Monday, October 3, 2011

(Retro) Six Minutes - April 2, 2009

Six Minutes
April 2, 2009
Doug Maynard

Happy day after April Fool's Day! And with what I see and feel looking at the line-up for the biggest show of the year, coming up in just a few days, I think there are several "April fools" in charge of WWE Creative. We're just four days away from Wrestlemania 25 (which is amazing in itself since it's actually only the 24th Wrestlemania event.)

I'm looking at this card from head to toe and to be honest, I have no idea yet if I'm even going to order it this coming Sunday. And that, my friends, is very sad. Back when I started working at my current job, one of the first things I told my supervisor was that come April, on Wrestlemania Sunday, I WILL be off work. I'll work any holiday they want, including Christmas, New Year's, Halloween or Thanksgiving. I'll work my birthday with no questions asked. But I do not work on the day of Wrestlemania.

And with all that in mind, I may just volunteer to work this coming Sunday. Think about it? Aside from the Hardy match, with Matt taking on Jeff, and of course, Undertaker versus HBK, what else is there that we haven't seen before? JBL versus Rey Mysterio? We saw it many times just a few years ago when both Rey and JBL were on Smackdown and heck, we even saw it again this past Monday. Cena versus Edge versus Big Show? None of this is new territory. Triple H versus Randy Orton?

Yawn! Is this five years ago again? The Money In The Bank has the potential to be either damn good or a train wreck. And as much as I like most of the competitors, my money is leaning towards the train wreck aspect.

So what I'm going to do is look at the Wrestlemania card, from top to bottom, and just do some tweaking (or just blatant changes) to do what I feel should have been done by WWE and the McMahons to make this a bigger and better card and actually something that I would be more interested in watching and seeing instead of the somewhat blah and boring card they have booked now.

Let's start off with the main event (or what should be the main event in my opinion.) The Undertaker versus "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels. This one has been done correctly and I wouldn't change a thing. It's the two biggest stars of the past fifteen years, the two icons of the WWE, and it's a legitimate dream match-up. The WWE has been teasing towards this for two years and it's good to see it finally happen.

The other match, that has a good "Wrestlemania feel" to it is the Jeff Hardy - Matt Hardy "Extreme Rules" match. In general, I'm not a big fan of "brother versus brother" style matches and feuds, but if they're well done, as this one has been (or the Bret - Owen feud was, for example), I can pretty much overlook the whole "brother" aspect and suspend my belief to watch two of the best overall performers in wrestling (and two local guys as well) go to the biggest show of the year and do their thing.

The only thing that surprises me about the Matt versus Jeff match is how WWE has tried to downplay it and with the exception of the occasional quick confrontation on Smackdown, this match has been all, but forgotten in the build and advertising for Wrestlemania. It's a match that stands out and is different and can attract fans. But it's being treated as almost an afterthought by the WWE.

But that seems to have always been the story with the Hardys and WWE. Vince and the WWE have always taken them and their fans for granted. And so it continues.

And now, let's move on to the other matches.

Edge is defending his World Heavyweight Championship against John Cena and Big Show in a triple-threat match. Ho-hum! We've seen Edge versus Cena about a million times. We saw Cena versus The Big Show this past Monday on RAW.

And the whole build for the match is not about the World Heavyweight Championship, as it should be, but who has the biggest weiner and loves Vickie Guerrero more (because Vickie apparently loves big weiners.)

Maybe we should call in Lance Storm and make this a 4-way dance, because if I remember my WWE storylines well enough, wasn't one of Lance's gimmicks that he allegedly had a big schlong? And why the heck am I talking about this in a Wrestlemania themed column? It's the WWE's fault and the path they chose to walk.

I don't mind Edge taking on Cena. They always had good matches and even though it's been played out several times already in the past. And I understand that the WWE likes to have triple-threat matches as at least one of their WM title matches. That's all well and good. But the Big Show? What has the Show done all year to earn this spot? Last year, he lost to a boxer. And since then, he's done absolutely nothing. Look at the three men involved in this match. Who doesn't belong? It's obvious.

