WWE Match Game 2006 (A Parody) - The Sequal
A Vinnie-Mac "In Your Pants Or Else You're Fired" Production..
(Backstage)
Producer: Cue the cheezy music to start the show?
Assistant: You mean the stuff that sounds like it's from a 1974 porn movie?
Producer: Yeah, that's it!
(Assistant hits button and the sounds of the "Deep Throat" soundtrack from the legendary porn of the same title fill the studio.)
Producer: No! No! That's not it! Stop the music! The OTHER cheezy bad porn music, you moron!
Assistant: (chuckling to himself) Sorry boss!
(The sounds of the Match Game theme music fill the studio. The Producer cues the announcer, "The Road Dogg" who is standing by and tells him to hit it!)
Road Dogg: Oh you didn't know? Your ass better call somebody! You're damn right! WWE Productions are proud to present the parody sequal that you thought you'd never see, the only and only WWE Match Game 2006. And if you're not down with that, we've got two words for ya.....
(Audience yells, "Suck It!")
Road Dogg: Actually, the two words were "tough noogies!". Heh! Heh! Now, get ready to match the WWE Superstars. From top to bottom and right to left, Degeneration X members Triple H & Shawn Michaels, WWE Diva Maria and Eugene, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, World Champion King Booker & his lovely Queen, Sharmell, The Immortal Hulk Hogan and his daughter, Brooke - and finally, The American Dream, Dusty Rhodes and legendary comic Nipsey Russell. And now, the star of WWE Match Game 2006, the one and only "Ayatollah of Rock & Rolla", Chris Jericho..
(Audience screams wildly as Jericho comes out and picks up the mic!)
Jericho: Thank you and welcome once again to Match Game is Jericho! I know that after the last fiasco, I swore that I would never, eeeevvvverrr, do this lousy game show mess again. And I meant that, but Vince called me up and was begging and pleading for me to return.
HHH: You mean you bombed out with the Celebrity Duets gig and needed the job!
Y2J: Well, that too. But regardless of the reason, I'm back and this is Match Game 2006. As you might have noticed, we have pairs of WWE Superstars on our panel tonight instead of just single performers. And I know you're asking yourself, "why is that?"
King Booker: Yes, why is that, peasant?
Y2J: Glad you asked, Burger King Tooker B!
Booker: That's King Booker!
Sharmell: All Hail King Booker! All Hail King Booker!
Y2J: Stow it, Sister Sledge! The reasons for having 11 panelists instead of the usual six is simple. Vince wanted to destroy, I mean "help build" as many careers as possible.
Nipsey Russell: But why am I here? I'm not a WWE Superstar? Heck, I've been dead for a year now!
Hogan: So that's what that smell is?
Nipsey; But some guy named Papa Shango brought me back and here I am? And I want to know why!
Eugene: You're dead? Eeeeeeeewwww!
Dusty: The same thing thing happened to Ole Anderson, or so I've heard, if you will.....
Y2J: I don't know why you're here. What the hell is this? Dead guys on the panel? Next thing you know, they'll be having dead men as wrestlers and dead ladies as Divas..
Maria: I'm not sharing my locker-room with a dead Diva.
Eugene: They smell funny!
HHH: Let me explain this! Vince wanted someone on the show who was a link to the original series, to attract the mainstream fan. And it was either raise Nipsey from the grave and use him, or else bring in Charo & Charles Nelson Reilly.
Y2J: And no one would want to see that!
HHH: Exactly! Besides, what's the big deal about dead people rising? People do it all the time in the Bible, right Shawn?
(Shawn Michaels just puts his head down in his hands and sighs)
Dusty: And don't forget the Undertaker. He's supposed to be dead, if you will.
HHH: Hey Dusty, Taker isn't dead!
Dusty: The Dream has seen The Taker, if you will. He's cruising the big hearst and smells like worms and mothballs, all de' way to the pay window, if you will. That cat is dead!
HHH: It's a work! It's not real!
Dusty: Well, what about Matt Hardy? I've seen that guys booking sheets and heard the plans that Creative has for him. Next thing you know, you'll tell me that that's a work too! And he's not dead either!
