(Retro) Tiger Tales - July 8, 2009

Tiger Tales
July 8, 2009
Doug "Hobbes" Maynard

I'm Hobbes and this is "Tiger Tales". Happy hot summer to everyone. I hope that everyone in the States had a great 4th of July and that everyone everywhere else is just having a great summer.

So I'm here to write a wrestling column. But jeez, this is kind of weird. I really don't know what to write about. Except for the exciting news that Chyna has been signed to a record deal by Virgin Records. That's semi-interesting. But truthfully, there's really not all that much peaking my interests currently in the WWE or TNA.

Man, I haven't felt this awkward since that time I walked into the medical facility after locking my keys in my car and asked if anyone had an extra hanger I could use.

It was an abortion clinic.

Not a good moment to be sure. Ever been chased by a dozen pissed-off pregnant women? It's not a pretty sight. But I managed to get away. I tossed a bag of jelly-beans in their direction and watched 'em scatter while I ran and hid.

But then again, life is strange. I mean, earlier today, I was watching my cat hitting a cord hanging from our blinds for about 10 minutes or so, and I started thinking to myself, 'this stupid animal is so damn easily amused'.

And then I realized that I'd been staring at a cat playing with a string for ten minutes.

Why don't I just do a recap. Everyone likes recaps, right? Of course you do. So I'll go back and look at one of the recent WWE shows. How about RAW? Did everyone watch RAW last night?

Well, if you did, that's good. Just consider this a "flashback" - just like the acid freaks and Barbra Streisand fans often have.

And if you didn't see it, just consider me your eyes and ears of the Monday night mayhem. I'm watching and recapping just for you. Yeah - you!

And put down that Q-tip - you don't know where it's been.

Looking Back And Getting RAW...

As I was watching this and taking notes, the first thing that came to my mind was that the current WWE RAW roster is now down in Australia on tour. I wonder if we're going to hear about anyone pulling a "Juvi' while they're down there? I'd love to one day actually see the WWE do a "live" RAW or Smackdown from Down Under, much like WCW did back in the Nitro days.

The big match for tonight is Cena versus HHH. It should be OK, but what I'm looking forward to is Ted DiBiase (the original - not the kid.)

It's the Million Dollar Man and he brings out the kid with him. Yay! And Cody too. He announces Jericho and Edge versus Priceless at the Night Of Champions. I don't think that's going to happen. Pre-taped shows - gotta love 'em.

DiBiase makes two matches - Cody versus Mark Henry. Oops! Someone is going to get their ass kicked. And Junior gets to fight young Randall Orton. Junior and Cody aren't happy. But Senior is and does the patented laugh, so it's all good.

Here comes Edge and Jericho and we have a brief face-off before the commercial break. What? Face-off? Is there a chimp loose in the arena? Wrong type of "face-off". My bad.

A good tag match with Edge & Jericho taking on Carlito and Primo. Carlito needs to be a heel again. Primo gets pinned again and Carlito freaks and kicks his butt. Hey, that's not cool.
But if I remember my WWC history correctly, Carlito and Eddie (Primo) had a great feud in WWC a few years ago that went over really well. They had some great matches. So why not repeat it in the WWE? Carlito can petition for a spot in Legacy (I think there may be an opening soon) and Primo can become the loving baby-face superstar that he's destined to be. Sounds like a plan.

Randy Orton confronts Cody & Junior in the back. Words are exchanged and we get to hear the classic "my dad is better than your dad" line. Love it!

Rundown time for the new faces on the WWE Roster. We've got Evan Bourne (looks good - gonna get beat every week), Mark Henry (somebody gonna get their ass kicked), Jack Swagger (I'm liking this guy - he's going to be good one day - a classic slimy heel type), Gail Kim (last of the old-school WWE Divas - I miss Ivory!) and Alicia Fox (she looks hot - gotta admit it... but she's no Ivory!).

It's Diva action as we get Maryse and Alicia Fox against Mickie James & Gail Kim. Not a bad match at all. Maryse isn't a great wrestler, but she has the mannerisms and antics of a great heel down pat. Mickie and Gail are good in the ring. And Alicia is hot. A nice little match and Gail finally gets to win a match as she pins the Divas Champ.

