Tossing Salt - 1/12/04
What up all and welcome again to the lastest edition of the Wrestling Informer's most eclectic column, "Tossing Salt!". I'm Doug Maynard with a whole mess of stuff to talk about for your wrestling pleasure. Another parody - this one concerning the gone, but not forgotten Slammy Awards.
The results of my last "Who Am I?", plus a new one for you to take a gander at. Wrestling results from Japan, some great quotes from such wrestling alumni as Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, Jim Cornette, and Roddy Piper. And just to keep the boss happy, a little bit of wrestling related news. So much to talk about, but so little time. Let's jump straight into it with a little thingee that I like to refer to as:
Japanese legend Antonio Inoki has announced that the next Inoki "Bom Ba Ye" show will be held in April in none other than Las Vegas, Nevada. After the dissapointing show this past New Year's Eve, Inoki needs to pull something spectacular to save face, and apparently feels that Vegas is the place to do. He's hoping to convince Ken Shamrock to work the event in order to land some publicity here in the states. Already expected to work the show are Inoki-loyalist Emelianenko Fedor, Bob Sapp, & Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic. What is up with Inoki. He needs to concentrate his time and energy to New Japan and work on bringing it back to it's former status and glory.
But Inoki seems far more concerned with his MMA ventures instead of what made him the legend he is. He's the first to complain about problems at New Japan with the direction of the promotion, but he doesn't have the time to do anything to help out in solving problems, even though he's the majority owner. That just doesn't make sense. If he isn't going to do anything to help New Japan, he needs to just sell off his interests and shut up already. Watching Inoki as the owner/power behind New Japan makes me realize just how lucky WCW was to have men such as Bill Watts, Ole Anderson, & Jim Herd in control. As bad as they were,at least they're not Inoki.
Zero-One and Dreamstages have made the announcement that Hustle-2 will be on March 7th at the Yokohama Arena. Participants announced for the event thus far are Keiji Mutoh (The Great Muta) and Bill Goldberg. But I'm not really sure that the WWE is going to allow Goldberg to participate in such an event so close to Wrestlemania XX. Goldberg is not expected to re-sign with the WWE when his contract expires after WMXX, but he is still expected to be a major part of the event at Madison Square Garden.
I really can't see Vince McMahon allowing Goldberg to take part in such a big event as Hustle-2. It's still early now, but I wouldn't really count on Bill being a part of both events. If he does appear at the Hustle 2 event, it's because the WWE decided to basically forget about Goldberg and concentrate on stars with a WWE future. If Goldberg does recieve a big WMXX push, do not expect him to appear at the Hustle 2 event. Me thinks the Zero- One people are jumping the gun a bit with that anouncement.
Someone who does have a big future with the WWE is John Cena. There are rumours floating about that the plans for the SmackDown rap star are to move him to RAW after Wrestlemania XX. The speculation is that if Goldberg doesn't stay with the WWE, RAW is going to need someone to fill the position of top "face" to lead the battle against HHH and Evolution (among others).
I'd like to see Cena on RAW, and think it would be a good move for him, but what's this about leader and top face? What about Booker T? Or RVD? Even the Dudleys or Steven Richards could step up to the plate and handle that role if done correctly. Not to mention Shawn Michaels. Or even Al Snow. Bring back "Head" and do a face change for Al. Cena would be a welcome addition to RAW, but he's not the man to be the "top face" - not when so many others, who are already there, could do it so much better.
Finally, Yomiuri Sports has announced that World Japan Pro Wrestling is going into a "two month pause" due to financial difficulties. Fukada, the "money man" behind WJ wants to leave the company and devote himself to his other business ventures such as real estate and resturants. So the promotion is being left in the able hands of Riki Choshu and Katsuji Nagashima to see if they can turn things around. Good luck to them because from all I've seen recently of World Japan Pro, they have surely got a major headache on their hands.
BOBBY HEENAN QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
(Talking about the Ultimate Warrior)
"This guy makes coffee nervous!"
JIM CORNETTE QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
"The judge won't allow for Pee Wee to defend himself, and Pee Wee knows for sure he can get himself off!"
