by Doug Maynard
Yo, Dougie... kick it one time, boy!
Guess who's back and kickin' it live - it's "Fresh -
Fresh Baby!" Just call me Vanilla Dougie!
Time is a valuable commodity, and just like money, I
don't have all that much, but I decided to sit myself
down and see if I could find a little time to devote
to the second most eclectic wrestling column in the
universe. How much time?? How about "Six Minutes!"
That sound like a plan.
So what's on the agenda? The conclusion to "The
Contest". A look at Brock Lesnar, Amy Weber,
Victoria, and Stone Cold Steve Austin and the recent
headlines involving these fine ladies and gentlemen.
Some predictions for the upcoming TNA PPV "Against All
Odds" - the first ever wrestling PPV named after a
Phil Collins song. And a few other things as well.
Does that sound like a plan? Sho' nuff, my friends.
DISCLAIMER: I say what I want when I want to say it.
The views and opinions expressed here are just that,
my views and opinions and not necessarily shared by
anyone else, although truthfully, we all know I'm
right... except when I'm not. Belee' dat!
I want to send a shout out to one of the best writers/
creative minds I've ever met - Mr. Brent Robinson - up
in CT. Brent is celebrating his birthday tomorrow
(2/10) and I want to dedicate this column to my
friend. If it wasn't for Brent and the inspiration
and confidence he's had in me over the years, I doubt
there ever would have been a "Tossing Salt" or "Six
Minutes". He's a great guy and a true friend. Thank
you Brent, for everything. You are "The Man" -
believe that! I hope your birthday is a great one -
have a cold one or twenty on me. I love ya, my friend
& miss ya much! Happy Birthday.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You end
every statement with a loud "Woooo!"
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You keep
telling overweight people that they need to try the
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You're
wondering why HHH hasn't received an Oscar nomination
for his role in Blade 3.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... Coach,
Todd Grisham and Maria are your idea of serious
First of all, American Championship Wrestling is
coming to my hometown, Laurinburg, NC - on Saturday,
February 26, 2005. So far, I haven't been able to get
any kind of confirmation on who will be appearing, but
I know for sure that my bud, Ethan Storm (a grizzled 9
year veteran of the NC Indy scene) - will be working
that show. This man can really perform, and is worth
the price of admission by himself. Well, maybe not by
himself, but give him an opponent, and you've got a
fantastic in-ring wrestler and a great wrestling
match. Anyhow, I'll have more details coming up on
the event as the date approaches, plus I will have a
comprehensive in-depth report of the show immediately
following the show (after the post-show party, of
course..) Provided we can work out the details, look
for an exclusive Wrestling HQ interview with Mr. Storm
coming up very soon, and hopefully with several other
top ACW stars.
So what's up? Where should I start? How about former
WWE Champion / NFL reject Brock Lesnar. Brock has
filed a lawsuit against the WWE, complaining that the
"no-compete" clause he signed to get out of his
original WWE contract is unfair, and is keeping him
from making a living. I'll keep this short and sweet.
Brock is a good wrestler. He would be a welcome
addition to return to the WWE roster at some time in
the future, just because of his in-ring presence and
what he brings to the table. But if it wasn't for the
WWE, he would be just another big, nameless nobody. A
former college "star" faded off into obscurity. The
WWE made Brock Lesnar a star. But he wasn't happy,
and quit the company, after a very strong push, in
order to attempt to chase his dreams. That's cool -
more power to him for that. But in order to get out
of his legally binding contract with the WWE, he
knowingly and willingly signed a contract with a long
extension on the no-compete clause. He knew the terms
when he signed the contract. And now that the WWE
isn't ready to make him a big star again, and seems
reluctant to commit to dealing with him, he's trying
to get out of the deal he so eagerly signed. Get over
it, Brock. You read the contract and signed it
willingly. If there were any objections, you
shouldn't have agreed in the first place. You made
your bed. Just suck it up, and sleep in it. I have
no sympathy for Brock in this case. If he quits the
whining, the WWE will eventually give in and put his
butt to work. But until then, he just needs to know
his role and shut his mouth. 'Nuff said!
Amy Weber is allegedly gone from the WWE after some
heated ribbing by the boys during the recent WWE trip
to Japan. And I say, Amy who? Is she anyone?
