(Retro) Six Minutes - October 31, 2005

SIX MINUTES
October 31, 2005
by: Doug Maynard


It's Halloween so let's try to think of something scary. Eugene as the WWE Champion. Nah! That's not too bad! Snitsky as the World Champ? That's scary, but still not creepy enough. The Chyna-X-Pac sex tape. Nah, that's not scary - just sickening. Oh yeah - one day, Stephanie McMahon and Triple H will have total control of the the largest wrestling company in the world today, the WWE. If that doesn't send a chill down your spine, you're not a wrestling fan.

I'm Doug Maynard. Happy Halloween and welcome to the Internets most eclectic wrestling column - the one and only "Six Minutes".. I've got breaking news about a major WWE superstar leaving the company. Also, I want to speak on Taboo Tuesday, make some new friends, and rant a bit about this and that. There's a new "Who Am I?" and of course, some quotable quotes. So much to do and so little time. Lets get this party started...

Six minutes... six minutes... six minutes Dougie Fresh and you're on!.....

We're on... so away we go!

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this column are mine and mine alone. If you don't like it, well that's your prerogative, Bobby Brown! I've got skills so VOTE FOR PEDRO and remember, it's your duty to shake your booty! Have a nice day!

My condolences to the friends and family of wrestling icon, The Crusher, who passed away earlier this week.

Also, best wishes and prayers go out to lady wrestling pioneer Kay Noble who was recently diagnosed with stomach cancer. It's pretty advanced, but Noble is a fighter and won't give in without a fight. Keep her in your prayers and thoughts as she fights this brutal battle.

TABOO TUESDAY

As everyone knows, tomorrow night is the WWE's second annual "Taboo Tuesday" PPV - the pay per view where we, the fans make the choices. Of course, the WWE is trying to direct us in the way we vote with strong innuendo and plenty of not-so-subtle hints, but whether we listen to them or not is up to us. Since it's a big PPV, of course that means that I have to make my predictions. With me, if I can get her plastic toy butt away from my office shelf where she's hanging out with my Four Horsemen action figures (Flair, Benoit, Malenko & Mongo) is the one and only "Babs"...

I'll do this a little different than my usual style of making predictions. I'll look at each match, tell what I want the stipulation to be, what I think the voters will choose, and who will win in the end. It's all simpler than it sounds. Believe me. Let's do this.

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
JOHN CENA (C) versus KURT ANGLE versus FAN'S CHOICE..

The choices are "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels, The Big Show, and Kane.

Please! Nothing against the Big Show or Kane, but this match has Shawn Michaels written all over it. The WWE wants Shawn in the main event. I want Shawn in the main event. And the fans will vote for Shawn in the main event. With the exceptions of HHH, Kurt Angle, and maybe Ric Flair, there is no one on RAW who is considered to be "The Main Eventer" quite like HBK. If Kane or The Big Show get any votes at all, with the exception of close friends and immediate family members, I'll be very surprised. Wait! Kane doesn't have any family left. Just a brother who he keeps trying to destroy (off and on) and a "father" who was buried alive in concrete a year ago. He also almost had a baby boy, but the WWE's resident foot lovin' freak took care of that a long time ago as well. (But it wasn't his fault!) So Kane will have no votes and Big Show will get the votes of Adam Sandler and his posse as a return favor for appearing in "Water Boy" a few years ago. I loved that movie! Funny stuff!

As for the match itself, it is written in the stars and we will have a NEW WWE Champion at the end of the night. It won't be the fan's choice though. It will be Mr. Olympic Hero - the one and only Kurt Angle. He's been on a roll as of late and to steal the catch-phrase of a certain former Intercontinental Champion - "there ain't no stoppin' him now!"
Winner of the triple threat and new WWE Champion: Kurt Angle

"Babs" takes one look at my rant above and says: "Hopefully so!"