Now this is my opinion. Since ECW Champion Jack Swagger doesn't have a match, which is a travesty in itself - it's the 3rd "World Title" for WWE and Swagger represents the entire ECW brand. Since he's not having a match, that shows very well just what the WWE Creative thinks of their 3rd brand, doesn't it? But that's a subject for another day.

My suggestion for this match would have been insert Swagger into the match. All it would have taken was a promo on RAW or ECW and Swagger saying that his ECW title is bigger than Edge and the World Title or Cena or even Big Show. Since the match is going to be a multi-man cluster anyhow, what difference would one more man make?

And Swagger is the new face, the young buck of the company, so that would add some energy and spice to the match that it's lacking currently. So, in keeping with the WWE's current plans of Cena, Edge and Big Show, I'd change the focus from the love of Vickie to the World Championship and add the ECW Champion to the mix. It's a small and simple change, but it could do wonders for making the match better and more enticing. And it'd give a rub to Swagger and the ECW title that he deserves, despite what the WWE Creative and Vince seem to think.

The other title match is Triple H defending the WWE Championship against Randy Orton. I'm not a bit excited about this match. The build has been all over the place and I'm pretty sure that HHH and Randy will put on a decent match. But there's just not any kind of freshness or originality about it. Maybe they should add a stipulation where the winner gets to date Vickie Guerrero? Nah, I think that already applies to the triple-threat match.

But I'll grudgingly take this match as it is, since it's HHH and Randy and they're the "darlings" of the McMahon family and WWE. I'm not excited for it at all, but there's noting extremely bad about it. It is what it is.

Another "big" match is the WWE Intercontinental Championship being defended by champion JBL against the challenge of Rey Mysterio. Didn't we just see this match on RAW Monday night? And Rey won cleanly. So now, we're expected to pay $55 (or more) to see the same match again?

And what about JBL's "historic announcement"? Rey and JBL have tangled several times in the past and their matches have never been all that spectacular. Rey works better against someone more his size and speed, like an Evan Bourne or even a Jamie Noble. (That's a match I'd love to see sometime.) But putting the mighty midget, Rey, in there against JBL is just insane. And then expecting us to believe that Rey wins? Even more insane.

If JBL wanted a "historic" match that would actually stand a chance of being good, this should have been JBL taking on William Regal. Two heels who are close enough in size to make it believable. Regal is a great mat wrestler who can brawl with the best of them. JBL is a great brawler who can do some wrestling. These men could have a good and unique match that would be competitive, believable and fun to watch. (And probably extremely stiff as well!) But the WWE gives us JBL versus Rey. Why? Why? Why?

And how is JBL planning to "make history"? Lose in the opening match, announce his retirement immediately after the match and go join Jim Ross as the new color commentator for Smackdown? Given the shocking news of Taz leaving the WWE, that seems the most likely option. But it could be anything, I guess. I just wish we had a better match to go along with the announcement.

Let's move on to the "Title Unification Lumberjack Match" between the World Tag Team Champions, The Miz & John Morrison versus The WWE Tag Team Champions, Carlito and Primo Colon. This will probably be a good match, but wouldn't it have more appeal if we hadn't already seen it a dozen times on TV over the past two months. Maybe it's just me, but even though the match will be good, and it has a historical feel to it with the unification of the two tag team titles, it still feels kind of blah and stale.

I blame the booking and build leading up to this match for that. Rather than have the Colons and Team Dirt Sheet wrestle every other week and fight over twin wannabe Diva's, wouldn't it have made more sense to have both teams avoid each other. Just have each of them dominate their title defenses and establish their strength as a team and as Champions. Allow one of the commentators or interviewers to bring up the other champs and plant the seed as to who is the better team.

And then we could have had a war of words and one-upping going on for a few months. Miz & Morrison beat The Edgeheads one week. Carlito and Primo do it the next and do it two minutes faster. Lots of trading insults and promos instead of the numerous matches and just keeping up the build towards this match. Make it something to anticipate and look forward to rather than just another Miz & Morrison match versus the Colons. It'll be a good match,but even the best of steaks get boring and tired after you've had them every night for a month.