Cody tries to buy off the Million Dollar Man and Teddy Sr. cuts a great heel promo on the youngster. Teddy Sr. hates Dusty Rhodes. Don't we all, Teddy? Cody still has to fight Mark Henry and DiBiase threatens to put him in polka dots. Damn, I wish he would. That would be awesome. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! (My evil million-dollar laugh!)

We see a replay from last week. RKO fought Sexual Chocolate and got his ass kicked. Great stuff.

Cody takes on Henry and gets whooped like Grandma after taking a late night walk down at the docks. Henry dominates and Cody takes a walk.

We see John Cena in the back and he's shadow boxing. For some reason, that reminds me of "Shadow Dancing" by Andy Gibb. And what's up with Cena's shirt? As if ripping off the AWA logo for a shirt design wasn't enough, he's now ripping off John Deere tractors too? Be original, Cena. What's next? A sparkly white glove and a Fedora?

They show one of the millions of commercials for the upcoming movie, "Bruno". It's either going to be very funny or very offensive. Or offensively funny. I'm looking forward to seeing it. After watching "Bruno" put his ass in the face of Eminem at the MTV Video Music Awards, this movie moved immediately to the top of my "must see" list.

We get to see young Randall Orton versus Junior DiBiase. A good match in parts and I can easily see this being a Wrestlemania level match at some point in the future. Both men got in some spots and Junior loss, but looked strong in doing so. It's no shame to lose to the WWE Champion. I don't like Randall much, but this is easily the match of the night thus far.

HHH talks. I start to doze off and then notice Josh Matthews there. He's the last WWE Tough Enough alumni from Season 12 left in the WWE right now, isn't he? Who all is left from TE? Josh Matthews, John Morrison and The Miz. Hmmm! Line these three guys up against a wall and look at them closely. Which one doesn't really seem to fit in here? Why, Miz of course. Why? Cause Josh is a dweeb and Morrison is kind of lost in the Smackdown shuffle.

But Miz? He's awesome! Just ask him - he'll tell you so.

We see MVP with the View chick at the BET awards. Ballin'...

It's a scaled down version of the VIP Lounge and MVP looks as if he just woke up from a nap. I like naps. I took two today. He panders to the fans and brings out Jack Swagger. We get a little back and forth. MVP made mistakes and is doing the right thing. Swagger is an ass and doesn't fight criminals. Yeah, I've heard it all before. It should make for a good little mid-card feud to pass the time.

But thinking about it, I think I'd rather see Swagger be used as maybe a partner for a certain former undisputed champion in defending the tag titles. He'd be great in that role. Just a thought that I'll expand more on later.

We see a confrontation between Sr. and Junior backstage. Dad tries to talk to the boy, but the boy won't listen and slaps Senior. Teddy looks upset. Junior stalks off. They're planting the seeds. Ted Jr. is a "face" by December.

Just flipped over to Fox News for a second and learned something amazing. If Katherine Jackson can't or won't care for Michael Jackson's children, it's in his will that Diana Ross is supposed to get custody.

OK! If they wanted proof that Michael was having mental issues, I think that little clause just clinched it. Diana Ross as the mother of Michael Jackson's kids? Oh vey!

We see the Big Show and Kofi from last week. Show was screwed!

Kofi and Evan Bourne have a good match. Evan actually wins! What the...?

That shooting star press was amazing. I wonder what Billy Kidman is sitting and thinking as he watches that?

Awwwww! They're friends. And here comes the Big Show. And any heat that Bourne got for winning the match gets thrown at the window as Show destroys both men easily and ends the scene by crushing Kofi by "humbling him" with a "Shades of the Iron Sheik" camel clutch.

We see a John Cena autograph session. People come to get pictures and autographs. And no one still wants to watch or buy "12 Rounds". Sorry John, but Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, you're not.

Josh is back again and interviews Cena. He puts over HHH and their match. And he's itching to get back into the hunt and once more proclaim those words that everyone wants to hear, "I like cheese!". And something about "the champ" too. What? You mean Ric Flair is visiting and in the house?

It's a "Dave Batista presents the Night Of Champions Number One Contender Tournament Final" match. It's Cena versus HHH. The match is OK, but it really didn't live up to the hype or expectations by a long shot. Legacy came out and got involved and the bell was called for by the ref. It's dinner time. No, it's a double-disqualification. Bummer way to end the match.

