(Retro) Six Minutes - September 27, 2005

Six Minutes
September 27, 2005
Doug Maynard


"When I get my hands on you, you're gonna be N.W.A. Not without asswelts!"
~ Homer Simpson ~

And so it begins again - another mind numbing edition of "Six Minutes" - the wrestling column that's guaranteed to make you go "What the ...?" at least once.


I'm Doug and this is the wrestling column of the future - Lord help us all!



There is so much to get to and talk about. "What?", you ask? Well, read on, my friends and find out. What? You didn't think I was going to give a table of contents or something, did you? And ruin the surprises? Nah! That'll never happen. Maybe next week, but for now, you have to read to find out all the latest bullshi.., I mean news. Heh! Let's do this!



Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this column are mine and mine alone and do not necessarily represent the views of any website, yahoo group or anyone else. Mostly I'm just talking and rambling! Don't be a hater, playa!



I don't know about you, but when I look at WWE superstar Carlito, I see a life sized Chia Pet with legs. I know! That's not cool! But Carlito and Chris Masters feuding with "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. Ric gets one more run in the spotlight as the WWE Intercontinental Champion, plus gets to pass on his knowledge and give a major rub to Masters and Carlito. You know what? That's cool. It's called passing the torch and giving back to the business. I wonder if Hulk Hogan is taking notes?



Does anyone not know yet that the WWE is moving back to the USA Network next Monday? I missed RAW last night, but after reading about Spike TV's attempts to censor any mention of USA on the show.... well, I thought that was hilarious. Vince got censored! How often does that happen? Expect to see several subtle (or maybe not so subtle) shots taken at Spike next week when RAW re-debuts on USA. Or then again, maybe Vince will take the high road and let it all slide. Nah, I don't think so either.



Instead of waiting until next week and WWE Homecoming (on the USA Network - at 7:55 pm - just in case you've been living under a rock) - last night would have been a good night to bring back "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. I know! I know! As a wrestler, he sucks. And he's not much of a promo guy either, in my opinion. But think about it. What do the fans chant when Duggan makes an appearance? "USA, USA, USA"... Talk about a subtle way to get the message across. And there wouldn't have been a thing Spike TV could have done about it.



Anyhow, look for RAW on the new (old) network next week. I'll be doing a recap of the show exclusively for The Wrestling Headquarters that night, so look for that as well.



Oh yeah - I guess this might be a good time to mention that www.thewrestlingheadquarters.com is coming back to life. After being in hiatus for several months, Jen, Suzie and others are hard at work and the Wrestling HQ is back. And we're looking for columnists, show recappers for RAW, SmackDown!, Heat & Velocity (from WWE.com), TNA Impact!, and all the major PPV's. And news reporters too. If you think you have what it takes to contribute to a major wrestling website or have any questions, just contact the boss, Jen at jennifer@thewrestlingheadquarters.com. Or contact me and I'll put you in touch with our beloved leader. My e-mail addys are at the bottom of the column. Come on now and give it a shot. What else have you got to do?



Right now, we're looking at October 1, 2005 as the date when everything will start rolling along at the HQ. That's on Saturday folks, so mark your calendars and be sure to check us out!



But just to ease everyone's minds, just because I'll be a major participant in the new Wrestling HQ site - don't expect me to be leaving the UK's greatest wrestling site ever, www.wrestle-zone.co.UK anytime soon. They've been good to me, and just like that little kitten you feed one time, I'll never truly go away. Paps and Gary - ya'll are the best for putting up with me and my screwed up ways. Thank you much, and I hope that "Six Minutes" and "Wrestle-Zone.co.UK" continue to have a long and prosperous relationship for many years to come! All this means is that I'll be working with the best damn sites on both sides of the Atlantic. Whamm! Double your pleasure and double the fun. Two sites with Dougie instead of just one! Does that sound as cheesy as it looks? Oh well! I'm trying!



Speaking of new websites, the original "Hardcore Legend" (not counting John Holmes, Linda Lovelace, or Rufus), Terry Funk, has opened a new site at http://www.terryfunk.com. There's not much to it right now, but Funk has some big plans for his site so keep checking it out.



And other website news to mention, since I'm on a roll, is that the largest and best wrestler-owned website on the net today, in my opinion, has changed it's addy. www.Totally-Kronik.com has moved to a new address at www.Kronikwrestling.com. The site continues to grow and just gets better and better. Go check it out and keep up with biggest and baddest team of the late 90's - Brian Adams & Bryan Clark. And remember, it's all about Kronik! One more time. It's now www.Kronikwrestling.com. Go check it out.



