COLUMN: TOSSING SALT WORLDWIDE NEWS
Doug Maynard 09/12/2004
"On the Sunday morning sidewalks
Wishing lord that I was stoned
’cause there is something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone
And there’s nothin’ short of dyin’
Half as lonesome as the sound
On the sleep in’ city side walks
Sunday mornin’ comin’ down"
~ Kris Kristofferson - "Sunday Morning Coming Down" ~
Yep! It is bright and way too early on a Sunday morning. Way too early to be doing this. But the infamous "damn cat" decided I needed to be up so I could watch him eat. Aren't I lucky? And then the phone rang. Chris, the "Abbott" to my "Costello", the "Too" to my "Cool", and the most annoying person to hear on the phone at 7:30 on a Sunday morning, wants to go see the movie "Hero!" this afternoon. I'd rather see "White Chicks", but I'm not paying or driving so "Hero" it is. But that ruins my plans for the day. I was figuring on throwing together another thousand or so words of B.S. and then settling in to watch the PPV tonight. Or follow the results on the computer anyhow! By the way, Brad will do doing live "match by match" coverage of the "Unforgiven" PPV here tonight at the Wrestling Informer. So be sure to click in and check that out.
So since I won't be writing a long, well thought out column tonight with lots of preparation and notes (Ha! Well thought out? Preparation? I can't even keep a straight face typing those words...lol.), I'll just come up with something this morning and shoot from the hip without the benefits of notes or research. It's more fun like this anyhow. So what's on the agenda? Since I forgot them earlier this week, I've got recaps of Raw and Smackdown. I've got a new favorite TV show to talk about. And (surprise) I've even got a little bit of legit wrestling news! Plus the usual quotes, "Who Am I?", a very special "Did You Know?" and all sorts of stuff. There are more thrills and surprises here than in a Rikishi rectal probe. It doesn't smell quite as funky either.
I'm Doug and this is the wrestling column preferred by 4 out of 5 dentists for their patients who chew gum, "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News".
Disclaimer Stuff: The opinions and thoughts expressed here are totally whacked, especially since the author (me) is working on a couple of hours sleep and doesn't want to be up. No one else around here necessarily agrees with what I say or do and if they do, they should seek immediate counseling and / or be committed for evaluation. And the blue ones are good for fiber! You're welcome!
"I no understand your joke. I do understand you will shut up now or I will break your jaw!"
~ Nikita Koloff - June 1987 ~
"Look, boss, the boxer-wrestler business is almost a joke. After all, a man may hit me a couple of times, but if I cut the ring off and close in, what can he do after I put my hands on him?"
~ Andre the Giant - May 1987 ~
I have a new favorite TV show. Aside from the wrestling programs of course. While "Buffy" and "West Wing" still hold warm places in my heart, the "can't miss" show of the season is on VH1. I'm not a big fan of reality TV - I hate the Raw Diva Search crap - but I watched yesterday and I'm already hooked on "The Surreal Life". I caught a few episodes last year or whenever it first debuted... and it really sucked. But the participants involved this season are such an eclectic mix - it's, for lack of a better term, just surreal. Listen to these names: From NKOTB, Jordon Knight. The one and only Charo. From Public Enemy, Flava Flav. Comedian and former star of "Full House", Dave Coulier. Sly Stallone's big breasted Amazon ex - Bridgette Neilson. And rounding it out is former American Idol contestant Ryan Starr. Just the first show and already we've had Bridgette walking around nude and getting drunk. Jordon is being a real prick! Charo is just... coochi - coochi! That's
the only way to describe her. Starr is just totally lost here. And Flav is stealing the show. He's wide open and just an amazing personality. He's totally out there. So is Bridgette, but in a totally different way. If you get a chance to check out the show on VH1, do so and let me know what you think.
That just gave me an idea. (One of the benefits of working without notes!) I'm sure it's been considered before and it's really stretching the idea of "sports-entertainment" into a place that it probably shouldn't go. But that would make for great reality TV to put six or seven wrestling personalities in a house together for a short period of time, maybe four to six weeks and just let the cameras roll. I wouldn't even want the WWE to do it, although they would be the logical ones given their TV connections with Viacom and Spike TV. I would like to see a production company round up seven Indy or former big-time players and just put them together and see what happens when wrestlers stop being nice... and start being real. If I had the money and connections to throw together a pilot, these are the people I would try to get, just to keep it interesting.
Juventud Guerrera, Luna Vachon, April Hunter, Stro', Brock Lesnar, New Jack & Doug Gilbert. This mix would almost certainly definitely ensure excitement, controversy, and great television. I know I'd be watching it. And reality TV would never be the same again!
Here's a interesting little bit about the PPV tonight. If Chris Jericho wins the Intercontinental Championship tonight in his ladder match against Christian, he will become the first ever seven-time WWE Intercontinental Champion. Currently he's tied with Triple J - Jeff Jarrett at six IC title reigns each! I'm still pulling for "Captain Charisma" though. The peeps demand satisfaction! And that starts with our favorite "CLB" winning the Intercontinental Championship.