TRIPLE H versus "THE NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR

It's all about revenge for the "Nature Boy". The stipulations for this one are "One Fall Match", "Submission Match", and "Steel Cage Match". Ric has been campaigning for the cage match against "The Game" and I'll humor the greatest all-around wrestler of all time by saying that, in this situation, a cage match is the best way to go. Even though I'd like to see Ric slap the figure four on HHH and make him tap out, I think Ric and HHH will be able to really put on the best match trapped inside those merciless cage walls. The WWE wants a cage match and, most of the fans do as well. Is this for the IC title? Hell if I know. That would be a step backwards for HHH at this point anyhow, so it really doesn't matter. It'll be in the cage and look for the "dirtiest player in the game" to come back in the end after taking a beating of a lifetime and use some classic "Horseman style" tactics to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat. Winner of the steel cage match: "NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR.

"Babs" looks at this rant and says: "Absolutely!"

CARLITO versus MICK FOLEY

Our choices are to what persona of the "Three Faces of Foley" we want to see Mick wrestle as: Dude Love, Cactus Jack, or Mankind. Truthfully, Foley should not even be wrestling at this PPV. He's so badly out of shape, it will be a miracle if he walks out without any serious injuries. But the same could be said for any match where Mick Foley was involved. The man was / is freakin' crazy. The WWE seems to be pushing for Cactus Jack and I expect that the fans will also vote in Cactus Jack as their choice. But I'm going out on a limb here. I like Cactus, but we've seen that routine before with Mick. He gets his butt whipped as one persona and makes the return as "Cactus Jack". Let's do something different. Since this will be the comedy match of the night, let's see the return of the hippest cat in WWE history, the one and only "Dude Love". Yeah - I want to see "The Dudester" return. But it doesn't matter too much anyhow who Foley and the fans decide he should be - Carlito will win. He's young - he's hip - he's (dare I say it!) "cool!". Mick puts on a great effort, but Triple C takes that trip to the pay window.
Winner: CARLITO

"Babs" says: "Hopefully so!"

"STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN versus "THE COACH" JONATHAN COACHMAN

The stipulations are if Austin wins, Jim Ross gets his job back as the lead announcer of WWE Monday Night RAW. If Coach wins, then old "Stone Cold" is "FIRED!" Does that mean that Linda gets to kick Austin in his little keggers too? The choices for matches are "A verbal debate!" - yawn! The second choice is "Arm Wrestling".. Ho hum! And finally, a street fight. Guess which one the WWE is pushing for. A good old fashioned street fight. And the fans will vote it in as well. And I guess I'm with the fans on this one, although I would be interested in seeing Austin and Coach arm-wrestle too, just to see how long it is before Austin turns the table over on Coach and beats the dog-snot out of him with it.

So look for the street fight. Look for Vince and Stephanie to try and get involved in the carnage and protect their interests by helping Coach out. And I would also expect to see Shane O'Mac make his return and do the "face" turn on his family - helping Stone Cold secure the win.
Yep, what's the old song say - "I get by with a little help from my friends!" Well, Austin and Shane O'Mac are not friends, but come Tuesday night, they'll be on the same page and help Austin secure the win in the street fight against The Coach.
Winner of the street fight: "STONE COLD" STEVE AUSTIN

"Babs" says: "Absolutely!"

FULFILL YOUR FANTASY DIVA BATTLE ROYAL FOR THE WWE WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP.

The ladies who are participating will be Trish, Ashley, Mickie, Candice, Torrie Wilson, and Victoria. The choices for the fans are "lingerie", "leather and lace" or "cheerleader outfits". Lingerie has been done so many times before, but I expect that will be what the WWE hopes for and what the majority of the fans will vote for as well. My own personal choice for the T & A portion of the show is "leather and lace".. Leather and lace is always great, but break out the whips and chains to excite me! Woo-hoo! Damn! I sounded like Jerry Lawler there. My apologies! This should be short and sweet and we'll end up with a new WWE Women's Champion in the end. Look for "Torrie Wilson" to luck out and pillow-fight her way to victory and the WWE Women's Championship.
Winner: Torrie Wilson in a "Lingerie Battle Royal"..

"Babs" says: "Absolutely!"

