(Retro) I Tawt I Taw An Idiot! I Did! I Did Taw An Idiot - Jan. 29, 2010

I Tawt I Taw An Idiot! I Did! I Did Taw An Idiot! - January 26, 2010
I had an encounter with stupidity last night while at work that pretty much defies description. It brings the term "unobservant" and "idiot" to a whole new level.

Let me start off by explaining exactly where I work - Murphy USA, also known as the "Wal-Mart Gas Station" (even though, in truth, we are not affiliated with Wal-Mart in any manner, to the best of my knowledge). If you go to a Wal-Mart or Super Wal-Mart or Sam's Club for that matter and see a little metal box surrounded by eight or twelve gas pumps at the far edge of the parking lot, that's us - Murphy USA. (Or as I generally refer to it - The Hellmouth II because we're on the fringes of corporate hell.)

So I'm at work and just doing my thing, spreading love and excellent customer service to the masses that are the population of Laurinburg, NC.

And a young woman comes up to my window of the kiosk.

The first thing I notice is that she's dressed pretty trashy and her boobs are hanging out everywhere. Not that it has anything to do with this story, but it was just the first thing that caught my eye. It seems that with the weather getting hotter, I'm seeing more and more exposed flesh every day. And it's not necessarily the flesh I'm wanting to see. Put some damn clothes on, girlie! Cover those things up. Looks like an outbreak of the mumps. Geez!

And pull your pants up too. I don't want to see your lacy thong and butt-crack...

But where was I?
Oh yeah. She walks up to my kiosk and has this blank expression on her face. And she asks if we sell "gas caps".
OK, I can answer this one.

"Nope!', I reply.

So she stands there for a second and I can see the words forming in her head - this is taking an effort on her part and it's scaring me a little bit.

"So do you know anywhere around here where I can find a gas cap for my car?"

OK, a good question. And I can answer this one too.

"Sure. How about Wal-Mart?"
And her reply...

"Where's the Wal-Mart at?"...

Less than 75 yards away, in the same parking lot, is about 4500 square feet of building - and there are about 300 cars sitting in front of it. The entire evil aura of the corporate giant just dominates the whole area. And she doesn't know where Wal-Mart is? She's in the freakin' parking lot and asks me that extremely stupid question. And she's serious? Oh vey!

I just turn to my left and point at the big store.

She just looks at me with that dazed expression on her face and I can feel my IQ dropping by a dozen points for even attempting to have this conversation.
"It's right there!", I say.

She stands there for another minute and then goes, "Oh!" and walks off.
I watched her get into her car and drive off. And I'm thinking to myself, "this person is allowed to have a driver's license?".

And I think I saw kids in the car.

"This person is allowed to reproduce?"

And do you know what is really scary? She's a semi-regular customer. She's been at my store before. She lives in Laurinburg. I've seen her before IN THE WAL-MART!
And her question was..."Where's the Wal-Mart at?"

Be afraid... be very afraid.

And how are ya'll doing this morning?

(Retro) The Game Of Life: A Really Good Survey - June 23, 2009

The Game Of Life (A Really Good Survey) - June 23, 2009

Would you ever turn in someone close to you if they committed a serious offense?

It would depend on what they allegedly did, who it is we're talking about and about a million other circumstances and thingys. I can't say yes or no - especially since I know first hand hand how corrupt and messed up our so-called "justice" system is. It's a myth and the innocent are left to rot and waste away while the guilty flourish and thrive - and all that matters is if you have connections or money. You know what - the more I think about it - I don't think it does matter - if it comes to dealing with the local law enforcement (who, at least among the higher levels are as corrupt as they come), I probably wouldn't turn anyone in. I have several friends who are police officers and I respect and trust them individually, but I have no faith at all in the so-called "system" - it's not justice and it's not honest and anyone that says it is - especially around here is a liar or extremely niave. I wouldn't hand my worst enemy over, much less someone close to me.

Would you ever make a porno if it set you up financially for life?

If I ever make a porno, I'd better be getting very well paid for it (or else just very bored. What? You've got a video camera? Come on over...lol). Yes - I most definitely would.

Would you ever eat spoiled food from the garbage if the only other option was starving to death?

If those are my only options, I would do what I have to do to survive, whatever it is. And let's be honest - I think we've all had worse things in our mouth at one time or another...

If you were stranded in the mountains and your only chance of survival was eating the body of another human (deceased of course), would you do it?

Read my previous answer - I would do what I have to do in order to survive. Just pass me some ketchup and fire up the grill..

If you ever found yourself homeless, do you think you could survive?

I'm somewhat smart, pretty resourceful and I've done it before (long story) - so it would definitely be yes.

If you were to find out before having sex with a partner that they have an STD, would you still have sex with them?

It would depend on just exactly what STD we're talking about. If it's HIV or Herpes, then the answer would be no - not a chance in hell. If it's one of the others, it would probably depend on the situation, the person, how drunk I am at the time and if we have protection - no glove / no love. It's strictly a "depends on the circumstances / person" type of thing.

If you were in a serious accident and your only chance of survival were to cut off a limb, could you do it?

Sure - I know several people who are missing limbs (an arm, a leg, some toes, etc) and they get by. We have solidiers coming home from Iraq & Afghanistain every day missing limbs and they adapt and go on with their lives. I'm certainly not in their league (the women and men of our Armed Forces), but still, could I do any less? I'd deal with it, adapt to it and move on with my life, as I should.

If you were faced with the choice of saving the life of a loved one, or thousands of strangers, which would you choose?

Hmmm! Depends on which loved one we're talking about. Strangers die every day and the world is over-populated as it is, so would we really be doing the strangers a favor by saving them? Maybe I'm a selfish bastard, but I value the few people I actually call "friends" very much - and if I have to choose between the few people I trust and love or a bunch of complete strangers, I think I would pick my loved one. I don't know for sure and I pray I'd never have to find out - but that's the way I'm leaning at the moment.

Could you tell a partner if they were really shitty in bed?

No - I'd never do that. I'd try to help them work on their bad habits and techniques and improve on them (lots of practice and subtle suggestions) and try to help them improve their skills. And I'd expect them to do the same for me - I know my flaws and the things I need to improve (I"m not a great "top"- and I know my strong points ( i can suck a watermelon through a drinking straw), but if you have the skills to help me improve my skills and technique - please do so and share and I'll do the same for you. And we'd get in lots of practice until we get it right. Even "shitty in bed" is still in bed and that's never really a bad thing.

If you arrived at the scene of an accident and discovered it was your worst enemy whose life was in jeopardy, would you stay and help, or walk away?

Stay and help - this one doesn't even require much thought - there is no person or persons I hate enough to want to see them dead.

What if they needed a blood transfusion and you were their only option. Would you do it?

Yeah - the same answer as above applies - there is no person or persons I dislike enough to want to see dead.

Do you think it is important to always tell the truth, or spare someone's feelings?

It's important to be honest, but there is no reason to always be an ass about it. Even the worst of tastes can be sweetened with a bit of honey added to the mix - be honest, but be fair and be nice.

What is the longest you have ever gone without cursing?

It's hard to me to go ten minutes without slipping out something, but I do tone it down and try to refrain when I'm around the kids or at the church doing my volunteer thing. I've gone literally days without cursing and I've had days where every other word was "f" this or something of that nature. It just depends on the way life is at any given moment and what words best fit my situation and mood.

When was the last time you saw your most recent ex?

Well, I was looking at his mugshot and DOC record last night. But the last time I saw him in person was June of last year - about a week after our last fight. He came by the house and tried to apologize and I sort of freaked and it wasn't a pretty sight. He was arrested the next day and has been in the custody of DOC ever since - and even though he's written to me, plus sent messages via others to contact him, I just haven't. He's dead to me. Which is really bad because the sex was really good. Just saying. I think about him sometimes and wish things had turned out different (maybe we'd have stayed friends) but what's done is done and I have more important things in my life these days.

What was the last funeral you attended?

The last funerals that I attended were my brother's, my dad's and my step-dad's. After the last one (My step-dad, Ray) I decided I don't do funerals. I will attend the sitting up if I need to and pay my respects to the family that way, but I'll wait until after the dust has settled from the funeral and make a trip to the cementary to "talk" to the person if they were someone I need to say good-bye to. That's more personal and real to me than standing among a bunch of people and watching a box let lowered into he ground.

Is there anyone you wish you could make love you?

I know a few I'd like to see have "compulsions to savage my body with crazy sex" - its the whole "lust thing" and my strong desire to get freaky with a shit-load of straight boys - but so far as "love" goes, if I have to "make them" love me, it's not real and not worth it. I've finally found someone who can accept me and love me for who I am and how I am - and I didn't have to "make him" do anything. I was just me - he was just him and it's all kind of coming together and is working out OK. It's harder and there are rough days and moments, but I didn't "make him" do anything - he does what he wants to do - and he never could "make me" do anything I didn't want to do either - it's real and that's what matters. If it was forced, it might go a lot smoother sometimes, but it wouldn't be the same or worth it overall.

Do cemeteries scare you?

Nope - I've always felt very comfortable and relaxed in the graveyards. The dead can't hurt you.

What is something you loved as a child that you still love now?

Wrestling - it was my obsession as a child and, lo and behold, it still is. Comics too.

Are you a packrat?

(Looking around) - Thousands of comics, hundreds of old wrestling mags, hundreds of books, boxes full of old clothes, toys from my childhood, letters, cards, newspapers, pictures, racks and shelves from old stores, action figures, etc. All of these fill up the spaces of my house. So am I packrat? You be the judge of that.

Do you think you're addicted to Myspace?

Hmmmmmm! Yes!

Do you miss being a kid?

At times, I miss the innocence and good stuff - no real responsibility - just having fun and living life - but I'm better for what life has given me - both good and bad - and I don't think I'd want to go back - it'd be nice to lose some of the baggage, but it couldn't be the same - you can't go home again and I can't be a kid again, so why even wonder about it. Rejoice in the good memories and move on.

What compelled you to create a Myspace page?

A comment by a friend at one of the Yahoo groups - a way to promote the columns I write and to promote the fantasy wrestling leagues I used to do - a way to meet more new people and reconnect with others from my past - so many reasons. I can't remember exactly what it was that first brought me to the MySpace - some of these things? All of these things? Who knows for sure? But I'm glad that whatever reason it was brought me here because it's been a ride and a half and it's only just begun. I wouldn't trade it for anything - and I'm planning to be here for a long time to come.