I did a little Slammy award parody back in October of last year. It's a little dated on some references, but all in all, I think it's pretty decent. I hope you folks enjoy!
There hasn't been any Slammy Awards in a while, but there ought to be. It's the WWE's answer to the Grammys, the Oscars, and the Tony's all wrapped up in one event. Here is a version of what just might happen if the WWE was to resurrect this lost treasure.
The 2003 Slammy Awards (Live from Madison Square Garden)
Fireworks and applause. Here is your host - Chris Jericho..
Y2J: What up assclowns? Welcome to the Slammy's Are Jericho! They wanted the best host
they could find for this show. Carson and Letterman are washed-up losers! Billy Crystal
is just a third-rate comic and Whoopie Goldberg is off somewhere hanging with her loser
brother, Bill. So, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla is here and we're ready to present some
awards. Presenting to some loser the Slammy for Best Commentator is a blast from the past
- where'd they dig this joke up - the Boogie Woogie Man from New York City - Handsome -
I think someone lied to him - Jimmy Valiant.
The song "Boy From New York City" plays as Jimmy Valiant comes on the stage..
Valiant: Ooooh, mercy! The boogie man feel good tonite, baby! Yeah! Boogie has to give out
the award for best man on the stick - mercy baby. The best commentator. Oooh yeah!
Make Boogie look good. And the nominees are .. mercy..
A pre-recorded voiceover booms out:
Jim Ross, Jerry "The King" Lawler, Taz, and Ernest "the Cat" Miller..
Valiant: Mercy baby! The winner is...
Valiant rips open the envelope.
Valiant: My man, the Cat. Ernest "the Cat" Miller. Have mercy..
Ernest Miller comes on stage..
Ernest: Man, I didn't expect this. Someone call my mama - I'm gonna have to beat somebody up.
Thanks to everyone. You know what! You know what Boogie-man? I feel like dancing.
Somebody hit my music..
James Brown music blares from the loudspeakers as Ernest Miller and Jimmy Valiant start dancing on stage.
Chris Jericho: Someone get those two assclowns off the stage. I see being a moron transcends
all generations. If that's the kind of losers we have to see all night, this is going to
be a long one. Here is the next presenter for the Slammy for Best Buns. This can't
be right. It is? OK - here is Hulk Hogan..
Real American blares over the spreaker-system as Hulk Hogan climbs on the stage.
Hogan: You know bruthuhs, Vince McMahon didn't want the Hulkster to be here tonite.
Jericho (from his announce position) Why are you here, Hogan? I thought you were fired after
your little Mr. America ruse fell through.
Hogan: Well, you know bro, that Hulkamania lives forever! And let me make one think perfectly
clear. I am not Mr. America, bruthuh!
Jericho: We all saw the video of you unmasking. Why continue with this charade. It's over,
Hogan: I wouldn't lie to all the Hulkamaniacs out there, bruthuh! Say your prayers and take your
vitamins. Whatcha gonna do ...
Jericho: Just announce the nominees, you steriod infected, bald headed assclown..
Hogan: What nominees? It's all about Hulkamania, bruthuh! Whatcha gonna do ... whatcha ...
Jericho: Get that loser off the stage - someone do the nominee things.
Several security men run onstage and grab Hogan who tries to no-sell their attempts to subdue
him.. He starts to Hulk up, and gets sprayed by pepper spray. He starts to no sell, but falls to the
ground, gasping for air.
Hogan: Bruthuh - supposed to job.. (cough - cough) put me over (cough) .. why?
Hogan passes out as the security guards haul him off.
Chris Jericho: Good riddance, you jackass! And the nominees are:
Pre-recorded voiceover fills the arena.
The Nominees for Best Buns Are: Rickishi, Mr. McMahon, Mr. Ass Billy Gunn, & Torrie Wilson.
Jericho: and the Best Buns Slammy goes to: our boss, Mr. McMahon..
Vince's music plays, but no one comes out.