Yaaaaawwwnnnn! One wannabe down, and several more to
go. She's a nice looking lady, but she has a past,
and if she can't deal with a little ribbing, she sure
as hell doesn't belong in professional wrestling. The
best way to deal with any kind of jokester is to just
play it off - "yeah, you got me... ha!" - but she got
in a snit and bought a plane ticket, heading home.
Very mature way of handling things. Good riddance.
Stone Cold Steve Austin recently filed a big-time
lawsuit against his former ex-girlfriend, Tess for
allegedly sticking a gun in his mouth, and various
other charges. Tess, if you remember correctly,
stabbed Austin's lawyer/ friend, when Austin tried to
give her a big money payoff to hit the road. This
woman is nuts... pure and simple. It'll be
interesting to see how this all plays out. I'd love
to get Steve Austin and Sean Waltman together sometime
and listen to them compare notes on
psycho-girlfriends. That would be a conversation
worth hearing. Belee' dat!
I was a bit shocked to see Victoria on Raw this past
Monday night. She's a fantastic performer and belongs
on Raw every Monday night, but still... she was part
of a fashion show thingee with Wannabe Announcer
Maria, and Diva Search Winner Christy Hemme. How the
mighty have fallen. But then Simon Dean came to the
ring and insulted all three ladies, as well as MC
Jerry Lawler. And Victoria just takes it... standing
there like an dumb cow. A year ago, "Psycho Victoria"
would have been all over Simon like stank on Mark
Henry, but now, she has no bite and is just there.
The most sickening thing is, with Simon rattling off
insults to Lawler and Victoria, it took Christy Hemme,
a non-wrestling Diva, to put him down. Lawler and
Victoria both came off looking like wimps. Lawler can
claim the "unbiased journalist" excuse, but for
Victoria, there is no excuse. A year ago, Victoria
wouldn't have been in a "fashion show", and would be
terrorizing Christy and Maria - and kicking ass,
ruling the WWE Diva Division along with Trish. She
needs an image make-over, badly. Since turning
"face", she's just been wasted again and again. Bring
back Stevie Richards! Bring back the psycho-bitch!
Before too much damage is done and her career and
reputation is totally ruined.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You only
know of Pete Rose from his Wrestlemania appearances.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You
spend your grocery money to buy "shoot" tapes of Tommy
Young, Ole Anderson & Vampiro.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You
actually know who Tommy Young, Vampiro & Ole Anderson
TNA PPV PREDICTIONS - "AGAINST ALL ODDS"
Loved the song - hated the movie. How the PPV plays
out remains to be seen. The last couple of TNA PPV's
have been off the hook, and far better than one would
expect from the Orlando-based promotion. The weekly
shows (Impact! and Xplosion) still leave a lot to
desire, in my opinion, but TNA is making it's mark on
the world of wrestling. I expect this Sunday's PPV
will be no different and will be a fantastic show.
Here are my predictions:
NWA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
JEFF JARRETT (c) VS "BIG SEXY" KEVIN NASH
I don't really this this will be a pretty match -
given who's involved, but it will be an old-school
style brawl. Kevin Nash is limited these days in what
he can do in the ring, but when you stand 6'10, you
don't have to do all that much anyhow. Jeff's a good
wrestler, but he's pretty much one-dimensional these
days as well. Jarrett needs to drop the gold belt,
but I really don't think this will be the show it
happens on. It's too soon, and it would be ending an
angle with legs too early to give the title to Kevin
yet! He'll end up with the belt eventually, but I
think this particular match will end up as a
no-contest with lots of run-ins and chaos, setting up
a gimmick match of some sort at the next PPV - and
then, Big Kev will bring home the gold.
My prediction: NO CONTEST - JARRETT RETAINS THE TITLE
NWA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
AMERICAS MOST WANTED versus KID KASH & CHRIS HOYT
This will be a fantastic match. Kash is a phenomenal
performer, and is a classic heel. Hoyt is just big.
This team reminds me so much of the HBK - Diesel team
in the WWF back in the day. And AMW - what can you
say about thse men? Probably the best regular tag
team in wrestling today, at least in WWE or TNA. This
match could be the show-stealer - or maybe not. But it
will be fast paced with a lot of great action. And in
the end, AMW keeps the gold by scoring a pin.