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: September 14, 2011

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
September 14, 2011
Doug Maynard

Hi there. Did you miss me? I'm Doug and this is professional wrestling's most eclectic column ever (and I do mean ever), "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News!". I've been away for a while. I'm back. And let the fun begin...

In just six short months from now, it'll be time for the WWE's biggest show of the year, Wrestlemania. And along with a main event of The Rock taking on John Cena, part of the excitement will include the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2012. And more importantly, who will make up the list of Inductees for the HOF? I have no idea who the WWE might be considering, but I have my own ideas for a strong and kick-ass class of 2012.

In keeping with the WWE's plans to have a celebrity inductee, as well as at least one female inductee, and in keeping the names of deceased wrestlers to a minimum as well, it wasn't really easy. But I think I came up with a great group of well deserved superstars for this honor. Let's do this...

Before I really get started, I want to address the most obvious admissions from the Hall of Fame that will NOT be inducted this year and probably not until either they pass away and have no say in the matter or until hell freezes over.
The biggest name is Bruno Sammartino. The man was the WWWF Champion twice and held the title for close to eleven years. Vince McMahon and the WWE want Bruno in the Hall of Fame, but Bruno keeps saying no. He doesn't like Vince McMahon and has been very outspoken about the direction that the WWE and pro wrestling in general has gone over the past several years. It can't really be called a legitimate Hall of Fame without the man who carried the WWE (then WWWF) through their first decade in existence. I'm hoping that eventually, Bruno will decide to put his personal feelings for Vince McMahon aside and give in for his fans, the men and women that were there cheering him on each and every match for so many years. The fans want Bruno in the HOF. Vince wants Bruno in the HOF. The only hold-up is Bruno and that's sad.

The next person that comes to mind is former WWF Champion Bob Backlund. Like Bruno, Backlund has been offered the chance to go into the HOF many times before and he certainly deserves it. He was the main man, the WWF Champion, for over five years and had some great matches against the likes of Don Muraco, Superstar Billy Graham, Greg Valentine and so many others. But also like Bruno, not being a part of the HOF is Backlund's decision. Backlund still makes the occasional in-ring appearance and doesn't want to be classified as an "old timer", even though he most definitely is. He feels that being a Hall of Famer will hurt his chances for one last big run.

I've got news for ya, Bob. It isn't going to happen. In my opinion, I think if he had the title "WWE Hall of Famer" attached to his name, it would increase his marketability and chance for regular work with the WWE again. But you can't force a man to be in the Hall of Fame and until Bob Backlund decides that he's ready to be inducted, it's not going to happen.

Now we move on to Jim Cornette and the Midnight Express. Is Jim Cornette a Hall of Fame manager? Damn straight he is. And The Midnight Express was having legendary matches against The Road Warriors and The Rock & Roll Express (who also deserve to be in the Hall of Fame and will be eventually) twenty years ago and are still wrestling as a team. Usually it's Bobby Eaton and Dennis Condrey wrestling, but every so often, Stan Lane pops up as well. This grouping deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.

But there's just one small problem. Jim Cornette and Vince McMahon don't like each other. It all stems from a small incident where Vince and the WWE fired Cornette from his job at Ohio Valley Wrestling, a company that Cornette was a co-founder of. And Jimmy Cornette holds a grudge. It'd be nice to see Vince and Cornette kiss and make up so Bobby, Dennis and Stan could get the recognition and honors they deserve, but I doubt we'll see it in our lifetime.

And finally on my list of the top people who deserve HOF honors, but WON'T get inducted, how about the greatest wrestling tag team of the 70's, bar none. The Minnesota Wrestling Crew, aka Ole and Gene Anderson. When you talk about tag teams that stood out and dominated their opponents, no one stands out more than the no nonsense brawlers who dominated the Mid-Atlantic and Georgia territories for well over a decade. And it was so simple - isolate a body part (usually an arm) and just break it down until the match was over and they won.

And then when you add their careers after the team ended (Gene as a manager, Ole as part of the Four Horsemen, as well as the booker for Mid-Atlantic Wrestling AND Georgia Championship Wresting, a time when both territories thrived), they definitely should be part of any true wrestling Hall of Fame.

But Vince McMahon screwed Ole over and stole Georgia Wrestling out from under him (due to some major back-stabbing by Ole's then partners, Jack and Jerry Brisco) and well, Ole holds a grudge. The hatred that Ole has for Vince McMahon makes Jim Cornette's dislike of Vince very pale in comparison. I'd love to see the Anderson's get the recognition and honors they deserve, but it's not going to happen. Not in the WWE. Actually, I'd just like to trap Vince and Ole in a room together for a few hours and record it. It would be... interesting. And probably a lot of fun for everyone not named Vince or Ole.

But that's who's NOT going into the WWE Hall of Fame. Not now and probably not ever. Well, Bruno and Backlund will go in just as soon as they agree to be inducted, but Cornette and Ole. Not gonna happen. Not now and not ever. (And now watch - they'll probably both be inducted within the next year or so - just to make me wrong.) Now let's move on to who I think WILL be going into the WWE Hall of Fame, and probably (if I was the one doing the inductions), this year. Let's do it!

Mick Foley: WWE is going to need a headliner for the Induction ceremony and who better than Mrs. Foley's little baby boy, Mick? Whether he was using the name of Cactus Jack, Mankind, Dude Love or his real name, Foley has been a big part of the wrestling world for a long, long time in World Class Wrestling, WCW, Japan, ECW, TNA and the WWE. He's the Hardcore Legend. And let's not forget that he's a multiple-time best selling author. And when you factor in that Mick recently left TNA wrestling and has been working his way back into the WWE circles, it's all just a matter of getting Mick down to Miami and getting the right person there to induct him (Terry Funk). Mick is going in, sooner rather than later. Of that, I am pretty sure.

Ivan Koloff: Along with Bruno and Backlund, not having "The Russian Bear" Ivan Koloff in the WWE Hall of Fame is a major disappointment. He's the man who ended the first WWWF title reign of Bruno Sammartino. He headlined wrestling events all over the world, holding numerous titles. And he was always the consumate heel in the ring, but truly a respectful and honorable gentleman outside of that squared circle. When you talk about legends and icons, few men have a resume that can match Koloff's. And I'm not sure exactly what the deal is with the WWE that Ivan hasn't been inducted yet, but it's an oversight that needs to be rectified as soon as possible. As for who does the induction, I'm sure that the "Russian Nightmare" Nikita Koloff would be available.

Arn Anderson & Tully Blanchard (The Brain Busters): Two of the founding members of the original Four Horsemen. That alone would deserve these two men a spot in the Hall of Fame, but there is so much more. Tag team titles in both the NWA and WWF. Countless singles titles between the two of them. Tully's work as a minister since leaving wrestling. Arn's work as an agent in both WCW and the WWE since injuries forced his retirement. It's hard to find any kind of reason not to induct these two men, whether as singles stars or as a tag team. I can't think of any, so just induct them already.

And if Flair ends his time with TNA in the near future, as rumors seem to indicate might be in the works, bring back Ric Flair to induct them. If he's not available, call J.J. Dillon. It really doesn't matter who does the inducting, so long as these two icons get their due recognition.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth: Another no-brainer. I really don't see how the WWE can NOT induct Macho after his recent death. It's been a big omission for so many years and is long overdue. As for Elizabeth, she may have eventually become his ex-wife, but they were on friendly terms, able to work together in WCW after their divorce and their names will forever be intertwined. They should go in together and it should be as soon as possible. For Randy, I'd have his brother "Leaping" Lanny Poffo aka "The Genius" do the induction. As for Elizabeth, Lex Luger is the obvious choice, but that might stir up too many bad feelings for everyone involved. So Trish Stratus should be the one to step up and do the honors.

Madusa Micelli: I can already here the naysayers out there. "It won't happen! Micelli dumped the title belt in a trash can. Vince will never forgive her!". Well, when you consider the history between Vince and Wendi Richter or the history between Vince and Verne Gagne, who are both in the Hall of Fame, is it really hard to think that Vince would welcome Madusa back to the WWE family? What Madusa did was at the orders of Eric Bischoff, who himself went on to work for the WWE for six years. She's admitted in interviews several times since that dumping the belt into the trash was a mistake and she regretted it. And WWE.com did a spotlight feature on Madusa not so long ago, spotlighting her career, both in the ring and as a Monster Truck Driver.

So even if things are not perfect, the healing and mending of hard feelings between the WWE and Madusa has already begun. And as for why she deserves the spot, she's a former AWA and WWF Women's Champion. She was an extremely successful manager in the AWA. She's a former WCW Cruiserweight Champion. She's got the resume and credentials. Now, she just needs to be inducted. As for who should do the induction for her, how about either Beth Phoenix, who is much like a modern day Madusa, in my opinion, or "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Madusa worked with Steve as part of the "Dangerous Alliance" in WCW and they have a history. Works for me.

James Crockett Jr.: Here's another long-shot that probably won't happen. But then again, it's the WWE and as they like to say, anything can happen. When Vince started the national expansion of the then-WWF, he swallowed up territory after territory, either buying them out or forcing them out of business through all sorts of means and shenanigans. One promotion managed to not only survive Vince's expansion, but fought back and expanded themselves, eventually taking over Florida, Bill Watt's UWF, Georgia and Toronto, adding those areas to their already strong Mid-Atlantic promotion. That was Jim Crockett Promotions. Eventually, Jim Crockett sold his business to Ted Turner and WCW was born.

But Crockett gave Vince a helluva fight for a long, long time and one thing about Vince is that he respects a fighter. I think that's why he inducted Verne Gagne to the Hall of Fame. Vince may not like Verne, but Verne fought back with the AWA. And Crockett falls into that same category. I don't know what Vince's personal relationship with Jim Crockett is like, but I know that both Jim and his brother, David Crockett have participated in quite a few of the WWE's DVD's, so I'm sure it's amicable.

