(Retro) Six Minutes - February 9, 2009

Six Minutes
February 9, 2009
Doug Maynard

Have you ever just sat around watching a TV show or a movie or be listening to a song and just have thoughts pop up in your head that the person you're watching on the screen or listening to would make a great pro wrestler.

What? You haven't? Well, I have, which either says I have too much free time on my hands, have an obsession with wrestling that is probably way beyond normal or healthy, or am just freakin' nuts. Could be any of those reasons or all of the above. But the doctors tell me I'm getting much better. And the voices in my head (I call them Ernie, Ralph & Josephine) all agree. So there you go.

Anyhow, all of that aside for the moment, what I want to do today is just take a look at some different personalities, from various genres of the world of entertainment, and just talk about why I think they may have missed their true calling, and despite their huge success in their chosen profession, the world of pro wrestling would have also been a strong option for them as well.

Some of the names might make sense... others may not. But this is all in fun anyhow, so just bear with me.
I'm Doug and this is "Six Minutes" and these are...

The Potentials...

Geez, this already sounds like a throw-away episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, doesn't it? Maybe this column isn't such a good idea? Oh well! I'm already committed now (or probably should be) so it's too late to quit now.

By the way, I decided to omit the names of legit athletes like football players, basketball stars, etc. Far too easy and likely that they could possibly one day enter a wrestling ring.

After years of watching matches with crossover stars such a Dennis Rodman, Shaquille O'Neil, Kevin Greene, Steve McMichael, Lawrence Taylor, Mike Tyson, etc... there's just no fun to including them. I think the crossovers with folks like K-Fed, David Arquette, Andy Kaufman, etc., are more interesting and fun to write about. So no sports stars allowed. It's all about the other genres of entertainment. So keep that in mind. And away we go.

Alice Cooper: The legendary "King of Shock Rock". Alice has already ventured forth into the world of the WWF by joining Jake "The Snake" Roberts at ringside during a match against Honky Tonk Man, who was accompanied by Jimmy Hart, at Wrestlemania III at the Pontiac Silverdome in Detroit, MI. While Alice is a small man physically, he's all about entertainment and creating a spectacle and would make a fantastic manager-type to be at ringside.

He's a great talker with a quick wit and a presence that just says "look at me". 98% of pro wrestling is about creating an impression and being larger than life and being able to re-invent yourself as necessary to change with the times. No one is better at this than "The Coop".

And just think of the great theme songs that the wrestlers he managed would be able to have. An updated version of "Welcome To My Nightmare" has pro wresting theme written all over it. He would make an ideal manager for any wrestler. The only problem I might see would be his character and persona over-shadowing that of the men he's managing, but that would be easy to rectify.

All in all, if Alice Cooper ever decided to give up the music and move to wrestling, he'd not only fit right in, but would be a major personality and talent as well. That character is just too powerful to ignore.

Ted Nugent: Another larger-than-life rock persona with one major difference than the previously mentioned Alice Cooper. Ted is a very articulate and intelligent man, but he's also in great physical shape and could wrestle as well as talk. And the man runs around on stage at his concerts swinging on ropes and wearing a loin-cloth. (At least he used to - I'm not sure, as the years have gone by, if that's still part of his gimmick or not.)

But the self-professed "Motor City Madman" has a strong aura and character that just screams, at least to me, "I would make a great wrestler". He reminds me a older version of RVD in many ways, but that might just be the Michigan connection talking. Who knows for sure. But the man has a great mixture of intelligence, insanity and showmanship that would work well in a wrestling market. I have no doubts about that.

Geraldo Rivera: What can you say about Geraldo? He's a psuedo-journalist at Fox News who has an eye for the big stories, and the odder or more gimmicky they may be, the better. Any publicity is good for Geraldo and he's capable of doing anything and / or everything to make himself look good and make the story just that much bigger and interesting.

You might even say he's the "Vince McMahon" of journalism in that often times, common sense and practicality take a back seat to drawing that crowd and getting himself over. And he already knows how to swing a chair, as we learned so many years ago when he had the talk show going and had the brawling skinheads. Just take that energy and self-confidence (or some may call it arrogance and bravado) and transform it to a wrestling market and this man could go a long ways. It might not always be a pretty ride, but I could see him fitting right in and having a presence. He'd be a natural.

Gary Coleman: If Hornswoggle can be a major star with the WWE, why not Gary Coleman? All he'd have to do is cut a few promos a month and end them with his whole "Whatchu talking about, Willis!" line and he'd be over. I don't think he'd be much in the ring, but as a character at ringside, he's a natural. Hmmm! Ok, maybe not really, but it'd be fun to watch someone like Umaga give him the spike. Now that's what I'm talking about. Heh! Heh!

Brigitte Nielsen: This lady was Chyna before there was a Chyna. A physically intimidating, but attractive woman who shot to fame originally by playing such characters as Red Sonja (and by being married to Sylvester Stallone), Nielsen is a walking, talking publicity machine. She would have made, in her prime, a great WWE or TNA Diva, who would not only be able to look good and sell the T&A, but also handle the action in the ring as well. And she's pretty much crazy as well.

