Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: October 31, 2011

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
October 31, 2011
Doug Maynard

Happy Halloween. I'm Doug and this is "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News". Didn't we just do this yesterday? Of course we did, but I'm back and we get to do it again. We must be doing the Time Warp or something. Are you ready for some Halloween fun? Well, go get a Snickers bar and let's go crazy. Boo Boo Boo - you know it!

Yesterday, it was The Addams Family. And today, in honor of my favorite holiday, let's take on the greatest musical movie of all-time (well, third greatest actually after "Rent" and "Bye Bye Birdie"), it's "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". Starring Tim Curry, Susan Sarandon, Barry Bostwick, Little Nell Campbell, Meat Loaf, Patricia Quinn, Peter Hinwood and Richard O'Brien. It's a classic movie that everyone has seen or at least heard of and I'm proud to say that I've been a member of the official RHPS Fan Club for well over ten years now.

And surprisingly, it's never been remade (yet). There was a sequal of sorts called "Shock Treatment", an incredibly awesome movie in it's own right, which follows the adventures of Brad and Janet and reunited O'Brien, Quinn and Campbell. And the TV show "Glee" did a tribute to the RHPS as well. So did the Drew Carey Show a few years ago. And I've heard Richard O'Brien mention that he has written a sequal. But no remake yet... until now!

What I'm going to do it look at the cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and recast the main characters with WWE Superstars. Just consider it my own personal casting call for a WWE version of the RHPS. Let's do this...

Casting Call: The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Dr. Frank-N-Furter (A Scientist): I racked my brain looking at the current batch of WWE Superstars who could play the role of this "Sweet Transvestite From Transylvania" and the best person I could come up with at first was former WWE Superstar Rico Constaine. After all, the character he played wasn't far from Frank's character in this movie and I can definitely see Rico rocking a pair of fishnets.

But then I realized that there was no need to go outside the current WWE for someone to play the role of Frank. He's already proven he can camp it up with the best of them when he played his own "sister" a few years ago on Raw. Of course, I'm talking about Santino Marella. He's such a natural for a role like this, I'm surprised that I didn't think of him first. The only flaw I can see in this choice is, are we ready to see Dr. Frank-N-Furter yelling "Cobra!"

Brad Majors (A Hero): We need someone who is a wimp and makes an unlikely hero. My first thought was Dolph Ziggler, but then another idea hit me. For the poster child of "Nerd Boy" and "unlikely hero", how about the Master of the Kill-Switch, the original "Creepy Little Bastard" himself, Mr. Jay Reso, aka Christian? Brad was something of a major whine-ass in the movie and nobody is a better whine-ass than Christian. And if he does well in a movie role like this, maybe he could get one more match out of the deal. Works for me.

Janet Weiss (A Heroine): For Janet, you need someone sexy, yet somewhat of a dingbat. Who can play the niave vixen turned tramp? She irritates the heck out of me, but then again, so does Susan Sarandon so it's a good choice. For this role, Kelly Kelly.

Rocky Horror (A Creation): There is no shortage of musclebound men in the WWE who could play this role, but the name who immediately popped into my head is a guy who's not currently on the WWE roster, but I'm pretty sure that he'll be back eventually. His very name explains why he's perfect for this character. It is "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters. Just stand around and flex the muscles, looking hot? Masters can definitely do that and he can even flex his moobies a bit too. Just like the Rocky Horror character, Masters definitely carries the "Charles Atlas Seal of Approval".

Riff Raff (A Handyman): Riff Raff is a sick and twisted degenerate who plays the role of servant for Frank, but is really the manipulative power behind the scenes. Does that remind you of anyone currently in the WWE? How about the "Master of the Pipe Bomb" and "Voice of the Voiceless", CM Punk. Even Punk's body type reminds me of Riff Raff, as does his voice. Punk would be a great choice for a role like this and I think it's a type of character he'd really get into and enjoy playing as well.

Magenta (A Domestic): This was a hard choice because who in the WWE, who's a female, would be able to play the role of this somewhat twisted, slightly older, domestic godess? And then I heard this little voice echoing in my head. "Excuse me! I said excuse me!". Vickie Guerrero as Magenta? It works for me.