And that, plus taking into consideration that Jim Crockett Promotions and the Mid-Atlantic territory was one of the strongest wrestling territories for well over forty years, creating such stars as Ric Flair, Barry Windham, The Rock & Roll Express, Magnum TA, Nikita Koloff, Arn Anderson, and so many others, the boss-man of the company should be a shoo-in. It'd be a nice nod of recognition for the entire Mid-Atlantic wrestling territory and their long and glorious history. And it should happen. Bring in Bob Caudle (the voice and face of Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling, who deserves an induction in his own right) to do the honors of inducting his former boss. Tony Schiavone would be a great person to bring in to induct the man who gave him his first announcing job as well.

Magnum T.A.: Terry Allen was well on his way to becoming one of wrestling's biggest stars when his career was cut short by a horiffic car accident. So his potential was never quite reached. But in the few short years, he did pretty well regardless by establishing his name originally in the Mid-South region with feuds against such stars as Ted DiBiase, Jim Duggan, Kamala and Mr. Wrestling II.

And then it was to the Carolinas where his feuds with Tully Blanchard, Nikita Koloff and especially Ric Flair took him to new heights. If that car crash hadn't occured, the question isn't if he would be the NWA World Champion, but when. Even now, his "Best of Seven" battle with Nikita and the "I Quit" match against Tully Blancard are extremely popular with wrestling fans, who never got the chance to see Magnum TA in action live. He's still one of the most recognizable stars of the NWA from the eighties and he deserves to be recognized and given his just due. Why not now in the WWE Hall of Fame?

Regis Philbin: If the WWE wants to have a Celebrity induction each and every year, who better than Regis? For close to fifty years, Regis has been one of professsional wrestling's biggest supporters. Regis has always made it a point to feature wrestling stars on his show, like Bobby Heenan, Rick Rude, Freddie Blassie, Georgous George, Buddy Rogers and so many more. He's made appearances at Wrestlemania for the WWE. And the Monday following Wrestlemania on LIVE!, be with with Kathie Lee or Kelly Ripa, you always knew the first topic of Host Chat would be what happeed at Wrestlemania and the WWE. Regis is finally wrapping up an amazing career, retiring from his show, "Live! with Regis and Kelly" in November. What can he do for a follow up after that? How about being part of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2012. It works for me.

And there you go. My predictions and who I would select to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame come Wrestlemania weekend. Do I think the WWE will listen? Well, maybe on Foley, Arn Anderson and the "Macho Man", but the rest? I'm not going to hold my breath. But it's a good list with something for everyone and no one can deny that these men and women deserve to be recognized for their accolades and are all Hall of Fame worthy. If James Dudley can be there, anyone can... and the people I named, they actually deserve it!

Before I close this out, I have a couple of cheap plugs. Alice Cooper's new album, "Welcome 2 My Nightmare" came out yesterday. It's a follow-up of sorts to the classic Alice album "Welcome To My Nightmare" from the seventies. The tracks I've heard so far are awesome and truly some of Alice's best work. So check it out if you get the chance.

And for wrestlng fans in North Carolina, I have to give a shout out to the superstars of ACW (American Championship Wrestling), truly one of the best and hottest Indy wrestling companies in the United States today. They have two shows coming up - one in Rockingham, NC this upcoming Saturday night (9/18) and then next weekend in Laurinburg, NC (my home-town) on September 24, 2011 with such stars as Ethan Storm, Chris Steele, Ty Tyson, the IWA, Red Thunder and so many others. I do have to warn you though. ACW is NOT the WWE or TNA. It's BETTER! It's true... It's damn true! So if you're in south-eastern North Carolina and want to have a great time and see great wrestling, Rockingham this upcoming Saturday and Laurinburg next week with the stars of American Championship Wrestling (ACW) is the place to be. Check it out.

And that's going to do it for me. I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions on who should make up the Class of 2012 for the WWE Hall of Fame. Write me at Doug28352@yahoo.com and let me know what you think.

Also, come visit me at Facebook at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me - you know you want to. Thanks for reading. I'm Doug and I'll catch you on the flip side. Take care! Ubuntu!

Super Duper Random Survey

Super Duper Random Survey

What is your favorite Kool-Aid flavor? Favorite flavor is the lemonade (pink variety), but I also like to mix the cherry and fruit punch flavors together for an extra kick.

Do you have a wireless keyboard and mouse? Nope - I'm still living in the old days with a big old desktop and lots of wires and connections everywhere.

Last sporting event you watched on tv or in person? A few minutes of Smackdown last night - and of course watching the political pundits on Fox & MSNBC tear each other apart over the crappy political games that our so-called "Leaders" play instead of actually working for our country's best interest.

Who makes the best fudge? I do - got a recipe from school (home ec was good for some things... lol) that kicks ass. I played with it, did some adjustments and modifications over the past few years and now it is... as The Miz would say... AWESOME!!

Do you like it when toothpaste bubbles in your mouth? White and bubbly stuff in MY mouth - that's disgusting!!! Well, toothpaste doing it is anyhow... lol.

Do you believe that the world is gonna end at 2012? Only if Barack Obama is re-elected...lol. Nah, the world has been here for millions of years and I suspect that it'll be here for millions of years more..

How many songs are on your iPod or MP3 Player? Don't have an iPod or MP3 Player - I'm poor! But there are about 3200 songs on my computer - and they ROCK!!

Have you ever made your own survey? Of course.

Can you swear inside your house? Yeppers - and I do quite often. (Of course, I always look around to make sure that nobody heard me when I finish and I always say excuse me afterwords.)

Do you save Bed Bath and Beyond coupons? Nope. But I do save (and use) coupons for KFC and Arby's... lol

Have you ever had a pet goldfish? Yeppers, but he was one of those black goldfish. He had big bug eyes and liked to stare at me through the glass in his bowl. His name was Sonny, but I generally just called him "Damn fish!" And my cat that I had at the time (Stinky - I miss my cat) wanted to call him "dinner" but never got the chance. Poor baby!

When did you last eat waffles? Had them for breakfast a few days ago - or was it lunch. It was almost five in the evening, but it was my first meal of the day. They were good!

Do you have a video Skype account? Nope - sure don't. I'm happy with my regular e-mail account, my blog site, You-Tube and Facebook... that's more than enough for this simple man.

What color is your bed comforter? Off white (kind of a creme color) with pink and blue designs.

Does being in love make you gain weight? Not for me - if I'm happy (and being in love, especially with the guy I'm in love with), I lose weight. It's only when I'm depressed and miserable that I gain weight.

Dumbest person you know? and why? Hard to name just one person - actually hard to name any person because even though some of the people I know do dumb things, they're smart in other ways. We all have "dumb moments" in our lives.

Do your parents have home videos of you as a kid? Actually, they do (scary) - but they're on the old 8mm tapes that were big in the early 70's - if I ever get any extra money, I need to have those reels converted to a DVD or at least VHS. They're from Christmas in 1973 (I think).

How old is your oldest cousin? I've got so many cousins (22 aunts and uncles total) that I'm sure that all ranges of ages are covered from the twenties to the seventies... There are A LOT of people sharing this bloodline.

If you HAD to get a tattoo, where and what would it be? Already have one drawn out and designed - it's a World Championship belt (like the old WCW World Title) with "Tossing Salt" on it and the dates 2002 - 2011 which how long I've been writing the "Tossing Salt" columns. It also has the initials of me on one "panel" and the initials of the man I want to spend the rest of my life with "CEH" on the other. It's pretty cool in my opinion - I just need to get it done one day.

Do you think Obama has tried drugs? YES!!! His college roomie was a drug dealer - and there are several eyewitness accounts (which the liberal media denounces) that witnessed him doing coke and crack. And he hangs out with Rahm Emanuel - a known (alleged) coke user. And if you really want to get technical, he's a smoker (admitted though he tries to hide it) and nicotine is a drug. Where there's smoke, there's fire and with Barack, there is definitely a lot of smoking going on...

What color is your bra or boxers? The boxers are red with black stripes. I don't have a bra because I prefer to go au natural!

What is your favorite radio station? 96.5 Bob - they play everything...

What ethnicity was your last ex? My last ex-what?? Danny was (is) a native american. Most of my past encounters have been with Indian fellows. Hmmm! Whassup wit' dat?

What brand is your refrigerator? I have no idea and I don't feel like going in there to look.

How many people do you know that are pregnant? Two that I can think of - Tamara (who is due next month, I think - her and Kenneth gonna have a baby boy - yay for them - they gonna be great parents) and Audrey (not sure when she's due or what she's expecting, but she'll be a good mama too!)

Do you have a picture with your middle finger up? Yeppers - I definitely do. That seems to be a FB / MySpace pic requirement.. lol

When is the last time you went to a birthday party? Honestly, I don't remember - it's been a few years.

What is the best thing to happen to you this year so far? Let's see - still unemployed, been in hospital twice, lost drivers license, went to court and got placed under house arrest, Cal is STILL not here, etc. Has anything good happened this year? Yeah - Danny got locked up and is out of my life (finally) - he was amazing in one way, but totally bad news in so many others - good riddance and I am definitely better to be away from him. So there you go - Danny is gone! 'Nuff said!

How long have you lived in the house you live in? Thirty years as of this past June. I've moved away many times, but keep coming back. This is home.

Do you read a newspaper daily? From cover to cover - I also watch the news (Fox and MSNBC to get both sides) and read the news on the internet. I like to stay informed.

Anything your really afraid of? Spider crickets give me the heebie-jeebies. I'm uncomfortable in crowds or meeting new people, but I can cope. Used to be scared of committment, but being with Cal got me past that (I love the guy!). Probably growing up - that's the hardest thing for me to face sometimes. Don't like it and don't want to do it.

Do you read tabloids? Not anymore - they're way too expensive. But I love "tabloid tv" like TMZ, Entertainment Tonight, etc. I love to know what's going on in the scandalous world of entertainment..

Have you ever had a really bad haircut? Yeppers - there have been one or two of those... lol.

Do you like your peanut butter crunchy or creamy? I like the stuff that goes in my mouth to be creamy... lol.

What is the scariest movie you've ever seen? The Smurfs - little blue people freak me out... lol.

Have you ever ridden a skateboard? Yeppers, I have. It was about thirty-five years ago, but I did it.

Do you drink enough water on a daily basis? As if by water, you mean soft drinks and orange juice and kool-aid, then I most certainly do. But if by water, you mean actual water, probably not.