So that just adds to the mystique and character. Even now, she'd make a great valet or female manager. But that'd only last for a short time before she wigs out and goes nuts. Half of the excitement and intrigue would be counting down the time until that happens. Or until she makes a video with X-Pac. Either way, a young Brigitte Nielsen would have made a great Diva. And even now, she could make an exciting and fascinating presence in the world of pro wrestling. Maybe she'll end up with Hogan and Bischoff on their show? I could very easily see it.

Captain Kangaroo: The late Bob Keeshan, aka "Captain Kangaroo" would have been a natural character for a wrestling persona. A kind and gentle older man in a unique suit with extremely large pockets. Just imagine the foreign objects he could carry in there. Or ever so often, he could do run-in's in his alter ego of "The Town Clown".

Just imagine the promos with the Captain, flanked by Mr. Greenjeans, Mister Moose and Bunny Rabbit, as he threatens to nail his opponent with some "Picture Pages". Just thrills, fun and excitement all wrapped in one package that ever baby-boomer child from the seventies and early eighties would remember forever.

Miss Piggy: Another potential diva in the making. She's already well known for beating up frogs, monsters and weirdos. She's not afraid to get down and dirty in the mud.

Just have her "frog" with her at ringside and you'd have the biggest wrestling couple ever since the days of "Macho Man" and Liz. The only potential problem might be her love of living "high on the hog", if you will, but put this swine in the ring and it'd be the greatest thing since bacon. And we all know she's a big ham anyhow. So there you go.

Al Sharpton: A civil rights activist and man of the people, for a price. Sounds like a wrestling promoter already, doesn't he? Al will say anything and do anything for publicity. He's a large enough man that, despite his age, he could no doubt handle himself in any kind of physical encounter, but his greatest gift would be his mouth and his gift for gab. Sharpton is a great talker and motivater. Even if you don't agree with what he's talking about, there is almost a mystical compulsion that you just have to listen and watch.

For Al Sharpton, there is no such a thing as bad publicity. He understands that everything in his line of work, which is political activicism and stirring the pot, is about smoke and mirrors and presentation. And the bottom line is drawing that crowd and putting butts in those seats.

Damn, he really does sound like a wrestling promoter, doesn't he? Just picture a true-to-life version of Teddy Long when he was managing Rodney Mack and doing those "White Boy Challenges", but in a bigger and more legitimately tough and dangerous persona. And that's The Reverend Al.

The Barbarian Brothers: Twins Peter and David Paul made a large number of movies back in the 80's where they mixed comedy and action / adventure. These two guys were identical twin bodybuilders. Can you see why I think they'd make great wrestlers? Both men look good. Both men can talk. Both men are huge with chiseled bodies.

And neither man takes themselves too seriously, as obvious by some of their movie roles, such as in "DC Cab" as "Buddy" & "Buzzy", in "Double Trouble" as "David" and "Peter" (I wonder who thought of those character names?), "Twin Sitters" (again as "David" and "Peter"), and in "Souled Out" as "Ace Stevens" & "Dorian" (aka 'The Devil'). If they hadn't decided to pursue movies as their careers (and David is also a top photographer for bodybuilding magazines), wrestling could have easily been their career of choice.

They have the looks. They have the comedy timing. And they have the athleticism and bodies. Give them Captain Kangaroo as a manager and Brigitte Nielsen as their valet and everyone would be going "DX who?". You'd have money on top of money pouring in. I guarentee it.

Ozzy Osbourne: If Kevin Sullivan was considered the personification of "The Devil", what would that say about Ozzy? He's bizzarre, insane, totally unpredictable, and a walking spectacle. In other words, he's the perfect person to work in the world of professional wrestling.

With wife Sharon Osbourne by his side, (as if you could ever get her away anyhow), just picture Ozzy leading a team of Wild Samoans to the ring as their manager? Picture Ozzy cutting a promo to put over the power and size of Grreat Khali. (And then Sharon translating seconds later so we know what in the hell Ozzy was talking about.) It'd be TV gold and ratings galore. Whether he does anything or not, Ozzy, just by his presence alone, is a powerful and distracting force. It's just something to think about.

Loni Anderson: Picture Sable, but a little older with bigger breasts and more publicity photos and stories to tell. And you have Loni. Even now, after all of these years, she's still an attractive lady, but back in her prime, during the WKRP years, she was just a true hottie.

She's a good speaker and actually a good actress. And she doesn't mind showing a lot of cleavage (and she has a lot of cleavage to show). If that doesn't spell "Diva", nothing does. And I have a strong suspicion that after being married to Burt Reynolds for a while, she can probably handle herself pretty well in a fight. Just a feeling there, but probably pretty true.

Marilyn Manson: This guy is so so outlandish and weird, he would be a natural fit for the world of wrestling. Actually, if it's possible, he might even be the one person who is too weird for wrestling. Forget I said anything. He just creeps me out anyhow.

