WWE Hollyweird Squares - August 23, 2003
Another blatant rip-off of the game show industry by the WWE. Here's a look at a reworking of the classic "Hollywood Squares" television show - done my way - with wrestlers and wrestling personalities as the focal point rather than the usual morons and
contestants we usually are forced to watch.
WWE Hollyweird Squares
(A Vinnie Mac - In Your Pants Production)
Announcer: Welcome to the WWE Hollyweird Squares. Tonite, two legends of the wrestling world will match wits with our all-star WWE Superstar group of nine to raise money for their favorite charity. First - let's meet our WWE Superstars.. Bottom left - it's the voice of RAW - good old JR. The manager of champions, Teddy Long. The bodacious Sable. 16 times the World champion and the brains behind Evolution - Ric Flair, The current World Champion, Triple H, Ringmaster of the Highlight Reel, Chris Jericho, The General Manager of Smackdown, Stephanie McMahon, the baddest SOB in the WWE, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and finally, the current WWE champion, Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle.. I'm your announcer, Mean Gene Okerlund - and here is your host, back from WCW limbo, Tony Schiavone...
(Here's a visual aide to show how the superstars are seated!)
Kurt Angle * Stone Cold * Stephanie McMahon
* * *
Ric Flair Triple H Chris Jericho
* * *
Jim Ross Teddy Long Sable
Tony: Thank you Mean Gene, and Welcome to the WWE Hollyweird Squares. This is truly the greatest night in the history of spoerts entertainment, folks. We've got a big bunch of WWE superstars ready to go, so let's meet our two contestants. First of all - Mr. X is a legend in our business - a former WWE tag team champion and member of the WWE Hall of Fame, say hello to Jimmy "the Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant. Say hello, Boogie, and tell what charity you're playing for..
Valiant: Oooooh mercy! The Boogie man feels good, baby! Playing for charity. Gonna save them hogs and dogs and boogie all night long. Mercy, baby.
Tony: I don't understand a word you just said, but that's OK. It's good to see you Jimmy.
Valiant: You too baby,mercy..
Tony: And anyway, acting as Mr. O tonite is former World champion, Macho Man Randy Savage. What charity are you playing for, Randy..
Macho: Ooooooh yeaah!.. The macho man is what he is and that's all there is. Now can you dig it! Oh, yeah.. The Slim-jim foundation. Ate alot of them - still paying the bills, yeah!
Tony: And again, I don't know what in blazes you just said..
Macho: Those in the know, know. You know! Yeah!
Tony: This is truly going to be the most confusing night in the history of sports entertainment. Let's play the game. Randy, you won the coin toss backstage, so you go first..
Macho: Oooh yeah! Gotta go for the center and the champ -Triple H - yeah. Dig it!
Tony: OK, Hunter. How are you tonight?
Triple:: First of all Schiavone, you're only here as a favor for the Nature Boy, so it's Mr. Helmsley to you, or you can just call me champ, you washed up idiot..
Tony: Yes sir! And thanks again, Ric.
Flair: No problem, Antonio! Whoooo!
Tony: Well, champ. The question for you is, who was the first man to be recognized as the WWE Champion. Was it Buddy Rogers, Bruno Sammartino, or Hulk Hogan.
Triple H: I know this very well, so listen up Savage. It was none of those guys. They all job to me, Triple H. I am the first world champion that matters..
Jericho: Hey, I was the first undisputed World champion.
Triple H: But you don't matter..
Jericho: It'll matter when I beat your ass and get my title back, you big nosed jackass!
Triple H: Anytime, Jericho.
Tony: Gentlemen, please. This is not the time nor the place. So, your answer, champ is...
Triple H: Weren't you listening, you idiot. Me! Triple H. The game.
Tony: That wasn't one of the answers we have listed.
Triple H: Well then, change your list. I am the Game. I am the best. I am the World champion.
Jericho: You are a jackass..
Tony: So, Triple H says the first WWE champion was, Triple H. What do you say, Mach?
Savage: Oooh - yeah! Know this I do - the first champion was Buddy Rogers, now dig it!
Tony: So you disagree with Triple H?
Savage: I know what I know..
Tony: The answer is Buddy Rogers, so O gets the square... hang on a second folks.. I'm getting a message from the back in my earpiece. By special order of Vince McMahon, the new first ever WWE Champion is now, Triple H. So, you disagreed - and X gets the square.
Savage: That bites..
Triple H: Told you so..
Tony: Anyhow, it's time to move on! Boogie man, pick a square..
Valiant: The boogie-man feels good baby - gonna go with Jim Ross - mercy..
Tony: OK - JR, here's your question. What TV show, hosted by me, kicked RAW, hosted by you, ass for 82 straight weeks.
JR: Listen Schiavone - I don't like you and never have. You come here trying to stir things up and I just don't like it..
Tony: Quit crying, Ross and answer the questions.
JR: I ought to come up there and kick your ass.
Tony: Go write a cookbook or something. That'll make for a big 'slobberknocker' and put butts in the seats..
JR: You're so funny Tony. That's why you've been sitting on your fat ass at home for the past two years! But the answer was Monday Nitro. Which was shut down by the WWE, I might add..
Schiavone: Look out - Kane's coming. He's gonna get you, Ross! Of course, it was WCW Monday Nitro, truly the greatest show in the history of sports entertainment. What do you say, Jimmy?
Valiant: Boogie done forgot the question, baby! So I say, Soul Train, mercy!!
Tony: We just told you the answer - just agree with us..
JR: This reminds me of a footballl game in Oklahoma..
Valiant: Boogie is confused - don't understand -so I say the Bandstand, baby..
Tony: Just say 'I agree'..
JR: There was this quarterback and this linebacker..
Valiant: Mercy. Too much pressure.. Boogie's head is spinning. Mercy!
