Ladies and Gentleman...the most exciting wrestling
column you've ever witnessed...appearing live...Doug E
Fresh!
"Excuse me Doug E Fresh...
Yes!
Have you ever seen a show with fellas on the mic
with one minute rhymes that don't come out right They
bite.
They never write
That's not polite. Am I lyin'?
No, you're quite right
Well tonight on this very mic you're about to hear
We swear, the best darn rappers of the year
So!
So!
Cheerio!
Yell...
Scream...
Bravo! Also, if you didn't know this is called The
Show"
~ Doug E. Fresh & MC Ricky D - "The Show" ~
Six Minutes... Six Minutes... Six Minutes Dougie Fresh
- you're on..
And so it begins. A new era in sports entertainment
and the world of Internet wrestling columns. I'm the
Saltmesiter, Doug M. or as I guess I'll be labeled
after this column hits the net, Doug E. Fresh - the
2005 edition. Not bad for a redneck white boy from
NC, don't ya think!
Most of ya'll know me - if you didn't - you soon will.
I'm a rapidly aging convenient store clerk from
Laurinburg, NC - a life-long fan of professional
wrestling, and, for the past year and half, author of
the most eclectic wrestling column in the universe,
"Tossing Salt". I've worked for the now-defunct
Wrestling Informer and Lords of Pain. I can now be
found all over the world of Yahoo Groups - and at
www.wrestle-zone.co.uk and my newest home, the
flagship site for "Six Minutes" -
www.thewrestlingheadquarters.com.
So what can you expect from the new column? Well, if
you've ever read "Tossing Salt" - just expect more of
the same. I'm such a one-trick pony, it's almost
ridiculous. But the hours are good and I like to
write, so I'll keep doing it for a while. You're
going to hear about the ups and downs of my surreal
life (no relation to Chyna, Mini-Me and the other
folks at Surreal Life 4 - currently on VH-1). By the
way, Chyna is nuts! You'll hear a lot about that in
the future. You'll hear about my family, friends,
adventures at the store, and occasionally wrestling.
I plan to try and remain a little more focused here at
"6M" than I usually am, but anyone who knows me knows
that won't last for long. I can't help it. I have
the attention span of a small child. My ex also made
some other comparisons to a small child about me...
but what's the old saying about people in glass
houses?
I also need to apologize for the long delay in this
column. I meant to have it out a few days ago, but
things happen. I had a "breakfast date" on Saturday
morning. I left the house at 9:30am to meet with an
old friend. I ended up getting back home at 10:25pm
that night. We also went out Sunday afternoon and
again this morning (Tuesday). Plus, I've been working
the 3rd shift since Sunday night as well, so that
hasn't left much time for playing on the computer and
trying to be creative. But I've been having fun.. and
yes, he is cute so it's all good! And I've come up
with a couple of things that I think will be mildly
amusing. At least I hope so. And if not, well... I
had fun. Did I mention he's cute? Heh! Heh!
So I guess - enough of the ranting and rambling. Time
to get down to business.
Legalities: The views and opinions expressed in this
column are totally whacked and should not be taken
seriously by anyone. I say what I think.. and the
folks here at the websites just post the stuff. Any
comments or complaints - talk to me, me, and only me!
LOOKING AT NEWS... AND EXPRESSING MY VIEWS...
The following news items, unless otherwise noted all
come from the W365 Newsletter by Mike Aldren. He
gives the news... and I give my take immediately
afterwards. Doesn't this sound like fun?
From Mike:
NWA-Florida tag team The Shane Twins (Mike and Todd)
were signed to three-year deals at Raw. They also
worked out in the ring before the show started. WWE
officials have been watching the team for a long time
and Vince McMahon finally made the call to sign them
there and then.
From Me:
This is a great move by the WWE and for the Shane's.
Both guys are over 300lbs (so they have the size that
Vince likes) - but are excellent workers in the ring
as well. And unlike the other set of "twin brothers"
(aka The Bashams) - Mike and Todd are real identical
twins... and can really work that angle well. These
guys have paid their dues time and time again and it's
great to see them finally get the opportunity to
wrestle in the big time.
From Mike:
The worst fears were confirmed for Lita yesterday when
the results of her MRI came back revealing ligament
damage as we first reported here at W365. She has a
torn ACL and will require major surgery. Lesser
informed web reports from the likes of Dave Scherer
and Wade Keller claimed that the injury was only a
minor sprain and wouldn't require surgery, but that
certainly was not the case. She will now be sidelined
for several
months and will be undergoing a similar operation to
that of her boyfriend Matt Hardy. Our best wishes to
Lita on a speedy recovery...
