September 18, 2005
by: Doug Maynard
Guess who's back? Yeah, I know! Just call me the Terry Funk of wrestling columnists. Less than two weeks ago, I retired "Tossing Salt" after 150 glorious editions, citing "burn out", "no time" and several other things as reasons.
Well, I thought about it... and I'm not ready to call it quits yet. "Tossing Salt" was a great thing, but it really seemed to be getting stale towards the end and it was time for a change. And this is it! The old saying is that every person will end up having 15 minutes of fame. After "TS", I figure I've still got a little time left to exploit. How much time? I don't know. How about "Six Minutes" worth?
Plus I missed ya'll! How's that for some sappy sentiment? The worst thing is, it's 100% true! I love talking to fellow wrestling fans from around the world. And meeting wrestlers. And getting into shows free. "TS" opened up a lot of doors for me. But "TS" ran it's course. And "Six Minutes" is just getting started. And anything can.. and will happen!
So here's the deal. "TS" stays retired. This column is back and will be weekly. Here's a message to my editors. If you go more than 7 days without receiving a new column to post, stay on me. Don't let me procrastinate. I work better under pressure so keep nagging me. And I'll produce results. Belee' dat! Hear that, Paps? Hear that, Jen? I just need a little extra motivation sometimes, and a good kick in the tail is sometimes all it takes.
Now, I've got a column to piece together. Let's take care of the legalities and what nots here:
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in this column are mine and mine alone. Don't get mad at the websites or Yahoo. It's not their fault! It's just little ol' me! And I still say, "Vote for Pedro!"
I've got PPV predictions. A few random thoughts. Some armchair booking for the WWE. The return of the "Who Am I?" thingee. And a few quotes. A classic in the making. Or maybe not! We'll see! Let's jump right into the thick of things.
Tonight, the WWE presents their annual RAW PPV - "Unforgiven"... It's a pretty tight card from top to bottom. And me and Paps have a few predictions to make. Here goes!
SHELTON BENJAMIN versus KERWIN WHITE
I don't like Chavo's new gimmick. Playing on the race card is something that has no place in today's wrestling event. But when you take away the lame character of Kerwin White, you have a fantastic wrestler who is probably one of the all around best in the WWE today. And on the other side of the ring, you have Shelton, who is an amazing performer in his own right that the WWE just can't decide what to do with. The premise behind this match sucks. But both men are among the best in the business and this will be a fantastic match to watch. Shelton needs to get a win, but I think that Chavit... I mean Kerwin, will cheat and win. Just because he's "White" now doesn't mean he's forgotten how to lie, cheat and steal. Or win. Look for K.W. to pick up a tainted win after using the golf club or a hanger or something.
Winner: The White guy with the spanish accent.
Babs says, "Absolutely!"
WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
THE HURRICANE & ROSEY versus TREVOR MURDOCH & LANCE CADE
Now is not a good time to be named after a destructive force of nature. The only thing that would make it worse is if "Sugar Shane" was to show up on RAW singing "Walking On Sunshine".. Think about it! Now, go ahead and groan! Cade and Murdoch look like a solid team with a real, deliberate old-school feel about them. Although he's no relation to the legendary "Captain Redneck" Dick Murdoch, Trevor could easily pass for Dickie's illegitimate son. Oops! I'd better shut up. I can see the WWE "Creative Teams" taking notes right now! They're a good team with a big future. And it all starts tonight as the suerheroes get put out to pasture by the redneck and the cowboy.
Winners and new champions: Cade & Murdoch
Babs says, "No Way!". (She loves the guy with the green hair!)
STEEL CAGE MATCH
EDGE (with Lita) versus MATT "NEVER SAY DIE" HARDY
If Matt doesn't win tonight, he may as well say "die' cause his career in the WWE is pretty much finished and it's a one-way trip to Sunday Night Heatsville for the former Sensei of Mattitude. This story has so much potential and the WWE writers are just crapping on it all over the place. Edge doesn't need to win. he has the "Money In the Bank" thing going on and can regain any momentum he's lost by just saying two words. "Title shot!" I think the WWE plans to drag this thing out as long as they can, so I expect they'll even the PPV series tonight as Matt gets the victory.
