Friday, September 30, 2011

(Retro) Tossing Salt - Worldwide News (Is RAW) - September 25, 2007

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News (Is RAW)
September 25, 2007
Doug Maynard

I watched WWE Monday Night Raw last night for the first time in a month. I was thinking of doing a full recap, but that is far more detailed and complicated than I want to take it right now. So I decided to just write down my random thoughts of the show as the evening progressed. Sounds like fun, right?

They're coming live from Milwaukee, WI. I should have gotten drunk first. Or bought some beer so I could get drunk while watching the show. It might make things better. At least I'd feel better.

King Booker is still in the opening video montage. That's cool! So there is still hope that the exiled ruler from the Kingdom of Smackdown will one day return and vanquish the pretenders to his throne and re-establish his royal legacy. All Hail King Booker!

No sign of Snitsky in the opening montage though. Or anywhere else for that matter? Have he been sucked into another dimension? Is he watching the baby for Steph and Hunter while they're busy destroying, I mean "creating" superstars on RAW? Where is Snitsky? One thing is for sure though. Wherever he is, it isn't his fault!

The show opens with Coach and then video racapping the entire Cena - Orton - Cena Sr. situation. Wow, so this is all I've missed over the past month? Nice of the WWE Production guys to being me up to speed. I'm already bored.

Mr. Cena sells moves better than his son does. I'd love to see Mr. Cena become the "manager" of Randy Orton. That would be awesome. Coach says that Orton is "suspended indefinitely" for using handcuffs. I know a lot of people who might get in trouble if that's the case.

Vince comes down and he goes on a HHH rant. He mentions the main event of HHH versus Carlito and makes it into a handicap match with himself as Carlito's partner. Can you smell the ratings jump? No, I can't either.

I'll give Vince credit - he can talk and sells the match as a big time event. Vince guarentees a win for himself and the walking Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pet.

Vince calls out Hornswaggle and they have a "Hallmark moment". Crowd pops big for the mini-me McMahon. Vince and Horny love each other. That's so sweet!

Vince gives Horny his very own whore. Nope, that's just Melina dressed like a whore. But she's color coordinated with Horny. Just a few months ago, she was the Women's Champ and a major player. Look at her now. Sad!

Horny gets all horny and jumps all over Melina... literally. Funny!

Melina and Horny leave for their "date" - Vince reminds them to use protection. Please do - can you imagine what that love child would look like?

Coach wants to be the permanent General Manager of RAW. Regal returns next week. I sense a Regal - Coach match coming up. General Manager on a Pole match. Yay!

More talking by Vince and Coach and here comes John Cena. Coach warns Cena if he touches Vince or Coach, he'll be stripped of the WWE Title. Cena naturally attacks and sends the two "authority figures" bailing to the floor.

Why do the fake security guys all look like Smackdown referees?

Vince says it's up to Coach to strip Cena of the title. Then he gets confused and announces a ceremony of sorts for title stripping.

It's simple to me - Cena was told if he attacked, he'd be stripped of the title - but then he attacks and it's up to Coach. They said they'd strip him - so strip him already. Geez! Show some consistency.

We're 20 minutes into the show already and it's nothing but talk and blah segments. Where is the wrestling? I hope it gets better.

First match - Cody Rhodes versus Hardcore Holly. The crowd was not into this match and restless.

Cody worked on Holly's arm, but not the one that was wrapped and had been injured. That's not smart wrestling.

Holly won clean with an Alabama Slam in what was a lame match. These two have no chemistry together at all.

I guess Cody's push is over. I wonder who Dusty pissed off?

The fact that I'm still awake is amazing to me.

It's the Diva Search on Check it out. Better on the net than on the TV. They're cool. I wonder if I can get a life-sized Juvi?

Since Orton is suspended (actually to get married, from what I've read), let's give him a 4-minute video spot to cut a promo. Sounds right to me.

Orton blabs on and on and on. Cena is a sham. Orton will get revenge. Blah! Blah! Blah! But he's intense and comes across as sincere in his evil intents.

The second match of the night after 48 minutes is Ron Simmons taking on Santino Marella (with Maria).

Maria looks like a slut tonight.

The match is awful.

Santino flees to the back and takes Maria with him.

Ron gets the mic and echoes my feelings for the entire show thus far with the always awesome "Damn!"

Ron did his best move of the night with a flip over the top rope when leaving the ring. Why couldn't he be that graceful and coordinated DURING the match?

