Tossing Salt Video Review
Grand Masters Of Wrestling: First Blood Vol. 1
September 25, 2009
Doug Maynard
Good morning, my salt-tossing friends. It's the master of wrestling's true triple threat of columns, back again. And I've got a treat for you. At least I hope you consider it a treat because I think it kind of stinks. By the way, does anyone know an Earl Deese? Neither do I, but we had a phone call here at the house for him at 5:30 this morning. So if you know Earl, tell him to call Shirley or Shirlene or someone like that.
So the phone rang and woke me up from a great sleep. And as usually the case, I tossed and turned and couldn't fall back asleep. I'm not really in the mood to write a full column and to be honest, I don't have much to write about anyhow (not that I usually let that stop me). I haven't watched RAW in a month, I don't get Smackdown and could care less about TNA.
But I'm up and awake. What is a man to do? How about a video review? I went to my collection of DVD's and pulled out what looks like a great selection of classic wrestling action. Looks can be deceiving, as you will see.
It's "Grand Masters of Wrestling: First Blood Vol. 1". It came out about five or so years ago from a company called Digiview Entertainment and the cover looks great. It advertises The Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff versus Bam Bam Bigelow, Iron Mike Sharpe and a special Women's match featuring Misty Blue versus Linda Dallas. And more.
Flip it over to the backside and we see another listing for the DVD. It has listed (again) Nikolai Volkoff versus Bam Bam Bigelow, The Iron Sheik versus The Mighty Maccabee, Mikolai Volkoff singing "Hava Nagilah", and "Classy" Freddy Blassie singing "Pencil Necked Geek".
Let's see if this DVD delivers all that is advertised. Do you think it will. No, me neither. But let's see what it does deliver. The matches are taking place in Wilmington, New Jersey and the date is sometime in 1993. They're wrestling in a small ring under a canopy, surrounded by about 50 to 60 fans at the best.
Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into. And everything is being filmed by one camera. That's pretty obvious, so this is not going to be of WWE or TNA quality. Heck, it's not going to be of "Indy Promotion Of The Week At The Local High School Gym" quality either. Do I really want to do this? *Sighs* I'm committed (and after watching this, I probably will need to be... for a short time anyhow.
We start off with Nikolai Volkoff cutting a promo on the Iron Sheik. But Volkoff is supposed to be wrestling Bam Bam Bigelow, right? I guess not. I think we just fell victim to the old bait and switch technique so well known in wrestling as "card subject to change". No one bothered to tell the people who designed the DVD box cover though. Anyhow, Nikolai has never been known as one of wrestling's great talkers and he proves once again, as he rants about how Sheik tried to "end his career" and he's "proud to be an American" that he still can't talk very well.
Then we go to an Iron Sheik promo. Sheik calls Nikolai a traitor to Russia and Iran and does his classic "what the..." monologue, which concludes with Sheik spitting a big "patoohie" on the floor. I'm already beginning to get ill.
First match is Ace Darling versus Mr. Motion. Ace Darling is a fantastic wrestler. He's one of the best Indy talents out there today and belongs in TNA or the WWE... now. But this match... *Sighs again* He had the look, but not much else. I've seen better action many, many times at my local Armory watching some of the local talent do their stuff. Ace is showing a few good moves, but this kid they placed him against is extremely green and it's extremely obvious.
He's so green, I can picture him attending a twelve-steps program with Kermit the Frog, The Incredible Hulk and Marvin Martian. And it shows. Ace calls the match and it has a few good moments, but lasts about fourteen - fifteen minutes, which is about twelve minutes too long. Motion wins with a "Magnum T.A. just rolled over in his grave - and he's not dead yet" version of the belly-to-belly suplex. And I'm ready to go stick my head in the oven. Too bad it's electric.
We move on to "Canada's Greatest Athlete" Iron Mike Sharpe taking on the Cheetah Kid. Another slow and way too long match with Sharpe spending most of the match pulling a "Zbyszko", stalling and arguing with the fans, the referee, the camera man and anyone else who would listen. Except for one small problem. I have seen Larry Zbyszko stall and delay a match... and Mr. Sharpe, you are no Larry Zbyszko. Or as Kanye West would say, "I'm gonna let you finish... but Zbyszko's stalling is the best stalling ever".