My prediction: AMW
FULL METAL MAYHEM - TABLES, LADDERS, CHAIRS, & CHAINS
JEFF HARDY versus ABYSS
Rainbow Brite is taking on Kane Lite. It'll be
brutal. I think pretty-boy Jeff is going to be
getting a whooping from the big monster as Abyss
powers his way to a convincing win and push towards
the NWA title picture.
My prediction: KANE LITE
RAVEN versus DUSTIN RHODES
Why is this match happening? What caused the grudge?
Who knows? Dusty's transvestite son takes on the
grunge-lord in what will be a brutal, yet compelling
match. Both of these guys can really work the mic and
the ring - and should be able to bring out the very
best in each other. It will be short, but fun.
My prediction: THE DRAG QUEEN COWBOY BETTER SAY THANK
YOU TO BOOKER DADDY FOR A BIG WIN.
MONTY BROWN & DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE versus "TEAM CANADA"
BOBBY ROODE & "THE BAD GUY" SCOTT HALL
Two rookies teamed with two of the most entertaining
veterans in the biz. Roode is a great up-and-coming
star, and can only improve even more be teaming with
the former Razor Ramon. Despite what anyone says
about Scott, the man is a good wrestler with a great
ring presence - he can really go. Monty is more power
than anything, but he's coming along, and if DD-Me
doesn't hog the spotlight too much, Monty should be
able to continue to improve and impress in this match.
A fun match that should have some great comedy spots
mixed in with the wrestling and brawling. I wish I
could say otherwise, but I think DD-Me and "The
Pouuuunnnceee" will end up with the win in the end.
My prediction: THE EGO & THE POOOUUNNCCEE
AJ STYLES (c) versus "FALLEN ANGEL" CHRISTOPHER
I can't remember, but isn't this supposed to be a
mini-Iron Man challenge match? Regardless, this will
be the match to watch, and should end up in the main
event, closing the show. After all, who would want to
try and follow this match? AJ & Daniels are both
exceptional performers and can do it all - fly,
wrestle, brawl...etc. It's really too hard to predict
a winner in this match - it really could easily go
either way. But I think it will be the "Fallen
Angel's" night as Daniels wins his first X-Division
My prediction: NEW CHAMP IN THE FALLEN ANGEL.
KAZARIAN & MICHAEL SHANE versus BG JAMES & Nascar
Driver JEFF HAMMOND
What the?? Why is a race car driver in the ring
wrestling? Well, at least it's not a late night talk
show host or Drew Carey...lol. I'm sure that TNA is
looking for some major publicity out of having Hammond
as part of the PPV - so he'll end up winning for his
team in a major travesty of a match.
My Predictions: THE ONE-TIME ROAD DOGG & MR. NASCAR
ELIX SKIPPER versus PETEY WILLIAMS
Lots of flying and lots of high spots. It'll be a
fantastic and fast paced match. Look for Coach
D'Amore to get involved quite often, as Skipper &
Williams try to steal the show from the "big matches".
No matter who wins, this will be a helluva match.
My prediction: ONE MORE FOR THE "CANADIAN DESTROYER"
And that's the PPV, "TNA: AGAINST ALL ODDS" coming up
this Sunday. It's a packed show, and should be good.
If you get the chance, check it out.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You
consider the Rolling Stones, Aerosmith, and Motley
Crue lightweights compared to the rocking sounds of
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You
think Austin, Texas was named after "Stone Cold" Steve
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... the
first words out of your new baby's mouth is "crossface
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... You hear
someone talk about T & A and you immediately think of
Test and Albert.
And now, "THE CONTEST"...
As you recall, I started a story a few weeks ago
involving Chris Jericho and Vince McMahon. I asked
for you folks out there to put on your thinking caps
and try to finish the story for me. Well, so far I've
had an amazing "TWO" responses... and both are fellow
Wrestling HQ staffers. So I guess it comes down
between these two guys - "The Raven" Matt Rawle and
"Bama Boy" Chad Burttram. You've got one last chance
though - I'll post the info and start of the story
"Creative Differences" one more time... and you have
until Sunday, February 13 to try and come up with an
ending for the story. And on Monday, February 14, I
will post a special edition of "Tossing Salt" with
nothing but the stories I've received so far. So hop
to it. Here's the info and stuff.
THE STORY - A NEW CONTEST
As most of you know, I like to write. Duh! Or else
why would I be cluttering up your mailboxes so often.