Columbia (A Groupie): A vixen who can dance and sing. Who can be abrasive one minute and yet emotional and caring the next. Who radiates sex appeal. There aren't really all that many options for this role in the WWE Universe. Little Nell Campbell is one of those entertainers who takes a character and makes it totally her own and anyone else attempting to duplicate the role falls way short in comparison. So what Diva in the WWE could step up and fill these very large shoes? I'll go with Beth Phoenix. While she's not the "Columbia" type, she's a strong and powerful woman with a unique presence. And she's "The Glamazon". She could definitely pull off this role.

Eddie (A Delivery Boy): A big guy. A fun guy. A guy who is larger than life, but not quite jakked with "muscle". A real life "Eddie". I didn't have to look far for this role. After all, who's bigger, more fun and more larger than life, but not really all pumped up with muscle? Who else, but The Big Show. He's already been in several movies and after his role in "Knucklehead", he's proven that for a role like Eddie, he'd be, as the late, great Curt Hennig would say, "Absolutely perfect!".

Criminologist (An Expert): This is another one where nobody really stands out as the perfect person to play this character, played so well by the great Charles Gray. My first choice was Michael Cole since he plays the role of an obnoxious, know-it-all so well each week on Raw and Smackdown, but Cole just really gets on my nerves. Jim Ross is another choice, but I can't really picture the Criminaologist / Narrator wearing a cowboy hat and calling "the Floor Show" a slobberknocker. Johnny Ace has no personality. So who is left? David Otunga is a possiblity since he's been playing a know-it-all on RAW recently and knows how to rock that sweater. But he annoys me too. Let's just go with Zack Ryder. He's not exactly a brain surgeon and may not be the most obvious choice for this role, but what the hell. He's a broski and he's the Internet Champion. Fans love him. Woo Woo Woo! You know it!

Dr. Everett Scott (A Rival Scientist): Who can play a wheelchair bound ex-science teacher, turned scientist and rival to Dr. Frank-N-Furter? My first pick was Mick Foley, but that might be taking things a little too far and we all know that I would NEVER do that. We need an older person with an aura of respectability about them, but who also knows how to work a wheelchair. I've got it. Smackdown General Manager Teddy Long. Teddy's a smart guy and I seem to remember him being put in a wheelchair a time or two in the past. Besides, we need some playas in this movie. So Teddy gets to play Dr. Scott. Holla Holla Holla!

Now that would be a movie / musical I'd love to see.

And now, let's move on to another very subjective subject that is also Halloween related (somewhat) and a fun thing to speculate on. Even more fun than candy corn. Not more fun than fake eyeballs though. Nothing is more fun than that. Let's do a Top Ten List. That sounds like a plan.

Top Ten Halloween Styled Wrestling Personalities...

Five Honorable Mentions:

5. Norman The Lunatic: Played by Mike Shaw, who also went on to play Bastion Booger in the WWF, Norman was an odd character, to say the least. He looked like a big teddy bear of a man. And he carried a teddy bear too. Nothing like a big fat crazy guy who'd hug you one minute and then try to rip your head off the next.

4.. La Parka: His outfit looked like a fat skeleton and he hit people with a chair. He was cool! 'Nuff said!

3. Kane: He's ugly and scary. That's for sure. And he's a helluva memorable character for the WWE. He was scary as heck in the movie "See No Evil", but maybe it's just a case of being around too long, because he's just not doing it for me now. Maybe next Halloween. Who knows?

2. Kamala The Ugandan Giant: A big man who carries a spear and is supposedly a cannibal. Scares me.

1. Abdullah The Butcher: Abdullah used to be crazy. I remember him coming to the Mid-Atlantic area back in the mid-eighties and butchering Wahoo McDaniels. He scared the crap out of me (not literally, thank Flair). Now, he's more of a comedy / special attraction act than scary, but I remember when he was the face of evil. Back in the good old days.

And now, let's do the Top Ten...

10. The Yeti: He was only around for a short time in WCW and he really wasn't all that scary, but people remember this Ron Reis character. Hell, more people remember The Yeti than remember Reis, the man who portrayed him. A big mummy with almost as many moves as El Gigante, but less personality. Got to love WCW... lol.

9. Jake "The Snake" Roberts: Unlike Yeti, Jake Roberts is scary just because he's so convincingly crazy and evil. Monsters don't scare me. Psychopaths scare me and Jake "The Snake" Roberts played an extremely convincing deranged psycho. And actually, when you think about Jake, was he even playing a character or was he just being himself? I'm still not sure.

