(Retro) Tiger Tales - July 26, 2009

Tiger Tales
July 26, 2009
Doug "Hobbes" Maynard

Have you ever woke up and your body just hurt? A few hours ago, I decided to go to bed for the night. And I was feeling great. But then, three hours later, I'm waking up and my entire body is stiff and sore. And my neck feels like Jake "The Snake" Roberts has been using me for a practice dummy and has dropped me on my head about a dozen times. Major stiffness and pain. Anyone good at giving neck and shoulder massages? Because I could sure use it right now.

So how are you doing this morning? I'm Doug and this is professional wrestling's most eclectic column ever, "Tiger Tales by Hobbes". But for how much longer, I can't say for sure. I know. Sounds ominous, right? Details and a big time question for everyone (and I want some replies, please!) at the end of the column. But first, let's talk some wrestling.

We have another big WWE PPV coming up this Sunday. It's the "Clash of Champions".

Nope, that's not right. "Clash of Champions" was a WCW show that ran several times a year and had some great entertainment and great matches. Well, most of 'em were good anyhow. But "Night of Champions" is a purely WWE Creation where every single WWE Championship is on the line. Well, every single WWE Championship except for "Miss Wrestlemania". I think that title vanished when Santina Marella was fired by Donald Trump.

Actually, if I recall correctly, wasn't the last WCW Monday Nitro broadcast subtitled the "Night of Champions"? I believe it was.

If the WWE is going to use the WCW titles for their shows, why don't they just rename this one "Starcade" and be done with it? They should resurrect the name of the first annual "Super Card" and the true grandaddy of them all, especially since the first ever "Starcade: A Flair For The Gold" happened months before the first Wrestlemania aired. But that would reveal some of the lies that WWE has built upon over the years and reveal to the world that Wrestlemania wasn't the first. Oops! Can't do that. So never mind!

But all of that aside, this weekend is the WWE version of "Night of Champions" and we have eight big title matches filling out the card. And since it is a big time Pay-Per-View broadcast, that means prediction time. Yay to that. So let's break out the crystal ball, put on the "Sister Cleo head-gear", crank up the fake accent, and get right to it, shall we? We shall... right now.

WWE Night of Champions Pay-Per-View Predictions:

World Championship Match
CM Punk (c) versus Jeff Hardy

Punk and Hardy have really made this into a must-see match. Despite Jeff's contract status being up in the air, he's really given 150% to this program and Punk, as the "not-quite a heel, but still a bit of an ass" champion has really captivated and intrigued the fans as well. This is easily the best he's looked since coming to the WWE.

I expect we'll finally see the full fledged heel turn from Punk as he pulls out all the stops in the match. Jeff will dominate and control most of the action and end up going one move too far and learn the hard way that "high risk manuevers" are called that for a reason. And Punk will move in, tasting blood and taking advantage for the win as he retains the gold. And both men will be cheered for the match of the night as they steal the show and have a match for the ages.

Winner and STILL World Champion: CM Punk

WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton (c) versus Triple H versus John Cena

I hate matches like this, especaially when they're so stale as this one is. Orton versus Cena versus Hunter. We've seen this match in every shape and form many, many times over the past few years. It's time to move some new blood and some new faces to the top of the card. As for this one, Orton is losing the title. That's almost a given. But who will be the new champ? Let's flip a coin. Heads, it's Cena and tails, it's HHH. And the coin says...

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Heads - John Cena

ECW Championship Match
Tommy Dreamer (c) versus Christian

This should be a fun little match that has been completely overlooked and over-shadowed by the other two big "World Title" matches. To be honest, I'm really surprised that they've left the belt on Tommy Dreamer this long. He's fair as a wrestler and he does have the whole "ECW Original" legacy behind him, but compared to the other talent in the WWE these days, Dreamer is mid-card at best. But then again, so is the majority of the ECW roster, so maybe it's fitting?

Normally, I'd be predicting a Christian win here rather easily, but I think that the WWE has other plans for Captain Charisma. So let's have a nice little match and go by the numbers as Dreamer pins a frustrated Christian to retain the big silver belt.

Winner and STILL ECW Champion: Tommy Dreamer

Which leads us too...

Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Chris Jericho & A Partner To Be Announced (c) versus Ted DiBiase & Cody Rhodes

After the frustrating loss to Dreamer, we see Christian revert to type and do the heel turn as he re-teams with his former partner, Chris Jericho and uphold's the honor of his "brother" Edge, being revealed as the "mystery partner". And it's Jericho and Christian reunited as they go "downtown to China town" and take on Legacy.

