(Retro) Tiger Tales - June 21, 2009

Tiger Tales
June 21, 2009
Doug "Hobbes" Maynard

What's up? I'm the man they call "Hobbes". You may remember me better as "Doug", the salt-tossing, six-minute man" who wrote two of the most eclectic wrestling columns ever with "Six Minutes" and "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News". But times change and stuff happens and those columns were put on the shelf to make way for a new type of wrestling column called "Tiger Tales".

This is it. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! (That's my growl, by the way.)

I am so freakin' PO'ed right now. Did you ever have one of those days? Mine started while I was still asleep with dreams of being in school again, building trailers and walking out of the school one period early with a cash register drawer under my arms and a wad of cash in my pockets. And stopping to watch two guys fight instead of heading towards my car. Strange stuff, I know. And don't ask me what it means because I honestly don't have a clue.

Nor do I want to know. I just know that I'm losing it (not that I ever really had "it" to start off with) and I need a long, long vacation. A very long vacation. With lots of alcohol, young naked bodies and beach. Lots and lots of ocean and sand and beach and skin. Especially skin.

I think I should just go take a nap.

But anyhow, I came into my computer room and fired the bad boy up so I could pound out and finish up an edition of "Tiger Tales" that I've been working on to be posted today. It's a piece talking about tag team wrestling and the two best individual tag team wrestlers (in my opinion) of the past thirty years. I had written a lot already, but I wanted to get in here and finish it up.

So I typed and wrote for two hours. And I went back and changed a few things and tightened the whole column up as needed and even added a few jokes and warped comments. And just as I went to hit save and call it a morning, my computer froze up like Daniel Pena probably will if he ever comes face to face with Victoria and she decides to question him about his slanderous allegations concerning her and Benoit.

And during my attempts to "unfreeze" it, the usual "Maynard Luck" kicked in and I lost it.... all. I still have the original stuff from where I had began the column a few days ago, but so far as all of my new stuff that I wrote this morning, it's all gone to "Computer Limbo", the home of all lost data when the computer crashes and dies.

So that particular column, about the exploits of the great Arn Anderson and "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton, the two best tag team wrestlers (in my opinion) of all time, will have to wait for another day to see the light (if ever).

But time is fleeting and there is a big time Pay-Per-View going on today. True, it's TNA and hardly anyone will watch it or even cares, but since TNA finally decided to wise up and added the names of Raven, Stevie Richards and Victoria (albeit that stupid ass name of Tara) to their roster, I still have to give it the same TLC and love I give all of the major wrestling PPV's.

Yeah, that means predictions.

So let's jump right to it, OK? Sounds like a plan.

TNA Slammiversary 2009: PPV Predictions

King Of The Mountain Match - TNA World Championship
Mick Foley (c) vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles

Is Foley still the champ? Why? It won't be Joe since he's injured right now - unless TNA decides to pull a WWE and put the title on a guy that can't wrestle. Oh wait - they already have in Foley. Never mind.

Kurt has been champ far too often and "Total Non-Stop Angle" is not a good thing. AJ already has that greatly coveted "Legend's Title" to defend and honor. By the way, where is Booker T? He's nowhere to be found on this PPV and that's just not right. He'll probably end up working a dark match with Eric Young once the bookers realize their mistake.

So that leaves who? Foley as the champ? Nope. It was a mistake to begin with and since he's vowed to defend the title only three or four times a year (who does he think he is? Hulk Hogan?), that means he has to lose the belt.

So the man who created "King of the Mountain", the owner of TNA and the master of the "Stroke" gets to pull out the old guitar and lay out the champ... and once again be the man, the myth, the singer of "Ain't I Great?". Slap-nuts of the world, rejoice... because your savior is coming home to reclaim his glory and gold belt.

Winner and NEW TNA World Champion: Jeff "Choke On That" Jarrett

King Of The Mountain Match - X Division Championship
Suicide (c) vs. Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Chris Sabin vs. Alex Shelley

I'm already tired of the whole "everyone hates suicide" story-line. If they want to hate someone, hate on Don West. He's annoying. Or hate on Dave Penzer. Oops. I think they already do. This breaks down fairly easily. It's the X-Division Champ versus four tag team guys. Singles > Tag Team Wrestlers. So that means the mysterious masked man keeps the title. 'Nuff said!

Winner and STILL X-Division Champion: Suicide

TNA World Tag Team Championship Match
Team 3D (c) versus Beer Money, Inc.

It's time for the old guys to pass the torch and step aside. Team 3D won the last match in Philadelphia, but let's be honest. That was ECW country and if the former Dudley Boyz hadn't won, the fans may have been unhappy. And no one wants unhappy wrestling fans, especially in the "Land of Extreme". So Team 3D won the earlier match and kept their careers and won the titles and all of that jazz.