Speaking of Kronik, Bryan Clark will be representing Kronik and appearing at "Legends of the Ring 3" on October 1, 2005 in Edison, NJ from 9:30am to 11:30 am, signing autographs and greeting the fans. Brian Adams was hoping to attend as well, but due to doctors orders (no flying, no long trips driving) - he won't be able to attend. But even 1/2 of Kronik is better than none. Also appearing will be such wrestling luminaries as Luna Vachon, Kevin Sullivan, "The Doctor of Style" Slick, and "Dirty" Doug Gilbert. Plus many others. So if you live in the Tri-State area, go check it out. It should be a great time and it's a great opportunity to meet some of the true legends of the greatest sport in the world, professional wrestling.



Happy (Belated) Birthday to former professional wrestler Abe Coleman who turned 100 years old this past Thursday. Coleman was nicknamed "The Hebrew Hercules" and "The Jewish Tarzan" and wrestled from 1929 - 1955 in the north-east and Canada.

(Credit: 1wrestling.com)



WHO AM I?



I brought back this classic feature from the old "Tossing Salt" columns last week and the response was incredible. I haven't had that many responses to a column in quite a while. So at least I know that some of ya'll are actually reading these things. Cool! Anyhow, the answer to last week's "Who Am I?" was the youngest son of a wrestling Icon, the former "Road Dogg" from the WWE, the current "B.G. James" in TNA - the one and only Brian Armstrong. And the man can play "Dixie" on his belly button. What talent! Correctly answering were: REESY CHAMBERS, "SABU" STEVE DOLGOSH, CHAD V., the incomparable SUZIE Q., RAW QUARTERS, HAROLD SCHWAN, "BAMA BOY" CHAD BURTTRAM (Hey Chad - the HQ is coming back. Sounds like time for a good rant, don't ya think?), and DAVID E. HARTINGER. Great job and much thanks to everyone who participated.



Now, time for a newbie... This one will be a bit harder. Good luck!



I was the commentator for one of the longest running regional wrestling shows in history. I began my career in the early seventies and continued until the mid-nineties when the company was bought out by an eccentric billionaire and went national. I was also a weather man and newscaster for the TV station where the local wrestling program was filmed and the wrestling thing was my side job. I was one of the announcers at the first "Starcade" and the first "Clash of the Champions". I worked for U.S. Senator Jesse Helms (R- NC) as a legislative assistant from the mid-eighties until the late 90's when I decided to retire. I was also the voice for Jim Cornette's wrestling promotion for a short time in the late nineties. Who Am I?



There are quite a few obvious clues there. You think you know the answer? Drop me a line at Doug28352@yahoo.com and put "Who Am I?" in the subject box and tell me who you think this legendary announcer is. But I'll help you out a bit here. It's not Gordon Solie. Have fun!



A big shout out here to my bud up in CT - one of the most intelligent and creative people I've ever known! What up Brent? It was great to finally talk to you again a few days ago. Can't wait to see you again! By the way, are you interested in writing a wrestling column? Give me a holler!



WHO'S DA' MAN?...



I saw something yesterday on one of the wrestling sites, (I think it was PWInsider, but I can't say for sure), where they were conducting a poll as to who the "Greatest Wrestling Heel" of all time was/is. That's a hard one when you say "all time", but I'll give it a shot.



I think it needs to be broken down a bit to different eras - because wrestling has changed a great deal over the years and what was a "heel" in the 70's and 80's would probably be cheered out of the building these days. Also, different guys received different reactions in different areas. Ric Flair has almost always been cheered in the Mid-Atlantic region, but everywhere else he went, he was booed. That has to be taken into consideration as well. So I'll break it down to the 70's, 80's, 90's and today... and just list who I feel were the top heels of that decade. These picks are only my opinions, so feel free to argue with me and disagree.



The 70's....



Ivan Koloff - He took the WWWF Championship away from Bruno Sammartino. 'Nuff said!



The Sheik - The original madman psycho of professional wrestling. Today, he would be cheered, but back then, breaking the rules and butchering your opponent was not considered a good thing. And no one was better at this than the Sheik.



Abdullah the Butcher - See my above answer. It still applies.