HHH: Not physically! Just his career! (HHH chuckles to himself)
Austin: Buuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr rppppp!
Y2J; All right people! We have a show to do! Enough mindless bantering!
Brooke: Excuse me, Mr. Jericho?
Y2J: Yes Brooke, what is it?
Brooke: Is it time for me to sing yet? Daddy said that I would get to sing.
Y2J: Not on your life, sister! We don't want to scare off the few people remaining after all the senseless crap so far!
Brooke: i wouldn't scare anyone! I'm a great singer, aren't I, daddy?
Hulk: Yes you are, baby girl! Now be quiet while your daddy goes on a rant!
(Hogan stands up and looks at Y2J)
Hulk: Let me tell you something bruthuh, what you gonna do if Hulk Hogan runs wild on you? My baby came here to tickle the ivories and perform and you're just being totally disrespectful, bruthuh! Say your prayers and take your vitamins because Hulkamania is the strongest force in the Universe, bruthuh!
Y2J: Hulk, will you please SHUT THE HELL UP!
HHH: Hey Hogan, you'd better not stand up so fast! You might break a hip or something!
(The entire panel of wrestlers breaks up laughing. Even Y2J cracks up at that one! - Hulk looks around and sheepishly sits down!)
Booker: All right, you mindless serfs! I have much to do in running my Kingdom of Smackdown and restoring prosperity to the promised land of professional wrestling. Let us get on with this venture.
Sharmell: All Hail King Booker! All Hail King Booker!
Nipsey: Man, I thought working with Richard Dawson & Fannie Flagg was confusing? Where is Brett Somers when you need her!
Y2J: Well, it's time to introduce the two contestants. But you parade of assclowns spent so much time making the cast of Jackass 2 look like Mensa members by comparison, that we have to take a commercial break first! So we'll be back after we pay the bills with Match Game is Jericho 2006.
(commercial break)
Match Game WWE 2006 is sponsored by "The Marine" starring John Cena - Bombing in theatres near you right now!
Also sponsored by Skittles - Taste The Rainbow!
*****
Y2J: OK monkeys! We're back and it's time to introduce our two contestants for todays show.
Austin: Hey Jericho?
Y2J: Yes, Steve, what is it?
Austin: I've been up here listening to everyone...
Y2J: So...
Austin: And I've been drinking my beer... and I just want to say that this is about the dumbest thing we've ever done.
Y2J: I agree, but ...
Austin: I'm not finished, son. This show is stupid, this senseless banter is stupid and.....
Y2J: And...?
Austin: Vince McMahon is a stupid sonovabitch. .. and that's all I've got to say about that!
(Austin takes a big swallow of beer.)
Hogan: How come Austin doesn't have to share his spot with anyone? The rest of us have to share our spots, but he doesn't. Why is that, bruthuh?
Austin: Because there wasn't room for another person and my cooler full of beer... I chose the beer!
Dusty: I've got a dead guy right here that you can sit next to if you want to trade, if you will, Steve...
Nipsey: Hey!
Hogan: Well, I don't think it's right! I've got creative control! I think Austin needs someone next to him like the rest of us..
Austin: I think you need to sit down and shut your pie-hole, Hogan before I decide to open up this can of whoop-ass that has your name written all over it!
Hogan: Don't push me, bruthuh!
Austin: I'll come down there and beat your red & yellow crippled, cry-baby ass, Hulk! And that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold just said so!
Hogan: (mutters as he sits down) It was never this way in WCW...
Austin: Did you say something, jackass?
Hogan: I said, Watch 'Hogan Knows Best' on VH1....
(Brooke elbows her father in the side!)
Hulk: And buy Brooke's new CD...
Brooke: Thanks, Daddy!
Y2J: As fun as this has been, we need to get the contestants out here before we run out of time! Hey Road Dogg, are you ready to introduce our two losers, I mean players?
Road Dogg: *cough, cough* Let me put this down first. I can't remember - is it puff, puff, pass or just puff, pass?
Eugene: Puff, puff, pass..
(Everyone on the panel turns and looks at Eugene)
Eugene: That's what RVD told me!
