COLUMN: TOSSING SALT WITH NEW POSTING LOCATION
Doug Maynard 09/15/2004
"Turn out the lights - the party's over! They say that all good things must end!"
~ Johnny Weaver ~
I remember watching old episodes of Mid-Atlantic and World Wide Wrestling as a child and wrestling legend Johnny Weaver was often the co-host along with either Bob Caudle or Rich Landrum. And at least once a night, Weaver could be counted on to sing (in a very off-key voice) those very words uttered above as some poor soul was put down for a pin or submission. I always knew two things for sure when I heard those words leave Weaver's mouth - (1) This man has no singing talents at all and is quite tone deaf... and (2) The match is over. Say goodnight, Gracie! "Good night Gracie!" (Sorry - I couldn't resist!)
And now, much like those little jobber boys did in the early 80's, I'm hearing those words echoing again and again in my head. The Wrestling Informer is shutting down. This match is over and it's time to hit the showers.
I'm Doug and this is the final "Wrestling Informer" edition of "Tossing Salt!"...
The first thing to ask is, "Why?". I think Brad explains that very well in his post on the main page. To run a website like the Wrestling Informer takes a lot of time and effort and quite simply, no one has the time necessary right now. This is a high-traffic site and running this website would be a full time job for anyone. Brad doesn't have the free time anymore to give. I was asked when the news broke by a couple of people why didn't I see about maybe taking it over. Because quite simply, I don't have the time either to give the site the attention it deserves. I think Brad is right and it's better to shut the site down now and go out on top as a success story rather than just prolong it and see the site suffer. I don't really like it, but I understand it and think, if I was the man making the decision, I'd probably end up doing the same thing.
So the next question is, "Where does that leave the status of Tossing Salt and the other columns I do?" Well, I pretty much have decided that, come hell or high water, Tossing Salt will be just like Hulkamania "bruthuh"! It'll live forever (or at least until I'm ready to call it quits!) And unlike Hulkamania, I don't pull the punches or play the politics (much). And I'll know when to call it quits. But this column will live on and keep going. "But where?", you ask. Saltamaniacs gotta know! Well, I'm gonna tell you... at the end of the column.
Yes, I've got a column here.. sort of. I could just go on and on about the website being closed down, but that is so damn depressing and as someone once pointed out to me, these columns are, to some anyhow, a temporary escape from the B.S. and headaches of the real world. So I figure I'll do a little Raw recap. Finish up with the "Who Am I?" bit. And I've got a little parody thingee I did a while back that really doesn't make much sense, but I haven't had the opportunity to go back and fix it. So I'll just post it as it and let it go. Why the hell not? And I've got quotes. What would a "Tossing Salt" be without lots and lots of them?
"Perry Saturn and Raven are made for each other. They're lost souls searching for answers in all the wrong places."
~ Bobby "The Brain" Heenan - December 1997 ~
You know them! You love them! The Raw Recap...
It's party time for HHH. He's the new champ. He has women. He has Evolution. And he has a big cake. A very big cake! Look out - it's Abdullah the Butcher...lol. Sorry - that was a WCW flashback. The girls strip HHH. Orton pops out the cake. He's gonna strip! No -he just attacks. Evolution goes to the floor. Randy nails HHH with the title belt and HHH goes face first into the cake. All we see are feet. Funny! HHH gets out o the cake... and falls down! "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Bischoff makes a match and The Stooges take on Randy in a handicap match. Benoit wrestles a French-Canadian wannabe in Rob Conway. Great match. Conway taps! Stacy says to bring out the wannabes. Here comes Molly. She's a wannabe? Molly trashes the skanks and challenges Stacy to a contest. Stacy says dance. They dance. Molly does the hammy ballet moves. Stacy makes like a stripper and gets sleazy and hot! Molly nails Stacy. All the real Divas come out and we see a quick scuffle.