Greg "The Hammer" Valentine - He "broke" Wahoo McDaniel's leg. In the Carolina's, that was unheard of. Valentine still has heat with many fans even now because of that. And then he went to the WWF, and did the same thing to Jay Strongbow. Valentine is one of the all-time best ring villains of all time.



The 80's...



Roddy Piper - The psychological master. Piper was the best in getting under people's skins. He still is. Just when you think you know all the answers, he changes the questions. Belee' dat!



Ric Flair - This is the era where he first became known as the "Dirtiest Player in the Game". And that's a title he earned every letter of.



Harley Race - Race is a soft spoken man for the most part. He's not flashy or overly-arrogant. But he just had a way about him that got people riled up. Everyone respected Harley, but he's the man that everyone always wanted to see get beat.



Dusty Rhodes - OK, I know he was a big fan favorite. Everyone loved Dusty. Well, I didn't and it's my list. He got on my nerves then and he gets on my nerves now - so he makes the list. Besides, he was more arrogant and broke more rules than any rulebreaker around. He just got cheered for it instead of booed. A sign of things to come in wrestling.



The Four Horsemen - The original "super group" of heels - all champions and all living with a "win at all cost" attitude. They were arrogant. They were flashy. They broke every rule and didn't care who knew it. Oh yeah - and they were among the very best in the biz, in that ear and ever. And nobody could stand Tully Blancard. He was easily among the most hated men ever at that point in his career.



Hulk Hogan - see Dusty Rhodes..



The 90's...



The Honky Tonk Man - He's probably more 80's than 90's but it's all good. He's just downright annoying and an assclown. He knew how to get heat better than anyone, even when he was supposed to be a "fan favorite".



Hulk Hogan - I loved the nWo turn when he turned heel. Remember the ring getting filled with trash from the angry fans as Hogan told the fans to go to hell. That was a great wrestling moment. And it proved what I already knew - that Hogan was the biggest a-hole in the biz at the time. All those years of preaching about "Hulkamania" - and when he finally wised up and told the fans to "stick it" - he was more over than ever. I was even (almost) a fan for a while there. But eventually he reverted back to his power-hungry, egomaniac, red and yellow self. So he's not a real "wrestling heel" - he's just one in real life. (And I still think he should have done the job for Shawn Michaels at the PPV - but that's a rant for another day).



Mr. McMahon - The boss - the man that everybody loves to hate. He was/is an evil genius and this was never more evident than when he took a real life angle (the Bret Hart screwjob) and turned it into one of the greatest wrestling angles of all time.



Eric Bischoff - Notice how the best heels are not actual wrestlers, but authority figures. I guess that nobody likes being told what to do, and this really hit it's peak in the late 90's. No one was a bigger jackass on TV than the real-life Vice President of WCW, Eric Bischoff. (And apparently behind the scenes as well!) He knew what he had to do to bring in the fans and take on the WWE - and did it well. His character today pales in comparison to what he was able to do in WCW, but still attracts major heat. He's just that good!



Kevin Sullivan - The man is just the personification of evil. No one plays a heel and can work a crowd better than Sullivan.



Today...



Kurt Angle - When, even in his home town, he can make 20,000 fans scream in unison, "You Suck!", you know the man is a force to be reckoned with. Kurt can play the "Olympic Hero" or the "Goofball" well, but it's when he truly decides to take the gloves off and be evil that he truly shines.



Chris Masters - There's something about Masters and that attitude that makes you just want to smack him.



JBL - A master of "old school" psychology - he can work a crowd into a frenzy as well as anyone in the business. During his reign as the WWE Champion, he really perfected that technique and is arguably among the top "heels" in the WWE today. He's a victim of over-exposure and needs to take some time off away from TV to regain some of his heat, but he's still among the very best.



Triple H - Look at what I said about JBL - it applies to HHH as well. Nobody will admit to liking HHH, but everyone misses him when he's gone. Why? Because he truly is "that damn good!" Probably the best "all around" performer in wrestling since the heyday of his mentor, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair. HHH would be main event even if he wasn't married to Stephanie McMahon. But he is, and that eats at the people even more. HHH is on top of the world - and he deserves every single bit of it.



I know I've missed quite a few names here, but those are the top guys I can think of right now. Who do you think are/were the top heels in professional wrestling? Send me your lists and I'll put them together to make a "Top 10 Heels" list for a future column. Send the list to my e-mail addy at Doug28352@yahoo.com.