Winner: Matt Hardy
Babs says, "Not sure. Ask again!"
TRISH & ASHLEY versus TORRIE WILSON, VICTORIA & CANDICE MICHELLE
Time for the bathroom break. I enjoy watching Trish and Victoria wrestle, but with Candice, Torrie and Ashley added to the mix, I smell train wreck. Look for a lot of fluff and flesh as Trish and Victoria carry the bulk of the match. As for who wins, I expect to see the Trio of Vanity take the nod over the champ and the Wannewbie Diva.
Winners: Torrie, Victoria & Candice
Babs says, "No way!"
What about the Matt versus Edge match, Babs?
Babs says, "Hopefully so!"
CARLITO (c) versus "THE NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR
My favorite new guy in the WWE (less than 2 years counts as new to me) versus the greatest wrestler of all time, the "Nature Boy". Ric doesn't need to be wrestling, but he can still go and on any given night, outperform 85% of the wrestlers in the WWE today. Carlito rarley wrestles, prefering to do "Carlito's Cabana" most of the time instead, and be an instigator. Carlito will have his day again very soon. He's part of the future of the WWE and I expect that in just a few short years, he'll be in the main event picture regularly and competing for the World title. But for now, it's time to take a step back and give the "dirtiest player" one more moment of glory. Ric has never been an Intercontinental champion. So why not let the man make a little history. Ric Flair styles and profiles tonight as he takes home IC gold! Wooooooo!
Winner: Space Mountain
Babs says, "Absolutely!"
THE BIG SHOW versus GENE SNITSKY
Kidneys feeling full again? It's time for the second bathroom break of the night. I like Big Show, and I like Snitsky, but this match does nothing at all for me. On paper, this looks like it might be a good match to see. What am I saying? On paper and in reality, it's gonna suck. I don't know who's going to win.. and I don't care. Just flip a coin for this one. The coin says "Tails" so that means the freakizoid with the foot fetish.
Babs says, "No Way!"
"THE HEARTBREAK KID" SHAWN MICHAELS versus "THE MASTERPIECE" CHRIS MASTERS
I hope Shawn's back is fully healed from carrying Hogan through the match at SummerSlam because he's going to have to do it again. I like Chris Masters. The arrogance is growing on me and I can see him actually getting better in the ring. A lot of folks compare Masters to Lex Luger, which is a fair comparison at this point. But Luger was not really all that bad in his early days. He was no Ric Flair or Barry Windham, but he could pull his own weight in most matches and played to his strengths while working around his weaknesses. Masters is still a young man and has a great look and good talking skills. He's getting better in the ring and seems to have a great attitude backstage. He knows his limitations and if he follows Shawn's lead tonight, the match should turn out to be pretty good. But that being said, HBK was nice enough to put over the balding blonde immortal at the last PPV. Two PPV losses in a row wouldn't be good for HBK. Look for a DQ finish as HBK gets the win, but doesn't get the "win".. if you know what I mean!
Winner by DQ: Shawn Michaels
Babs says, "Hopefully so!"
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
JOHN CENA (c) versus KURT ANGLE
I hate that belt and I don't like Cena. I guess it would be fair to say that I'm not a big part of the "Chain Gang". But even I have to admit that Cena has come quite a ways from his debut on Smackdown as couple of years ago. Who did he wrestle back then? I think it was Kurt Angle. What goes around comes around. Kurt has been on fire as of late and has definitely been the "star player" on RAW each week since he was drafted a couple of months ago. No one can touch him right now. So this match is really up in the air. Cena has the album out and a movie coming up (The Marine), so the WWE would like to keep the gold on him as long as possible. But Kurt really has the momentum right now. Hard decision, but I gotta go with the Olympic Gold Medalist. It's true! It's true!
Winner and new Champion: Kurt Angle
Babs says, "Absolutely!"
Wrestler Mike Youngblood, fresh from a long stay in Puerto Rico and the WWC, is now accepting bookings for Indy shows throughout the Mid-Atlantic region. For more information, contact me at Doug28352@yahoo.com.
RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT WRESTLING AND OTHER STUFF....