So Orton comes out and since no one won, he won't see either of them at the PPV. And here comes Teddy Senior. No one won, but also, no one lost either. So the match at the PPV is now a triple-threat match. Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Randy looks disgusted. Legacy looks upset. And strangely enough, John Cena looks ready to cry. But then again, he always looks that way. He must watch his own movies. I know that they make me want to cry.

And that was RAW (or at least my recapped version of it.) It was a good show and never really stalled out too much. The bits with "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase were awesome and it really freshened up RAW a great deal. It's kind of sad that a character from twenty-five years ago is the best thing on a show today, but still. I was a little unhappy that we didn't see any Santino Marella, Chavito or Miz on the show, but maybe next week.

And doing this recap made me think of two things that I can talk about briefly here in the column. The first thing is the Edge / Jericho Unified Tag Team Championship reign and what the WWE will... or should do now that Edge is injured and won't be able to wrestle again most likely until 2010. And the other thing is the whole concept of "Guest Hosts". Which one should I tackle first?

Tag Team Title Drama...?

How about the Unified Tag Team Championship. With Edge injured, there is no way to keep the titles on the team of Edge and Jericho. Or is there? Most likely, the WWE will strip the champs of the belts and make a "Top Contenders" match at the PPV with two or three top teams battling it out for the titles. And that's OK.

But then my memory goes back to the early eighties and a situation here in the Mid-Atlantic region. The NWA World Tag Team Champions were Ole and Gene Anderson. Gene was injured and couldn't defend the titles, so Ole was given the chance to pick partners and defend the titles. Of course, he picked Ray "The Crippler" Stevens as his partner and tried to sacrifice Ray to protect the titles and a classic feud was born.

So why not have Jericho go to Vince McMahon and be given a chance to keep the titles. Since Edge is injured, allow Jericho to either pick one partner to take Edge's spot in the team. Or even better, allow Jericho to pick a different partner with each defense of the titles. Either way would allow Jericho to travel between all three brands, which is a definite bonus, and allow him to really develop his heel character as he (Jericho) gets more and more desperate to keep the titles and hold on to that gold.

If Jericho can only pick one partner, the logical choice would be the "brother" of his current (injured) partner, Christian. Yeah, I know that Christian is supposed to be a baby-face and he's one of the top guys on ECW, but as shown time and time again in the past, a Chris Jericho / Christian tag team has wheels and could really elevate the tag team divisions and help boost ratings too. They're a great team and it's a logical solution to the problem of Edge's injury. After all, if you can't have Edge, wouldn't his "brother" make the most sense?

Or if they went the other direction, Jericho could "pick and choose" his partners for different matches. Jack Swagger could learn quite a bit from teaming on occasion with the "Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla" and it would really help develop his character as well. Miz would make another great choice for Jericho's partner. And could anyone really argue with a Chris Jericho - John Morrison tag team?

And this could even be taken a step farther. Have the powers-that-be rule that Jericho can use different partners in defending the titles, but then have the GM's (Tiffany and Teddy Long) screw with Jericho by naming his partners for him. Can you imagine Jericho being forced to team with Jamie Noble, Goldust, Festus, Santino Marella, etc. to defend his titles. If he doesn't team with them, he's stripped of the belts.

It would make for so many fun and entertaining situations with Jericho. He'd be crying "conspiracy" all over the place and caught between the literal rock and the hard place. It would be some great TV and could really be used to elevate some of the lower-tier WWE Superstars.

Of the three options I've come up with (a regular partner, picking different partners, having partners picked for him), I like the last option the best. It'd really suck for Jericho's chances to keep the gold, but given what we all know that Jericho is capable of doing and the promo's he's capable of cutting, this would definitely be the most fun and entertaining way for the WWE to go.

Guest Hosts...?

The other thing that last night's edition of RAW make me think about was the whole "Guest Host" idea. The first week, with Batista, didn't do anything for me. But last night, with Ted DiBiase, was a totally different picture. DiBiase was so refreshing and added so much to the program. He played the concerned father, the nasty little heel and the baby-face GM all at the same time... and didn't come across as awkward or phony doing it. He stayed in character and was just damn good.

So that made me start thinking about who I would like to see come in as future "Guest Hosts" of Monday Night Raw. Here are the top names that I came up with.

