Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: November 4, 2011

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
November 4, 2011
Doug Maynard

It's been a totally wild and crazy week. We've had Muppets on RAW, the Rock is back again, a WWE Champion is suspended, I've discovered a love for vodka and gatorade, my neice has decided she's a lesbian and I'm wearing a Burger King crown on my head at this very moment. Can you think of a better time to attempt to write an edition of Pro Wrestling's Most Eclectic Wrestling Column Since 2003, "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News?". I can't either, so let's go crazy and put the pedal to the medal blow this sucka up! Did I mention that my neighbor is a sexy ass beast? Shhhhh! Don't tell anyone I said that. I don't want to give the guy a complex, but still... DAMN! I'd rock his world!

I'm Doug and there's a lot to chit chat about and very little time. Let's do this!

RANDOM NEWS BITS & THOUGHTS...

Muppets...

This past Monday night, Monday Night Raw had a few very unique guests... The Muppets. And I have to admit, I liked it. Well, most of it anyhow.

The Miss Piggy confrontation with Vickie Guerrero was great, as was the "family reunion" between Sheamus & Beaker. And the final segment with Miss Piggy and Kermit interacting with Hornswoggle, John Morrison and Cody Rhodes was great. I didn't really care for Beaker's involvement with the Santino Marella / Jack Swagger match, but since it was Santino, I won't harp too much on it. And unfortunately, the segments with (the two old men in the balcony) fell flat. More good than bad with the Muppets though and I think they're the best "Guest Hosts" since Hugh Jackman a few weeks ago.

I wonder when they're going to bring back K-Fed (Kevin Federline) as a guest host? I guess he's not finished spending Britney Spear's crazy-check money yet. I want to see a match with Great Khali taking on the Muppet "Sweetums".... That would be cool!

Evan Gets Busted...

Evan Bourne, currently one half of the WWE Tag Team Champions and Air Boom, has been suspended for thirty days as a result of a Wellness Policy violation. Bad move for the Bournester, especially since it's so hard for a smaller guy, who's not Mexican or masked, to get any kind of push in the WWE. Bourne has been doing well for a while, but I have a feeling that when he returns from his "vacation", he's going to be just below Drew McIntyre and John Morrison on the "let's give this guy some glory" ladder.

It also makes me wonder what will happen with the Tag Team Championship since one person (Kofi Kingston) can't be the top tag team in the WWE all by himself. If he was named HHH or Randy Orton or The Undertaker, he could probably be a one-man tag team champ, but Kofi is not held in the same regard as any of these men. He's probably lucky to get a free ticket to catering backstage. So he's going to lose the title, probably this upcoming week on RAW. The question is, will he be allowed to select a partner to defend the titles or will he be forced to compete in a handicap match?

And who will his partner be? And even more importantly, who will the next champions be? Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett defeated the tag team champs this past week on RAW, while Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler have been feuding with the champs. So logic dictates that one of these teams will most likely be the next tag team champs, right? But this is the WWE and to paraphrase an old Tina Turner classic (which also happens to be one of my favorite songs), "What's Logic Got To Do With It?".

I'm making a prediction now. The next tag team champs will be managed by Vickie Guerrero and will be Jack Swagger and... Christian. Why not? They need to do somethng with these guys and nobody in the WWE (with the possible exception of Booker T) is more versed in tag team wrestling and tag team titles than Christian. So that's my prediction. And I think it'll happen. But then again, I've got a buzz kicking right now so what do I know.

The Crock...

The Rock was back on Monday Night RAW this week with another taped promo. He gave John Cena an answer as to Cena's request that he and The Rock team up at Survivor Series to face The Miz and R-Truth. The Rock teased no, but said yes and you know what? I don't care. When the Rock first came back and started his back and forth with Cena, it was funny. It was cool. It had attitude. And they set a match for Wrestlemania and that was cool too.

But listen up, Rock. 1999 called and they want their promos back. Update the promos and be Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, bad-ass extreme icon who lives and kicks candy-asses in 2011 and not keep relying on the same, long winded promos that have so many words, but don't same a damn thing. Bringing the Rock back was a nice piece of nostalgia, but he should not be teaming with Cena at the Survivor Series. He should not be in a WWE ring at all until Wrestlemania. Too much Rock gets old pretty damn fast and to me, it's already moved from exciting to bathroom break time.

I like Dwayne Johnson and I like "The Rock" and I truly do want to see this former WWE Superstar layeth the smackdown all over John Cena's Fruity Pebbles candy-ass at Wrestlemania. But I don't want to see him before then, at least not until about two or three weeks before Wrestlemania. And especially not wrestling at Survivor Series. It's just diluting the product and killing the magic. WWE really should know better.