8. James Mitchell: It doesn't matter what name he used, be it "Darryl Van Horne", "The Sinister Minister", "James Vandenberg" or "Rev. James Mitchell", this is a very creepy and unusual person. And look who he managed? A masked devil called "Mortis". A four thousand year old mummy named "Prince Kharis". "The Monster Abyss". All of these characters were creepy and unsettling on their own, but when Mitchell was added to the picture, the creepiness ratio went up a thousand percent. From all I've heard, Mitchell is actually a very nice guy. I don't care. He comes to my house and I'm going to douse him with holy water and stake him. Just saying.

7. Gangrel: Also known as "The Vampire Warrior", David Heath has really taken the vampire gimmick up to a new level. Look at those eyes and look at those fangs. Heath looks like something from an Anne Rice novel and he plays it up to the max. I wonder if he actually sleeps in a coffin too? Vampiro tried, but couldn't quite do it. Same goes for Kevin Thorne who was so close, yet so far away. When you talk about "wrestling vampires", only one name needs be said and that is Gangrel.

6. Doink The Clown: We all know clowns are evil. Doink is a clown, thus he is scary and evil. And that's all I need say about that.

5. Papa Shango: This gimmick was more goofy than scary, but I like Charles White and feel that he did a great job in this pre-Godfather character role. Yeah, it was a bit over the top and cheezy, but he made The Ultimate Warrior puke on TV and that has to count for something, right? Of course it does, cause Pimpin' ain't easy and Shango liked to ride the Ho' Train.

4. Luna Vachon: Luna was crazy and psycho at it's very best. All women are crazy to some point (no offense to my female friends - ya'll know it's true!), but Luna took it to a whole new level. Maybe a tattooed, semi-bald, screeching woman carrying a snake or two isn't really a Halloween gimmick. Heck, in some neighborhoods, it's probably extremely common and all of the women act like Luna did, but she did it better than anyone and was truly an artist in the world of insanity. Plus, she was a fantastic performer and I wanted to give this incredible woman a long-overdue shout out. RIP Luna Vachon. You truly were one of the greats.

3. ECW Zombie / The Boogeyman: I have a tie for the 3rd position with two creations of the WWECW era. We have the ECW Zombie, who made his debut on the premiere edition of the WWE version of ECW. It was also his last appearance, but damn if he didn't make an impact. Vince McMahon told Paul Heyman that he wanted a science fiction character to make the people at SyFy happy and Paul Heyman grabbed Indy wrestler Tim Arson and the ECW Zombie was born. And he's held a place in our hearts ever since. And as for the Boogeyman, he sucked as a wrestler and was kind of a stupid character, to be honest about it. But the guy ate worms... repeatedly... on live TV. And anyone that motivated and inspired and devoted to their character deserves some kind of mention.

2. Kevin Sullivan: Look up the word "evil" in the dictionary and most likely, you'll find Kevin Sullivan's picture next to the definition. Is it real or is it just a gimmick and character? I don't know for sure and I don't care. Kevin's nickname was the "Little Devil" and it fits... to the max. Even speaking about him gives me the eebie-jeebies. Like Jake Roberts earlier, Sullivan plays his role so well, you're not sure where the fantasy ends and reality takes over. He may be a nice and fun guy in real life, but I still don't want him living in my neighborhood... or in my state for that matter. Sullivan's character is just that twisted.

1. The Undertaker / Paul Bearer: This gimmick, that of the "Dead Man" is so over-the-top, it really never should have worked, but Mark Callaway took the character and really made it larger than life and arguably the strongest character in wrestling history. The Undertaker is a phenom and icon and manager Paul Bearer, the "Dead Man's" oh-so-twisted "father" just works as the icing on the cake, cementing Taker and Bearer's positions as the Most Halloween Styled Characters of all time. They busted their butts to make it work and work it has. Even with injuries and matches limited to only once or twice a year, The Undertaker is the man, not only in the WWE, but in all of wrestling. And with Paul Bearer, his "father" occasionally rising from the ashes to be by his side, they will continue to remain in that role for a long, long time to come.

And I guess that's enough for today. Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Also, check out my blog site at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. Wrestling columns, short stories, political commentary and all sorts of whacky and crazy stuff. Go check it out.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and fun Halloween. Stay safe and take care. Dat' is all de' people need to know. I'm Doug and I'm gone.

Ubuntu!