Here's a bit of news I stumbled across about former WCW / WWE superstar Ultimo Dragon. Dragon announced to the Japanese press that beginning in October, he will begin wrestling without his mask. He's currently scheduled to be taking part in a big New Japan show at the Korakuen Hall in Tokyo on 10/14 teaming with Jushin Thunder Liger & Kensuke Sasaki. I had heard rumors a while back that Dragon was supposed to be returning to the WWE this fall, wrestling without the mask and under his real name. I didn't give much thought to those rumors because I really don't think there is a place for someone like The Ultimo Dragon in Vince McMahon's WWE, but now that he's beginning to change his character and gimmick by removing the mask, maybe there is something to the stories after all. Dragon is a fantastic wrestler and deserves far better than the half-hearted BS push he received during his last run in the WWE. Maybe the second time will be the charm. Who knows?
The other big piece of news from Japan is that Nikkan Sports is reporting that New Japan Pro Wrestling is currently in the process of negotiating with the government of the People's Republic of China" and may be running tours in China as soon as Spring of 2005. This is great news for New Japan and could be seen a a major step towards regaining the stature they once enjoyed. But it does have me wondering about how this will affect, if at all, the status of Slim Baucom & Rikki Nelson's Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling which is planning on running as many as thirty shows in China within the upcoming year? It might not affect them at all, but I can't see the Chinese government being quite as cooperative as they have been in the past to Mid-Atlantic now that an alternative wrestling promotion has stepped up to the plate. This all bears some watching. That's for sure.
"You know, people like to make fun of our family because of our values. Perseverance. Teamwork. A genuine sense of brotherly love. Those kinds of things. But we really feel those values are worth preserving!"
~ Kerry Von Erich - July 1987 ~
And now, you know it and you love it... the official "Tossing Salt Raw Recap". (This is totally from memory from six days ago so if I miss anything, oh well!)
Eric Bischoff shows why he's the boss. HHH fights Eugene in the cage and Edge is stripped of the IC title. Christian and the peeps want the gold. Jericho disagrees. Eric makes a match for the PPV. Eric says "Cage?" Christian says "No Count Outs" (and the peeps shout "Boo-ya" in agreement!) Jericho says "Ladder Match". Eric agrees and we have a match for the PPV. Y2J nails Christian, but the problem solver saves the day and pulls the CLB from the ring. Evolution Sr. & Jr. team with the French-Canadian Glee Club to lose a match to Amnesty International. Trish picks on a pregnant woman. Nidia goes all "Jenny from the block" on Trish, but looses anyway after a "wardrobe malfunction". Tyson and the CLB climb the "ladder" to success as Tomko steals a win over Y2J. The cage is lowered and Triple H decimates Eugene. So long Eugene! We barely knew you! Edge shoots on Eric Bischoff a bit. The Wannabes get to arm wrestle and Christy wins. Amy gets hurt. Boo hoo! The Wannabes
get covered in chili. Orton kicks Kane in the "impregnator" to get DQ'ed. HHH & Bischoff restart the match and it's in the cage. A chair shot and an RKO and Orton comes out on top. Evolution attacks. Orton escapes and the show ends!
OK, I'm on a roll now. Here's the official "Tossing Salt Smackdown Recap!".
Holla! Holla! Teddy says we get to play "lumberjacks" tonight! JBL (with an assist from Virgil 2.0) get a win over the best young lion on SD today, Charlie Haas. Miss Jackie = woo-hooo! JBL talks... and talks... and talks. No more title shots for the Dead Man. Here's Teddy. JBL versus Undertaker in a "Last Ride" match for the WWE title. Picture an ambulance match without all the pretty lights and sirens. Are you "Tough Enough?" Does anyone really even care? Carlito steals a phone! That's cool. Kidman & London lose the gold to Kenzo & The French Tickler. Kidman has issues and takes a powder. London (Return of the Mummy) fights valiantly, but is no match for Kenzo's great facial expressions. Big Show is coming home! Rey-Rey wants Spike. He gets him for about thirty seconds. It's a six man now kids! The Stoner Mexi-Redneck Squad beats Daddy Dudley's three demon-seed offspring in a decent match. Kurt Angle says life just isn't fair! I agree! Carlito kicks over a
sand-castle and insults children. Hey, I thought he was supposed to be a heel? He just became my hero. Teddy makes Paul E. wrestle. He thinks it Michael Cole. Paul E. & Cole talk major trash. Missy Hyatte pops out of her outfit. Sorry! Wrong Paul E. match. Heyman storms the ring. Funaki storms Heyman. Heidenreich destroys Funaki and Paul E. counts his own win. Paul E. and Michael Cole get slappy. Heidenreich goes after Cole. He runs... quickly. Heidenreich versus Michael Cole. Can you smell the ratings? I need to go clean out the litter box. Damn cat! Everyone to the ring. Lumberjack time. Kurt and Eddie wrestle. People get involved and it all breaks loose. Here comes The Big Show. He's two weeks early. Show destroys everyone and anyone. Eddie? Splat! Kurt? Splat! Josh Matthews? Spla...nope! Hopefully that will be coming soon though! Luther puts up a fight! Splat! The Big Show is back! And I think he needs to go back to the anger management classes. They don't seem to be working.