As for the whole "Lumberjack" stipulation, it's just a way to get everyone on the card so they get a Wrestlemania paycheck. I understand that, but wouldn't a quick multi-man tag match or even a pre-show Battle Royal (for the Wrestlemania dark match) serve the same purpose. It'd give the guys a payday, but save the whole "Lumberjack" stipulation for a different match to be used in a different manner. Such as..

Chris Jericho versus The Legends (RIck Steamboat, Jimmy Snuka & Roddy Piper) w/ Ric Flair in their corner. Let's be honest. After such a great start and build, with Jericho having some great moments and promos with Steamboat, Flair, Piper, Snuka, etc., this match has fizzled down into a big bowl of crap.

We have Chris Jericho in the ring against one guy with a fake hip, one guy with a bad back who can't take bumps, and one guy who can barely walk. And the one man who's in the best "wrestling shape" and might actually be able to have a good match with Jericho, is standing outside the ring in a manager's role. It's not going to be pretty, folks.

That why I suggested a few weeks ago that this match be a "Legend's Lumberjack Match" with Jericho facing a chosen representative for the legends. The obvious choice was Hulk Hogan, but Hulk allegedly had some kind of back surgery and can't perform. I say "allegedly" because where Hogan is concerned, anything he claims has to be taken with a grain of salt.

The WWE let it out on Monday night, with Michael Cole just casually mentioning that the stipulation is that Jericho has to pin all three legends. That just prolongs the agony and suffering. The most ideal way for the WWE to get all of their "legends" out there for a big pop and appearance would be to just have Jericho face one person.

Since Flair can't wrestle due to his retirement (don't want to screw up the importance and legacy of that moment!) and Hogan can't do it, I would have had Jerry "The King" Lawler act as the representative of the Legends group. Lawler has never wrestled on a Wrestlemania event yet and he deserves that chance before he retires.

Lawler and Jericho could have a "by the book" match as they did on RAW on Monday night, but having the legends surround the ring as "Lumberjacks" and get in all of their spots. Add names like Sgt. Slaughter, Dusty Rhodes, Honky Tonk Man, Greg Valentine, Arn Anderson, Kevin Von Erich and possibly even the Funks since they'll be there for the Hall of Fame anyhow, to the mix and basically, watch Jericho get his ass handed to him again and again. It would work and get over big time and couldn't help but be far better than this three on one match they have booked now.

Another things that bothers me about this match is I remember the Steamboat - Snuka matches in the early 80's in the Mid-Atlantic region. I remember the Piper - Snuka matches in tne NWA and then later in the WWF. And I remember very vividly the matches that Flair had time and time again with all three men. Yet, these four men are on the same team and united? Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka, especially, should NEVER be on the same team. NEVER!

What's left? The twenty-five Diva Battle Royal to crown the first ever "Miss Wrestlemania". Lord help us all! Tiffany and Eve get to wrestle at a Wrestlemania. Stop my beating heart! I like the concept and since several old and familiar faces, such as Tammy Sytch, Molly Holly, Jackie Gayda, Victoria and probably Trish Stratus are going to be part of the event, it probably won't totally suck.

But by my count, there are still a few spots open, so where the hell is Lisa "Ivory" Moretti. I'm still undecided about buying the show at this point, but if they tell me that Ivory is going to be competing in the Battle Royal, I'll go order it right now and be waiting.

I'd still rather see a WWE Women's Championship match with Beth Phoenix taking on Victoria (WWE really dropped the ball on that idea and ended up with two women holding the Women's and Diva's Championship instead that no one gives a damn about). But this is the fluff and filler T&A part of the show and at least it's not Kat and Harvey Whippleman wrestling in a pool full of mud or jello. So I'd probably leave this match alone and as is.

