May 8, 2009
So Yeah - Memories Suck!
Current mood:okay
It's been so long since I thought about this. I had hoped that the memories were buried for good, locked away never to return. I should have known better.
(Flashback to 1974 - 1975)
The eight year old boy is playing with his toys. His Mom has gone out with her older boyfriend again and most of the other kids are home at the apartment. But this kid didn't want to stay home. So he came over to the boyfriend's house to stay for the night. The boyfriend's teenage son, Greg, has volunteered to baby-sit.
Not long after the two parents leave for the night, Greg's best friend, Fritz comes over to visit. Greg is 15 years old - Fritz is 16.
After a little while of watching TV and talking among themselves, generally ignoring the antics of the hyper child bouncing around the house and begging for attention, Greg and Fritz decided to have a little fun and play with the boy for a bit.
First it was playful wrestling and just general horseplay. Frtiz suggested to the boy that maybe he remove his shirt so it doesn't get all ruffled up. The boy complies and with smiles on their faces, Fritz and Greg also remove their shirts.
This continues for a bit and somehow moves from the living room area into Greg's bedroom. Just fun and games - lots of grabbing and touching and wrestling around. And somehow, in the midst of it all, the boys pants have been removed and he's bare assed and naked. Greg and Fritz share a smile between them and since they don't want the kid to be embarassed or stand out with his nakedness, they remove their pants too.
So now we have two naked teenage boys and a naked eight year old boy, desperate for their attention and approval. Fritz suggests another game and he playfully wrestles the small child to the bed - and starts rubbing his crotch in the childs face. "Just open your mouth and lick it", he suggests. The kid heistates at first, but these are his friends. They'd never make him do anything wrong or bad. He was told to trust them - they're older - they'll take care of him.
So he opens his small mouth.
And it begins - first Fritz and then Greg, using the small child as their sex toy. Sometimes, they'd make him use his hands. Sometimes his mouth. And other times, it got more complicated and painful.
This continued for close to two years. At least once a week, the small boy would be dropped off at the house while his Mom and her boyfriend would go out. Greg was happy to baby-sit and he could be trusted, right? So Greg and his best friend, Fritz, looked after the boy, played with the boy, cared for the boy, and used the boy as their play-thing. And would warn the boy everytime not to tell anyone or else they'd get in trouble and wouldn't be his friends anymore.
So the boy went along with it. He loved his friends and their attention and although it was kind of weird, he didn't care what they did so long as they payed attention to him and included him in their little group.
And then, as teenage boys do, Greg and Fritz had an argument, over a girl and Fritz quit coming around. Greg still baby-sitted the small boy on occasion, but was getting more interested in girls and drinking and doing other things. And the small games tapered off and finally just quit.
The boy would still see his grown-up friend on occasion, but nothing ever happened again. Greg was rarely home and didn't have the time for a small kid to be underfoot. And eventually, the small boy just kind of moved on and forgot about his two baby-sitters. He just buried it all to the back of his mind and it was forgotten, to be thought of never again.
Except in the occasional dream from out of left field. I don't know what stirs up the memories - it could be a story I read, a newpaper clipping, an old picture, etc.
I had that dream again today. That boy was me and although I am over it, every once in a blue moon, I just remember and can't help but wonder what if this hadn't happened. Why did it happen to me? Did Fritz or Greg ever do it to anyone else or was it just two boys making convenient use of the situation we all found ourselves in? Is this the reason I'm gay now? So many questions and so few answers are readily available.
I looked up Greg on the internet not so long ago. He's living in Raleigh and seems to be doing OK. I even have a current address and phone number. I can't find Fritz. I don't know if he's still alive or dead. Greg is 50 now - and Fritz should be 51.
I sometimes think I'd like to look them up - see them again and just ask them why? Why did they use an 8-year old boy for their sex toy? Was it malicious intent? Was it actually trying to be nice and include me in their "games" and make me feel as if I was part of their group - a "bonding ritual".
Or was it just, as I'm inclined to think, two teenage boys looking for a release and convenience and not really thinking of the consequences or severity of the situation.
I don't even feel ill will or contempt for thoe two guys. I don't hate them - I feel confusion and just kind of empty. It's an emptiness that occupies a lot of my body, my soul, my spiirit. I'm comfortable with who I am now and what I am, but I still have the sense that I lost something, I'm missing a key ingredient to being complete and a whole person - and I think that it can be traced back to this situation - and these young men.
I've never talked about this, not in detail, to anyone. And I don't even know why I'm doing it now except that I'm feeling an urge, a compulsion, that's hard to resist. I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy or anything else. I'm just tired of waking up from strange dreams and I know I need to exorcise this demon from my life.
And now I think I have.
Thanks for listening.
Ubuntu!
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