HANDICAP MATCH
ROB CONWAY versus EUGENE & FAN'S CHOICE

Why does the "face" need a partner against the metrosexual "Legend Killer" Rob Conway. Eugene stood toe to toe with Evolution a year ago and now he has to go to the WWE Retirement Home to get help to face Buff Conway 2005? I just don't get it. Anyhow, the choices for this match as Eugene's partner are "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka or Kamala the Ugandan Giant. Whoa! Great choices here. What happened to Moolah and Mae Young? I don't know who the WWE wants and I don't care. I expect that Snuka will be the man to get the pick... just because he's the "Superfly". He's also practically immobile and about two-hundred years old. My own choice is "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. I don't like to watch him wrestle and I think he's a big goof, but he's the most animated of the three choices and probably the only one who can still be carried to a passable match these days. As for the ending, look for all of the "WWE Legends" on hand to storm the ring and beat up Conway again - aka "RAW Homecoming". Eugene and Father Time gets DQ'ed and Rob wins the match, but loses the battle as the war continues.
Winners: ROB CONWAY

"Babs" says: "Not sure! Ask again!"

WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
TREVOR MURDOCH & LANCE CADE versus (LOSERS IN THE TRIPLE THREAT VOTING)

The two rednecks are defending the titles against Kane and The Big Show. Let's just say it here. Short match as Kane reverts to his psycho self and turns on the Big Show. Murdoch and Cade just pick up the pieces and pin whoever's left after the carnage subsides.
Winners and still Champs: Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade

"Babs" says: "Absolutely!"

RAW VERSUS SMACKDOWN!
EDGE & CHRIS MASTERS (with Lita) versus TWO OUT OF FIVE SMACKDOWN! CHOICES.

My favorite potential match of the night. The WWE wants us to vote Rey Mysterio and JBL in as the SmackDown! team to face Edge and Masters. The other three choices are Matt Hardy, "Hardcore" Bob Holly, and "Captain Charisma" Christian. JBL is a great choice for this match. He's been built up for so long as "Mr. SmackDown" and few men on the WWE SmackDown! roster better fit the role of SmackDown's defender than the big mouthed, egotistical, bigot from Texas. But his partner is another story. Nothing against Rey Mysterio because he's a phenomenal performer, but if I'm going to war, I don't want the midget-division as my back-up. I want someone who will never say die! Or I want someone with the support of the entire "peepulation". Either Christian or Matt Hardy should be the second man. My own personal choice is "Captain Charisma" because he is that damn good! But the Hardy - Edge wars are still fresh in my mind and I wouldn't mind seeing Matt beat the crap out of Edge one more time. Tough call here, but I'll go for JBL and Christian. Have Matt do the run-in at the end and attack Edge so they can have one more match and end it at the Survivor Series. So RAW versus SmackDown! will be Edge & Masters versus JBL and Christian. And Teddy Long breaks out the "Mr. Peanut" suit as SmackDown takes that trip to the pay window.
Winners: JBL & CHRISTIAN

"Babs" says: "No Way!" (The plastic hooch has a thing for Chris Masters - she likes hair-lipped orangutans.)

Did I miss any matches? Expect to see something like Rosey versus The Hurricane in a pre-show dark match on WWE.com too. Or at least some kind of altercation between the former partners. I'd be surprised if they didn't do something.

So those are my predictions. It looks like a good show on paper and hopefully, the matches will live up to the hype. I hope so anyhow.My thanks to Babs for her help. Now, go back to the toy shelf where you belong. Mongo is waiting! Yeah, baby! Woo-hoo!

And now...

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY to my niece, Crystal Paige, who turned 19 back on October 24..

Congratulations to Lee Ann & Billy for the birth of their first child, a little girl, this past Tuesday.