REAL LIFE STORIES FROM CONVENIENT STORE HELL....



I haven't done this in a while, but something happened a few days ago - last Thursday night to be exact, that truly counts among the strangest and most warped things I have seen in quite a while. I talked about this briefly on my blogsite, http://saltpalace.blogspot.com. Here's the post from the Salt Palace.



Last night at work - pure craziness. I've often wondered why I keep working such a dangerous job as 3rd shift cashier in a convenient store when I could easily go work at Wal-Mart or a grocery store and be in a safer, more controlled environment. Now I understand why. Because only on the late shift in a c-store can you see anything and everything. I thought I'd seen it all. Well last night topped it.

Thursday night isn't very busy. The first hour is pretty much insane and after about 12:30 - it's steady but nothing major. Well last night, while I was doing my thing, ringing up customers and making small talk and all that - saw a lot of familiar faces, but that's for later....lol. A couple of guys came in - two white guys, probably in their late teens or early 20's. I've seen them in the store before and didn't think too much of it. They bought a couple of drinks and a pack of smokes and went to sit down in the booths.

Here's how the store is layed out. You walk in the front doors and you have the booths on the right. Then the register area and counter. The store expands out to the left. If you go to the booths, you can go around to a little cubbyhole behind the register area. This is where we store excess 12 packs of drinks, empty totes, etc. It's pretty much the only blind spot in the entire store where a person can be totally hidden aside from the bathrooms and stockroom. This is important.

The guys move to the booths to sit. I'm ringing up customers and doing my work and not paying them much attention. I had a crowd lined up back towards the coolers (midnight rush) so I'm working on getting them out and making sure that no one tries to run out with a 12 pack of beer or something.

I finally get the crowd out and look over to the booths and no one is there. No problem. They may have snuck out while I was busy. But the drinks and cigs are still there. I walk around to the booths to clear off the tables and happen to glance around in the cubby-hole area. One of the guys is standing there with his back to the booths/me. His friend is on his knees in front of him, knelt down - giving him some oral loving. Yep! In my damn store. While we're open. And customers are drifting in and out. I kind of loudly said, "what the f***?".. and the guy on his knees jumped up, embarrassed. The one who was receiving kind of jolted back to reality and was trying to tuck himself back in.. and having a great deal of problems doing so. He just started apologizing and his friend was apologizing and it was just a totally messed up and awkward situation. I just kind of shook my head and told them that they needed to go somewhere else for that shit. They just kind of shuffled out, grabbing their cigs and drinks on the way out and quickly left. I just started laughing and shaking my head as I headed back up to the front to wait on some customers. I've caught people having sex in the restroom before... and having sex in the parking lot or behind the store before, but NEVER in the store itself... just a few feet out of sight of the customers. Man, they were ready and desperate.

And I have to admit, it was kind of sexy too. They are two great looking guys - real polite and nice .. and very straight acting. I would never have suspected anything with those two. I doubt I'll be seeing either of those two in the store again. Man, they have to be embarrassed. Hell, I'm embarrassed for them. I'm just glad it was me working and not Brenda or Angel or else they'd be in jail right now.

Man, I love 3rd shift sometimes. It's killing me, but it's times like these that I wouldn't trade for anything.



And to follow up that story a bit. I was off the weekend, so I don't know if either guy came back to the store on Saturday or Sunday or not. But I worked 2nd shift last night - and guess who came in? One of the guys - the one who was being pleasured by his friend. I just smiled as he came to the register. He hadn't noticed that I was the one working when he came in the store - I'm usually not there quite that early. Talk about turning red quickly. He was so embarrassed again. He started apologizing again and making excuses about "being drunk". I just laughed and told him not to worry about it. I'll never tell anyone. (Oops!) He seemed relieved, although still very red in the face. He paid for his stuff and was leaving. I shouted at him to tell his friend, "What's up!" for me. He just looked back and smiled, turning red-faced again as he hurried out the door. Yeah - I was being an assclown, but I've got to have fun with it while I can, right?



FANTASY MATCHES...



