(Retro) Tiger Tales - June 28, 2009

Tiger Tales
June 28, 2009
Doug "Hobbes" Maynard

So picture this. I'm laying the bed and killing some sleep. It's early (for me) - just a little after midnight, but it's been a long day and I was tired. So I crawled into the bed and cut on the fan and was dreaming dreams of getting away from it all, walking in the woods, chasing rainbows and flying kites. And then...

Knock - knock - knock... on the outside of my bedroom window. Not loudly, but just loud enough to get my attention. I jump up with a start, thinking that the Fashion Police have seen my choice of wardrobe for the last twenty years and have decided to pull a raid.

But I'm dressing much better these days and have actually learned how to tuck a shirt tail in and wear a tie if absolutely necessary. So who is it?

Maybe it's the "good taste police" who are after me for this little joke I repeated at work after hearing about the death of "The King Of Pop" Michael Jackson. It goes, "Why did Michael Jackson go shopping at Wal-Mart? He heard that the boys pants were half off."

Groan!

Yeah, I know it's tasteless, but you're talking to a man who models himself after a cartoon tiger, so what else would you expect? (And just for the record - I would like to express my condolences to the family, friends and fans of Michael Jackson. He was arguably the greatest entertainer of the past thirty years, a great song-writer and very talented artist - and he will be missed!) I tell bad jokes to hide the tears.

But I'll get back to that in a minute or two. I've only told one really tasteless joke (thus far) so it's probably not the bad taste police. They're far too busy with the WWE Creative Teams and Vince Russo to worry about little ol' me.

So there's a knocking at my window. It's 12:23am. And it's my brother in all ways except blood, NWA Wrestling Superstar Michael Youngblood. He had texted me earlier in the day that he might swing by after he finished wrestling in Shalotte, NC... and lo and behold, here he is.

He showed me a quick video of his match from earlier in the night against some Russian dude. It was okay from what I saw, but nothing special. Mike did do a good bump over a row full of chairs though. And we talked for a few minutes and compared notes on a few different things. And Mike was drinking his post-match beer, so that means he's all grabby and huggy. Nothing like getting several bear hugs from a 240lb wrestler in the wee hours of the morning while you're still half asleep.

So we converse a bit and then he departs off into the darkness to take that two hour drive to the place he calls home. And guess what? I'm wide awake. So what is a man to do?

Well, there's a big time WWE PPV called "The Bash" coming up tomorrow afternoon. Well, technically it would be tonight, but I'm still in a Saturday frame of mind, so it's still tomorrow to me. And if there's a PPV to speak of, that means I do predictions.

So I will.

So I'm Hobbes - and this is a special edition of "Tiger Tales - The Bash PPV Predictions".

All together now. "Yay!"

And depending on how tired I am after I do the prediction thing, I may have a few other things as well. No promises, but we'll see.

Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon - Rest In Peace!

Predictions For The Bash...

Three Stages of Hell Match (Regular, Falls Count Anywhere, Stretcher) - WWE Championship
Randy Orton (c) versus Triple H

OK, let's break this down, fall by fall. The first fall is a regular match. Randy is the slimy low-life, while HHH is the popular, strong and ridiculously over beloved of the audience. So HHH wins the first fall, the regular match, rather easily and convincingly.

Then it goes to "Falls Count Anywhere" and this is where being the scum of the earth works in Randy's favor. Look for Legacy to get involved and shenanigans to ensue and Randy will win the second fall to tie things up.

And then it's on to the stretcher match. HHH takes one helluva beating while trying to recover from the second fall and it looks as if Randy is ready to lay Hunter out for good and take it home. But HHH starts to "Hunt Up" and do the shaking thing. He points at Randy and says, "You!". Three punches and a big boot (or a spine-buster as the case may be). The pedigree and Randy is placed on the stretcher and hauled to the finish line

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Triple H

World Championship Match
CM Punk (c) versus Jeff Hardy

This match, along with one other, will probably be the best matches of the night. Jeff and Punk are both so unique and original characters in the cookie-cutter world of WWE - and given their lives, their personalities, their attitudes, etc... are natural rivals.

