OCTOBER 9, 2005
by Doug Maynard
Welcome to the Internet's most eclectic wrestling column ever.. the one and only Tossin... oooops! Wrong column. Let's try this again!
Six Minutes! Six Minutes! Six Minutes, Dougie Fresh and you're on....
It's wrestling's 2nd most eclectic wrestling column, the one and only "Six Minutes". I'm your MC, the notorious MC Dougie Maynard... Maynard. Yeah, I repeated my last name twice. I actually meant to do that. Why? Because this is "No Mercy" weekend. Did you know the WWE has a PPV this weekend? Nope? Me neither. I had forgotten all about it, but I remembered just in time. So that means predictions. Plus a whole lot more. Hang on because I intend on being all over the place today. It's Six Minutes and it is on!
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this column are mine and mine alone. Don't pass Go! Don't collect $200. And never forget, it's your duty to shake your booty!
I wasn't going to piece together a column today. After looking at things realistically, I know I'm not going to have time to do a full column. I just got off working a 10 hour shift - I cooked for a couple of hours (today is Family Day so we do the cook-out / get together thingee) - and I have a lunch date with someone I've been seeing off and on later this afternoon after the family thingee... Plus I'm supposed to go out tonight to another cookout with my neighbors - they're trying to fix me up with someone else. And in between all of this, I need to get a couple of hours of sleep. And the PPV is on tonight too, so I have to make sure to be here to order that and set the VCR to record it (manually - my VCR is a piece of crap and the timer doesn't work correctly!) Two cookouts - a lunch date, the family thing, a PPV and some small bits of sleep sandwiched in between. No - there definitely won't be a column written today. But I'll still do the predictions and I promise, cross my heart and hope to double date with Ivory and Juvi - there will be a new "Six Minutes" column up within the next couple of days. So look for it!
Oh hell, this will be my column! PPV predictions, a few cheap plugs, a story from work and some quotes. And a new "Who Am I?" Who could ask for anything more.
NO MERCY PPV PREDICTIONS...
I was going to have my toy associate, Babs accompany me and add her two cents, but she's been missing for a few days. So has my Ric Flair action figure. Hmmm! Coincidence? I doubt it! Even the toy Ric Flair is stylin' and profilin'.... And Babs - well, she may be a toy, but I guess she still likes to take a ride on Space Mountain! Woooooooooo!
Enough babbling! Time for the PPV predictions for WWE No Mercy.. Here goes...
Since Babs is currently MIA - joining me to help out with the predictions is my lucky Silver Dollar. I'll flip it for each match - and see who it picks as the winner. Doesn't this sound like fun? OK - maybe not! But you can't blame me for trying.
HARDCORE HOLLY versus KEN KENNEDY... KENNEDY
Does anyone remember the last time that Holly won a PPV match? Or even wrestled on a PPV? Nope? Me neither. Mr. Kennedy... Kennedy is one of the best new talents in the WWE and has a big future ahead of him. His gimmick is way over and he has the skills necessary to back up the gimmick, which is an added bonus. Holly is a tough S.O.B. and I have no doubt that he'll chop Kennedy's... Kennedy's chest to death before all is said and done. This match will be tough and it should be somewhat entertaining. And the former "Sparky Plugg" will have his lights turned out by Smackdown's newest superstar - Ken Kennedy... Kennedy!
Winner: Ken Kennedy... Kennedy...
Flip the coin: Heads for Holly and Tails for Kennedy.. Kennedy. The coin says: Ken Kennedy... Kennedy
SIMON DEAN versus BOBBY LASHLEY
When was the last time Simon Dean won a PPV match? Or even wrestled on a PPV? Nope! I can't remember either! I love Simon's gimmick and he's hilarious on the mic. But this Bobby Lashley is just plain impressive. He's the WWE's version of Monty Brown without the Pooouunncccee!! He doesn't need it! The Simon System crashes tonight at the PPV. And Simon Dean aka Super Nova will never, eeevveeerr be the same, again! (Big shout out to Y2J - wherever he is. Fozzy rocks, but Jericho needs to be in the ring with the WWE! Belee' dat!)
Winner: Bobby Lashley
Flip the coin. Heads for Simon and Tails for Lashley. The coin says... Simon Dean.
