Monday, February 7, 2011

Showtime (A WWE Parody starring Vince and Stephanie McMahon)

Vince McMahon was sitting in his massive office at Titan Towers, looking over budget reports.

"Why are we still paying that much for beer? Austin's not with the company anymore", he thought. "And I thought we told Miz only one hooker a week. Hmmmm!"

Suddenly, Vince's head felt a slight tingle. His ears began to ring. It was a warning. He had to get out of there quickly before...

"Daddy", Stephanie's voice screeched into the room.

There stood the "Billion Dollar Princess", Stephanie McMahon Levesque.

"Hi Princess", Vince muttered as he started searching for his aspirin. He knew that when Stephanie visited his office, a headache would be soon in coming.

"Daddy, I have the greatest idea", Stephanie began, but Vince cut her off.

"What have I always told you about your great ideas?", he asked.

"Go to Johnny first and then submit them to you in writing so you can look over them at your convenience", she said quietly.

"Right", Vince said. "So if you don't mind, I'm very busy here!"

"But daddy", Steph whined, "this is a big idea that is going to make WWE lots and lots of money and branch us out into the entertainment world like never before."

"I've already told you that a Christmas special is out", Vince said.

"Oh, I know. But this is even better. Hunter loves the idea.", she said.

"He does, does he?", Vince said.

"He's the one that said I should come to you and tell you all about it", Steph said.

"Remind me to stick him in an Inferno match with Kane", Vince said.

"Oh daddy, you're such a joker", Steph laughed.

"Elimination Chamber and Inferno match", Vince sighed. "OK, Princess. What is your idea?"

"Well, as you know, we had a Smackdown taping last week in St. Louis. And while we were in Missouri, I decided to visit a couple of tourist sites."

"And...? Get to the point", Vince said.

"Well, I went with Goldust, Vickie and Sheamus over to Branson", Steph said.

"I'll bet that was a tour group to be seen", Vince chuckled.

"We were getting some looks", Steph laughed. "Especially when Shad, Jillian and Santino joined us later in the trip."

"I can imagine", Vince smiled. "Now, what was your idea. I assume it has something to do with Branson?"

"Yes, Daddy. I was looking at all of the theatres and the shows I started thinking, we need to have a WWE theatre in Branson", Steph suggested.

"No", Vince said.

"Why not, Daddy?", Steph asked.

"We tried a restaurant with WWE New York. And it bombed. We bought a casino in Vegas. And it never went anywhere. We need to stick with what we know, which is sports-entertainment and the occasional movie", Vince explained.

"But it'd be great exposure", Steph said. "The costs would be far less than we're paying for Mom to be a Senator. And it'd be a great place to include an actual Hall of Fame and museum, so we could charge huge fees for admittance."

"I don't know", Vince said. "I think when we have a true Hall of Fame and Museum, we should have it here in Stamford."

"Maybe so", Steph said, "but I still like the idea for a WWE style stage show in Branson."

"Steph, we have WWE Superstars... not stage performers. We don't have the resources for that kind of show", Vince tried to explain.

"I think we do, Daddy", Steph said. "What about all the old-timers hanging around... and the superstars who are under contract, but not being used. We have a lot of talent available."

"Tell me what you have in mind", Vince said with a sigh. "What kind of show are you thinking of?"

"A variety show, with a mixture of current and former WWE Superstars providing the entertainment", Steph said.

"Go on", Vince sighed.

"Well, we could start off with comedy. Santino, Big Show, Mick Foley and Matt Hardy could all help out there.", Steph said.

"Mick doesn't work for us anymore", Vince said. "And Matt Hardy? Is he funny?"

"Well, his career as of late is a big joke", Steph said. "When did Mick leave?"

"About a year ago", Vince said. "And I agree about Matt. Remind me to have him job to Doink next week."

"I will", Steph said. "Should I go on?"

"I wish you wouldn't, but I know you will anyhow, so please continue", Vince said sadly.

"Jillian could sing a few songs, plus we could have Jericho and his band perform too. And of course, Lilian Garcia could make appearances."

"So far, this doesn't actually sound all that bad", Vince said. "What else?"

"We could bring back some of the older superstars, like Rikishi and Too Cool and have the 'Too Cool Dance Revue'," Steph added.

"They always did pop the crowds", Vince agreed.

"We could have Mae come in to do the occasional song and dance routine too!", Steph said.

