Love Hurts (A WWE Valentine's Day Fiction) - January 29, 2009

Love Hurts (A WWE Valentine's Day Fiction) - January 29, 2009

Disclaimer: I Don't Own Jamie Noble or any of the persons mentioned in this story. Vince owns them all. He owns everything.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Jamie Noble just sat on the locker room bench and sighed to himself.

"What is wrong with these girls?"

He had just been turned down (again) by Layla El when he asked her for a date, and heck, this time, he was planning to go all out.. with a trip to Red Lobster.

"Heck, she probably just doesn't like fish?", he thought.

Jamie sighed and got up. He saw Santino walking into the dressing room. As always, Santino was smiling and talking to himself. Jamie listened and it sounded like Santino was singing, "That's Amore", the old Dean Martin classic.

"It would have been better if Charlie Daniels had sung it", Noble thought as he walked up to Santino.

"Hey boy", Jamie said. "What are you all smiles about?"

"Oh, hello Jamie Noble", Santino said. "My lovely Glamazon, the Beth Phoenix, has a big night planned for us with a big dinner, some romance and possibly some making romance and amore!"

"Oh, you're going out catfishing, huh?", Jamie said.

Santino just looked at Jamie.

"Cat fishing? Why would anyone fish for cats?", Santino asked.

"Nah boy, you know... spending the night by a river with the tires burning, a cooler full of beer and ya snuggle up close while fishing. The gals love it!"

"If you say so, Jamie. Now I understand why the women avoid you and think you're a freaky machine", Santino said.

"Who says I'm a freaky machine?", Jamie blurted out.

Santino looked at the small man and knew he had pushed a button. Jamie was well known to have a quick temper and Santino had to think fast.

"It was..."

Santino quickly looked around the dressing room and saw JBL standing in the corner, talking on his cell phone.

"It was JBL. It was Bradshaw.", Santino said.

"Who the hell does that big Texas idiot think he is", Jamie ranted. "I think I'm gonna go over there and kick his ass!"

Jamie turned around and stomped off towards JBL. Santino quickly grabbed his bags and left the dressing room.

"It'll serve Noble right to get his behind kicked by JBL. After all, anyone who fishes for cats....", Santino said to himself as he left the room.

Meanwhile, in the dressing room...

Noble stormed across the dressing room and yelled out...

"Hey boy, I want to talk to you right now!"

JBL glanced in his direction and held up a finger, signaling that he needed to wait. JBL continued to talk on the phone.

Jamie stood there squirming and shifting his weight from foot to foot. He yelled again.
"Hey boy! I want to talk to you... NOW!"

JBL turned and glared at the fiesty, smaller man. He spoke into the phone.
"Excuse for for a second!".

JBL turned to Noble.

"I'm on the phone, you little jackass! Now get out of here before I get pissed off!"
JBL went to resume his conversation and Noble just had enough. He reached up and snatched the phone from JBL's hand and slapped the phone closed, hanging up on whoever it was JBL was talking to.

Noble shreiked at JBL, "I said I want to talk to you NOW boy!"

JBL was pissed. He grabbed Noble and pushed him back against the locker room wall.

"Who the hell do you think you are, you little punk! I was on the phone with Meredith. You'd better explain yourself pretty quickly before I beat your damn ass!".

Jamie didn't back down one step.

"Who the hell do you think you are telling everyone that I'm a freak!", he yelled back in JBL's face.

"Who the hell told you that?", JBL said. "I've never called you a freak. Hell, why would I even give a damn if you are or not. You're just a sorry little punk with a big mouth!"
"That's not what Santino said!", Noble said.

"What the hell does Santino have to do with anything? Who the hell listens to that dipwad anyhow?", said JBL.

"Well, I was talking to Santino about taking out the ladies for a night of romance and cat-fishing and he said you called me a 'freaky machine' and I want to know what the hell you mean by that!"

JBL relaxed his grip on Jamie and smiled.

"Well, you are a bit on the wild side", he laughed.

