A/N: Had an idea for a long fic about a super-concert event with all of my favorite singers, etc. The idea has been nagging at me for a few days. So I decided to see what I could come up with. And it's not quite was I was expecting. These things pretty much write themselves anyhow and I'm just along for the ride. But what the heck. It's all good. Enjoy!
***
"Blast, spit and hades", Sharon Osbourne cursed into the phone. "Well, to hell with you!"
"Sharon, what's wrong?", Ozzy Osbourne asked as he walked into the room.
"I was just on the phone with an idiot record executive", Sharon screeched. "And he had the nerve to say that no one gives a rats ass about your music anymore. You're too freakin' old!"
"I'm not too old", Ozzy protested. "Our last tour sold out all over the world."
"I know that and you know that, but you know how these idiots are. It's nearly impossible to get any radio play and everything is geared towards those young kids like Justin Beiber and Bruno Mars.
"I like Justin", Ozzy said with a smile. "He's a smart young lad!"
"I like him too", Sharon said with a sigh. "But what pisses me off is that his generation is all the radio and music execs care about. They keep telling me that you're too old!"
"So why don't we prove them wrong?", Ozzy asked.
"Easier said than done", Sharon remarked. "Unless we can come up with a single and sell ten million copies so we can tell those bastards what to do with their old age remarks."
"Why don't we do that then?", Ozzy asked.
"What? Sell ten million singles?", Sharon asked.
"Probably not", Ozzy said, "but we can get about twenty or twenty-five million viewers."
"What are you thinking about?", Sharon asked her husband.
"Well, I was watching VH1 last night and they were replaying those Diva concerts."
"I remember those things", Sharon said. "They did really well in the ratings and showcased a lot of great talent."
"So why don't we do one of those concerts, but instead of Divas, we use old rockers? I'm sure that we could get up a pretty fair group of guys and girls who can't get any radio airplay or promotion by the record companies for being too old. We could get together, throw one helluva concert live on the TV, get some great ratings and tell everyone to kiss our ass!"
Sharon thought about it for a few minutes.
"That's a bloody smashing idea. You really want to do it?"
"Hell yes", Ozzy shouted.
"I really do like this idea", Sharon smiled. "And we can make it a charity event too so all the money goes to the charities instead of the record companies."
"Good!", Ozzy grinned. "Don't give those cheeky bastards anything!"
"Let me go make some phone calls and see what I can work out", Sharon said.
"Call MTV", Ozzy said. "I want it on MTV. They haven't played any music in twenty years. It's all reality shows and sixteen year old baby-mama's. I want to bring the music back to MTV!"
"I'm on it", Sharon said.
**
A few weeks later at the Osbourne home...
"Sharon", Ozzy yelled. "The dogs have pooed in the kitchen floor."
"Well, clean it up!", Sharon said as she walked into the room. "My little darlings don't know any better!"
"I wish I was still crazy and on drugs", Ozzy muttered. "I'd bite their yappy little heads off"
"What was that?", Sharon asked.
"Nothing dear", Ozzy muttered. "Did you check into that idea about the big concert on TV for charity for all of us old timers?"
"I did", Sharon said. "And MTV liked the idea, but wants instead to have you do a guest spot on Jersey Shore."
"Jersey Shore?", Ozzy screamed. "Me doing a cameo with Snooki? I won't freakin' do it! Bloody hell!"
"That's what I said too", Sharon said calmly. "So then I called around to a few other people. And finally got the go ahead. Three hours live on prime-time TV with an all-star concert for charity."
"That's great! Which network wants to air it?", Ozzy asked.
"Oprah", Sharon said quietly.
"What the ...", Ozzy swore. "Did you just say bloody freakin' Oprah?"
"She wants to do it on her network", Sharon said.
"I hope you told her to piss off", Ozzy said. "There's no freakin' way I'm doing a concert on Oprah!"
"Well, she's the only one who wants to air it. And she is the most powerful woman in television", Sharon said.
"But she's loud and bossy and you know I can't stand women like that", Ozzy said.
Sharon just glared at him with a cold, hard, cutting glare of a stare.
"Okay, call the bleedin' cow", Ozzy said. "Have we decided who we can get for the show?"
"I'll get all the information together with the dates and the logistics. Meanwhile, you get on the telly and see if you can round up some bodies."
"Who the hell am I supposed to call?", Ozzy asked.
"I don't care", Sharon said. "Look in your old address book. Find some rockers, some rappers... anyone who used to be big time and can't get a call back from the record company these days. Get a good mix. Use your imagination!"
"I hate freakin' rappers", Ozzy shouted.
"Well, I don't care what you hate", Sharon said. "I'll take of that then. You find some rockers and pop stars. Maybe even a country artist or two as well."
"I hate freakin' country music", Ozzy shouted.
"And again, I don't care!", Sharon shouted back. "You find me about five or six big names to perform and I'll find a couple of country and rap guys to round out the mix."
"Who the heck should I call?", Ozzy asked.
"Look in your address book", Sharon said as she laid Ozzy's battered old address book down in front of him. "I'll be on my cell working on the logistics for the show."
Sharon opened her cell phone as she walked into the other room.
"Logistics my rosy red ass", Ozzy muttered to himself.
Ozzy sat there for a few moments and stared at the phone and his address book."
"I wonder who would want to do this show with us?", he asked himself. "I know Alice is touring. So are Poison and Motley Crue. So who the hell should I call?"
Ozzy picked up his address book and flipped it open, staring at the page and the numbers on it.
"May as well start big", Ozzy muttered as he dialed a number.
He let it ring for a few moments and then heard someone pick up on the other end of the line.
"Hey, this is Ozzy Osbourne! Do you want to do a show?", he said to the other person. "Well, listen to what I'm proposing!"
**
And so it happened. A big event. A live four hour concert on the Oprah Winfrey Network with all proceeds going to charity. And what an all-star lineup. Ozzy and Sharon worked their contacts and before all was said and done, a mega-concert event was born. It's "Ozzypalooza"... starring Ozzy Osbourne. With very special guests: Sebastian Bach, Iggy Pop, Judas Priest, Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Betty Wright, Bette Midler, Billy Idol, Biz Marke, Doug E. Fresh, Meatloaf, Cher, Donny and Marie Osmond, Peter Frampton, Charlie Daniels, David Allen Coe, Hank Williams Jr., The B-52's, Hall & Oates, The Manhattan Transfer, Janet Jackson, Diana Ross, Tom Petty, Tone Loc, Aerosmith, Kid & Play, Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney...
The show went off without a hitch. Everyone performed a melody of their greatest hits and we saw some great duets and pairings. The ratings were great and the show was viewed by over twenty-five million viewers and raised millions of dollars for charity.
**
Cut to Ozzy Osbourne laying his bed and just waking up.
"My bloody head hurts", he muttered. " I knew I shouldn't have had that fourth helping of Sharon's meatloaf"
Ozzy stirred around for a bit and tried to clear the cobwebs from his head.
"And what a dream that was?", he sighed. "All those musicians! The greatest show on earth, bar none!"
Ozzy sat up in his bed.
"But it doesn't have to be a dream", he said to himself. "Maybe we can make it happen."
Ozzy sat there for a few minutes. And then he muttered again to himself. "Why not?"
Taking a deep breath, Ozzy yelled across the house...
"Sharon"...
THE END (?)
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