Wouldn't it be funny if "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry was to return and be teamed with Viscera? They could be called "The Humpty Humps!"
Shane Helms singing "Walking On Sunshine"... Come on! You know that's funny!
Triple H returns to RAW and finds out that Ric is wearing gold around his waist. I wonder if he's the jeaous type?
Lisa Moretti has been informed by the WWE that she can no longer use the name "Ivory" when she wrestles. That's OK. She can just use the nickname that I've been calling her for the past couple of years, "Beloved"...
Boy, am I glad that neither the Six Minutes or "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News" names are based on anything owned by the WWE? I'd hate to wake up to a "cease and desist order" in my mailbox from the WWE's lawyers. Doug E. Fresh might have a case though. Nah! Maybe not!
Marilyn Manson is just weird enough that he would fit in well in the world of professional wrestler. Actually he might be too weird, if such a thing is possible.
Johnny Ace and Animal have another brother that wrestles in Japan. How long do you think it will be before he gets hired by the WWE?
Samoa Joe said that part of the reason he signed with TNA instead of the WWE is because of how the WWE seemed to look down on his body-type and wanted him more defined. Using the WWE's current standards for what a wrestler should look like, just think of all the great wrestling legends that would never have made it and been turned away at the door: Dusty Rhodes, Dick Murdoch, Afa & Sika - The Samoans, Buddy Rose, Jay Youngblood, Wahoo McDaniel, Harley Race, Ric Flair, Bruiser, Crusher, etc... Roughly 80 % of the wrestlers who peformed in the 70's and 80s would never stand a chance in today's WWE because they don't look like bodybuilders. That's not a good reflection of which direction the WWE is headed.
Is Chris Jericho's band really named after the joke-telling bear from the Muppet Show? Does that mean that Road Warrior Animal is actually a rip-off of the Muppet's drummer?
I would love to see "Dirty" Doug Gilbert make it to the WWE or TNA one day and become a household name. He never will, but he's a fantastic talent and much underrated. Given the opportunity, he could be one of the best.
I'd still love to see the Disco Inferno show up at a WWE PPV and interrupt Vince McMahon by coming to the ring and insisting that the only reason people are buying a WWE PPV is to see the Disco Inferno dance. The look on Vince's face would be priceless.
Speaking of Disco, does anyone know anything about the whereabouts of his former "Dancing Fool" partner, Alex Wright? After WCW closed down, he just seemed to vanish.
Miss "Go-Daddy" Candice Michelle is going to appear in Playboy! Wow! What a thrill! I saw some of the pics. (Thanks Bess!) And I'm not impressed. Give me my beloved anytime! I'd spring for a Stacy Keibler or Trish centerfold too. Now that would be news worth talking about!
And for the ladies, we can send Juvi, Christian and Matt Hardy to Playgirl. We've gotta be fair here. And I'd spring for those issues too!
I talked to a girl I used to date a long time ago last night. We broke up because she was insane. And psycho. Last night was the first time I've seen her in about three years. Guess what? She's still nuts! Worse than ever! We almost got married, but she made the mistake of giving me an untimatum - my friends or her. Good to see I made the right choice.
The greatest wrestling cliques of all time, in my opinion, in no particular order, are:
The Natural Born Thrillers
The J.O.B. Squad
Skandor Akbar's "Devastation Inc"
Bobby Heenan's "Family"
and of course,
the greatest of all time, "The Four Horsemen"
I'd love to see a feud between DX and The Horsemen. With talk of an upcoming feud between Ric Flair and HHH, the groundwork is there. Here's is what I'd like to see.
HHH returns and is jealous of the success that fan-favorite and new Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair has been having since he's been away. He gets into the ear of Flair's frequent tag partner, HBK and Shawn does a heel turn on Flair to rejoin HHH. X-Pac returns to the WWE as has been rumoured and it's DX - back together again. Ric tries to battle them for a few weeks on his own, but realizes that he needs allies. Together with old friend (and current WWE Road Agent) Arn Anderson, Ric sets out to draft some new recruits. And they need a name, so why not stick with the tried and true "Four Horsemen". And there you have it. A super feud that will draw fans and create excitement, while at the same time, it keeps HHH out of the World title picture and allows John Cena to continue to build his reputation as the WWE Champion in feuds with Kurt Angle, Carlito and others. Everyone wins.