Jericho: Mr. McMahon couldn't be here tonite. He's having Patterson and Brisco' s lips
surgicially removed from his extraordinary posterier, so I'll accept this for him. Thank
you very much. And now our next presenters.. Here is Booker T.
Booker T comes out to great applause.
Booker: What's up? It's time for the five-time,five time, five time, five time, five time WCW champion, and the current WWE Intercontinential champion.. Don't hate the playa - hate the game. These are the nominees for the slammy for "best death". And while these people announce the nominees, it's time for a slammy-spineroonie.
Booker does a "spineroonie" while the names are read over the speaker system.
Pre-recorded voice over: The nominees for "best death" are Al Wilson, Roddy Piper, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash.
Booker: And the winner is: Hulk Hogan. Now can you dig that, suckah!
Hulk Hogan comes out to accept his slammy.
Hogan: Well, it's like this bruthuh!(cough) I've got these 24 inch pythons and Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe. I just got pepper sprayed, but I don't job for nobody, bruthuh! McMahon thought I was through. Bruthuh! Well, this slammy proves, once and for all, that Hulkamania is running wild! So what ya gonna do. What ya gonna do.
Jericho (from the sidelines): Hey Hogan! Hogan!
Hogan: What do you want, Jericho?
Jericho: I want to see you get your ass kicked by security again. Did you read the slammy, you freak? It's for death, like your career, like Hulkamania, like this crowd everytime you start to speak...
Hogan: Death? Bruthuh? Who died bruthuh? Hulkamania isn't dead, bruthuh! It's the strongest force in the universe. What ya gonna do..
Jericho: Cut his mic off. Security, get this moron out of here. Ask not for who the Undertaker comes Hogan - he comes for you - you bald headed Thunderlipped jackass. And here's our next presenter. Straight from an AA meeting near you - it's Scott Hall.
Massive applause as Scott comes to the podium.. You see Hogan come by, being chased by security.
Scott Hall: Hey yo! Before we do this award thing, I think it's time for a little survey. You know how this works, OK. Hey yo!
Crowd is totally silent..
Hall: So, are you all here to see ... WCW?
The crowd remains totally silent!
Hall: Or.. are you here to see the N.W.O.?
Crowd is still totally silent.
Jericho: Hey, Scott! The NWO is gone - WCW is gone - it's all WWE now, you greased up monkey!
Hall: Gone? What about the Wolfpac?
Hall: When did all this happen, Jericho?
Jericho: About 2 1/2 years ago.. Where have you been?
Hall: I went to the 7-11 for a beer and - I don't remember - hey, yo!
Jericho: You don't remember?
Hall: Hey, yo! Hey, yo! Hmmmmmm! Hey yo!
Jericho: This assclown has lost it - someone get him off the stage.
Kevin Nash comes out and leads Hall off the stage. A voice reads over the soundsystem: And the nominees for Best Dressed Slammy are : Ric Flair, William Regal, Golddust, and Rico..
Jericho: The winner is (and it should be me - I'm a Hollywood fashion plate) William Regal.
William Regal comes out to the podium.
Regal: Thank you. I didn't really expect all you commoners and lowlifes to be able to look past your fashions by Wal-Mart to realize what an elegant and dapper appearance can do for a man. I only wear the very best, custom-made, by my own personal designer in London. It's so hard to maintain a proper appearance when dealing with lower forms of life so often. But every so often, it is appreciated and for that, and this award, as your good will ambassador, I thank you.
Jericho: What the? What the hell did that pompous ass-clown say? Go sip some tea, you biscuit and crumpet eating jackass. Here is the next award - the Slammy for Best Diva. Your presenters are Chris Benoit and Jerry "the King" Lawler.
Applause as Beniot and the King come to the podium.
Chris: You know, King, an important part of the WWE these days are it's Diva's.
Chris: Not just puppies, but the intensity and effort put forth - these ladies are how I like 'em - silent but violent.
Lawler: They can get violent with me anytime - sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.. whoo-hoo!
Benoit: You're a sick man, King.