I love the way they've been portraying Punk as a bit of an ass, but still fan friendly. He's been the ultimate tweener and it works so well for the World Champion. And Jeff - is he staying with the WWE or leaving for a while to go "find himself"? No one seems to know for sure.

Look for a great match with lots of action and plenty of two-counts and near falls. And after taking the audience on a roller coaster ride that leaves everyone gasping to find their breath and wanting more, look for a GTS out of nowhere to put away Jeff as Punk retains the big gold belt.

Winner and STILL World Champion: CM Punk

Championship Scramble - ECW Championship
Tommy Dreamer (c) vs. Christian vs. Mark Henry (with Tony Atlas) vs. Fit Finlay vs. Jack Swagger

So is it really time for the Tommy Dreamer era to end? I like this match in that all five participants are very strong characters and it really seems that everyone has a chance to be the next ECW Champion.

If Dreamer is one of the first two out, he's losing the title, but if he's not there until the end, he could very well end up keeping the gold. For such a small roster, ECW has really become the show to watch for great wrestling and strong characters and matches that make sense. I honestly have no idea what WWE will do here.

I don't think we'll see Henry or Finlay as the champs and Christian doesn't need the title. I'll go with Swagger over Dreamer in the end and the "All American American" regaining the title, with a little help from Tony Atlas. Why not?

Winner and NEW ECW Champion: Jack Swagger

Title versus Mask - Intercontinental Championship
Chris Jericho (c) versus Rey Mysterio

Rey's not losing the mask. That's pretty obvious, so Jericho dominates and decimates the smaller Lucha-superstar, but in the end, probably via a moment of Jericho-overconfidence, Rey Rey sneaks in a "619" and snatches victory (and the IC title) from the jaws of defeat.

Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion: Rey Mysterio

Unified Tag Team Championship Match
Carlito and Primo Colon (c) versus Legacy (Cody Rhodes & Ted DiBiase)

It seems to me that everyone expects to see Legacy easily dominate Carlito and Primo and walk out of the PPV as the Unified Champs. That's what everyone expects. But I've been thinking and it seems to me that Ted DiBiase has a movie coming out soon in "The Marine II" and even though it's going to be a straight to video release, more people are apt to buy the movie if they like Teddy rather than if they hate him.

So with that in mind, I think we'll see the Colon's retain their titles with a come-from-behind win and pin of DiBiase. This sets the seeds for later when Randy and Cody, looking for a scapegoat to blame their own failures on, can turn on DiBiase and turn him face, thus selling more DVD's of the new movie. Yeah, that makes sense to me.

Besides, I like Carlito and Eddie (Primo) as the champs. They're good for the titles and make good champs. Legacy doesn't need the belts to be over. So look for the champs to keep their belts.

Winners and STILL Champions: Carlito & Primo Colon

WWE Women's Championship
Melina (c) versus Michelle McCool

Melina is awesome, but she's no match for the political stroke and antics of the always smokin' lady-friend of the Phenom. It's not what you can do - it's who shares a bedroom with you that matters most when you're a WWE Diva. And Undertaker > Batista so McCool > Melina. And we get a new Women's Champ.

Winner and NEW WWE Women's Champion: Michelle McCool

No Disqualification Match
Dolph Ziggler versus The Great Khali

Ziggler needs to get a win. And Khali sucks. So look for shenanigans and craziness. Dolph uses a chair, a table, a Domino's pizza, Soce the Elemental Wizard's new CD (Master of Fine Arts - available at www.myspace.com/soce), some Slim Jims, a Snoopy toothbrush, some hair bleach, the new Randy Savage DVD, and a giant foamed finger to take the big man down.

Dolph manages to steal a win and take that trip to the pay window. And then after the match, Khali does the big "suck ass chop" to Dolph's head to get his heat back and crush any momentum that Ziggler might otherwise build... because that's how things work in the WWE.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

John Cena versus The Miz

This is the only match on the show without a title or stipulation attached and I truly think this could be the strongest match of the night. I don't care much for Cena (but does anyone really), but he's a solid performer and always has strong matches. And Miz is probably the best up-and-comer in the WWE right now. He has improved so much over the past couple of years and has really turned into a solid and talented performer. I look at Miz and I see a Chris Jericho or Christian in the making and that is not an insult in the slightest. That's just a testament to just how much better he's become.

