(Flashback) Tossing Salt - January 7, 2004

Tossing Salt - 1/07/04

What up all? Welcome to the Wrestling Informer. I'm the resident degenerate and all around good guy, Doug M., and this is the column that makes you go "what the...?" - "Tossing Salt!". I've got a little bit of news, some great quotes by Jerry "the King" Lawler, a few wrestling results, more of the "Who Am I?", and so much more.

Also, I did a little parody a couple of days ago involving WWE Superstar Chris Jericho, and figured I'd throw that in here as well for your sports-entertainment pleasure. There's so much ground to cover. Let's just jump right into it with that little thingee I like to call:

ASSORTED SPICES:

After an extremely rough couple of matches on New Years Eve against Alexy Igneshov and the 1/04 match against Yoshihiro Takayama at the Tokyo Dome, it looks as if IWGP/NWF Champion Shinsuke Nakamura will be forced to take some time off to heal. There is some major concern that both of Nakamura's eye sockets are fractured and will need at least 3 - 4 months to heal. Both titles, which are being consolidated into the IWGP Championship will most likely have to be vacated. New Japan officials are already at work with plans for a tournament to crown a new champion.

For anyone who doubts the brutality of professional wrestling, I suggest they take a look at Nakamura. This man has taken some beatings that would cripple most people and just kept on going. It's finally all caught up to him, but he will be back, no doubt and continue to be a force in New Japan to be reckoned with. Best wishes to Nakamura on a speedy recovery. Get well and come back soon.

It looks as if 2004 will be no better than 2003 as I have the sad duty of reporting the death of another member of the fraternity we call professional wrestling. Audie Hagar, 44, passed away last week from cancer. Ausie wrestled primarily in the Kentucky area for "Southwest Championship Wrestling". He wrestled under the names of "Fabulous" Danny Fargo & "Fabulous Blonde" Dan Greer. On behalf of all of us at the Wrestling Informer, I'd like to offer my prayers and condolences to the friends and family of Audie Hagar.

The Wrestling Channel will be launched on Sky Digital in the UK beginning on March 15th. (Are you listening, Kitty?) It will be showing weekly wrestling from Japan, the UK, and Ireland, plus classic wrestling from the 70's, 80's, and 90's. Also, several US Independent promotions such as Major League Wrestling, Ring of Honor, and (suprisingly) Ohio Valley Wrestling will have their shows featured on the new all-wrestling network. For more info on this, go to http://www.thewrestlingchannel.tv/. I hope that the people behind the Wrestling Channel have great success with this venture.

I also hope that someone in the WWE (are you hearing me, VInce?) decides to take the initiative and use the AWA, WWE, WCW, and ECW video libraries that the WWE owns and create a little "wrestling network" for the fans here in the states. Now is the time for it. Wrestling isn't quite as hot as it was a few years ago, but the thought of just Vince just sitting on all that history is almost sickening. If "Lifetime" and "Animal Planet" can survive and thrive on cable tv as networks, I'm sure an all-wrestling network would do just as well. What about it?

JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER QUOTE # 1:
(Talking about Bull Nakano to Vince McMahon)
"Take a look at that hair! Can she take it off and wash it like yours?"

WHO AM I?
Congrats go out to my fellow moderator at DXSI - X-Pac who was the first to correctly respond with the correct answer of "Paul Heyman" from the last "Who Am I?". The man is a virtual encylopedia of wrestling knowledge.

So, Pac! My hat's off to you. And now, let's try this again.
I started off in entertainment as a musician - I was a member of a band that had a top 40 hit in the sixties, and a remake of the same song, was also a hit in the seventies. I got involved in wrestling in the Memphis area, where I quickly became famous for my feud with Jerry "the King" Lawler. I'm just as famous for my whiney voice and annoying laugh as I am for all the superstars I have managed over the years. In the WWE, I managed a couple of teams to the WWF TagTeam Championships. In WCW, I managed such stars as The Giant, Kevin Sullivan, and Lex Lugar to name but a few. I am most famous for my long association with Hulk Hogan. Who Am I?

If you know the answer, drop me a line at either of my e-mail addresses at the bottom of the column, and I'll gladly announce your name right here at "Tossing Salt". So what are you waiting for? Guess already.

A special message to Mr. Allan Hawthrone: While I do appreciate the offer, I've extremely happy here at the Informer and must publicly decline. Thanks, but no thanks. Best of luck to you in your venture, but the Wrestling Informer is the place for me.

JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER QUOTE # 2
(Talking to Jim Ross)
"I've been waiting for years to see you spontaneously combust sitting right next to me."