Jamie started to tense up again and JBL quickly added, "But that's not a bad thing. Hell, I used to be a bit of a redneck myself back in the days!"

"Ain't nothing wrong with being a redneck", Jamie quickly said.

"I never said there was", JBL countered. "So why the hell were you talking to that idiot Santino about women anyhow?"

"Well, it's almost Valentine's Day and I ain't got no woman", Noble said. "And Santino always seems to be with a beautiful woman. He was with Maria and now he's with Beth...."

"Maria is brain dead", JBL said. "And Beth wears the pants in that relationship. She kicks Santino's ass almost as much as the guy wrestlers do."

Both men laughed at that thought.

"Besides, if you want help getting a woman, you should have just come to me in the first place", JBL said.

"You know about women?", Jamie asked.

"I'm a self-made millionaire", JBL said. "I know about a lot of things. Now let me call Meredith back and then me and you are going out for a few beers. And son, we're gonna have a long talk about getting you a good woman!"

(Several hours and several dozen beers later...)

JBL and Jamie were at a local bar and a slight bit on the intoxicated side. They had been joined by Dustin Rhodes, aka 'Goldust'.

"So there was this time that I caught Terri and Taka Michinoku dancing around the dressing rooms and wearing jump suits and they were lip-syncing to the Aretha Franklin song, "Respect". I was so pissed cause I thought Terri might have been cheating on me, but she was just learning to dance", said Dustin, in the middle of one of his many misadventures with Terri Runnels stories.

JBL and Jamie listened and looked at each other and broke up laughing.

"What's so funny?", Dustin asked.

"You're a freakin' idiot", JBL said. "Dancing and lip synching with Taka.. That heffer was screwing around on you and you were just too blind to see it!"

"No, she wasn't", Dustin said. "She just liked Japanese karaoke and Aretha. Hmmm! Although that might explain the condoms and ass-cream I found in her bag."

"Ass cream?", Noble asked.

"Damn, that Edge gets around, doesn't he?", JBL snickered.

"He said it was Christian's!", Jamie recalled.

"What? What? I don't get it!", Dustin sighed. "I miss Terri."

'Hey, we're here to talk about my problem. I need a freakin' woman!", Jamie interupted. "It's almost Valentine's Day and I ain't even got a lady to rub my feet and take out mudding!"

"That's why I'm here!", JBL says. "I'm going to tell you how to get a woman. It only takes one thing. And that's money!"

"I don't want no nasty girl who sleeps with guys just for money. I don't want no prostitute!",
Jamie quickly proclaimed.

"But I thought you liked Layla", Dustin said. "And what's she...??"

"Don't you talk about Layla like that! I'll beat your ass", Jamie quickly said to the bigger man.

"Hold on! Calm down Noble", JBL said. "Dustin's right about Layla or why else would she be with Regal? But I just changed my mind. For you, it's not about money. Hell, you probably don't even have any money!"

"I do to!", Jamie said. "Heck, I just paid my trailer off and I bought a new lowrider just last month."

"Yeah", said JBL. "No money, like I said. Why don't you just do like the rest of the guys and just get some of these groupies that come to the show?"

"Cause Miz and Spanky get all of the good ones first! And besides, I want a decent woman who can iron my t-shirts, feed my dogs and ride with me down to the Wal-Mart."

And so it continued for many more hours and many more beers. Jamie quickly realized that Dustin and JBL were not the people to go to for relationship advice and tips on how to find a good woman in time for Valentine's Day. But the beer kept coming and was free,so who was he to complain as they continued to drink until the sun began to rise in the east and they each ventured back to their motel rooms for a few hours of sleep until time to catch their flights home.

As Jamie staggered down the hallway of the motel after saying good-bye to JBL and Dustin in the lobby, he didn't notice a figure standing back in the shadows watching him. The figure continued to watch Jamie with a frown on their face as he fumbled with his keys and, after finally getting the door open, staggered into his motel room. Only then, did the mysterious figure in the shadows turn and walk away.

