Tossing Salt - Worldwide News: October 30, 2011

Tossing Salt - Worldwide News
October 30, 2011
Doug Maynard

It's Sunday morning and I'm Doug, but you already knew that, didn't you. And it's my destiny to become the next WWE Champion. No, not really. That schtick belongs to WWE Superstar Alberto Del Rio. I think my destiny involves a convenient store, third shift and a lot of bad attitudes. That sounds more realistic. But I can be the next person to WRITE about the WWE Champion and all other things wrestling. That is definitely in the realm of possibilities. But if I do that this morning, it means I won't have time to watch reruns of "The Waltons" on the televsion and I love my classic 1970's televison dramas. Wrestling or The Waltons? Hmmmm! I hate decisions. But the Walton's will always be there. So... Good night John Boy! Let's talk pro wrestling.

I'm and I'm repeating myself already. That doesn't bode well for this column, does it? This is professional wrestling's most eclectic column since 2003 (we've been around for a while), "Tossing Salt - Worldwide News". Ummm... so what can I talk about? Only two paragraphs into the column and I'm already drawing a blank. Yeppers, this is going to be a stinker of a column, but bear with me and I might manage to come up with some pertinent information and maybe even some entertainment over the next few minutes. Well, either I'll do that or I'll just ramble and rant and make obscure references. Lots of filler. It's the American way. No wonder we're so "loved" all over the world.

I guess I'll just conduct this column like TNA does a booking session for Impact. Throw all sorts of crap up against the wall and see what sticks. I only wish I had Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff here to help me out. No, I want to attract readers and be entertaining and not drive everyone way. I can do that quite fine by myself, thank you. Never mind though. I just thought of a few things to talk about. How about Barry Windham? And the Muppets tomorrow night on RAW? And since Halloween is tomorrow night, how about a "Movie Casting" of the most memorable and Halloweenish, television characters that I can think of, "The Addams Family", with WWE Superstars? Oh snap! I think we might actually have a column here after all. Let's do this...

Get Well Soon, Barry Windham...

I'd like to start off by sending best wishes and prayers out to former NWA Champion / Horseman Barry Windham, 50, who suffered a heart attack earlier this week at his home in Florida. From all reports I've read, Windham, who was easily one of the best second-generation wrestlers of all time and one of the most recognizable superstars of the 1980's and 1990's, suffered the heart attack at his home and was discovered by his former tag team partner and current brother in law Mike Rotundo, who quickly summoned medical help. Windham was in serious condition for a while, but according to his father, Blackjack Mulligan, is doing much better and is alert and stable. He's still in the hospital in Florida, but is expected, after a long rehabilitation, to make a full recovery. Please keep Barry and the entire Windham family in your prayers.

And now, let's get crazy.

Muppets on RAW!...

Tomorrow is Halloween. That means that people get to dress in strange outfits, act oddly and pretend that they don't know any better and have single digit IQ's. At least that's what I like to do. Halloween is my favorite holiday of the year. It's the one time of year where you don't have to crawl into stranger's vans to get free candy. Gotta love that. And in the world of professional wrestling, it means even weirder stuff than usual... like The Muppets!

Yes, you heard me correctly. The Muppets are scheduled to guest host Monday Night RAW. And this is going to be fun. I've heard others mention, and I've agreed, ever since the WWE started the whole "Guest Host" concept, that they were just turning into a violent, sports entertainment version of the Muppet Show. And I've also felt that the ultimate "guest hosts", besides Alice Cooper of course, would be the Muppets. And now, to promote their new movie coming out shortly, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Gonzo and the rest will be LIVE on RAW.

It's going to be interesting to see how they manage to have Kermit and Piggy "perform" in front of a live and rowdy 15,000 or so fans, but if anyone can do, the WWE and the Jim Henson people are the ones. I also expect that we'll see lots and lots of backstage segments. As to which WWE Superstars will be appearing with the Muppets, that's where the fun and games really start. I expect we'll see the two old men in the balcony doing comentary, probably during the Jim Ross versus Michael Cole segment, aka "The Michael Cole Challenge". From all reports, Hornswoggle has really pushing hard to be with the Muppets too and I expect we'll see some Hornswoggle / Animal interaction. Zack Ryder is just goofy enough that he'll probably be in a segment and I would expect the child-friendly John Cena to do a Muppet spot too. But who else?

I can picture CM Punk doing a segment too. Punk is just the type of guy who is probably a closet Muppet fan and has a stuffed Gonzo in his closet. Maybe Miz too. Can't you picture Miz and R-Truth arguing with the two old men? As long as they keep the segments short and (please) don't have the Muppets getting involved in matches, it's going to be a totally off the wall and fun show, probably from start to finish. Muppets Rock! Also, CM Punk will be taking on Mark Henry and that should be a good match well worth watching. But I'm there for the Muppets. It's Muppet-Mania going wild. And whatcha gonna do when Kermit, Piggy, Gonzo and Beeper run wild on you, brutha! And that's all I've got to say about that.

Did you know that Stacy Keibler, allegedly, is now getting $25,000 for personal appearances? She was only getting $10,000 per shot until she started dating George Clooney. Personally, I wouldn't pay anything just to have Stacy make an appearance. She's an attractive woman and all that, but take away the legs and what do you have? Nothing special in my eyes. Now if it was Ivory... or Juvi. Break out the checkbook because I would so be there. Just saying.

And if it's Hunter Holtzclaw... he so needs to get up with me. I will make the man a star!

Who Am I?...

I was going to do a "Who Am I?", but considering that the last time I did one, I had a grand total of ZERO guesses for what I thought was a very simple question. What the hell though. Let's try it one more time and if I don't get any responses to this one, I'll know that the readers have spoken and the "Who Am I?" will be retired forever. Does that sound like a plan or what? So here it is.