I write these columns, show recaps, parodies, and
stories. And every so often, I'll start on something,
but never really have in click where I can come up
with a good finish. That's the case now. Below is
the start of a story I was writing called "Creative
Differences" featuring Chris Jericho and Vince
McMahon. I started on this way back in September, and
as you'll read, I didn't get far. So here's the deal.
I want YOU to finish the story. Put your creative hat
on and taking what I've already started, move it along
and wrap it up. I want to see what you folks come up
So here's the deal. Based on what I've written, go
for it. Write your own middle and ending. I'll print
every single story you send me in future editions of
"Tossing Salt" and "Six Minutes" unless you tell me
not to. No flaming or XXX-stuff please. And every
entry will be voted on by the readers of "TS" and "6M"
and the winning story will receive a wrestling-related
prize of some sorts. How does that grab you? I'm not
sure exactly what it will be yet - but it will be
something cool. So break out the thinking caps and
get those creative juices flowing. I've given you the
start. Now you come up with the finish. Come on now
- chop! chop!..
(Inside an office in WWE Titan Towers. Vince McMahon
is talking to Chris Jericho)
Vince McMahon: "I suppose you're wondering why I
called you here today. Well, I've got a little
problem and you're going to help me with it!"
Chris Jericho: "Save it Junior! This is my day off.
I had a band practice with Fozzy to attend. I don't
have time for a lot of whining and crying about your
Vince: "Who the hell do you think you are. My
problems are your problems, Jericho! You work for me!
Remember that! Or maybe you'd prefer to not be
working at all?"
Jericho: "Save the speech, McMahon. What do you
Vince: "Well Chris, as you know, there have been a
few problems with the creative teams as of late!"
Jericho: "Yeah, they suck!"
Vince: "You're on thin ice, Jericho! Can I
Y2J: "Sure thing, Vince!"
Vince: "Well, early this morning, the whole Raw
creative team came to my office and they had some
demands! Can you believe that? They had demands for
me! For Vince McMahon!"
Y2J: "What kind of demands?"
Vince: "Some kind of garbage about fair pay,
compensation for long hours, benefits!"
Y2J: "What did you tell them?"
Vince: "I asked them who the hell they think they are.
I'm Vince McMahon and I've given them the opportunity
to work for me, to work for the WWE. And they want
benefits and fair pay! Dammit! They should be paying
me to be allowed to work here.
Y2J: "And how did they take that?"
Vince: "Well, they stammered and hemmed and hawed.
Then they threatened to walk out. Can you believe
that? Walk out on me? Vince McMahon?
Y2J: "No way, Junior!
Vince: "That is! You're right! So you know what I
said to all those ungrateful pieces of trash?"
Vince: "I lined them up, looked each of them straight
in the eye and said, 'YOU'RE FIRED!!!".
Y2J: "You fired them all? The whole writing team?"
Vince: "You're damn right!"
Y2J: "Vince, I hate to break it to you, but we've got
a show on Monday to do!"
Vince: "I know!"
Y2J: "And a pay-per-view coming up in a few weeks!"
Vince: "I know!"
Y2J: "So what are you going to do... and why did you
call me? Unless....?"
Vince: "You're going to lead my new writing team!"
Y2J: "What the...? I'm not a writer! Are you crazy,
McMahon? What about Stephanie? What about HHH? What
about Jim Ross?"
Vince: "Stephanie and HHH asked for the weekend off.
I don't want to disturb them!"
Y2J: "But Steph is the head writer. Wouldn't this
count as an emergency?"
Vince: "My princess was feeling stressed. She and
Hunter are taking a weekend cruise to Alaska!"
Vince: "Something about polar bears and seals. Don't
ask! Besides, you didn't think Steph actually did any
writing or anything creative, did you?"
Y2J: "Now that you mention it, the only place I've
ever heard about Steph being creative was in the
Vince: "Hold on a second, dammit! That's my
Y2J: " I know Vince, but she's also a dirty, filthy,
nasty, skanky bottom feeding trashbag ho!"
Vince: "I know, I know! But she's still a McMahon
dammit! Treat her with respect!"
Y2J: Back to the problem at hand, Vinny-roo! About
this writing stuff? I've never done it! What about
Jim Ross? Or Johnny Ace? Or why not bring over some
of the guys from the SmackDown team?"
