Woo Woo Woo (A Zack Ryder / WWE Fiction)

Woo Woo Woo (A WWE / Zack Ryder Fiction)...


WWE Superstar Zack Ryder is sitting in the WWE locker-room, talking on his cell phone.

"Yeah, I know but....", he said into the phone. "But still... okay, you got it! Woo Woo... Hello? Hello?"

"Damn, she hung up on me", Zack swore loudly, clicking his phone shut.

"Yo, what's wrong brother?", R-Truth said as he walked up and sat down on the locker-room bench next to Ryder.

"It's this woman I've been seeing", Ryder said. "She's crazy!"

"All women are crazy", Truth said. "And that's the truth! What's wrong with your lady?"

"She just doesn't appreciate all of this", Ryder said, flexing and showing off his six-pack. "She gets mad when I'm not able to be there or see her and when I do have time, she's too busy."

"Sound like a cheating-ass ho to me", Truth said. "How serious are you with this ho?"

"Not too serious. We've gone out a few times and everything, but when I start trying to get close, she pushes me away."

"Well, you know what I think", Truth said, getting serious. "It's a conspiracy to hold you back... just like they're holding me back. Don't nobody want The Truth to succeed... not John Morrison, not that anonymous GM, not John Cena, not anybody... And it's because they're jealous..."

"Why are they jealous, Ron?", Ryder asked. "After all, you're only marginally talented, out of shape, a lousy singer and you smoke..."

"What did you say?", Truth started yelling. "What did you say?"

"After all, you're not Zack Ryder. Woo Woo Woo!", Zack continued

"You're part of it", Truth yelled. "Nobody likes the Truth! Everyone is against the Truth! But I'm gonna show you! And Morrison! And Cena! And everyone in the WWE! Cause I will be the main event! I will be the top superstar! And that is the Truth!"

"Yeah, yeah, you know it!", Ryder said as R-Truth began to stand up and scream about conspiracies and the man!

Zack got up and walked out of the room and down the hallway where he ran into The Big Red Machine, Kane.

"Ryder", Kane sneered as he walked by.

"Hey Kane", Zack said.

"I heard you have woman problems", Kane said.

"Boy, news travels fast", Zack frowned.

"Actually, I overheard you talking to Truth. That guy is nuts!", Kane smiled.

"Yeah, Ron does have a few issues", Zack agreed.

"You want to know how to handle women?", Kane said.

"You know how to deal with women, Kane?", Zack asked.

"Of course I do", Kane growled. "I'm not Michael Cole!"

"The only women that Cole knows are inflatable", Ryder joked.

"That joke wasn't funny the first thirty times Lawler used it", Kane said. "And it's not funny now!"

"Who's joking?", Ryder said.

"So do you want to know how to have a successful relationship with women or not?", Kane asked.

"Yeah, you know it!", Ryder said.

"Well, first you stalk them for several months before kidnapping them and locking them away in a dark and quiet place", Kane started.

"Is that even legal?", Ryder asked.

"And then, you find out if they're interested in any other guys. If they are, then beat up those guys and set them on fire", Kane continued.

"Set them on fire?", Zack asked.

"Yeah, do you have a problem with that?", Kane asked, glaring at Ryder.

"Ummm... no", Zack said. "Don't hurt me!"

"And after that, you impregnate them with your demon seed!", Kane said. "And force them to marry you in a farce of a wedding ceremony!"

"Wasn't all of that just a storyline with you and Lita?", Ryder asked.

"Lita!", Kane yelled. "I gave her everything I had. I loved her! I loved her! And she left me. For Matt Hardy! And then Edge!!"

"Kane... Kane, are you okay?", Zack started to ask, but backed away.

Kane was standing now and the entire area was engulfed in a bright red light. Kane's face was filled with pain and anxiety and anger as he screamed loudly into the air.

"LITA", Kane screamed.

"I think I'm going to go now", Ryder said quietly as he began to back away before turning and going into an all-out run to get away as Kane raised and lowered his arms, fire and flames exploding from the walls.

Ryder didn't look back. He ran faster and faster down the hallways of the arena before literally running into The Big Show. Zack hit the Big Show hard and bounced off the huge 7'0, 500lb frame of the World's Largest Athlete.

"Watch where you're running, Zack", Big Show said. "You might hurt someone."

"Oh wow", Zack said. "It's Kane. He's going nuts!"

"Let me guess", Show said. "Screaming about Lita. Setting things on fire. Stuff like that?"

"You know it", Ryder said. "How did you know?"