Eric calls for a six-woman tag match. Leggs, Ex-Crazy Chick & Nidia from the Block get the win over The Evil-Bitch-Diva Express. Kane wants HBK! Eric gives him a victim. Highlight Reel. Y2J celebrates. Here is HBK. How about a IC title shot? Here's the CLB and Goat Boy. Lots of jawing and they decide on a match. HBK & Y2J beat CLB and Goat Boy! CLB gets the last laugh as he makes HBK unprettier. Simon Dean doesn't like fattys. But he likes money. Order his stuff and be a happy fatty. Wannabe time. Bye Joy! Hug the kids for me! Coach is a prick. Speaking of... here's Vince McMahon. He's very constipated, judging from the walk. Big announcement for next week. Eric Bischoff and the Raw superstars will never be the same again. Diva-Wannabes are supposed to box. Nope, says Vince. Beat up Coach. So they do and Christy wins. Whoo-hoo! Wake up Carmella! Kane fights a jobber. Kane is ready to destroy jobber, but Lita intercedes. She claims the chair as
"community property" and takes it away from the neck of jobber-boy! Kane is mad. Jobber-boy hits Kane with the chair and he falls on top of Lita. Lita grabs the stomach. Lita gives birth to a hand. No, she just screams and hollers. Kane is upset as the medics come to help Lita. Lita and Kane get in an ambulance and go to the local Waffle House to wait for the rest of the boys to finish the show. Love them pecan waffles. Randy fights his former comrades in a handicap match. He does well until HHH and friends play the number game. The ref DQ's Evolution. Mr. Benjamin returns. No one cares. Benoit says, "I'm the best there is at what I do!" and extends his claws. Show ends as Randy and his new friends stand on the ramp and look like dorks.
Now that, my friends, is what a recap is all about!
"Acting doesn't make me much of a fighter and wrestling doesn't make me much of an actor!"
~ Roddy Piper - October 1997 ~
"My splash is just too cold!"
~ 2 Cold Scorpio - July 1993 ~
WHO AM I?
The last "Who Am I?" was former WWF Champion Pedro Morales. Congratulations to the following folks who answered correctly: KJORTEO KALANTE, "BAMA BOY" CHAD BURTTRAM, JONNY LIGHTNING, MONKEY BOY, SABU STEVE, SMOKE RULZ & WILD BILL. Great job everyone. There's not a new "Who Am I?' because I don't know when exactly the new column will be starting. But great job to everyone anyhow.
"I'm the only Macho Man in the WWF, Chico!"
~ Scott Hall - September 1993 ~
And now, I did a little parody thing a while back making fun of the Jerry Springer show. Or to be more specific, I had wrestlers running and guesting on an edition of the Springer show. It didn't turn out quite as I expected, but still.... what the hell. Here it is...
JERRY TAKES A VACATION - SPRINGER (WRESTLING STYLE)... A parody!
Announcer: "It's the Jerry Springer Show! Jerry is on vacation this week so filling in as host, the one and only, Jimmy "The Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant!"
("Boy From New York City" blares over the loudspeakers as Jimmy Valiant dances on to the stage.)
Valiant: "Oh, mercy! The Boogie man feel good today babys! And the Boogie man is hosting the Jerry Springer show! Lawd have mercy! Tonite babies, we got famous wrestling feuds. The best of the best of the best. We can't all be like the Boogie man and lover everybody! Which makes me ask, why can't we all just get along? Bring out the first guests to the Boogie Man's stage!"
Announcer: The first guests are from a long running feud that dates back forever. The teacher versus the student. Please welcome our first guest: Bruno Sammartino.
(Bruno comes out and takes a seat! Crowd chants "Bruno! Bruno! Bruno!)
Valiant: "Bruno, baby! How are you? You're looking good! Mercy. Let the Boogie Man give ya a kiss baby! Good Gawd!"
Bruno: "If you try to kiss me - I'll hurt you!"
(Crowd chants "Kiss him! Kiss Him!" to Valiant. Valiant wisely ignores the crowd)
Valiant: "Lighten up, Legend! Tell us about Zbyszko! Mercy!"
Bruno: "What about Zbyszko? That was 23 years ago? I trained him. We feuded for a while. We made peace. What about it?"
Valiant: "Don't you hate Zbyszko for turning against you? Don't you want to cripple him? Isn't he a menace to society?"