"Mae is close to ninety years old", Vince reminded her. "But she could make appearances every so often."

"Exactly", Steph said. "And the wrestlers could tell road stories and we could even have a ring set up for occasional matches and events."

"Damn it, Stephanie", Vince exclaimed. "I actually like this idea. And it could work out and be a major asset for World Wrestling Entertainment."

"I'm so glad you like it, Daddy", Steph exclaimed.

"But what's the catch", Vince said.

"What do you mean, Daddy?", Steph asked innocently.

"Usually when you have an idea", Vince said, "they're terrible. And sound ridiculous and would make us all look like idiots."

"Daddy!", Steph said, shocked.

"But this one is actually not too bad and could work", Vince said. "I'm pleasantly surprised. Maybe you really are my daughter after all."

"Why thank you, Daddy", Steph smiled, giving her father a big hug.

"So far, it all sounds good. But I keep expecting to hear something totally outrageous and insane come out of your mouth!"

"I'm not that bad, am I?", Steph asked.

"Yes, you are", Vince sighed. "But you're still my Princess and I love you!"

"I've got some other ideas for acts", Steph said.

"I'll regret this, but what else do you have in mind", Vince asked.

"The Divas could do runway model events.", Steph said. "And we could even have some of the guys model as well."

"OK, I could live with that", Vince said. "Anything else?"

"There are so many things we could do, Daddy", Steph said. "There are so many talented people among the WWE Superstars and legends. The biggest problem I could see would be finding room for everyone."

"The shows and live events would have to come first for everyone", Vince pointed out. "The TV tapings and tours are our bread and butter. Anything else would be secondary."

"Of course", Steph agreed.

"So what other ideas for acts do you have?", Vince asked once more.

"Well, Hunter and Shawn could do some DX stand-up material, complete with lights and pyro", Steph suggested. "And Vickie wants to do a rendition of the Vagnina Monologues."

"The... Vagina... Monologues?", Vince said slowly.

"It's really big on Boradway", Stephanie explained. "It's a one woman show that various celebrity women stand on stage and do this monologue about being a woman."

"That sounds interesting, but I'd rather have Harvey Whippleman do it instead", Vince said thoughtfully.

"Hornswoggle, Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero could dress like munchkins and sing songs from the Wizard of Oz", Steph added.

"That's slightly disturbing", Vince muttered.

"And we could rehire Snitsky and have him come out after every act and say that it's not his fault!"

"And here comes the really weird stuff", Vince thought to himself. "Go on, Princess", he said.

"Well, I was thinking we could have a tribute to Canada, where some of our Canadian superstars, like Edge, Christian, Natayla and even Bret come out and do monologues about their lives in Canada and what it means to them."

"The Canadian's are a strong market for us, so that makes sense.", Vince agreed.

"And then Sheamus, Finlay and Hornswoggle could come out, representing Ireland, and declare war on Canada, which would lead to a big brawl on stage."

"Is that all?", Vince asked.

"And we could construct a set that resembles the Family Feud stage and have different factions compete in a live, on-stage version of the game show. Just imagine Nexus versus The Corre, playing the Family Feud, with Howard Finkel as the host."

"Now, you're really starting to stretch things", Vince said. "I liked the idea originally, but it's starting to get weird."

"But Daddy, I haven't even started to talk about the Great Khali line dancing with eighteen scantily clad showgirls."

"Tell you what, Princess. It's getting late. Put your ideas down on paper and send it to Johnny Ace. After he signs off on it, I'll take another look and think about it."

"Okay, Daddy", Steph said as she got up. "Daddy, you don't think I'm crazy, do you?"

"As a loon, Princess", Vince said as he kissed his daughter on the cheek. "But they called me crazy too, and look, I'm a billionare now!"

"If you say so, Daddy", Steph sighed. "Oh, by the way, did I mention John Cena leading a line dance with Samoan wrestlers?"

"Nope", Vince said. "But write it down so I can look at it properly."

"I will", Steph said as she left the room. "See you later, Daddy!"

After watching Steph leave, Vince picked up the phone.

"Hunter, this is Vince. I think you should wrestle on RAW next week. Nothing serious. Just a cage match against Kane... and Sheamus... and Orton... and all of Nexus. No, I'm not mad at you. Why would you think that? Well, just be at RAW on Monday."

Vince hung up the phone and sat back in his chair.

"A theatre in Branson for the WWE to do variety shows. That's crazy!", he sighed.

The End... (for now)

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