THE LEGION OF DOOM (ANIMAL & HEIDENREICH) & CHRISTY HEMME versus MNM (JOEY MERCURY & JOHNNY NITRO) & MELINA
It's time to pull the plug on this failed Legion of Doom experiment and put the tag titles back on a team that can really perform in the ring. If not MNM, then how about ANYONE else. Animal hasn't gotten any better since his return to the ring and Heidenreich has never been much of a performer. The most talented performer on their team is Christy Hemme, and I wouldn't call much of what she does "wrestling" either. This match is going to be a stinkeroo! Nitro and Mercury are good, but they don't have the ability to carry Animal and Heidy to a good match. I don't think there's anyone on SmackDown that can work with those two clowns and get a four or five star match out of it. It's pretty much just go out there and try not to stink too bad.. or get hurt. By all rights, MNM deserves the titles and deserves a big push. Animal needs to go back to retirement and take Heidy with him. But life sucks and this is the WWE - so the champs and Christy will win. The future gets clotheslined by the "glass ceiling" of the WWE and we see even more of the Legion of Disgrace for several months to come.
Winners: Animal, Heidenreich and Christy Hemme...
Flip the coin: Heads for the LOD and Tails for MNM. The coin says: MNM and Melina.
REY MYSTERIO versus JBL
There's a big size difference between the two that will be hard for Rey to overcome. I know! He's beaten big men before, but this is a tough, New York based Texan. This is a wrestling god! If you don't believe him, just ask him! If JBL is ready to work and sell, this could actually end up being a decent match. Rey is coming off a hot angle with Eddie Guerrero. JBL just finished a successful run as the WWE champion. It's really too tight to call. I'll go with JBL as the winner, just because we have mutual interests. We both like to drink beer.
Flip the coin: Heads for Rey Mysterio and Tails for JBL (cause he's an assh*le! - LMAO!) The coin says... JBL
CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
NUNZIO (c) ... (with Big Vito) versus JUVENTUD GUERRERA (with Psicosis & Super Crazy - The Mexicools)
Gotta go with the Juice! No explanations needed. It's Juvi! He's not just Mexican.... He's Mexi-Cool! And he leaves "No Mercy" tonight as the new WWE Cruiserweight Champion of the World! And you know what? That's cool! No! That's Mexicool!
Winner: Juventud "The Juice" Guerrera
Flip the coin: Heads for Nunzio and Tails for Juvi. The coin says....Nunzio.
HANDICAP CASKET MATCH
THE UNDERTAKER versus RANDY ORTON & "COWBOY" BOB ORTON
Haven't they finished this yet? Gosh! Look for Roddy Piper and Mick Foley to get involved. After this past Monday and Friday, how can they stay out of it? Foley will help out the Undertaker. Piper will do a heel turn and re-team with his former running mate and tag partner, Bob "Ace" Orton. The Undertaker never wins these gimmick matches. Never! And he won't start tonight!
Winners: The Ortons
Flip the coin: Heads for The Undertaker and Tails for The Ortons (cause they're a couple of assclo.. I already used that joke! Sorry!) The coin says: Randy Orton and "Cowboy" Bob Orton
FATAL 4-WAY FOR THE UNITED STATES CHAMPIONSHIP
CHRIS BENOIT (C) versus BOOKER T (with Sharmell) versus ORLANDO JORDON versus CHRISTIAN....
Look for chaos to reign supreme. I feel I can safely say that Orlando will not win this match. But the other three guys? Who knows? Booker has too much baggage with the yack at ringside, so I'll take him out of the running. That leaves the two Chris's... Benoit and "Ian". Hmmm! Tough choice! Let the push resume as Captain Charisma wins gold and begins his path to eventually becoming the World Champion. At least, I hope that eventually happens. Benoit doesn't need the title. Christian doesn't either, but the "Peeps" would like to see their leader wear some gold! And so it shall be!