(Crowd chants "Maim! Maim!")
"Bruno: "Larry is a good man and a good friend. I was kind of smothering him and he got upset. But we worked it all out about 15 years ago."
Valiant: "The Boogie Man don't understand. The Boogie Man reads the magazines. PWI says you hate Zbyszko. Vince McMahon told Boogie that you hate Zbyszko. Boogie is getting confused! Don't you hate anything about Zbyszko?"
Bruno: "Come to mention it, some of those shirts are kind of ugly! But you mentioned Vince McMahon. That's a man I hate! Vince is a liar and a scoundrel. He's responsible for the downfall of professional wrestling."
(Crowd shouts "Ugly shirts! Ugly Shirts!")
Valiant: "Vince wants you in the WWE Hall of Fame! Boogie is in the Hall of Fame!"
Bruno: "That's your problem. The only thing I'd like to be in where Vince is concerned is a locked room with him for about 15 minutes so he can't run or hide behind someone else!"
(Crowd shouts "Vince sucks! Vince sucks!")
Valiant: "Boogie don't understand! Vince is good! Vince likes the Boogie Man! Let's bring out Zbyszko!"
(Larry Zbyszko comes out and shakes hands with Bruno.)
(Crowd chants "Larry! Larry!" Larry bows and salutes the crowd!)
Valiant: "Welcome to the show Larry Zbyszko. What's on your mind?"
Zbyszko: "Thanks for having me here, Jimmy! For over twenty-five glorious years, I've played this game of human chess. This man here, (pointing to Bruno) is a true living legend. And he passed the title down to me, and now I am the "Living Legend". Not Randy Orton. Not Chris Jericho. Not any of those nWo flunkies of Hogans.
Bruno: "Wrong scum! You're talking about Orton and Jericho. They're WWE and they work for the scum, Vince McMahon. Not the nWo scum and Hulk Hogan."
Zbyszko: "Sorry! I was watching Valiant and thought I was in WCW again. Hogan, Vince, Orton, nWo... whatever. They're all scum and I'm a living legend. Time fears only the pyramids and the legends of professional wrestling."
Valiant: "So aren' t you two going to argue and fight? Boogie wants to see the two legends fight, baby! Mercy!"
(Crowd chants "Fight! Fight! Fight!")
Bruno: "Fight! I'm almost 70 years old. Unless it's Vince and his steroid-distributing ass, I don't fight anymore. "
(Crowd boos loudly)
Zbyszko: "Besides, me & Bruno are playing golf in the morning. We settle our differences like true legends should. On the 18th hole!"
(More boos from the crowd)
Valiant: "You're friends?"
Bruno: "We're friends."
Zbyszko: "And Legends!"
(Crowd boos some more! - They're getting hot!)
Valiant: "Then get off this stage, babies! This is the Springer show. We want loud words. We want throwing chairs. We wants fists and blood! Mercy! Security! Get these two depends-wearing wanna-be's off the stage!"
Zbyszko: "What the...? I'm younger than you, Valiant!"
(From backstage behind Bruno & Zbyszko, The Big Bossman comes out and nails Zbyszko with a nightstick! He nails Bruno with the stick! Bruno & Zbyszko sell the blows and quickly go down to the floor as the Red Shirt Security from NWA-TNA comes out and hauls away the two "Living Legends". The crowd erupts in cheers and glee!)
Bossman: "And that's how we serve law and order here on the Springer show!"
(Crowd chants: "Bossman! Bossman! Bossman!" Bossman acknowledges the cheers and heads back offstage!)
Valiant: "Mercy baby! The Boogie Man loves to see security clear the stage!"
(Crowd chants: "Clear the stage! Clear the stage!" Valiant starts dancing around on stage. The Boogie Woogie Man is in rare form as the "Boy From New York City blares over the sound system! Then suddenly, from out of nowhere - comes former wrestler and manager, "Number One" Paul Jones. Right behind Jones is legendary manager Sir Oliver Humperdink. And bringing up the rear is WWE Superstar, Paul "The Big Show" Wight! The three men proceed to beat Valiant into a bloody mess. Finally Wight picks up Valiant and gives him a big choke-slam off the stage into the audience! The audience chants, "Chokeslam! Chokeslam! Chokeslam!" Jones gets a hold of the mic and begins to speak.
