A/N: I was watching the Oprah Network (yeah, I'm bored) and started wondering why she never had the kind of guests on that I like. And an idea popped into my head. And here is the result...
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Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Oprah Winfrey Show. And now, here's Oprah...
Oprah: Thank you and welcome to my show. As everyone knows, this is the final season of the Oprah Winfrey Show and I want to go out on a high note with only the biggest and best guests. So I was talking to my B.F.F. Gayle...
Gayle (from off-stage): Love you, O...
Oprah: Love you too, G... I was talking to Gayle about who would be a great guest for the final season. We went through all the usual names... Tom Cruise, Cher, Elton John, Madonna, Paul McCartney, Pauly Shore, President Obama...
(Large Chicago crowd cheers)
Oprah (mouthing to the crowd): I got him his job, you know...
(Crowd cheers some more)
Oprah: You all are such sheep... and I love it...
(Crowd screams and cheers even more)
Oprah: But I'm not giving away any cars today...
Crowd quickly goes silent. The sound of crickets from the back of the studio can be heard.
Oprah: I found a world famous celebrity that has been around for over ffifty years, but to the best of my knowledge... and I know everything because I'm Oprah... he has never sat down and given an interview. Well, today he does. He's an actor. A stuntman. A movie icon and legend. Please welcome... Godzilla.
Godzilla walks in and waves to the crowd before sitting down on the couch.
Oprah: Thank you Godzilla for sitting down and agreeing to this interview.
Godzilla: Not a problem. But I want to make it clear from the start that I can not say for sure if that is my crotch or not in that Twitter shot. I believe my account was hacked.
Oprah: What are you talking about?
Godzilla: Isn't this about that picture of my crotch that I tweeted to several women in the Washington D.C. area?
Oprah: No. This is your very first interview ever so that fans around the world can learn about the King of the Monsters.
Godzilla: Oops! Forget I said anything. Can we start over?
Oprah: We'll fix that in editing. So how does it feel to be sitting down for your very first interview ever?
Godzilla: This isn't my first interview. Barbara Walters interviewed me for Saturday Night Live in the late 70's.
Oprah: No, she didn't. That was Gilda Radner, dressed as Barbara Walters. So it doesn't count.
Godzilla: Are you sure? She said she was Barbara Walters.
Oprah: I'm sure. I had my producers look it up and research it.
Godzilla: I think you're wrong.
Oprah: I am Oprah! I am NEVER wrong. And you'd do well to remember that, Lizard Boy... if you don't want to end up as a pair of shoes for Stedman.
Godzilla: Okay, if you say so. Don't get all hostile.
Oprah: I AM not hostile. I am Oprah! So, tell me Godzilla, what is a typical day in the life of Godzilla?
Godzilla: It's nothing too fancy. Just sitting around on Monster Island, playing shuffle-board with Rodan or listening to Mothra sing Lady GaGa songs.
Oprah: Mothra likes Lady GaGa?
Godzilla: Yes, he's a big fan of hers. He also likes Jay Z, Tim McGraw and Merle Haggard.
Oprah: That sounds fascinating. What else do you do on Monster Island?
Godzilla: Well, Kong likes to throw feces at the natives. He's a real animal.
Oprah: Speaking of Kong... or as we know him better, King Kong, who actually won the fight between you two? I know that in the classic film, Godzilla versus King Kong, there were two endings filmed with you winning one and Kong winning the other. So who would win in a real fight between you two?
Godzilla: Me, of course. Kong is just a big monkey. I can throw things too, plus I've got this cool radioactive breath that I can blow things up with.
Oprah: So why two endings?
Godzilla: Merchandising. Kong was the bigger star at the time here in the States. I was (and still am) more popular in the rest of the world. So we filmed two endings and all the fans were happy. And we made a killing with t-shirts and foam fingers.
Oprah: Amazing. We have to take a commerical break now, but when we come back, we'll talk to Godzilla about the new movie monsters and rumors about a future in politics. We'll be right back.