Would you burn the American flag for a million dollars? Hard question - I love my country and am proud to be an American, but when I think about all the things I could do with a million bucks, the people I could help, etc - it'd be easy to justify almost anything, including burning a flag. I really can't say one way or the other.

The main thing you cant leave your house without? My debit card and my keys...

Do you think the economy is improving yet? Nope - if anything, it's getting worse and worse. And until we get a leader that actually has a clue to what he's doing in the White House AND a Congress interested in getting something done rather than keep playing their political games, it's not going to get better. It's just going to continue to get worse and worse.

When was the last time you read a book? A few hours ago. I'm stuck here at the house and doing whatever I can to stay busy and active. I'm going through a book every couple of days easily.

Where did you get that shirt you're wearing? From GreatHipHop.com - one of the official websites of one of the most talented and entertaining guys I've ever known (and he's sexy as hell too and a really nice guy also) named Andy Singer aka Soce the Elemental Wizard. I love his music, his videos and my Soce t-shirts!

Do you play pranks on April Fools Day? Nah - not really. I'm not really big on the ribs.

School Days: Ultimate Trust

A/N - This story is a part of my "Avenging Shadows" universe which combines the worlds of Marvel Comics and Dark Shadows. Other stories from this realm of my imagination include "Avenging Shadows", "School Days: Rise Of The Master" and "School Days: Rise Of The Wolfpack". They're all here on this site. Check them out. And thanks for reading. Thoughts and comments are welcome.

School Days: Ultimate Trust

Collinsport, Maine

Barnabas Collins sat in his library at Collinwood, in what was commonly referred to as the "Old House". He was looking over old pictures from several hundred years ago when he heard a knock at the door.

"Willie?", Barnabas called out, but then he remembered that Willie was not home. He had taken a trip to New York to visit some family. Quentin and Mantis were staying at the school, The Stoddard Institute, so Barnabas was alone.

Barnabas pulled himself up from his chair and walked to the massive front door as the loud knocks echoed through the house once more. Opening the door, Barnabas saw an older man, with white hair and a strength and aura about him that defied his apparent years.

"Yes, may I help you?", Barnabas asked.

"We shall see, Mr. Collins", the man replied. "My name is Erik Lahnsherr, but most people know me by my alter-ego."

"Magneto", Barnabas said.

"Indeed", Magneto replied. "May I come in?".

"Please do", Barnabas said. "May I take your jacket?"

"No, I'm fine", Magneto smiled.

Barnabas led Magneto into the library and offered him a seat.

"This is a beautiful house", Magneto said. "Is this your family home?"

"Yes", Barnabas replied. "Close to three hundred years old."

"It has a strong history and personality about it", Magneto commented. "Perhaps one day, you can tell me about it."

"Perhaps", Barnabas said. "Would you like a drink?"

"No", Magneto said. "I expect that you'd like to know why I'm here?"

"I was wondering about that", Barnabas said.

"Well, since you know who I am, I assume that you're aware of my history", Magneto remarked.

"Level 5 mutant. To some, the savior of mutantkind and to others, the most dangerous and evil man in history", Barnabas said. "I've read some of the files on you while I was briefly affiliated with the Avengers. And Professor Xaiver has also spoken of you."

"Charles mentioned me?", Magneto smiled. "I'm surprised!"

"You shouldn't be", Barnabas said. "For are you not the ying to his yang, the Cain to his Abel?"

Magneto chuckled at the comparison.

"If you know of me, you may be able to guess why I'm here", he said.

"Since I'm not a mutant, I can only assume that it's about the school", Barnabas replied.

"You're correct. I was surprised that Charles turned over several of his students to the care of a three hundred year old vampire."

"Why would it surprise you. Mr. Lahnsherr? After all, hasn't he allowed both yourself and the infamous White Queen to also look after and protect those holds dear?", Barnabas rebutted.

"Touche'", Magneto smiled.

"So what is it exactly that concerns you?", Barnabas asked. "Are you here to check up on me and make sure I'm looking after the best interests of the children?"

"I've already done that", Magneto smiled once more. "I've had the school under observation for some time. I've also checked into your history, as well as that of your cousin, Quentin."

"I see", Barnabas said. "And are we up to your standards?"

"While I have my doubts about what kind of teachers... and role models for that matter, a vampire and his werewolf cousin can be to impressionable youth, I am impressed with what I have observed thus far. I believe that both you and your cousin are sincere in your desires to help these children."

Magneto turned and looked directly at Barnabas.

"And I also agree with Charles' decision to move the students from the mansion in Weschester and out of the firing range. Collinsport is a lovely town and an excellent place for a private school."

"I'm glad you approve", Barnabas said. "But that does not explain why you are here?"

"This is a dangerous and often unpredictiable world we live in", Magneto said. "And the path that I walk often places me at odds with those who I would prefer to have as allies."

"Meaning the X-Men?", Barnabas asked.

"Among others", Magneto replied. "In my history, I have been villian, hero, terrorist, savior, ruler and reborn. I have succeeded beyond my wildest expectations and suffered crushing defeats that nearly destroyed me on more than one occasion. But despite it all, I survive and adapt."

"Which still doesn't explain why you're here", Barnabas replied.

"Though my goal has always been, first and foremost, to help my people and to save mutantkind from prejudice, my actions have hurt my people more than helped. Indeed, I am probably the biggest obstacle between a lasting peace between mutants and humans", Magneto continued. "I have looked into the mirror and realized that I don't much care for the person I see."

Magneto turned once more and looked directly at Barnabas Collins.

"I have decided that I should remove myself from the madness that is this world for a time. I've prepared a place to occupy during my self-imposed exile", Magneto said.

"I understand this", Barnabas replied. "Quite often, time alone for reflection can do wonders for the soul and spirit. But again, what has that to do with me and the school?"

"Isn't it obvious?", Magneto asked. "There are many who come to me for guidance and leadership. While most are adults and quite competent to find their own way during my absence, there are two that are very... special youngsters. I don't wish to leave them alone and unsupervised and would like to have you care for them, at your school, during my time away."

"Why us and not Professor Xaiver or the White Queen?", Barnabas asked.

"I don't particularly like or trust Emma Frost", Magneto replied. "As for Charles, he has his hands full as it is with the students still enrolled at Weschester, as well as with his X-Men. WIth you and your school, the youngsters would get the benefit of Charles' influence and teachings, but would not be thrown into the middle of the craziness that is associated with all things X-Man related."

"These youngsters are mutants, I assume", Barnabas said.

"Aliens actually, but from an alternate reality, near as I can discern", Magneto smiled. "And very intelligent as well."

"I can not turn down children", Barnabas said.

"I would hope not", Magneto said. "But I think you should talk to your cousin, as well as Charles, before giving a definite answer of yes or no."

"Neither Xaiver or Quentin would turn a child away", Barnabas said.

"Still, it would probably be better if Charles and Quentin were informed and had a say in the decision", Magneto said.

Reaching into his overcoat, Magneto pulled out two brown envelopes and laid them on the coffee table.

"Here is all of the pertinent information on the children", Magneto said. "Look over it and speak with Charles and your cousin, Quentin."

"I shall do so immediately", Barnabas replied. "When would you like an answer?"

"As soon as possible", Magneto replied.

"Would tomorrow night at dusk be sufficent?", Barnabas asked.

"I shall contact you then", Magneto said. "And now, I must go."

Magneto stood up and shook the hand of the grim faced vampire. As they stood closely, Magneto whispered to Barnabas.

"I am placing a great deal of trust in you, Mr. Collins. Do not fail me."

"I shall do what I believe is best for the children", Barnabas replied.

"Then we shall not have any problems at all, I believe", Magneto said. "Tomorrow night at dusk then."

Magneto turned and walked to the front door, using his powers to pull it open. He stepped out into the cold night air and once again, using his powers of magnetism, took off into the dark night sky.

Barnabas watched Magneto fly away and then, after closing the door, walked back into the library. He picked up the envelopes that Magneto has left and quickly looked over the contents. And then, with an audible sigh, went to the phone and dialed.

"Hello Quentin, this is Barnabas. We need to talk."

**

The next night, at dusk, Barnabas was once more at Collinwood. He had spoken throughout most of the night with not only his cousin, Quentin Collins, but Professor Charles Xaiver as well. They had agreed that it was important to put the children first and Barnabas was prepared to accept the children into the school. Now, he was waiting for the arrival of the "Master of Magnetism", Magneto.

Not long after the sun had set, Barnabas was waiting in the library of the elegant old house. Waiting with him was his associate, Dr. Julia Hoffman. There was a knock at the door. Barnabas went and opened the door, and standing there, much as the night before, was Erik Lahnsherr, aka Magneto, who was accompanied by two teenagers, one male and the other female, both roughly about sixteen years old.

"Please, come in", Barnabas said to the trio as they entered the house and followed him to the living room.

"These two young people", Magneto said once they sat down and got comfortable, "are Zan and Jayna. They are the youngsters I spoke of to you earlier."

"And this", Barnabas said, introducing Julia, "is Dr. Julia Hoffman, my... associate and colleague at the school."

"It's a pleasure, my dear", Magneto said as he rose to acknowledge the handsome woman.

"Likewise", Julia said as she greeted the older man and his two followers.

"I've read some of your papers", Magneto mentioned to Julia. "I was very impressed."

"Thank you", Julia said.

"There will time for pleasantries later", Barnabas said. "Shall we get down to business?"

"But of course", Magneto smiled.

Magneto turned to the two youngsters.

'This gentleman is Barnabas Collins. He, along with his cousin Quentin, and Dr. Hoffman of course, run a very special school for gifted youngsters", Magneto explained.

"Yes", the girl, Jayna, said. "You told us about both Mr. Collins and his school earlier."

"Even though I still don't see why you want us to go there. We can take care of ourselves", the boy, Zan, added.

"I explained why", Magneto said to the two teenagers. "I will not be available and this is what I feel is best to ensure your protection."

"We don't need protection", Zan replied.

"Really?", Magneto said.

As Magneto quietly argued with the two teenagers, Barnabas and Julia watched in silence. Julia turned to Barnabas.

"They're obviously alien", Julia whispered. "And it's obvious that Magneto cares strongly about these two."

"I agree", Barnabas whispered back. "Based on his reputation, I'm surprised that Magneto is even allowing them to argue."

"Shall we intercede?", Julia asked.

