Okay, so I did this survey yesterday and was truthful, honest and to the point with my answers. And I re-read it this morning and nearly fell asleep three times. It's so damn boring. It's more exciting to watch the cast of Jersey Shore attend a spelling bee and wait for honey (groan) than to read this survey. I have no life!! So I've decided to re-do the survey and make a few slight changes. Instead of being 100% honest (and boring), I've decided to embellish a slight bit on some of the answers... or else I'll just pretend like I work at MSNBC and just blatantly outright lie. (Yes, Ed Schultz - I'm speaking of you!) Anyhow, this is "A Year In Review Survey - Take 2" - So let's do this again. And may the force be with you!
A Year In Review Survey...
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Jumped sharks on water-ski's in Hawaii (how did they get those sharks on water ski's?), made a sculpture of Kermit the Frog out of belly-button lint and watched an M&M shove a pretzel up his butt while listening to the Clarence Carter classic "Back Door Santa".
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions?
No - I was broke and needed extra cash so I sold them to a band of wandering gypsies.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I don't want people to be close to me when they do that. It's nasty and disgusting. Have you ever seen a big headed baby crawl out of a vajaja? Why would anyone want to be close to that. They might be slimed by baby goo. Yuck!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Qhadafi over in Libya and the Muppet look-a-like dude in N. Korea. They were dear friends and we all regularly got together for tea and crumpets.
5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't visit any countries this year, but the nation of Tanzania came to visit me. It stayed in the guest bedroom and burned a cigarette hole in the carpet. Bad Tanzania. I had to ask them to leave.
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
An Academy Award for Best Actor. I think I deserve it.
7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 16th - it's the day that I saw that guy do that thing he does - very exciting.
8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?
I screamed movie in a crowded firehouse. The dalmation barked at me.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I tied my shoe and then went uptown... and my shoe came untied. Very embarassing.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, but I suffered bad reviews on my singing - the critics say that I don't sound exactly like Sinead O'Conner. I think they're crazy!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Hookers, drugs and Honey Nut Cheerios. They look just like little "O's" and have great honey and nut flavors. And they're good for you too.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Rob Kardashian - he shook his booty on national TV - just for me. He's a good boy!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The dude across the street - he didn't come over and offer to get naked for me even once this year - he pretends like he doesn't like me and I disgust him, but we all know the truth. I'm his fantasy and he's a sick, sick man!
14. Where did most of your money go?
In a small hole in the back yard.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I looked up in the sky and saw a bird. And then it was gone. And I cried.
16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Disco Duck - and now that I've mentioned the name of that horrific song, it's playing in your head. It will be there all day. You're welcome!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I'm sadder that I'm not happier unless I'm snorkelng.
b) thinner or fatter? My waist is thinner - my head is fatter - and the cows say moo.
c) richer or poorer? Po' white trash to the max - no doubt about it.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Pole dancing and standing on my head.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Break dancing with Betty White and Abe Vigoda.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Making water balloons and throwing them at the Christmas carolers.
21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No, but I fell into a table full of Tickle Me Elmo's. I stumbled and fell down and they just laughed at me. Damn you Elmo! Damn you to hell!
22. How many one-night stands?
The correct answer is a spoon.
23. What was your favorite TV program?
"I Dream of Jeannie", "Baywatch" and "Cop Rock"..
..
24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I hate many people, but I am consistent in my hatred and it carries over from last year and the year before as well. I hope she falls face first into a pile of Reindeer poop!
25. What was the best book you read?
"The Wit And Wisdom of Cheese" - very entertaining.
26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That when I slip and my legs slide in either direction, I can hit a high note that frightens small animals and babies.
27. What did you want and get?
A pack of Pampers and a case of Corn Nuts.
28. What did you want and not get?
A pillow case filled with red jellybeans.
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Wet And Wonderful World Of Water (with subtitles)"
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I woke up and took a breath and exclaimed to myself, "Winning!". I was (and still am) old enough to be hesitant but young enough to say "What the hell...".
31.What was one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A Snuggie and wool mittens. And a cat - I need a damn cat!
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Put clothes on so I don't scare the neighbors.
33. What kept you sane?
Lots of peanut butter..
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I've always fancied Jeff Dunham - I love a man that plays with dolls... lol.
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
So many - the repeal of DODT, the legalization of same-sex marriage in New York and most importantly, the banning of Happy Meals toy prizes in San Francisco.
36. Who did you miss?
That damn Mockingbird - I keep throwing rocks at him and he keeps flying out of range and laughing me. He's mocking me (which I guess is why he's called a "mocking" bird).
37. Who was the best new person you met?
New person as in baby or new person as in person I've never met before? I need clarification before I can answer this because I need to go get a haircut.
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
If it's covered in mold and screams at you as you open the door to the fridge, it's probably better to feed it to other family members first rather than risk eating it yourself.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Cheer up sleepy Jean - oh what can it mean to a daydream believer and a homecoming queen" - and now the Monkees will be singing inside your head all day long. YES!!! You're welcome!! (At least I didn't do "YMCA" by the Village People. Now that (to hear "YMCA - it's fun to stay at the YMCA") in your head all day going back and forth ("YMCA, YMCA - they've got everything that you need to enjoy - you can hang out with all the boys") would simply be tragic.
And there you go - my "2011 Year In Review - Take 2"... Definitely more fun than the first one, don't you agree? Of course you agree with me and if you don't, I'll cut and paste your face on the body of She-Ra, Princess of Power. And nobody wants that to happen. Hope you enjoyed the survey. Go read more posts and blogs. And I'll see you later gators!
-Doug
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