The weeks passed for Jamie and he tried time and time again to get one of the WWE Divas to be his girlfriend. Layla had continued to be a bitch. Mickie was consoling and nice to Jamie, but she already had a boyfriend. He tried to talk to Michelle McCool, but Undertaker threatened to slam him into a wall. And Melina... she cut loose in a long string of Spanish curse words that made it clear she wasn't interested.

"Damn girl, all you had to do was say no", Jamie muttered to himself as he left the Diva dressing room.

As Jamie walked down the hall, he heard a terrible and ear-wretching noise. Jillian was warming up for her match and was naturally, trying to sing and get her voice "in tune".

"What the hell is dying over here?", Jamie asked loudly as he walked up to Jillian.
Jillian turned around to see who was speaking.

"What do you want, Jamie? If this is about going out, I've already told you I'm not interested."

"Naw girl, I already know you don't wanna date. That's too bad for you though cause I just got these coupons in the mail for half-off at the IHOP. Yeah, some lucky lady is going to be living large with Jamie Noble pretty soon."

"Damn, you're sad", Jillian said.

"What do you mean girl?", Jamie said.

"A girl doesn't want IHOP or cat-fishing or four-wheeling. She wants flowers and candy and romance... and maybe some handcuffs."

"Flowers and romance? Hell, I can do romance. That's going to McDonald's and not making her buy off the Value Menu... going for the big meal, right?"

"You're hopeless", Jillian said.

"Hell, that always worked back home. Give a gal a Big Mac and fries and she's yours for life."

Jillian just shook her head and walked off.

Hey girl, what'd I say? Where you going?", Jamie asked.

Jamie watched Jillian as she left.

"Damn, she's got a big ass!", Jamie thought to himself as he watched her walk off. Jamie turned around to walk towards his dressing room when he ran right into the imposing figure of Kane.

"Hey boy, watch out where you're going!", Jamie said.

Kane glared at Jamie and grabbed him by the throat.

"I heard you're looking for a girlfriend!", Kane sneered.

"What's it to you, Big Red", Jamie gasped, trying to get a breath as Kane continued to hold on to his throat.

"I just wanted to tell you to stay away from Kelly... or else!", Kane threatened.

"Or else what, you big cherry-puff goof", Jamie asked.

"Or else, it won't be good... for you!", Kane said.

Kane released Jamie's throat and Jamie fell to the ground, gasping for air as Kane turned and walked away.

"Yeah, you better leave before I have kick your butt!", Jamie said.

"He's lucky he left", Jamie muttered to himself as he pulled himself together. "I was about to pull a Rambo on his big red rear end!"

"Excuse me!", a voice came from behind him.

"Kane, what you want boy? I'm gonna have to kick your.....", Jamie was saying as he spun around. There stood Vickie Guerrero.

"Yeah Vickie, how you doing?", Jamie said nervously. He knew that if Vickie was there, Edge or Chavito wouldn't be far away.

"I've been watching you", Vickie said.

"Hey girl, I know I'm a stud and all that, but don't you have Edge as your man? I don't want no trouble."

"Not like that!", Vickie laughed. "I'm happy with Adam. But I've noticed that you've been having a little bad luck with the ladies as of late."

"Hey all these ladies love them some Jamie Noble", Jamie quickly countered.

"So I've noticed. Even Jillian turned you down and she's a nympho.", Vickie said.

"Jillian didn't turn.. what? She's a what?", Jamie quickly asked, shocked by this statement by Vickie?

"Yeah, she makes Sable look like Mother Teresa", Vickie said. "She doesn't turn down anyone... but you, I guess."

"She didn't turn me down", Jamie said quietly.

"Yeah, right!", Vickie snorted.

"So what you want, girl?", Jamie quickly asked the GM of Smackdown.

"Well, as I said, I've been watching you. And it's nearly Valentine's Day and I hate to see anyone alone."

"Hey, I ain't doing no threesome stuff with you and Edge. I did that freaky stuff with Torrie, Billy and Nidia and I think that's what drove Nidia away!"