Ric Flair: This one is very obvious and we all know that it's not a question of if it will happen, but when. Check your calendars and the next time that RAW is being taped in Charlotte or Greenville, SC, I'd expect to hear a lot of "Wooing" going on.

Roddy Piper: Piper just got himself a DWI this past week, so they'll have to wait a while for this to die down, but Piper is another name that it's not really a question of if, but when.

Eric Bischoff: He was arguably the best GM in the history of RAW (and the WWE). He's a great heel and having Eric around always means a good show. There may be a little tension due to the show with Hogan, but if there is money to be made, I don't really think that will matter. I'd love to see Eric back on my TV on a Monday night, even if it's just for one show.

Hulk Hogan: Admit it - you'd tune in and watch. And as much as I despise Hogan, I'd be right there watching too. Hogan is the biggest icon in wrestling and his name brings attention and ratings. And it's be really interesting to see how they would play up a "Hulk as GM for a night" type storyline. The ratings would spike - that's for sure.

Mae Young: I said a while back that Mae would make a great character to be the "GM" of one of the shows, given that she's great on TV, she has more experience than anyone in the WWE by a long shot, and everyone loves her. I'd still love to see Mae in a "serious" role - coming on one night and just showing the lady behind the goofy character. It would definitely be a RAW to remember, and would be a great way for Mae to close out her career, should she choose to do so.

Randy Savage: Yeah, this is never, ever, ever going to happen. But wouldn't it just be totally surreal and awesome to turn on the live edition of RAW and see the "Macho Man" come out and proclaim himself as the "Macho Host" for the night. Even more than Hogan, this would be a must-see show that I'd have to watch.

Jamie Noble: Yeah, I know. What the hell am I smoking, right? I figure it like this. They never let Jamie wrestle and he's a hilarious character when they let him cut loose and play the fool. So have RAW go "redneck" for one night. It could be funny and it would definitely be better for Jamie than just jobbing in dark matches every night.

The Iron Sheik: Just think about it - two hours of live Iron Sheik, running RAW and cutting promos. How long would it take him to snap into a string of profanities and attempt to "humble someone". It'd be a train-wreck that everyone would have to watch.

Paul Heyman: Another no-brainer choice that probably isn't ever going to happen. The heat between Paul and Stephanie is allegedly pretty hot at the moment. But Heyman running RAW as a modern day "ECW", even for only one night, would be fun to see. And would generate some interests among some of the older fans as well.

Rob Van Dam: I can see this one happening, actually. Rob is on good terms with the WWE and even though he doesn't seem to have any interest in returning to the WWE ring full-time, I don't think it would take all that much to fly Rob in and have him be the "Guest Host" for the night. RVD is a good talker and would be another good name and way to attract some of the older fans that have kind of drifted away over the years.

And if this whole "Guest Host" concept lasts for a while, I think it'd be cool to allow the wrestlers that are being inducted into the Hall of Fame at Wrestlemania to be allowed to act as the "Guest Hosts" during the weeks leading up to Wrestlemania. Not all of them, obviously, but if they're good talkers and can get over with the audience of today, give 'em a shot. Could you imagine if Koko B. Ware or Terry Funk had been the "GM of RAW" leading up to their inductions into the HOF? It would have been crazy and hilarious and insane, all at the same time. And would have made for some great TV. That's something to consider anyhow.
So who would you like to see be brought out as the "Guest Hosts" for WWE RAW? I'm interested to hear your opinions on this.

I have a joke for you...

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr.Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could.

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Admit it - you laughed.

And I guess that's enough for me too. I have a few things to go do right now. I have to write a letter to my "better half" and find out why he lied to me. He told me long ago that I was his first and then he slipped and the truth came out. I'm not the first. How do I know? He referred to me as his "sixty second man". So what's up with that? I need to find out ASAP.

So there's that to take care of. And other stuff too. So send comments and questions to my e-mail addy at Doug28352@yahoo.com. Come visit me at MySpace at www.myspace.com/salt_palace or at Facebook at www.facebook.com/saltpalace. Add me as a friend at both of those sites. You know you want to.

Anything else? Nah! The "Who Am I?" will be back next week. Right now, I'm just not feeling it. So that's all for me. I'm Hobbes and you've just read a few "Tiger Tales". I'm gone.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwwwwwwllllllllll!" That's my patented "tiger growl". Don't ya just love it.

And dat' is all de' people need to know. Yeah! See ya!