"Perhaps", Barnabas said.

Barnabas stepped forward towards where Magneto and the two youth were going back and forth, arguing the logic of Magneto's desire for Zan and Jayna to be admitted to The Stoddard Institute as students. The three continued to bicker and Barnabas finally decided to put a stop to it.

"Enough", he said, quietly, but firmly.

Zan, Jayna and even Magneto stopped their arguing and turned to look at the scowling vampire.

"It appears that there is some disagreement as to whether or not these two young people, Zan and Jayna, wish to be a part of our school", Barnabas said.

"There is no disagreement", Magneto replied. "Just the rebelliousness of youth."

"Call it what you will, but I still sense a bit of discord. May I speak to Zan and Jayna... alone?", Barnabas asked.

Magneto raised an eyebrow at this, but nodded in agreement.

"Mr. Lahnsherr", Julia said, stepping up. "Would you like a tour of the house? It's really quite fascinating and has quite a history."

"I'd be honored, Dr. Hoffman", Magneto replied. "But please, call me Erik."

"Only if you call me Julia", Julia said in response.

"Well then Julia, show me the magic and splendor that is Collinwood, while Mr. Collins has a chance to speak with Zan and Jayna", Magneto said with a handsome smile.

Julia and Magneto left the room to tour the house. Barnabas, Jayna and Zan watched as they left. Barnabas turned to speak to the two youngsters.

"So I take it that you do not agree with Mr. Lahnsherr's ideas to enroll the two of you in our school", Barnabas asked.

"No disrespect to you, Mr. Collins", Jayna said, "but Zan and I are nearly adults. We don't need to be protected or sheltered."

"And while Erik may have our best intentions at heart, we're not sure that hiding away at a private school is our best option", Zan added.

"May I ask how you came to be under the guidance of Mr. Lahnsherr?", Barnabas asked.

Zan looked at Jayna and the two exchanged a look as if trying to decide whether to answer Barnabas' question.

"I'm not out to betray any confidences or trusts", Barnabas said. "But I am curious since Erik told me that you are both from, how did he put it, an alternate reality.. and aliens as well. I find that extremely fascinating."

After another moment of hesitation, Jayna decided to answer the questions that Barnabas had asked.

"We're originally from the planet of Exxor, which is roughly forty-million light years from Earth. We were seperated from our parents as babies and forced into slave labor by the Monarchy who control our planet", Jayna explained.

"It was a hard life and it was all we could do to survive", Zan added. "But eventually, when our powers developed, we managed to escape to freedom."

"Pardon my interuption", Barnabas said. "But your powers? Did they develop at puberty as happens with mutants or are they common on your world. And what exactly are your powers? Eric identified the two of you as shape-changers in your files, but he didn't get into specifics."

"Our powers?", Zan said. "I can change into water."

"And I can change into the form of any animal", Jayna replied. "We've had our powers since we were very young, definitely before puberty."

"But we weren't born with active powers", Zan said. "They developed probably when we were eight or nine."

"When we were eight", Jayna clarified. "It's possible that we had them at birth, but some outside stimuli activated them."

"How did you end up on Earth?, Barnabas asked. "And what's this alternate reality that Eric spoke of?"

"After we escaped from slave labor, we knew that we had to get away from Exxor and stowed away on a trade vessel that was headed into space", Jayna said.

"We didn't know where exactly it was headed, but anything was better than being captured and placed back in slavery", Zan said.

"We didn't make it far before being discovered", Jayna admitted. "And there was quite a struggle. We used our powers to fight off the ship's crew and managed to escape from them in a smaller ship... an escape pod."

"We were in trouble, drifting in space with no radios and no one knew we were there. We survived several weeks like that by using our powers to get water to drink and food."

"Zan would turn into water and I used my shape-changing powers to turn into an Exorrian chicken, which allowed me to lay eggs which gave us food to eat", Jayna explained.

"Finally, we managed to crash land the shuttle on a small unnamed planet in the Calhaney galaxy. We thought we were doomed, but managed to survive and, using the wreckage from the crashed shuttle to send up a signal flare."

"We lucked up because the flare was noticed by a member of the Green Latern Corps, who sent Hal Jordon, the Green Lantern from Earth to investigate", Zan said.

"Green Lantern rescued us and upon hearing our story, decided to take us with him to Earth, where we became the wards of a group of super-heroes, an off-shoot of the Justice League of America, called the Super Friends", Jayna said.

"The Justice League? The Super Friends? Green Lantern?", Barnabas asked. "I've never heard of any of these names."

"That's where the alternate reality stuff comes in", Jayna said.

"The Justice League.. and especially the Super Friends were and are great heroes on our Earth, much like your Avengers or X-Men are here", Zan explained.

"So you became wards of these heroes", Barnabas noted. "How did you end up here, with Erik?"

"Well, we were on a mission with the Super Friends against a major big bad named Darkseid", Jayna said. "He was out to either take over or destroy the earth. I don't think he really cared too much which way it went."

"While the Justice League fought him and his armies on their home planet of Apokolips, we became aware of a mega-bomb that had been implanted in the center of the earth. A group of us, led by the magician Zantana, went to deactivate the bomb", Zan explained.

"They, meaning the other heroes, didn't want us along because of our age, but we insisted that we be allowed to come along", Jayna said, noting the expression on Barnabas' face.

"Anyhow", Zan continued. "We found the bomb, but despite all the combined powers of everyone there, we were unable to deactivate it. It was finally decided that Zantana would open an interdimensional warp and send the bomb to an uninhabited realm in the realms of space and time."

"That's how she explained it. We thought it was confusing too", Jayna smiled.

"We were waiting for Zantana to zap the bomb when we were attacked by a platoon of Darkseid's parademons. We should have realized that Darkseid wouldn't have left the bomb unprotected."

"We fought then back, but they did their job well and one of them managed to clip Zantana. She had opened the warp, but wasn't able to propel the bomb through the warp. And time was ticking away. We only had seconds to spare", Jayna said.

"Jayna and I were the closest to the bomb and managed to break away and used our powers to slam the bomb into the warp before it detonated", Zan said.

"We managed to get the bomb into the warp and it vanished as Zantana used her magic to close the warp, just in time to protect everyone from the blast", Jayna finished.

"But that doesn't explain how you ended up here? Or with Magneto?", Barnabas said.

"Blame an overzealous parademon", Jayna said. "We managed to get the bomb into the warp and Zantana was using her magic to close the warp. But one of the parademon's decided to jump into the warp in a last ditch effort to... I don't know what he was trying to do."

"As he jumped into the warp, he managed to snag Jayna and grab her into the warp with him. I grabbed Jayna, trying to stop them, and ended up being pulled into the warp myself", Zan said. "It was apparently too late for Zantana to stop the spell and the warp closed behind us."

"So we're in the other realm with a crazy parademon and the bomb. We managed to break away from the parademon, but were caught by the force of the explosion as the bomb went off", Jayna said. "I thought we were dead!"

"We should have been", Zan said. "But the explosion didn't kill us. Instead, it propelled us through time and space and the next thing we knew, we were waking up."

"We were being treated for our injuries in a facility that was under Erik's direction", Jayna said. "And we've been with him ever since."

"Amazing", Barnabas replied after listening to their story.

"It is", a voice came from behind them as Magneto and Dr. Hoffman walked back into the room. Magneto walked over and stood next to Zan and Jayna.

"These two have been through so much", he smiled at the two youth. "But perhaps I should tell the story from here."

After looking to Zan and Jayna for affirmation, Magneto began to speak once more.

"You're wondering what happened to the Twins and how they ended up under my care?', he asked Barnabas. "One of the mutants under my supervision, one of my Acolytes, is a low-level telepath by the name of Pathfinder. She also has visions, which regretably leave her weak and incapacitated for days. One afternoon, she came to me and informed me of a vision she had. Two persons, from a world far beyond our own who were trapped in a pocket dimension and needed help. She managed to give me a location and I immediately dispatched some of my Acolytes there to investigate. Through some inventive use of their mutant abilities, my Acolytes managed to not only locate, but also rescue Zan and Jayna from their situation. They were comatose and in dire need of medical treatment. They were brought back to our headquarters and provided treatment and care and eventually managed to regain conciousness."

"And Erik was there when we woke up", Jayna said. "He helped us recover and provided for us, allowing us to finally have some sense of security in our lives."

"And he's also been helping us try to find a way back to our home dimension. Back to the Super Friends and the Justice League", Zan added.

"But unfortunately, to no avail", Magneto noted. "Though I am aware of many alternate dimensions and realities, my efforts to help Zan and Jayna return to their home on this alternate earth, have been for naught."

"Hmmm!", Barnabas said. "This is all so fascinating. Have you spoken to Dr. Strange... or Reed Richards about this? Maybe one of them could help?"

"My... relationships with both Dr. Richards and Dr. Strange are... strained at best", Magneto smiled. "But that is a possible solution."

"Who are these people you're speaking of?", Zan asked. "I've heard of Reed Richards. He's the leader of the Fantastic Four. But Dr. Strange?"

"Dr. Strange is Earth's Sorcerer Supreme", Barnabas explained. "One of the most powerful mages in existence."

"And you know these people?", Jayna asked Barnabas.

"Not well", Barnabas said, "but we have met."

"And Barnabas, given his association with the Avengers' team, would have a far easier time than I would in gaining their aid", Magneto said. "I'm afraid that they still view me as a threat."

"A legitimate view and fear", Dr. Hoffman noted, "based on your actions and deeds in the past."

"Those days are long past", Magneto replied, "but they will forever haunt me."

"Is that why you want us to stay here with Mr. Collins and attend his school", Jayna asked Magneto. "Because he may be more able to help us return home."

"That's part of it", Magneto admitted.

"What the other part of it?", Zan asked.

"As I explained to Mr. Collins, I intend to go on a sabbatical of sorts, and I want the two of you to be safe. To be protected", Magneto said.

"Somehow, I suspect that there might be more to it than that", Jayna remarked. "There is something you're not telling us."

"I have told you what I can", Magneto said. "And that should be sufficent."

"Don't get us wrong", Jayna said. "We're extremely thankful for everything you've done for us, but we're not your Acolytes. We're not mindless drones. If there's more, we deserve to know."

Magneto glared at Jayna for a moment and then his face softened.