And that's the recaps for Raw and Smackdown the way they should be done! Cliffnotes - eat your ever lovin' heart out!
Correction: In my Smackdown recap earlier this week, I mentioned that, conspicuous by his absence at the Lumberjack Match, was former MF'er Shannon Moore. A very astute reader (who's name I can not remember - sorry!) - pointed out that Shannon was in fact there and got tossed around by the Big Show at the start of his rampage. I must have blinked and missed it. Thanks for setting me straight! I appreciate it! But I'm still wondering where Jamie Noble and "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn were. Probably off together exploring that relationship that started so long ago in a small motel room with Nidia & Torrie...lol.
"Lex Luger - putrid! I spit on him. He is arrogant selfish man. Soon he will understand pain. I speak that better than English!"
~ Nikita Koloff - June 1987 ~
I'd like to take a moment and send out some congratulations to the best damn wrestling chat group at Yahoo - DX Suck It! We (I'm one of the mods there) are celebrating our 6th Anniversary on Monday, September 13th. Most groups at Yahoo do good to last a year - but we've been there for six glorious years and are still going strong. With (as of five minutes ago) 1899 members. That's not too shabby! I want to just say a quick thank you to all of the members who make it such a great group to be a part of and also offer my congrats to the best Mod's in the business who help make DESK what it is. X-Pac, High Voltage, Nemesis - Ya'll do a fantastic job and I'm proud to be associated with each and every one of you! And by the way, if you want to be a part of DSXI and join in the madness, we're always glad to welcome some new faces. Just check us out at email@example.com. So what are you waiting for? You know you want to! Just do it! It's quick and easy and your world will never be the same again!
"Chris Benoit is a man who I have fought epic wars against, over the years around the world. Mr. Benoit and I seem to take pleasure in brutalizing each other. Through that, we have come to have a mutual respect for one another. I'm not sure if a Benoit-Regal alliance would last very long; there is too big of a rivalry between us!"
~ Lord Steven (William) Regal (talking about Chris Benoit as a tag team partner) - April 1997 ~
DID YOU KNOW?: It's all about Ivory!
Ivory was originally trained by Eddie Guerrero's older brother Mondo.
Ivory made her first appearance in the WWE as one of the Godfather's Ho's.
Ivory had held the WWE Women's Championship three times and was also the champion for GLOW, POWW & the LPWA.
Ivory is part Italian and part Spanish.
Ivory does not eat meat, except for fish.
Ivory's favorite female wrestler is "Violet Flame".
Ivory's favorite TV shows are "Gilligan's Island" and "Police Woman"
Ivory's favorite food is oatmeal raisin cookies.
Ivory is good at imitations.
"It's your duty to shake your booty!"
~ Disco Inferno ~
"Lawler is a dirty old man! That's all he is!"
~ "Wildfire" Tommy Rich (after being beat by Jerry Lawler) - October 1994 ~
"Terry Funk? I don't know. He's tough, but so damned old. It's like wrestling a mummy. I'm scared I might kill him and get sued!"
~ "The Franchise" Shane Douglas - September 1994 ~
WHO AM I?
There was an awesome response to the last "Who Am I?" More of you remembered the appearance of the King of Shock Rock Alice Cooper at Wrestlemania III than I thought would. Yep! Alice, the man with the girlie name, is the answer. Correctly answering were: "THE RAVEN" MATT RAWLE, SUZIE Q., SABU STEVE, BIG KEV, "BAMA BOY" CHAD BURTTRAM, "THE HANGMAN" BRUCE POBANZ, "THE BOTTOM LINE OF WRESTLING" KJORTEO KALANTE, JACOB C. YOUNT, CHRIS HAZARD, JONCHILLA, "ICE BLADE" ALLAN JUST, TECTY, MR. MIKE CIANNI, SIXTEEN, LESLIE BLACKLER, "DIRTSIDE MANIAC" JOSHUA KNIGHT, REESY CHAMBERS, BILLY ROUSE, JESSE MITCHELL, DAVID HARTINGER & MONKEY BOY! Congratulations to everyone on a great job!
I'm a former World Champion who, in 1980, teamed up with the then-current World Champion on a major event to capture the World Tag Team titles. We were later forced to vacate the titles because of company rules that said my partner could not be the World Champion and Tag Team Champion at the same time. Who am I?
And that's going to do it for today. I've got to go get a shower and get cleaned up before Chris gets here. If you know the answer to the "Who Am I?" or have any comments or questions, just drop me a line at either Doug28352@yahoo.com or DougMaynard@wrestlinginformer.net. Have a great one and I'll see you Monday with the Raw report! "Dat is all de people need to know!" See ya!