The only question that remains is who would be the new "Horsemen"? Have Flair show up on SmackDown to attempt to recruit Chris Benoit back to RAW and the Horsemen. Have him shown talking to current WWE Road Agent Dean Malenko. Build the suspense and get the people to wondering who will Flair and Arn recruit. And then finally, in an ambush of HHH and HBK, we find out who the new members of the most elite grouping in wrestling are. Based on the current RAW roster, I would pick Rob Conway, Shane Helms (dropping the "Hurricane" gimmick), and Chris Masters. All of these men have tons of potential, but just need that extra something to take it to the next level. A run as a member of Ric Flair's personal strike force, in a feud with DX, would do it nicely. Let Arn act as the spokesperson for the group. He's one of the best all-time talkers in the business and is being wasted behind the scenes. Let him use his talents and star-power to help get the new kids over as their "manager".
Think about it? A Horseman versus DX feud to get us through the holidays leading up to Wrestlemania? Sounds like a great Christmas present to me.
Go check out my friends, Brian Adams and Bryan Clark at their website, the largest wrestler-owned website on the internet today, at www.totally-kronik.com. The site is great and getting better all the time. And remember, it's all about Kronik! 'Nuff said!
CLASSIC QUOTES FROM BOBBY "THE BRAIN" HEENAN
Tony Schiavane: "Scott Hall is looking a little better this week."
Bobby Heenan: "It's only Monday."
(Talking about Chris Jericho)
Lee Marshall: "He is an ego maniac."
Bobby Heenan: "But he's good at it!"
Lee Marshall: "Good observation Brain."
Bobby Heenan: "That's why I'm called the Brain. And that's why I'm here on the Brain Station, TBS."
(Talking about Raven)
Bobby Heenan: "I wonder what his childhood was like: was he from wealthy parents, was he neglected, or whas he spoiled?
Tony Schiavone: "Who cares?"
Heenan: "I do!"
Bobby Heenan: "Some nights the Villanos sit around the fire with popcorn and their masks on."
Tony Schiavone: "I hate you!"
(Talking about Alex Wright)
"His mother told me when he was eight months onl he sat up in his crib and said 'Headlock.' "
(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"The job is only half done. If they want to shrink his head, they already shrunk his haircut."
(Talking about Yokozuna on the day before Thanksgiving)
"505 pounds and maybe more after tomorrow."
"Thyere is good news and bad news about Reys shirt, The bad news is the shirt don't fit him, the good news is all the luchadores are moving in"
"There trying to say he he just put the figure three on him self."
"If it wasn't for Mrs. Guerrero's chili they wouldn't have invented Rolaids."
Bobby Heenan: "That's not the first time he's been on the ground holding his stomach."
Tony Schiavone: "Huh?"
Bobby Heenan: "Obviously you've never had any of Mrs. Guerrero's chili."
WHO AM I?
Yeah, it's back! Remember how this is done? I give clues and you tell me who I'm talking about. And you get your name mentioned in the column so you can show off to all your friends. Doesn't that sound like fun? Here goes?
I'm a second generation wrestling superstar who has achieved much success in both WWE and TNA, some as a singles wrestler, but mostly as part of a team. I served as a soldier during Operation Desert Storm. My older brother portrayed a character that was a lame rip-off of my character for a short time. My family was often said to be under a curse. I'm considered one of the best talkers in the business I can play "Dixie" on my belly button. Who Am I?
And that's going to do it for now. I've got to go try to get a couple of hours sleep while I can. I have "Family Day" this afternoon and the PPV to watch tonight. Plus, I have to work 3rd shift tonight. Wow! What fun! If you know the answer to the "Who Am I?" or have any comments or questions, just drop me a line at Doug28352@yahoo.com. Yeah! Retirement sucked! I'm back and better than ever.
As Frank from the Rocky Horror Picture Show would say, "Don't dream it! Be it!" I'm outta here. Until the next time, I'm Doug. See ya!