Jones: "Finally Valiant! I told you I'd get the last laugh! No one embarrasses "Number One" Paul Jones. It took me twenty years, but who's laughing now Valiant? Who's laughing now?"
( Jones hands the mic to Sir Oliver Humperdink)
Sir Oliver: "No one crosses Sir Oliver Humperdink! No one! You called me a 'little fat rooster'. You caused me embarrassment and cost me money! I was forced to be 'Big Daddy Dink' because of you, Valiant! But the House of Humperdink, Sir Oliver Humperdink, always gets the last laugh! Always!"
(Humperdink gives the mic to Big Show)
Big Show: "This was fun. I like beating up old people. But now, you two promised me lunch!"
Jones: "You like Chinese?"
(Crowd shouts "Chinese! Chinese! Chinese!")
Big Show: "Yeah, but I'm hungry again an hour later!"
Humperdink: "I know a good steak place near here!"
(Corwd chants: "Steak! Steak! Steak!")
Big Show: "Sounds good! Let's go!"
(Paul Jones, Sir Oliver Humperdink & The Big Show walk off stage as EMT's tend to the fallen Valiant who is laying, shaking violently on the floor! We hear the announcers voice over the sound system!)
Announcer: "We're going to take a break right now so we can find someone to host the rest of the show. There are midgets in the hallway signing autographs during the intermission. We'll be right back!"
(Crowd chants "Midgets! Midgets! Midgets!" as the show fades to black!)
(After about a fifteen minute intermission, the announcer is on the sound-system again!)
Announcer: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. Please take your seats and welcome the new guest-host for the remainder of this show! Give it up for Chris Jericho!"
(The audience goes nuts as Chris Jericho comes on to the stage!)
Jericho: "Welcome to "Springer Is Jericho!"
(The crowd goes even more nuts, with a big chant of "Y2J! Y2J!")
Jericho: "Much like I had to save the WWE from total mediocrity four years ago, and much like I save Raw each and every Monday night, here I am to save this show, this icon of high standard television from the utter insanity that dominated the first half of the show! Let's face it? Bruno? Valiant? Zbyszko? All these guys had their time in the spotlight, but that was like 200 years ago! This is 2004, baby! This is a new time. This is a time for the 'Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla', the true living legend to come out and show everyone what it's really all about!"
(Crowd chants "Y2J! Y2J! Y2J!")
Jericho: "This show is about great wrestling feuds. I'm talking about bloody battles that had everyone standing on their toes wondering what was going to happen next. Like Hogan versus Andre. Dusty Rhodes versus Terry Funk. Triple H versus Shawn Michaels. WCW versus the WWE. Jim Ross against the laws of gravity and fashion sense. Jerry Lawler against all his ex-wives. But the biggest feud that has everyone talking is all because of few words in a book! And no, I'm not talking about Hulk Hogan's claim that on the seventh day, he rested. I'm talking about hot and heavy words between two of the biggest names ever, 'The Hitman' Bret Hart and the 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair." So here, on the Highlight Ree.... I mean , the 'Jerry Springer Show Is Jericho', we're going to get to the bottom of this! Please welcome my first guest, the one and only "Nature Boy" Ric Flair."
(Crowd goes nuts with a mixture of cheers and "Woooooo's" as Ric comes out. He shakes Jericho's hand and sits down!")
Jericho" Ric, welcome to the Springer show! I haven't had the chance to read the book yet. I'm too busy being a rock star and sexy beast!"
Ric: "I understand!"
Jericho: "But everyone is talking about this book. From what I understand, you didn't hold anything back about anything... or anyone!"
Ric: "For over thirty-two years, I've been up and down these roads. I've bled and sweated and paid the price time and time again. I've done it all. Done it all except for clear the air and speak my mind. And now, finally, I've done that as well."