(And so it continued for 25 long and agonizing minutes as the Boogie man continued to do and say everything, but agree or disagree with the answer that Good old JR had given him.. Finally....)
Schiavone: Do you remember Spiros Airon?
Valiant: Mercy - a man with a plan - big star in the Boogie man's days, baby..
Schiavone: What was his nickname - I can't remember?
Valiant: He was the Golden Greek baby! A high flyer?
Schiavone: So, he was jewish?
Valiant: No, baby! A greek!
Tony: A greek - a gree-k. He agrees - so O get's the square.. Finally.. Let's take a look at the bored on the board..
Tony: Wait a second - I'm getting a message on my earphones from Vince McMahon. He says that Nitro never beat RAW in the ratings and it was all part of an elaborate plan of his for domination of the wrestling world. But I remember - we won. I was part of the board meetings. OK - I just got word from Mr. McMahon that this is his show and we play it like he says or I'm fired. So, Ross was wrong, Valiant agreed, so the X gets changed to an O..
Ross: Ha! How do you like that, Schiavone?
Tony: Bite me!
Tony: This is truly the most exciting night in the history of sports entertainment and Hollyweird. We're about out of time, so let's waste some more and find out what's going on with our WWE Superstars..
Teddy Long: This is a conspiracy by the man who keep me down. Look at this panel. Where is Rodney Mack? Where is Mark Henry. Why are you hosting, cracker boy, instead of Coach? Holla at me playaz!
Tony: Put a lid on it and take it up with Vince. Anyone else have anything to say before we ask the final question and end this exciting event?
Kurt: I just want to tell Vince and Brock and everyone else, that I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist. I practice the three I's of intensity, integrity, and intelligence. And I'm going to keep this WWE Championship for as long as I want to, because it's my life. It's true - it's true.
Tony: Anyone else?
Sable: When do I get to do my dance and grind for all my fans - show everyone how Sablicious I truly am.
Tony: There's a plumbers convention next door. I'm sure they'll be glad to see you - they like skanky whores.
Jericho: What? You mean Stephanie is already there?
Stephanie: You watch it Jercicho. After I get done kicking Sable's ass - you might be next.
Jericho: Bring it on sister! I'm the larger than life living legend, a true icon, a role model, the king of bling bling, and the ayatollah of rock and rolla - not to mention king of the world.
Austin: No - you're just a stupid son of a bitch.
Austin: A flaming retard.
Austin: A prissy little bastard..
Jericho: Well, I oughta...
Austin: You ought to shut your mouth before I put down my beer and come down there to kick your ass..
Jericho: Screw you, Austin..
Austin: No - go screw Rico or Christian - I don't go that way!
Stephanie: I can give you Billy and Jamie's phone numbers..
Sable: All this talk about screwing - Chris - come to my dressing room after the show...
Jericho: Sorry sister, I don't go that way - not straight to the skank-house..
Tony: Ok - this is truly the greatest moment in the history of sports entertainment. We're nearly out of time - time for one more question to determine the winner. I believe that Randy Savage, it's your turn, so pick a WWE superstar..
Savage: Ooohhhh yeah! Snapped into a slimjim - gotta go with the Nature Boy - no how about Teddy - I just don't know - back to the Nature Boy - yeah!
Tony: OK - Ric - it's good to see you today. And thanks for the help with the job. OK - here's the question for you. Complete this phrase - to be the man, you've got to beat the ...what!
Ric: Whoooo! Tony, it's time to style and profile.. Space mountian is up and running - the oldest ride in the park, but still the best. Whoo.. I've said it many many times, Savage, and even you know this. Diamonds are forever and so is the Nature Boy! Whoooooooo!
To be the man - you've got to beat the man! Whoooooo!
Tony: OK Randy - this is for the win. You've heard what Ric said. Do you agree or disagree?
Savage: Ric Flair is a lying sneaky snake - yeah! Can't trust anything he says. Don't know and don't care. Remember how he stole Liz - had her turn on the Macho Man! But it sounds familiar. Ooooh yeah - it's to be the man - you kiss Hogan's ass. So Flair lies and I disagree. Oooohhh! Yeah!
Tony: You jackass! Flair is the greatest world champion of all time.. He knows what he's talking about. So the X gets the square. Wait a second folks.. I'm getting a message from Vince. Triple H is the greatest world champion of all time - and Flair is just pretty good. OK - screw this. The winner is Valiant. This sucks. I'm going back to Charlotte to call some baseball games. Screw you, VInce McMahon and screw the WWE!
(Schiavone slams down his headset and storms off the set. Everyone is in shocked silence.. Suddenly:)
Valiant: Boogie man won, baby. Have mercy. Hit my music cause the Boogie man is gonna dance. Rock and roll - have mercy!
(Valiant starts to dance as the music "Boy From New York City" comes over the loudspeakers. Savage bites into a Slim Jim he has pulled from his tights - Mean Gene starts to speak!)
Mean Gene: And the winner of the new WWE Hollyweird Squares is Jimmy Valiant. Look for a behind the scenes look at Valiant this week on Confidential. Kids, get your parents permission before watching. For his efforts, Valiant wins a luxary vacation for two to Billings, Montana and a complete set of dance lessons by Alex Wright and the Disco Inferno. Come back next week, if we can find a new host when our stars will be: Vince Russo, Bastion Booger, Bob Backlund, Jazz, Molly Holly, Head & Mr. Socko, Damien Demento, Abdullah the Butcher, and in the center square - Mick Foley. I'm Mean Gene Okerlund - good night everybody - and remember, if your TV is showing stuff this crappy, it's got to be the WWE.. Good night..
Winner by 2 X's to 1 - O - Jimmy "the Boogie Woogie Man" Valiant