I want to take a moment and send out a big "Thank You!" to Bryan Clark (of Kronik) and his fantastic other-half, Vickie Kennedy Clark. Not so long ago, they had a contest at their website, www.kronikwrestling.com where the objective was to pick Bryan out of a picture from his military days with about twenty of his buddies. I tried my luck and, surprisingly, I guessed correctly. It was all process of elimination. But anyhow, I just received in the mail a great pic of Bryan from his WCW days as "Wrath" (autographed of course) and it now hangs on my office wall in between pics of the great Ann Casey, my buddy Mike Youngblood, and Baron Von Raschke. It's a great picture and a great addition to my collection. So thanks again. I really do appreciate it!

And while I'm at it, I want to send out big congratulations to Vickie on her recovery from a very serious health matter a few months back. She's doing well now and seems to be well on the way to a full recovery. Vickie is the webmaster for the Kronik website (www.kronikwrestling.com) and is an accomplished author as well. As my regular readers may recall, she wrote a great story called "Strong Arms of the Law" which I reviewed in my "Tossing Salt" column. And she's putting the finishing touches on a new book right now that sounds mighty good. I'll give more information in the future as I learn it. For more information on Vickie's books, go check out either http://www.members.aol.com/sullys329111/vickiespage.html or just go to www.PublishAmerica.com and enter Vickie Kennedy in the search box. Vickie is a great talent and wonderful lady and you really should check out her work.

And one more time, just to make sure that ya'll remember - go check out www.kronikwrestling.com. Remember, it's all about Kronik!

OTHER STUFF...

BREAKING NEWS: CHRISTIAN QUITS THE WWE

I was finishing up my Taboo Tuesday predictions when this bit of news flashed across my computer screen.

Credit: W365 Newsletter

Christian (Jay Reso) quit the WWE yesterday at the TV tapings in Los
Angeles. We hope to have more information later today.

Mike Aldren, Editor-In-Chief

I decided to look around and find out what's going on here. It seems that Christian's contract expired a couple of weeks ago. He was given a new contract to sign, and opted to think it over first. Last night, at the SmackDown! tapings, he informed Vince and the WWE that he was not renewing his contract with the WWE.

This is a shocker to say the least, but I do not blame Jay Reso. He's been pushed so many times and then had it jerked away for no reason time and time again. He's a hot agent right now and will have no problems at all finding work. I expect that as soon as he's ready to do so, he'll be signed with TNA. If that happens, expect to see the NWA World Championship around his waist within a year. He's the first WWE superstar to leave on his own terms in quite a while that has the experience, following and credibility to carry TNA on his shoulders. This is a big loss for the WWE and SmackDown!

Hmmm! I just thought of something. Go back to my predictions for Taboo Tuesday. I predicted JBL and Christian as the SmackDown! team. Change that to JBL and Matt Hardy. And SmackDown still wins!

I just realized something. We just had a package installed on our DirecTV yesterday to allow us to begin getting the local channels, including UPN. For the first time in over a year, I was going to be able to watch SmackDown! again. The main reason I even cared was because Christian was on SmackDown! and the "Creepy Little Bastard" has always been a big favorite. And now, I'll be able to watch SmackDown!, but there is no Christian. The whole world is just out to get me sometimes - I swear it!...lol. At least I can still see "Never Say Die" and "The Juice"... so it's not a total loss. Hmmm! The Juice! Him so fine!

And there is a good point to all of this. With all of the WWE's cracking down on trademarks and copyrights, Jay Reso will never have to worry about anyone calling him a "creepy little bastard" again or else Vince will sue them.

Moving on:

THE JIM ROSS SITUATION ON RAW...

I understand that the WWE is trying to make the McMahons (and Vince in particular) into the biggest heels possible. I understand that Jim Ross was going to be out of action for a time due to colon surgery and the WWE needed to come up with a storyline to explain Ross's absence. I understand that the whole "Dr. Vince" skit was only done to make Vince look like a total assclown and turn Ross into an even more sympathetic figure to the fans, if possible. I understand the need to do things to build up the purpose behind the Stone Cold - Coach match at Taboo Tuesday and the long-term feuding with Austin versus The McMahons. I understand all of that.

