California Governor's Debate - August 18, 2003
Candidates for Governor Debate In California..
Sacramento (DP) .. Five of the leading candidates in the recall election for the Governorship of California recently participated in a non-televised debate. World Wrestling Entertainment personality Brother Love served as the moderator for this open forum and asked the candidates a series of tough questions. Here is a transcript of the exciting event..
Brother Love: Hello, brothers and sisters and welcome to the Brother Love show. I loooovvve you! What we have here is a debate. A debate by several men, who want to be the Governor of California. Yes! A state known for it's love! Let me introduce the candidates for this honored position who have agreed to be part of our debate.. First of all, he is the Terminator! He is married to a Kennedy and he knows about about bodybuilding and muscles. It's Brother Terminator, Arnold Schwartznegger.
Arnold: Dah! How are you, Brutuh Luv?
Love: Yes! Yes! Moving on, we have the TV from the seventies, the star of Different Strokes, it's Brother Gary Coleman!
Gary: Whatchu talking about, Brother Love?
Brother Love: Moving to the next person wanting to be Governor, we have the publisher of Hustler Magazine, Larry Flynt.
(Flynt nods to the people!)
Brother Love: And now, we have the Ringmaster of the Highlight Reel, the first ever undisputed World Champion, Brother Chris Jericho..
Jericho: Welcome to California is Jericho...
Brother Love: And finally, standing over there, standing in for Cruz Spumante is comedian Sister Joan Rivers.
Joan: He would have been here tonite, but he had a yeast infection.
Love: Yes, Joan, yes! Well, all of you people want to be the Governor of California. Why?, I ask, why?. do you think you're qualified to be the top official in the nation's largest state.. Tell me why? You start, Brother Coleman..
Gary: Whatchu talking about, Brother Love?
Love: Yes! Yes! How about you, Brother Terminator..
Arnold: Dat was just a movie. I tink I would be a good guvener for de state of Californya!
Brother Love: But you aren't saying why you're qualified, Brother Conan!
Arnold: Dah! Conan was good movie. I make many good movies - bring Hollywood business into state, dah!
Jericho: Hollyweird is already in California, you overgrown jack-ass!
Arnold: Dah!
Love: Brother Jericho, please wait your turn to answer a question.
Jericho: Why? Arnold is a moron - Coleman is a brain-dead midget..
Gary: Whatchu talkin' about, Jericho?
Y2J: Flynt and I are the only ones here with half a clue as to what's going on..
Brother Love: Yes! Brother Jericho - I feel your pain... Please tell us why you want to be the Governor of California!
Y2J: Because I'm a bad mama-jama! I'm a larger than life, living legend and the king of the world. I was the first ever, undisputed World champion, and beat both the Rock and Steve Austin by myself, in one night.. Why do I want to be the Governor of California. Because I can! That's why?
Love: Testify, Brother Jericho. Testify!
Jericho: Shut the hell up, you assclown..
Arnold: Dah!
Brother Love: Moving along, Brother Flynt, why do you want to be the Governor of California.. What qualifications do you bring to the table?
Flynt: Governor hell! I just want to pick up women to be in my magazine. Plus this is good publicity for Hustler.. You don't know how many women have contacted me wanting to be a centerfold..
Joan Rivers: I was asked to be a centerfold once - for Mechanics Illustrated.
Flynt: I just want the women!
Rivers; My body is falling so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
Love: Sister Joan, what are you babbling about?
Rivers: I have no sex appeal.. Some people have sex appeal. Elizabeth Taylor.. Is she sexy or what? I think she's fat..
Gary: Whatchu talking about, Rivers?
Y2J: I may as well ask - how fat is she?
Rivers: I think she's fat.. I say this with love, we're very close - she's a pig.. I take her to McDonalds to sit and watch her eat and watch the numbers change. She has more chins than a chinese phonebook. I asked what she wanted on her hotdog - she said a hamburger.. This woman is fat..
Arnold: Dah! How fat she is!
Y2J: Jackass!
Rivers: She wears a stretch afghan.. She puts mayonnaise on an aspirin. She's the only person I know who stands in front of a microwave and screams 'Hurry!'.......
Love: Are you done, Sister Joan?
Rivers: I have nothing else, but I will be at the Comedy Club in Billings, Montana on the 18th and 19th..
Jericho: Billings? We wrestled a house show there last year. That town sucks!
Arnold: Dah! I had a layover in a plane flight there. Was really bad!
Rivers: I went to a fashion show there once. No models - they just held open the catalogues and pointed.
Gary: Whatchu talking about, woman?
Brother Love: People, we are getting off the subject.. What about the Governorship of California?
Rivers: And I was doing a show there once, and I looked down in the audience, right thee in the front row was a woman nursing a child.. I thought I would die..
Jericho: So what? Women nurse their babies all the time..
Rivers: But who would you watch? Me or the nursing mother? Who would you watch? The kid was fourteen years old! Who would you watch? Turns out it wasn't hers, thank God!
Flynt: You don't have that woman's number, do you? I could use her for a spread in Hustler..
Brother Love: We've gotten off track here and are about to run out of time.. What about the Governor's race in California.. Closing comments, brothers and sisters - please!
Arnold: Dah! Vote for me! If you don't, den I'll be back!
Jericho: These are a bunch of loser and assclowns. On Sunday night, at Summer Slam, I will once again become the Champion of the World.. And vote for me in October too! Plus, Fozzy has a new CD coming out soon. Look for it at a record store near you?
Gary: Whatchu all talking about?
Flynt: Read Hustler magazine.. Vote for me! Fight censorship..
Rivers: Can we talk?
Brother Love: Not now, Sister Joan. We are out of time. People of California, vote in the upcoming recall election and remember.. I looooovvvvvvvveeeeee you!..
*****
So, as you can tell, it was a spirited debate, but not much was answered. Who will be the next Governor of California. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.. Take care all..
-Doug
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