RAW THOUGHTS:
I did my recap for RAW on Monday night for the Informer, and wanted to take a second to go back and look at a couple of things:

Teddy Long as "GM for a Night" - I loved it. It would get old pretty fast if Teddy was spewing the racial garbage there every night, but it was just new and fresh enough to make for a very entertaining show. And watching him run up and down the ramp with Austin in hot pursuit - too damn funny!
HHH - Austin verbal sparring - HHH was on big time. Everything he said about Austin and the little badge, the sheriff role, etc. The Roscoe P. Coletrain impressions. First a great match with HBK last week, and now this little episode with Austin. Better be careful Hunter. You may end up having people start to appreciate your talents again if you're not careful. These last two weeks have been HHH at his best.

The three-man announce team - It was fresh and fast moving. It took Lawler and JR out of their game and made them work a bit - which made for, in my opinion, a much better show. Coach is just really coming into his role as the heel announcer - something Lawler used to be great at. I hope they stick to this format a little more often. Plus, when Kane came out - Coach fell out of his chair. Great comedy bit. Gotta love it.

Jericho & Christian: Vitamin C is back together. And the return (in name anyhow) of the "ass-cream". Plus we get Mae Young "flashing" Chris when she comes out of the shower. Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! 'Nuff said!

All in all - the writing on RAW has improved a great deal and really seems to be the more thought out and focused of the two WWE shows. The folks over at Smackdown need to sit down and take some notes. The matches have been good. The backstage segments have been limited and designed to serve a purpose, and it's just enough of a mix of action and humor to keep things interesting. The last two weeks have been excellent productions by the RAW creative teams. Kudos to them for some really good stuff.

JERRY "THE KING" LAWLER QUOTE # 3
(Talking about Terry "Chainsaw Charlie" Funk)
"If he had a brain, he'd be an idiot!"

ADDITIONAL SEASONINGS:

MID-ATLANTIC CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING 1/03/04 Guangzhou, China
Lex Lovett defeated Mike Rapada in 20:26
Andrue Bain defeated Terry Taylor in 13:55
Frankie Capone beat Jeff Justice in 21:20
NWA MID-ATLANTIC JR. HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Rikki Nelson defeated Chris Hamrick (champion) to capture the NWA Mid-Atlantic Jr. Title in 27:49.
Andrue Bain won a battle royal in 9:31

WORLD JAPAN 1/05/04 Tokyo, Japan Korakuen Hall
Attendance: 1550 fans
Kuniyoshi Wada over Yoji Hino in 7:48
Kengo Mashimo defeated Joe Aoyama in 9:41
Takao Omoro beat Tengu Kaiser in 9:17
Shinjiro Otani & Masato Tanaka defeated Shiro Koshinaka & Katsumi Usuda in 14:36
Shinya Hashimoto & Tatsuhito Takaiwa & Yushihito Sasaki stopped Riki Choshu, Ichiro Yaguchi, & Takashi Uwano in 12:42
Tomohiro Ishii beat Katsuhiko Nakajima in 12:11

I did a little parody a few days ago while sitting around the house. I think it turned out pretty good and hope ya'll enjoy it.

LOVELINE....Starring Dr. Drew
(with special guests Joan Rivers and Chris Jericho)