(Everyone just kind of nods and shakes their heads in agreement with that answer)
Road Dogg (taking one last huge draw off the left-handed cigarette in his hand): And here are our contestants. Kurt Angle and, accompanied by his manager, Armando Alejandro Estrada, we have the Samoan Bulldozer, Umaga.
(The set moves around and we see Kurt and Umaga / AAE ready to play)
Y2J: I would give these two monkeys an introduction, but everyone knows them already and we're running way short on time. So we'll just move ahead with the game. Kirk, you're an Olympic Gold Medalist so you go first. Pick A or B.
Kurt: Why is it just A or B? Why not an "I" for my three "I's"? I'm a multiple-time World Champion. I was unjustly fired from the WWE because I'm too intense and too good! It's true. It's damn true!
HHH: And the pills and being a nut-job had absolutely nothing to do with it, right?
Kurt: I resent that remark, Hunter. You probably did it. It's your fault I was fired! You're jealous of my Gold Medals! I'm not crazy! I'm not addicted to anything but competition! I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. I'm.... hang on a second.
(Kurt quickly opens up a bottle of pills andswallows a handful.)
Kurt: OK, where was I?
Y2J: You were picking a letter - A or B, Kirk!
Kurt: Ok.... "B"...
Y2J: Everyone get ready to answer! Here's the question: Vince McMahon likes blank!
(The panelists quickly write down their answers as Kurt fondles his gold medals)
Y2J: OK children, are you ready? Kurt, what is your answer? Vince McMahon likes blank!
Kurt: I've got this one. I know this one. Vince McMahon likes to fire Olympic Gold Medalists for no freakin' reason. It's true! It's damn true!
Y2J: Not bitter at all, are you Ankle? OK, first we go to DX, Triple H and Shawn Michaels. What is your answer, gentlemen?
Shawn: Why am I here? Who did I make mad to get stuck on this show?
HHH: Be quiet, Shawn. Go say a prayer or something. I've got it covered.
Y2J: What's your answer, Hunter?
HHH: Vince McMahon likes "cock"...
Hogan: No, that's not old and beaten into the ground yet! Good one, Helmsley!
HHH: I'll beat you into the ground, Hogan!
Y2J: Cock! How funny and original. Not a match. Let's move on to Maria & Eugene. What is your answer?
Maria: What was the question?
Eugene: Yeah, we were watching the paint dry.
Y2J: The question was, 'Vince McMahon likes blank!'. The Olympic Pill Popper over there said something about firing people for no reason. And you say...?
Eugene: Vince doesn't like anything. He's a mean man.
Maria: Yes, he does! I know this. Vince likes horsies!
Eugene: Horsies?
Y2J: Horsies?
Maria (happily): Horsies!
Y2J: God, you're brain dead! No match. Next, we go to "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Please give us an answer, Steve.
Austin: Vince McMahon?
Y2J: Yes!
Austin: That toupee-wearing sunavabitch that runs the WWE?
Y2: Yes!
Austin: Who gives a rats ass what he likes!
Y2J: We need an answer, Steve!
Austin: You need an answer?
Y2J: Yes!
Austin: I know what he likes!
Y2J: Would you mind sharing it with us?
(Austin glares at Jericho and shoots him the bird!)
Austin: That stupid bastard likes beer! Hell, everybody likes beer!
Eugene: I like beer!
Maria: I like beer too! It has bubblesand tickles my nose!
King Booker: That's not beer! That is champagne, wench!
Sharmell: All Hail King Booker! All Hail King Booker!
Maria: No, it's beer! I put my straw in and blow! And the bubbles tickle my nose!
Eugene: You're funny!
Triple H: No, she's an idiot!
Maria: Hey!
Y2J: No, it's not beer! No match!
Austin: Hey, Jericho....
Y2J: What, Steve?
Austin: Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrrpp p!
Angle: This is ridiculous! I should have went to DDP's Yoga Seminar!
Y2J: Have patience, Kirk Angel! I'm sure that King Tooker and his lovely Queen, Shazamagoogoo, have the right answer.
Booker: That's King Booker, peasant!
Sharmell: All Hail King Booker! All Hail King Booker!