Jericho: "You've definitely done it all. But the thing that stands out the most is that you speak pretty candidly about several other top names in the wrestling business, such as Dusty Rhodes, Vince Russo, Jim Herd, Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff, Mick Foley, and Bret Hart.
Ric: "I've kept my mouth shut for my entire career. I've been trashed by others. I've had people try to sabotage my life, my career, and I never said anything. Jim Herd was a total idiot! Bischoff had his head so far up Hulk Hogan's ass, I'm surprised he could breathe. "
Jericho: "Yeah! Yeah! Cry me a river, Flair! I just have to ask one question!"
Ric: "One question? What is it Jericho?"
Jericho: "Do you know a person by the name of Katie Vick?"
Ric: "Katie Vick? Why does that name sound familiar?"
Jericho: "Do you know her, 'Nature Boy'?"
Ric: "Wasn't that Kane's dead girlfriend?"
Jericho: "That's the one. That's the corpse that HHH defiled on live TV!"
Ric: "Those were some sick times! Heh! I remember Hunter telling me she was a little cold to his advances!"
Jericho: "That's because she was dead!"
Ric: "Oh yeah! Woooooo! But what about Bret? We're here to talk about the book and Bret Hart!"
Jericho: "No one cares about the book and Bret! That's yesterdays news, Junior!"
Ric: "Then why the hell am I here? I'm Ric Flair! You don't jack me around! Woooo! Sixteen times, I've been the champ! Sixteen times Jericho! What's the deal? I need to know now, because I am the 'Nature Boy'! Woooooooo!"
Jericho: "Don't blow the pacemaker, Slick Prick! Here's Katie Vick and a midget dressed like a clown!"
(Stagehands wheel out a casket with Katie Vick's body in it. Also, a small midget comes out in a clown suit and starts juggling balls!)
Ric: "What the...? I'm not putting up with this! I'm Ric Flair! I'm the champ! Wooooo!"
(Ric starts kicking and punching at the midget! Ric punches him several time and locks in the figure-four on the little clown!)
Midget: "Oooooowwwwww! Help! Mercy! Ooooowwwwww!"
(The crowd is chanting "Midget! Midget! Midget!")
(The midget passes out from the pain! Flair releases the figure four off the little man and goes over to Vick's rotting corpse still in the casket!)
Ric: "Woooooo! I'm the man! Wooooo! Oh crap! She smells like Dusty!"
(The crowd starts chanting: "Dusty! Dusty! Dusty!")
Jericho: "And here's a surprise for you Prick! It's Dusty Rhodes!"
(Dusty Rhodes comes out and grabs the microphone!)
Dusty: The American Dream, if you will! And the Nature Boy in the same house on the same stage! Get funky like a junkie monkey who's gotten drunky, touring all across the nation and into the living room. Some clubbering gonna be going on and the silver tongued Tony Schiavone gonna be on the flagship to cover it all. As only he can do.... and the Dream taking the "Nature Boy" to school.. one more time!
Flair: "Rhodes! Rhodes! I've been around you for thirty years and need to know something! What the hell did you just say?"
(Dusty looks at Flair and then at Jericho)
Jericho: "Don't look at me Porky! I don't know what the hell you just said. Of course, I don't really care all that much either!
Dusty: "What I said is the nation of nations is coming around the mountain and the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes is at the forefront of a new generation! Standing tall for America! Gonna shake the booty and kick some booty, if you will!"
Flair: "I still didn't understand! How about you Jericho?"
Jericho: "Not a clue Junior!"
Ric: "Screw it!'
(Ric reaches over and pokes Dusty in the eyes! While Dusty is selling the eye poke, Ric takes a chair and nails Dusty upside the head!)
Crowd: "Chairshot! Chairshot! Chairshot!"
(Dusty falls to the ground. Ric stands tall over the fallen Rhodes and then staggers, falling face first into the ground!")
Jericho: "What the...?"
Crowd: "Flair Flop! Flair Flop! Flair Flop!"
Ric gets up quickly!
Jericho: "What the hell was that, Flair?"
Flair: "Force of habit! Sorry!"