When Miz & Morrison were split up as a tag team, who would have thought that Miz would be the guy in the main event mix and not Morrison? But he's worked hard and earned his spot. So kudos to The Miz. He truly is on the way to being exactly what he says he is, "Awesome!".

As for this match, everyone expects to see Cena dominate and decimate and destroy the young, loud-mouthed former reality show star. But if Cena wins, this feud is over and it's got legs to stand on. It's still fresh and interesting and the WWE should milk it and drag it out for a while to help build Miz and cement his spot in the upper tier of the WWE roster.

So look for Cena to dominate. Miz to whine, cry, complain and get his ass handed to him. And then, via shenanigans of course, knock Cena out and steal the win.

Winner: The Miz

So there you go with my thoughts for the WWE Bash PPV for later tonight. Am I right? I might be. I might not be. But we'll find out later today, I guess.

And now, it's several hours later. I made a quick trip over to Yahoo to catch up on my mail and find out who correctly answered the "Who Am I?" from the last column. And well, the mail there had backed up pretty badly, so I spent some time there deleting messages.

And I noticed I had an update from Facebook. Do I even have a Facebook account? Yep, I sure do. So I went there and ended up updating my profile and catching up on things there. And by this time, I could see the sun starting to rise in the sky. Ooops! Me thinks I stayed too long on the other pages and didn't get my column finished.

So I had a choice. Stay up and finish the column or else go to bed and then try to do a rush job and finish this column before I head out to work this morning. Guess which one I decided to opt for? My apologies, but I need my beauty sleep or else Dougie is a very grouchy cashier at work. And no one wants that.

By the way, if you have a Facebook account, add me to your friends list. My Facebook addy is www.facebook.com/saltpalace. And I've still got the MySpace too at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me there too.

After all, you can never have enough "Doug" in your life. That's what I keep telling my boyfriend anyhow. He keeps telling me I'm full of crap, but what does he know? He's just lucky he has that great smile and butt.

Let's wrap this up.

Who Am I?

In the last column, I asked about a long time legend who retired other legends, had a glorious career, married the bosses daughter before Triple H ever had the notion, won World titles, did commentary, played a lot of gold, and gave Curt Hennig the "world's greatest advice".

And of course, it was "The Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko.

Correctly answering were: Harold Schwan, Sakee Wildman, Fran Delehanty, David Boone, Maggie and Justin Perry. Congratulations to you all.

Now for the newbie.

When the ill-fated WCW Invasion of the WWF began, I was the first former WCW Superstar to make an appearance on the WWF television when I came to the ring, along with WCW Owner Shane McMahon to cause a distraction in a match. I eventually left the WWE after a long tenure and have since begun to dance my way to a career in television and movies. Who am I?

Know the answer? Let me know who you think it is at my e-mail address below.

And finally, let's close out with something extremely bad and tasteless. I am so going to burn in hell for this. In keeping with the earlier part of the column, here are some of the worst of the worst. My apologies to anyone this offends, but as I said earlier, the dark humor and laughs are here to hide the tears.

The Top 5 "Tasteless" Michael Jackson Jokes...

(5) A woman at the seaside asked Michael Jackson if he wouldn't mind getting out of her son.

(4) Farrah Fawcett died yesterday and for living a blame free life God granted her one wish. "Make all the children on the world safe" she replied.

(3) Why did Michael Jackson check into the rehab clinic? To cure his 10 year old crack habit.

(2) Why is Michael Jackson like a carrier bag? Both are made from plastic and you shouldn't let your kids play with them.

and finally...

(1) Michael's latest wife is heartbroken after his death and says that she intends to live with her parents to help her work through the grief. Kate and Gerry are so happy that she's coming home.

And on that, I'm going to end this. I probably should have ended it a few lines earlier, but what can I say? I just have to be "Bad".

(Smiles as I moonwalk across the floor...)

Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Add me on the MySpace and Facebook. And I guess that's it.

Oh yeah, my birthday is on this coming Friday (July 3rd) - and I like presents. Just saying....lol.

And I guess that 'dat is all the people need to know for today.

I'm Hobbes and this is "Tiger Tales". And (Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!) - that's my growl.

And I'm gone. See you on the flip side.

Ubuntu!