Have you ever wanted to see two certain wrestlers lock up and have a match, but it just never happened. Maybe they were in different companies or maybe from different eras. But it's just something that you've always wanted to see? Well, for the past few weeks, I've been working on a fantasy wrestling thingee called "NWA Danger Zone Wrestling" where I'm mixing stars from the 80's and 90's with stars from today. And let me tell you, booking a show every week and creating story lines is much harder than I thought. But I'm having fun with it and the response so far in my Yahoo groups has been great. I may try to create a site just for this fantasy group sometime in the near future. Who knows? But I want some suggestions on what to do next? What stars should I use? Who should wrestle who? Any suggestions or ideas would be greatly appreciated. Just let me know if you have a dream match and I'll try to incorporate it into my story lines in some manner.


CHEAP PLUGS...



Come join two of the best wrestling chat groups on Yahoo: DX Suck It! at http://sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/dxsuckit and WWE Fanzzone at http://sports.groups.yahoo.com/group/wwefanzzone. There's a little something for everyone as it pertains to wrestling - so come join the fun. The party is just beginning at DXSI and The Zone. Join now!



HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend, Tatitia Paige - who turned 38 this past Friday... and to my niece, J. Paige Roland - who turned a big 14 this past Tuesday. Lots of love to both of you! Happy Birthday again!



THE WIT & WISDOM OF... JESSE "THE BODY" VENTURA



Pure and simple - time for some gems of wisdom from the mouth of one of wrestling's most unique superstars and the former Governor of the state of Minnesota, Jesse "The Body" Ventura...



"Win if you can, lose if you must, Always cheat." -1984

"Cheating is part of sports too." Surivor Series 1987.

"I'm better than Leaping Lanny Poffo, that's for sure." Survivor Series 1987.

(After Randy Savage blasts Ricky Steamboat in the head with brass knucks. The spot was Savage on the outside picking the knucks in his tights, and Steamboat went for a back suplex, and wham.) "Aw. He just hit him. He hit him. You're worse than the Richard Nixon tapes, I'll tell you that!" Wrestling Classic, 1985.

(After a replay Gorilla Monsoon says look at Savage stuffing his tights with the object.)
"STUFFED WHAT?" - Wrestling Classic, 1985.

(During a face vs. face match with Orndroff and Tito Santana.)

"I can't believe Wonderful. Tito is injured, what is this?"
(He's also a sportsman Jess)
"A Sportsman . . . Sportsman are only involved in duck hunting and pheasant hunting." - Wrestling Classic 1985.

(A pissed off Stunning Steve Austin blasts US Champion Dustin Rhodes in the head with the US belt after Dustin retained)
"What a show of sportsmanship on the part of Steve Austin. He presented the belt back to Dustin" -Halloween Havoc or Starrcade 1993.

"Well Tony, I always considered myself a sportsman." WCW 1993, unknown.

"What an entrance by the SHOCK-MAssssssster . . . ." (Jesse breaks up after Fred Ottman f**ks up his entrance. July, 1993, WCW)

(Adrian Adonis, in full drag, attacks Hogan during a Paul Orndorff match on SNME!)
"LOOK SOMEBODYS GRANDMOTHER IS ATTACKING HOGAN" - Sat Night Main Event Aug/Sept 1986.

(Jesse giving Hogan his props after Wrestlemania III, but semi-shooting in the process. During Hogan's pose down.)
(He gave the fans what they wanted Jess)
Jess: He already gave them what they wanted, the win. This is just his egomaniac self out there now.

"Listen to the Puksters"
(What give you the right to call them that)
"Because they are" - Wrestlemania V.

"PUKEAMANIA WILL DIE RIGHT HERE!!" - Wrestlemania V

(Jesse during Hogan's pose down after the double DQ at Wrestlemania IV)
"I'll show you later Gorilla"
(Jesse goes out and poses for five minutes to the biggest pop of the night for just posing. If Hogan was Triple H, he'd been fired within the year. Thankfully it was just Hogan, so Jesse stays for another two.) - Wrestlemania IV.

(Special Guest Gov. Jesse Ventura commentates on Raw. Steve Austin is found knocked unconscious on a stairway.)
"Hey Ross, how do we know somebody attacked him. Maybe he got drunk and passed out!"



THE END...



And that's enough for now! I have a fantasy wrestling show to write and some stats to type up for the Wrestling HQ site. And I have a lunch date this afternoon with a friend. Yeah - he's cute. So I'm outta here! Have a great day! Any questions or comments, drop me a line at Doug28352@yahoo.com or Doug@thewrestlingheadquarters.com. Come check us out and for my recap of the WWE Homecoming up late on Monday night. I'm Doug. See ya!