It's almost time for "The Family Guy" to come on over at TBS.

Diva Limbo! Yay!

Jillian Hall is huge. At least she's not singing tonight. She talks trash about Hornswaggle and smells Melina's breasts. Seriously, she really did. Melina says that she's only with Horny because Coach promised her a shot at the Women's Championship.

We see the Highlanders hanging out with Cade / Murdoch. Highlanders want a title shot and flash / moon the Brokeback Cowboy Connection in their efforts to get a match. This is so lame. Trevor looks interested though.

The cage is down - it's time for the main event of an awful show. I guess they need to wake the crowd up. HHH comes down and the crowd comes alive. Carlito and Vince are out next. Look at Vince... I think we know who doesn't get tested by WWE Wellness...

Match is OK for what it was. I think Vince legit hurt himself when he did the crotch-drop on the top rope. He slid right off and landed awkwardly. This is a man who suffered two torn quads by walking to the ring a few years ago - he's just asking for serious injury by taking those bumps.

Two on one worked. Carlito kept HHH busy long enough to allow Vince to escape the cage and win the match.

HHH keeps his heat by totally destroying Carlito and any potential rub he may have gotten from this match and being on the winning team.

It's 10:17 and only three matches so far. What does that middle "W" in WWE stand for anyhow?

Finally some good action as The B.C.C. (Cade & Murdoch) take on The Hooligans.

Kendricks has come a long way since his "Spanky" days. He still looks like a 14 year old kid though.

The Highlanders attack the Hooligans and the match is over before it really gets started. Lame!

Horny creeps around in the Diva showers and gets an eyeful of Melina. He chases her around and steals her towel. That crazy kid!

Vince brags to Coach. Coach tells Vince that HHH is looking for him and then leaves. Vince is ready to leave now and starts throwing his clothes into a bag.

"The Condemned" is now out on DVD. Austin and his co-stars plug the movie. Santino Marella talks junk. I sense a stunner in the future of Mr. Marella.

HHH confronts Vince and we have a match next week. That's when Umaga returns from his "injuries" that were "caused by HHH". Coincidence? Probably not!

It's Jeff Hardy and Candice Michelle taking on Jillian Hall & Shelton Benjamin next.

Candice is the hometown hero. She's going to lose.

The crowd really pops for Jeff Hardy. They love those Hardy Boys.

Jeff and Candice have glow sticks. That's pretty cool!

Not a bad match.

Jillian is just plain huge. I'd love to see her take on Victoria in a one-on-one match.

Over on Family Guy, Peter is smoking crack so he can quit drinking. And Stewie has gone into the "Mine" phase of baby-hood. I love that show.

I was right - Candice does the J.O.B.

Coach talks to the fake press. Where are the questions that matter? What about OJ? The world wants to know!

Coach and the security guys are in the ring and call out John Cena. He has to beg to keep his title. I don't think so.

A ref comes out and tells Lillian Garcia that "by order of Mr. MacMahon", Cena will not be stripped of his title and there will be one more match for the night with Cena versus Coach in a "Tables Match".

I'll admit, I was baffled. What is Vince doing?

Cena beats up Coach with an S.T.F.U. and then an F.U. through the conveniently placed table in the ring to win the "match".

Hornswaggle McMahon comes out on the ramp and Cena says, "Thank you, Mr. McMahon!"

Oh, that makes sense.

And it's funny!

So that was RAW. Boy, I'm, so sorry I haven't been watching lately. The show is just awesome!

Yeah, that was sarcasm.

The first hour totally sucked. The second hour was OK, but it had a lot to accomplish to make up for the crappy first hour. Did it do it? I don't think so.

The stuff with Horny was good... and the cage match was solid. Nothing great, but OK.
And the rest of the show?

I'm just glad that Family Guy was on the other channel for occasional glimpses of good TV. If it wasn't for wanting to do this recap, I would have turned the channel entirely and just passed on the wrestling.

Yeah, it's gotten that bad.

At least next week, the suspensions will be over and we'll get to see stars like Mr. Kennedy, William Regal, Umaga, etc. all make their return. It'll have to get better. It can't get much worse.

Well, that's RAW and that's enough from me for now anyhow, but I'll be back.

I'm Doug and I'm gone!

Questions and comments - send to Visit me at MySpace at

Until the next time - Ubuntu

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