Jericho: "I understand! You're a jackass! Well, we're out of time!"
Flair (moving over to stomp Dusty Rhodes) : "Woooooooooo!"
Jericho: "See you next time on 'Springer is Jericho'. Take care of yourself and each other. And the ass cream did belong to Christian.! Take care!"
"Jacquelyn walks into a fancy store and every salesperson wants to help her. When Sable walked in, they called security guards!" ~ Marc Mero - December 1998 ~
Like I said, it didn't turn out quite as I expected, but still... And I guess that's it. I've put it off long enough. So what's the future for "Tossing Salt?". Well, the future's so bright I got to wear shades! *Ouch!* But I need to take them off while in the house! I will be continuing to post "Tossing Salt" in all of my Yahoo Chat groups in which I'm a member. I'll list the addresses for them below. Plus, I will soon be able to be found at http://www.wrestle-zone.co.uk. Yep! Look for the Revolutionary War to start all over again because "Tossing Salt" is coming to the UK! And if there are any webmasters out there who would be interested in having this column appear weekly (or more often depending upon how screwy my life is at the moment) - on your website, just let me know. Here are the places where you will be able to find future editions of "Tossing Salt"...
Yahoo Chat Groups:
DX Suck It! - email@example.com.
WWE Fanzzone - firstname.lastname@example.org
Hardy Central - email@example.com
Razors Edge - firstname.lastname@example.org
Scott Hall 4 Life - email@example.com
WWE Chat Group - firstname.lastname@example.org
And of course... http://www.wrestle-zone.uk.co.
All of these groups are fantastic. (I don't stay in any crappy chat groups!) and the Zone is an awesome site. Be sure to come check me out and keep reading "Tossing Salt".
And now, for the part I've been dreading - the sappy stuff. This is the end of an era for me. I've come a long ways in a short time and have had the thrill of a lifetime. And it mostly is because of one man, Brad Casey. So I just want to say thank you for taking the chance on me and giving me the opportunity to write here at the Informer. I know I've been a little bit trying sometimes along the way and probably given you a few extra gray hairs here and there as well. It's been a blast and I will always hold the memories of my time here at the Informer close to my heart. Or at least until I get old and senile. Then I;ll be holding a hanky close to my heart to catch the drool. And the only thing I'll remember is that the blue ones are good for fiber. But that should be quite a few years down the road! Thank you Brad - you've been a good boss and a good friend!
I also want to thank everyone here at the Informer, past and present who always provided me with good feedback and commentary. "Dirtside Maniac" Joshua Knight, "Raven" Matt Rawle, "Bama Boy" Chad Burttram, Jesse Mitchell and everyone else. There are just too many great and talented faces that have come and gone here at the Informer during my tenure here. I've enjoyed reading each and every one of you and getting to know some of you on a more personal basis as well. There's been some remarkable talent that has passed through these halls here at Wrestlig Informer HQ and these people are truly the heart and soul that made this the best damn website ever.
I need to send a quick shout out to some of the people who have helped me so often make this column the success I feel it has been - my other-half and partner in life, Chris, Miss Ann Casey, Mike Youngblood, Brian Adams, Bryan Clark, Ethan Storm, "Hangman" Bruce Pobanz, Brent Robinson, Russ Cherico, Marshall Martin, Tian, Tatz, etc. There are so many people - you know who you are.
And finally (yes - I know I've been rambling like Stevie Wonder at the Grammy Awards! I do that sometimes. Get over it!) I want to thank everyone who's read the column and written a letter, asked a question, or answered the "Who Am I?". You're the reason I did all this and the reason I'll keep on keeping on. Thank you.
"If I leave here tommorow, would you still remember me? / For I must be traveling on now, 'cos there's too many places I gotta see / If I stay here with you girl, things just couldn't be the same / 'cos I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change." ~ Lynyrd Skynyrd - "Freebird" ~
And that's it! Any comments or questions, just drop me a line at Doug28352@yahoo.com. And I guess this is it. For the last time here at the Wrestling Informer, "dat is all de' people need to know!" I'm Doug - see ya!