From me:
Just as Matt seems ready to come back to work, Lita
gets sidelined by basically the same type injury.
It's been rough for this couple, but I expect Matt can
really be a great help in helping Lita recover even
more quickly given that he's just gone through the
same thing. For me, the bigger question is, what will
the WWE do now that the Women's Division is down to
only three full time ladies who can actually wrestle?
I hope they didn't throw away Gail Kim and Jazz's
phone numbers - this would be a good time to start
making phone calls. Also, my beloved is still there
and can go with the best - it's time to put that
"Experience" to work where it's best suited - in the
ring. It'll be interesting to see how this turns out
for the Women's Division on Raw. As far as Keller and
Scherer goes, it was obvious to anyone who watched the
PPV that Lita was legit injured and it appeared
serious. Perhaps they should have held off just a bit
before rushing to get the "scoop". My best wishes to
Lita for a speedy recovery.
Mike says:
On a related note, Rob Van Dam has also had an MRI
done after recently hurting his knee. This is
something he has been trying to work through but has
grown worse over time. No word yet on the severity of
his injury.
And I say:
The way RVD moves around, I'm not surprised that his
knee isn't healing properly. He abuses his legs an
knees with every match. Only a long break will give
his body time to heal properly. Best wishes to RVD as
well to heal up and get better soon.
Mike says:
The latest on Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore is that as well
as dislocating his kneecap he also partially tore his
patellar tendon. Dinsmore will be undergoing some more
tests later week once the swelling subsides so
doctor's can decided whether or not surgery is
required. He couldn't bend his leg at all yesterday so
it doesn't look good at this point. I would assume in
any case that Dinsmore and William Regal will be
dropping the tag titles very soon.
My word:
Another tough break and bad injury. But this could be
a blessing in disguise for Nick Dinsmore. The
"Eugene" character is funny and unique, but limiting
in it's role and appeal. It's pretty much run it's
course and is beginning to get stale. This would be a
great opportunity for Dinsmore to attempt to reinvent
himself as he recovers and come back strong after the
stigma of "Eugene" has somewhat faded. Or if that's
not in the works, it will at least dim the memories of
Eugene a bit and make him appear fresher and
revitalized upon his return. A little "Eugene" is
good. Too much gets old quickly. A few months break
while "Eugene" recovers will be good to add life and
energy to the character and extend his life by quite a
bit. This will also allow William Regal to return to
the role he does so well - the heel. He's been
fantastic as the mentor and partner for Dinsmore, but
he's not a natural "face". He's got great comedy
timing and technique - all of which is far more
effective as a dirty rotten scoundrel than as the
lovable old English dude. Anyone getting seriously
injured is never good, but this could end up being the
best thing to happen to both Regal and Dinsmore in the
long run. Get well soon, Nick! Also, best wishes to
Regal who suffered a broken nose dirng the PPV as
well, but it doesn't appear he'll miss any ringtime.
From Mike:
Rhyno would still appear to be in the WWE dog house.
He wasn't booked for New Year's Revolution and was
given the weekend off. Creatively he has been given
nothing for several months aside from a brief tag run
with Tajiri last year. It's a shame that they can come
up with ideas for all these new women with no
wrestling experience but seemingly forget about a man
that has broken his neck for the company...
And my reply:
I agree. I don't know what Rhyno did to cheeze off
the boss, but it's not good! Heidenreich gets a big
push with Undertaker on Smackdown. Tyson Tomko gets
to play bodyguard for Christian. And Rhyno - who can
work circles around both guys - is jobbing to Edge on
Raw. They can push Snitsky, Maria, Christy Hemme,
Luther Reigns, Jindrak, etc... but Rhyno (and Tajiri,
Val Venis, Stevie Richards, etc...) are left in
Velocity and Heat limbo. Something sucks big time
with the WWE creative teams -just another reason
Stephanie needs to go and Paul Heyman needs to be put
in charge - or anyone - but the ones in there now!
From W365:
Former ECW valet and 3PW promoter Jasmin St. Claire
has launched a scathing attack on WWE Diva Dawn Marie.
St. Claire, also an ex-porn star who had sex with over
300 men in a gangbang movie, told the Metal Sludge
website: "Shame on her for f--king around on Simon
Diamond... he was way too good for her anyway. She
looks like a little boy. I wonder how many c--ks she
had to s--k to keep her job there (in WWE). At least
in ECW, it was only one. Sl--bag wh--e." St. Clair
also lashes out at Kevin Nash, Raven, RVD's wife and
Stephanie McMahon who she calls "an untalented spoiled
brat who has, and never will, work for anything in her
life."