And as good as DiBiase and Cody are, they're no match for the Canadian Charismatics. And the peeps around the world rejoice as the "C & C Express" are once again united as the tag team champs.

Winners and STILL Unified Tag Team Champs: Chris Jericho & Christian

Intercontinental Championship Match
Rey Mysterio (c) versus Dolph Ziggler

This is going to be either Ziggler's big break-out moment, or the last time we see the former Spirit Squad member in a high profile match for quite a while. He made it through a feud with Khali and it didn't kill his momentum, so I'm expecting that this will be his moment to shine.

As the program with Jeff Hardy ends, CM Punk is going to need a major name to feud with. And I expect we'll see Rey Mysterio elevated to fill that role. Rey really isn't doing anything with the IC title, but keeping it warm and doesn't need the gold to be in the top one or two spots. Ziggler does. So look for shenanigans and chaos. And look for "Mr. Handshake" to walk ou of the ring as the new champ.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Dolph Ziggler

United States Championship Match
Kofi Kingston (c) versus The Big Show, MVP, Jack Swagger, Carlito and The Miz

Well, Kofi is going to lose. That's pretty obvious. But the question is, who will be the new champ. They're pushing Big Show way too hard, so I don't think it will be him. Carlito is headed towards a long run against Primo, so that takes him out. And I can't see it being MVP. They've pretty much nuetered his character since bringing him to RAW and making him a "face", so that leaves him out.

That leaves Swagger or Miz. Hmmmm! Miz is my preference of the two, but he doesn't really need the title to be over. Miz can get over on the strength of his promos alone, and I think his career is going to be intertwined with Maryse for a while. So I'll go for the All American American. I like that nick-name, by the way. Look for Big Show to destroy and decimate everyone. And Swagger to sneak in from the back and steal the pin off of one of Show's victims in order to win the title and become the new U.S. Champ.

Winner and NEW U.S. Champion: Jack Swagger

WWE Women's Championship Match
Maryse (c) versus Mickie James

I really liked the old style promo set-up that WWE did with Mickie on RAW this past Monday night to push this match. That was cool. But the blatant rip-off of the TNA "Beautiful Ones" gimmick was pretty lame. Just saying...

As for this match, Mickie is over and doesn't need the title. Maryse is coming along nicely with the heel mannerisms and attitude and is a good character that can only get better in time. Right now, she's a great fit as the Women's Champ and I'm enjoying seeing her with the belt. And I'd love to see how a heel Maryse would handle a challenge from a face-turned Beth Phoenix or maybe even a heel Jillian Hall. Mickie doesn't need the belt - Maryse does. So I'll go for the champion retaining (with some help from the Miz, of course).

Winner and STILL WWE Women's Champion: Maryse

WWE Diva's Championship Match
Michelle McCool (c) versus Melina

Bah! Who cares? Miss Undertaker versus Melina - which one wins? One guess - and Melina gets to "rest in peace" as Michelle McTaker retains the gold.

Winner and STILL Diva's Champion: Michelle McCool

So there you have it. My predictions. Woo-hoo! Let's move on. What else is in the news?

The Kurt - Karen - Jeff Love Triangle Rocks TNA...

So let me see if I've got all of this. Kurt Angle and Karen Angle have divorced. Karen has became involved with Jeff Jarrett. Kurt doesn't like it. TNA Owner Dixie Cater has removed Jeff from the TNA Creative team and he on a "leave of absence from the company" that he founded. Kurt is bumping uglies with Rhaka Khan. Kurt has essentially told Dixie that it's either Jeff Jarrett or him. Kurt's contract expires in September. Vince Russo is now in charge of the TNA Creative team.

Is that everything?

First off, I don't see what the big deal is about Karen being involved with Jeff Jarrett. Karen and Kurt ARE divorced. This relationship, from everything I've heard, didn't start until AFTER Kurt and Karen split up. Kurt isn't sitting at home all alone either. Jeff is single - Karen is single - they hit it off. Good for them. And even though it might not be the ideal relationship in some ways, especially with Kurt and Jeff having to work together at TNA, it's nothing unusual for the wrestling world.

Think Matt Hardy - Lita - Edge. Think Kevin Sullivan - Woman - Chris Benoit. Think Randy Savage - Elizabeth - Lex Luger. Think Matt Hardy - Ashley Massaro - Paul London. Think John Morrison - Melina - Batista. Think Chyna - Triple H - Stephanie McMahon. And in all of these cases, with the exception of possibly the last one (and it still would not surprise me to one day see Chyna back in the WWE in some capacity), the persons have managed to put aside their differences and do business.