"You're right", he said quietly. "There is more to it and you do deserve to know, but... you need to trust me!"

"That's just it", Zan said. "We do trust you. But you need to trust us too!"

"I'm doing what I can to keep the two of you safe! Isn't that enough?", Magneto replied.

"I hate to interrupt", Barnabas said, "but there is someone prowling around outside. I suggest we table this conversation until we find out who and why!"

"How do you know?", Magneto asked quickly.

"Vampire senses", Barnabas replied. "Plus we've got electronic scanners all over the grounds which register unknown person or persons."

"Sensors?", Magneto asked. "I didn't detect any sensors on the grounds last night?"

"I had them installed this morning", Barnabas smiled. "I don't much care for surprises."

"Do your sensors tell you who or how many?", Zan asked.

Dr. Hoffman had gone over to an old rolltop desk and opened it, revealing an electronic control panel.

"Not sure who? It's still reading as unidentified, but there are three of them, whoever it is. And they're approaching the house, on foor. Roughly one hundred yards away and coming in fast", Julia informed the room as she read the scanners.

"So, Mr. Collins", Magneto said. "This is your home. What do you suggest?"

"I think I should go out and greet our guests. Meanwhile, you and the Twins should hold back and stay out of sight", Barnabas replied. "At least until we find out who it is and what they want."

"I don't like it", Magneto replied. "But very well. Go greet these intruders. Zan, Jayna and I shall remain here."

"I don't like it either", Julia replied. "Maybe I should be the one..."

"No", Barnabas said quickly. "Stay with our guests. I shall go greet our intruders and determine why they're here."

As Julia, Magneto, Zan and Jayna watched, Barnabas walked to the front door and quickly opened it, moving outside.

"Can we moniter what is transpiring outside", Magneto asked Julia.

"Right here, on this moniter", Julia said as she hit a button. A mirror on the wall quickly changed into a moniter and revealed the scene happening outside the great old house.

**

As Barnabas stepped outside the doors of the old house, he could see three persons standing there. One was a woman with blue skin and red hair. She was accompanied by two men. One was a blond haired man wearing a red and gold costume with metal tanks on the his back. The other man was just simply very, very huge. Barnabas recognized the three as Mystique, Pyro and The Blob, members of the terrrorist group, The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

"May I help you?", Barnabas said as he addressed the three figures.

"Look, it's Count Dracula", the Blob snickered.

"Shut up Blob", Mystique said. "It's really simple, Mr. Collins. Magneto brought two young mutants here and we want them. Now hand them over and there won't be any problems. Resist at your own peril."

"At my peril?", Barnabas smiled grimly. "I think not. I am asking that you leave my property."

"Maybe you don't understand", Mystique said. "Magneto left two mutants in your care. We want them. End of story!"

"The two youngsters that you're speaking of are not mutants", Barnabas said truthfully, for they were aliens and not actual mutants.

"So that means that you're not going to cooperate?", Pyro sneered.

"It means that I am asking you to leave my property", Barnabas said.

"I guess we're doing this the hard way", Mystique said. "Pyro..."

With that, Pyro smiled as a giant fireball appeared in the air and went flying directly towards the old house, only to be stopped by a glowing energy field. Magneto had tired of watching the scene outside unfold and made an appearance.

"Magneto", Mystique said. "We thought you had left!"

"It's seems that you were mistaken", Magneto said as he used his magnetic abilities to grab Pyro by the metal tanks on his back and hurl him unceremoniously into the air.

As Magneto dealt with Pyro, Barnabas moved quickly transforming into his bat form and went circling around Mystique, looking for an opening to subdue the shape-changer. Mystique used her morphing abilities to transform into an image of Barnabas Collins himself. Barnabas changed into his human form and the two identical forms locked up in a struggle of punches and kicks. The Blob, noting that Magneto and Barnabas were both occupied, moved with a speed that was amazing considering his large size and headed towards the old house, determined to find the two young mutants that Mystique wanted them to capture, only to be met by two teenagers who exited from the front door of the large old house.

"There you are kiddies", Blob sneered. "Come to Uncle Freddie!"

Zan and Jayna looked at each other and touched hands.

"Wonder Twin powers activate", they said.

"Shape of a wave", Zan said.

"Form of a giant octopus", Jayna remarked.

And quickly, the Blob found himself on th defensive as the giant wave that was Zan swept under his feet and actually managed to disorient the Blob for a few seconds, long enough to give Jayna a chance to use her giant octopus form to wrap around the Blob, effectively rendering him immobile.

Seeing her people at a disadventage, Mystique clipped Barnabas with a clubbing blow to the head and backed away, changing her shape once more to her natural, blue skinned form. Removing a skull shaped object from her belt, Mystique tossed it towards where Zan & Jayna were struggling to hold The Blob. A bight flash of light exploded, leaving both Jayna and Zan momentarily stunned The Blob used this and powered his way free of their grasp and cut loose, tossing Jayna's octopus form across the dark yard. Then he turned to Zan and slammed his hands hard into Zan's watery form, stunning him and causing him to revert to normal shape.

"Bwah-ha-ha-ha!", the Blob laughed. "Don't you stupid kids know that no one can mess with The Blob!"

Meanwhile, Barnabas had recovered from his blow and had changed into his bat form, sweeping down and keeping Mystique occupied. As Magneto, satisfied that Pyro was temporarily out of the picture, attemped to use his magnetic abilities to encase The Blob in a force field and contain him.

Pyro, laying semi-concious in the yard after being pummelled by Magneto, was struggling to maintain conciousness. He could feel the blackness attempting to overwhelm him, but Pyro struggled to stay awake. He glanced towards the old house and let out a sneer as he used his powers to summon a huge fireball and once more, propelled it towards the old house known as Collinwood. Pyro smiled as the big ball of fire exploded towards the house and then blacked out from the exertion.

"Nooooo! Julia!", Barnabas screamed as the huge fire ball engulfed the front of the house.

Zan and Jayna acted quickly, touching hands and once more activating their "Wonder Twin" powers.

"Shape of water", Zan said as he transforned into a big water spout and flew towards the house, attempting to put out the flames.

Meanwhile, Jayna said, "Shape of a Centaur" and transformed her shape transformed into a half human / half horse form. With great speed and no hesitation, Jayna lept through the front door of the burning house and through the flames.

Magneto cut loose in anger and used his magnetic abilities to grab The Blob and slam him hard across the yard, making him land on top of Pyro. Both men were unconcious. Mystique glanced around at the situation that had quickly spun out of her control and decided that discretion would be the better part of valor. Her mission to subdue the two youths was a bust. She decided that it would be best to vanish. As she started to attempt to flee, she turned and Barnabas was standing there, angry and eyes glowing red. Mystique started to back away.

"Don't you think you'd better go save your friends and your house", she sneered at the advancing vampire.

"I think that matter is well in hand", Barnabas said angrily. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jayna exit the burning house with Dr. Hoffman hanging on to her as she lept through a now open window. Seeing that Julia and Jayna were clear of the house, Magneto yelled at Zan to back away and used his magnetic abilities to engulf the entire mansion in a magnetic bubble of energy, cutting off all the air and oxygen from the burning home.

Mystique, noting that Barnabas was distracted, quickly attempted to sprint away, but Barnabas moved far too quickly and grabbed her.

"Usually, I would refrain from hitting a female, but you have severely tried my patience", Barnabas said as he unleashed just a fraction of his vampiric strength and smacked Mystique, knocking her against an old tree, where she slumped to the ground, in pain and nearly unconcious. Mystique attempted to reach for a small device attached to her belt, but Barnabas grabbed her arm.

"You're not getting away", he said as he grabbed the device she had been reaching for and tossed it aside. Realizing she was beaten, Mystique gave in and allowed herself to pass out.

Barnabas turned towards the old house, the home of his birth, known as Collinwood. Zan's quick actions by changing into a water-spout, along with Magneto's energy bubble had managed to subdue the flames before they got too far out of control. But Barnabas knew that there was extensive damage to the old house. Pushing those thoughts aside, Barnabas quickly moved over to where Zan, Jayna and Dr. Hoffman were standing.

"Are you all right, Julia", Barnabas asked Dr. Hoffman as he embraced his long time friend and lover.

"I'm fine", Julia replied. "But the house..."

"It's only a house", Barnabas replied.

"I've managed to contain the damage", Magento replied. "Fortunately, Pyro wasn't at full power when he unleashed that fireball or else there wouldn't be a house left standing. Is everyone uninjured?"

"I'm fine", Jayna replied. "What about you, Zan?"

"I'm good", her brother replied. "But what are we going to do with those three?"

"Since I doubt that Barnabas would allow me to deliver the justice they deserve", Magneto replied, glancing at Barnabas who shook his head slightly, "I would suggest that, once I have departed of course, SHIELD is called and the so-called Brotherhood is taken into custody."

"What did they want anyhow?", Julia asked.

"Isn't it obvious", Magneto replied. "They wanted Zan and Jayna."

"But how did they know about us and that we'd be here?", Jayna asked.

"I had heard rumors that Mystique was looking for new mutants to recruit into her brotherhood", Magneto replied. "And I've long suspected that there was a mole in my group of Acolytes."

"That's why you've always tried to keep us away from most of the Acolytes?", Zan asked.

"To protect you from that mole, yes", Magento said. "And also because I didn't want you to be influenced by some of the more... unsavory persons in that group. The two of you are worth so much more and have such potential, I didn't want to see it corrupted."

"That also explains why you're asking them to come to our school instead of remaining unde your care, isn't it?", Barnabas injected.

"I am not an angel", Magento replied. "And as much as I hate to admit it, there is some truth to what the world thinks of me. Though my intentions have always been for the most noble of reasons, to protect mutantkind, my very presence often seems to be a catalyst for corruption and pain."

"So again, I have to ask, what about them? They know that you're trying to put us with Mr. Collins at his school. Won't they just try again and come back after us again once you're not around, Erik?", Jayna noted.

"It's highly likely", Magneto said grimly. "SHIELD or any human authorities would never be able to hold Mystique for long and you would always be in danger, as would Barnabas and the students already at his school. So what should we do with them? Any suggestions?"

"I have an idea", Barnabas replied. "If Julia is willing, of course."

"I believe I know what you're speaking of", Julia said. "And it may work."