Pee Wee Herman: Paul Reubens, in his "Pee Wee" get-up would make a fantastic wrestling manager persona. He's just so out there with his little bow tie and his outlandish and cartoony ways. I could picture him cutting promos and ending every comment directed towards him with the classic, "So funny, I forgot to laugh", and "I know you are, so what am I?". Maybe it'd be a little weird, but it would work. Oops! I had forgotten that WWE already did a character like this. We called him "Mr. Backlund". My bad!

Soce The Elemental Wizard: This is one man, all joking aside, that would honestly make a great wrestling manager. He's a jewish, gay rapper from New York City. And he's a great wrestling fan. All of those qualities in one package just cries out "larger than life" and "something worth looking into". Soce is not a big man by any means, although he likes the big men rather well. So he wouldn't be able to physically intimidate anyone. But with a quick wit and a strong mind, not to mention a true gift for gab and showmanship, I have no doubt that he could hold his own verbally with anyone currently in the business.

And he honestly and truly has a mind and love for the sport of professional wrestling that few can match. Listen to his songs and pick out the lyrics mentioning Diamond Dallas Page, Taka & Funaki, and Brock Lesnar, among others. The man has an energy and work ethic that leaves me no doubt at all that if he was to legitimately throw his Wizard's cap into the squared circle and get involved in a small Indy company as a manager or spokesperson, it wouldn't take long for the WWE or TNA to look this guy up and sign him up. He is that good.

Heck, back in 2005 - 2006 when I was doing a fantasy version of "WCW", complete with storylines, PPV's, TV and all of that, I had Soce as one of my characters, based very strongly on the real man, and working as a manager. I could see it then and I can see it now. Plus, he's also one helluva entertainer and rapper. And he has some great t-shirts too. (I own two.) I may clown and talk a lot of B.S. from time to time, but when it comes to the talent of this man, I'll all serious and to the point. Check him out for yourself at www.myspace.com/soce or at www.greathiphop.com. If you listen to the man or talk to the man, you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. 'Nuff said!

Toby Keith: Toby is a big old country boy with a redneck attidude and a strong love for family, friends and the USA. Teach him how to do a clothesline and you've got a major wrestling star. It's obvious that the guy can talk and has a strong presence. He's also a fairly proficent actor, if the few movie roles I've seen him in are any kind of indication. And he's a wrestling fan, as proven by his appearances with TNA a few years ago. There is no doubt in my mind that this guy can handle himself in a fight or brawl.

Meatloaf: He's a big guy with size and power. And when he starts to sweat and gets those crazy eyes going, he's definitely intimidating. Can you picture the Marquee - "Meatloaf versus Big Show" or "Meatloaf versus Santino". We're talking major bucks here. Or else just put him in a grass skirt, some native islander style gear and paint "Meat" on his stomach. Call him "Meatmaga". It would work and he's be a natural.

Matthew & Gunner Nelson: As I mentioned earlier with the Barbarian Brothers, anytime you have twins, you've got a potential draw. Both Matthew and Gunner, better known as "Nelson" are in great shape. They're both a little on the smaller side, but would get over well as the quick-footed, babyface tag team, aka "The Rock & Roll Express" or "Fantastics" style.

The kids would love them. The young girls would love them. And they could spread their "Love and Affection" all across the wrestling world as the greatest tag team since Shawn & Marty first teamed up. Actually, to see one of these guys pop up on Hogan and Bischoff's show in the future wouldn't really surprise me a bit. And with some proper training, they could probably make a successul transition to wrestling as well.
And finally...

Jay & Silent Bob: One is the skinny guy with all the mouth. The other is the tubby partner who's the brawn (and brains) of the team. I'm honestly surprised that none of the wrestling companies have ripped off, I mean "borrowed and modified" the Jay & Silent Bob characters and gimmick for their wrestlers yet.

But just the thought of these two alter egos of Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith, stepping into a ring and trying to have a match cracks me up. It's like a scene from a bad movie (and probably a future scene from one of Kevin Smith's future movies - who knows?) It just says entertainment and fun to me.

I don't know how well the two characters would do in a real wrestlng ring or a real wrestling match, but I imagine it would be a fascinating sight to see. Or a train wreck of epic proportions. Who can say? Certainly not I.
And I guess that's enough of this rambling and ranting for now. I've got things to do and a nap to take.

This topic, about people from other genres of entertainment, who could also possibly have had a career in wrestling, came to me last night at work and I wanted to get it out of my system. I hope I've given you folks something to think about and maybe laugh about. Or if nothing else, something to scratch your head about and wonder just what in the hell I'm smoking. (Nothing, by the way. This is all me - Lord help us all!)

So what famous (or infamous as the case may be) persons do you think would be fun or interesting to see in the wrestling world in some capacity? Let me know. I think this could be a fun and interesting topic to talk about.
Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Also, come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.

And on that, I do believe my "Six Minutes" are up. So I'm outta here like a Police Academy recruit at the Blue Oyster Bar. Until the next time, stay cool and always be a fan. I'm Doug and like Warrior Warrior's sanity, I'm history.
See ya!