears, but bears in general.

Finally, the jusy came back and the Judge asked for a verdict.

"We find Goldilocks not guilty", the jury said.

"What?", Papa Bear complained to the D.A. "You said we couldn't lose!"

"WIn some and lose some", the D.A. said. "Well, have a nice day!"

And the D.A. quickly exited the room to get away from the Bears.

"Oh dear", Mama Bear exclaimed. "I guess we'll have to put up with that.... girl breaking back into our house again now."

"Maybe she'll wear skimpy lingerie", Baby Bear said.

Papa Bear didn't say anything.

"What are we going to do, Papa?", Mama Bear asked.

"The polka", Baby Bear suggested.

"Hold on a second. I'll be right back", Papa Bear said as he eyed a familiar blond head of hair walking into the restroom.

Papa Bear walked away as Mama Bear sighed worriedly.

"I really don't want to have to put up with that stuff again", she complained to Baby Bear. "Maybe we should get a dog?"

"Maybe we should do the Electric Slide", Baby Bear said.

Suddenly, Papa Bear walked back up.

"Well, we don't have to worry about Goldilocks coming and bothering us anymore", Papa Bear said.

"Did you talk to her?", Mama Bear asked.

"In a manner of speaking", Papa Bear smiled as he rubbed his stomach and let out a small burp."

"No, you didn't", Mama Bear sighed.

"Yeah, I did", Papa Bear smiled. "And if you had let me do this in the first place, we never would have had these problems."

"You're right Papa", Mama Bear admitted. "We should have just eaten her instead of calling the police."

"What did you say", Papa Bear asked. "I'm what?"

Mama Bear gave Papa Bear a kiss.

"Let's go home, family", she laughed.

"Let's go to the mall", Baby Bear said. "and watch the winos pee on themselves."

"Is that really my son?", Papa Bear asked.

"Either yours or Charlie Sheen's", Mama Bear smiled.

"What?", Papa Bear said.

THE END (?)