Announcers voice: The nominees for best Diva are: Sable, Ivory, Trish, and Torrie Wilson
Benoit: And the winner is:
Absolutely no reaction from the audience as Sable comes out..
Sable: Thank you for this award. I do deserve it cause I am so Sablicious. All the men want to be with me and all the women want to be with me. (To Benoit and Lawler) - how about you men? Do you want to have a sablicious good time?
Lawler: Puppies! (he falls to the ground, clutching his heart!) puppies! puppies!
Benoit grabs Sable and puts her in the crippler-crossface as the audience goes nuts. Security runs in and pulls Benoit off as Lawler continues to roll around on the floor, grasping his heart..
Lawler: Puppies! I want puppies!
Jericho: Well, Benoit! I guess that's one way to leave an impression on a lady. But that was no lady. That was a nasty, skanky, sleezy, bottom-feeding, trashbag, ho!
Stephaine McMahon (from offstage): What?
Jericho: Not you Steph - the other nasty, skanky, sleazy, bottom-feeding trashbag ho!
Lawler and Sable are stretchered off stage as the show continues.
Jericho: And now, presenting the Slammy for Locker Room Leader is: Brother Love..
Brother Love comes out.
Love: I looooovvveee you! Yes, brothers and sisters. It's me - here to talk about loooovvvvve! The looovvvve of men in a locker room - the loooovvvve of a man for his brothers and sisters that he provides leadership - he offers advice - he provides looovvvveeeee!
He is a leader. And the slammy for providing the most loooovvveee as a locker room leader goes to:
Voice on speaker: The nominees are: Undertaker, Bill DeMott, Al Snow, Tommy Dreamer
Love: Yes! Yes! Thank you, brother announcer. The winner for the slammy of looovvee is: Brother Undertaker..
Undertaker comes out to deafening applause.
Taker: It's all about respect. This is my yard, and if you want to make a name here..
Love: Brother Undertaker... Brother Undertaker..
Love: You talk about respect. You talk about looovveee! but what about respect for me. What about respect for Brother Love? I brought you into the WWE and I demand re...........
Undertaker grabs Brother Love by the throat and chokeslams him off the stage. Then Taker walks off the stage as the audience goes nuts.
Jericho: Someone call the EMT's. I guess that red-faced baboon found out all about the Undertaker's love. Jackass! Here is another blast from the past - where do they find these dinosaurs - the Macho Man Randy Savage..
The Macho Man comes out!
Macho: Ooooohh - yeah! The macho man is back! Oooohhh - yeah! Got some nominees - gonna get a slammy - yeah! What it's all about tonite - yeah! The nominees for Most Inspirationial Wrestler are ... Oooohhhhhh - yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh! Dig it!
Voice of Announcer: Kurt Angle, Zach Gowen, Christian, Randy Orton, Stone Cold Steve Austin...
Savage: Feel the chill and savor the moment - yeah! The winner is, dig it, Steve Austin. Ooohhhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!
Here comes Stone Cold...
Austin: Most inspiratioial, huh?
Austin: I inspire!
Austin: I kick ass!
Austin: I run RAW!
Austin: And I drink beer!
Austin: I said I drink beer!
Austin: A lot of beer.
Austin: And I'm an inspiration?
Austin: A hero?
Austin: A role model?
Audience goes nuts...
Austin: And that's the bottom line, cause Stone Cold said so...
Macho Man: Oooooooooooohhhhhh - yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhh! Dig it!
Jericho: That was truly a hallmark moment of inspiration by our general manager, not! I don't know how much more of this journey into dweebdom I can take. I've got to go for a little bit now! My band Fozzy, the worlds greatest Rock and Roll band, will be playing in a little bit, and we have to get ready. Taking over in the announce position is, from WCW Nitro, your favorite announcer, but not mine, Tony Schiavone.
And that's where it ends. I could finish it up, but it's all about clearing out all the old stuff so I can start with some new material. I realize it's not fair ending it like that, but my Tony Schiavone parodies are not nearly as funny as the Jericho ones, so you're much better off this way. Believe me! Time to move on!