Vince: Every idea that Ross comes up with has
something to do with Steve Williams and BBQ Sauce. I
think that hat is on way too tight! As for Ace, do
you really think I'll trust my company to one of the
Y2J: "You trusted it to Vince Russo!"
Vince: "Russo? I wonder if he's available? No, he's
doing that TNA garbage with
Y2J: "You've just been waiting for an opportunity to
use that line, haven't you Vince?"
Vince: "Was it that obvious?"
Y2J: "Damn skippy, Junior! But what about the
SmackDown writers? Can't you use them?"
Vince: "Do you watch SmackDown? Have you watched the
Y2J: "I don't have that strong a stomach! It's
gotten pretty bad!"
Vince: "Exactly! Those idiots have already screwed
up one show with their inept writing and moronic story
lines! I don't need them screwing up Raw too!"
Y2J: "Especially by making Bradshaw the WWE champion.
What kind of an idiot came up with that idea?"
Vince: "That was my idea and storyline, Jericho!"
Y2J: "Like I said, only an idiot would not like that
idea. Bradshaw is awesome!"
Vince: "I know what you said, Chris! The point is,
Jericho, that I don't have anyone else right now! I
need a writing team in place today to get the scripts
ready for Raw on Monday night!"
Y2J: "But you still haven't answered, Vince. Why
Vince: "Because you're a creative guy! We give you
crap every week and you still manage to get over with
the fans. You've got a good mind for the business.
You even made the Diva search somewhat entertaining.
And its not like you're doing anything right now
Y2J: "But I'm not a writer!"
Vince: "You're what I say you are. I say you're a
writer - then you're a writer. I won't force you
Vince: "But if you don't do me this little favor, I
assure you.. no, I guaran-damn-tee you that you will
never receive another push again for so long as you
work for the WWE. I'll have you jobbing every week to
Funaki and Orlando Jordon. Do I make myself clear?"
Y2J: "So it's do it, or I'm totally screwed!"
Vince: "Exactly! And it will be your own fault!
Jericho screwed Jericho! So, are you going to head up
this writing team for me?"
Y2J: "I don't think I have a choice!"
Vince: "You're right! You don't!"
Y2J: "All right then, I'll do it!"
Vince: "But don't worry. This will only be for
temporary. And you'll have help."
Y2J: "How temporary and who is the help?"
Vince: "Linda has gone to talk to the writers I
fired. She hopes to have them back here by the end of
Y2J: "So it's just for today?"
Y2J: "And who will be writing these fairy tales with
Vince: "I would but I've got a lunch date with some
guys from Hollywood about a movie starring Triple H
and Mae Young starring in a remake of "Throw Mama From
Y2J: "That movie sucked!"
Vince: "It was all in the casting. With Hunter and
Mae in the lead roles, it's an Oscar for sure!"
Y2J: "Sure Vince, sure! So who will be working with
me to work on the scripts for this weeks Raw?"
Vince: "I had my secretary, Joanie, make a few phone
calls to a few legendary WWE Superstars who I felt
might be willing to help."
Vince: "You'll see. They'll be here shortly. Go
into the office and get ready and when your help gets
here, I'll have Joanie send them up!"
Y2J: "But you still haven't told me who?"
Vince: "Trust me! You'll have a great time with
these legends. Just have faith, Jericho! (Vince
grins!) Trust me!
Y2J: "I have a bad feeling about this!"
Vince: "Don't worry about it Jericho! Just trust
(to be continued...by YOU!)
So put those creative hats on... and let's see what
you can do. Come up with an ending, and send it to me
at either of my e-mail addresses at the bottom of the
column. You know you want to do it, so come on -
let's do it!
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... you call
up the local grocery store to see if they're having a
sale on "Juvi-Juice".
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... you want
your wedding to be just like Kane & Lita's.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLING WHEN... you rent
the DVD "Remember the Titans" thinking it's a
documentary on the early years of the WWE.
YOU KNOW YOU WATCH TOO MUCH WRESTLNG WHEN... you
decorate your house and yard every year to celebrate
And that'll do it for me today. Send me your stories.
Send me ideas to perk up the column. Send me your
comments and questions. Send me a video of "1 Night
In China" starring X-Pac & Joanie Laurer. I want it
all... and I want it now. Drop me a line at either
Doug28352@yahoo.com. I'm Doug and I'm outta here.
Word life! See ya!