Winner: Captain Charisma - aka Christian
Flip the coin - three times for this match. Heads is Benoit and Tails is Booker. The coin picks Benoit. 2nd flip. Heads is Orlando and Tails is Christian. The coin says: Christian. Final flip - Heads is Benoit and Tails is Christian. The coin says the winner will be...Chris Benoit
BATISTA versus EDDIE GUERRERO
The big power wrestler versus the speed and finesse of the smaller man. Dave is big and tough, but Eddie is the better wrestler, by far. I love the way this storyline has been built up. But what's the old cliche for Dave... "with friends like these??" Look for a fast paced and strangely enough, clean match tonight. I expect Eddie to play by the rules and earn his 'friend's" respect and trust. It'll do the job as Eddie and Dave become buddies. But it won't win Eddie any gold because Batista is just too much animal for him. Eddie will dominate most of the match, but his "friend" will take home the victory and retain the gold.
Winner and still champ: Batista
Flip the coin: Heads for Dave and Tails for Eddie. The coin says: Batista
So, those are my predictions for the PPV tonight. WWE No Mercy! If you get the chance, check it out. I'll watch my tape in the AM, but the card is strong and it should be pretty decent.
Much thanks to Harold for this link. Check it out... It's funny and very addicting. It's "Bowling For Cats!" Have fun! Http://www.bravozulu.com/content/released/lets_play.swf.
Now.. I began to write a column yesterday morning, but I was distracted by my friend and we went out to do a little fishing. Well, drowning worms actually. My dedication to this column thing is just overwhelming, right? But I had some excitement at work that I wanted to talk about and did manage to get that typed up. So here it is...
TRUE LIFE STORIES FROM CONVENIENT STORE HELL!
Last night, I was at work, ringing up my customers as always. Typical Friday night. The store is packed and customers are lined up back to the fountain drink machines. I'm ringing them up and moving them out as quickly as I can. A young lady, and I use that term loosely, got to the register and asked for "a soft box of Newports"... OK, so I got the pack of smokes and asked for an ID. She said, "I don't got no ID!" So I told her I can't sell her the cigarettes. Sorry about that. And start to move to the next customer. She starts screaming that I'm "racist". I won't sell her the cigarettes because she's black. I simply said that I need to see some ID - that's my job! Then she called me a "racist, redneck cracker!". Geez! Who sounds like the racist here? I ignored her and went about my business, taking care of my customers. She came back a few minutes later and came up to the counter, cutting in front of everyone and slammed her ID on the counter. I told her very quickly that she needs to get in line like everyone else. That really set her off. Here she goes again with the mouth about how I'm "racist' and a "redneck". She gave the money to a friend of hers that was standing in line. Her friend tried to buy the cigarettes for her, but I refused the sale. I told her to get back in line - and I'm not making this sale. So they both started that I was "racist" because I wouldn't allow the woman to cut back in line or let her have her friend pay for her stuff ahead of everyone else. I finally just quit what I was doing and said, "Yeah, I'm racist! I don't like loudmouth idiots!" I refused to ring up either of their purchases and they left the store, cussing me like two sailors the entire time they were headed out the door. I'm expecting a phone call to my manager at any time now. But she just laughed about it and told me how proud she was that I didn't lose my temper and cuss them out. The moral of this story? Nothing! I just thought I'd tell it! I really LOVE my job!
Happy Belated Birthday to a very dear friend and special person - Russ Cherico.
QUOTABLE QUOTES... PART I
(After Bobby Heenan made up the word houtakarana)
Schiavone: " It's very hard to houtakarana yourself, Huh?"
Heenan: "Especially on the weekends."
Heenan:"You know when I get booed and jeered I feel right at home."
Schiavone:"You've felt that all your life."
Tony Schiavone: "Look at that T-Shirt."
Bobby Heenan: "Goldberg the man."
Tony Schiavone: "No, Jericho the Schmoe!"
Bobby Heenan: "Mikey's getting mad out there."
Tony Schiavone: "That would be the Mikey in the ring and not our broadcast colleague
Kronik has moved... Go check out the NEW Kronik website at http://www.kronikwrestling.com. The site gets better and better each and every day. Plus there are some items up for auction by Bryan Clark (Wrath, Adam Bomb) that would be great for any wrestling fan, including the jacket he wore to the ring as Wrath in WCW. Go check it out!
