Shake Up At The White House - August 14, 2003
President Bush Replaces Entire Cabinet With Wrestlers
by Douglas Maynard
Washington, DC (DP).. A shake-up which could have far reaching implications all across the world today, as President Bush announced today that he is replacing his entire Presidential cabinet with prominent professional wrestlers.
"I have decided to replace my entire cabinet with a bunch of rasslers!", Bush was quoted as saying. Vice President Dick Cheney will remain in his spot as the number-two man in the nation, but the other appointments are expected to take effect immediately, pending Senate confirmation. The following appointments have been made, followed by the President's comments regarding each appointee.
Secretary of Agriculture - Ann M. Veneman will be replaced by Rob Van Dam
"I have it on good word that RVD knows all about growing agriculture!"
Secretary of the Interior - Gale Norton replaced by Rico
"He's promised to redecorate the whole interior of the White House!"
Secretary of Commerce - Don Evans replaced by Ted DiBiase
"WHo knows more about Commerce than the Million Dollar man?"
Secretary of Justice - John Ashcroft to be replaced by The Hurricane
"With his hurri-senses, he is all about truth, justice, and the American way.!"
Secretary of Defense: Donald Rumsfield to be replaced by Ron Simmons
"As a member of the APA, not to mention his all-American football career, no one knows more about Defense than Ron Simmons!"
Secretary of Labor - Elaine Chao to be replaced by Triple H
"Who is better at having job for the American people to do than Hunter?"
Secretary of Education - Rod Paige replaced by Al Snow
"After three Tough Enough's, plus trying to teach Coach how to announce each week, I knew Al was the right man for this job!"
Secretary of State - Colin Powell to be replaced by "Stone Cold" Steve Austin
"He's from my home state of Texas and he's a tough SOB! He'll do a great job!"
Secretary of Energy - Spencer Abraham to be replaced by Trish Stratus
"I don't know about energy, but I always get a charge every time she walks by! Heh! heh!."
Secretary of Transportation - Norman Mineta to be replaced by Big Show..
"He's so big, I've got to put him somewhere!"
Secretary of Health and Human Services - Tommy Thompson to be replaced by Molly Holly..
"Doesn't she just have that caring and nuturing look about her?"
Secretary of Treasury - John Snow (no relation to Al) will be replaced by Bradshaw.
"I read his book. Well, actually Cheney read it to me, and I told myself that this man knows about money. Why not put him in the Cabinet. Heh! Heh!"
Secretary of Homeland Security - Tom Ridge to be replaced by The Big Bossman.
"It's all about protecting and serving right?"
Secretary of Veterans Affairs - Anthony Principa to be replaced by Ric Flair.
"A true veteran and legend of the business and a great man to boot!"
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Mel Martinez to be replaced by Teddy Long
"Teddy has long been a factor in helping out the urban community - now he can just take his work to the next level!"
Chief of Staff - Andrew H. Card Jr. had been replaced by Christian.
"A great recomendation by my good friend, Jericho. I wanted him, but he has his heart set on running California. But he told me about Christian and I'm glad he did. I think he and the 'peeps' will do a great job running my staff!"
U.S. Trade Representative - Ambassador Robert B. Zoellick will be replaced by Eric Bischoff.
"As the head of WCW, and as the GM of RAW, Bischoff knows all about the fine art of trading, and will do a great job!"
Management and Budget Director: Joshua B. Bolten to be replaced by Goldberg.
" He doesn't give in on issues and knows about getting lots for next to nothing. Besides, who better on a budget than a big bald Jewish guy?"
Nationial Drug Control Policy Advisor: John Walters to be replaced by a joint committee consisting of Brian Christopher, The Road Dogg, and Jake Roberts.
"These gentleman assure me that they have a handle on the drug problems in America. Jake Roberts is an expert on the "crack" situation and I have the utmost faith in these guys. They assure me that they will work in closed room sessions with our Agriculture Secretary, RVD to investigate and personally handle every aspect of the drug situation in our nation!'
So. those are the new apointees to the United States Presidential Cabinet. Some interesting choices to be sure, but they can't do any worse than the ones in there right now. In the worlds of famed announcer Jim Ross, "I think the action is about to pick up, and it looks like a slobberknocker!".. So say we all, Jim.. So say we all..