(Retro) Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: November 18, 2007

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
November 18, 2007
Doug Maynard

It's Doug and I'm back again. No, my writers are not on strike - it just seems that way. It's time for another exciting (?) edition of professional wrestling's most eclectic column, the one and only 'Tossing Salt". Are you ready?

No, I said "Are You Ready?"

So for the millions out there on the internet and hundreds of loyal "Saltines", let's get ready to "READ IT!"

Yeah, that's original!

By the way, if this column seems more awkward than usual, it's because I wrote part of it on Friday, part on Saturday and finished up today. And it's kind of random at points. Except for the Survivor Series stuff. Just read and enjoy. And remember that the views and opinions expressed in my columns are just my jaded outlook at things and not necessarily politically correct. I just calls it like I see it. 'Nuff said!

Let's do this!

Random...

Ron Paul - 2008: Of all the guys and beasties running for President right now, he's actually the best man for the job. Which means that, of course, he doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Hillary's presence. It'll be Rudy versus Hillary in the big election in November, 2008. My money is on the one from New York.

Pizza is good any time of day, hot or cold. But it makes me burp.

Work - it sucks! But I just got another raise! Yay! I want to quit, but I'm good at it and they keep giving me more money to stay. It's a vicious cycle.

Britney Spears - someone needs to commit that chick - for her own good!

Paris Hilton - someone needs to commit that chick - for our benefit. She's a hooch & gives slunts a bad name!

It seems as if my mail lady is running later and later every day. It must be the holiday season - or else she's changed her route around a bit. Whatever the reason, she needs to get her butt in gear. I want my mail!

Unless it's bills - and then she can keep 'em. Or I'll just pull the old Fred Sanford routine - aka "put 'em back in the mailbox!".

ACW had a show last night in Rockingham, NC. I had to work at the Kangaroo! So it was no ACW for me!

Hey Bill Bill - I hope you kicked some ass! And the team of B.D. Productions was back! And better than ever! Or were they? I need to call them boys!

Cold weather has begun to finally set in here in the 'Burg. It feels pretty good, but I've had to break out the jackets already. I don't like jackets - they're too bulky and confining. But it's either that or freeze! And I don't like freezing. It makes me look like a big, blue extra-large Smurf...

... without the pointy head or single digit IQ. They're cute, but not very smart. Except for Brainy. But he was just an ass...

I don't mind yawning - we all do it - but last night, while taking me to work, the mother-figure did that exaggerated, loud yawn six different times. For a three mile ride. And it shouldn't bother me - but for some reason, it just irked the hell out of me. I didn't say anything, but I wanted to. She probably can't help it - it's just the way she yawns, but six times - in less than five minutes - it just grates my nerves.

I bought a box of Count Chocula cereal at the store this morning. I haven't eaten that stuff since I was a small child. And I didn't much like it then. But the "Count Chocula" character was pretty cool. So I ate it then anyhow. And I bought the box today. Because it was on sale. Some things just never change.

Speaking of vamps, I just found out yesterday that Johnny Depp is a big Dark Shadows fan.... and he has entered an agreement with Warner Brothers about the possible production of a big budget "Dark Shadows" movie. That would be pretty incredible.. . And Depp is just eclectic and weird enough to make a great Barnabas.

And if I can be so bold to make a recommendation, how about David Boreanaz (sp) - "Angel" from the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer / Angel" series - as Quentin Collins. I think he'd make a great manipulative man-beast type of guy.

Or the guy who played Will in "Will & Grace" - Eric McCormick - there is something about him that makes me think he could really do well in a dramatic role as an evil, twisted member of the "Collins" family.

A big shout out to the man I love who turned "27" a few days ago back on the 16th. I love ya, Chris & miss ya. Happy (belated) Birthday to a super-cool dude with a super cool 'tude! Yeah, I'm going there! Love ya!

Happy (belated) Birthday to my favorite set of redneck twins (two hell raisers for the price of one), Carl & Carson, who turned 41 back on November 12th. Ya'll were crazy - ya'll are crazy! Don't never change! And where's my beer?

'Rasslin...

Did Christian really call Sharmell a "nappy headed ho"? LMAO! Booker T(NA) versus Christian Cage - I know we've seen it before in WWE, but I think this is going to be a good (and fun) feud.