"It's his time of the month", Show said. "Remember, I'm his tag team partner. I'm used to this!"

"Does he always get this way?", Ryder asked.

"Yeah", Show smiled. "But he'll beat someone up and he'll be fine."

"Are you sure?", Ryder asked.

"Yeah, let me show you", Show smiled.

Big Show looked around the room and spotted Alex Riley chatting with Alicia Fox.

"Hey Riley, come here", Show yelled across the room to the young rookie.

Alex Riley looked up and quickly came over to where Show and Ryder were standing.

"Do me a favor and go tell Kane that I need to see him", Show said. "I think he's in our dressing room."

"Okay", Riley said and quickly walked off, whistling and smiling as he left.

After a few seconds, Show waved to Zyder and signaled him to follow him. Show and Ryder moved quietly and quickly down the hallways towards the locker room that Show shared with Kane. Just out of sight from the doorway, Show signaled Ryder to stop as they watched Alex Riley knock on the door and then enter.

"Hey Kane", Riley said as he entered the doorway. "Show is looking for you and.... "

As Big Show and Zack Ryder listened outside the door, they heard the loud thumping sounds of Alex Riley being thrown around the room and screaming in pain and agony. And then, with a loud piercing scream and a crash, the body of Alex Riley came flying and crashing through the door.

"Damn!", Ryder said, his mouth falling open.

And then Kane came casually walking out, pulling up his elbow-pad, a sick and demented smile on his face. He spotted Ryder and Big Show and walked over to them, stepping over the unconcious body of Alex Riley.

"Hey Show, you're looking for me? Let's go get something to eat", Kane smiled.

"Sounds good to me", Big Show smiled he slapped Kane on the back.

Kane turned to Ryder.

"And Zack, if you need any more advice on women, just let me know!", Kane laughed.

Kane and Big Show walked off laughing as Zack Ryder watched in amazement.

"They're crazy... that's it. They're just crazy", he muttered to himself.

"Who's crazy?", a voice came from behind him.

Ryder turned around to see "Stone Cold" Steve Austin standing behind him.

"Big Show and Kane", Ryder said.

Austin looked down at the still unconcious body of Alex Riley laying there and the destroyed doorway.

"Wait until Vince gets the bill for that door", Austin said. "Then you'll see crazy! So who set the big red sonovabitch off?"

"Well, he heard that I'd had some woman problems and... "

"And he got all crazy screaming about Lita and that baby they didn't have and started freakin out", Austin smirked.

"Yeah", Ryder said. "Show said it was his time of the month. And then he beat up Alex and was good again."

"He's a crazy bastard", Austin agreed. "So what's the deal with your woman problems, Ryder?"

"Just this girl I've been seeing off and on", Ryder said, but Austin cut him off.

"She's needing money?", Austin said.

"What?", Ryder said.

"She's a money-grabber?", Austin said.

"No, she...", Ryder tried to say, but Austin was on a roll.

"She's cheating?"

"What?"

"She's dating your brother?"

"What?"

"She wants to live at your house?"

"What?"

"She eats in bed and makes a mess?"

"What?"

"She's a transvestite?"

"What?"

"She can't cook a steak?"

"What?"

"She makes Debra cookies?"

"What?"

And on and on and on it went. Finally, Ryder cut Steve Austin off.

"She just acts all fickle. One minute, she complains about me not having any time to spend with her and then the next moment, she doesn't want to see me", Ryder complained.

"You know what you need, son?", Austin said. "A beer!"

"What? Get her drunk?", Ryder asked.

"No", Austin said with a frown. "Although, looking at you and your sorry ass, it probably wouldn't hurt!"

"So who's the beer for?",Ryder asked.

"You, you silly goose", Austin laughed. "Beer is better than a crazy old woman. All the women do is take your kids and go to England or else sue you for domestic violence. Beer is your friend forever."

"Doesn't that get kind of lonely?", Ryder asked.

"Hell no", Austin snapped. "I've got my hunting dogs. I've got my pick-up trucks! I've got my beer. It's the Stone-Cold way and that's the bottom line cause I just said so!"

"I think I'd rather have a woman", Ryder said.

"Well, you're a dumb sonovabitch", Austin said. "Stick with the beer. It ain't gonna sue you for alimony or trash talk you on Larry King!"

"Uh, yeah", Ryder said. "I've gotta go. See you later, Steve."

"Come on by the Tough Enough house some time", Austin said. "You can talk to the kids and tell them about that waka waka waka thing you do."

"That's Woo Woo Woo", Ryder said. "Not waka waka waka."