Wrestling in general is a small, tight group and the majority of wrestlers mainly interact, for the most part, only with other wrestlers or people involved in the business. That's just how it goes. So it's not surprising that after breaking up with Kurt, that Karen found herself involved with another wrestler. The vast majority of persons in her life over the past few years have been in the business, so it just makes sense.

And Kurt, seeing a chance to use personal issues to make political gain, is taking advantage and using the Karen - Jeff relationship, as well as his own contract status to increase his power and influence in TNA.

We talk about Edge being the "ultimate opportunist" - but compared to "Our Olympic Hero", Edge is a total amatuer. While I have no doubt that Kurt probably isn't happy that Jeff is banging his ex-wife, I'm thinking he has stars in the eyes and wants power. He wants to be "the man" at TNA and prove to Vince, to the fans, to his peers, and to all of the doubters that he (Kurt Angle) is a true major player in the wrestling industry and he can book a company and make things happen as well as Vince, Heyman, Jarrett, or anyone else.

And right now, it seems to be working. At Dixie Carter's suggestion, Jeff has taken the leave of absence from the company. But who is the man making the creative decisions now? Vince Russo, who just happens to be one of Jeff's best friends. And do you really think that Russo is going to go out of his way to make Kurt shine and look good? Not in a million years. So what is Kurt going to do - have Dixie give Russo a "leave of absence" too? I just don't see that happening.

Kurt is making a power play and Russo, acting on behalf of Jarrett, is going to do one of two things. He'll either book Kurt like a total jackass, which will ruin Kurt's credibility and power in the company. Or else he'll back off and let Kurt book his own angles. Let Kurt attempt to "run things" and see what happens. Even his best friends and biggest supporters will tell you that while Kurt is capable of booking his own matches and angles, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to coming up with things for others. And despite what it may seem like at times, TNA is not "Total Non-Stop Angle". Kurt can't do it by himself, even though he seems to think he can.

I think Jarrett and Dixie have just decided to give Kurt some rope to play with. Will he hang himself? Only time will tell. But come late September, when the contract expires, we'll see one of two things happen. If Kurt continues to insist that either Jeff goes or he goes, we'll be saying goodbye to Mr. Angle and he'll be popping up on ECW sometime in mid-December. Or, more likely, Kurt will quietly back off and re-sign a new deal for a year or so - and then all of this will be turned by Vince Russo into a worked shoot angle between Jarrett and Kurt to attempt to draw fans and increase ratings.

If it comes down to a choice, and Dixie is forced to say either Kurt or Jeff, Kurt has about as much chance of getting the nod and winning as Madusa, Lex Luger, Randy Savage and Ted Turner all have of being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. It's just not going to happen.

Kurt Angle is playing an "all or nothing" hand in this crazy game of wrestling poker, over the most trifle of subjects. And if he's not careful, he's going to end up being the big loser in the end. Just saying.

But then again, I may be wrong so...

Happy Birthday...

I need to send a few shout outs to a few friends who are having birthdays this week. For Sunday, July 26, Happy Birthday to my brother from another mother, "Phoenix" Michael Youngblood - and to a long time friend, Chris Dial. Celebrating their birthdays on July 28th are the incomparable DJ Roy Gee and my "bestest friend ever", Theresa Hornbaker. And on July 31, my other "baby brother", Greg Clamp celebrates his big day. Happy Birthday to all of these wonderful, amazing, funtastic, damn good eggs - I love all of ya much... Happy Birthday.

Something To Think About...

One day, Mae Young, Lelani Kai and Diamond Lil were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.

Mae had a stroke, Kai had a stroke, but Diamond Lil's arm was too short to reach.

Random Moment: Five Great Finishing Holds We Never See Anymore...

5. The Sleeper
4. The Swinging Full Nelson
3. The Indian Deathlock
2. Piledriver
1. The Claw

Who Am I?

Ok it's back. I don't care for it, but everyone else seems to. Bah! The sacrifices that I make for you people. Last time out, two long columns ago, the question was:

When the ill-fated WCW Invasion of the WWF began, I was the first former WCW Superstar to make an appearance on the WWF television when I came to the ring, along with WCW Owner Shane McMahon to cause a distraction in a match. I eventually left the WWE after a long tenure and have since begun to dance my way to a career in television and movies. Who am I?

And the answer was, of course, the one and only Miss Hancock, aka Stacy Keibler.

Who answered correctly? How about Suzie Q, Harold Schwan, Sakee Wildman, Jack Carter and Phil E. Cooper. Did I miss anyone? If I did, my apologies. Congratulations folks, on a job well done.

And now, for the newbie...

I started off with a rough life, coming from Hell's Kitchen, Manhattan and my gang life eventually led me to prison. After serving my time, I went to WCW at the recommendation of a friend and became part of the WCW Power Plant.