TNA is still as confusing as ever for me - and there is still way too much Total Non-Stop Angle, but some of the recent stuff has been awesome. Christian - his "Coalition" of AJ & Tomko - the defection to Team Angle (can they use that term?), the debuts of Booker T & Sharmell, and the return of Kevin Nash to the ring - and Scott Hall ("Hey Yo!") to the spotlight - TNA hasn't hit a home run yet, but they're getting there.

And Disco Inferno a few weeks ago too? Yay!

Disco Inferno > Don West - so replace West with Disco. I'd rather see Disco at Wrestlemania in Orlando, but I'll take my sightings when I can get 'em!

If WWE produced a version of "Hee Haw", would it be called "WWE Haw" or "HHHee HHHaw"?? Just wondering.

I should do a WWE Hee Haw parody. I'll put it on "the list". Maybe one day before Aurora Rose Levesque becomes CEO of WWE. Heh! Heh!

I miss Ric! WWE needs to be fair to Flair! Bring him back to TV - NOW! They say that WWE Creative has nothing for the "Nature Boy". Well, that's the storyline. Ric can cut promos shooting on WWE for not having "anything for a 16-time World Champion" and then take challenges from the WWE superstars. It's the Rodney Mack "white boy challenge", but it's Ric Flair and he's not quite as racist and way too old to be called a "boy". But let Ric win by hook, crook, and any means necessary over different jobbers and mid-carders and the storyline is that he's out to "prove himself" and get back into contention for the WWE or World title. He can say the champs (Taker/ Batista & Orton /HBK: pending the results from Sunday night) are "ducking him" and after he keeps winning, he can end up doing a program with CM Punk for the ECW title. It'd put Ric on TV, create a storyline, give Punk the education of a lifetime, give ECW some great exposure, increase the ratings, and certainly be better than some of the stuff on TV right now.

Except for Santino Marella. As a wrestler, he sucks, but as a comedy act / sniveling heel - he is magic. He's the next William Regal (except for the wrestling part!) It must be the accent! But he's awesome!

And Maria? She's pretty awesome too! She's no Ivory, but then again, who is?

May the force be with you.

Yeah, I'm down with the trilogy.

Joanie Laurer recently went to court and legally changed her name to Chyna. Wow! Wouldn't this have been a bigger piece of news like five years ago? After all this time, the name has little, if any marketability left and Chyna comes across as just a looney-toon desperate for attention. But then again, with her history since being dumped by HHH and fired from the WWF (Surreal Life, Surreal Life Games, Sean Waltman, Howard Stern, the movie with Anna Nicole, rehab, that movie, etc), can we really expect anything less from Miss Laurer besides craziness.

Also, when announcing that her name was once again (legally) Chyna, Miss Laurer also took the opportunity to bash Vince McMahon and challenge him to a fight. She's on her way, eventually to a permanent residence in a padded cell and rubber room. Yeah, I just said it. That gal ain't wrapped too tight and it seems that every time she seems to be becoming a relatively "normal" member of society, she flips out again. She's a nut!

But then again, look how well the whole "crazy" images work for Phil Spector and Britney? Hmmm!

This years Survivor Series is the tenth Anniversary of the infamous "Montreal Screwjob" involving Bret, Vince and HBK. Originally, Survivor Series was supposed to be coming from Montreal, but the WWE chickened out and changed the show from Montreal to instead. Wimps! So, even though it would be much better to let this dead horse die and rest in peace, you have to know that the main event, involving HBK, will be full of subtle (and some probably not so subtle) Montreal Screwjob references. Look for HBK to use the sharpshooter at least once - and for Vince, at some point, to tell the people to "ring the damn bell" as he tries to "screw HBK".

But I had a thought. And it's far fetched. It's even downright crazy (as crazy as Chyna & Britney?)... How about this for a scenario? HBK and Orton have a fantastic match. Towards the end, you see HBK start to go for a super-kick, but catch himself in time and instead, lock Orton in the sharpshooter. Orton struggles, but he's trapped. He's going to have to tap. HBK looks as if he's ready to once again become the WWE Champion.