"What are you suggesting?", Magneto asked.

"Hypnotism", Barnabas answered. "Julia can use it to block out Mystique and her allies memories of Zan and Jayna and their existence."

"While I have no doubt of Dr. Hoffman's abilities", Magneto replied. "Wouldn't using a telepath work better. Maybe Charles?"

"Xaiver wouldn't do it", Barnabas noted. "But maybe Jean Grey or Emma Frost?"

"I trust Jean Grey, but she wouldn't alter anyone's memories without consulting Charles", Magneto said. "And you're already aware of my feelings about Emma Frost."

"So what are we going to do?", Jayna asked.

"I think I have an idea", Julia replied, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.

"Who are you calling?", Barnabas asked.

"The school", Julia answered. "Hello Dolly, this is Julia. Is Agatha around? She is? Ca n I speak to her please."

Julia walked off to speak on the phone while Magneto turned to Barnabas with a slightly amused look.

"Agatha Harkness?", he smiled.

"Of course", Barnabas responded.

"Who?", Zan asked.

"She's a true witch. Very powerful", Magento replied.

"She's also a teacher at our school", Barnabas said.

"Cool!", Jayna said.

Julia walked back to the group.

"I just spoke to Agatha. She said that she'll be here shortly and can magically reenforce my hyptonism to remove any knowledge of Zan and Jayna from Mystique and her cronies memories", Julia smiled.

"But what about the mole in your group, Erik?", Jayna asked.

"Perhaps Miss Harkness can remove their memories of Zan and Jayna as well", Magneto replied.

"I also told her about the fire damage to Collinwood. She thinks she may be able to help there as well", Julia said.

"That would be... wonderful", Barnabas smiled.

"So it looks as if everything is coming together", Magneto said. "But we still have one other matter to finalize."

He turned to Zan and Jayna.

"I have tried to protect you since you arrived on our world", he said. "And I shall continue to do so. I shall also continue in my quests to find a way to allow the two of you to return to your home. But for the time being, I feel that it would be best for the two of you to go with Mr. Collins and Dr. Hoffman. Be students at their school and be around people of your own age and generation. Will you do that?"

"We're not crazy about it", Zan admitted. "But it makes sense and is probably a good idea."

"And it would be nice to be around people our own age... and have a semblence of a normal life", Jayna admitted.

"If you so choose", Barnabas said. "We would love to have you as students at the Institute. It won't be as exciting as being with Erik, but I'm sure that you'd both fit in quite well."

"And we could use our resources to help you find a way home", Julia added.

"But we will do that, regardless of if you choose to stay with us or not", Barnabas chimed in.

"So what do you think?", Magneto asked.

Jayna looked over at Zan, who nodded his head.

"I think you've got two new students, Mr. Collins", Jayna said.

"Excellent", Barnabas smiled.

***

Epilogue: Several months later...

Barnabas sat in the library of his home, Collinwood. Agatha Harkness had managed to use her magick to restore the old house to it's original state just before it had been burned and also was able to erase the memories of Mystique, Pyro and The Blob so that they had no recollection at all of The Wonder Twins, Zan & Jayna. Barnabas then summoned SHIELD who took the evil mutants into custody. And then Agatha did even more and used her magic to erase Zan & Jayna from the memories of everyone they'd ever encounted save Magneto, Barnabas, Dr. Hoffman and herself, thus ensuring their safety. Zan & Jayna had joined the school, The Stoddard Institute and were model students in their studies, as well as part of the student team, The Wolfpack.

Barnabas took a sip of tea as he thought over the past events. His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. He listened and heard Willie answering the door. Barnabas listened and recognized the voice speaking to Willie.

"Magneto", he smiled.

Seconds later,Willie led Magneto into the library. Barnabas stood up to greet his guest.

"Erik", he said. "It's good to see you again."

"Thank you, Barnabas", Magneto said. "And how are our prize students?"

"Doing very well", Barnabas replied. "They've adapted and fit in quite well with the other students."

"That's good", Magneto remarked. "I was concerned about that."

"There were a few issues at first, but Julia... Dr. Hoffman has been working with Zan and Jayna and helping them."

"She's an amazing woman", Magneto admitted.

"You don't have to tell me that", Barnabas admitted with a small smile. "She's been invaluable to me and to the school."

"The house looks lovely. It's nearly impossible to tell that there was ever a fire", Magneto said.

"Well, technically, according to Agatha, the fire happened, but it didn't. She used a time-temporal spell and reverted the house to the state it was in 24 hours prior to the fire. So it's the same house, but the fire caused by Pyro technically happened, but the house doesn't remember it."

"How does that work exactly?", Magneto asked.

"You'll have to ask her", Barnabas laughed. "She explained it to me, but it only served to confuse me more."

"I've had the same problem talking to my daughter, the Scarlet Witch", Magneto laughed. "Magick is something that totally confounds me."

"I'm no stranger to magick", Barnabas said. "But the levels that Agatha acts upon is far beyond my limited experience."

"We're probably better off not knowing", Magneto smiled. "Now, let's get to business, shall we?"

"If you wish", Barnabas answered.

"You sent word that you wished to speak to me", Magneto said. "Mind telling me why?"

"I received notice a few days ago that Mystique, Pyro and The Blob all escaped from The Vault", Barnabas said.

"Disturbing, but not surprising", Magneto replied. "Did you hear how?"

"A six armed woman allegedly teleported in and zapped the three of them away", Barnabas answered.

"That would be Spiral", Magneto commented. "She's worked with Mystique in the past, but I was under the impression that she was gone."

"You don't seem surprised", Barnabas noted.

"Mystique is quite dangerous and quite intelligent", Magneto replied. "And extremely capable. I'm surprised that they managed to keep her in custody this long. Have you taken extra security precautions at the school?"

"We've increased security and taken several extra steps to ensure the safety of Zan, Jayna and all of the students", Barnabas answered.

"Excellent", Magneto remarked. "And Agatha ensures me that her spells are still intact and Mystique and her disciples have no memory of Zan or Jayna."

"Neither do my Acolytes", Magneto smiled. "Nor anyone else it seems."

"As we intended", Barnabas said.

"But Spiral is quite a powerful sorceress in her own right, so it's better to be careful and take precautions just in case", Magneto commented. "Is that all?"

"No. There was something else", Barnabas answered. "After meeting you, I decided to do some research into your past."

"I expected that you would", Magneto smiled. "Any surprises?"

"Not really", Barnabas replied. "But it did stir up a memory."

"How so?", Magneto asked.

Barnabas reached into a drawer of a table next to his chair and pulled out a small book, handing it over to Magneto.

"That's the journal of Christopher Erick Collins", he said. "He's a distant cousin of mine who died shortly after World War II from injuries suffered in Germany."

"That name sounds familiar", Magneto commented.

"It should", Barnabas replied. "Because there is quite a bit about Christopher's time in a hospital, where two of the people who helped him in his recovery were named Charles Xaiver and a man known only as Magnus."

"Of course!", Magneto replied. "His nickname was Cal Dean. He was extremely intelligent and quite amusing. We spent many evenings playing chess against each other and talking about his home in Maine. I never put two and two together, but he was talking about Collinsport... and Collinwood. I left before he was discharged from the hospital. You say he died from his injuries?"

"Serious infection", Barnabas answered. "The diary was part of his personal effects which were sent here. I discovered it in the attic during one of my first visits here in the early seventies."

"And he speaks of me and Charles?", Magneto asked.

"And a woman named Gabby?", Barnabas said.

"Gabrielle Haller", Magneto clarified. "Currently the United Nations Ambassador to Israel and Charles first true love."

"It's quite a fascinating read", Barnabas said. "And I felt that you might be interested in seeing it."

"You assumed correctly", Magneto smiled. "Most of those days are but a blur in my memories. But those days with Charles and Gabby were among the best in my life."

"Then take the diary as my gift", Barnabas said.

"I can't do that", Magneto said. "It's part of your family's history. I shall return it once I've read it."

"As you wish", Barnabas said.

"And now, I'll take my leave", Magneto replied. "The hour is late and I'm sure we both have other things to be doing."

"I believe that I do have papers to look over and reports to do", Barnabas chuckled.

"And I have some world domination to plot and plan", Magneto smiled as well.

"Thank you... Erik, for having faith in me and our school... for giving Zan and Jayna a chance to learn and grow", Barnabas said.

"No", Magneto said. "I'm only interested in helping mutants. They're not mutants and of no use to me. Haven't you listened to the hype?"

"I only know what I see", Barnabas said. "And despite your reputation, deserved or not, you've proven to me to be a honorable man."

"I hope that it remains that way", Magneto said.

"Let us hope", Barnabas agreed.

"And with that, I bid you adieu", Magneto said, shaking the vampires hand. "I thank you for this diary. I shall return it as soon as possible. And of course, I shall continue to check on the progress of Zan and Jayna."

"But of course. Be safe, Erik and be careful", Barnabas said.

"And you as well", Magneto replied as he stepped out of the old house. "Until the next time!"

And with that, Magneto raised his arms and flew up into the air, quickly vanishing from sight. Barnabas watched and then walked back into the house.

"Was that Magneto, Barnabas?", Willie asked as Barnabas walked into the kitchen.

"Yes, that was him", Barnabas answered.

"Isn't he supposed to be evil? A super villian?", Willie asked.

"Perhaps by some's standards", Barnabas replied, "but you know better than most that there is more to most people than just what you've heard."

"Yeah, you're right", Willie nodded. "He seems so intense, but still... so sad."

"He's lived a very... complicated life", Barnabas noted. "And he's a very complicated person."

"Sounds like someone else I know", Willie joked.

"Do you think so, Willie?", Barnabas smiled.

"Yeah", Willie replied. "That other person. You might know who I'm talking about, Barnabas. Everyone thought he was evil and he proved them wrong. Maybe Mr. Magneto can do it too?"

"Perhaps, Willie. Perhaps!", Barnabas commented. "Now, let's go have some coffee."

THE END (?)

Hogan Knows Repo (A Repo Games / Wrestling Parody)

A/N - Have you ever watched the show "Repo Games" on Spike TV? Decided to do a little parody of it with two of my favorite wrestling superstars. It's Chris Jericho and Hulk Hogan. And it's what I have decided to call...