Other Stuff...

Former WCW World Champion David Arquette got voted off of Dancing With The Stars this past Tuesday. I've been watching each week (at least until it was time for RAW to come on) and Arquette was getting better and better each week and should be very proud of his time on that show. He was funny and entertaining and really busted his ass with the dancing and has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Congratulations to David Arquette on what was a great run.

Now, can someone please tell me how Nancy Grace is still there? I really do despise that arrogant, annoying, hypocritical, trash-bag, bottom feeding ho' of an ass-clown. (Can't you tell?). She always looks constipated. I'm serious. Just look at her. Geez!

I've been watching Garrett Bischoff recently on TNA Impact Wrestling. He's a referee who will soon be wrestling or so it seems. I had an idea for a faction for TNA that could really annoy a lot of people. How about a tag team of Garrett Bischoff and Reid Flair. Bring in Cody Hall (Scott's son) as their "big man" and put Nick Hogan as their extra-annoying mouthpiece. Think about it. Flair, Hall, Hogan and Bischoff together as a young faction who come in and think the world owes them everything and they want to rule / take over TNA... at the expense of their elders (Hulk, Eric Bischoff, Ric, etc). We could just call them "Arrogance!". It'd work. It'd make money. It'd draw fans! Well, either that or else it would be a train wreck of massive proportions. But I want to see it happen. Hey Vince Russo, give me a call. We need to talk.

WWE needs to reach out and make an attempt to steal Crimson and Matt Morgan away from TNA when their contracts come up for review. Those two guys are going to be big, big stars in the future.

As for my niece, who I mentioned in the opening, I love her and support her in any choice or decision she decides to make. And how I can I condemn anyone for their sexual preference? I just want her to be happy. I think that's all any of us want, for those we love and ourselves as well. You go, girl! Nuff said!

Happy Birthday Tecty! Happy Birthday Jed. And Happy Birthday (in less than two weeks) to the man who owns my heart and I love. Happy Birthday Cal!

And that's enough general rambling for the time being. I'm giving myself a headache. Maybe I need more vodka? Hold on for a moment, my friends and I will return shortly.

Okay, that's much better. So what should I do next? I've done "Casting Calls" for the past two columns, recasting both "The Addams Family" and "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with WWE Superstars, so that's out. I did "One on One" bits for the columns before that. Hmmmm! Nah, I'm just not feeling it tonight (or much of anything actually). So let's just move on to the "Who Am I?" and wrap this bad mama-jama up.

Who Am I?...

In my last column (well the next to last actually from October 30th), I asked this question.

I began my career in Florida in 1991 where I was part of a tag team named after the scary parts of a storm, as well as a song by Miss Thang in the 80's. After the team ended, I became a part of WCW where my snake-like character (GI Joe hates me) was packaged as a former Gulf War veteran and I feuded with my former Drill Sergeant for a bit. And then I really made my mark imitating one of WCW's top stars, working both WCW and New Japan Pro Wrestling as a nWo affiliated icon until WCW folded in 2001. I continued to wrestle the Indy circuit in the Carolina's for several more years before leaving the business. I am now a project manager for the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine. It's showtime folks. Who am I?

And the answer was (drum roll please) Jeff Farmer, aka "Cobra" / "nWo Sting".

Correctly answering were two super-cool dudes and longtime readers, Russell "Stover" Jackson and my wrestling-brother, Harold Schwan. Congratulations gentlemen, on a job very well done. And thank you for answering.

Here's the new one.

I'm a second generation worker from Portland, OR, although neither I nor my brother, who had a funkin' good career in his own right, had our greatest success in our home territory. My greatest success came while portraying a version of Michael Keaton's greatest role who had a thrice-name phobia and then later in Mexico as the tag team partner of a famous liar, cheater and thief. In fact, my former tag team partner later "stole" his trademark "frog splash" from me and used it as a tribute to me until his own death many years after my own. My greatest comercial success came in November, 1994 when I participated in a joint pay-per-view put forth by AAA and WCW and unfortunaltely, my greatest failure came when I passed away less than a month after this big event. Who Am I?

Do you know the answer? Then let me know at Doug28352@yahoo.com and tell me the name of this truly unique and special character and person. Rack those brains, people. Talk to me.

And with that, I'm out of here, my friends. It's time to go take care of bid'ness and do some stuff. Go check out my blog site at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com and read all things Dougie (wrestling columns, short stories, political commentary, surveys, general rants and ramblings, etc). Try it - you'll like it.

I'm Doug and I'm gone. Thanks for reading and please, always be a fan. Support your local Indy wrestling company. Until the next time, see you.

Ubuntu!