(Cut to commercial)
Oprah: Well, we're back and talking to the King of the Monsters, Godzilla. You were telling me during the break that you are actually the father of lady wrestler and WWE superstar Kharma's unborn child.
Godzilla: I never said that. I just said that I was a fan of the WWE and met Kharma when the WWE was touring Japan a few months ago.
Oprah: And you had an illicit affair with her and are now wanting a paternity test to determine if that baby is really yours?
Godzilla: What are you talking about?
Oprah: We don't do that here. We're a respectable show. We'll call the Maury people for you if you'd like. Or you can talk to Dr. Phil.
Godzilla: I don't know what you're talking about.
Oprah: It doesn't matter... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla just stares at her.
Oprah: So I understand you're interested in politics? Are you running for the Republican nomination for President of the United States?
Godzilla: I never said anything about politics.
Oprah: Can you even run for office here in the United States? Are you a citizen?
Godzilla: I am not running for office. I am not a citizen of the United States. I have dual citizenship in Monster Island and Japan. And unlike some I could mention, I actually have a birth certificate.
Oprah: So if you get the Republican nomination, what will be your message to the American people?
Godzilla: Have you heard a word that I've said?
Oprah: And we'll be back...
(Commercial break)
Oprah: We're back and talking to Godzilla. It's been quite a while since you've made any new movies. Why the long break?
Godzilla: Well, it's not me. I'm in great shape and ready to make some movies. But all the rage now is vampires and werewolves.
Oprah: Like the Twilight series. What do you think about the new monsters that are dominating the movie screens?
Godzilla: Team Edward? Team Jacob? How about Team Make Me Want To Barf?
Oprah: So you're not a fan?
Godzilla: I'd like to see those two girly-man monster wanna-be's take on Monster Zero and see how long they last.
Oprah: Are there any new monsters that you do like?
Godzilla: I like Donald Trump.
Oprah: I know Donald and he's not a monster.
Godzilla: Are you sure? Because there is definitely something scary about that hair.
Oprah: The hair might be, but Donald himself isn't. Anyone else?
Godzilla: I also like Snooki. Or are you going to try and tell me that she's not a real monster either.
Oprah: No, she is. As evil as they come too.
Godzilla: With a name like Snooki, what do you expect?
Oprah: She even scares me and that's hard to do... because I'm OPRAH!
Godzilla: You like to say your name a lot, don't you?
Oprah: I just don't want anyone to forget who the boss is.
Godzilla: I hear you!
Oprah: So what plans do you have for the future? What can we expect to hear or see from Godzilla in the months or years to come?
Godzilla: I have a book coming out next year. And I've been invited to appear on Dancing With The Stars next season. And I've got an album coming out too.
Oprah: Really?
Godzilla: Of course not, you idiot. I'm freakin' Godzilla. I'm a monster. I fight other monsters. I destroy the Japanese countryside.
Oprah: So what will your book be about?
Godzilla: There is no book! Are you paying any attention to any of my answers? Are you even listening to anything I say?
Oprah: Maybe you can write about your campaign for President.
Godzilla: I give up!
Oprah: We're nearly out of time...
Godzilla: Thank goodness!
Oprah: I do want to address one more thing before we go. In your movies, you are a giant, eighty-foot tall monster who weighs at least a ton. But you're sitting here across from me on the couch and you're not really that big.
Godzilla: It's the camera.
Oprah: The camera?
Godzilla; Yeah. Haven't you ever heard that the camera adds about thirty pounds.
Oprah: I've heard that.
Godzilla: Well, the cameras we used for those movies added about sixty-five hundred pounds.
Oprah: Ouch!
Godzilla: I think you used the same cameras here, judging by your appearance in those early shows.
Oprah: That's not funny!
Godzilla: I thought it was.
Oprah: Well, we've got to go. My thanks to Godzilla for being my guest. Remember to watch the Oprah Winfrey Network on your cable TV and don't forget to read Oprah Magazine.
Godzilla; Is that it?
Oprah: That's it! Good bye!
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