"You mean blinding her and beating her up in a match didn't have anything to do with that?", Vickie asked.

"She likes that stuff", Jamie countered. "And I still ain't doing no kinky stuff!"

"I don't want you to do anything with me and Edge", Vickie said, shuddering at the thought. "I just feel sorry for you and don't want you to be alone on Valentine's Day. It was one of mine and Eddie's favorite days of the year and maybe it's just the romantic in me, but I think everyone should have someone on Valentine's Day to be with."

At that moment, Santino came running by, followed closely by Beth Phoenix, who was screaming and huffing.

"You ate my twinkies! I'll kill you!", Beth shreiked as she chased Santino down the hall.

Both Vickie and Jamie watched Santino and Beth as they vanished from sight.

"Except them!", Vickie said as Jamie shook his head, agreeing with her.

"So anyhow Jamie, I have this lady I want you to meet. I have a feeling you and her will get along great!"

"I don't need no one to fix me up", Jamie said.

"Yes, you do", smiled Vickie. "And you'll like this girl. She's got big..... she's well end... you'll like her. Just trust me."

"Who is it?", Jamie asked.

"She works with TNA. I met her when I was visiting Eddie's brother Hector down in Orlando last month."

"One of the knockouts? It ain't Christy Hemme is it? She's wild!", Jamie said.

"No, it's not Christy", Vickie said.

"It's not Jacqueline, is it?", Jamie asked, remembering what Jackie had promised to do to him if he ever asked her out again back during her WWE days.

"No, it's not Jackie", Vickie said.

"Well girl, then who is it?", Jamie asked. "Tell me something."

"Just trust me", Vickie said.

"You ain't trying to rib me, are you?", Jamie asked cautiously.

"No, I'm not like that. I already told you that I just don't like seeing people alone and unhappy."

"So who is it? When do I meet her?", Jamie said.

"Next Tuesday night after the Smackdown tapings, you and my friend can go out with me and Adam for dinner."

"Are you sure you're not trying to get me in a freak scene?", Jamie asked.

"No!", Vickie quickly said. "We'll be in Orlando and I'll have my friend meet us. Just be ready to go out."

"You sure you're not trying to rib me girl", Jamie asked.

"No, I'm serious. Just be ready."

"So who is it already?", Jamie asked.

"Her name is Jessica. Now just be ready on Tuesday. I've got to go now. I've got a meeting with Vince and Steph!",said Vickie.

Vickie started to walk off and Jamie touched her on the arm.

"Hey Vickie.. thanks!", Jamie said.

"Not a problem, Jamie. I really think you'll like this girl", Vickie said. "I'll make sure you get all of the details. I'll see you later."

Vickie walked off as Jamie watched.

"Woo-wee!", Jamie thought to himself. "I'm gonna have me a woman!"

Jamie smiled broadly as he walked off towards the locker rooms.

****

The days quickly flew by and it was soon Tuesday. Jamie was with Vickie and Edge as they sat in an Orlando resturant, waiting for "Jessica" to show up.

"Are you sure she's coming? Damn girl, I'm so nervous, sweating like a pig!", Jamie said to Vickie.

"She's coming", Vickie said.

"You'd better be happy for this, you little runt", Edge snickered at Jamie from across the table.

"You'd better be glad I'm a company man and don't stomp a mudhole in your butt", Jamie said to Edge.

"Yeah, right", Edge snorted in defiance. "You and what army!"

"I don't need no army", Jamie counted, his temper beginning to rise.

"OK boys, quit the bickering", Vickie quickly said.

Suddenly a big ruckus came from the front of the resturant.

"I'm sorry Madam, if that's what you are, but you can't come in here dressed like that!", a waiter told a very loud and defiant woman at the doorway.

"I'm meeting some friends. Now get the hell out of my way before I lay your bony butt out on the ground!", the woman said.

"She's here!", Vickie smiled happily.

Jamie and Edge looked at each other in a mixture of confusion and amazement.