And I say:
What did I say earlier about "people in glass houses"?
How can someone with Jasmin's history talk about
anyone else? She can't! I feel sorry for the Blue
Meanie. He's definitely got his hands full with this
piece of work.
Mike reports:
Bill Behrens has been told by TNA that his backstage
services are no longer required. This comes just days
after he met with WWE officials in Stamford, CT to
discuss using his Wildside promotion as a WWE
developmental territory.
My reply:
Behrans is a fantastic promoter and a great guy. By
giving him the heave-ho, TNA continues to slit their
own throat even more. I understand their point -
Behrans is attempting to "sleep with the enemy" - but
I think he just see's the big picture. TNA is dying.
Unless a major miracle occurs, it won't be around this
time next year. Behrans is making the move to ensure
his future and the future of Wildside. More power to
him and I hope the WWE does decide to use Wildside as
a new developmental area. It's a great promotion with
some fantastic workers and storylines. They could
probably even show the WWE a few things here and
there. And Behrans - he's a true professional and
would make a valuable addition to the WWE family. So
TNA says "Adios" - but the future is calling and
saying "Howdy!"
"Kevin has no idea that any feelings were hurt. He
didn't see it as a personal attack; he just looked at
it as a piece of business. It was television and he
was trying to be entertaining. After talking a while,
I got the impression that he was telling the truth and
I calmed down."
~ Arn Anderson (talking about the infamous nWo
"Retirement" skit.) ~
"And then there was Hogan - with all his experience
and all his celebrity - trying to be cute. He whipped
David like a dog. It was sickening, and I'll never
forgive him for it!"
~ Ric Flair (talking about Hulk Hogan puttng the strap
to David Flair - Souled Out 1999 PPV) ~
UNLIKELY GROUP TAKES A BITE OUT OF CRIME...
I found this column in a newspaper last Sunday. It
was funny - but it's not wrestling related. Or it
wasn't. With a little tweaking and one additional
high profile resident of Arizona added to the mix - it
suddenly became a wrestling skit. I hope you enjoy!
Unlikely Group Takes A Bite Out Of Crime...
by syndicated columnist Mark Bazer
(with some additional help by Doug M. and The Warrior)
We're here in Paradise Valley, Ariz. - an exclusive
town that is the home to the likes of pitcher Randy
Johnson, rocker Alice Cooper and former Vice President
Dan Quayle. It is also apparently prime real estate
for burglars. Other prominent residents of Paradise
Valley include fomer NBA star Charles Barkley, retired
news anchor Hugh Downs and convicted Watergate
conspirator G. Gordon Liddy. Also in attendence is The
Warrior.
Hugh Downs: Good evening and welcome to this
emergency meeting of the Paradise Valley
neighborhood-watch committee. I'm Hugh Downs.
Charles Barkley: Hugh, baby, you know you're no longer
on the air, right?
Downs: With us in the meeting tonight is former
basketball great Charles Barkley. Good to have you
here Charles.
Dan Quayle (rotating his index finger around his ear
in a "he's crazy" motion): Looks loke school's out
forever for old Hugh! Get it, everybody! Get it?
I'm quoting one of Alice's very very evil lyrics.
Alice Cooper: Yes, Dan, we get it! Very, very funny.
That'll be five bucks!
Quayle: Five bucks? Whatdo I owe you five bucks for?
Alice: I've got "school's out forever" trademarked.
Anytime anyone says it, they have to send me money.
Quayle (handing over six one-dollar bills): Alice,
your head-banging music has lng undermined the moral
fabric of our society. But I must say, i find your
never-ending attempts to earn cash truly inspiring.
Warrior: The Warriors can depend on The Ultimate
Warrior because YOU, any evil in Paradise Valley can
bring it to the Ultimate Warrior and I’ll give it back
twice as hard. It’s a power. It’s a force field that
nobody can deal with and nobody can stop. It’s an
awesome force and The Ultimate Warrior is the only one
that controls it.
Alice: Talk about a crazy little child!
Barkley: He's out there.
Randy Johnson: People, please! Can we discuss why
we're all here. The rash of burglaries in our
exclusive, incredibly bizarre and once crime free
community? (Under his breath) This trade to the
Yankees better go through soon so can settle down on
a nice safe street in the Bronx.
Barkley: Hey, Liddy! You've been awfully quiet. You
wouldn't happen to know anything about burglaries,
would you?
(G. Gordon Liddy, squatted in a corner, his hands
directly over the flame of a burning candle, perks his
head up.)
Alice: Yes, what up G?