I began my career in Florida in 1991 where I was part of a tag team named after the scary parts of a storm, as well as a song by Miss Thang in the 80's. After the team ended, I became a part of WCW where my snake-like character (GI Joe hates me) was packaged as a former Gulf War veteran and I feuded with my former Drill Sergeant for a bit. And then I really made my mark imitating one of WCW's top stars, working both WCW and New Japan Pro Wrestling as a nWo affiliated icon until WCW folded in 2001. I continued to wrestle the Indy circuit in the Carolina's for several more years before leaving the business. I am now a project manager for the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine. It's showtime folks. Who am I?

Do yuo know who this is? Of course you do, but show me that you know. Send your answers to Doug28352@yahoo.com and help keep this segment alive. It's in your hands, like the fate of Jason Todd was in the old Batman comics. Jason died (and the Joker had a great laugh about it!) Will "Who Am I?" suffer the same fate? It's up to you. Let's move on.

Movie Casting...

A couple of days ago, I was watching "The Addams Family" movies on TV and it got me to thinking, what if the WWE decided to remake these movies for their WWE films division? Of course, it would be low budget (no budget) and probably be totally blasted by movie critics and fans of the old Addams Family series and movies too. But I'd love to see it. Anything Addams is good with me.

And with it being WWE Films, I'd cast wrestlers and WWE Superstars as the main characters. It'd work. It really would. So let's figure out who would be appropiate for each role.

Gomez Addams: With the slicked hair and the mischevious grin, CM Punk would be perfect for this role. Give him a pin-striped suit and a cigar and just picture it inyour head. He's got the look down pat and Punk is twisted just enough that he could pull the role off perfectly.

Morticia Addams: Let's go outside the WWE Universe for this one because the first person that came into my mind as being very Morticia-ish, in a 2011 sort of way, is former WWE Diva (and current TNA Knockout) Tara, who wrestled as Victoria in the WWE. She has the goth-styled look down to a tee and she carries around a spider. If that doesn't make her a natural for a role like Morticia, then nothing does.

Lurch: Kane would be great in this role, but I have an idea for him as someone else. Big Show has the size, but he just doesn't do it for me. Great Khali would be perfect for this role. It doesn't require many lines, but the person has to have a unique and large presence. And with Khali's chin and physique, not much make-up would be required. Khali sucks as a wrestler, but he's a scary looking dude. He definitely has "Lurch-appeal".

Uncle Fester: This one is hard. Who is a big person, but has that older, yet lovable, slightly crazy appeal to them. Big Show is too big. Brodus Clay might work here,as might Mark Henry. But the problem with that is I don't think Uncle Fester was ever a black man (although I do remember him being green a time or two), and also I can't really picture Mark Henry with a bald head. I was also thinking Jim Ross for some reason (and you know that Vince would love to make Ross shave his head and be humiliated), but Jim Ross still has too much self-respect and credibility left for this roll. Let's go with Brodus Clay.

Grandmama: No brainer here. Mae Young. 'Nuff said!

Wednesday: WWE would probably cast one of their "Barbie Doll Divas" like Kelly Kelly or Eve in this role, but I just can't see it. Not even with black hair dye and all of the goth clothing in the world. This would be a time to go outside the WWE Universe once more and maybe get the one token "serious actor" to help fill out the cast. I'd go with Sarah Gilbert, formerly of "Rosanne" and "Big Bang Theory" and currently one of the hosts of the boring, yet still on the air afternoon version of "The View", called "The Talk". Or just go to TNA and recruit Velvet Sky. She looks like she'd be fun to have around playing a character named after "Hump Day!".

Pugsley: Former WWE star Trevor Murdoch has the same shaped face as the original Pugsley character from the the old show and he's definitely pale enough to be a sunlight hating Addams, but how does a redneck play a goth? Dolph Ziggler would be good for this role, I guess, but he doesn't look right with dark hair. I've got it. The Miz as Pugsley Addams. Think about it. That would be... (wait for it)... AWESOME!

Cousin It: Hornswoggle with a long-haired outfit. He's the only one short enough to fit in the costume.

And then, to round out the cast after the main characters were figured out, I'd have a few extra (new) characters. As "Uncle Paul Addams", I'd have the legendary manager, Paul Bearer, along with his "sons", Mark and Kane make an appearance. Vickie Guerrero could appear as Bearer's "wife". R-Truth. Zack Ryder and Mick Foley could all make cameos as themselves because their characters are just abnormal enough to fit right in without any kind of tweaking. I'll also call up Charles White, aka "Papa Shango" and have him make a cameo as well.

Just think about it. The WWE (and friends) putting their own unique spin on The Addams Family. It'd be creepy and kooky and altogether spooky and be definitely what the world would be watching. I'd love to see it anyhow and I'm sure that everyone else in the WWE Universe would be entertained as well. And if you don't like this idea, well be glad that I didn't recast "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" with stars from the WWE Universe. I did actually think about it, but changed my mind. That would be weird.

And I guess that's enough rambling for me for now. Time to go watch "The Real World" and then some NFL Football. GO CAROLINA PANTHERS!!! Questions and comments can be sent to Doug28352@yahoo.com. Also, for all things Dougie, including all of my wrestling columns, short stories, random thoughts, editorials and any and everything else you can think of, go visit my blog page at www.tsfiction.blogspot.com. There is all sorts of stuff for everyone. Check it out.

I'm Doug and that's all for me today. Have a Happy Halloween. I'm down and I am gone. See ya!

Ubuntu!