Rambling Thoughts

It's just kind of fucked up
I know the feelings I have for him
and the feelings he has for me
are totally different
both good and strong and legit
but where I want a boyfriend
a lover, if you will
he wants a friend
a guy he can chill with and talk to
and just be himself with
no strings attached

He's got that
I value his friendship
and respect the dude as I do few others
and I'm not going to fuck it up
by demanding more than he's prepared to offer

no matter what I might want
I should be happy with what I have
I am
and yet, I'm not
it's a quandry to be sure
so what's a man supposed to do?
Just ignore it
and push back the occasional twinge of hurt and pain
or just deal with it
make the best of a strange situation
and take it one day at a time

my usual reactions and instincts say ignore it
out of sight and out of mind
but try as I might
the thoughts are there
the feelings are there
and damn it, even the dreams are there
and he's here
smiling and laughing
oblivious to it all

I made my bed
now I lie in it
and ponder what to do
should I do anything?
I don't know
that's the problem
I just don't know

I refuse to give up what I have
because I'm sure I can't get what I want
that's not in the cards
but that doesn't stop me from wanting
and I doubt if I ever truly will...

2-11-09