"Hogan Knows Repo" (A Repo Games / Wrestling Parody)


Chris Jericho: "This is Chris Jericho and I'm here on Spike TV, filling in for some loser named Josh Lewis on this reality based game show, Reindeer Games. What? Okay, the idiot producers are telling me that it's not Reindeer Games. That was an absolutely awesome movie from a few years ago. This is Repo Games! And why am I your guest host for tonight. There are two reasons. To begin with, the producers of this show know that having a star of my magnitude, a true icon of professional wrestling, not to mention the frontman for the hardest working rock band in the world, Fozzy, would mean ratings and money and success. For am I not the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla? And the other reason? I lost a bet with CM Punk! But have no fear, sooner rather than later, I will make my return to the WWE and show the world that CM Punk, as rebellious and dangerous as he tries to be. He calls himself a pipe bomb? I call him a whiner, a loser and a Chris Jericho wannabe. I will return and will stand face to face with CM Punk. I will look him dead in the eye and I will ask... no I will tell him to please SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Jericho pauses in his monologue for a moment and then looks back at the camera.

CJ: "But that's the future. This is Reindeer... I mean Repo Games and what we're going to do is repo someone's car. But there's a catch. They will have a chance to save their vehicle, much like I saved the WWE from mediocrity a few years ago. We'll ask them five trivia questions and if they get three out of five, they get to keep their vehicle and the show will pay it off for them. But if they don't get at least three right, the losers not only lose their vehicle, but we will make fun of them and call them names behind their back. Now let's see what we're picking up today."

Jericho looks at his paperwork.

CJ: "Oh this is going to be sweet! We're picking up a 2006 Nissan Sentra and the owner is... get this peons, the owner is Hulk Hogan. Yeah, this is going to be fun."

Jericho and his cameras pull in front of a large home and the tow truck is quickly hooked up to the car sitting in the driveway. Jericho has the tow truck driver lift it up and goes to knock on the door. After a few moments, the door opens and Hulk Hogan comes out.

Hulk Hogan: "What are you doing here, Chris Jericho? This is the Hulkster's private property, brother! And what's with the cameras? What's with the tow truck? Whatcha gonna do... brother!"

CJ: "Hulk Hogan, we're here to pick up your car. The payments are late and it's going back to the dealer. But before we pick it up, I have to give you an option where you can save your car. I'll explain that in a second, but first. I'm looking at you and it's the Immortal Hulk Hogan. And I look out in the driveway and see a Sentra. And well, I just have to ask you something."

HH: "What is it, Jericho?"

CJ: "Bring in the Miz for his cameo appearance."

Out of nowhere walks in WWE Superstar The Miz. He's carrying a mic. Miz walks up to Hogan and Jericho and gets right up in Hogan's face. He looks at the Nissan Sentra. He looks at Hogan. He looks again at the car. And then looks at Hogan.

MIz: "Really? Really? Really? A Nissan? Hulk Hogan? Really?"

Miz drops the microphone and walks off shaking his head. Silence fills the air until finally, Hogan starts to speak.

HH: "Well, you know Jericho, that the little Hulksters of the world appreciate good common sense economics and I saw this car and... it's Brooke's car. Yeah, that's it brother. I don't want her to be spoiled."

CJ: "Too late to worry about that!"

HH: "I'm the Hulkster, bruther! I ride in limos and Bentleys and Mercedes. I live the big life with the best rides, brother! And what ya gonna do..."

Suddenly, Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs walked by.

Knobbs: Hey Hulkster, why is your car up on the tow truck?"

Hogan turned and glared at Knobbs. Knobbs just shrugged his shoulders.

Knobbs: "What? What? I'll be at the pool!"

Everyone watched Knobbs walked off towards the pool. Then Jericho turned to Hulk Hogan.

CJ: "So who's car is it, Hulkster?"

HH: "It was all I could afford after the divorce and the lawsuit against Nick."

CJ: "We understand, Hulk! But that's what happens when you marry a lying, stinking, bottom feeding, trashbag ho!"

HH: "I never married Stephanie!"

CJ: "No, I'm talking about the other lying, stinking, bottom feeding trashbag ho!"

HH: "Debra McMichael?"

CJ: "No, not that one!"

HH: "Missy Hyatt? Sable? Brooke?"

CJ: "No, no and eeew! That's just nasty! I'm talking about your ex-wife, Linda, you nimrod!"

HH: "Oh yeah! She told me she was pregnant."

CJ: "With the spawn of Satan!"

HH: "Don't talk about Nick that way! Or are you talking about Brooke?"

CJ: "Never mind, Huckster! The producers of this chump change game show are telling me that we need to move on. So do you want to save your car or not?"

HH: "How do I do that? I can call Eric and use my creative control?"

CJ: "I'll ask you five trivia questions. You get three right, then the car is paid off and yours to keep, no questions asked. If you don't get at least three right, the car gets reposessed. Do you want to play or not, jackass?"

HH: "Do I get to phone a friend?"

CJ: "I really don't give a damn what you do. Let's just get this over with!"

HH: "Let's do it, brother... and whatcha gonna do... when Hulk Hogan wins Repo Games and runs wild over you!"

CJ: "Stow it bozo! Here's the first question. You've heard of the Three Stooges, right? There were six people who were part of the Three Stooges act. Name three of them."

HH: "Well, this is clearly a trick question, brother! But I know this! I used to watch that show each and every week. The Three Stooges, brother... we're talking about Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay and that Bobby Heenan wannabe, Larry Z. And that's my final answer, Regis!"

CJ: "Well Baldylocks, I hate to tell you, but even though I agree with you and think you're right, especially where that mealy-mouthed Tony Schiavonte was concerned, the producers say that you're wrong! So raise the car up a bit on the tow truck!"

HH: "Was it Mean Gene, Vince and JR?"

CJ: "It's Larry, Curly, Moe, Shemp, Curley Joe and Joe. Those are the names of all of the Three Stooges."

HH: "I don't believe that! I want to call Eric and get him to reverse the decison!"

CJ: "And I want an excedrin because you're giving me a major headache, Thunderlips! Are you ready for the next question?"

HH: "Well, I still think I was right with the first answer!"

CJ: "You weren't. Get over it!"

HH: "What's the next question? Don't make me slam you like I did that two-thousand pound, wart covered Andre the Giant in Detroit in front of a half a zillion fans."

CJ: "Okay, Mr. Exaggeration! Here goes and even you should know this one. What former professional wrestler shocked the world be being elected Governor of the State of Minnesota in 1998?"

HH: "The Hulkster knows this one, brother! Because I announced my intentions to run for President that year and this joker, this wanna-be, jumped in there to still my thunder. He just wants to be Hulk Hogan, brother! That's the little slimey backstabber, Jesse Ventura!"

CJ: "And surprisingly, you're right Monkey! But just to clarify, Jesse was already elected Governor when you did that stupid storyline to run for President. So if anyone was trying to steal the thunder and hog the spotlight, it was you Hogan!"

HH: "Whatchu talking about, Jericho? I never wrestled on Thunder. That's a B-show, brother!"

CJ: "Yeah! Yeah, save it for the funny pages, ass-clown! Hey monkey, he got one right so lower the car. Yeah, I'm surprised too!"

HH: "I got it right! Now unhook my car... I mean Brooke's car!"

CJ: "That's only one right, Blondie! You have to get two more right!"

HH: "Blondie? I know her. We were on MTV together!"

CJ: "Whatever, loser! Are you ready for question three?"

HH: "Bring it on, brother!"

CJ: "John, Paul, George and Ringo are the names of what rock super-group?"

HH: "Wasn't that the nWo b-squad?"

CJ: "You don't know who John, Paul, George and Ringo are?"

HH: "I'm just kidding you, brother! Of course I know who John, Paul, George and Ringo are!"

CJ: "So who are they? Speak up, jerky!"

HH: "I know exactly who they are, brother!"

CJ: "So answer the question, you moron!"

HH: "Can you give me a hint?"

CJ: "It's the name of an insect, you pinhead!"

HH: "Oh yeah, I've got it! The Chipmunks!"

CJ: "Your answer is The Chipmunks?"

HH: "Yeah, brother! I have all their albums!"

CJ: "Jack that car up because this idiot just exceeded the outer realm of all ignoramous jackasses!"

HH: "Why? What happened?"

CJ: "You're wrong, dillweed! The answer was The Beatles!"

HH: "Where? Someone needs to call the exterminatior then, brother!"

CJ: "Let's get this over with, you clueless piece of garbage. Are you ready for the next question?"

HH: "Did I win, brother? It's in my contract that I always win."

CJ: "Even I'm getting tired of this now. Next question Hogan. Are you ready?"

HH: "Sock it to me, Jericho!"

CJ: "Okay, and if you don't get this one, you deserve to lose your car. Who is the current President of the United States?"

HH: "I know this one, brother!"

CJ: "Well, answer the damn question Hogan!"

HH: "I ran for President once, don't you know, brother!"

CJ: "I know... I know! We've already covered that, you jackass! Who is the President now?"

HH: "It's a black guy!"

CJ: "We need a name, Hogan! Just give me the man's name and you can save your car."

HH: "He's a great talker. Cuts some great promos."

CJ: "What the hell is his name?"

HH: "I saw him on RAW once too... not that I ever watch RAW. I only watch TNA, brother and I don't know anything about the drama with Hunter, Nash and that CM Punk dude, brother!"

CJ: "Who's the President, Hulk?"

HH: "I don't even know who CM Punk is!"

CJ: "Answer the damn question monkey!"

HH: "The President of the United States is..."

CJ: "Come on now. Say it loser!"

HH: "Charlie Sheen!"

CJ: "And you are wrong! Jack that car up and take it away! You lose, Hulk! Your car is being reposessed!"

HH: "What you talking about, Jericho? I got a text from Sheen last week and he told me has was winning!"

CJ: "Sheen is an idiot and you are an idiot too, Hogan! Your car is being towed away! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!"

HH: "It's not fair, Jericho! I'm going to go call Eric, brother! And whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania decides to run wild on you!"

CJ: "Yeah, whatever... loser! This is Chris Jericho and that's it for tonight and Repo Games. It's been an experience and it's been your pleasure. And I promise you right now that I will never, eeeevvvvveeerrrr do this stupid game show agaaainn!. Go buy a Fozzy CD! Thank you and good night!

THE END!