Liddy: Listen, I don't know anything about anything.
I was out every night of the burglaries. I was, um,
on a debate tour with the corpse of Timothy Leary.
Um, you know, even though he's dead, the college kids
still eat our shtick up.
Warrior: A hero, a one time hero, with an unlimited,
yet undisciplined mind, is a dangerous thing. I
intend, the Warrior's intend, to eradicate that
danger.
Quayle: Leave Liddy alone. As a right-wing talk
radio host, he's a true patriot. Have the police
questioned the single mothers in the area? Do any of
the stars of "Desperate Housewives" live here?
Downs: "Desperate Housewives", the ABC nighttime soap
about a bevy of bodacious beauties up to their
brassieres in men, children, and of course, each
other, has taken the nation by storm. Tonight,
Barbara mmets with the leading ladies of Wisteria
Lane.
Johnson: Get a grip, Hugh!
Alice: Someone needs to tell Warrior to get a grip!
Barkley: Hey, Randy, Hugh was fine before you
intentionally beaned him in last year's 4th of July
softball game.
Johnson: Well, Sir Charles, I guess we can't all be
role models like you?
Quayle: Has Charles been knighted?
Barkley (sarcastically): I got an idea. Why doesn't
Randy pelt the burglars with those Right Guard Extreme
Power Caps odor-fighting capsules he uses in that
hilarious commercial of his? (Under his breath) Talk
about uncivilized!
Johnson: First of all, if I did throw odor-fighting
capsules at the burglars, it wouldn't deter them; it
would only make them smell better. Second of all,
Charles, aren't you due for your shift at the
Footlocker about now?
Quayle: Or is it the Lady Footlocker? Heh! Heh!
Warrior: I believe in the power of the individual, you
believe in the mentality of the pack. I believe in the
spirit of Warrior, within all of us, you believe in
steering an unfocused vision, that rewards no one and
belittles all. OWN! One! Warrior! Nation!
Alice: All righty-then.
Quayle: He scares me!
Liddy: He reminds me of Nixon!
Warrior: All the evil in the Paradise Valley can come
face to face and look me eye to eye… they’re going
down!
Liddy: Fellas, fellas, let's not fight amongst
ourselves. We have real enemies - despicable
Democrats trying to rob us of our wealth. We need to
get organized. Gentlemen, we need a leader. I
nominate Alice Cooper to be neighborhood-watch
committee president.
Johnson: I second that.
Liddy: All in favor, say "aye".
In Unison: Aye!
Quayle: Me too!
Warrior: I will look at you and you will realize
then that I have come to do no one no harm, but only
Alice Cooper to take what we both believe in to places
it shall never have been.
Johnson: Doesn that mean yes?
Barkley: Who knows?
Alice: And people call me crazy?
Downs: This just in! Alice Cooper, the shocking
grotesque rock star has been elected president of the
Paradise Valley neighborhood-watch committee.
Quayle: Hey, can I be vice president?
Barkely: Sorry, Dan, I don't think you can handle
that. (others murmur their agreement!)
Johnson: Listen. I've got to go call my agent.
Alice: I should probably get to the MAC store before
it closes.
Barkley: Can I get a lift? I've got to pick up an
oil painting of myself at the frame shop.
Liddy: Yes, look at the time. I'm due to spread
truth, justice and the American way in 15 minutes.
Quayle: And I'm due to spread, um, butter on my
wife's toast... or something.
Warrrior: I intend, the Warrior's intend, to
eradicate that danger. Crime will be destroyed! I
intend... I intend to show the World, that a
revolution is built on better ideas, not belligerant
idiocy!! I intend to show the world a revolution is
based on magnificnence, I intend to show that a
revolution is based on courage, not cowardice. And
that is all that you need to know. Next week Warriors.
The revolution continues. Same Warrior time, Same
Warrior place, Same Warrior channel.
Downs: For all of us at the Paradise Valley
neighborhood-watch committee, good night!
THE END!
"Most wrestling fans have already forgotten him. He's
mid-card talent now!"
~ Ric Flair (talking about Scott Steiner) ~
"That's the strange thing about this business: People
aren't always one way or another. If I made a list of
positives and negatives, I could go back and forth
with Vince Russo. The only one who will never come off
the "a**hole" side of the page is Eric Bischoff."
~ Ric Flair - "To Be The Man" ~
And that's it! So what do you think? Good? Bad?
Let me know! Send feedback, comments, questions, etc.
to either Doug28352@yahoo.com or
Doug@thewrestlingheadquarters.com. And until the next
time, I'm outta here. Ciao, baby! See ya!
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