Monday, October 24, 2011

Wanted (Dead Or Alive) - November 24, 2011

It's kind of a weird morning. Well, that's not true because it's a Monday morning and "weird" is par for course. If it was a good and lovely morning, being that it's on a Monday, then that would be weird. And all of that is beside the point anyhow since the weirdness, or whatever it's called, started last night. I just haven't really thought about addressing it until now, choosing to sleep a few hours first. So that's what I did. Went to bed with this on my mind, slept a few hours, had some very peculiar dreams and woke up. And now, here I am.

So what am I talking about, you ask?

A friend, who I have a great deal of respect and love in my heart for, made a post on Facebook concerning a mutual acquaintance of ours, saying that the person with whom we both know, is dead. And I'll be honest that when I saw that post, saying that "D" is dead, my heart stopped for a moment and a big wave of despair and remorse came over me. I'll explain more about that in a moment.

But quickly, I pulled myself together and did some checking. The allegedly dead person is currently in the custody of the Scotland County Sheriff's Department awaiting trial for several charges and although I know that our local jail is a shit-hole at best and absolute hell on the other days, people don't usually die up there. Well, actually there have been two people who have died while in custody over the past few years, but it was "natural causes", which is to say that the Sheriff's Dept. and the D.A. didn't want to waste their time with an actual investigation and are, at least in my opinion, covering their asses. But that's not what matters right now.

I checked on the computer and then made a phone call. "D", who is said to be dead, is currently well and good up at the jail. So that gives me two questions to ponder. Why would my friend post such a statement, knowing that it's not true? And what would I do if it was true?

As for the first question, I have not a clue. I know that my friend and "D" were tight for a while, but eventually went their seperate ways. My friend was injured after being struck by a vehicle and moved away to a different town, where he's been rehabbing his injuries and attempting to conquer his personal demons. By all accounts, he was doing well in his battle until very recently when he's backslided just a bit. I'm hoping that it's just a temporary setback and he's able to regain the lost ground, pull himself together and move on with his life. He's an awesome dude in so many ways and he deserves so much better than the cards he's been dealt. But he's played the hand and taken a few hits. Like I said, my prayers and hopes are that he'll make it back on track and be able to show everyone just how great a guy he truly is.

I'm thinking that the post last night might have been either expressing a desire (wishful thinking) taking into account how "D" used and tried to manipulate my friend. He did that with everyone, but some (my friend and I) felt it more than others. Or it may have been my friend noting that "D" is dead to him, indicating a full and total break from the madness that "D" brought with him. Or it could just be that someone told him that "D" was dead and, not having any way to confirm or deny, my friend just took it as fact and repeated it in his post so that all of us who also know "D" would know.

Only he knows for sure why he posted that statement and only he can explain it. So I'm not stressing that.

As for the second question as to what I would do if it was true, that's a little more complicated.

I first met "D" slightly over four years ago. If you've ever met someone and there was a instant connection there, that's what happened. And even though my better judgement was screaming against it, we starting hanging out together and became close. Very close. It wasn't long before I realized that he had major issues, but I didn't care for a long time. I could overlook the stupid remarks and the craziness, although it was nearly driving me crazy. I could do it because I had this big hole in my life. I was (and still am) in love with an amazing, beautiful person, but due to circumstances beyond both of our abilities to control, I can't be with him. So I found a substitute. And "D" was it.

It continued for a few years, with lots of other people coming into the picture (including the friend who's post started all of this - I met him through "D"), and lots of good times, lots of bad times and lots of absolute craziness. "D" took me for granted, used the hell out of me and was verbally abusive. And I just took it. I'd get pissed and would stay away from him for weeks or even months at a time, but he'd keep coming by and apologizing or just trying to do whatever he could so I'd be with him and take him back in my life. And usually, I'd give in after a while and he'd be on good behavior for a while and then the drug-use, the drinking, the verbal jabs, would start again. Wash - rinse - repeat. And so it went.

And finally, one night of just too much B.S. and I snapped. I just totally lost it and put him out of my car and out of my life. I could deal with much of the stuff, but he crossed the line one too many times and did the one thing I could never, ever live with. And just like that, he was gone. He came by here a couple of times after that to try and "talk to me", but I wasn't buying it. And finally, I told him to leave and do not come back on my property... ever. He did and to his credit, he never came back, although I did see him walking by several times after that, looking over towards the house to see if he could spot me. But he didn't see me and kept walking. After that last incident, I had decided that "D" was "dead to me". End of story.

But it wasn't. Not long after the last time I saw him walking by the house, I saw in the paper where he had been arrested. And more charges were added a couple of weeks later. He was in jail and that's where he's remained. But I still find myself looking over at his Mom's house when I go by there to see if I see him in the yard. And his phone number is still on my cell phone. I still have the cigar he gave me nearly four years ago when his baby daughter was born. And I keep an eye on things at the jail to make sure he's still there. I've even thought about writing him a few times, but those thoughts usually end before they can really get started.

It's obvious that despite my proclamation to myself that he's "dead to me", that I still miss and care for "D". I don't want him back in my day-to-day life. I can't live like I was and deal with the baggage he brings to the table. The only person I want to be with in a relationship is Cal, my soul-mate and better half, and one day, all of the barriers and B.S. will come to an end and that will happen. "D" was a strong and powerful force in my life and he helped me get through some tough times and learn more about myself than anyone else ever did before or since. I don't hate him and I'd love to see him get past his problems, conquer his demons and find that ever elusive path to happiness and contentment. And I hope that eventually, if our paths ever cross again, maybe we can shake hands, share a hug and then keep going our seperate directions.

I have every reason in the world to despise and hate this person. But I saw the good, buried beneath the layers of stupidity, craziness and bitterness at the world. And maybe one day, the world will be able to see it too. I wish him well in his future. It just can not and will not involve me.

And what if he really was dead? What if the claim was true? How would I feel? How would I react? I'd let out a heavy sigh, say a prayer for the guy and his family, and then bury it inside me and move on. Would it affect me? Probably. Would anyone ever get to see it and know about it? Nah, I don't think so. It's better that way.

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