The last match of the eight scheduled is the "Money In The Bank" match.
The wrestlers listed for this match are CM Punk, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, Shelton Benjamin, Christian, Finlay and MVP. It's an eclectic mix and should be a good match. But let's be honest. Does anyone truly think that Kofi Kingston belongs in this match? So replace him with Rey Mysterio, who's a far better fit for this type of match.

And to be honest, I'd take out MVP, the current WWE United States Champion and give him a singles match - a title defense against Finlay, who I'd also remove from this match. I'd have Finlay win a mini battle royal or something to earn the shot against MVP. It would be another solid and good match that would also give the U.S. title a little more credibility.

But that slight booking change leaves two spots in the "Money In The Bank" match open. The first, I'd fill with Cody Rhodes. He's a good worker and deserves more than just standing behind Randy Orton all night at the biggest show of the year.

As for the other spot, I'd put Mike Knox. He's another big man with an aura of unpredictability about him that could fit well in a match like "MITB" so far as a chance to show his skills and make an impression.
So those are the changes I'd like to make. Just a few very slight alterations to the card that I feel would make a big difference in adding some excitement and anticipation to what is supposed to be the "Super Bowl" of professional wrestling. Think about it. Look at these cards.

The Current Matches for Wrestlemania 25...

WWE Championship Match: Triple H (c) versus Randy Orton

World Championship Match - Triple Threat Rules: Edge (c) versus The Big Show versus John Cena

Tag Team Title Unification - Lumberjack Rules: WWE Tag Team Champions Primo & Carlito versus World Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz

The Undertaker versus "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels

Chris Jericho versus RIck Steamboat, Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka (with Ric Flair at ringside)

Extreme Rules: Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy

Twenty-Five Diva Battle Royal to crown "Miss Wrestlemania".

Intercontinental Championship: JBL (c) versus Rey Mysterio

Money In The Bank Ladder Match: CM Punk versus Christian versus Finlay versus Kofi Kingston versus Mark Henry versus Kane versus MVP versus Shelton Benjamin.

OR

My Matches for Wrestlemania 25...

WWE Championship: Triple H (c) versus Randy Orton

World Championship Match - Fatal 4-Way: Edge (c) versus John Cena versus Big Show versus Jack Swagger

Tag Team Title Unification: WWE Tag Team Champions Carlito & Primo versus World Tag Team Champions John Morrison & The Miz

The Undertaker versus "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels

Extreme Rules: Matt Hardy versus Jeff Hardy

Intercontinental Championship Match: JBL (c) versus William Regal

United States Championship: MVP (c) versus Finlay w/ Hornswoggle

25 Diva Battle Royal to crown "Miss Wrestlemania"

Legend's Lumberjack Match: Chris Jericho versus Jerry "The King" Lawler (Ric Flair, Roddy Piper, Rick Steamboat, Jimmy Snuka, Arn Anderson, Sgt. Slaughter, The Honky Tonk Man, Greg Valentine, Terry Funk, Dory Funk and Kevin Von Erich are the lumberjacks!)

Money In The Bank: CM Punk vs. Kane vs. Mark Henry vs. Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Mike Knox.

Just a few slight alterations, but which card would you rather watch? I know which one I'd pick.

Anyhow, I may order Wrestlemania 25 or I might not. I'll probably wait until just minutes before the PPV begins to decide for sure. But if this show has more than 700,000 buys world-wide, I'll be surprised. There just isn't anything about it that really stands out or makes it seem special and a "can't miss" production. And that's just sad. Very sad indeed.

That's it for me tonight. I'll be back in a day or so with my predictions for the 25th Annual (even though it's only the 24th actual show) presentation of the WWE's biggest show ever. So look for that. And I'll have a major announcement coming up as well. If JBL can have one at Wrestlemania 25, then I can have one too. So there you go.

I'm Doug and I'm out of here for now. I guess my "six minutes" are up.
Go read my latest work of fiction - "WWE Match Game 2009" at this link:

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendId=33851449&blogId=480231199.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

Until the next time, "dat is all de' people need to know!" Always be a fan and I'll see you on the flip side.

Ubuntu.

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