I worked for WCW for several years, mainly on the B-programs, where I was a borderline jobber. With my unique (and some might say) lucky horse-shoe shaped haircut, I was quick to make an impression. After leaving WCW, I went and worked for several independent companies to continue my training and work on getting better. I even had a run as the AWA Superstars World Champion.

WIth the help of Ron Simmons, I was fortunate enough to get signed to a WWE Developmental Contract and went to Ohio Valley Wrestling, where I quickly made a "Max"imum Impact in the regional company. It wasn't long before I was called up to Smackdown and allied myself with Kurt Angle, as his assistant and part of the new "Team Angle".

I feuded with The Big Show and was responsible for shaving his head bald. I went on to a feud with Undertaker for the while and then went back to feuding with Big Show again, including a memorable situation where we both tried to flip a jeep over. I failed at my attempt. The Show didn't. And after that, and some uneventful tag team matches, I more or less drifted to the B-shows, mainly Velocity, for the rest of my WWE career.

After leaving WWE, I went back to the Indy circuit and resumed wrestling under my ever-so-lucky former WCW gimmick. I can currently be found wrestling mostly for Scott Norton's "Wild West Championship Wrestling". Who am I?

Do you know the answer? It's a bit harder than the usual, but the clues are all there. Give it a shot. Send your guesses to Doug28352@yahoo.com.

When Michael Jackson got to Heaven, even as a ghost, he complained to God that he was still not white enough. God mulled it over and said, "What you need is Billy Mays and 450,000 tubs of OxiClean..."

And finally...

Several months ago, I decided that it was time to change with the times and, after much thought and consideration, I decided to "retire" the columns I'd been writing for so many years, "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" and "Six Minutes". I decided to evolve and branch out and move into a new frontier, with a new column called "Tiger Tales by Hobbes".

And to put it bluntly, that might not have been one of my best decisions. The columns have sucked. The responses to most of the columns have been minimal at best, and "Tiger Tales" just isn't quite cutting it. So I have a decision to make and as I'm often prone to do, I want to get some feedback from the few readers I have left as to what this decision should be. Should I...

(A) Keep writing "Tiger Tales" and see what happens.
(B) Dump the new column idea and go back to writing "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News".
(C) Dump the new column and go back to writing "Six Minutes".
(D) Use all three titles, based on whatever happens to "feel right" at the time.
(E) Give up this "wrestling column" stuff altogether and find something more productive to do with my time, like shaving poodles or learning to do the hustle.
(F) Any other idea or option you can think of.

What do you think I should do? Should I go back to the basics, call it a day, keep on the same path as I'm currently headed, or what? Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

And I guess that's more than enough for me.

Did I get everything? Let me check my list. Predictions? Check! Comments on the love triangle? Check! Jokes to offend fans of older lady wrestlers and Michael Jackson fans? Check! The Who Am I? Check! Birthdays? Check! Cheap plugs? Oops! I knew I was forgetting something here.

He's the baddest man in music today - ready to ascend to the throne of the Hip Hop Magic Kingdom - it's Soce the Elemental Wizard. He has a new CD out called "Master of Fine Arts" and it's truly a magical piece of work that takes Soce to the next level.

Check it (and the man himself) out at www.myspace.com/soce. You haven't heard great music and the best of the best until you've listened to Soce. Listen to some tracks and buy the CD. It's a decision you'll be glad you made. Just do it!

Today's column has also been brought to you by "Socks". Keeping the feet warm for years and years. Thanks, Socks.

Check out the antics of North Carolina's greatest up-and-coming tag team, the team of Brad Branson and Derk Douglas, aka "BD Productions" as they will be wrestling this weekend in Raeford, NC for Ring Wars Carolina, defending their RWC World Tag team Titles... and then next weekend in McColl, SC.

For more info on the guys and where they will be appearing the in future, check out www.myspace.com/bransonanddouglas. These guys were the winners of the "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News 2008 Future Superstar" award aka, "The Salty" and my opinion hasn't changed. They're going to be big names very, very soon. Jump on the bandwagon now because it's going to fill up fast. These guys are going places.

And finally, let me plug my own pages. Visit me at Facebook at www.facebook.com/saltpalace and at MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me as a friend at both sites if you haven't already. You know you want to.

And I guess that's it for today. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. I've been a slack-ass about responding as quickly as I should, but I'm going to try to be better. Just bear with me, OK?

And well, that's all folks. Or as the legendary Baron Von Raschke would say, "Dat is all de' people need to know!". I'm "Hobbes" and I'm outta here. Until the next time...

Ubuntu!