And the fans are ready for some shenanigans. They're expecting Vince to come to ringside and "screw" HBK. Well, someone makes an appearance, but it's not Vince McMahon. As HBK drags Randy to the middle of the ring, from out of nowhere comes Bret "The Hitman" Hart. He comes to ringside and starts to come into the ring, but HBK sees him coming and breaks the hold as he goes to prevent "The Hitman" from getting involved in his match. HBK screams at Bret at ringside. Bret just smirks as the distracted HBK turns around and walks right into a RKO by the recovering Randy Orton. Bret gives Randy the thumbs up and smirks as he walks away. Randy pins HBK to win the match and retain the WWE Championship.

There you have it. Bret "screws" HBK out of the WWE Championship, thus getting revenge and paying a debt that's ten years due. Orton retains the title and can move on to his next challenger (Y2J). And Bret & Shawn never have to make contact and Bret doesn't have to risk his health or get into the ring (or even say a word). And the fans go crazy!

I know. It's not going to happen. Yeah, yeah! But a man can dream, right? And besides, isn't this the WWE where "anything can happen"? We never expected to see Eric Bischoff as the GM of RAW and make out with Linda & Stephanie, but it happened. We never expected to see Sable come back to the WWE after suing Vince for "sexual harassment", but it happened. We never expected to see Goldberg in the WWE or see Christian, Kurt Angle or Booker T leave WWE and it all happened. The WWE has a big history of "expect the unexpected" and for the 10th Anniversary of the "Screwjob", wouldn't this be a great way to finally put baby to bed? Think about it!

The PPV...

As for the Survivor Series itself, I guess I should go ahead and do my predictions so I can put this baby to bed. Sounds like a plan, right? Here goes...

Hornswaggle McMahon vs. The Great Khali

This is going to be strictly comedy. Look for Coach to get involved somehow and be embarrassed. I expect we'll see Horny and Khali goof around a bit and then when Coach comes out to offer "encouragement" to Khali to "kill the little bastard", we'll see Khali do the chop-suey on Mr. Coachman. The referee will rule the match a no-contest and we'll see Khali & Horny become buddies and friends as they move on to form a new clique, "Oddities 2008", with The Boogeyman and Shannon Moore.
No Contest

10 Diva Tag Team Match
Maria, Kelly Kelly, Torrie Wilson, Mickie James & Michelle McCool vs. Beth Phoenix, Victoria, Layla, Jillian Hall & Melina

All of the ladies who can actually wrestle (except for Mickie) are on one team. This isn't going to be pretty. I expect they'll get rid of the dead weight (the bimbettes) pretty quickly. Look for it to end up as Mickie (and maybe Kelly) up against Beth, Victoria, Jillian and Melina. Damn, I hope that Jillian doesn't decide to sing. But this is a big event. You know she will. Look for mixed signals between Phoenix & Victoria to set up a future encounter between the two best wrestlers in the Diva's roster. In the end, it will be Mickie making the super-woman comeback to eliminate most of her opponents before finally falling victim to the power of the Glamazon.

Oops! I just realized something. This will probably be a one-fall match rather than the traditional "Survivor Series" match. If it goes traditional, look for Beth (and Melina) to be the final survivors. But if it's one-fall, look for the "Bimbettes" to take home the win as Mickie scores a sneaky win / pin over Beth Phoenix to take the victory for her team.
Winners: The T&A Express

Survivor Series Elimination Match
Triple H, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio & Kane vs. Umaga, Fit Finlay, Mr. Kennedy, MVP & Big Daddy V

I still have problems with Matt Hardy being on the same team with Kane. What about the whole "kidnapping Lita - dead baby" stuff that happened a few years ago. I guess if Matt & Lita could become friends again, it's conceivable that he (Matt) could become friends with the man who kidnapped his girlfriend and raped her, impregnated her, and forced her into a marriage from hell. Why not? Team HHH is going to win. Have no doubts about that.

But two things come to mind for me. One is that Matt may not be able to wrestle since he was "injured" by MVP on Friday Night Smackdown. So if that happens, Team Hunter will need a suitable replacement. This would be a great spot to bring back Ric Flair and have him participate as the 5th man for Hunter's team. He deserves it and the fans would pop. And it would make sense with his long history with HHH, as well as in storyline since Matt's "injuries" should be to serious to allow him to wrestle. Then Matt has one more thing to hold against MVP and it helps build on what is easily the best feud in wrestling right now. Anyhow, put out Matt due to injuries and bring back the "Nature Boy".