Y2J: Give it a rest, Paisley! Look Tooker, just give us an answer!
Booker: My royal proclamation is "Don't Hate the Playa - Hate the Game!"
Y2J: You're a royal jackass! No match! We go to Hulk Hogan and Brooke.
Brooke: Do I get to sing now?
Y2J: Forget it, Babbles! Just give us your answer.
Hogan: What was the question?
Y2J: Vince McMahon likes blank!
Hogan: That's simple! Vince likes to watch Hulkamania run wild like at Wrestlemania 3 when I bodyslammed the 25,000lb Andre the Giant in front of a bazillion screaming Hulkamaniacs! Whatcha gonna do.. when Hulk Hogan runs wild on you!
Y2J: No match! My lord, will this show ever end? Nipsey and Dusty, how about you?
Dusty: It's the American Dream getting funky like a monkey and the son of a plumber living high and mighty as we take that trip to the pay window on the mother ship!
Y2J: What in the hell did you just say?
Dusty: I said, if you will......
Y2J: Never mind! I don't care! Do you have an answer?
Nipsey: Before we give an answer, it's in my contract that I get to do a poem.
(The whole panel groans! We see Angle bury his head in his hands and start to sob!)
Y2J: Sure, why not! It can't be any worse than anything else we've heard so far.
Nipsey: A year ago, I died / and I thought that was the end / but little did I count on
Vince McMahon and his voodoo friends!
So here I am on Match Game / and sitting next to Dusty /and right above me is Maria / boy, that girl is busty
We have Eugene, Hogan and DX / Kurt Angle is the man! / Y2J is our host though he swore he'd never do it again
Yes, back from the grave to play Match Game / this after-life sure is swell / let's get this over with so I can rest in peace / and you can all go straight to hell!
(The panel just sits in stunned silence! No one is sure what to say!)
HHH (wiping the tear from his eye) That was beautiful!
HBK (looking at Triple H) You're a sick freak, you know that!
HHH: I know! Steph likes me that way!
Y2J: OK, Shakespeare, thanks for the limeric. Now, give us an answer, please!
Dusty: Well, the Dream knows Vince McMahon very well and he knows what Vince likes, if you will! Vince likes transvestites!
Y2J: Transvestites?
Dusty: Of course. How else would you explain Sable?
(Everyone kind of nods in agreement!)
Y2J: Well, that's true, but the answer still isn't a match. So Kurt, you got zero matches!
Angle: That's not fair! It's a conspiracy! I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist! I'm not on drugs! I'm perfectly stable! I practice the three I's! It's true! It's true!
(Kurt swallows another handful of pills and jumps up and starts running around the studio, with his arms spread like an airplane!)
Kurt: Wheeeeeee! I'm wearing the Gold! I broke my freakin' neck! Vince is out to get me!
Y2J (to the producers) What do we do now? Kurt's lost it?
Austin: Give 'em a beer!
Armando Alejandro Estrada: I can handle this if you listen to me... ha ha!
Y2J: What do you want, Lou Bega?
AAE: My name is Aaaaaarrrmannnndddd ooooo Aaaaaallllllleeeejj jjjjaaannnndddoo oooo Essssssttrrrrrrrrrr rraaaaddaaaaaa
Y2J: Yeah, Mr, Rourke, that's what I said! You said you can solve this problem?
AAE: With my Samoan Bulldozer... Uuuuuuummmmmmaaaaaa aggggggggaaa!
Kurt (running by with his arms spread): I can fly! I have wings! Wheeeeeeeeee!
AAE: If Uuuuummmmaaaaaaaaaa ggggggaaaaa stops Angle, do we win the game?
Y2J: If you and Ugly-mama stop Angle, you can say that you won by default!
AAE: That's all I wanted to hear..ha ha!
(AAA reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a cigar! He breaks it and Umaga jumps up quickly and swats Kurt down like a bug)
Y2J: We're out of time, monkeys! Thank goodness for that! This has been Match Game WWE 2006 and I swear, you will never eeeeeevvverrrrr see me back doing this again! The Jungle Jackass wins by default! And Vince... lose my number!
THE END!
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