Alone - 12/17/11
"What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? So lend me your ears and I'll sing you my song. I'll try not to sing out of key!" The Beatles wrote those lyrics so many years ago and Joe Cocker took the song and made it even better with his delivery and magic. And it's way true for most of us. We do get by with a little help from our friends.
But what do you do when you don't have any friends left? "A ridiculous thought", you might say, but it happens. Life takes it's various twists and turns and changes occur - people come and people go and then you wake up and wonder what happened? Where did everyone go? It's a bad and horiffic feeling. It rips out the soul and the heart and leaves a person feeling vacant and hollow and empty inside. And even though I know better, it's the feeling I feel quite so often. It's the feeling that I'm feeling right now. It's a charade. It's not real. It's simply a by-product of an over-active imagination that's reflecting quite too hard on the less than ideal circumstances of life as I know it. And the feelings, the negativity, the hurt will all be gone with the morning's light, as it often has before. But then why does it hurt so badly?
I often joke about it and make fun. I'm not a "people person" by the standards of most and my feelings of doubt and insecurities keep me from allowing myself to be part of many groups or even from allowing most people to get too close. I've always been this way and as the years go by, it's getting worse and worse. I have a very select group of people that are allowed through the walls and into my inner sanctum. And why is that? Because I'm scared that they won't like what they see? That they might judge and find me not up to their standards? Because I'm embarassed by the shape I've allowed my life to fall into? Because getting to know people takes time and effort and I'm too lazy to put forth that energy? Why ask why?
I could put forth a thousand theories, but in the end, it's always the same. I'm here and I'm alone. I have some good friends and that's the truth. But they each have their own lives and families and can't spare the time for any extra. Or else they've moved away and the long miles have nullified the support that I used to be able to draw from this. I think that's the core of my problem. I open up and start to let people in and get to caring for them and appreciating them and loving them and then something happens. Either they show true colors that they were only here for the party and when I wasn't able to "buy" their friendship, it was time to move on. Or they went on with their lives and marriage, school, families and the road they travelled took them far away. Maybe they got fed up and tired of dealing with my insecurities and self-esteem issues and are employing the "tough love" to draw me out and make me open up and let down the walls. Or maybe they just vanish forever, without notice and without warning, going from a strong and consistent presence to just a memory? It's all happened and the final results are the same.
I'm alone. Always and forever alone.
You know, my intentions for this morning were to wake up (at 4:00am) and come in here and write a long and funny blog about a series of things that I witnessed on TV and over the course of the day yesterday. I even took notes and pre-wrote a couple of quips to include in the rambling feature. And then I go to bed relatively early (for me), wake up after a very strange dream, the memories of which are fleeting, but the negative and bad feelings remain strong and powerful. And I come into this room to write. And look what the hell comes out?
I'm probably just bi-polar? Either that or it's male menopause? I'm not sure, but it's pretty damn bad. I need to quit being such a negative nellie. My life may not be ideal, but I do have a few powerful and strong good people in my life. I've got responsibilities that I enjoy and allow me to help others and give back. I've got a man who loves me and even though circumstances prevent us from being together, I know that the love is real and strong, as are my feelings for him. I've got friends that are far away physically, but alll I have to do is pick up a phone or send an e-mail and give them the slightest opening and they'd be here for me. I've got it all.
Yet these feelings still persist. And I'm fighting back the tears even as I write this. Why me? Why me?
I guess I'll quit the one man pity-party for now. I'm going to go take a walk and clear my head for a little while. I've still got a "funny" blog to attempt to write because this one sure as hell isn't going to cut the mustard. I need to quit whining and get my shit together, both inside and out. Blah! I'm taking a walk. So where are my shoes at. I'll be back.