As for the match, look for Big Daddy V & Kane to be eliminated early. A brawl to the back or something. I think Rey & Ric will be out next, followed by Finlay & Kennedy. HHH gets eliminated by MVP and Jeff Hardy takes out Umaga. It's down to Jeff & MVP and we see shenanigans again as the injured Matt Hardy comes to ringside and distracts MVP long enough for Jeff to score the upset win.
Winner & Sole Survivor - Jeff Hardy - Team HHH wins!

World Tag Team Championship Match
Trevor Murdoch & Lance Cade (c) versus Cody Rhodes & Hardcore Holly

Cody & Holly are not ready for the tag titles yet. Trevor & Cade are a throwback to the older days of established and legit tag teams and still have a lot of gas left in their tank as the tag team champs. They retain the titles after Trevor pins Holly.
Winners: The Redneck Connection

Triple Threat Match - ECW World Championship
CM Punk (c) vs. John Morrison vs. The Miz

Miz & Morrison just won some gold over on Smackdown. They're partners now. So expect them to move into a love / hate relationship (aka Matt Hardy / MVP) as they attempt to keep their tag team gold. Damn! Miz is a champion? Who would have ever thought it could happen? As for the ECW Championship, that belt isn't changing hands any time soon.
Winner & Still Champion: CM Punk

WWE Championship Match
If HBK Uses Superkick, He Gets DQ'ed. If Orton gets DQ'ed, he loses the title.
Randy Orton (c) vs. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels

I talked about it earlier. Look for someone (Vince or Bret) to screw HBK. Orton retains the title.
Still Champion: Randy Orton

Hell In A Cell - World Heavyweight Championship
Dave Batista (c) vs. The Undertaker

Taker wins! Edge gets involved. Batista ends up with a notice in the papers saying "Rest in Peace". It's Taker's match - what do you expect?
Winner & New Champion: The Undertaker

So that's how I think it will all turn out. Am I correct? I guess we'll all know in a few hours.

More Random....

If I google my full name (Douglas Alan Maynard) - the first result that comes up is Douglas W. Maynard - a Professor and Director of Graduate Studies from the University of Wisconsin. OK - that's good to know.

Wonder what happens if I google the name of my columns. Let's find out...Tossing Salt: The first entry is about tossing salt for purification. Me (my MySpace anyhow) ranks Number 4.Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: I've got the first 5 spots - Yay! Four links to Wrestle-Zone. UK and then the MySpace page link.

Damn, I feel almost like a celebrity. Maybe I should start exposing my vajaja to the papparazi? Nah! First, I'd have to get a vajaja and that's going somewhere I'd rather not venture. Maybe I can buy one on Ebay? You can buy everything else there.Or at least on Craigslist. I saw where people were looking for livers and kidneys on there. So why not a vajaja?

See what over-exposure to Britney & Paris has done to me? I'm talking about vajaja's here. Sick! Sick! Sick!Let's see what comes up when I google "vajaja"...lmao!It's a site about tanning (http://www.iamtan. com/) and the piece is about hot wax and waxing to remove body hair and get that all-over tan.

I need a tan - I'm so pale right now, it's scary. I look like a white boy. But then again, I am a white boy so that might have something to do with it.

Duh!

The End... ???

And I guess that's it for me. Questions and comments sent to Doug28352@yahoo. com. I want to hear from you!

Come visit me over at MySpace at www.myspace. com/salt_ palace. Add me as a friend. You know you want to.

And I have a new home for blogs and random stuff. It's www.saltpalace2. blogspot. com. Come check it out for a side of Dougie that you've never, ever seen before.

Y2J returns to RAW and the WWE on Monday night. There is no truth to the rumors that he will be bringing with him a new tag team of "The Coreys" (Corey Haim & Corey Feldman) to manage in his spare time, even though that sounds like something WWE writers might suggest. Hell, look at all the success that they had with the K-Fed story lines and appearances? And after all, Y2J did spend a lot of his time off in Hollywood and making movies and albums so there's that "Hollywood Connection". It could happen. But I doubt it!

Anyhow, I'm gone for now. "Dat is all de' people need to know!"

Until the next time...

I'm Doug & you're not!

Ubuntu!