The woman shoved another waiter out of her way and romped up to the table.

"Hey Vickie", she bellowed before taking a swig out of her ever present flask. "So where's the hunk you wanted me to meet? Buuuuuuurrp!"

Edge just sat there in silence while Jamie muttered something about "paybacks" under his breath.

Vickie just smiled.

"Jessica, this is my husband, Edge."

The loud, buxom woman put out a hand and heartily gave Edge a big handshake and slap on the back that jarred his bones.

"How the hell are ya, Blondie", she said.

"And this", Vickie continued, "is Jamie Noble", pointing to Jamie who was still sitting there with his mouth open and muttering to himself.

"He's a little small, but kind of cute", Jessica said.

She reached over and gave Jamie a bone-crushing hug. He could smell the alcohol on her breath.

"Hey girl, who you calling small?", Jamie managed tp speak up.

"Don't stress it, hun", Jessica said. "I been watching you a long time and I can tell you're a real ball of fire."

"And dont you forget it, girl!", Jamie said.

"I only got one question for you? You like going out dancing?"


"Hell no, I ain't no sissy boy", Jamie said.

"Me neither", Jessica said. "So you want to go out or what?"

"Hey, I'm the man here. I'm supposed to be the one who does the asking and all that!", Jamie said.

"I'll let you decide where we go. Chili dogs or pizza cause I'm starving and this dump don't serve no real food.. only the fancy, artsy stuff like salads and pasta and fillet mideon, or whatever you call it."

"Filet mignon", Edge tried to inject, but Vickie put her hand on his arm to keep him quiet.

"Heck, I saw me a Waffle House down the street", Jamie said. "You want to go?"

"Yeah", Jessica said. "Let's blow this dump. You drive?"

"No, I rode here with Vickie and Edge", Jamie said.

"We made him ride in the car seat", Edge joked, but quickly quieted down when he realized that Jamie and this gruff, loud, obnoxious woman were only paying attention to each other and not him.

"Hell, I got my jeep outside!", Jessica said.

"4-wheel drive?", Jamie asked.

"Of course", Jessica said.

"I'll drive", Jamie said.

"Like hell!", Jessica countered.

Jessica and Jamie got up and walked out the door, bickering to each other and with a loud banter as they headed towards Jessica's jeep.

Edge looked at Vickie, who was sitting there with a satisfied smile on her face.

"What the hell just happened here?", Edge asked his wife.

"Jamie just found a girlfriend who is just like him." Vickie said.

"Who is that woman? And how did you know she would hit it off with Jamie? And why?", Edge asked Vickie.

"Her name is Jessica Kresa . She works for TNA under the name of ODB. And as for how I knew her and Jamie would get along so well? I'm a Guerrero. We know these things.", Vickie smiled.

The couple looked up as Jamie came bursting back into the room. He quickly came up to Vickie.

"Hey girl, thanks! This girl is wild. Look at the size of her.... She's perfect. We're going to get some real food down at the Waffle House. Wanna come?"

Both Vickie and Edge shook their heads no.

"Man, I think I'm in love!", Jamie continued.

Vickie smiled.

"Thanks Vickie. You're a good lady, no matter what Hunter and Big Show have said about you!"

"What?", Vickie started to say, getting upset, but she quickly settled down as Jamie leaned across and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks again girl! I owe ya, big time!", Jamie said as he was running out the door to answer the sounds of ODB outside, honking her horn for him to hurry up.

"Just be happy, Jamie", Vickie said to herself as she sat back in her chair. "Just be happy... and Happy Valentine's Day!"

"Are you ready to order something? I'm starved!", Edge said, snapping Vickie back to attention.

"Sure, Adam. Let's celebrate tonight, OK?"

"Celebrate? What are we celebrating?", Adam said, taking Vickie's hand into his.

"Love", Vickie said quietly. "Happy Valentines Day, Edge. And you too, Eddie my love", looking towards the sky with a tear in her eye.

"Happy Valentines Day to everyone!"

THE END!!