I appreciate sick and demented humor. I love fart jokes, pratfalls, and totally absurd situations. I even love warped little skits that should never make it to a public viewing. A friend and myself are working on a screenplay right now that contains all of the above and makes movies like "Scary Movie", "Airplane", "The Naked Gun" series, etc.. look like a trip to Sesame Street. The more messed up, the better. That's my motto!

But after saying all of that, I think about the "Dr. Vince" skit on RAW a couple of weeks ago and still just end up shaking my head. It wasn't funny-funny or even stupid funny. It was just sad. You hear that Vince? Sad! I thought the "Mae Young Giving Birth To A Hand" bit and the whole "Katie Vick" segments were bad... and they were, but I got it! This time, I just don't get it anymore. Maybe it's the colon surgery thing. Who knows? But for about seven minutes last Monday night, I was ashamed to be a wrestling fan. Thank you, Vince, for that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, bite me!

LOOKING FOR COLUMNISTS AND PEOPLE WHO KNOW WRESTLING...

Feel like writing a column or recapping your favorite wrestling program for an up and coming wrestling website. The Wrestling Headquarters (www.thewrestlingheadquarters.com) wants YOU! For more information, contact Jennifer@thewrestlingheadquarters.com. Give it a shot! What have you got to lose?

Best wishes go out to "Big Sexy" Kevin Nash. Get well soon, Kev!

LOOKING FOR FRIENDS IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES...

MY STUFF....

Come join my group of friends at MySpace.com by clicking this link right here...http://www.myspace.com/33851449.

I've also got a page set up at Hi5 and I'm looking for friendly faces and cool contacts there as well. Here's the link: http://www.hi5.com/i?l=EOGSWPP.

Come join my groups of friends and get to know the man behind the insanity. Or just check out my personal blog site at: http://saltpalace.blogspot.com.

CONGRATULATIONS TO THERESA & BILLY - WHO TIED THE KNOT THIS PAST WEEKEND. CRAZY KIDS! LOVE YA BOTH! CALL ME!

THE WIT AND WISDOM OF: BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN

"The two things that scare me most about wrestling fans is that they're allowed to vote and allowed to reproduce!"

"It takes a good man to beat Tito Santana. It just won't take him very long."

"If your last name was Finkel, would you name your kid Howard?"

"Once you wrestle Rikki Attakki, an hour later, you want to wrestle him again."

Jim Ross: "Back in Oklahoma Bobby, we called a match like this a slobberknocker!"
Heenan" "I thought that's what they called the waitress down at the Tip Top Cafe in downtown Tulsa."

WHO AM I?

Does anyone remember the last "Who Am I?" It's been a while so let me go back and check. Oh yeah - the answer was Allan Funk, who wrestled in WCW as Kwee Wee... Congratulations to: REESY CHAMBERS, HAROLD SCHWAN, "BAMA BOY" CHAD BURTTRAM, my fellow DXSI mod, the incomparable X-PAC... and "The Internet's Most Homicidal, Genocidal, Insane part-time columnist ever, the one and only SABU STEVE DOLGOSH (who needs to be writing for the Wrestling HQ **hint-hint**). If I missed anyone, I apologize. My page of notes is from that last column is barely readable anymore. Anyhow, here is the new one:

Let's try this a little bit differently. This is a quote from Ric Flair's autobiography, "To Be The Man". Tell me who said this quote:

"Listen to what I have to say. Ric Flair is the greatest champion of all time! As for me, I am a champion... only because I have some big shoes to fill."

That's the quote. Who spoke those words. Inquiring minds want to know!

And I'm going to close this up on that note. I have a few more things to rant about, but this is already much longer than I anticipated. And I still have a Velocity recap to do sometime tonight, plus try to get some sleep before RAW comes on. A busy day indeed. So I'll end this now.

Any comments or questions - just drop me a line at either Doug28352@yahoo.com or Doug@thewrestlingheadquarters.com. Have a great night and don't forget to check out Taboo Tuesday tomorrow night on PPV. Have a safe and Happy Halloween. I'm Doug and "dat is all de' people need to know!" Until the next time, see ya!