But it's time for the two men who represent the better things in life (beer and money) to step up and take what should rightfully be theirs. Look for the return of Jackie Moore (aka Miss Jacqueline) as she interferes, causes some shenanigans and allows her men, Robert Roode and James Storm, to come out on top and return to the promised land as the new tag champs.

Winners and NEW TNA World Tag Team Champions: James Storm & Robert Roode - Beer Money, Inc.

TNA Knockouts Championship Match
Angelina Love (c) versus Tara

I hate the new name, but Victoria is just plain awesome. And if she doesn't win, we riot. Simple as that. I like Angelina Love, but this is Victoria. So there you go.

Winner and NEW TNA Knockouts Champion: Tara (Victoria)

Roster Spot On The Line
"The Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels vs. Shane Douglas

Why is Daniels putting his roster spot on the line? Is he that anxious to break out the "Hot & Spicy" fish suit again? This might be a fun match since Douglas is a smart wrestler. But he's so far out of shape, it's crazy.

It'll be short as Daniels carries the former "Franchise" to a passable match and we'll see shenanigans and craziness. But in the end, it'll be the "Fallen Angel" who flies high and has his arm raised in victory. As for Douglas, it'll be a quick return back to "clean-up on Aisle 14". Yeppers, I said it.

Winner: "The Fallen Hot & Spicy Angel Fish" Christopher Daniels

Sting's M.E.M Spot On The Line
Sting versus Matt Morgan

This one might be good. Sting isn't what he was at one time, but Morgan is really improving and is capable of putting on a good match. I don't like the idea of a non-World Champion in the whole "Main Event Mafia" mix, but I look at Morgan and he would really make a good addition to the group. And I think Sting's whole "heel run" with the bad boys of TNA is wearing out it's welcome and ready to be ended.

By the way, where are Kevin Nash and Scott Steiner. Much like Booker, who I mentioned earlier, these guys are the true "stars" of TNA and you can't really have a major PPV without them. I guess they'll join Booker in the dark match and wrestle against Eric Young, Shark Boy and Kip James in a pre-show match.

But back to this match. I think that Sting's time with the M.E.M. is nearly over, and Morgan would make a great replacement. But I'll look for sometime in the next few weeks, to have the M.E.M. do a "Horseman" type deal and physically eject Sting from their ranks with a big time beat-down. Then he can do the whole "revenge" thing and it'll be 1989 all over again. As for this match, Morgan carries the match, but in the end, the man who takes that trip to the pay window is the man called Sting.

Winner: Sting

Mixed Tag Team Monsters Ball Match
Raven & Daffney (w/ Dr. Stevie) versus Taylor Wilde & Abyss

Raven? Abyss? Daffney? Stevie Richards? Taylor Wilde? Which one of these names doesn't belong? Four out of five are crazy. And Taylor is....well, she's not. Why are they watering down the whole "Monster's Ball" concept by using it two months in a row? Well, not that anyone really remembers last months Knockout fiasco anyhow, so I guess it's OK.

I hope the women stay wisely to the side and just let Abyss and Raven do their thing and go totally psycho on each other. And I expect that Stevie will end up eating a bag of thumbtacks. This could be good or it could suck to high heaven. I'm hoping for the good.

Look for plunder galore and blood, sweat, tears and maybe some indecent exposure by Taylor. (One can hope, right? I'd rather see Stevie, but I'm doing as I always do - thinking of you - my readers first! So nip slip by Taylor for the "Tiger Tales" fans. Gotta keep 'em happy.)

And in the end, it's the true crazy-ass combination of the Screamer, The Whiner and The Sidekick that take home a big time victory.

Winners: Raven & Daffney

And there you go. My predictions for the TNA PPV, Slammiversary 2009. And unlike the last WWE PPV, where I bombed big time in my predictions (only getting two matches right), this time, I'm going for 100%. Watch and see.

Let's close this bad mama up.

Who Am I?

In the last edition of "Tiger Tales", I did a big time "Who Am I?" and had a whopping four responses. Correctly guessing that "Number One" Paul Jones was the answer were: Sakee Wildman, Harold Schwan, Alan Coffell and Leslie Brewer.
My thanks to all that answered and congratulations.

Here's a new one.

During my many glorious years as a professional wrestler, I did many things. I retired legends, won World Titles, married the bosses daughter (before it was the thng to do), bought titles, worked commentary and filed lawsuits against the WWE. But one of the things I'm most proud of is when I helped a rising young star become a World Champion by offering him what I've always referred to as "the world's greatest advice". Who Am I?
Simple if you think about it. Or is it? Hmmmm! Think you know the answer? Drop me a line at the e-mail address below.

And that's it for me. I'm going to run to Wal-Mart to get some ink cartridges for my printer and then I'm going to take a nap. Questions, comments and the answer to the "Who Am I?" can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com.

Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace. Add me as a friend - you know you want to.

And on that, I'm gone. I'm Hobbes and this has been "Tiger Tales". And dat' is all de' people need to know.

See you next time.

Ubuntu.