Dr. Drew: I'm Dr. Drew and welcome to Loveline! Sitting in with me this week is a world-reknown comedian and very funny lady, Joan Rivers.
Joan: Thanks, Drew. I wasn't supposed to be here tonite.
Drew: What, Joan?
Joan: I wasn't supposed to be here tonite. Boy George was supposd to be here tonite. But he had a yeast infection.
Drew: Ok, then!
Joan: His big fantasty is to have Justin Timberlake as a proctalagist.
Drew: That's enough Joan!
Joan: Can we talk?
Drew: *sighs* Joan, we're here on Loveline to talk to viewers and callers and help them with their problems and issues.
Joan: Marry rich! Go for the bucks. Find an old man in a hospital in an oxygen tent. Marry me or I cut your air off. It works every time.
Drew: Do you ever stop?
Joan: What? What?
Drew: Allow me to introduce our guest tonite, a man who knows all about relationship issues, the lead singer of Fozzy and a huge WWE Superstar, Chris Jericho.
(Chris comes out and sits between Joan and Drew - waving to all his Jerichoholics out in the audience!)
Drew: Thank you Chris for taking time from out of your busy schedule to talk with us tonite.
Jericho: No problem, Drew. After all, I have all these Jerichoholics out here (fans cheer) who want to see the "king of bling-bling" and undisputed "king of the world" and have me help them with their relationship issues.
Drew: Yes. And.
Jericho (inturrupting) And now, welcome to "Loveline Is Jericho!".
(The crowd erupts in excitement!)
Joan: Wow! I haven't seen a reaction like that since I took Elizabeth Taylor to the "all you can eat" buffet at Shoneys.
Drew: *coughs* As I was saying, Chris - you are currently having some relationship issues of your own... with one Trish Stratus. Care to talk about that?
Jericho: (humbly) Well I screwed up badly. I made this bet with Christian...
Joan: The guy who uses "ass-cream"?
Jericho: That's the one.
Joan: He's a creepy little bastard.
Jericho: Do you mind?
Joan: Well excuse me, Mr. Place a bet and get laid for a Canadian Dollar! That's what I heard.
(Jericho and Drew just glare at Joan)
Joan: I'm through! Please continue, Chris.
Jericho: Well, I made the bet with Christian and tried to talk to Trish. But while I was talking to her..
Joan: Trying to get into her pants.
Jericho: Whatever.
Drew: Joan, will you please let Chris finish. Go ahead, Chris.
Jericho: Well, at first it was just a bet, but as the weeks went on, I really started to care for her and feel feelings. Then she found out about the bet, and got pissed, and won't even speak to me now. No matter what I do, I can't do anything right.
Joan: My husband Edgar could never do anything right. If he hadn't tossed and turned in the bed at night, we never would have had the kid.
Drew: What?
Joan: I have no sex appeal. None. My body is falling so damn fast, my gynacologist wears a hard hat!
Jericho: What?
Joan: I went to a strip club the other night. It was amatuer night. I got up and did a striptease. The money was flying before I was halfway done. I got on the mic. Is this money for me to take it all off? A man in the front row shouted, 'No - we want you to put it all back on!' ".
Drew: Joan, what are you talking about?
Joan: I was proposed to by a transvestite one time. My mother told me to marry him. It'd double my wardrobe.
Jericho: Joan?
Joan: What?
Jericho: Will you please....SHUT THE HELL UP!
Joan: OK, don't get so snippy.
Drew: Moving along. Chris, I think we've all had problems like that in our lives. Doing stupid things. Suffering the reprocussions. Just keep trying to talk to Trish. If you're really sincere and want to make things right with her....
Jericho: I do.... I really do!
Drew: Keep trying and she'll eventually take another look and give you a second chance. Don't you agree, Joan?
Joan: Give her jewelry. Lot's of it. Here.
(Joan hands Jericho a catalogue)
Joan: it's the entire line of "Joan Rivers Jewelry" from QVC. Every woman loves this stuff. And if that doesn't work, give her cash. That works every time.
Jericho: I'm not trying to buy her love. I really care about Trish.
Joan: Yeah! I've heard that before. Like I said, cash! It always works. And jewelry. And maybe a trip to Bermuda.
Jericho: Are you talking about Trish or yourself?
Joan: Does it matter?
Drew: Moving on. Let's take a phone call. Caller 1 from Canada, are you there?
Caller: Yeah, I'm here. I've been listening to Chris and I'm familiar with the whole situation.
Drew: You watch the WWE?
Caller: Uuumm! Yeah! That's it. Chris needs to forget about Trish. She's a loser. Go back to hanging out with your friends. Concentrate on winning gold.
Jericho: Your voice sounds familiar.
Caller: You don't know me! But when we, I mean he made that bet, it was all in good fun. Trish just doesn't have a sense of humor.
Jericho: Christian, is that you?
Caller: Yeah, I mean....no. I don't know who you're talking about. But you need to forget about Trish.
Jericho: Christian! Why are you calling? I care about Trish. I want to be with Trish. You know that.
Christian: Whatever. We could be the tag team champs right now, but you're dissing me for a girl. That bites.
Jericho: This won't effect our teaming. We will be the champs. But don't talk about Trish. I'm not dissing you.
Christian: Yes - you are.. for a girl....
Jericho: We'll talk about this later. OK.
Christian: Whatever...... And the "Asscream" was Chris's.....
(click.....Christian hangs up the phone)
Drew: Well , that was interesting.
Joan: I told you he was a creepy little bastard.
Jericho: (heavy sigh) Whatver. Let's just move on.
Drew: OK... caller number two - are you there?
Caller: Ummm...yeah. I'd like to order a pizza. Pepperoni and sausage - extra cheese. Do you have any specials?
Drew: This is not a pizza place. This is the television series, Loveline. ..
Caller: Do you deliver?
Drew: No, we discuss love and relationships and things of that nature.
Caller: Do you know the number to Domino's?
Drew: No! But would you like to ask our guest any questions?
Caller: Ummm. Do they know the number to Domino's?
Jericho: This is ridiculous.
Joan: It's 555-4440.
Caller: Thanks.
(Caller hangs up)
Joan: What can I say? I like pizza?
Jericho: I feel like I'm at Schiavone's house. This place is a circus.
Drew: We're going to take a commercial break. We'll be right back.

The End!

OK, that's it. It's a work in progress, but if you'd like to see more of these little bits and parodies with some of your favorite stars of wrestling and TV, just let me know and I'll try and oblige.

And that's it for this edition of "Tossing Salt". If you have any questions or comments or if you have the answer to the "Who Am I?" bit, drop me a line at either Doug28352@yahoo.com or at DougMaynard@wrestlinginformer.net.

And now, I'm off to watch just a little bit more of my Ric Flair DVD. I've watched it and re-watched it probably a dozen times so far, and all I can say is "Whooooooooo!" I hope everyone has a great week. I'm Doug M. This is "Tossing Salt". Until next time, take it light.