Just a few nights ago (Thursday night to be exact), I took a trip into a world that I haven't seen in quite a while - the world of drug abuse. I was (and am) an outsider who was invited on the journey by a young man who I care a great deal for. This was his last night in the world of nightmares - he's decided to give it up and try to be clean - he left Friday afternoon for Detox, to be followed by 45 days of Rehab.
Anyhow, I worked second shift on Thursday night and he wanted to be with me that last night. And more specifically, he wanted me to learn about the other side of him and his life - the side that I suspected, but hadn't yet seen in our short time together.
First, let me talk about Danny. He's a great guy with a lot of baggage. He's been to prison - he doesn't have a job - he's got a bad reputation around the neighborhood (mostly deserved) and is as far from an angel as you can find. He's also a warm, sweet guy with a great personality and a big heart. He's done a lot of stupid things in his life, but he's not a bad guy. He's never hurt anyone but himself in his dastardly deeds.
And (I'm hesitant to admit this), he's touched me in so many ways - I won't go so far as to say I love the guy (my heart belongs to another), but when I'm around Danny, there is a magic and a connection there that is unlike any that I've ever felt before, even with Chris. What was supposed to be a quick fling and a one-time thing has turned into something that I never anticipated or wanted.
But that's my burden to bear for another day. I was talking about the drugs. I know that Danny drinks. I drink too (on occasion), but he honestly has the shakes when he's not drinking. His body is physically addicted to the alcohol - and that's going to be the hard part for him. And then there is the coke.
I rode with him to get his drugs. I watched him smoke the rocks. I watched him go from one emotional extreme to the other. I listened to him cry about what his life is like and what he has become. And minutes later, the tears not even dry yet on his cheeks, he was asking me for money and wanting another hit.
This continued for most of the night - we sat in a small pickup in the middle of the woods and just talked - well, he talked and I listened. I refused to buy him any more drugs and he accepted that. He cried. We hugged. We connected in so many ways. And then, finally, we decided to call it a night.
I had seen several sides of Danny that I didn't know before - and although I didn't like what I saw, I also realized just how much this guy means to me. I don't want to lose him to the drugs, as I did Pa (an ex) - and I would love to see him get straightened out and make something of himself. It's not going to be easy, but he was ready to leave - to go get clean and take that first step.
And then came his brother, James.
After we said our goodbyes, I came home and Danny went home. Upon arriving home, he found out that his older brother had been out all night with his (James) girlfriend's truck and that James had cleaned out their bank-card for drugs. Danny's Mom filled him in and said that the law was probably going to lock James up.
Danny charged out of the house and in the truck he had borrowed the night before (from another friend / addict), he came to my house and wanted me to go with him to "save his brother". We went to James' house and woke him up from the couch. And left, taking him with us. As we left, we passed James' girlfriend heading back towards the house, followed by two Sheriff cars. Oops! I guess she was pissed.
Anyhow, we got James and went to the other friend's house - the truck owners - stopping on the way there to go get more coke. James, like his brother, is a drug addict. I'm riding around the county in a borrowed truck with two very high, drug addicts at this point and trying to avoid the law. After much hoopla and other B.S., which I don't feel like getting into right now, we ended up back at the truck owner's home.
He was PO'ed about Danny being out with the truck all night, but if they'd get him a rock, he'd forget about it. Long story short - I sat and watched these three men smoke up countless amounts of powder.... and I was just thinking to myself - WHY? It wasn't even enjoyable for them - it was just a constant cycle of smoking a rock and then wondering how to get the next one. It was so messed up. Danny left - he had promised his Ma that he would go to the rehab that day and she was waiting at the house - so even though he had been drinking and smoking most of the night, he was keeping to his word and left.
I started to leave with him - I didn't want to be there at this point and was anxious to get home. But he told me that he wanted me to stay there and get to know his brother, James better. He wanted us to be friends. (Actually, I've known James for a while - not very well, but we've been friendly and neighborly for a couple of years now.) And James asked me to stay as well, so against my better judgement, I stayed.
James and the home-owner continued to smoke their coke while I looked on and was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. James sent Doug (the owner of the house - he has the same name as I do) to the store to get a lighter and some cigs. And then he made his move - it's his birthday tomorrow (today now) and he wants to have some fun for his birthday. He wants me to loan him some money and anything I want to do, we can. Yeah, the brother was hitting on me. And James is hot! Very hot! But my feelings for his little brother, as well as my disgust for the whole situation overcame my lust at the thought of using James to satisfy my urges and I just said "no". He began to talk about how he knew that I was gay ("queer as a three dollar bill" was his exact term) and he knew that I had the hots for him. And all of that is true - very true. If this had been a year ago... or even a month ago, I would have gladly taken him up on his offer.... but after a night with his brother and after several hours of watching this adonis smoke one rock after another and then try to sell himself to me... I wasn't feeling lust. I was feeling disgust. And pity.
I gave James a twenty for a birthday gift and got a big hug in return. And the damn fool copped a feel. I almost gave in then, but again said no. And then I left. He (James) called me last night, but I didn't answer.
So I don't really know what's going on now or where I stand. James is a persistant type and I know that I'll have to deal with him again. And I might not be so strong or repulsed to turn away again. And Danny - he's taken a piece of my heart. But after seeing the world he lives in - and the enviroment he's used to, my hopes for him coming through this whole process clean and sober and straight - I'm just not sure how it will work. I'm going to be as supportive as I can for the guy. If nothing else, we're friends and he has taken a piece of my heart.
But even as often as I've been around the drug world, I'm amazed as how much control that little piece of powder has on people. It has control of Danny and he's trying to escape it. It has control of James and he's happily and willingly it's slave - to the point of sacrificing his relationships with his girlfriend (cleaning out their bank account) and his brother (putting moves on me) to enjoy another moment of that drugged out effect. I just don't get it.
I guess that's why I've been fortunate enough to stay off of drugs, even though I've been around them and both dealers and addicts for most of my life. I can't see allowing a momentary false feeling to control my life and actions. I just don't get it.
Does this blog make any sense? Not really, but it doesn't have to. I had forgotten just how fucked up the world of a drug addict can be - but after roughly twelve hours with Danny and James, I was overwhelmed by the craziness and chaos. And I was onlly there for a short time. They live this shit every single day.
I hope Danny can do this and get clean. I hope James doesn't end up dead in a ditch somewhere and someday is able to get out of this world of insanity in which he's so deeply submerged. And I hope that I never have to witness the waste and hopelessness again that I saw on Thursday night and Friday morning.
These guys are capable of so much more and they're wasting it.... just fuckin' wasting it all and wasting away in the process.
Damn, it's a bitch!
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