Speaking of Kronik, Brian Adams recently did a great interview with Steve Gerweck over at www.Gerweck.com. I listened to the interview on the Gerweck Hotline and it was awesome. Brian talks about his health, his characters in the WWF, The Undertaker, the Kronik name, the nWo and his run in WCW, and so much more. And it looks more and more likely every day that we may eventually see the return of Brian Adams and Bryan Clark to the ring. That will indeed be a great thing if it comes to pass. If you have the time, call the Gerweck Hotline at 1-773-572-6302 and listen to this interview. The call is free except for ordinary long distance charges. It's well worth it so check it out.Remember, it's all about Kronik!
Now, I've talked about two men I like and have a great deal of respect for. And on the other side of the spectrum is a man I have little use or regards for. Yep, it's gotta be....
Let's cut to the chase and say it like it is. This man is a nutcase! He's looney! He's a few cards short of a full deck! He's off his rocker! Warrior (who legally goes by that name - whassup wit dat?) is a man in his own little world. His two latest rants are proof positive that the man is out there in a galaxy far, far away.
I was going to make an effort and translate his rantings about the WWE DVD in a column. That was my intentions. I figured that if any person can take what the Warrior says and translate it into layman's English, I would be the one who could do it. After all, I took two years of Spanish and Latin in high school. My best friends during my college days were Japanese. I hear and translate drunkeniese, Ebonics, rap, redneck, damn Yankee, "good ol' boy", and ear-piercing shrieks every night at work. I used to be involved with a very sexy Mexican for a time, so I understand some Mexican as well. And I had a great one-night stand a few years ago with an guy who was half-Italian/half Puerto-Rican and from Long Island, NY. I understand all of these variations of language. So translating the Warrior should be a breeze, right?
WRONG! I got through one paragraph and realized that no one can speak for the Warrior. No one can quite understand what the hell he's talking about. What's the old cliche about "I hear ya talking, but there's nothing coming through?" That's the Warrior. All I can really say about the Warrior is that he made a lasting impression in the ring and his match against Hulk Hogan is one of the greatest Wrestlemania matches of all time. Warrior should just keep his mouth shut and enjoy the fruits of his legacy, because every time he opens his mouth these days, he just destroys his own credibility more and more and trashes his own place in history even more and more.
Warrior is a bigot and a homophobe. He's an egomaniac and, in my opinion, a sorry piece of trash. Just his comments alone about Droz, (referring to him as "the cripple") were enough to make me lose any grain of respect I may have once held for this person. He's entitled to his opinions. I'll give him that. But in that same sense, I'm entitled to call him an assclown! Belee' dat! Geez! Now, I've forgotten what the whole purpose of this rant was.
Heck, it doesn't matter. Go to his site at http://www.ultimatewarrior.com. Make up your own minds about the sanity of this legendary "Warrior".. I'm through talking about him!
WHO AM I?
Only one correct response to the last "Who Am I?' - which was the long-time voice of Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling, the one and only Bob Caudle. The one person who answered correctly was: "BAMA BOY" CHAD BURTTRAM... Congrats to you, my friend for a job well done! Here's the newbie...
I made my debut in WCW as a jobber on the syndicated B-shows before being teamed up with an "above average" wrestler to form a team called "The Re-Enforcers" I later debuted as a new character on WCW Monday Nitro as a man with a flair for fashion and the name of a fruit. Who Am I?
This is easy, so give it a shot! Send your answers to me at Doug28352@yahoo.com.
QUOTABLE QUOTES... Part II
"I don't trust Cactus Jack and I don't trust Jake Roberts, and i doubt if they trust each other!"
~ Missy Hyatt - January, 1993 ~
"It's your duty to shake your booty!"
~ Disco Inferno ~
"I'm so strong I can twist an elephant's head clean off it's neck and throw it clear to Nigeria."
~ Hulk Hogan - 1980 ~
You know what? That's it. I'm through for the day. It's time for a nap before we do the family thing. And I do need all the beauty sleep I can get. Third shift is killing me! Ha! Go check out my blog, The Salt Palace, at http://saltpalace.blogspot.com and discover the insanity that is my world. Questions and comments - send them to Doug@thewrestlingheadquarters.com or Doug28352@yahoo.com.
I'm Doug and "dat is all de' people need to know!' See ya next time!