The past couple of columns have featured something I borrowed from my other home at Yahoo - firstname.lastname@example.org that really seems to have taken off. The answer to the last "Who Am I? was none other than the "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd.
The first person to get it right was my fellow moderator at DXSuckit@yahoogroups.com Rick, aka High Voltage. So, congrats to you , Rick! A great job. Also answering correctly were Keith Miller, Chad aka Loverman14850, Dan Fitzgibbon, & Peter Maltice. A great job by all of you. Now, on to this week's person.
I was trained by Walter "Killer" Kowalski and got my first major push as Kowalski's partner in the WWWF where we wrestled as the Masked Executioners. After leaving the WWWF, I moved to the Mid-Atlantic region where I won tag team gold with both Ric Flair and Ken Patera, and had a long running feud with Blackjack Mulligan. Eventually, I traveled back to the WWF where I was managed by Bobby Heenan and had a long feud with Andre the Giant. My big gimmick was offering $10,000 to any man who could bodyslam me. Who Am I?
Know the answer. Send me your guess, and if you're correct, you'll get a big mention in the next "Tossing Salt" column. My addresses are at the end of the column.
BOBBY HEENAN QUOTE OF THE NIGHT # 2:
(Talking about Frankie - Koko B. Ware's parrot)
"If he was in my house, he'd be in a shake 'n' bake bag!"
WORLD JAPAN PRO WRESTLING 1/11/04 Sapporo, Japan
Tiesen Hall (Two shows - one afternoon & one evening)
Takashi Uwano defeated Katsuhiko Nakajima in 12:07
Yoshito Saaki beat Kuniyoshi Wada in 7:41
Masato Tanaka over Ichiro Yaguchi in 12:22
Shinjiro Ohtani beat Masahiko Kochi in 10:07
Takao Omori & Shiro Koshinaka stopped Hiro Yokai & Kohei Sato in 11:53
Riki Choshu & Tomohiro Ishii beat Shin'ya Hashimoto & Naohiro Hoshikawa in 11:36
Masahiko Kochi defeated Katsuhiko Nakajima in 11:39
Naohiro Hoshikawa stopped Kuniyoshi Wada in 6:16
Tomohiro Ishii beat Yoshito Sasaki in 10:45
Shiro Koshinaka defeated Kohei Sato in 9:40
Masato Tanaka & Shinjiro Ohtani beat Takao Omori & Takashi Uwano in 15:34
Shin'ya Hashimoto & Hiro Yokoi beat Riki Choshu & Ichiro Vaguchi in 9:39
NOAH 1/10/04 Tokyo, Japan Nippon Budokan
Attendance: 16,000 paid
Juventud Guerrera defeated Yasuhiro Suzuki in 13:55
Donavan Morgan & Richard Slinger beat Masaji Aoyagi & Mitsuo Momota in 8:37
IZU, Bison Smith, & Scorpio defeated Kishin Kawabata, Mohammed Yone, & Daisuke Ikeda in 13:30.
Naoki Sano stopped Masao Inoue in 12:55
Yoshinobu Kanemaru, Akira Taue, & Yoshihiro Takayama defeated Takashi Sugiura, Akitoshi Saito, & Tamon Honda in 12:48
Tsuyoshi Kikuchi, Takeshi Morishima, & Jun Akiyama defeated Makatu Hashi, Takeshi Rikio, & Kenta Kobashi in 21:48
GHC JUNIOR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
KENTA & Naomichi Marafuji defeated Wataru Inoue & El Samurai in 28:01
GHC TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Yoshinari Ogawa & Mistu Misawa defeated Hiroshi Tanahashi & Yuji Nagata in 29:41
RODDY PIPER QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
(On Ole Anderson)
"He's as strong as an ox, and almost as smart!"
And I guess that's it for today. Thanks for reading. If you know the answer to the latest "Who Am I?" or have any questions or comments, just drop me a line at either Doug28352@yahoo.com or at DougMaynard@wrestlinginformer.net. Keep that mail coming! I'm Doug M. and I'll see you all next time. GO PANTHERS! Until then, take it light!