"Woo woo woo or waka waka waka... doesn't mean a damn thing to me", Austin said as he walked off.

After Austin left, Ryder stood there alone for a few minutes pondering what to do. A voice interupted his musings.

"Excuse me! I said excuse me!"

Zack turned around and standing there was Vickie Guerrero.

"Hi Vickie", Zack said.

"Hello Zack", Vickie said. "I heard that you've been having woman problems."

"Does everyone know?", Ryder muttered in frustration. "How did you hear?"

"Well, Eve told Santino who told Kozlov who told Gabriel and Slater who told Cena who told Josh Matthews who told Trish, who heard it from Natayla, who got it from CM Punk, who heard it from Miz, who got the word from Khali who heard it from Cody who saw it on Shawn Davari's twitter."

"But how did you hear about it, Vickie?", Ryder asked.

"Well, Layla told Rey who told Booker, who in turn told the Bulldog, who IM'ed Jim Ross, who told Mark Henry, who told Mistico who had no idea what was going on, but told Tyson anyhow who then told Evan Bourne and Hornswoggle, who told Ron Simmons, who said 'DAMN!'."

"So who told you?", Ryder asked Vickie.

"Chavito", Vickie smiled. "Chris Masters told him."

"So it's all over the company", Ryder said disgustedly. "Damn it! It's all Drew McIntyre's fault!"

"Why Drew?", Vickie asked.

"Because if I blame Sheamus, he'll kick my ass!", Zack said.

"Probably", Vickie agreed. "So who did you ask for advice?"

"I talked to R-Truth, Kane and Steve Austin", Ryder admitted.

"That's where you're messing up", Vickie said. "If you're having problems with a woman, then you need a woman to help you out!"

Zack thought about that for a second and agreed.

"You're right, Vickie",he said. "I'll go talk to Kelly Kelly!"

"Excuse me", Vickie said. "Excuse me!"

"What Vickie?", Zack asked innocently.

"I meant ask me, you idiot! I'm a woman!", she shreiked.

"You are?... I mean, yeah, you are", Zack said. "You'd help me out, Vickie? Would you?"

"Of course I would", Vickie said as she regained her composure. "And I will."

"So what should I do?", Zack asked.

"Forget that woman", Vickie smiled. "She knows you're very busy as a WWE superstar and don't have much free time. So if she can't arrange her schedule to work with yours, then who needs her?"

"I do", Zack said.

"No, you don't", Vickie said. "Because I'm going to fix you up with a WWE Diva."

"You're kidding, right?", Zack said. "Who? Because I don't want any of Punk's leftovers."

"Don't worry about that", Vickie smiled. "She's new to the WWE and the wolves haven't had the chance to move in yet."

"New? Is it one of the girls from Florida, because they are HOT!", Ryder said.

"You'll see", Vickie smiled again as she took Ryder by the hand and led him to a secluded dressing room.

"Go into that room and all of your dreams will come true", Vickie said. "And you won't even think about that other woman again."

"This is for real, right Vickie? I mean, you're not ribbing me, are you?", Ryder said.

"You have my word as a Guerrero", Vickie said. "I just like to see people happy. Now go in that door."

Ryder stood at the door for a moment and looked back at Vickie, who encouraged him to go ahead. Taking a deep breath, Ryder opened the door to reveal a darkened room. And the sounds of a crazed, maniacial laugh filled the air. Standing in the middle of the room, laughing insanely, was Kharma.

Suddenly, Kharma turned and glared at Zack. A smile formed on her face as she slowly walked over to where Ryder, frozen in shock, was standing. She looked him over and ran her hands across his six-pack stomach. She smiled even more.

"I like", Kharma said quietly before breaking out in laughter again and walking away.

Vickie put her arm around Zack, who was just standing there, not moving.

"So, what do you think?", Vickie asked.

Zack quietly turned and looked at Vickie, a mixture of fear, confusion and disgust on his face. And then, slowly, the facial expression changed and a smile formed on Zack's face.

"What do I think?", he said. "Woo Woo Woo! You got it!", he laughed.

And with that, Zack broke away from Vickie and walked farther into the room towards Kharma.

"Hey Babe, you like what you see? Woo Woo Woo!", he said. happily.

Vickie Guerrero smiled as she watched the scene unfold before her and then quietly backed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

"I love to help out", she smiled, a small tear running down her face. Then she spotted Jack Swagger walking down the hall.

"If I could help out Ryder, maybe I can help out Jack too", she thought to herself.

"Hey Jack", Vickie shrieked. "Excuse me! Excuse me!"

THE END (?)