Cheetah Kid gets in a few spots here and there, but the fans just don't give a damn about him. Sharpe is getting some cheers, but Cheetah should have stayed home instead of coming to this match and I really doubt anyone would have noticed. In the end, after 12 minutes and 35 seconds, Sharpe loads up the arm brace (which has been "injured" for over twenty years now) and nails Cheetah Kid with a clothesline for the pin. Why can't someone clothesline me now and save me from this?
And now it's on to the "Special Women's Match". It's former NWA Women's Champion Misty Blue against her arch-rival, Linda Dallas. I remember all of those posters and pictures of Misty Blue back in the 80's and she had such an awesome figure and body. And Linda Dallas wasn't a slouch either. And I look at them now and the first thoughts that came to my mind was "someone needs to stay away from the buffet table". Both women had, at this point, gotten really huge in the waist and butts. They were still wearing their wrestling gear from a few years earlier though and there was far too much (unintentionally) exposed flesh for my taste. All I can do is wonder, "what happened". And "wide loads".
The match started off OK with some amateur moves, but quickly became the typical lame woman's match. A "butt-buster". Some screaming and arguing with the fans by Dallas. Misty with the "chinlock of doom" for what seemed like hours. Dallas with headlocks and hair-pulls and chokes. Dallas bites Misty on the hand. Misty bites Dallas on the butt. I'm biting my knuckles in frustration.
These two "veteran professionals" are making those classic Jackie Gayda versus Linda Miles matches from Tough Enough look like Flair - Steamboat here. Finally, after Dallas nearly pops out of her top, Misty hits the airplane spin and gets the pin. Damn, that was bad. Very bad. It can't get any worse. Oh wait - the main event is coming up next. So maybe it can.
The next (and final) match is The Iron Sheik versus Nikolai Volkoff. Sheik has with him some local guy as his manager. I think they said the name was Ali San Sur or something like that. Doesn't matter though. Sheik cuts another promo insulting the American fans at ringside and Nikolai comes to the ring. He gets the mic and after butchering the English language with his attempt at a promo, Nikolai gets the mic. Looks like he's going to sing.
Nikolai sings and the Sheik attacks. Sheik chokes Nikolai using his robe and turban and the referee just stands there clueless.
Nikolai fights back with some thrusts and the match is on. They throw punches - they throw kicks - and in probably the only "wrestling" move of the match, Sheik gives Nikolai a suplex. Sheik uses the "foreign object" from his tights and the referee sees everything, but is still just clueless. Nikolai fights back and gets the foreign object and they brawl some more and go outside the ring and out from under the tent while one lone security guard breaks them up and the ref counts ten for a double-countout. Lame.
And that's the end of the video. They advertised Bam Bam Bigelow and it never happened. They advertised Freddy Blassie singing "Pencil Necked Geek" and it never happened. Instead, we got four awful matches that, if they were to take place as dark matches in the WWE, all participants would be ejected from the arena and told to never, ever return. I only paid one dollar for this DVD and I feel like I was ripped off, big time.
So if you ever see this DVD, "Grand Masters of Wrestling: First Blood Vol. 1" in your discount bin at the local video store, don't bother. On the scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the highest, I'd give it a 1. And that's because I'm a nice guy. This wasn't even good in a cheezy-bad way - it was just bad. Some matches should never be shown again after the original match. I just witnessed four of them and I'm just hoping it doesn't scar me for life. I think I'd rather watch Lady GaGa jump out of a cake or something. Geez!
Anyhow, that's my review and that's my opinion. Comments and thoughts are welcome - just drop me a line at Doug28352@yahoo.com. Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace and at Facebook at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me at both sites. You know you want to.
I'm Doug and on that note, I'm out of here. I'll be back later though with another video review. It's the same series, Grand Masters of Wrestling: First Blood and next time, it'll be Volume 2. Are you ready for that? I'm not sure if I am, but it'll be here tomorrow so look for it.
And dat' is all de' people need to know. I'm Doug and I'm down and I'm gone. Ubuntu!
No comments:
Post a Comment